Monday, April 30, 2007

All Ben Gay'd Up

Yo, Adrian!

Welcome to the purple. We have a welcoming boat out on Lake Minnetonka all fired up for you. Smoot left it as a going away present, just watch the floor for "unknown substances" as twisting an ankle on astroglide or a glitter-ladened g-string isn't the best way to impress the coach.

I'm copping out today because I'm burnt, semi hung-over from downing a year's supply of Coors Light (not my choice) and UV rays at the ballpark over the weekend. Due to my ability of barely hitting the sphere past the pitching rubber and my teammates ability to crush the twelve inch glow ball away from various no-neck outfielders, we managed to snag a bid from winning the tourney to play adult t-ball in Panama City, Florida (which I've found out is NOT close to two of my favorite bloggers in Orlando).

Remember to sign up tonight for Hoy's tournament at Full Tilt as the BloggerChallenge rolls on. This week also starts the softball season for me, so my virtual double Ds will be on display less often as this old man tried rolling home and ended up with a sore back and jammed pinky finger.

Yes, I'm a wuss.

Thanks for dropping by, now congrats go out to brdweb for taking down the first WSOP blogger bracelet race this year last night!! It was nice to see the mysterious Bracelet getting down to two tables as I was rooting him on despite his luckbox team defeating the Twinkies and avoiding an embarassing home series sweep yesterday. Inge? Yes, indeege.

Did everyone else enjoy their team's NFL draft? Moss to the Pats? Oh my.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Cameron Frye, This One's For You

Cam (as Mr. Peterson): ROONEY! GRRRRRRR I want my daughter out in front of the school in 10 minutes by herself!

Rooney: Yes, Yes, Yes, Sir!

Ferris: How can we pick up Sloane if Rooney is there with her?

Cameron: I said for her to be there alone and you freaked.

Ferris: Now, I didn't hit you. I lightly slapped you.

Cameron: You hit me. Look don't make me participate in your stupid crap if you don't like the way I do it. You make me get out of bed, you make me come over here. You make me make a phony phone call to Edward Rooney? The man could squash my nuts into oblivion. And-and-and then, and then, you deliberately hurt my feelings.

I've been giving serious thought into picking up my IGN-validated Geek Union card by purchasing an unnamed computer-based RPG after watching some of those WoW videos (damn what a busy interface!). The raids, the 15 year old guild leaders that spill their cases of used Red Bull cans like their life depending on getting that uber-cloth sleeve of banishment for defeating Monocule the Sighted, or the simple competition matching reaction times and accuracy with fellow Blademasters and Sorcerers.

Each time I feel that pull of spamming a Twin Blade reactionary swing after a successful parry (go read your Electronic Gaming Monthly if you understood that, dork) I am reminded at home what a slippery slope those games can be to a person with my addictive personality. Guild raid at 11pm lasting until 4am???? No problemo! I have to be there to be the main assist for a gank squad raid on some nOObs while dinner is on the table?? rAwK oN!!!!

Unfortunately as I fell further and further down that pixelized pit, the gap between the unintentionally funny guy in the video yesterday and myself was my ability to walk away, otherwise that could be me shouting at my computer monitor while Teamspeak assisted the group members over headsets with shouts of "heal me!" "peel this assassin off!" "I just jerked off to the new hentai video Cooking Mama OhLaLa!".

Being introduced to poker has been nothing short of a blessing as I have a little bit extra income, a little bit more self-confidence, and a few more people that I call my friends. Even that suckout artist Smokkee.

I've met people that in no way would I have had as much in common with those that I killed Trolls and Orcs with several years ago. Sure, some of the older players I would have felt comfortable grabbing a beer with, but the chats on IRC and IMs didn't reflect real life, and that was ok for the time due to my deep battle with depression and illness.



Now, I use words like "rebuilding" and "happiness" to describe a normal day in the neighborhood. While I'm not whistling a happy Mr. Rogers style tune each day, I'm learning to become o.k. with showing a geniune smile versus one that appeased the masses. You could read countless books on depression and recovery, but I'd bet a drink at the MGM Sportsbook bar that the biggest struggle isn't climbing out of that black hole, but stay on top of it and reminding yourself its ok to feel good. Maybe its a buried Catholic guilt thing for feeling confused about multiple days where I don't feel like shit. Things that would have had me ducking for cover under a desk, now just roll off after a quick rant and resolution. Except skulling my new lob wedge from 30-40 yards out, that brings out a rage in me that only an attentive beer cart chick can quell.

While you won't see me hoping aboard a float in a Chi-town parade belting out golden oldies, I sincerely hope you won't see me sulking into dark areas like at the last WPBT event or receiving two wheeled transportation assistance. I am truly blessed to call several of you my friends.

Group huggles?

Thanks for dropping by, now enjoy your weekend as I will be donning my stretchy pants and acquiring some grass stains while playing in the first softball tourney this weekend for my new team.

Winner gets a bid to go to Vegas.

I like.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Tuff Fish Plays WoW

To my heads up opponent last night in a SnG: pokenum -mc 500000 -o8 7c 8d 9h qs - 2h 3d 4h 4d Omaha Hi/Low 8-or-better:
500000 sampled boards
cards scoop HIwin HIlos HItie LOwin LOlos LOtie EV
Qs 7c 8d 9h 142268 264179 235821 0 29939 116966 65 0.435
4d 3d 4h 2h 207289 235821 264179 0 239156 0 65 0.565

If you're a gamer who has used Teamspeak and/or been on a "raid", here's a good indication of how my opponent would have reacted if it was TuffFish. I had the "junk" hand.

World of Warcraft video

And if you need to see the "real" video of the guy, remember that face next time you're at the 7-11 grabbing a slurpee and some candy MORE DOTS MORE DOTS MORE DOTS!!!!!!!!111oneoneone

When you have 3BBs left... its time to flip coins m'kay?

Thanks to Iggy for the video, I plan on several replays :)

Tuesday, April 24, 2007


I failed once again to gain points while playing in the Hoy last night, mainly from stellar plays that resulted in getting short-stacked and resorting to a suckout just to play on for another thirty minutes.

Amazingly, I was still participating in a small buy-in PLO8 tourney by the time I managed to push JJ into QQ and unceremoniously exited the blogger's realm and leapt back into a bigger donkey pit.

Only these guys don't joke, and were dead set on wagging their e-penises around while flaunting Sharkscope and Officalpokerranking numbers. I'd be willing to bet their work uniforms still smelled like day old McGriddles and industrial strength floor cleaner while berating the big stack for pummling the competition into submission.

No, that wasn't me wielding any four cards with a Trump Tower sized chip stack and winning.

I did the exact opposite of my "F" game that was shown in front of well-respected MTT bloggers, and Waffles. I played patiently with just a hint of granite, sweetened by some timely bust outs to make a little money on the night after realizing I was out of tier one tokens and had to buy directly into the Hoy. $26 may not seem like much, but as I've mentioned several times, I don't like playing tourneys in the first place and any tourney buy-ins above $5 could be better spent on Wii gadgets like this. But, throwing $100-$200 at a coin flip in a cash game is perfectly acceptable!

With 23 left, the payout grid noted I had to play 6th to break even for the evening. Sitting 8th for the start of the final table didn't improve my outlook as the Twinkies to my left were getting ready to implode in extra innings. In the basement some unfolded jeans, spring jackets, and panties awaited my departure from the micro tourney, but they would have to wait until...

I lost to the huge chip leader somewhere north of April 23rd bleeding into today. But, 2nd of 154 doesn't suck.

Hopefully this variance reversal last a little while longer because I'm getting dangerously close to an amount that would allow me to spend a few days with some invisible internet friends during the WSOP.

Thanks for dropping by, now drop by Pokernews and give Pauly, Change100, Flipchip, and Amy some love as they tackle the WPT Championship!

Monday, April 23, 2007

Beef: Its What I Want

First off, congrats to a pair of fine ladies for their cashes in the WPBT Limit Hold Em' tourney last night. Limit still has the undisputed reign of red ink drizzled across a spreadsheet that is firmly in the black for the year (I've been dabbling in the $1/$2 game now, just single tabling).

Bayne, sorry about the late response, but I added a little note in the comments area about the EV in that O8 hand.

Ok, the shock of having to move positions is over, but the lame duck work sessions for the next month will provide the need to channel my inner cash game patience as working on clean-up detail doesn't leave one thirsty for the quest of workplace knowledge and all that six sigma stuff they drill into your head. Its hard looking at all of assorted emails from people I've taken time to get to know and build a rapport with to allow the job to flow easier and having those bridges crumble at a moments notice.

Life. Its not going to get any easier, so why the fuck aren't you drinking?

Actually, I'm surprised at how serene the wading pool is in my head. No ripples from Wyatt diving in after his multi-colored water football, or vendors asking me questions that in a couple of weeks will become someone else's responsiblity residing several mountaintops beyond this country's borders. Just happy to be here coach, but it could have been worse and that's the route of my Soo Line thought. Staying on the course of providing for the family, instead of putting much stock into issues I cannot control.

Ugh. Did I use a G-Dubya-ism? Its Monday, forgive me for any lack of coherency as my friends got together to enjoy the great outdoors of my backyard, drunken conversation (Twins losing two of three to the Royals?!?!?!), and charred animal in various presentations. Purging of a bad day, week, month, or even your year as I'll be there for yooooooooooou...

(excuse me while I grab a shotgun for my head to remove the "Friends" theme song)

Ok, its always a mental loofah to party with like-minded adults while the kids are locked away in an undisclosed nuclear bunker or my parent's house where they got to the freshly baked M and M cookies before my little paws got one. There's still no better therapy then sitting on a porch with light breeze floating thru the grill or by a bonfire with a smooth Gurkha resting between my fingers just rambling off good reasons why the Vikes should go after Adrian Peterson versus Brady Quinn at the NFL draft this week. Still hoping T-Jax (because shortened names are da shit yo!) will turn out more like Randal Cunningham vs. Tony Randall, and an exciting back would be snug for the Vikes insistance on winning games 9 to 7 last year. I predict several 12 to 7 victories this coming season.

And maybe with a little luck, I'll be able to see my invisible internet friends as well this summer. Of course that would mean I actually have to PLAY in a WSOP qualifer first because without a bracelet race win, my wife's response would be somewhere between "hell no" and "honey, the swelling from the frying pan should go down soon".

Thanks for dropping by, now Hoy, tonight, Full Tilt, BloggerChallenge, screenshots and name-calling to ensue, news at 11.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Asshats Need Not To Breathe

With four bloggers on the bubble of the $75 token frenzy last night, it looked as if another four entries would be made for the next "Big Game" as put on by BloggerChallenge leader and all-around nice guy MiamiDon.

Smokkee had his token wrapped up, WilWonka just survived a forced all-in to a chop, I was sitting low but the blinds just passed and I had enough to get my token. And StB was the unfortunate receiptant of the assholery play that happened on all three of the final tables. Basically whomever was the chip leader at each table pushed all-in every. single. hand.

Being acute satellite players of course we were folding to the token, but seriously, what the fuck. What happens if a equally stupid, similarly stacked idiot decides to look him up? Is it worth creaming your pants over "winning" a satellite versus obtaining the token without question? I think karma dictates those chip leaders to take 989:1 beat when they use those tokens while being told their subscriptions to "Reverse Beastality Monthly" were accidently re-routed to their bosses at McDonald's.

Then again, fundamentally bad plays like that are reasons why we're able to make money playing this little game over the intertubes.

I'm off today to hopefully cheer up a family member that has hit a rough patch and might not be on for the Riverchasers tourney hosted by he-who-shall-not-be-named (yes, I admit to wanting the new Harry Potter book).

If you want some content that will stimulate more then a dozen body parts and haven't read the pimpin from other sites, Pauly is back with another Truckin' issue make sure you drop by to give it its due.

Thanks for dropping by, now how soon until we hear A-Rod + Steroid allegations? As must admit as I detest the Yankees, the boy is making the game look like co-ed softball night with a cooler of Busch Light sitting in the dugout for beers in-between at-bats. Phenomicytical and down right fun to watch. Go A-Rod!

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Riding The High Tide In

American Idol was popped on to both my ear's dissatisfaction to receive the fork-on-chalkboard sound of Sanjaya. Excuse me sir, New Kids On the Block called and little Joey wants his outfit back, but keep the inability to hold a tune.

Can you get booted for being the one solid performer on the show? Simon was right to point out that Melinda should quit the Minnesotan-type bashiful "aw' shucks it ain't nuttin'" attitude and acknowledge she is the best without hitting diva territory. Maybe those years as a backup singer have scarred her from blossoming to the performer she could be because she doesn't want to turn into that type of person.

I'm changing careers in a matter of a few weeks and all I'm typing out is some TV show where viewers intend on continuing the joke (except last week where he finally earned his way to move on) of keeping the chameleon of Bangladesh on the show.

Avoidance, misdirection, deep breaths, family time, and some poker and porn sessions will suffice as I saunder through the work day while being viewed as some sort of sick puppy with those cute eyes that make you want to babble some baby talk while scratching its ears. I'm usually one to roll with the punches but taking the frying pan to the face yesterday left a bacon-scented greasy residue and it will take some time to trust again while pouring over my new T.P.S. reports.

Its ironic that I choose yesterday to wear my "company colors" to work, and left the building with a feeling of violation. Don't get me wrong, I'm graceful and actually optomistic about the new position (despite it being a small demotion) but suddeness of the three different departmental meetings yesterday and sitting through them with people casting stares in your direction like you just popped a zit on them, wasn't my idea of a solid work day. Thus ends the work rant, back to business as usual.

On the poker side, I continued my little streak of three final tables in four days with another late cash in a $20 90 man SnG last night. With Matty pointing out that my opponents have managed to defeat the laws of mathematics and lost well over 100 buy ins to $10 and $20 SnGs, I figured my chances were fairly good for a shot at the $500+ pay day. But, the fateful hand came down three handed, and I'd like you weigh your expert opinions if you will (I don't do this often so if you come here for poker content, enjoy):

Blinds 750/1500/100 (ante might be slightly different)

Effective stacks:

Button (the charming, dashing, and frankly looks goofy with his new contacts in, your hero): 68,000
Sharkscope Donkey: 120,000
Push Monkey: 113,500

Reads: Donkey has managed to suckout his way to the final table and the chip lead by hitting several draws after CALLING all-in on three different occassions. But, he has shown the ability to fold to aggression.

Push Monkey was just gifted his stack by another equally large stack by pushing pre-flop with A9o and getting called by 55. He has one move post-flop and that is to push despite having nearly 100BBs.

I raise with a pot bet from the button as I have a couple of times with non-premium hands that are better suited for doubling down at the Rio's six deck blackjack tables, but this time I am looking down at AcKc. Donkey folds, and Push Monkey elects to call.

Flop is: Kd Qc 7d

Push Monkey sees a banana and starts a Tarzan yell while spamming his all-in tab on the betting screen. After watching a couple of other players in the tournament do this with any pair, any draw, and watching this opponent continually shove his chips in like a Maury-show guest that just found out he is the 23rd guy to be tested negative for the trailer trash's kid's paternity do you call here?

Forget range of hands, EV, and that time you walked by the women's dressing room at Kohl's and catching a small glimps of the Lindsay Lohan (pre-preztel stick figure) look-a-like trying on a new bikini, and can you give him credit here for having more than just one pair based upon his inability to keep his dick in his pants?

Do you fold and look for a better spot? We can certainly do so, since our stack size is fairly large with respect to the blinds and eventually you know your opponents will shove pre-flop and race off their chips thus leaving you at a probable 4:1 disadvanage heads-up.

There I wrote about poker again, should suffice until after the mOOOOkie tonight. See you then.

Thanks for dropping by, now I'd like to thank you all for the kind words of encouragement over the past few weeks. The emotional roller coaster has been flatened out by the IMs and comments thus keeping me even keel through the highs and lows, and I'm a better person due to it.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

My head is in a different place right now. I come in this morning to find a private meeting with HR and my boss' boss.

Rumors of course have been swirling and my head is about in the same place it was pushing a pair into Otis' flopped trips last night.

I'll update later if I'm not busy packing up my stuff in a copy paper box after 11 years.

Update: Bad news is that my position is in fact being shipped off to Bangalore. The good news is, I have been reassigned within the company without any lost of pay.

I guess that's the best I could have hoped for, still feels like a kick to the junk though.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Big Game, Big Win

I checked with my bookie this weekend about taking Santana at home versus the lowly Tampa Bay Devil Rays on the run line.

"Bet the house and get me some Shrek fun fruit!" exclaimed the diminutive arm breaker

Fortunately the wager was fictional as paying for a trip to a train museum and there’s no such thing as wagering on sporting events over the internets. I had to pay that sinister toddler looking man-child pictured to the left whom laughed his way to the Jackson Street Roundhouse after the Cy Young award winner decided to leave a few change-ups hanging thus losing the game for the Twinkies.

At least the Thomas the Tank Engine videos were fun to watch with free chocolate milk and M & M cookies on Sunday morning as we beat the crowd and enjoyed a little history lesson of the St. Paul based roundhouse upon the old steel horses. After a quick nine with my friend Burnsie, who only enjoys my easy money on the golf course, we set out to meet up with family for some overpriced arcade fun at Dave and Busters.

A question on tipping etiquette: we had a party of about 14 people including three kids that were well-behaved despite the siren sounds of tickets being extracted from the various games of skill in the arcade. Our bill had an 18% gratuity charge, standard and not an issue as it was well-deserved. Does the waiter receive this, or does the tip go to the house? I tipped above the amount anyway due to the waiter’s lack of corporate robotism as seen on previous trips, but if I hadn’t tipped I wanted to make sure he was rewarded for answering in-depth questions from Wyatt about the restored Pac-Man game that stood only a first down away from his seat at the table.

After grabbing enough tickets to purchase must have items such as a Star Wars lightsaber (over/under for knocked down pictures is set at three days) and a couple of Care Bears for the little one, we headed back home where I was ready to cheer on my fellow bloggers in the Big Game (hosted by Miami Don).

Kyra was dancing around due to the overload of lights and double shots of Rumple Mintze but settled in with her newly acquired stuffed animals and slept like, well, a baby. My computer showed a couple of IMs from a pair of fellow degenerates asking if I was playing the tourney this evening. I assumed the tourney started at 7:30 because that’s what Microsoft Outlook said, my thanks to Billy G. in Washington! With a few “stitch it ups” and “just give the kid a tranquilizer dart” I managed to read thru half of the Cat In the Hat’s antics with promises of finishing this evening while pre-registering for the tourney.

Defending Champ Pauly, Miami Don, Blinders, Iakaris, TABLE CHANGE! Then again, this is what the Big Game was supposed to do, bring out the bloggers for a chance at a decent sized cash and “serious” poker. Yes, I played the hammer for a raise. Yes, I played the mOOOOOkie for a raise.

And yes, I managed to chop 1st after it was all done and took the 1st place points for the bloggerpokerchallenge as I apologize for not knowing my fellow players whom I chopped with.

One flip, one suckout, and one resuck that’s all the action packed recap I can muster, as I’ll leave tourney reporting to the pros, and stick with things I know like skulling a lob wedge so badly someone asked what gauge was the shotgun I fired after an approach shot.

And after losing a good chunk of change on Saturday after another failed attempt to grasp limit O8, it put a smile back on this “poker” blogger’s face another as wide as the bookie’s picture above.

Thanks for dropping by, now if the other players in the chop could forward their links I’ll post em up as my two readers will send countless hits to your websites :)


Mike Maloney (not from Police Academy!)


Anyone know the clown?

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Two Cards? I Push.

Actions speak louder then words, right?

Some people just suffer from lead foot disease when spouting off (see Don Imus).

Now consider this guy from Northern Minnesota:

"(I)f the people in my district had voted for slavery, and if the vast majority had, and I was representing them, the answer is yes, I would have voted for it," Commissioner Keith Nelson said at a meeting of the St. Louis County Board.

Nelson's comment came during a board debate in February over a proposed county smoking ban.

Nelson said he opposed the ban because most of his constituents wanted him to -- and he always followed the will of his constituents.That prompted a question from fellow Commissioner Bill Kron. "I said there are some issues of conscience where the majority may not be right, for example would you have voted for slavery if the majority of your constituents would have?" Kron recalled Wednesday.

When Nelson said yes, "Everyone's jaws sort of dropped," Kron said.

Misplaced bigotry? Misplaced sense of responsiblity? Or misplaced his fifth of Johnny Walker?

Now... think of Imus who has a past, unlike the above example, has a history of spouting off at the mouth about various subjects in a non-PC way that was until last week, tolerated and even rewarded. Was it really neccessary to jump on the guy's freakish nose hairs for comment that may have been a little inflamatory due to the color of HIS skin? Anyone want to bet money on a black comedian doing stand-up in the next month will use the term "nappy headed 'ho" within their set while mocking Imus?

No takers for the "no" side? Will Al and Jesse be there to admonish the jokester?

As for my pledged poker-y content, due to Speaker's ability to win races with crap cards like AKs, I spent the entire Mooooooookie last night acting like a push monkey until Wyatt decided to wake up around 11pm and I pushed any two before assisting him with bathroom duties to see I was bounced in 15th place after him a quick hug and kiss goodnight.

Actually, I had fun again behind my nurse avatar with the Dallas Stars rooting Fat Guy (nice comeback by Modano and crew, wish I'd stayed up for the final buzzer), and other familar faces that are proding me to join the troops in Vegas within a few months. But, other obligations and no time to loosen the wallets of the online Omatards leaves my funds rather limp for such a flight.

If I should win a bracelet race, this would change my plans. As nothing short of being called a snowball on a stick by a radio shock jock would stop my appearance at the Rio. Never mind those gentlemen with three letter in bright yellow on their backs either.

Thanks for dropping by, now you may fear your standings on the BloggerChallenge scoreboard now that I have arrived.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Mookie? Signs Point To Yes

I shall be conserving my chi today for slaying the monster that has become Miami Don.

Funny, I thought he was pretty cool meeting him at the Sahara last week, now all he does is take blogger's mobneys via quasi-legal means over the internets. Of course I should mention I lasted three hours longer then him at the live tourney in a sad attempt to knock this beast off his game.

If that doesn't work I'll resort to sticks and stones next.

Baring some freakish snow storm in April I be pla...

Oh, its snowing here? Sigh.

See you at the Mookie tonight kids, remember to bring your jokes and screw those tin foil caps on tight.

Note to Ryan: Did you get my email for your brother? For some reason they get caught by spam filters sometimes.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

The Post With No Name

I’m in a strange place right now. There should be different roads and avenues for me to take yet I feel trapped in a tunnel between two ways of solving an issue at home that gnaws at me like a pesky gnat while enjoying a beer soaked brat on the porch during a hot summer day with a little breeze coming through.

What do you do when you’ve beaten a subject to death, and then throw it into a microwave for good measure? Yet it comes back up like undercooked pork leaving a raw taste in your mouth and gasping for someway to feel whole again after praying to the porcelain gods. I have no words for the emotions I have gone through in the last two weeks due to my sudden entry into mainstream life again. No longer do I require an army of friends and family to shuttle my handi-capable ass around like Lieutenant Dan needing to procure more shrimp. There’s one less logistical reason for me not to grab that piece of paper from a scholarly institution to advance my career at work (if I choose to do so, but at the moment I enjoy my job).

How do you look at the love of your life knowing that something is being held back yet cannot explain it? It tortures me that the effort is there but the actions are not. Do I press that small pair in middle position with five big blinds left on the bubble? Sorry for the poker analogy but being that this was once a poker blog and that I play once in a while still, a little card tangent seemed fitting.

I do not love my life any less, but yet feel a piece of the puzzle is missing. There’s a want out there with no name (cue “The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly” theme song and a dusty Clint Eastwood with a hand rolled smoke hanging on the side of his mouth, strolling into town to kick ass). Seriously I’m fucked in the head right now and Vegas didn’t alleviate mental ping-pong that has been going on for a while. If only life were as easy as a Jimmy Buffett song maybe I wouldn’t be pecking away at these keys wondering why I didn’t even touch the computer last night due to apathy towards my favorite hobby.

Ok, I’m going to end this self-gazing before I rip too heavily into Sidney “Cream Puff” Ponson for his stellar batting practice performance last night on the hill. A hint to the hockey haired, sumo wrestling gutted hurler… throwing looping change-ups over the middle of the plate will get hit hard. Chew on that next time you’re thinking about blaming the hen-pecked fielders (for one error) that had to deal with the lasers coming off those over-priced Yankee bats.

Thanks for dropping by, now I promise to make it to the next MOOOOOOOOOkie tourney and retain my poker playing blogger card.

Monday, April 09, 2007

Dude Where's My Hundred?

Back from the Land of the Lost and into the Land of the Frost, typing on my trusty Microsoft Word blank page, negotiating my brand new contacts which seem to enjoy changing my eye sight in five minute intervals.

Did I have fun? Yes.

Did I drink enough to warrant a wheelchair ride again? No, but it wasn’t lack of effort.

Did I win? Kind of.

Did I see bOObies? Lots and some that gave bOObies a bad name which shouldn’t have seen the bright, blue skies above the MGM pool.

Vegas had more of a calming effect on me, versus the all out lets-get-really-really-drunk-and-end-up-with-a-three-way-from-a-porn-slappers-ad-girl-and-the-wife. There were no extreme highs, but a decent size bump in happiness from the Sahara. Seeing Don and dishing out bad NCAA hockey advice (UND BLOWS!) was definitely a highlight of the trip in my book. Of course I played a little poker there as well, and managed to hold the blogger tradition of finishing up late at the final table of their daily rebuy tourney. I couldn’t overcome the oppressive blinds for the win, but a fifth place finish after being almost dead last at the first break gave me a sense of accomplishment for the week. Or maybe that’s the several Cap’n Cokes I consumed doing the talking as the waitresses were kind enough to keep my glass filled for the duration of this surprisingly well structured tourney for the first two hours. At the price, I was considering the tourney a grand bargain while I watched my chip stack deplete slowly since the blinds-to-chip ratio was low and one could play many speculative hands.

But, for the cost of tipping the waitress for some refreshments, and having Don’s wide smile cheer me on the rail (victim of cards not holding up), I got the uplift needed to make the Vegas trip a success. Successful, doesn’t equate to profitability when you factor in my lowly slot fetish. Oh, these denizens of electronic coin operated hell, your siren call of bonus games and mindless entertainment with waitresses serving cold cocktails and serving even colder stares of disgust as your pennies and nickels are spun through an random number generator so the casino can build that $2.8 billion new addition.

Mr. Cashman > Drizz

Drizz > Stupid people at the poker table

Funny how I could take money from the douchebag in the seven seat as his hands shook so badly that finally woke up with Aces for the first time in two hours begging for someone to play Q9o and hit two pair to bust him, but that computer generated top-hat wearing coin did a similar number to my wallet.

So who’s the idiot?

On a slightly different tangent, I am sad to report that the quality in porn slapping on the streets of Las Vegas Boulevard were at an all-time low. No feeling given into handing fliers of promiscuous women offering half-hour to an hour long relationships of a platonic nature of course. No zing of smut emitting from those fingers to provide Sunny the former cheerleader’s private phone number. Besides no lazy river at the MGM pool, the porn slappers lack of marketing zealousness was the only true disappointment of the trip.

Despite the lack of inter-tubing fun, the MGM itself rocked. The beds were covered with lush pillows (do people really require 6 full size pillows???) and comforters that caused me to pass out almost every night after returning with the wife to our temporary home, and not giving into sneaking out the door at 2am to throw another Pai Gow hand into the muck. The poker room was run professionally as always with staff that kept my BAC at Vegas-levels for the week. Only miscue by the poker room was the morning tourney structure that should have “turbo” written next to its description. Popular indeed, as alternates were being filed in quickly for this card-catching bingo tourney during the first three levels up until the break. Sadly, my bingo card showed no dabber markings and I exited before the wife could get her soon-to-be burnt but still cute tush away from the pool.

Still buzzing on the plane ride home, I wondered out loud to my wife why we continue to make our yearly journey to a city that leaves our wallets lighter and heads swimming in alcoholic residue on the trip back to the frozen north?

I still don’t have a definitive answer and may never have one since my name will be on another ticket going west next year as well.

Thanks for dropping by, now for those who enjoy a good steak (and if you don’t go back to your tofu burger and ignore this) I have a question.

I was dining at Emeril’s at the MGM for our nice dinner of the week and choose the Louisiana Cedar Plank Campfire Steak to remind myself that double cheeseburger at McD’s while tasty just don’t substitute for a real dinner. Now while I saw “cedar plank” in the description I wasn’t expecting the actual wood to be served along with the best mashed taters this mouth has ever tasted.

The question(s): Why was the steak prepped on the wood, and why was it served with the wood?

Remember I consider fine dining as any place that provides silverware versus plastic wrapped sporks and don’t get out to places like this often.

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Icy Buzz Kill

Seeing your breath after exiting the plane from Vegas certainly reminds you the SPF 45 is not necessary for sitting by the pool with your margarita the next day.

Short trip report on Monday after I sober up :)

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Home Improvement Tip #483

If you connect your sump pump to a hose during a downpour, don't be surprised when you return home for the evening that your basement is flooded when you don't put the hose outside of the house.

Be back on Friday.