(AP) Limpson, MS --- January, 5th 2011
The homemaker of six sits quietly on her wrangled porch. White paint peels from cracks within the wood as screening hangs in certain places that show years of neglect. "I've been meanin' to fix that up, and was already to have Hank down at Ace hardware do so but... but..." says the defeated Mrs. Homestead who couldn't bear to finish the sentence.
She will spend the next days of her life wondering what went wrong, was it punishment from God for tossing her fourth child in front of a Ford 150 that dodged the little boy at the last moment to "knock some sense into him" after she found her cookie jar depleted of $1.56, today was supposed to be a day of redemption as her as her husband Bobby Joe who lays prone on the couch watching informerials smelling like a mix of raw eggs and Jack Daniels mumbling something about needing a sandwich and a Slap Chop.
"This was supposed to be the best day of my life, but those fancy folks on the TV FAILED TO PICK MY NUMBERS!" Gayle exclaimed
Yes, millions of sad stories like Mrs. Homestead will start pouring out today from the far reaches of the Catskill Mountains, to Tijuana, Mexico where you can find cheap ornaments like severed heads while entering the city, to the celebrations of THE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY's silented victory party once the coaches, players, and fans found out they too had losing lottery tickets while winning a useless college football bowl game. All saddened by the fact they will not be able to dance the dougie wearing ass-less chaps on their boss' desk this morning.
The $355 Million from the Mega Millions went to two tickets in Idaho and Washington when we told Mrs. Homestead about this she could utter a "fuck that shit" and headed back to porch swing with a pack of Newports and a fifth of Mad Dog 20/20 awaiting her to help cope with this solemn day.