Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Awesome Advertures At AA


Got this picture with some spam from American Airlines with the tag:

Hot deals to cool destinations-at AA.com.
Telling a Minnesotan he needs to go some place cool while he's watching snow fall outside his window in April?!?!
Yes, you're doing it wrong sirs.

Fingers Crossed for South Carolina Poker

“You keep me dry daddy”.

New words to tickle my auditory senses as the hearing aids continue to deliver my kids’ speech to me daily. This morning, it was the groggy near-three-year-old-going-on-fourteen demanding shelter from the faux blizzard that dropped near-snow will threaten the flooding efforts to our west at the Red River. As I stepped across the slush to drop off four kids this morning (two of my own and a niece and nephew staying over for the past few days), Kyra gave some encouragement to get her in the house and lucky for me I caught every MUSH DOG MUSH until she was safely in nana’s hands.

After having four kids for the past three days, I have a question to those who decided that two were not enough pain for their wives to plop out on to this earth or to shut off the sperm valve via hot Marisa Miller looking-nurse flicking your limp dick while the Urologist makes the proper incisions while attempting humor to prevent you from thinking about the baby making factory being laid off permanently.

Why?

Why would anyone want this daily mass hysteria of four (or more) fickle mouths to feed and separate personalities to coddle when so-and-so took my Barbie Cappuccino maker which announces the daily special of fresh scones with every order. Dick Van Patten may slap a facepalm while reading this, but two is enough!

Ok, it wasn’t horrible. My niece and nephew were fairly good as the kids got along for the most point but my wife turned into some SuperNanny-ish woman during dinner time that had slightly less logistics then your basic 400 person major poker tournament (Dream Team tournament concept = gold, lets do this in December for the WPBT Winter Classic). Maybe she deserves a little spa time while in Vegas next week for the Vegas-lite trip that I’ll reserve judgment on until I throw my last twenty into the Wheel of Fortune progressive machines at McCarran five minutes for boarding to go back home.

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If South Carolina’s PPA can get the ball rolling on defeating those 100+ year old nanny-state laws that ban risqué games like Monopoly, Strip Parcheesi, and our little card game of poker we may see a snowball effect for other states (except Utah where cleavage in public will net you a flogging) to follow in-line and wake up more states to the attempts in getting online poker de-UIGEA’d. It starts with the live game which has been around slightly longer, and ends with the fish at Party Poker being allowed back into the aquarium to call you down with fourth pair for their stack.

I tried following the PPA’s and Otis’ twitters this morning to piece together what happened but we’ll have to wait for an UpForPoker update.


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Accepted apology?

Either I would never want to face the dead calm of Ryan Moats at a poker table, or this is some way to leave the bridge of a huge civil suit standing. The asshat police officer got a public repremand from his boss which rarely if ever happens, yet thanks to his union, if the officer can stand the shame of the public tongue lashing he'll receive over the next several years he'll be able to keep his job despite one of the worst displays of manhandling logic since any person moving deciding to live in Minnesota for the weather.

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Who got more sleep last night John Calipari or G-Rob?

A good fit for sure, but why the decision "to sleep on it" for the Kentucky Basketball head coaching job? Why the cock tease John? Maybe the threat of Dan Monson considering the job would help you make a decision.

That was a joke folks, now go back to rooting for Notre Dame, the Yankees, and Cowboys.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Breakfast Is Best Served Hot

Depsite operating off only a few hours of sleep, coupled with the crunch of getting four kids ready this morning, the phlegm molasses germ has moved on and I’m a six pack of Leffe Blonde away from having a chipper day. There’s a sense of completion when draining a bottle of your favorite hops late at night after staying up to finish some work. Its work that may take a change in the future, but for now its something that makes the day job a little more fun to go to.

A sense of worth is tough to reach for as you file your TPS reports with the crispness of a Tiger Woods putt on the 72nd hole of a tourney with the trophy on the line (anyone who watched... was there any doubt he'd win while teeing off on the first hole?), but are left with a question of are those spreadsheets good for anything? Am I providing something to someone tangible? Being firmly entrenched in the corporate barracks its hard to feel a part of something so huge despite the occasional good worker award plaque that nets a pat-on-the-back and choice of a Sweet Martha’s Cookie.

When I snap up a write-up on the PokerStarsBlog, staying up past midnight knowing there's a shower at four a.m. with my name on it, I know there’s some online rounder out there checking out the action and wading thru my horrible puns to hear about someone’s streak of luck got turned into five figure or more score and suddenly that -98% ROI gets a boost. Content from never getting anything near that at the big box is fine with me, I am grunt worker, I enjoy someone handing me an assignment and getting the piece of paper weekly to pay the mortgage and my wife’s attempts on fitting into a two-piece again.

When told to lead, that can be done as well, but my life isn’t one to seek opportunities to lead the allies’ forces onto the Battle of Normandy, its get to that hand shake and go back to teaching the boy a proper batting stance. Titles and prestige are for someone who cares for such things, if that’s your bag baby; go for it because that’s what you believe in. Master Chief/Sergeant Major with 30 years worth of bars would sit on my sleeve if I wore a uniform versus a button down and tie.

It’s a good place to know you can feed those at home with a little left over for the occasional jaunt to see displaced friends across the country. And right now with the economy doing the bowel movement of some bad egg bake, it’s not a bad place to be.

Here’s to hoping my friends out there who are looking for work or even those mired in cubical hell that you find your place soon in whatever position you desire.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Dream Team Payouts

Here's what those kids are playing for today with the teams getting 60% of the prize pool, while the studly players who are still in get to keep 40% for themselves (information from Ceasar's Palace and Lotus):


Team prize pool 60% $133,200
Team place Percentage
1st 45% $ 59,940.00
2nd 25% $ 33,300.00
3rd 12% $ 15,984.00
4th 8% $ 10,656.00
5th 5% $ 6 ,660.00
6th 3% $ 3 ,996.00
7th 2% $ 2 ,664.00


Individual prize pool 40% $88,800
IND. Place Percentage
1st 27% $24,063
2nd 15% $13,320
3rd 9% $7,992
4th 7.5% $6,660
5th 6% $5,328
6th 4.5% $3,996
7th 4% $3,552
8th 3% $2,664
9th 2.50% $2,220
10th 2.00% $1,776
11th 2.00% $1,776
12th 1.80% $1,598
13th 1.80% $1,598
14th 1.50% $1,332
15th 1.50% $1,332
16th 1.20% $1,066
17th 1.20% $1,066
18th 1.20% $1,066
19th 1.20% $1,066
20th 1% $888
21st 1% $888
22nd 1% $888
23rd 1% $888
24th 1% $888
25th 1% $888

Dream Team Poker Day 1

Courtesy of Lotus (sadly no 420's or Team Bluff in the money):

There was a lot of buzz and hype leading up to the first open Dream Team Poker event at Caesars this weekend, and so far it hasn’t disappointed.

The event featured 148 teams (444 players) with a total prize pool of $222,000 and took over the entire Caesars Palace Poker Room. The total team prize pool hit $133,200 with the first place team taking home $59,940. The individual prize pool is $88,000 with the champion bringing in a pay day of $23,976.

Team Favorites, made up of Phil Hellmuth, Mike Matusow, and Los Angeles Lakers owner Jerry Buss, were the team to beat when play started, but lost steam when Matusow and Buss left in midway through the day.

Currently, Team Aced is the only team left with two players in the field (Jamie Gold & Ashley Nataupsky). They are the new favorites to take the Top Team Prize.The bubble belonged to Anthony Ray (The Sharks) whose ace’s were cracked by Ron Perelman’s (Totally Unrewarded) pocket eights, spiking a set on the flop.

Here are the individual standings and team rankings at the end of
Day 1:
Player Name (Team Name) - Chip Count
John Regis (Poker Masters) - 480,000
Philip Rousseaux (Team Claddaghs) - 408,500
Gerald Percival (Runner, Runner) - 398,000
Rob Bisano (Pocket Rockets) - 366,000
Tom McEvoy (PICCLUB.com Team 1) - 348,500
Jarrod Klein (Party at the Mansion) - 274,000
Joe Shukys (Team Palace) - 225,500
John Futris (Sex Panthers) - 206,000
Rob Perelman (Totally Unrewarded) - 165,000
Lisa Parsons (Lady Luck) - 159,000
Kia Illulian (Smoking Aces) - 155,000
Masih Bahadori (Poker Posin) - 141,500
Marsha Waggoner (PICCLUB.com Team 2) - 141,000
Bobby Ramirez (West Coast Rounders) - 138,500
Mike Sims (Ari's Training) - 130,000
Danny Nelson (Biker Haven) - 119,500
Jeremy Ward (Do Work) - 95,500
Ashley Nataupsky (Team Aced) - 89,000
Thor Hansen (IPPA Tour) - 85,000
David Pollack (Pass the Sugar) - 84,000
Arshid Torkaman (The Clones) - 75,500
Phil Palermo (The Hellmuth Busters) - 63,000
Paul Ringer (Team NLP) - 54,000
Jamie Gold (Team Aced) - 45,000
Gary Weiss (3 Amigos) - 26,500

Play resumes Sunday at 1pm. Tables will be redrawn and the level clock set back to $4000/$8000 blinds with a $1000 ante. Updated team standings will be sent out before play resumes.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Congresswomen Shelley Berkley Speaking at Dream Team Poker Event

This is for those bloggers and media-types that will be at the sold out Dream Team Poker Tourney tomorrow in Vegas. Another good place to get our word out on the game we love and hope to defeat the UIGEA.

Information below is for her press conference:


CONGRESSWOMAN SHELLEY BERKLEY TO HOLD PRESS CONFERENCE AT CAESARS PALACE

Special Guest to Kick-off Dream Team Poker Tournament

WHO:
Rep. Shelley Berkley (D-Nevada)
Top poker pros and celebrities include Mekhi Phifer, Phil Hellmuth, Mike Matusow and Jamie Gold

WHAT:
Congresswoman Shelley Berkley to initiate “shuffle up and deal” at the second Dream Team Poker Tournament.

WHERE:
Dream Team Poker Tournament
Poker Room, Caesars Palace Las Vegas

WHEN:
Saturday, March 28

PRESS CONFERENCE: 11:45-12:00
Please arrive as early as 11:45 to conduct interviews with Congresswoman Berkley prior to the tournament start at 12 p.m.

ABOUT:
Berkley is known as one of the supporters of the drive to regulate online gambling. She was one of the few congressional members to stand up against Bill Frist’s addition of the Unlawful Internet Gambling Enforcement Act of 2006.

Dream Team Poker is a team variation of the game of poker featuring a patent pending scoring system. In November, Dream Team Poker kicked-off their inaugural invitational event and attracted a diverse group of poker champions, celebrities, journalists and local casino players. The sold out second event capped out at 170 teams and more than 500 players with a prize pool of more than $250,000.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Push Ups for Porn

From my own the land of WTF, and possibly Bobby Bracelet's only chance to make right with the Jebus:

Overcoming Pr0n with Boot Camp!

Yes, here in Minnesota you can get your midget clown porn loving self taught the ways of the limp and somehow get through the day without self-creaming your pants via lovegoddessxxx.com. No idea how doing push ups and being around other guys in tight quarters is supposed to fend off the evils of internet boobies because being around fellow fapping fanatics while taking orders from R. Lee Ermey.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Premature Cardulation

Much like every chance I have to consumate my marriage, I came too early playing the Skillz game last night.

First hand, nut flush.

Little bit later, Aces, got paid off.

Set over Set, capped pre, flop, turn, and river. Double up.

Still not enough as my small pairs late in the second hour went down in flames each time. No traction after the set over set hand and I busted somewhere between taking some generic cold pills and a shot of OJ to attempt to ease into bed.

Failed on that part as well, as my Arabian Nights dream kept getting more and more interesting with every passing harem lady marking the side boundaries of a broken stone path leading into some celestial mist. I couldn't seem to reach the mist but also couldn't gawk too hard at the sheer fabrics across the Persian hotties bodies because the stones would fall into an abyss if I stayed too long on one.

Which was a stark contrast to the view while attempting to sweat out this cold/flu in the sauna last night.

A note to old dudes who enjoy prancing around naked in the locker room: Its a towel, used to dry oneself off after showering or covering unslightly areas like your micropenis you seem to have a little too much showing off while surrounded by people of the same gender. NO ONE WANTS TO LOOK AT YOUR OLIVE-SIZED DICK THAT'S COVERED BY YOUR FOURTH BELLY CHIN. Cover the fuck up please. Thankfully by removing my glasses I was not subject to wee-wang in the sweat room and could sit in peace with my Benadryl-infused dreams.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Forcast Calls For Snot

Best analogy I could come up with for my present state of health was: looking like Peter North's dick-double in a bukkake film everytime I sneeze.

This better go away soon because in two weeks I'll be non-stop working and flying on my "vacation" as I gear up for SCOOP at PokerStars and Vegas-lite with the boy and wife. Still hoping on taking a rental car out for a day and heading to Red Rock which I haven't had the chance to experience yet.

In fact in the 10+ years of dropping by Sin City to shower the local economy with dollar bills and my low-rolling ways, I have yet to go outside of the strip or freemont street for more then a block (not counting the Gold Coast/Rio). Since this trip isn't about learning the hooker's astrology signs at 3am over a half-dozen jag-bombs and taking in her tale of how her last trick ended with a request to call him Obama as he climaxed after 90 seconds, I'd like to see a little of Vegas outside of the huge Danny Gans posters and triple-slide porn slappers.

Working while out there is another new experience, which I'm eternally graceful for the continued confidence of those at the (new and improved courtesy of Simon Young) PokerStarsBlog for including this wayward blogger.

Thank you sir for having me on the team. Can't wait for another crazy tournament series.

Oh, if you want a real end-of-a-trip report? I suggest Otis' latest from Uruguay. I heart me some good beer stories.

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Curt Schilling Cooperstown bound?

Three rings will get him in ahead of Blyleven despite similar numbers. We'll see if the regular print media's hatred for bloggers ring true when the neccessary 75% of the votes are needed for inclusion to the hall.

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Winnie Cooper married!!

Damn it. I bet Kevin is sulking right now for missing out on that. Yet, this might be a boom for Wonder Years DVD sales as I'm interested in hoping over to Target for the boxed set just from hearing the news.

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Wasn't going to post today yet hammered this out. This writing thing is getting addicting.

Monday, March 23, 2009

The Grass Is Finally Green, and The Girls Are Pretty

Nice full weekend.

Got to finish up a short story which may get expanded in the future, for now she can rest.

Family and friends decided to brave the outdoors for the first bonfire of the year that carried zero percent chance of frostbite. This outdoors thing, I could get used to that.

Plenty of Chalk Madness on CBS while at the gym and on the couch. Only Lute Olson’s ghost is shuffling the only double-digit seed in to the sweet sixteen. Borrrrrrring. No Davidson, No George Mason, No Southwestern Central Idaho’s School of the Blind. Except for the chalk riders hoping to win their office bracket or have a rooting interest as alumni found the big seeds winning as exciting.

I do feel for that kid who stepped on the inbound line when down by two in the Marq./Mizzou game (which was exciting despite my limited views on college basketball). Still, he’s no Chris Webber.

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If you would like a tutorial on late game big MTT play, I suggest keying in “mig.com” or James Mackey and asking for a pointer or three. After spotting the name late in the tourney, and watched the ATC re-pushes, the constant open raises, and a dab of restraint. The final hand of the Sunday Warm-up at PokerStars was played out oddly with the eventual winner, Buton77, calling a shove by Mackey with just middle pair/bad kicker and being right as Mackey held a draw. The straight draw would hit on the turn but also gave Buton77 two pair…

… which filled up on the river.

Not sure if I own a stomach strong enough to watch cards rain down like that for the $30K difference between first and second. Kudos to this young tournament wreaking ball, and props to Buton77 for not backing down during heads-up and making one hell of a call for the win.

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I just realized its under two weeks until I will be in Vegas for a family-styled vacation, as opposed to booze and slowly peeled 5am Pai Gow. If you’re not a resident of the strip, could you put aside your degenerate tendencies with all of open opportunities of gambling and stripper glitter for a week of relaxation with those under the drinking age?

Should be fun, hope its fun for my son’s sake as I’m going there for him first, wife second, and me a distant third.

For someone who is definitely rockin his current place of residence, I direct you to Sir AlCantHang. If that video is locked, you missed out and I laugh in your general direction but be assured that bull is still laughing at me not only for the thigh bruises I suffered but for the fact that he got to ride those hot female forms multiple times.

Bastard.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Dream Poker Nears Its Start

From the halls of Caesar's Palace, Dream Poker is starting up next weekend. Sadly, those hundreds of emails for my services (as a gofer) to play on someone's team have been denied because my wife promised to make breaded pork chops for dinner.

For those with the cash and happen to be in the vicinity of sin city next week here's your official press release:


Dream Team Poker Announces Lineup of World Champions and Top Professionals for Caesars Palace Event


Anticipation Builds Around Teams in First Public Tournament

BEVERLY HILLS, CA--(Marketwire - March 19, 2009) - Dream Team Poker today announced the team lineup for their upcoming tournament to be held at the prestigious poker room at Caesars Palace Las Vegas from March 27-29, 2009. With only 10 days left to register, the event is exceeding capacity, has surpassed expectations and has become the most anticipated tournament of 2009.

"The overwhelming interest from top poker pros to participate in a non-televised, five-hundred dollar game proves that the Dream Team Poker concept provides a needed, new experience to players," said Daniel Delshad, CEO of Dream Team Gaming. "With team registrations coming in from all over the United States and internationally, I look forward to watching the battle for best team in poker."

Odds makers are calling "Team Favorites," made up of Phil Hellmuth, Mike "The Mouth" Matusow, and Los Angeles Lakers owner Jerry Buss, the team to beat in the tournament. The event will also feature an all-women's team, called "Team Yo Mama," made up of Tiffany Michele, Maria Ho and Lacey Jones. T.J. Cloutier, Tom McEvoy and Kathy Liebert will make up a team of poker veterans for PICClub.com Pro Team 1.

Other notable pros forming their own teams include Jamie Gold, Jerry Yang, Justin Bonomo (returning November Team Champion with Team Bluff), Jason Lilly (returning November Individual Champion), Dennis Phillips, Hoyt Corkins, Todd Brunson, Mark Seif, Paul Wasicka, Joe Sebok, Jeff Madsen, Scott Fischman, Kristy Gazes, Liz Liu, Quinn Do, Erica Schoenberg, Jean-Robert Bellande, Amir Vahedi, Young Phan, David Levy, JJ Liu, David Daneshgar, Mark Gregorich, Kenna James, Shane Schleger, Marsha Waggoner, Kenny Tran, and Shawn Sheikhan. Actor Mekhi Phifer and NBA star Chris Mills will also be playing in the first public Dream Team Poker event as The Sole Survivors.

"Dream Team Poker offers a creative structure to team poker and we are proud to host this event in the World Series of Poker tournament room, which is also the site of NBC Heads Up Poker and daily poker tournaments," said Jim Pedulla, Director of the Poker Room at Caesars Palace.

More than 100 teams and 300 players are expected to play in the $500 + $50 per player Dream Team Poker tournament at Caesars Palace. Each player receives a VIP package including a special room rate at Caesars Palace, customized team jerseys, a private welcome party on Friday, March 27 and a trophy ceremony on Sunday, March 29.

To register for the Dream Team Poker Caesars Palace Las Vegas event and for more information on Dream Team Poker, please visit http://www.dreamteampoker.com.

About Dream Team Gaming

Dream Team Poker is a new "team-based" structure and scoring system for tournament poker. Dream Team Poker's patent-pending scoring system allows players to compete on an individual basis while getting scored as a team, giving each player better odds and chances to win money as they compete for individual and team prizes. Casinos benefit from Dream Team Poker's structure as players have new incentives to stay at the property after busting out, resulting in longer hotel reservations, more meals eaten at casino restaurants, and general increase on property, which generates more side play revenue.

Founded in 2007, Dream Team Poker is growing rapidly and licensing its tournament structure to many of the nation's largest and popular casinos. It is the first gaming product developed by Dream Team Gaming, a privately held company headquartered in Beverly Hills, CA. For more information, please visit www.dreamteampoker.com

Gophers Will (not) Win the 2009 NCAA Championship!

The great end of art is to strike the imagination with the power of a soul that refuses to admit defeat even in the midst of a collapsing world.

-- Friedrich Nietzsche

Smart guy.

The story has been swirling around my head now on my trips into the office, off to pre school classes with the daughter (who amazingly has chilled out as much as a near three year old can). Gonna let it settle in until the weekend when I have time to spend more then a few hours at home.

----

Bracket time.

Gopher vs. Longhorns and not one prop bet from April. She could pad herself with a Mookie buy-in easier when the Gophers lose by 22 then this CJ (no, not the newly married one) gets tips for proclaiming her customer that ITS THE BIGGEST I'VE EVER SEEN!

I don't know who pointed me in her direction, or f*** my life but its all the raunch comedy that's quasi-NSFW one needs in a day.

---

Thanks for the Vegas suggestions. Hofbrauhaus is also on the radar after remembering several folks headed over there from the WPBT Winter Classic. Beer and tightly dressed German ladies? I'll sign up for the free beer.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

HORSE-ing Around

Wisconsin. Live like you mean it!

Shouldn't the state slogan be: Drink like you mean it!

I'm sure StB would agree.

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Bombed the Skillz game horribly. Won a PLO8 SnG to cover all St. Patty's Day amateur night antics. Enjoyed the contortions of Japan's and Korea's picture go into to release a baseball (Darvish will be the next Dice-K, note it early and often).

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Sounds of the week: Was able to hear my daughter's explaination of how her flower bed sheets are far superior to Wyatt's Optimius Prime laden ones. She didn't have to repeat it three times, no frustration out of both us at 5am, end result was a toddler being calm enough to get re-tucked in thirty minutes later and going back to sleep.

More of this please.

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In light of the upcoming trek to Las Vegas, I'm sending a call to any of you who have visited that city. Anyone?

No?

Ok, IF you would go to such a place and couldn't run around collecting stripper dust, hangovers, and gambling markers and wanted to do Vegas-lite do you have any suggestions?

Here's the list the spouse and I thought of barring Rhino or Olympic Gardens having a tucked away short-term day care center (for the single moms on stage!):

Bellagio-conservatory and fountains

Caesars-fountain show

Fremont street experience

M & M World/Game works

Mirage- volcano, secret gardens and dolphin habitat

Flamingo- wildlife habitat

Sirens of TI

MGM lion habitat

Circus Circus- circus acts

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Wall of Regret

Ah, the day when everyone proclaims their 1/16th Irish heritage as an excuse to drink green beer and Jameson with the sloshed masses at the local Irish pub while downing some bangers and mash. I'm a whole 1/4th Irish and sporting the clover leaf boxers ready to get my cheer for Eire!

Some people are hoisting their spiked shamrock shakes in Uruguay (sadly I had to look up the spelling this morning). Geography. Not my strongest subject.

Others are in the eye of the drunken storm and will most likely hitting up Irish Kevin’s this morning, afternoon, and evening. If I may make a suggestion, you should watch the agile (and not to mention completely hot) bottle slinging waitress video.

Rock on Al, hope you get everything you want in paradise.

---

Ok, I’ve trying desperately to get this story out of my head and on paper but it’s a mix of past feelings, block, and no clue as to why I can have it half written in air but can’t place it on Times New Roman size 12 font. It’s for a friend (sounds like the Phish concerts rocked!) and he can do whatever he wants with it, as I’m forever graceful for his help with bringing my daughter wails for her extra blankets at five a.m. much much closer :)

There’s no delusion that the person who “writes” here is a “writer”. I blog. I have zero schooling and even less functional sentence structure that makes even the most liberal Freshman Comp professor cringe with every letter here.

But, I want to try.

Here’s the beginning that I can’t quite nail down, and I think once I get past it the rest of the short story will flow:

Many people sport a scar.

That scar could be four inch gash on their face from that bad car accident when your buddy had the great idea that shooting car bombs until two a.m. with the townies, well after the softball team took off for their awaiting families, and ended with turning your 1999 Honda Prelude into the letter U on I-494 with a trooper shaking his perfectly starched hat at your stupidity.

Holding a firecracker long enough to qualify for a Darwin Award. Caught mounting the high school junior next door neighbor listening to Blink 182 when the wife came home early from the gym working off her mid-section to get back into bikini shape after producing your second offspring, and she applied a Ginsu to your back while trying to go a second round with the young three-sport star.

Other scars are not seen. In my life, the proclamation of having one regret rings true, and the reminder of that scar burns with every trip to the office. My scar is buried under six feet of solid Nordic dirt and ice, among the mass headstones there’s a grave marked with her name that has not been seen by these eyes. Coward. Not getting the balls to take a simple right on 85th Ave. into the small plot of land for the dead to let 17 years of regret spill out.

Survivor questions have pelted me since the day a letter from her mother arrived at the ASU campus with a Denver newspaper clipping with her face down on the pavement as a result of an attempt to recreate a Hawaiian cliffdiver’s form off a five story parking ramp.

---

This is where I’ll stop and try to get the rest of the story out because it would mean a lot to me to do so.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Want But Don't Want

You have plans.

Line up a nice mix of relaxation and work, time with the kids, and a few beers with the guys.

Your own cocoon of perfect time away from your cube.

Then you got married and brought a woman into your life.

She brings a new way of thinking. OHHHHHHHHHHH SALE LETS GO!

"But honey, that's a great idea and I'm sure that would be fun...." doesn't work, just makes her more determined.

Throwing excuses at her is like Jim Cramer showing up on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Its a fruitless exercise in debating when you're a toothpick trying to hold up a 15 foot ocean wave.

Personally, I feel like I'm letting people down by not being able to do all the work that I wanted but after the wife spent several hours over the past week looking up flights and hotels for Vegas, I've given up on the deflection techniques I learned at the Miyagi-do karate dojo.

No amount of wax-on wax-off will get my Elizabeth Shue to see this as a "non-optimal" idea. See: last time I went to Vegas with her

"But, this time we're bringing the boy" (yes we have two children, and no the daughter will not be on a plane until Obama is retiring to his estate in Illinois)

Ever wonder when those marital test come up in your relationship with the wife/husband/kids? This is going to be one of them for me. People might be saying "but but but its VEGAS!!!". Yes, its Vegas but is it a place for a five year old who has a greater affinity for blinking lights then his father and can't go throw a twenty into the Star Trek slots?

This is true, my favorite city, my vices, shouting PAI GOW at 4am, "something to look forward to". But I put responsiblity first in my life. I'm a good boy (for the most part) and having to delegate those responsiblities out, hurts (a HUGE thanks to Spaceman for helping me). I want to show I'm realiable yet here I am agreeing to a trip.

Sigh. Anyone have an answer?

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Side note: Gophers don't deserve to dance. Period.

Happy they're in? No.

Will I wear my gopher colors while they're on? Of course, I am still a fan.

It shows the selection committee looked at Tubby's name on the big screen and knew they'd get ratings. That's it. Texas will beat them 45-32 (no that's not a halftime score). If you want Big 10 basketball in the tourney, you're going to get low scoring games (read: booooooooooooooring)that are dominated by defense with one exception (see: Michigan State).

The Spartans have a shot, maybe Purdue, but if you're filling out a bracket, get rid of those midwest teams immediately if not sooner.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to check out another site for flight times.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Weekend Update

If you ever wanted to feel whiter then white on the dance floor, take an Strike! class at your local gym and surround yourself in ineptitude to stay with the rhythm while encased by good looking sweaty women.

Ok, there's perks I suppose.

Enjoy your weekend, its my weekend "off" so I'll be tempted to take a bad beat or three in the BritBloggerment tomorrow as part of the BBT4 at Full Tilt, see you there if I don't collapse from my daughter's appearent need to stretch the noise capacity my new hearing aids can take on before the sound turns into something resembling a F-14 Tomcat doing a fly-by after shooting down Jester before the big volleyball game against IceMan.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Screech Powers Does Not Approve Of Your Weather


Something to warm up the people in this midwest region... the KFAN Babes Bracket!


Megan Fox vs. Kelly Kapowski (Battle of the Babes who Banged Brian Austin Green!!)
Yum. Hop the link to see more, even Keeley Hazell appears somewhere besides on the pages of Wicked Chops Poker
-2 temp this morning with a wind chill around instant car door freezing force a mere week from green beer time? Not fun, had to get the ski jacket and choppers back out of the closet after thinking they were retired for the season. Then I looked at my driver's license and remembered the state I live in.
Also not fun? Missing every semi-draw in last night's Skillz series PLO tourney for the BBT4 in a game I felt ok playing, and being out before the first break. Tis my luck in these things and the reason why I don't play more often.
Edit: Minnesota State High School hockey tourney starts today!! If you don't get the hype, then you're probably a Californian that thinks he/she understands the sport. SKOL Warroad!!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

See No Evil, Hear Some Evil

Thank you very much for all the comments yesterday. Yes, this has improved my daily life just mere days from getting these hearing aids. But, as Otis pointed out I tend to write to a specific audience sometimes (i.e. those who know the real meaning of being wheelchair drunk) when I should be thinking on a macro level. So, if you haven’t had the pleasure of meeting myself (you’re not missing out on much except probably strained neck if you’re not at least six foot tall) let me expound a little on the before and after of getting these ear amplifiers.

First, let me take you into the world of hearing loss.

/cue dream scene .wav


If you want a self-experiment of how someone with a significant hearing loss (not deafness, as that's a subject I hope to avoid) goes thru a normal day, take your good Bose or other noise canceling headphones and put them on for a good portion of the day or maybe a family dinner plus prepping the dinner. Sound should be muffled but not gone. The only way you know people are speaking to you, or understanding their voice is if they are facing you and you to them.

They embarrassed me in elementary school with a similar experiment with a spelling test given on a tape to my class with someone speaking with their hand over their mouth after 750ml of Mad Dog 20/20. I already hated the extra attention towards my disability yet these feel-good educators felt the need to shine the spotlight on something I learned to just live with. There were unheard taunts on the baseball field, hockey rink, and in the classroom. Maybe better that way versus growing up jaded towards those who didn’t wish to comprehend my lack of fluent conversation wasn’t due to inability to snipe off a joke or voice an opinion on Doc Gooden’s curveball being better then Clemens, but rather to not being able to hear the subject in the first place. This of course brings many cat claws on chalkboard moments when I would try to take three of 15 words in a conversation that I did hear and try to work off its context and end up talking about the Geography test versus coked and roided up pitchers.

And if I may, asking a chick in bed to repeat her passionate pleas four times in bed has the effect of trying to get off while wearing a bakers dozen box of Magnum condoms with a three inch dick after drinking all night. May have to ask the wife for some extensive experimentation on this point, and I’m all for the advancement of science and sex.

Now… with the bionic ears I hear 12 to 15 of those 15 words. Whispering no longer sounds like someone blowing air or Milli Vanilli attempting to wow an audience. Just this morning I listened in as my mom was telling Wyatt about making some of her semi-famous mouth watering oatmeal chocolate chip cookies this afternoon. She was whispering AND had her hand over her mouth, yet I caught it and got a bright smile on my son’s face when I told him to set a few aside for me.

Sure, its not foolproof, I still don’t have perfect hearing, and never will. There will still be times I miss something, but it pulls that sound closer and since this is a poker blog, these aids give me a +EV on whether or not I’ll hear the conversation in its entirety.

Best of the rest… if you have glasses with a strong enough prescription you see things but they’re distorted to the point that a naked Playboy centerfold standing 20 feet away might as well be Mama Cass. Sounds like a door shutting had a dull thud, versus the thud plus the click of the doorknob. A pen hitting the desk had no sharpness to its sound. If you’ve seen or read Stephen King’s: The Langoliers when the passengers are in the grey world where time had already past, and the pop was flat and the food had no taste, that is what sound was to me. There was no extra pop when I kissed my wife, no squeak of a new shoe on tile, no flavor to the speech I heard at the poker table while check-raising the G-Vegas crew this summer. Sure I could hear the southern twang, but the spice within the sound of Wes telling me about the Gamecocks and the history of Columbia or Shep describing these delicious homemade grits I could enjoy should I return to Greenville while at the Waffle House wasn’t there.

Upon my return to G-Vegas or Key West or Chicago or Vegas or home, those trips will have a little extra color to them now that my ears have been opened up to a new life. As stated its only been a few days and there are some adjustments to be made (all office visits are completely free for the life of the aids), and I’ll be keeping these new rose colored glasses for my ears because much like sex, once you’ve had a good time you’re going to want to have it all the time.

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If I may say something, while listening to Mike and Mike this morning on the commute in, the discussion was fighting in hockey. They were lauding over emails from CALIFORNIA with opinions on the subject.

Let’s get this straight. Hockey in California =! Real hockey

Would you ask my Nordic ass about volleyball? Despite playing the sport at a fairly high level for a while, my knowledge of the sport would be small compared to say a middle hitter from San Jose.

Leave hockey discussions to those who know who Don Cherry, Bobby Orr, the original six, and what near frostbite from outdoor practices feels like after trekking to the rink thru the snow with your skates hanging from your stick.

Monday, March 09, 2009

Kids Speak

This weekends was a continuation of the eye-opening or more to the point eye-opening of leaving the doctor’s office Friday afternoon and hearing snow crunching under a foot, or the car signal making an extra noise.

If you consider yourself a parent, uncle, aunt, or been around any child and watch them drink lemon juice for the first time, or crawl up to a light switch and saw the amazement in their eyes of the flickering bulbs. That’s similar to what the last few days have been for myself. The sounds of my kids’ toys go off previously unheard, watching TV without closed captioning (this isn’t perfect as I still can’t catch everything but get the gist of things now), and best thing so far is understanding my kids.

Granted the comprehension stretches only to the broken third-person narrative English my daughter uses and we’re not discussing the ramifications of the 26th bailout of AIG or if Obama will have the United States sliding into Socialism by the next decade. Instead much more important issues like her favorite hat being in the wash or that she’s missing her rainbow Care Bear. Instead of a zombie-ish nod of faux understanding, I can actually reassure her a Coast Guard search is currently underway for her lost stuffed animal and her mom will have the pink hat with little ruffly ball and stitched flower on top will be Tide with Fresh Scent clean upon returning home for pork chops and roasted garlic mashed potatoes this evening.

Personal importance has a scale and my kids come first before overly greedy insurance companies taking risk on bad mortgages then passing the buck like a lazy employee when the gamble didn’t work out.

Speaking of insurance companies, why do you cover eye glasses, leg braces, crutches, but not hearing aids? Is there a reason why the gift of hearing is only allotted to those who can manage to pool enough money to buy these devices? Or pay for the $50,000+ cochlear implants versus a potential solution costing 10% of that amount and has a much lower maintenance fee, not to mention zero potential for deafness? Are your actuaries asleep at the fiscal wheel?

Its sad that I could have opted to have this elaborate surgery and received 100% coverage versus a piece of plastic that would restore most of hearing and paid the whole (less of course my more then generous friends across the internets and at home) way.

While I would have opted for this much earlier if cost wasn’t an issue, the point is a person with a hearing problem shouldn’t have to. My hearing issue isn’t because I sat next to a tower of speakers at an outdoor Metallica concert for the entire three hours rocking to "Trapped Under Ice", I was born this way. Insurance companies pay for the treatment of an obese smoker’s fifth heart surgery because he just couldn’t stay away from shoving 15 White Castle sliders down his gullet while chain smoking Marlboro Reds but won’t chip in for a person to be able to understand his child/grandchild’s plea to be tucked in at night with a repeat of Dora's adventure to the zoo?

Sad priorities.

Lucky for me, there’s people out there that went above and beyond friendship and now my daily life has been improved because of it. If I was the religious type I'd shout out a "bless you", but instead I'll promise a drink, a handshake, and most likely a better conversation the next time I see you.

Peace.

Sunday, March 08, 2009

Many Sounds of Win

While the poker eyes this weekend are on Caesar's Palace in Vegas for the National Heads-up Poker Championship put on by NBC...

Spoilers for Semis found here at Poker News Daily (two Team PokerStars Pros in one match, the other will pit a WSOP Main Event champ and Full Tilt pro versus a PLO expert)

I'm still tinkering with the controls as somethings like loud glass tinkling (another new sound) is coming through like deathly sharp shards hitting my head after a few beer pong matches. Ok, that could be the added effect of mixing good beer with Mich Golden Light while destroying the field in my brother's garage Saturday night.

Luckily a simple trip to the office (which is free as all adjustments are for the life of the aids) and they can tweak the volume (the right ear seems a tad "off") and types of sounds that filter thru. Currently, people's voices in an immediate area come thru the aid amplified louder then say silverware hitting a plate at a table 15 feet away.

Very neat.

State law gives me 45 days to fully a decision on whether to keep the aids or pay $250 as a "molding and setting" fee (and if I was 18 or younger those aids would be free in Minnesota thanks to
62Q.675 if your parents have health insurance). Right now the decision might be made by the end of the week in favor for hearing more things like my daughter's foot steps on the floor at Target.

If you're up tonight I'll be covering the Sunday Warm-up at the PokerStarsBlog. Gracias to all friends, family, readers, and people coming here for double penetration midget porn (actually you people frighten me and should go get that issue looked at).

Friday, March 06, 2009

First of Many

First sound.

Crinking paper.

Interesting concept.

I'll have more auditory enlightments after I figure out the controls on these things, but right now I'm going to "test" different environments like places they serve beer to see if I can overhear the townie drone on about how he missed being Osseo High School prom king in 1986 because his unibrow needed to get plucked at The Lookout and now proclaims to know the right time to hit up the #4 pull tab box for profit.

Enjoy your weekend and thank you all for bring the world a little closer to me.

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Chatting, Crying, and Truckin

A sad good-bye to Matt Birk. This move made about as much sense as signing Sage Rosenfels to the Vikes.

Sigh.

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Saw over 100 signed up for the first Mookie of the BBT4 last night. Rock on folks.

I had zero interest in joining despite getting back from running the kids around, going to the gym, and getting home in time to watch the Gopher's Men Basketball team play an exciting game against Stinkin' Badgers for the possible NCAA at large bid bubble burst. Well, exciting for Big Ten basketball as the score at halftime showed the leading scorer for BOTH teams was 6. I think the rim was in deep thought about filing charges for assault and battery.

Long live the barn.

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Also on a Full Tilt note, I penned a post for Al's "Poker From the Rail" describing those annoyingly funny three years olds who blow up in the chat boxes and have potential for increasing your bankroll because they can't handle the cards not falling in their favor *raises hand*.

Everyone has been guilty of a "Waffle-esque" rant. Maybe not to the point of describing the different garden tools he used to impregenate your sister and mother last night in a Motel 6, but if you haven't flipped out at the tables there's no base from to learn to control those emotions to build on.

Hop over here to the post.

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Now that you're done with amateur hour at the ACME Comedy Club, time for the real writers to line up.

Go get your Truckin on. Fair warning for gentlemen who can still get it up without chemicals from Pfizer, stay seated at work while reading Betty's red laced story. Wow.


March 2009, Vol. 8, Issue 3

Welcome back to the latest issue of Truckin'...

1. Lubbock's Own: Larry "the Laugher" Larson by Johnny Hughes

Large Mouth Maude Larson once beat a Hockley County man half to death at the Cotton Club with a bowling pin because she thought he stole her comb. Later, she found it in her purse, like all women do. She didn't feel a bit bad. The world-class bitch... More

2. A Good Beginning by Milton T. Burton

He bills himself as my best friend, but he's not. My best friend was a Kentucky farm boy who died in screaming agony in the Mekong Delta forty years earlier. But even aristocrats like to name-drop occasionally, and mine has been a good name to drop since not long after I came to the New York financial world out of a Cleveland blue color neighborhood by way of Vietnam decades ago... More

3. Happy Valentine's Day Tamara Johnson by Dave Peterson

I moved behind the door to investigate and possibly kill someone. I figured I was ready. The deadbolt lock was sprung with a soft – click. I heard keys jangling, a girl's voice laughing, and then the handle turned. I leveled the revolver and pulled the hammer back... More

4. Hunter Wellington by Betty Underground

Her comfort in her own skin surpasses societies modesty boundaries. It is just how she is. Most people come home from work and take off their shoes. She doesn't stop there, she takes off her pants and pulls her bra off through the sleeves of her t-shirt. Discarding them on the floor of the entrance. She prefers the freedom, and cares less about what others might think... More

5. Monroe by Paul McGuire

Monroe sat at the end of the bar on the last stool. He always did. He never left. The octogenarian arrived five minutes before O'Looney's opened and had to be carried out every night when one of his grandkids stopped by to pick him up... More

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Thanks For The Extra Sleep


I try to like these blogger series.


I do.


Watching some Quentin Tarantino flick with a lot of zombies and blood and Rose McGowan looking rather striking as an amputee with an assault rifle for a leg, I broke my word to play the Skillz Series Stud 8 game last night for the Full Tilt BBT4.


Messing with karma just means the exit will be a double penetration donkey dong fucking sans lube, and I bent over for the ride. Swimming with nary a hand bigger then two pair for an hour and half but managed to hold onto my starting stack, I grab hidden aces, get aces full by sixth, cap seventh only to see someone turn over quads.


Awesome.


If I wasn't in such a good mood from the new and improved relaxed home life, there might be a rant following these words. Instead, thanks for playing, appreciate getting five times the buy-in back on Stars due to a reverse cooler on the aptly named "uwillgetbroke", turned off the odd movie that I'll never watch again, grabbed the wife's firm ass and went to bed.
Call it a wash.
Better things like a free night at Treasure Island with free slot play tomorrow make for a happy degenerate since my hearing aids will be draining the majority of the fun money as of Friday at approximately 2:00pm CST. But those amplifiers will pay for themselves if the hot audiologist is to be believed, if anything to hear the inane chatter at a live poker table and my daughter speaking in the third person rants.






"Kyra is not happy with you daddy"

I'm sure many parents have figured out that their own attitudes trickle down to their kids'. Only now that the air at home has become more breathable since the smog of apathy has been HEPA filtered out, has this parent figured out how to enjoy his kids and his marriage again.

I reserve the right to change said shiny-happy-people attitude if I have to change another runny shit diaper in a family changing room at the pool while scooping up said remains that "missed" the toilet. Or until the next virtual cooler.

At least coolers don't smell like two-week old road kill.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Jay Cutler: You Are Wanted At Winter Park

More football talk...

Yesterday the KFAN lines blew up when free agent T.J. Houshman-I-cant-spell-the-rest-of-this-long-ass-name-that-barely-fits-on-an-NFL-jersey was reported to be getting wine-and-dined by Zigi and the rest of the Vikings brass. Dining which included going to Manny's which kick ass steaks should have kept him pinned down to our frozen ass state looking for a perfect compliment to Berrian. A decent route runner to Berrian's speed game, plus Purple Jesus floating across the turf at speeds that would stun Sonic the Hedgehog.

Even with Sage Rosenfels at the helm (grrrrrrrrr) this move made sense and would have boosted the one-sided offense into a multi-weapon arensal when coupled with a decent defense would have given this team NFC Championship/Super Bowl possiblities.

Instead. T.J. goes to Seattle. A 4-12 team. New coach. Wide receivers that fall like outdoor dominos in monsoon season. He could have come to a team that is Super Bowl ready and settles for a few extra millions to be the best player on the house team. If someone with a half-way rational NFL brain can tell me a different reason then the money please do so. Don't some athletes still want to win versus being able to afford that ninth Bentley and strippers on-call in ever NFL city? Finally gets a chance to get out of Ocho Sucko's shadow and settles to try to eclipse Jerry Rice's massive Seahawks receiving totals.

Now... rumor mills are up about possible Cutler to Vikes due to the middle finger the Broncos gave the all-pro 25 year old with a possible 3-way trade with the Chiefs and Bucs.

Get him here Zigi, I suggest the Porterhouse and loaded baked potato. Maybe drop by Schieks for the afternoon shift for cuban stogies and the champagne room, whatever, this team needs a captain with talent not spry corporal with spunk.

Jay, you're wanted here.

---


In online poker talk.

The BBT4 kicked off this weekend with the Big Game and Brit Bloggerment. I jumped into the shallow end as I don't have much cash left on Full Tilt, and "played" in the Bloggerment. QQ vs. AKo, A9o vs. KQ in consecutive hands after scrapping by with bad cards (minus one AA which I slowplayed to the opposite of positive EV) before the 1st break and out.

Not fun. I do not want to get burnt out before this thing even starts so unless the skillz game tonight is Omaha or HORSE, I'll be a cheerleader this week.

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Friday is the new day for my new ears if the doctors don't decide to pull another auditory cocktease.

I may even pop on for a rare weekend post as my brother is throwing a beer pong tourney just one week after ankle surgery. The man is an alcoholic warrior of solid nordic ilk and shall scream for Valhalla with every cup sunk despite the full leg cast and painkillers. Plus, I'll be able to test my bionic ears in a room filled with drunken yelling and taunts that I'll be able to mirror back now that I should be able to hear them.

Monday, March 02, 2009

Still Unable To Hold It Longer Then 30 Seconds

Wanted to start off Monday with a post my new Lee Major's-esque hearing but unfortunately I drove through some of the shittiest road conditions this winter to get to the doctor's office on Thursday to get met with:

"Sorry they're not ready yet".

We live of course in 2009 where electronic devices allow us to pass sound waves between two points without resorting to pony express or being able to read morse code. The office neglicted to use such wonderous technology and I was left with a need for pended up relief better left for a man who uses two lavender silk pillows for jacking off while watching Rachael Ray on the Food Network.

So, I wait until this Friday.

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Ok, someone explain how the Vikes do this on Friday and sign Rosenfels (which I'll rant about later, seriously WTF Zigi?).

And now there's blogs and media outlets spewing out these talks about Jay Cutler possibly coming here (please, please, please, please)?!?!