Monday, May 08, 2006

Bobby "The Brain" Plays Good Golf

I made a childish laugh while auditing bras (on invoices you perverts) this morning at work, when I viewed the color names for them. Is cantaloupe a kick ass color name for a boob holder or what. I could hear the conversation at Victoria Secret’s: “Hey Missy could you get a couple of watermelons on the second rack for Ms. Trump here, she had a little work done over the weekend and her current cantaloupes no longer fit”.

Don’t worry, winning the Bad Beat Jackpot hasn’t changed me.

Pod person wife still has the newborn safely tucked away as she’s going into the doctor tomorrow to discuss her options about possible inducement since the due date is fast approaching. She has been surprisingly pleasant to be around which scares me because when she was pregnant with Wyatt she was um… not surprisingly pleasant? Second time is a charm? Let’s go for three?


I’ll be having corrective surgery that is not Lasik after the second spawn graces us with her presence. Its gotta be a girl for prolonging her arrival into this world. “Mom, I’ll be right out after I freshen up for the next two weeks”. God help us if it’s a girly-girl because in the ten years I’ve known my wife I’ve seen her with makeup on all of five times (two of those were at weddings).

Speaking of makeup… why would you wear it on a golf course? Me, my brother-in-law Burnsie, father-in-law, and my wife’s uncle got together as we do at least once a year to play golf for beer, pride and some prop bets. My wife’s uncle busted out a signed picture of one Bobby “the brain” Heenan in the attempt to put us on shank tilt since me and Burnsie have won this little contest for the past three years. Unfortunately, Bobby inspired us to launch Daly-esqe type drives but we only managed to tie the old guys despite my scathing round of 99 (yes, I managed to score “The Drizz”).

But while hitting our approach shots on hole number 8 (a par 4 with delicate iron tee shot to a narrow fairway and the approach onto an island green with bunkers protecting the front edge), the beer cart chicks approached us with promises of overpriced ice cold macro-brews. The MILF had a nice white shirt concealing some ripe grapefruits (sorry couldn’t help it), but I noticed she was wearing a little too much makeup for a outdoors job, so I went back to stealing glances at her ta-tas.

Until she posed a question for my ID.


Granted I managed to rape a razor across my face earlier in the morning, but I don’t look under 21 in the least. I gave her the “you’re kidding me right” look (much like poker players give that guy who just won a massive pot with 93o catching two pair on the river), but her Revlon powder blue eye shadow spoke of authority and I handed over my state ID that proclaimed me to be 31 years of age. A curt nod, two Mich Golden Lights, and ten dollars later and we were off again to feed the ball hungry ponds with Nike balls that proclaimed “SUPER ACCURACY AND EXTREME DISTANCE”, never mind that you actually have to strike the ball in a non-retarded manner to attain this. I enjoy golf, but I’ll never claim to be good at it.

Just like I enjoy poker.

“Winning by Losing” is the title of my next-never-to-be-published poker help book. It felt sooooooooooo gooooooooooood like first beer after an all-day softball tourney good to win that Bad Beat Jackpot. I even cried a little, which in turn made Little Drizz cry but some Teddy Grahams and a pillow fight got him back into a better mood.

The money is safely tucked into the Euro account for at least 30 days while I attempt to clear this mountain of a bonus (600 Euros for 3001 “VIP points”). Unfortunately at the stakes I play for its tough to get raked hands since the 1/2 limit hold em' tables play like higher stakes, a raise takes down the pot most times, lots of blind steals and re-raises with air. ABC poker doesn’t apply here as the only way you’ll be profitable is to steal some blinds and re-steal with blind defense, as these crazy Europeans are not shy about raising and betting with air even at these micro limits. The NLHE games are a mixed bag of habitual bluffers and some very good players (mostly fellow bonus whores). I’m clearing about 100 VIP points an hour while 2-3 tabling, and currently stand at 1250 VIP points with three weeks to go.

Right now Operation Play Break-Even Poker is working, I’ve even managed to win a little bit at the tables despite 6-max NLHE and LHE not being my most comfortable games. To be honest, it’s made me actually play poker rather then sit back and wait for cards. Raise in position with any two? Check. Continuation bets with air? Check. Curse at computer when AA gets snapped off? Not so much anymore.

Writing whiny posts like I did on Friday adds more layers towards becoming less and less tiltable. I realize those type of posts are as common as reading about Tara Reid getting drunk and passing out at a hipster Hollywood dance club with her legs spread eagle on some neon lit table, but they serve a purpose. Whine posts are a reminder that Poker is a skill game up to the point when the chips are all in the pot, then the cards decide if you’re holding the combination to the bank vault. This does not include those pots you steal with skill/manic betting; this only applies to showing down your hand vs. your opponent. The skill part is where the profitable players make their money; as everyone knows the cards will break-even over time.

And I’m finally learning that lesson.

Thanks for dropping by, now who’s been watching the poker marathon on ESPN?

*meekly raises hand*

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