Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Carrot > Wheaton Trolls

Granted its a shitty way to boot people, but aren't sororities private clubs that have hand-picked their members for over a century? Its like giving trophies to the losing team of a baseball tourney, the kids don't learn the rewards/consequence of competition and are softened to the point where just participating is enough, the sorority exclusions is just another example of this type of upbringing.

I participated in the final table on the Wheaton Bucks 2nd chance tourney, and was the bubble boy after three hours, where's my participation ribbon?

Tough luck Drizz, come back another time (and I will). And how Wil puts up with those mouth-breathing, burger flipping, MySpace tween trolls is beyond my scope of patience. I was at his table for most of the night, kudos to you for keeping your cool like that. That has to go way beyond the job description to put up with eleventee billion (Wil's phrase) questions about why he's not crushing the $50/$100 NLHE game. Higher stakes != better player, but the trolls only see the blingz of the $1,000 check-raises versus a $5 MTT and they'll never learn it as you'll still get challenged to a HUs match with the 5th grade wordsmith.

Speaking of 5th Graders... that UCLA grad majoring in History and spacing out on every question to him during the new quiz show on Fox?!?!? Sad world we live in. It will be even sadder if the curry-flavored Michael Jackson is allowed to come back next week on Idol. I curse the houses who vote for him.

Vegas was up the whole night so I'll going to drift off into zombie, cubical land as there's endless work to be done (actually I enjoy that).

Thanks for dropping by, now I'm not the Starbucks-type who infuses their work morning with a $7 halfa-frappa-mocha-double-expresso-64 oz. coffee, how do you get moving without caffeine when working on zero sleep?

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Self Pleasures Over Chicken Pot Pie

I am a simple man and generally happy. But, there are things during the week that are not to be fucked with and cause me great anger if tampered with.

Seeing my kids’ smiles while coming through the front door after work, a Ward Clever moment for sure, but nothing relives tiredness faster then an eight month old’s hockey smirk while holding onto the safety gate at the front steps.

My perfectly made Captain and Coke on Thursday nights while reclining in the porch with future donators preparing to funnel virtual dollars into my quasi-legal online poker accounts.

Saturday morning breakfast, consisting of at least two to four meats, eggs, potatoes, and cheese to be fried up together over a little bit of olive oil while watching Thomas the Tank Engine and Sagwa with the kids.

Porn time later at night with a selection of peppermint lotions and fisting lesbians (hat tip to Mr. Bracelet on that find) while three tabling the $100 PLO8 tables. Don’t worry I sit out while cleaning up.

But there’s something yesterday that tilted my little space on Earth, as I do not consider myself an anti-social person despite the appearance as such with my hearing disability. While at work I take my lunch hour a little sooner then most to sit alone and enjoy a chocolate chip cookie, the Star Trib, and whatever leftovers my wife shuttles along (today is a decent score from my sister-in-law’s birthday dinner at Famous Dave’s, including a not-so-horrible beef brisket, corn bread muffin, and skin-on mashed taters). I sit alone because its my alone time during the day, much like if I get the privilege of throwing countless play chips at people who raise with Q554 and stack off on a straight draw (got notes, will get his mobneys next time), later at night after Wyatt has been read his alphabet book of the evening and Vegas gets her late night snack of Gerber’s sweet potato puffs.

Alone time is a precious commodity to me, not unlike gold, t-bills, or a Playboy Playmate’s rack. The time I spend alone when you’re surrounded by others for nearly the whole day gives me the space needed to refuel myself, which sounds selfish but losing your self-awareness would hurt the relationships in my life if I became a colorless 9 to 5er with the same set schedule and routine each day.

As I sat down yesterday to my plate of reheated chicken pot pie from Costco (highly recommended even renuked) there was a little bird who flew in five minutes after I sat down at the opposite end of adjacent four seat tables. I nodded politely and went back to reading about the Wild kicking Edmonton’s ass via the Rolston/Gaborik/Demitra tri-headed scoring monster. Then like crows on an electrical wire more little (and large) birdies starting filling up the seats until the table was full.

My feathers were officially ruffled. I know it’s an inane problem, solvable by moving to another seat, but couldn’t they have moved to one of the other 100+ tables in the lunchroom that were not occupied at the time and not popped my personal space bubble?

Perhaps. But, they were following their routine as well, as they sit at the same table every day in the same seats. Who was more at fault for changing someone else’s routine? The ladies who failed to see the curmudgeon luncheon consumer, or the guy who just wanted to learn a little bit about Mathew Lecroy’s potential return to the Twins in peace.

Today I may try something different and sit in the middle of the table to see if they flock around me or fly away to other spaces easily reached. But, then I wouldn’t get my alone time.

Thanks for dropping by, now if you wanted to know how Miami Don became Vegas Don, please hit up a very well-written self-exploring piece at his site. Bravo sir, and hopefully will see you in about a month.

Monday, February 26, 2007

I Gamble Therefore I Am

Work, ass, kicking.

Getting much done, but still falling further behind. I think I finally have the job I want :)

Poker theme for the weekend:

Cash games, good.

Tourneys, bad.

Sorry to disappoint Don, short stacks don't make for interesting PLO play since you have to hit your draw (or they have to miss), and can't play many speculative hands before you're committing your whole stack. Excuses excuses I know, maybe next time I'll fare a little better.

On a happy note I cashed in a Stud H/L dollah tourney which kept me from getting back to my new Zelda obsession. I knew that Wii would curb my poker addiction, only to fall into another one :) At least this vice will only cost me a few hours of time versus the hair pulling agony of watching some mouth breather take your stack of hardly earned dollars/rupees/pounds/euros because "he had a feeling".

Actually I still like poker.

So much in fact, I will be playing a lot of it live (relatively) in the next coming month:

March 8th: Comped room and St. Louis Ribs dinner at Grand Casino Hinckley (thanks to dropping a little too much on the slots in my previous visit). This time I'm parking my ass in the three seat and will not be temped by those Monopoly "Big Event" slots.

March 24th: Black Bear Casino/Bowling tourney, cheap drinks and bad bowling at the alley, then poker at their smallish room tucked behind the blackjack pit where no slots are within easy reach. Have never won here, but I've got a feeling this time that my gutshot straights and backdoor flush draws will be coming in. Or I'll get drunk and blow my bankroll on the penny slots.

April 1st: Vegas. No April Fools joke here, wife wanted to go, we had a chat about the previous visit (both of our attitudes and my alcohol tolerance sucked) and we're staying at MGM Grand for the week plus seeing the Crazy Horse (formerly La Femme) show. I heart boobs. I don't have a cell phone (will have a number to call) but I'd like to meet up with some fine Vegas bloggers if you're available for donkey poker and a bite to eat on one of the days.

Thanks for dropping by, now can you believe that it snowed in Minnesota yesterday??

Shocking.

And my groin pulled attest to the dangers of pulling a toddler in a sled up a hill several times without performing some proper stretching, like this young lady.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

That's Great Hon

Nothing says love like having sex and five minutes later cleaning up grape kool-aid, bacon, and scrambled eggs puke off the carpeting and your kid's stuffed animals in the living room.

Tonight PLO @ Full Tilt 9 p.m. EST.

Token tourney for WPBT Event #2.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

I Did Not Win The Mookie

Shaving your head seemed like a good idea at the time (can't she just go back to catholic school girl outfits and bald beaver shots?)...

... much like trying to resteal with Q4o late in a tourney and having your opponent turn up KK. Thought it was a good idea at the time, but it backfired much like if Michael Richards was trying to tell a racist joke at the Apollo.

I R s.m.r.t.

At least I was able to snag the Mookie tourneys buy-in plus a shrimp dinner at Red Lobster for two including a Lobsterita via cash games prior to releasing my inner donkey near the final table. The second chance tourney ended with me as the final table bubble boy when my starting 3 4 5 made an 8, only to be beat by a better 8. I may or may not hit up CC's tourney tonight

A note to those who think they are degenerate gamblers: This woman puts you to shame.

The case of a 10-year-old boy left unattended and without money at the Mall of America in Bloomington on Friday while his mother went gambling at Mystic Lake Casino in Prior Lake is a rarity, police said.

Unescorted teens at the mall, however, are not.

Mall security officers found the boy about 7:30 p.m. Friday. His mother had left him there before noon with an unlimited-ride wristband for the theme park -- but no money, said police Cmdr. Jim Ryan. When security workers couldn't reach his mother, they called police, who had her paged at the casino after 9 p.m., Ryan said.

The 43-year-old woman, who had been staying at a Bloomington women's shelter, told police she couldn't get back to the mall until the midnight shuttle bus left the casino.

Well played ma'am.

Thanks for dropping by, now if you wish to fuel your gambling ways, drop by PokerPeaker's site to bet on the delivery date of his soon-to-be twin terrors.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

I'll Take Whatawinner In the 8th For $20 WPS

Being very green to the political arena... do Reps really push this sort of narrow-minded crap thru the legislative halls? Tubing and beer go hand-in-hand, luckily the best tubing in the area is on the Apple River in Wisconsin away from nanny attempts such as the ones included in that posting.

Sound familiar?

Ok, no more woe is online poker posting, I'll leave those stories at my other blog. Speaking of which, I did manage a short Omaha think-tank type post last night if you're into the four card game. You can check it out here.

Like many others, work is kicking my ass so I'm cutting this short and without any pretty metaphors to describe my new found addiction. American Idol. I have much hate for those who turned me and the wife towards watching that damn show. Feel free to give yourselves a wedgie or something. (I think the barefoot dude and Indian kid are going to get the boot)

Thanks for dropping by, now Gary Carson provides an excellent arguement about how a carve-out for online poker doesn't help anything because the payment processor issues would still persist. My counter-arguement is... what wouldn't the same processors currently used by LEGAL online wagering sites such as YouBet.com be used by the poker sites (which are correctly noted as still legal despite the UIGEA). Which he responded to, excellent thought process.

Speaking about horsey wagering... one of my favorite jockeys at Canterbury has been barred from Tampa Bay Downs for unspecified reasons and is finally getting back to work recently at Hawthorne and will hopefully be returning to Canterbury this summer. BG, did you hear about this?

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Insert Title Here

Nothing reminds you quicker about being a parent then waking up in the middle of the night and clutching onto your source of wake up juice the following morning while staring at 50 OMFGURGENT emails and wondering to yourself...


... did you have to let it linger?
Yes, I'm begging my two remaining brain cells not to leave on account of questionable 90s music.

If you could be Tom Brady right now, what would your advice be? Go for some make up sex, she can't possibly get pregnant again! Then again, nailing stacked lady to my left would be enough for most football players not named Rex Grossman.
Is getting quad eights twice in the same night while only holding one eight in your hand a sign that the cards love you? But, then split the pot because someone stayed in with a low draw for his whole stack.
"I thought you had a pair!"
Yes. Yes I did, two pair if you'd like to be more precise. Now please resume your calling station ways, Vegas needs some new oneies and an Easter dress. She's going to pass up Wyatt at the rate she's growing (might slide a cute kid pic into this space by the weekend). But I think she needs to learn the subtle pleasures of sleeping thru the night. The left hook of a crying baby left me staggering like I just left the bar with Al and BigMike, and the uppercut came one hour later when Wyatt decided sleeping in his bed wasn't going to cut it.
Thanks for dropping by, now I promise a little original content over at my paid poker blog tonight since I have an Omaha post I'd like to get out of my head.
On a side note... PayPal sent a massive cut and paste email yesterday with only these two lines from hopefully a human because the email issue has been cleared up.

I understand that you had difficulty with your email address. I realize that this situation can be frustrating. My name is Arwin and appreciate the opportunity to help you resolve this issue.
Well Arwin, thank you for freeing up my money so I can purchase a couple of strip poker CDs from thepokerchick.com. My kleenex box thanks you.

Monday, February 19, 2007

Marshmallow Horseshoes and Nine Essential Minerals and Vitamins

I’m too lazy this morning to check on Brd’s and Iak’s progress in the FTOPS main event from last night. After watching Brd’s luckbox get set to 11, I figured a high finish was in order.

Is it ok to crack a smile on a Monday morning?

The poker tables were kind to me this weekend as I managed to squeeze a slightly larger then usual win from some very tight PLO8 tables at Full Tilt (Average pot $9?!?!), and avoid the huge variance swings at the rocking 6-max tables at Stars. Suddenly the scraps I have left from the recent cash out are starting to turn into a workable bankroll again, and I won’t have to suffer (bad slide notwithstanding) the salt mines of the $25 and $50 games. Normally I advocate playing those soft lower limit games, but they have turned granite hard recently and finding the juicy games have been few and far between. Absolute has shown some promise, but as soon as I see a juicy game the regulars swoop in like groupies on Tommy Lee’s oversized purple mushroom and suck off the fish before I get the chance to win a little for myself.

Hopefully this uptick of luck and bad players last long enough to get me a plane ticket and hotel room for a trip I’m planning in the fall, especially since I’m told wheelchairs will be made readily available.

Lee Jones. Make it happen sir. And thank you for the ease of cashing out this past week.

Does anyone watch NASCAR besides Chris “I Forgot How To Blog” Halverson? Did Tony Stewart get Busched, or the other way around? And it was anti-climatic for Viagra pitch man Mark Martin as NASCAR’s answer to Phil Michelson finished inches from satisfying his sponsors. When you stop booing the bad puns, read on.

Has anyone done some volunteer work lately? I haven’t and dropping by a local nursing home this past weekend to spend time with the old folks might be a reason why I’m wide awake this morning and not hating the data-entry laden day I have ahead of me. Ethel lived on a farm growing up, currently stood at 93 years old, and proclaimed me to be younger then her grandsons. I believed her since she managed to provide a visual demonstration on how to milk a cow.

We moved around the room where the ben-gay type smell was canceled by the industrial strength sanitizer used on the floor, to help the folks put together collages of their favorite things and chat a little bit.

Made my weekend.

Of course we weren’t discussing the UIEGA’s backlash or the most current suicide bombing in the middle east. No, Roberto wanted to talk about his days of walleye fishing on Mille Lacs and drawing nude females in chalk while growing up as a starving artist in St. Paul. Luckily my conversational skills outweighed my inability to apply the stick paste to back of the various outdoor scenes. Playboy and Penthouse cut outs were not made available in the rec room but the cranberry juice was top-notch!

I’d elaborate more but sadly the Cap’n Cokes I downed while bowling on the Wii last night has killed a few too many brain cells.

Thanks for dropping by, now has anyone had to deal with Paypal’s un-customer friendly service?

Email: Three attempts, three robot messages, none pertaining to my issue (getting a “no longer able to use this email address” message when I can make purchases just fine.

Phone call: One attempt, twenty plus minutes of listening to the same gas bag message of “this call is sooooooooooo important to us that once you actually wait long enough we’ll hang up on you!” 24 minutes and one broken receiver after being disconnected without talking to someone.

I think I’m ready to give this company a five knuckle unlubbed enema… if I could get a hold of anyone.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Finger Blasting Excitement!

I'm no longer a virgin.

206 on Wii bowling gave me a semi.

Wyatt is down to one round trip ticket per evening (thanks for the suggestions!).

I've posted about my small stakes challenge on my other poker blog.

And I'm gonna relax at an ice fishing party this evening with a few Cap'n Cokes, then have a few more tonight while pokering with you fine folks.

Have a good weekend, and win lots o' mobneys!

Thursday, February 15, 2007

A Word From PokerSourceOnline

If you play online poker, you probably know about affiliates. These are the guys who get paid to bring players to the different online poker rooms. And you may already know about Poker Source Online, the home of the original poker promotion. The folks at PSO were the first ones to pay players back for signing up through them by rewarding them with free gifts. PSO is also the biggest and best when it comes to free money promotions, and is a well-respected rakeback site, as well.

But that’s all obvious. What people forget sometimes is that Poker Source Online is a true poker community. The PSO poker forum is about to hit 50,000, making it one of the largest poker message boards on the internet. Here, you can reach the PSO staff if you need help with your promotion, ask others their thoughts on the different promotions before you signup, talk poker strategy, or just discuss what’s on your mind. In true community fashion, even if a PSO staff member is not immediately available, oftentimes a fellow PSO’er will be there to lend a helping hand. Many regulars have been with PSO from its infancy, and have contributed hundreds and thousands of posts. Brand new customers find out every day how friendly a place PSO can be and often become full-fledged diehards in a short period of time. In fact, a few loyal PSO’ers rose from the ranks and eventually joined the PSO team!

Everyone in the PSO community is eligible for the site’s freeroll tournaments, usually held at least once per month. They cost nothing to enter (hence the word “freeroll”), but PSO puts up thousands of dollars in prize money, just to give back to its customers. A few special freerolls have seen winners walk away with free cruises…one player even won a $10,000 seat at the U.S. Poker Championships!

One thing that has recently become very popular is the PSO poker league. It’s not quite free, but it’s cheap, and the prizes are huge. The buy-in is typically around $5 per tournament, and the payout structures are standard, but PSO has always added a boatload of money and prizes for the top finishers in both the individual events and in the final standings. On top of the regular prizes, there are often bounties announced on some players’ heads, making the competition even more fun, and more intense. Of course, what’s a little spirited competition without the ability to trash talk? PSO has an IRC chat room just for that, too.

So when you head on over to Poker Source Online to get your free goodies just for playing online poker, don’t forget that there is a whole poker community there for you, too. Take a spin around the site. You’ll like what you’ll see.

Calculus Was Easier

At least the Kung Pao Chicken, lettuce wraps, and the drafts of Sapporo were decent at PF Chang's.

On the bright side, NFL fans won't have to decipher marble-mouthed Shannon Sharpe next year during the pre-game shows according to the Star Trib. I'm surprised my favorite NFL pundits haven't jumped on this headline yet.

And anyone want to join me for a Wolves game and Roshambo tourney? Deadline February 23. Think I could get laid if I win that?

Probably not, since I don't have one hundredth of the game of this guy. AJ is indeed gold.

Thanks for dropping by, now I hope your Valentine's Day went off a little better then mine :)

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Getting Laid on Valentine's Day

My header "Getting Heads" a few days ago tripled the traffic here for the day, and I briefly thought it was my second grade grasp of the English language but it was a sophomoric title instead that brought a bunch of horny guys to the site. Let's see what this title does as I'm 99.9% sure I will be watching the World Poker Tour alone while giving away the last scraps of my hardly earned online poker funds and sipping on a Cap'n Coke because half-days at work rule!

The percentage of a possible earth-shattering fifteen seconds in bed with the spouse of my choice has a sliding scale of events that could land me into a sex-induced coma of sleep this evening:

(Percentage to probablity of having sex)

I buy her a dozen roses - -22.22% (she can't stand getting flowers)

She reads this post - 0.2 %

Her meeting after work goes well - 3.7%

I remember to go to the mini-mart with in the building a purchase a tepidly thoughtout, overpriced Hallmark card - 5.9%

She doesn't complain about her psycho co-worker and manages a decent day at work - 13%

G-Vegas bloggers lend me the name of the secret drink to get her hammered at P.F. Chang's (dinner date with no kids and lettuce wraps!) - 26%

I get her to drink one of those pre-mixed "add the alcohol" things from Target after getting home - 69%

(yes alcohol is the key here folks, but without it she'll remember its a "school night" and having sex during the week is verboten, don't ask me I have no idea why I just provide the penis and sarcasm in the household) Then again there's always porn, peppermint lotion, and a box of kleenex eagerly awaiting my arrival that requires no wooing.

Now that I've scarred your minds until lunchtime, how about them Cubbies? I guess watching the Yankees implode in the post season under the Federal Reserve's vault of $10,000 bricks poured over every rent-a-star means they just didn't spend enough! I wonder how much they paid Bartman to "relocate".

To the asshats who bother Wil while he's playing on PokerStars... please find something more constructive to do with your time, perhaps knit a nice tail warmer for your cat because that's all the pussy you'll be petting after showing off those eThugz skillz. HOLLA! I used to think being a gaming message board troll was low, but watching what Wil puts up with in the chat boxes as he ponders a check-raise on a ragged board just reeks of momma boys polishing off that second case of Mountain Dew while playing their level 60 Cleric on World of Warcraft in their parent's basement and masturbating to anime porn.

Let Wil give me his Wheaton Bucks in peace :)

Thanks for dropping by, now make sure you at least mention Valentine's Day tonight to your love ones. Fake holiday or not.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Is It Bedtime?

This might make the next trip to Tijuana a little more interesting... but how are the users supposed to get the drugs legally?

San Diego Super Chargers. Shotgun. Foot. I hear Denny Green is looking for a job.

Gambling 911 debunks the Brunson arrest rumor, at serious enough that it was cardiac arrest not the G-men taking him away for offering a 125% reload bonus at Doyle's Room.

Enough with the news, now I have a question for the mommies and daddies out there.

Last night, after tucking in the boy three times, I slipped on my poker face complete with Oakleys, Full Tilt hoodie, assorted donkey-ism chat macros such as "SHIP IT HOLLA!" AND "U FUKIN DONK!", and a nice glass of milk with mini Chip Ahoys. After firing up three tasty tables of PLO8 and getting ready to win a few happy meals... he comes back up crying. Patience is now head-of-a-pin thin and rapidly heading towards angry. He wants a new band-aid for a cut that healed two weeks ago, explaining there is no cut nets me a Linda Blair repetition in the bathroom and a nice accidental backward head butt to the chin.

Fun time and this isn't an isolated incident.

Of course if my voice didn't asend from being selfish about wanting to play poker in peace, he never would have gone into spaz mode. Is there someway a person can go from being focused on poker to applying the TLC needed to gentlely get their kid back in bed? I'd like to teach him that is it not o.k. to keep coming upstairs because the first thing he does is walk into the porch while I'm check-raising some douchebag on the laptop and telling me to make the nurse avatar smile. If he was coming up for a drink, bathroom, or a bite to eat, then the mood would be little more relaxed.

The question... if your child is becoming the next college debate team captain with a counter-point to anything you say or tantrum if punishment threats are given, how do you get him/her to understand its time for bed and daddy wishes to re-raise the frog avatar with 21 outs twice?

Thanks for dropping by, now BG has put up some great posts concerning "Christian values voting" and what might be another reason why things like online gambling have been viewed at in such a bad light. I wish I was intellegent enough to offer my own opinion, other then saying I feel in a Democracy that the people should be choosing right and wrong, not have to follow the narrow-minded values of the few with deep pockets (but that's not going to change despite all the debates and empty promises coming to a TV/Radio/Internet site near you until Decision 2008). I don't expect everyone to share my views nor religion (or non-practicing religion). My viewpoints and values are mine and mine only; not to be pressed on an unwilling party.

Monday, February 12, 2007

Wii, Wii, Wii, All the Way Home

The color of my black and blue Sketchers may have matched the pigmentation of the toes they were failing to protect. A warm ski jacket kept the eight one hundred dollar bills (HOLLA!) warm inside my inner pockets. Looking out towards the cars, I envied the families zooming by on Coon Rapids Blvd. watching people in their nicely warmed up cars probably heading to church or across the street to a Grand Slam breakfast at Denny’s. Or perhaps hitting up Northtown for a walk around the mall before the various knick-knack stores opened up.

Shifting back and forth, floating like an overweight butterfly, and stinging like a pillow as I tried to shake off the bitter cold while bouncing heavily on my feet and cursing these gloves for doing nothing more then making my chapped knuckles bleed from the several paper-cut like openings. At least the two guys, equally as deranged as myself, provided enough temporary friendship vibes to carry a conversation for three hours about Ely, the thoughts of moving somewhere that didn’t provide your nostrils with icicles for retrieving the morning paper, and… finally getting the Wii.

After four weekends of stuffing two unmotivated kids into their Gore-Tex lined jackets, I decided to re-hash the days of a one a.m. breakfast, bad jokes, and braving weather only someone in the Iditarod should while camping out to receive tickets for Metallica or Sesame Street Live! at the Dayton’s ticket box office. Yes, I stood in front of a closed Toys R’ Us with Geoffrey the Giraffe and several high school kids with their name tags laden with service awards mocking me from cozy confines inside with hopes of purchasing a Wii.

It is sad to say that it was worth it?

My wife normally skeptical of my geekery, found a smile and a few laughs as my virtual bowling ball found the gutter once again. I purchased the Rapala fishing game, Zelda (based on recommendations), and Wyatt decided he could not leave Target without the Monster Truck game. Reeling in a fish while squirming like one using a video game controller, is second only to holding your stance after hitting a virtual golf ball perfectly in the dork department.

I love being a dork.

As poker seems to be going more and more underground but you wouldn’t know it by seeing the numbers at the big Sunday tourneys, including the FTOPS making their third guarantee in a row (congrats on the cash Otis!) I needed something to bridge the gap and help dust the layer of cabin fever off my shoulders. Playing a game of bowling, or driving Grave Digger over some flattened Buicks with nothing more then the steering wheel, is better then re-watching Jimmy Neutron’s sleepover episode featuring killer pizzas and repeating “what do you want to do?” to each other.

Despite people receiving a golden Wii ticket showing up two and a half hours after I began my stupidity of becoming a life sized blueberry popsicle, it felt good to receive a want, instead of yet another need.

Splurge a little if you will, and not just getting a sought-after video game, but to see a few smiles, and hear a few laughs at home where none existed recently.

Thanks for dropping by, now if Wii can play Wii Sports over the intertubes (I have the Wi-fi set up) let Mii know how.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Freaky Break Up Sex


Today Daredevil Ted will attempt to figure out three things:
1) Do women's farts ever smell?
2) How do these freaks on American Idol get the level of cluelessness to make an ass of themselves on national TV?
3) Why would you push KQo in the battle of the blinds while having 20BBs in a tourney?
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A sorry exit (need to stop playing 6-max tables) by yours truly in the Hammer Day festivities at Full Tilt, but WOW what a turn out! 158 runners is to my recollection the largest online gathering I've seen from the bloggers ever.
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It kind of feels like that last blowjob you get from a soon-be-ex girlfriend, enjoyable in the moment but you know for all intents and purposes you are exiting stage right soon, like right after she tells you not to blow it in her face again. I'll still be playing of course but on a much more limited bankroll since the government's intent is to fix something that isn't broken and causing millions of poker players across the US to seek entertainment elseware until they decide to open MGMPoker.com or HarrahsPoker.com with all the regulatory trimings that will have a state-by-state debate well into my kids reaching elementary school age. People like us don't have the monies to change policy and can only write about what they think is right and fight through the wispy air of words on blogs. But, there is hope with the muscle of the casinos just mentioned that PokerStars and FullTilt are snagged by them as platforms and become fully regulated.
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A pipe dream for every Mikey McD fanboi online 12 table multi-tabler out there, but to others its the only shot they have to imbibe their favorite hobby nightly in a sea of avatars and unruly chat boxes with people begging for $5 (Otis, you are the man). For people who do not have a home game or one they can trust, online poker is their only chance to play a "clean" game where cheating is reduced to possible collusion and the tin-foil hat donners. My family games are more for plowing thru mom's chocolate chip bars and having my friends make fun of my Full Tilt jersey, not calculating pot odds and trying to figure out just what did he check-raise me with on turn while holding TPTK?
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I know its just a game, but to some of us its a needed break from monotone of daily life. A little excitement if you will, of calling when you think you're ahead and winning or consoling the receiver of a bad beat.
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Let's hope the recent government action takes a turn for the positive and seeks out versus shying away from the rest of the world's view of online gambling. It's a pipe dream for sure, but I'd like to be around for Hammer Day version 2.0 on 07/02/07.
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Thanks for dropping by, now do your brain a favor and relax in your favorite reclining chair while Otis walks you through one of the best short-stories I have ever read. Pure fuckin gold.
Edit: Shout out to my fan from Tunica who played in the tourney last night, never had that happen before :)

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Happy Hammer Day!


Bring your SoCo, sarcasm, and backhanded compliments to the virtual felt today for the Year of the Hammer poker tourney. Everyone is welcome to play, but be warned... donkey play is expected not the exception.

And if you take it too seriously, I have a driveway that needs to be shoveled barefoot (an example of what happens when you go barefoot outside in Minnesota during the winter).

- Knock me out with 99 tonight and I will transfer $9.99 to your UIEGA-approved poker account at Full Tilt.

- Knock me out with the hammer and I will transfer $7.27 and railbird as long as I can stay awake

- Knock me out with a suckout and I'll make fun of your mom's ability to gobble three cocks while making meatloaf and watching Lifetime's movie of the week.

See you tonight!!!

Edit: Completely forgot after reading Felicia's recent cruise report (still jealous), Happy Birthday (yesterday) to Glenn!!

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Rockin Mediocrity With Flair

Absolute Poker continues to irritate me as a “customer service rep” decided to tell me my eyewear prescription is out-of-date and the balance of my account should be the amount given by PokerSourceOnline several days ago. I informed the helpful desk jockey that indeed the balance of my account sits at a modest $1.40 at the present time, and that this was not the first time they have misaligned my funds as I’m not motivated enough to start a low-limit, self-abusing challenge on the penny tables to grind enough Lincoln coins for an extra packet of honey mustard sauce at McDonald’s.

But, with some nifty “confirmation” numbers I was shown that indeed the funds were used… just not placed into my account and we’re back to square minus one. Last time this was cleared up in four days, its day six at the moment and Richard Hatch is still trying to talk Rob and Amber into an alliance with no avail. We’ll see this evening if my well-crafted email describing the weight of a small blog is enough to win the reward challenge and maybe I’ll receive a slice of pizza (pepperoni and bacon please), a toothbrush, a fishing net, and some peppermint lotion (cold weather dries the skin yo).

As for building my own little tower of chips without the assistance of someone who learned the wonders of clicking their right mouse button, I managed to earn an entire U.S. dollar yesterday thanks to a Hold Em’ table of sunglasses wearing WPT fanbois taking my PLO8 profits. I wasn’t about to call down with 4th pair or make a world-class bluff against kids who bet $24 into a $3 pot with only $60 behind. I managed to get check-raised seven times in a course of an hour but six of the times it went to showdown with other players and I patted myself on the back for releasing to a superior hand, still didn’t help the losing though.

Win the max, lose the min, and try the veal, right?

Reading Bill’s excellent adventure with the new payment processors and Neteller is quite alarming and should be a wake up call for those who think life on the virtual felt will continue to be as smooth as a Grammy award winning Bobby McFarrin song. At least I should be able to snag that iPod before the peas and chicken noodle soup filled diaper hits the fan. But, I’m not blind to the fact that the funds sitting within Stars and Full Tilt at the present time are not going to easily make it to Best Buy to purchase the Wii (or any games) any time soon. Doesn’t it seem as though we’re playing with play chips despite the $ sitting behind the numbers in our stacks?

Once the liquidity left my virtual accounts, I have lost all regards of those funds as being “money”. I wonder how many other players feel the same way.

Thanks for dropping by, now don’t worry, be happy (just don’t expect to see your Neteller funds anytime soon).

Monday, February 05, 2007

Super Dud

One of four on my picks, I blame Scared-a-tari for kicking away from Hester, dashing my dreams of hitting a 25-1 shot which looked pretty good on the opening kickoff.

Congrats to the Baltimore… er Indianapolis Colts on your fine victory! Obviously Sexy Rexy didn’t slay enough virgins during the game to expedite the fungo balls he lofted for the Colts’ secondary to pick off. You’d think he was playing a game of 500 with a football in a sandlot with the kids from his second grade class during recess instead of playing in the Super Bowl.

Sexy Rexy’s play wasn’t the shocker, it was Manning actually using the word “team” during a post-game interview with Mortensen from ESPN. I nearly fainted viewing the “Sunday Conversation” this morning while plowing through the nastiest fruity pebble’s flavor ever conceived. Next time when clearanced cereal is purchased at Target, I won’t be expecting the next Honeycombs or Sugar Corn Pops.

Show of hands… who thinks Manning deserved the MVP?

If you raised your hand, your new nickname is “Sheep”. You probably voted for Taylor Hicks, so go in the pen and wait to be sheered.

I know co-MVPs selections have happened once in Super Bowl history but why shouldn’t Addai and Rhodes been named the co-MVPs? Yes, the MVP award is about as objective as judging the Miss America pageant or the X-Games Snowboarding finals but the duo racked up some serious stats and not to mention kept Sexy Rexy off the field; shielding him from further embarrassment. And I’m sure Cadillac could have sported for another car because the advertisement time paid for the “free” vehicle ten times over.

Did the game seem about as blasé as Manning’s personality? I didn’t get excited, the commercials were mostly a bust (except for that roshambo Bud Light commercial), and I didn’t even consume enough alcohol for a light buzz. The game was more Corn Flakes versus Cookie Crisps, and needed flair like mom’s cheesy potatoes and chicken wings.

On a side note, I won playing poker this weekend, but Absolute is going on my shit list again for screwing up my payment again. Here’s an easy idea Absolute… if the payment hasn’t been credited to my account, don’t write a fuckin email telling me the funds are ready for play. As I was ready to start a little mini-roll challenge (on Keep Your Poker Face) to build $65 into something meaningful like $75, but Absolute struck out for the weekend as they never replied to my calm reply like I just received homestyle fries instead of curly fries at the Arby’s drive thru sort-of-way email when I saw a balance of $1.40 staring back at me trying to sign up for a $5 tourney. We’ll see if they remember the Arby sauce at least.

Please correct it sirs as I dream of becoming a hundred-aire and getting enough AP points for another pair of ball-hugging PJ bottoms from your “VIP” store.

Thanks for dropping by, now here’s the site for the Bud Commerical (hopefully youtube.com will have it soon as you have to dish out information for this site).

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Getting Head Is a Good Thing

Heads

Colts -10.5

Hester for MVP

LeBron James vs. Colts Total Points


Have fun watching the game folks!!

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