Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Passing Go, Collecting 2008

As I move with the rest of the world from Microsoft Word 2003 to Microsoft Word 2007 and the massive new icons that could be confused with a World of Warcraft interface. If I kill anyone during these typed words accidentally using some kind of Ice Lance/Dragon’s Breath combo, blame Bill Gates.

2008.

Many things done, many more to do. There’s bemoaning that 2008 brought nothing but stress and extra creases to people’s foreheads. Sure, with the daughter taking the terrible twos to a level probably seen by a few readers here, it has been a daily struggle to keep up her energy and defiance. But how could you be mad at a face like this:






I struggle to keep a straight face with every "no!" and "I don't do that!" but the parenting suit requires some kind of instillation of order and discipline into her life in case her aspirations in life wish to go further then flipping burgers at McDonald’s.

The boy also gives some trying days but those seem to melt into the week more often as he’s learning the invisible boundaries of mom and dad. My hopes remain that he finds whatever he’s looking for in life and enjoys growing up (but not too quickly). So far he’s following the same path as old man with a love for video games and detest forming the perfect Q or attempts to draw a snowman that looks something different then a metal chain link with a top hat.






I asked my wife for one thing this Christmas, it carries no price tag in the monetary sense but the worth for our marriage is immeasurable. No person should have to give up living and as someone who took five years of his life staring at a blank wall with little reason to lift up the covers in the morning. There are hints that she’s ready to live again, breaking away from the shells of depression and self-doubt with every victory on Scramble and smile after a spilt glass of milk. Being a parent doesn’t have an all-encompassing guidebook for dealing with a sullen husband one second and cleaning up a potty training daughter the next. I’d like my wife back as I have missed her dearly.

As for me, I just had a few requests.

Still have fun. Trips to Chicago, Philly, and of course Vegas help to recharge the batteries with friends I wish we’re a little more accessible then via Northwest Airlines. This year should be no different, anyone up for bar games prop bets?

Be a better husband. Give space. Give hugs. Give encouragement. Give myself.

Learn more. Rosetta Stone, you’re going to get a new customer, habla taco y salsa? I don’t want to show up the genius that came up with that salmon spread at Bouchon’s, but I’d like to progress beyond ripping open some plastic and setting the microwave to 1:45 and remembering to turn over the nuggets half way through.

Poker. I lost my keepyourpokerface.com gig (thank you Google!) but gained a big one when Otis gave me a great opportunity at the PokerStarsBlog and my hopes are people enjoy reading those recaps and live blogs. I realize this isn’t a permanent, career changing gig, but I’ve never been happier that someone had the confidence to take a shot with me. Much like the friendships found thru this silly card game, I hope to ride out the job like a mechanical bull in Key West and hold on for all its worth regardless of possible bruised inner thighs.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Hit and Missed

Should feel good about the Vikes winning.

Don't.

Was promising to see T-Jack negotiate a winning drive after being unable to shake off the Giants' JV team in the second half.

Congrats to those who monied in Pauly's pick em' pool. I was in the running late but thanks to the Cowboys eating too many cheesesteaks prior to the game I'll just applaud the victors instead.

Time to work hard for the next six-seven hours at the PokerStarsBlog then I'm officially on vacation for the next week.

Ciao.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Snowflake Dreams

The temperature didn’t have a second digit in front of it, nor did it have a minus sign behind it. The wind blew softly enough to tickle versus removing layers of skin as it blew from East to West. The snow had a Select Comfort feel to it without the $1,500 buttons to adjust firmness. For a fraction of the cost, extra white stuff could be packed in by two eager kids bundled up to enjoy the Minnesota winter.

Sledding, the first snowball which disappeared mid-flight due to fluffiness, the first snow tunnel since the accumulation was now deep enough to warrant such architectural creations. A quiet five minutes looking straight up at the bottomless blue sky allowed the stress of the holiday to seep right into my newly formed mattress of snowflakes.

The holidays used to mean to me presents, more presents, and stuffing yourself silly with cookies that were carefully baked over the course of two weeks. Now, it’s about observing, giving, and sitting on the couch with a decent brew or drink (hot apple cider plus Captain Morgan = win). Watching the kids emulate their best Wolverine moves against my wife’s best Christmas present wrapping jobs finally brought a quick smile to my face in what has been a struggle to keep my sanity. The robot, the video game, the Barbie three-wheeled scooter so the two of them could collect asphalt burns at the same time brought .2 seconds of glee from their faces followed by “where’s my next present?!?!”. My wife got a present from the kids, as she got mad at the idea of present from me since we agreed not to exchange gifts (due to purchasing a certain TV in the last picture in this post) and she’ll be getting her hair done at the kids’ expense*. Me? I asked my wife for something that carries no monetary value and something that cannot be given at any one time. It’s something I have hoped for a long time and something that will hopefully come sooner then later.

Then as the day came to a close, the leftover brown sugar coated bacon-weenie wraps and other nutritionally sound food were put away, the newly acquired popcorn popper got its first test run.

Two Academy Award winning features were put up on the Christmas gift me and the wife chose a few weeks ago. Ok, it was Tom and Jerry in The Cat Concerto (1946) and The Little Orphan (1948). By the time the Interpol warnings of piracy came in French after the first picture, three people had to be stirred from their slumber to close the books on another holiday season.

Since I wasn’t available yesterday to give a holiday shout out. Merry Christmas/Happy Boxing Day to all my friends who read here. Know that you are a big reason why there’s a smile on my face this morning despite being surrounded by four walls of work this morning.

* not really, but they paid .05% of it and let their mother know it

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Big Weekend of Record Breaking at PokerStars

More personal post to come later (if I don't hit the almond bark pretzels and mass quantities of beer I have stored up for this weekend).

Here's a lead in for those hitting up the tables this weekend at PokerStars, looks to be some either massive fields or massive overlays, either way big money is there:

POKERSTARS ENDS 2008 WITH A WORLD RECORD-BREAKING WEEK
London, (UK), DECEMBER 24, 2008 -

PokerStars will end 2008 with a massive'World Record Week' - giving players the chance to enter into the GuinnessBook of World Records when PokerStars try and break their second Guinness World Record of 2008.

On December 28, 2008 at 3:30 EST, PokerStars will invite as many as 35,000 players to help them attempt to break the World Record for the 'LargestOnline Poker Tournament', which currently stands at 26,517 players*.

PokerStars broke the Guinness Book of World Record for 'The Most Players toSimultaneously Play Poker Online' which PokerStars previously set at 151,758 on Sunday December 30, 2007. They hit 213,000 players on Sunday November 30,2008.The World Record attempt tournament is accessible to all players, with the buy-in at $11 and a guaranteed $500,000 prize pool.

The Guinness WorldRecord Attempt tournament can be found under the Tourney > Special tab in the PokerStars game lobby.To add to the excitement for players, PokerStars will also be hosting a series of fantastic tournaments and cash giveaways in the final week of 2008.

To celebrate the end of an incredible year they are raising theguarantee on their world famous Sunday Million tournament to $2,500,000,making it the largest ever PokerStars Sunday Million guaranteed prize pool.

The tournament takes place on Sunday December 28, 2008 at 16:30 ET.

They will also be guaranteeing a massive $1,000,000 prize pool for theSunday Warm-up which starts at 12:45 ET on December 28, 2008. Extra FPPqualifiers for the 'World Record Week' Sunday Million tournament will alsobe running - meaning all PokerStars players have the chance to end 2008 on a high.

For more information on the PokerStars World Record Week and a fulldescription of all the tournaments and cash giveaways, players should checkthe PokerStars website, blog and games lobby over the coming few days.

*PokerStars own unofficial record

About www.pokerstars.net:PokerStars is the world's largest poker room with over 16 million members worldwide, and more free-to-play tables than any other site. At PokerStars.net players learn how to play, and practice poker skills for free.

As the premier destination for the top players, with numerous tournaments running every day, PokerStars is renowned for offering the bestsoftware and security in the online poker world. PokerStars:* Has dealt over 23 billion hands* Has run more than 100 million poker tournaments* Have had over 213,000 simultaneous players, and entered the Guinness Book of World Records as the first and only poker website to reach the 160,000 simultaneous players mark

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

This Just In: Packers Suck

After watching the Packer flop in the second half of the "let's-hand-the-Vikings-their-playoff-on-a-silver-plater" game last night I have one thing to say.

Packers suck.

Tonight, I will be curling up with a nice glass of Surly and not dusting off two ill-advised buy-ins by playing the usual low stakes games that make poker fun for me.

Or playing those addicting Facebook games Scramble and Pathwords.

Probably the later since it won't cost an iPod Touch when you spell the easy four letter word versus shouting a few of them after watching people win with eight high then you lose with the second nuts for a solid hour.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Crisco Belongs On Cookies Not Running Backs

That cringing reflex for a certain train wreck happens many times if you’re living a full life and not glued to watching the looped five hour weigh-in replay on Biggest Loser.

While at the bar during late night happy hour 2 for 1s and after downing a dozen JagBombs your friend leaves his TNT Trivia screen and $.25 wings for the first time since sitting down three hours ago to go hit on the busty blonde in the Adrian Peterson jersey (feel free to substitute the flavor-of-the-season sports gear in your area here) and purple leggings. With the suaveness of a guy who couldn’t even pick up a hooker, you gaze upon the impending rejection with horror but can’t stop watching.

All dressed in white, poker night buddies clothed to the nines with expensively rolled Cubans standing in a circle outside the Marriot chatting about their latest conquests. You nod and dip your cigar into the special edition Johnny Walker Blue while the groom has the biggest shit-eating grin on his face because there’s a bride inside that will give him what he’s been training for in his parent’s basement the last seven years with fuzzy porn and a found bottle of Astroglide. Unfortunately for that usually sober cab friend, he decided on the wrong night to rock his inner alcoholic and get wheelchair drunk as his stories about the virginally dressed bride steer from Readers Digest to Penthouse Letter-of-the-Month and you suddenly see the blushing bride’s face within an earshot go from pink to volcano red.

Yesterday if you’re a Vikings fan after the first fumble you knew the team would go the way of whiskey dick and end up sitting in the stands holding that $250 two-piece lingerie set from Fredrick’s of Hollywood wondering what could have been. No morning touchdown dance, just a cold floor hangover from a game that died due to the Crisco greased hands of several Vikings yesterday, including the savior, Purple Jesus. Instead of going into a meaningless game in the dome next week against the Giants’ JV team; they’re most likely playing for the NFC North title after the limp goudaheads trot out against a Bears team still fighting for that playoff spot.

Go Pack? If The Wife is reading, I’ll be rocking the Packers t-shirt and hat tonight for all its worth.

The present train wreck is watching that once beautifully dressed wife eight years ago when your ring went on her finger, entered the cold porch that has a space heater working overtime due to the -20 windchills blowing thru the area. She has “that look” on her face like you just got caught nailing Deandra on a massage table while eating the last chocolate chip cookie and holding the garbage she told you to bring out an hour ago. This male has no idea what sort of injustice to humanity he just committed except that he missed the very important third replay of the recent touchdown and his drink is getting dangerously low.

Any tips on how to avoid, defend, or deflect this gaze of death?

---

I glanced at the WBCOOP results yesterday but had no clue who the first six people on the list were, but will give a shout out to our favorite radio host, Buddy Dank, on his 12 place finish. Stars did a great job limiting the fields and improving the structure to lean towards overall poker knowledge versus the NL Hold Em’ push donks, but those start times limited this blogger to participating in only one qualifying event. Maybe next year.

---

Pauly’s Pub pool on ESPN.com? I made my move on Sunday, I am Tiger Woods. Fear the Drizz. I want the double win or at least a call from Daddy where we’ll chat about the proper sausage length, width, and spiciness to introduce a new woman according to type of panties worn.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Vikes, Dirty Birds, WBCOOP

Hit up the live blog of the World Blogger Championship of Online Poker today. See G-Rob go out with 5 hi trying to bluff someone off a Royal Flush.

Take your mind off the Pats Fanbois taking to the Buzzsaw Cardinals at the moment and await the arrival of the Purple Jesus later this afternoon.

One time? Please. Vikes fans need a little love here. Over/Under on 1998 NFC Championship Game highlights shown is set at 6. I'll be enjoying my usual with hopes that T-Jack maintains his Randall Cunningham-ish performances as of late.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Serve It Up: Boris Becker Battleship Poker at the PCA

Sadly, I've struck out in my $2 satellite for the PCA, but four players will be living it up in paradise for some Battleship poker with the tennis legend.
POKER CHALLENGE AT PCA
Qualifiers Will Travel to The Bahamas to Play in Heads-Up Match with the Tennis Legend

Paradise Island, Bahamas – December 18, 2008 – Six time Grand Slam winner Boris Becker will face off against four North American PokerStars qualifiers in a heads-up Battleship-style match during the 2009 PokerStars Caribbean Adventure (PCA) at the Atlantis Paradise Island Hotel and Casino in The Bahamas. The seven online qualifiers will play Becker for a seat to the 2009 PCA Main Event being held from January 5-10, 2009.

Battleship Poker made its debut at PCA in 2006, and this year four North American PokerStars qualifiers won their chance to compete against Becker heads-up for a seat to the main event. Anderson, 23, played in free daily and weekly “Battle Boris” tournaments and progressed his way to the weekly finals all the way to the Grand Final for the chance to play Becker in the Bahamas.

Battleship-style poker is where two players compete in heads-up poker sitting across from one another. The catch is that, although they are playing live, the game itself is played online at PokerStars.net, and the players have two laptops back to back. The other three North American qualifiers include Itsik Oknin of Ottawa, Canada, Joshua Miloy of Oley, PA, Keith Anderson and Michel Dion of Quebec, Canada.

““Battleship poker gives you all the fast play luxuries of online poker, but also allows you to look your opponent in the eye,” said Becker. “It’s an exciting game to play and I’m really looking forward to competing against these players.”
The second largest tournament in North America, PCA has a buy-in of $10,000 and occurs every January. Every year, the PokerStars Caribbean Adventure brings together the world’s top players to compete for huge cash prizes.

For more information about the PokerStars Caribbean Adventure, please visit http://www.pokerstars.com/caribbean-adventure/

Clean Up Aisle Nine

Today I was intent on bullet pointing another "successful" WPBT Winter Classic trip to Vegas.

Instead I...

  • Showed up at the in-store Target health clinic right after work to receive word that my daughter's ear is fine and there's no infection. While carrying the boy two steps out of the small clinic he decides to unleash a furious puking show unseen since the pie eating scene in Stand By Me
  • Got home, cleaned up the remaining vomit, daughter decided for the rest of the evening that I was not her favorite sperm donator in the world and proceeded to resist bedtime pleas for over an hour with Thor-like hammer wailings against her door/wall/dresser/house. Headache at Defcon 5.
  • Played the Mookie, got a big stack, lost one big suckout which would have allowed me to coast, then proceeded to get pummeled by the short stack card rack sitting to my right on five different all-ins for him, bubbled in 9th
  • Played the WBCOOP at Stars for the only event I would be home for. Luck was on my side as the game was PLO8 (was feeling good F-Train, congrats on the finish). Luck was not on my side when 40 spots to the main event ticket, someone decided 89TJ rainbow was a shove worthy hand versus my obvious connected AAXX when I 3-bet him and he still had plenty of chips to fold and wait for another hand, he hits two pair, I do not recover nor receive a ticket.
  • This morning I attempt to get the one thing that makes me happy right below a wake-up blow job, a nicely crafted hot chocolate. The vending machine $.75 stuff kicks much ass for despite its three quarter cost, but today it spat out dirty hot water instead. I contempated getting my softball bat from my car at this point to unleash the fury at this ineptitude with a swift home swing that would make A-Rod jealous.
  • In the continued search for a hot chocolate I bit the .45 calber bullet and attempted the vapid Starbuck route of obtaining my liquid sunshine. Overpaid for warm Nestle Quik in a fancy loco'd cup. Mix that in with what I lost in Vegas, plus the wonderful cold shoulders at home I may need a padded room very soon.

If there's a news story coming from KARE11.com about a man running down Hwy. 610 with a Starbucks cup in one hand, softball bat in the other singing "Bicycle Race" please call my wife to come pick me up.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

A Taste of the High Life

Walking down the hallways of the void after spending 20 hours of a 24 hour day in the mist of carnival lights, exposed flesh, and the money vacuum of the roulette tables it dawns on a person “why did I come again?”.

Vegas separates a person from life for a few minutes, a hour, a day, a week, depending on the degeneracy level of the person buying the rights to a bed for the weekend. Most are better off not over thinking with thoughts of what happened in this room with the Geisha Bar regulars last weekend and just think of it as a temporary domicile to rest their rum-soaked heads.

Why does Vegas entice a suburban father of two to make a trip out west, knowing full well illness, hangover, and a lighter wallet are a near certainty? If you offered someone a baseball bat to the head while injecting their right arm with a nasty flu strain and pocket that money clip found in his right pocket, most people would lean to pass on such things.

Me? I welcome it.

Because for three/four days a year there’s no wake up call, no schedule, no limits. All my vices are allowed to run rampant up and down Las Vegas Boulevard and come back to a loving family refreshed mentally. That’s half of the trip, the half that makes the journey worth it was found at Bouchon’s, the Geisha Bar, the EBay slots, a quick conversation in the MGM Sportsbook bar, hoisting mini-boots of SoCo, and can’t-barely-bet-and-desperately-need-water early morning Pai Gow games.

The WPBT group, or whatever the associated group-think name is currently, they push away Vegas’ curtain of fake DDs and fake sincerity enough to make the trip a sure bet. My weekend was filled once again with laughter, a lighter wallet, and even more memories of the people I’m honored to call friends.

With each trip I take away something new, this time it was fine dining. There were eight seated at the “causal” French bistro of Bouchon’s at the Venetian. To the middle-lower working class guy with the speech problems, I didn’t have to try to “fit-in” thanks to the other seven. There was no stigma of high schoolish cliché where something brilliant and worthy of a successful stand-up comedian needed to exit my Minnesotan accented mouth to feel accepted.

The dinner started with a wonderful Sam Smith Nut Brown which was actually under priced at $8 as our group took up the bar area to check out the menu of wines that included an entire page of fermented grapes that could be purchased at $1,000+ a bottle. The table was then set out for Speaker and his girlfriend Angelique, Bobby Bracelet and Elizabeth, BG, and the G+G Makeout Factory minus Garth’s googles.

Hotties all around, and even the ladies were attractive.

Menus? Wrapped around the napkin. I already knew the Steak Frites were my target for the evening but was secretly hoping to expand a bit on my corn dog/pizza/chicken strips palate and try something new. There were a lot of new. Starting with a leafy salad with vinaigrette and a white crown shaped deal on the side. Goat cheese. Being a solid Midwestern hick, goat cheese isn’t something that I’ve thrown on a triple bacon cheeseburger with BBQ sauce. That may change: rich, smooth, and made the salad into a meal. Meanwhile Speaker picked the Rillette aux Deux Saumons which is French for Fuckin Good Salmon spread. Hopefully Speaker will have the full description on how it was made but there was butter, and more butter, with a side of butter that knocked it out of the park.

Next was the wine selection by the brothers, and they came through with a flourish. Three bottles were consumed by the table, and despite putting a stop of alcoholic binging several hours earlier, my head was lump of red-tinted bread dough just off a few glasses by the end of the evening.

Frites, lots of frites soon showered the table as the main courses made their way to our table. The steak did not disappoint, carmelized shallots (again first taste for me) braised the top of my meat and made each bite better then the last. The ladies found their way into Mussels which to me were something I’ve only seen on a boat after getting out of the lake while catching a few bottle bass and too much sun. Next time we might have to steam those puppies up, yum. On my right the better half of the G+G Makeout Factory had this dish that looked like a rounded mini-muffin pan while smells that tickled the only one my five senses that actually works to its fullest.

These little escarole were soaked in butter and garlic with a flaky crust on top. Again, a first, again amazed. Dessert was politely refused, but the conversation was not, my only regret was not speaking up for the Nardi brothers to suggest another bottle of vino and continue time with old friends while making some ones.

The rest of the weekend will be touched in tomorrow’s post as this dinner was my new experience to a place I’ve visited many times but never seen this side of it, including the smoking hot women in outfits that six month of mortgage payments would make a down payment on their belts.

Freddy Mercury lives! Jared Allen sack dances! Drizz loses playing those goddamn slots again! Asshole at the IP Mixed Game!

See you tomorrow, right now I’m wagering a gallon of OJ against all the flu/cold crap my family and co-workers are desperate to pass on to me. The pathogens are winning damnit.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Last Breath of Cold Air

This is always the issue about heading off for the Winter Classic in Vegas: Too many places to go, too many people to see, but never before I check-in to some fleabag hotel...

.... except this time as soon as I hop off the plane there's three different venues to hit up!

First: Hard Rock Café to watch Sweet Sweet Pablo, Minty Fresh Gracie, Columbo, and of course AlCantHang (more tube sock girls, yes please) hitting up the Poker Jingle Charity tournament to benefit the leukemia and lymphoma society. Looks like a lot of Full Tilt and other "name" pros are hitting up this one, great chance to show your stuff and give cash to a worthy cause after check-raising Beth Shak into giving you a picture with her. Yum.

Second: The Pinball Hall of Fame. After checking my flight info, I might be too late for a pinball showdown with the blogfather and Rooster (KA-KAW!!!), but if you're already in Vegas like some fuckers today, hook up with Joaquin for a trip to show off your childhood ability to turn two dollars in quarters into an afternoon of entertainment or lunch money for the rest of the week (like some degenerates did by playing a buck a game with onlookers).

Third: Yardhouse. After at least one shot with he-who-turns-mush-into-viable-government-papers its off to this sizable brew pub that may or may not carry Miller Lite.

Fourth (I'm tired already): Meet up with cousin from Minnesota in Vegas (who will probably be the other person wearing shorts tomorrow in Vegas), maybe see if he'd like to view the maddness of the blogger MGM Mixed Game first hand and knock over my tower of chips before a certain princesses and an evil degenerate who gives back rubs just to get you to call that river check-raise do so.

After all that I'll need a wheelchair ride from something other then stupidly pouring a bottle of Bacardi 151 down my throat.

---

I always wondered why the gentle folks at Kissing Suzy Kolber were so mean to one Peter King of SI...

"I think despite seven viable MVP canadiates in the NFL right now you have to go with Peyton Manning".

This spew from one Peter King was heard by me (and all the glory of my half-deaf ears) while driving over the last frozen bridge to work while listening to Mike and Mike (which is surprising good imo) heading into hours of nailbiting suspense till I hit the McCarren taramac tomorrow afternoon.

Good god Mr. King, I've had Peyton on my fantasy team (selected first round) all season and have been starting Aaron Rodgers (giving myself 10 lashes to my back each week for a Packer on my squad) every week except the last one. Why? Does one have to dredge up that abomination of a game against the Browns where completing a forward pass seemed as unlikely as Britney Spears heading off to Oslo to pick up her third Nobel Prize for Literature.

I don't see the Colts Quarterback (despite their late run towards the playoffs) jumping off the page as "Most Valuable". Maybe most likely to appear in the next commerical type prop bet while watching football at the MGM on Sunday, but nothing measty about his efforts this year.

Nothing about his season jumps out and says "HE'S THE MAN!". Brenda Warner's porcupine hair wants to have a word with you.

---

See you tomorrow folks! And to those already there, keep an eye on the shifty Cheesehead StB to leave some Captain for me at the Geisha Bar.

Peace.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

888 Poker

Poker players always have their own preference. They like their tables, their companies, their terms of service and the people the play with at certain sites. Party poker has its offers, poker stars has its advantages and of course trailing close behind is pacific poker.

Only in the last ten years or so has online poker taken off so drastically. In the 80’s I’m sure no one heard of Poker being played at a computer desk. No one would stay in to click the mouse and try to rack up a few quid, it was unheard of. Slowly in the mid to late 90’s did this start. P

eople even quit their jobs as they believe they can make a sufficient stipend on the makings of a few online poker tournaments a few nights a week. In my opinion, best of luck to them, I hope they become millionaires. We have all seen it happen – from 17$ buy ins straight to chairs at the WSOP big timers. It can be done.

Good luck to everyone, and don’t hate the player, hate the game!

More Then One Way to Tilt



Iggy, prepare to meet your match.

2 days.

Bring your prop bets folks, for the record the easiest money to take off me is in Video Games, Darts, Shuffleboard, Boxing, Pool, and of course *Arm-Wrestling. I'm just a little, meek and weak accounting cube dweller.

*I'm hoping no one took pictures/video while at Al's bash

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

LAPT - Mexico Update

Big update for those wondering about the aborted LAPT - Mexico from PokerStars:

Nuevo Vallarta, Mexico – December 9, 2009 -- PokerStars.net today announced that they will be offering a free roll on their site to all remaining players in the suspended LAPT Mexico event. The players will start with the same number of chips they had when the tournament was suspended and they will play down to the final table. The final nine will then be flown to the LAPT Vina del Mar in Chile, where they will finish the tournament live on a televised table.

“We know that many of our remaining players really wanted the opportunity to finish this tournament and earn their shot at an LAPT title” says Sarne Lightman, Director of Marketing for PokerStars Latin America. “Although the tournament was suspended and the prize money distributed, PokerStars still wants to offer their players this extra opportunity. PokerStars will also be adding $50,000 in prize money to the final table. “

PokerStars will be contacting all the players shortly with a choice of available times and dates for the free roll and will then schedule the time most convenient to most players.

Bodoggin With the Blogfather

Just because I haven't been able to play, doesn't mean I can't pimp. Good luck in the Bodoggie tonight with these extra prizes:

This week Bodog is offering online poker players the opportunity to knock out two poker blogger legacies in their Bodog Blogger Tournament Series.

Starting on Tuesday December 9th, a bounty will be placed on the head of Iggy, notoriously known as The Blogfather of Poker. Then, on Thursday December 11th, there will be a bounty on the head of Smokkee, the Bodog blogger tournament series host and the ONLY poker blogger to successfully seize his own bounty!

Both bounties are for T$109 to play in Bodog's $100,000 Guaranteed Poker Tournament that occurs each Sunday at 4 pm. With one of the biggest overlays in the industry, the value of this tournament is literally unbeatable. Whatever your skill set as a poker player, it's a perfect chance to win a fat cash payout.

So if you're an online poker player and you have a legitimate poker blog, you don't want to miss playing these tournaments! Download Bodog poker and register yourself at bodogbloggertournament.com

Good luck to all who participate and may the best poker blogger take the bullseye on these bounty player legacies!

Not Exactly Top Ten

That could have went better.

For my birthday I received a head butt, got peed on, stepped on, ignored due to Holly Hobbie's search for maple tree sap for the Spring Festival, kicked in the balls, and finished the night with blue balls.

At least the home cooking was supreme as always: Huge breaded pork chops, whipped potatoes, layer biscuits, and topped off with some angel food cake with ice cream.

At least my stomach was satisified and I got to see my brother and sister. If there's a wonder why I enjoy my fantasy-land birthday's in Vegas, look above. Call it selfish if you want, but it would have been nice to have a birthday celebration with at least an enjoyable dinner and laughs instead of fighting with a two year old to finish her dinner.

See you folks in four days, I'm hoping for a better attitude by then because right now I'm mired in a cloud "don't give a fuck". And if history repeats itself, that's a dangerous attitude to have in Vegas.

Monday, December 08, 2008

Still Not Old Enough To Care

For unknown reasons I was up at 2am this morning tossing and turning with several mirror-gazing moments. Flashes of parties, gatherings, car rides, bar closings, kisses, strolls, tears, those thoughts rolled by before the final bell went off two and half hours later. Freeze ass off while wobbling into the shower, then greeted by my wife after putting on the work wear.

“Happy Birthday”.

For the past four years those words came out while downing unknown amounts of free drinks inside Las Vegas’ various concrete palaces. Eyes glazed over with a tower of chips in front of me, not knowing nor caring if I had more now then purchased several hours ago. Each year surrounded by a group of friends that expands daily, monthly, yearly, that more people step aside from the Yahoo IM chat box and purchase a plane ticket to meet avatars and hacked words from .blogspot.com websites at the Geisha Bar.

Those people will have to wait until this Friday (I refuse to acknowledge the dickheads getting there a day before me). Now, another gathering will be dashing to the MGM mixed game, staying up late to sling alcohol-soused stories, and meeting these strangers again for the first time. It’s why people show up every year. If there was a five mile radius around this group, the owner of the bar in the epicenter of that circle could start plans to build a Key West retirement home after one year. But, because we live so far apart our livers are graceful for real life things like mortgage payments, spouses, and comfty couches for Sunday NFL afternoons without the tax deductions producing another gray hair on the chin instead of wondering how we’re going to pay for detox.

As for myself growing a year older? I’ve gained my independence back, there’s a job I actually give a shit about, and found the people with a similar last name in my house to be more then tolerable again. Walking thru the mud room and upstairs after the work day is done with awe instead of gloom, I love just watching them and being close to them whenever possible. And thanks to the extra work, I’m able to be a little more flexible with money and the guilt factor of shuttling off to Vegas for an extended weekend is packaged into making sure extra hugs are given upon returning.

The Winter Gathering in Vegas is detoxing of the degenerate soul, and those who you’ll see this week are there for similar reasons. Make sure you introduce yourself and imbibe with those of similar minds but don’t forget to take a stroll along the strip yourself and lose everything you have mentally and start anew when opening the doors to the Imperial Palace champagne pit to lay down a quarter on blackjack.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

Purple Jesus Likes Surly




Work is done.








Time for some fun.








Five looooooooooooooooong days. Make em' short people.








Saturday, December 06, 2008

World Cup of Poker V Live Blogging

With Otis and Pauly currently putting their lime tossing aside while the federales squabble over who gets the under-the-table payment to continue cancel the LAPT Mexico tournament...

... join us over at the PokerStarsBlog tomorrow for live blogging coverage of the Divisional PokerStars WorldCup team tournaments. A complete freeroll in which nine teams from all across the world will be trying to reach the PokerStars Caribbean Adverture in a little different manner. They'll will be playing along side the PCA main event for $100,000 to the winning team of five.

I'll be on the morning crew with Texas April, Short-Stack Shamus, and Falstaff bringing Deutschland, U.K., Europe, and the Rest of the World divisions to friendly doorsteps of the internet.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

World Blogger Championship of Online Poker

I'll be there when I can. Good luck again everyone :)


Online Poker

I have registered to play in the PokerStars World Blogger Championship of Online Poker!

All bloggers can play in this exclusive online poker tournament.

Registration code:
document.write(paramCode)
158220

Here Piggy Piggy

The new age Christmas Story has been written. Go check out Truckin this month read the entire awesome rack of stories of course, but I turned my attention to “The Last Christmas”. After reading, anyone else see Olympia Dukakis or Estelle Getty (pre-ashes and bones) at the head of that table?

----

My rant yesterday was there, and the Williams boys got their day in court much sooner then I thought. Now the heady legal types around THIS state seem to see that the Williams have some legit beef with Czar Goodell. Check out this article where studious law-types drag out the Minnesota state law about drug testing and enforcement on state employees. Granted the NFL’s lawyers will be looking to punch any and every hole into these Minnesota state drug testing laws but after reading the article it could be until next season that the interior of the Viking’s line would have to face these charges. The NFL is not the federal government, but then again the NFL is not based in Minnesota, are the Williams NFL employees or Minnesota Vikings employees protected by the state’s laws versus where the NFL corporate offices are (on Park Ave. in New York).

Losing 1/4th of their yearly salary plus an above average shot at a playoff run this year is well worth the fight for these two. Especially for Pat Williams who is in his mid-30s.

---

Happy Birthday to Otis. He’s on his way to Mexico for cervezas, tequila shooters, chiclet selling street kids, and Tijuana lesbian donkey shows for the next week or so. Or he might slide by Nuevo Vallarta for the PokerStars sponsored LAPT event.

Either one sounds much better then not feeling your fingers for the first ten minutes in the car.

----

Daddy, if you want some bacon, there's some of the live variety running around right behind my house right now thanks to an accident on the freeway no more then a block from my porch. I'll grab some rope for you from the shed.

----

The itch is getting to me.

Eight days.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Bumps Need Some Ice

Dear Roger “I am Supreme Chancellor Master of the Universe” Goodell,

Wrap your lips around a bucket of dicks.

Signed,

Viking Fans


Big Daddy Drew over at KSK uses his vast vocabularly to express what I cannot below. He too is a loyal and proud follower of the Purple's ups-and-downs and quite possibly the best football ranting read out there. I just purchased his book, I suggest if you enjoy his brand of sport humor that you check it out as well.

A tale of the Vikings woe:

First, the quarterbacking position (which still causes acid reflux every play) went from T-Jack is the man, to T-Jack can’t throw for shit so we’ll duct tape together a 54 year old Gus Frerotte and have him throw the same limp salami passes but with the mobility of Lark using grandpa that has trouble reaching for his medic alert button.

Next, all-world linebacker that you never heard of unless you follow the NFL aside from the Berman-infused backbackbackback ESPN highlights, E.J. Henderson, goes down early in the season, the Vikes grab someone they cut from the squad but is doing a decent enough job to warrant a pat on the tush.

Now, I-Am-Legend Goodell decides to make the water pill infused Williams Wall his scapegoats (along with four others) because his chicken chow mein had a little too much celery for his highness liking and decided to possibly shit bricks on the suddenly promising Vikings season. Granted this week’s game is against the Chuck E Cheese ball crawl clean-up crew, the suspensions of Pat and Kevin Williams for the rest of the season will give the bloated Culpepper doll a chance this week to enact revenge on the team which turned their backs on him. Maybe they’ll get their day in court ASAP and this ranting will become a puddle of vapid whining better left for when my aces get cracked.

The Vikes should win Sunday against the Ford quality JV squad regardless of any legal tricks up the team’s lawyer’s sleeves. But, with the Buzzsaw Cardinals (props to KSK), Falcons, and ending with the Giants anything less then perfect play will show the gaping hole left with these suspensions in the team that showed flashes of their preseason promise last week.

This team wins on defense. Period. The reason Purple Jesus and Chester Taylor are so effective is the punishment they deliver over the first two/three quarter because the defense puts the ball into their hands.

Should the Vikes lose and I have to face the shame of the Nardi brothers chanting IN YOUR FACE next weekend in Vegas together with a hundred other invisible internet friends, I will not be able to fully enjoy the hot waitress in her Vikings garb that will be serving me during the Purple’s game on the 14th.

---


Any chance a parent out there knows the best relaxation technique to working a ten hour day and coming home to listen to the whining of a five year old for two hours straight outside of locking the door putting on some three-way porn, tingle sensation Astroglide, shot of Wild Turkey, and going to town with the masturbation tool of choice?

Granted the bedtime story reading of Dora’s adventure to bringing balloons to the rainbow party or Scooby Doo’s crew solving another mystery via splitting up on Fred’s direction and capturing the bad guy in a way that would make Auric Goldfinger or Dr. No take a second look, makes everything all right for both of us at the end of the night. But, what about diffusing the situation at hand? Calm voice? Check. Allowed time to cool off? Check. Peace of a monk slipping green tea despite a raging headache? Check.

Share your tips in the comments if you’d be so kind.

----


Nine days. Or eight if you're like some assholes that have the nerve of starting the party early.

Monday, December 01, 2008

More Weekends Like That Please

If there was ever such a thing as football porn for Vikings fans, minus hot cheerleaders with implants getting plugged by ripped guys with IQs less then Devin Hester, it happen last night. Listening to Paul Allen on KFAN go apeshit so many times I was going to call my brother to offer him a Cap’n Coke or something in the booth before he blew out his voice. It was the first time all season I heard his voice with that extra thump that has made me mute the TV just to listen over the past several seasons.

That and I had a few things going on at PokerStarsBlog last night (yes Falstaff, I’ll take that drink and a chat at the Geisha bar) and looking up from my laptop at the football porn was done in quick spurts (next time guys, please don’t group your bust outs all together in a 30 minute span, my fingers and feeble brain mass would appreciate it). For those inclined on reading the wrap ups (I thank you for your support): Sunday Warm-up, Turbo Takedown, Battle of the Planets

I’d hear P.A. yelling thru my iPod earbuds and watch Berrian streak untouched down the sideline, Allen destroying the Bears offensive line, and Purple Jesus going down behind the line only to go all Lazurus on their ass and blow forward for a first down or even that big scamper down to the five. Even if its just for a week, there’s hope in the Twin Cities and for Vikes fans. If the Purple can take this game on the road, and Chilly can make some sideline calls that don’t make a fan reach for a ball-peen hammer and smash their fingers one by one, playoffs might be short-sighted. All this depends on the quarterback, who will show up? Marmalard throwing Gus, who floats balls for two hours in the air and fall woefully short of the target, or hitting Berrian in stride further then four yards down field like this play (fair warning, you may want to prepare for motion sickness before viewing).



---

Packers Suck. Feel free to mock my indecision to bench DeAngelo Williams last night for Fantasy Football (oops).

----

Does anyone realize that the WPBT Winter Classic is cresting over the hills currently? Sleep outlook for the next two weeks is doubtful, thankfully there’s a few weekend projects and craziness at work that should get me on that plane to Pai Gow goodness with straight faced Asian dealers and W-list Deal-a-tainers with minimal daydreaming.

Can’t wait. 11 days folks, prepare the liver, prepare for the lack of sleep, and for the best WPBT survival guide get Pauly to repost his survive list. Note the wheelchair drunk, do not attempt this, only trained idiots from nordic regions and total disgard for their lives should try this. If I were to pick out a rock bottom time in my life, that was only second to my work injury.

---

The Vikes weren’t the highlight of my holiday weekend however. It was the quiet times with my wife.

The simple act of sitting together on the couch to decompress from two hyped-up sugar laced kids (sappy brag picture to come), Christmas shopping, and preparing for the Tasmanian Devil-like December that’s upon all of us. For a long time (read: years) she’d read a book while I hammered down on the computer leveling up some pixelized figurine or eight tabling the virtual slot machines known as NL/PLO8 games at Stars or Full Tilt.

This weekend we time just chilled out together under blankets, this pumped more life into me then any football team victory or tournament conquer ever could. Along with having a little extra pocket cash and some financial peace-of-mind thanks to the PokerStarBlog, we’re trying to be a couple again instead of just putting on our mom and dad suits while our marriage seeped thru the USB cable or the latest Jodi Picoult book.

My hope is that someday we’ll be able to balance the two.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Its SKOL-time Bears Fans!

Holidays were great.

I got nothing, no punny puns, no victoriously hot metaphors, just blissful bacony fatness, and plenty of smiles from the kids.

Tonight I'll be doing the PokerStars Triple Play Replay (Turbo Takedown, Battle of the Planets, and the Sunday Warm-Up) at PokerStarsBlog.

All this while my Vikes take center stage on Sunday Night Football (and most likely flop knowing their heartbreak past). I do ask that Jared Allen knock Neckbeard into Week 17 so Sexy Rexy can sling 60 yard floaters. Should be a fun game, do I hear any $10 prop bets from the Bears crowd?

SKOL!!!!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

All Lined Up For Bloat

Glad someone enjoyed that 55-0 wash out at the Dome on Saturday. In related news... people from Iowa have sex with humans?

Interesting the things you learn reading newspapers or carnal education absorbed in Section 202 of the Metrodome.

---

Update: This is +20 points of awesomeness. Well played KSK.



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With the holidays now one day in front of us, who's happy and they know it?

Blah seems to be the popular word and normally after an epil fail attempt to get back on the multi-tabling online poker horse there would be whining about this and that. Well, this and that can promptly taking a flying leap into a Pantera mosh pit with a Billy Ray Cyrus t-shirt on. After powering down to a four buy in loss on the night (one buy in saved thanks to Daddy nudging me for an 18 person SnG), there was no numbness, I could still feel the cards and chips rain in the opposite direction and while the burning desire to play some poker was sedated rather quickly after watching the various coolers and beats, there was a shrug versus finding the nearest inanimate object to discuss loudly the level -23 play by the obscure European football team icon.

Nope. Just power down, thank the RNG for a dry ass tapping last seen on Big Brother's uncensored webcam and go to bed thankful for what I have versus what could have been.

That's the difference between me now, and me even last year. While the love of poker and card goodness is always there, I now just regulate those "beats" into entertainment that didn't work out, much like 25 piece Adam and Eve Super Sex-Kit I bought the wife and promptly threw out and is probably being used in various parts of Minneapolis at this moment.

---

Tomorrow's Schedule:

7am - 10am:

Run around downtown Minneapolis for the 5K Turkey Day Run sponsored by LifeTime Fitness. Fall down without alcoholic assistance, get laughed at by wife as she finishes five minutes ahead of me. Receive goody bag, over value the stale sweet bread and ill-fitting T-shirt like a firstborn. I still love these jogs despite being horrible at it.

10am - 2pm:

First food, first blood, brunch at parent's house, followed by nap time after too many mimosas, bacon, bacon in egg bake, bacon on toast, bacon on bacon, and bacon with sticky rolls.

2pm - 6pm:

Undisclosed area for turkey dinner with football viewing and discussing life questions like "why do some guys feel its ok to chat mid-stream?". Would you like to hold it too, I'm sure you do its pretty fun. Main reason why I just find a damn stall and peacefully fire without discussing the awesome tuna melt Steve's wife made him for lunch

6pm - ????:

5th Annual Turkey Day Beer Pong tournament. Approximately 10-14 teams of two show up. I will photograph myself wearing a champions jacket and possibly post it as well. As a former champion (and looking to become the first two-time champ with my teammate and brother-in-law) there will be pressure to perform, thus many servings of beer may be needed to pull off a victory against more practiced, much younger college kids. GET OFF MY LAWN!!

4am next morning - ?????:

Watch my kids + niece and nephew with hangover while wife tears up Black Friday, look for nearest Ginsu knife to perform perfect can-cutting self-extraction of pain receptors.

---

Spend often. See you on the other side.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Packer Losses Look Better On HDTV


Short and sweet:


A Packer blow out loss is better then finding a instant win card for a trip to DisneyWorld and free lap dances at Cheetahs at the bottom of your Fruity Pebbles box.


Cheeseheads can promptly crawl back out of their bandwagons now.


---


Despite tough economic times, low low low prices at Target (and saving for a few months) got the wife and I to spend a little of the cash PokerStarsBlog shipped during the the WCOOP to buy this:




Thanks for making lower-middle class feel like kings and queens if its just during Monday Night Football

Monday, November 24, 2008

Donovan, Sometimes You Win But Really Tie, Other Times You Sit Your Ass on the Bench

A pleasant day with the kids, no leaks thru the garage sale bought Tommy jeans, no spaz-tastic whines emitting from the backseats due to not receiving the same amount of snacks. We raced around the house with laughter versus time outs getting handed down from the wraith of the parent. A visit to Cabela’s to take in everything hunting/fishing/manliness as this is the only place aside from the local Lodge that you’d feel at home in your Remington t-shirt, fatigue cargo pants with a Rambo sized compound bow strapped across your back while dragging that 10-point buck killed in the woods behind the building to back of the store for processing. Honestly, Cabela’s is pretty kick ass, the aquarium, stuffed animals (literal and pillows), 15 foot tall fly fishing rods, and venison burgers will take anyone to the cabin life within seconds.

Upon returning home the wife decided to extend her morning shopping to several hours versus “I’m going out for a few things”. Late afternoon she stumbles looking five drinks past sober and she announced a freedom to do what I want for the balance of the evening. Of course my mind had non-kosher ideas involving minty scents and Nurse/Doctor costumes, but the kids were up and since I had a need for some live poker playing with Vegas on the horizon, the decision was made to hit up the new card club.

Running Aces near Forest Lake is the new kid on the tundra and color me very impressed with the place. I wasn’t there on a writing/reviewing/photoing trip so no formal notes were taken, but being 30 minutes from my house this place will be receiving more action from this degenerate gambler should the opportunities appear in the future:

The Décor: soft, light colored, very clean, plenty of space to stretch without feeling crowded. The chairs were adjustable to height and very comfortable; being not-so-short my knees did not take a beating from the six hour session

The Staff: Wow. And wow again. Polite, accommodating, friendly. Hell, even on the way out as I checked out the rack of tournaments and special events a dealer who was hitting up the ATM stopped for five minutes to explain the Sunday Tournaments (nearly 200-300 players every Sunday for their big $320 weekend tourney) and several other promos. I asked the dealers to listen for my name for the Omaha seat (while in $2/$4 HE), and half the table plus the dealer shot up when it was announced.

The Drink Staff: Cougar-city, raaaaaaaaaaaaaawr. No young bouncy ladies here but real women you’d buy decent scotch on the rocks, maybe a steak dinner, and she’d show you things only seen in the MILF section of YouPorn.com. Aside from the fairly attractive staff, they were again courteous, fast, and even provided free smile that had no hint of sarcasm.

The Games: Granted, one non-HE game running but since the wall of AARP rocks at the O8 table (4/8 with half-kill on a $40 scoop) that huddled around the five to nine seats were boring the fish to death the game didn’t suck. Nor did the action at the $2/$4 seat as I played 90% of the hands dealt for two hours and had more fun chatting it up with the table versus check-raising the hoodie guy on my right who played SERIOUS. POKER. Yep, $56 stack, me calling off his hands, and offer to buy him a drink wasn’t cracking this sour-puss to lighten the fuck up francis. Luckily the cool dealers and other chatty folks were having fun cracking my 93o to the tune of $8. The place did run a sizable amount of spread limit ($2-$60) type games which I did not imbibe because a) I hate hold em’ and b) spread limit gives me hives despite having a fairly good ROI in those games

The –EV Games: No commission Pai Gow?!?!!? Sadly, it was after six hours of battling nut lows against the oxygen tanks that I saw the sign for this, maybe next time. I instead gave away $40 playing 4-card poker which I made the mistake of getting in between two couple who had an hour long conversation over/around/thru my head which made me ask for a beer despite getting ready for the ride home. Again, polite dealers, pit bosses, and drink service in this section.

The Bar/Restaurant: I’m sure its nice, as I’ll write up this next time when I have the chance to delve into the eats beyond some rather tasty chicken fingers (note to tall blonde with legs that wouldn’t stop waitress: I’m a honey mustard versus BBQ type guy, but you’ll get over-tipped anyway).

End result: Loss of $56. Well worth the night of watching the old dude with a front porch that could seat all of the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader at the O8 table waddle to the “Club VIP” room for free pretzels every five minutes. Little things like people watching make my card room experience must more win then winning. Ok, winning would have been better but factor in the drinks and food the actual gambling loss was paying rake.

---

Vikes won. No gloating due to the score not reflecting the horrible performance of our quarterback again. Gus is just too old/beaten for this anymore, much like Brad Johnson’s flop-fest as Pinkiegate was going on, he can’t chuck the ball down field 50 yards to a streaking Rice or Berrian. Heck, even the stable targets were finding lame ducks thrown at their feet. Defense came up big, again. Could the Vikes pull off a 2000-2001 Raven-like playoff run? Bears at home in front of a national audience this week and the prospect of DP curling up into a ball after Neckbeard gets hammered by something other then a liter of Jack will make the game watchable at least. Wager sir?

---

Tomorrow, my thanks to PokerStars (and someone else) towards funding our lower-middle income contribution to the economy. It’s big but not so big that it wouldn’t fit.

Hop over to see last night's Warm-Up report if you're so kind.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Stuart Smalley Liked By More People


For those of you looking for Minnesota Senate race recount news... Franken is steadily gaining votes.


Virtually Alive

Toby Keith starts singing about slamming a few Budweisers down by the creek on the back of the Ford F-350 after his gal broke up with him last night because he was caught shooting her three-legged dog and day 12,401 of the Drizz Show begins. At first the room weaves a bit as the program still hasn’t loaded to full capacity thanks to Vista and its memory sucking goodness. Unfortunately the mirror in the bathroom has no beauty button and I’m still stuck with this fugly face and ex-athlete body but can upgrade from whiskey soaked stubble to baby bottom smooth after a quick shower.

After reaching my +20/20 glasses of correction the room straighten out a bit as the choice of wardrobe is presented in front of me while the spousal unit literally rolls out of bed in search of hot water. After choosing pants, belt, shirt, boxer briefs, and a sock combination that will elicit the least amount of ire from the half-awake wife and co-workers we’re off to serve up quickie breakfast since the children are most gracious for 5am wake-up calls that are better left for Navy SEALs.

The ride along the pitch black highway is coated with thousand points of lights which seem dour as the same display is shown every morning while the digits freeze against the icicle of a steering wheel. But, today I looked above the lights; saw a canvas instead of a sea of red hurrying off to their economy battered companies, holding out for new presidential and self assurances that the ship will right itself in time.

For a moment I took off those virtual reality glasses we all wear to view and interact with the world in 1080p with the latest plasma and HD technology. There were no cables, no spoon, no wires restricting movement, just factors that push towards that morning destination. Money for the house, for food, kid’s education, your wife’s attempt to win back her body self-esteem, to retain the same game and comforts keep you snuggled up in your favorite life blanket all didn’t matter from the blank black sky.

Sure this virtual reality comes with peripheral vision to check the base runners and extra sensory devices that even the best lesbian double dildo orgy on YouPorn couldn’t fire up enough tingle to match. Its still nothing but a series of actions/reactions to the environment around a person wearing their own virtual reality glasses that you and you alone can see through. Nobody else can force those body movements of yours that resulted in hitting the f’in doorknob with your elbow again, or feeling the tight, spider monkey clutch of a loving toddler after reading the Scooby-Doo step one easy reading book before bed.

Less and less each day I find myself bitching about the “have to” and working for the weekend, and more looking forward to slipping on my personal virtual glasses and taking spin in the un-winnable game while enjoying the little things like a perfectly crafted oatmeal chocolate chip cookie and minty ice cream. Despite no end game and no uber monster to slay that will drop +5 Shield of King Midas, there’s a reason to play and if you stop for just a moment during a regular meeting, commute to work, or as this is a poker-ish blog, look over the top of the felt and just listen and feel the activity going on around the table without burdening yourself with “obligations”. Honestly, there are none in this game, your choice to get married, have kids, not live on the corner of Hennepin and 5th in a cardboard box were all set by playing the game and reacting to the environment presented in front of you.

Tomorrow on day 12,402 and for the future when the program loads again, my only hope is that the comforts I’ve built through work, friends, and most of all family will still be there to provide the little nudge not to give up on the game and keep the ball from draining down the side alley.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Mean Guys

Just one quick blurb today since the ink has run dry and nobody’s home except mindless highway observations of dickwads in $50K+ beast-mobiles that feel the need to ignore things like turn signals and train of Kindergarten kids crossing a busy intersection. I swear these Armani power suited drivers would plow through a wall of the next generation should they impede their few precious minutes getting to a Chai Tea/hamster colonic cleansing appointment.

Since I’m new to this UFC/MMA thing, please explain all the comments found at Yahoo this morning about Brock Lesnar being undeserving of a title shot regardless of short history within the octagon? And the one comment I’d like to bring out:


How can you say that Brock Lesnar is going to dominate this era? As you know,
mixed martial arts is a game of matchups. While I think Randy Couture still can
beat a lot of fighters out there, I don’t see him matching up well with Lesnar.
That leads me to believe that there are match ups (a lot of them) that are not
in Lesnar’s favor. I’m glad you mentioned Gabriel Gonzaga because he is one who
I think can beat Lesnar. I also see Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira and Frank Mir as
other fighters who could beat him in the UFC. Outside the UFC, Alistair Overeem,
Josh Barnett and even Cro Cop come to mind. The only people I see Lesnar beating
are brawlers (Heath Herring) and wrestlers (Couture, and I realize that Barnett
has a wrestling background but his ground game is pretty amazing), purely based
off the fact that Lesnar is too big. If he fights technically skilled fighters,
I think that Lesnar is at a huge disadvantage. Your thoughts?


Spot on. But, who's to say those "technically sound" fighters would even get a chance at an armbar or submission? Lesner IS a world-class wrestler, and former NCAA champ who went 106-5 in four years at the U of M (that's Minnesota, suck it Big Blue), given his size, speed, and being fairly technical himself how does one even tie him up like those great fights you see in the lower weight divisions? Aren't the heavyweights more brawlers going for a knockout versus the figure-four leglock?
Also noted, the submission was the reason why Lesnar has a 1 in the loss column, but doesn't his abeit brief experience in the MMA learn to avoid this for future fights?


Maybe someone with a MMA fetish out there could shine some light on the subject.


---


Sadly due to MN law no more Growlers of Surly will be sold past New Year's Eve, but... that doesn't stop them from passing out a special double IPA near the end of the year to those (like THIS GUY) who have Growlers at home waiting to be filled (two down, one left). If I could cuddle with a beer and offer lines of sweet, whispered nothings just for a chance to get to second base with this fine line of alcoholic beverages, Surly would be my Lindsay Lohan (Mean Girls Lindsay, not clam bumping Lindsay).
Maybe its time for a new dream girl to handle the morning wood.


Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Hookers Need Some Lovin Too


Anyone besides me and IT pick Cleveland to win last night?


IN YOUR FACE!! (if you did I'm sure you're extremely pretty and everybody wants you)


Phil Dawson has a leg of gold, the Bills are cursed worse then my favorite squad, and Brady Quinn should be in Vegas doubling down on 16 with a face card showing for the dealer while hookers like Tela lick his ear promising some strap-on fun with her watermelon chested friend Kimmie behind the Show in the Sky stage for a few black chips.


Haven't met Tela? *opens curtain to Tao of Poker*


Pauly, Otis, and Howard hit up the infamous Hooker Bar at the Rio and get a express ride on the seedy side of Vegas that people like myself rarely see.


I have gone to Vegas at least once a year since I turned 21 and not ONCE has a lady of the night decided I was taint-licking worthy. Porn slappers usually go for the triple-snap-loop as I stroll by on the Strip, enticing me to call the number for fresh, hot pussy delivery in 30 minutes or less or the warm-up blow job is free. But the whores themselves run for greener pastures by the quarter blackjack tables as I find my seat at the bar for a Cap'n Coke.


Clearly I need to become a propane saleman from Colorado.


After reading another post from Vegas by Pauly, one wonders why one of the November Nine didn't put Dan Michalski on payroll to stand behind their opponent while heads-up. Any chance we could get the Gold Coast to let him stand behind the dealer at 4:30am while attempting to break the ice queen of a pit boss for some steak and eggs?


---


If you're playing the Bodoggie series... this will not end well should Waffles win.



It's Payback Time! Think You Can Take Out The Infamous Sir
Waffles?


On Thursday's November 20th Bodog blogger tournament,
there will be a bounty on the head of the biggest donkey of them all, the
notorious Sir Waffles!


Don't miss this opportunity to take revenge on or even
up the score with Waffles! If you are the lucky poker blogger to knock out
Waffles, you will receive a credit of T$109 to play in Bodog's $100K Guaranteed
Tournament occurring each Sunday at 4 PM!


Just what is Bodog's 100K Guaranteed
Tournament?


With one of the biggest overlays in the industry, the
value of this tournament is literally unbeatable!



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Vegas is in less then a month now, I've started to withdraw my spending cash, make plans to be with those A thru Z listers who are kind enough to read these pages as well as the plethora of Vietnamese manicured blogs out there that let you step into another person's skin without the itchy irritation of flannel. Bring your bust out prize, bring yourself.




I busted Waffles and it's a sweater!!

Monday, November 17, 2008

Two Minus Two Does Not Equal Four

Well that was a downer on an uplifting weekend The Vikes seem to have a pre-written script they follow before Longwell knocks the opening kickoff to the opponent’s two yard line. Crush the first half with Purple Jesus and a pass rush that invokes the ghost of guys like Eller, Marshall, Millard, Randle. Then put the mini-van into cruise control while dressing down Christy Brinkley in the red sports car in the second half while dreaming about hitting the Megabucks at the Luxor.



The word “quarters” implies four pieces, not two, and if the Vikings want to prove they were only a few acquisitions from becoming a legit playoff/Super Bowl team, an effort to play a whole game needs to be shown by the entire team. The defense gave the offense several chances by holding the Bucs to field goals despite giving up golden field position in the second half. NFL pariah to the running back position, awesome speed guy on the outside, a resurgent tight end who’s hands went from bricks to pillows, fortress for a front four, and 80-year old quarterback lacking Viagra while staring down The Wife in her beer bitch uniform.
Limp, flaccid, and a dozen other synonyms for mush, the Vikes need something better then a rent-a-wreck at QB to “get by”, they are a playoff team but keep showing up for the exams without studying or going to class, which is fine until the material exceeds what you learn playing bar trivia on Tuesday and Thursdays at Dave and Buster’s.

In other news, the Surly CynicAle kicked much ass, as I kicked down another growler during the game. *burp*


Poker continued to please my wallet in a home game with some co-workers. Rivered flushes came in, value bets got the call, and she finally wanted anal! I’m not doing anything different on the virtual or real felt except playing more hands and not looking at the cards as much as the players and their stacks. The whine about cold hands and worse suckouts in T-minus three days if poker-y ideas make their way to this spot on the internets.

Anyone getting excited for Vegas?

I know The Wife is, since she’ll be donning some brand, spanking new Viking apparel (just kidding, actually your husband's idea was much better). And due to his zest in selections, I’ll be awarding the free beer and $10 wager to Waffles but Bayne's cheerleader suggestion is noted. I'll her pick out the bottom though to be fair. Let me know the sizes and learn the Vikings fight song before getting to the sportsbook. SKOL!!

If you're playing poker in December hit up Falstaff with the RSVP, I will be dining at the casino that night and regulated to railbird or hitting up the mixed game after stuffing my face with expensive steak and frites at Bouchon's.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Graceful as a 400 pound ballerina

Yahoo states Dub-Yah "ended term gracefully".

I don't call this midnight rule making "graceful" nor "productive" (story below copied shamelessly from Wicked Chops):

My favorite line from the Reuters synopsis of the new law...

"For purposes of the rule, unlawful Internet gambling generally would cover the making of a bet or
wager that involves use of the Internet and that is unlawful under any
applicable federal or state law in the jurisdiction where the bet or wager is
initiated, received or otherwise made," the Treasury said.


Lawyers eat ambiguity for breakfast, enjoy the pancakes and sausage folks.

And to the banking industry, you should have shouted a little louder and maybe now should catch the ear of the president-elect to end this.

---

Bodoggie info below, Evelyn Ng will be there, my participation more cloudy:

Think you have what it takes to knock out a poker superstar?



On Thursday November 13th, 2008 poker sensation, Evelyn Ng will compete in the Bodog Blogger Tournament Series.



There will be a bounty on her head for T$109 to play in Bodog's $100K Guaranteed Tournament occurring each Sunday at 4 PM.



If Evelyn wins this tournament, the T$109 credit to play in Bodog's $100K Guaranteed Tournament will go to the poker blogger that places 1st runner up.



This blogger tournament series is open to poker bloggers worldwide and runs on Tuesday and Thursday evenings at 9:05 PM ET.



More details are available at the official blogger series site at http://www.bodogbloggertournament.com/



Learn more about professional poker player Evelyn Ng at http://poker.bodoglife.com/team-bodog/evelyn-ng.html

It May Be Snowing, But I'm Not Cold

A kind reminder that the contest for dressing up The Wife as my NFL Sunday beer bitch is still open to whoever is going to blogger meet and drink in Vegas next month. Waffles certainly came on strong (as predicted) but there's time before I hit up the pro shop close to the dome for the final Vikings accoutrements she shall don while fetching countless Cap'n Cokes (or waters depending on late night Pai Gow/Craps/Skillet drunkeness).

Waffles like yes? Sadly, no sambas.

I tried to find heels for the shoe lover but all I could find were Crocs. Hmmm... ok that's just mean.

Cami? I like.

I'll even throw in a $10 NFL wager of your choice on any team except the Packers if both I and The Wife approve of your submission.

---

Ever feel like you're supposed to say something, but know if you do the reprecussions may outlive the usefulness of the words. There's things at home that need to be said as I've been lost for sometime now, getting out of bed late at night to stare at the frost bitten ground and baren trees of the backyard to release thoughts that tear me apart daily. For unknown reasons the internal computer will not power down, constantly thinking of "why", "what if", and "why not" instead of enjoying the moment, the laughter, the now.

Home life has improved greatly since a year ago. The puzzle's framework is solid, but missing pieces continue to distort the final picture leaving an unfinished picture. Is it my unwillingness to live with status quo? Am I selfish for wanting reciprocation instead of a cold shoulder on most nights?

Much like the paper cuts draped across my knuckles from the recent cold wind, they hurt slowly but not enough to ruin my day and its nothing that some peppermint lotion wouldn't cure.

---

This story from Pokerati

Wow.

Just. Give. It. Up.

Everyone from the Treasury to the banking community tells you this is a bad idea EVEN THOUGH SOME DON'T LIKE GAMBLING, yet you try to push through a bad law DURING A BANKING AND ECONOMIC SHITSTORM.

Stop listening to the bible-thumpers for two seconds and use common sense. If people who don't gamble are even saying they don't agree with the way this law passed AND the rules behind it, why cram yet another horrible chapter to your presidential legacy.

The link is the actual article on the midnight rule making found at Pokerati. Would a punny 15 year penalty for Unsportsmanlike Conduct to William Wichterman seem appropriate?

---

Tonight Mookie, tomorrow Evy Baby (I pwns jOO @ Guitar Hero!!!11oneoneone, actually no she'd kick my ass). Details are out there about the Bodoggie extra prize, I'll post em here tomorrow. Still a great tourney to play with the massive overlay and deep stacks.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Move Over Phil, Eastgate New Youngest WSOP Main Event Champ

You could look at mainstream reporting (highlighting) of the WSOP final table...

But, we all know the gonzo reporting of Dr. Pauly and tilting Otis on prop bets is where the heart of the poker story is at.

Take a bow guys and gals, F-Train, Change100, and everyone else who's clearing out of the Penn and Teller theater from the 2008 WSOP Final Table as Peter Eastgate is heads to Spearmint Rhino for a victory lap with a single mother of two who's saving up for law school after winning.

You guys earned a drink, a cheer, and nap for bringing the color of the Amazon room to the internets. Thanks.

For a bonus, here's a video of the Joe Theismann approved injury to Charles Gordon:



Ow.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Dressing Up After Halloween

Ah, the smell of success. Lately, that smell has been a cross between a six month old rotten loaf of bread under a dorm room bed and an overdone slab of steak. The virus ping pong that me and the boy have been playing for almost two weeks has been less then enjoyable with the two a.m. anal wake-up calls and certain death stares from the other side of the bed should my digestive system stain the new sheets.

Hi, how are YOU doin this Monday!

Parasite talks aside, Vikes managed to squeak wide right after dominating the game up until half way thru the third quarter when the Pack decided they couldn’t score against the one-armed Jared Allen bulldOOOOOOOOOzer and scored against our weak-ass punt return team and a pick for a touchdown. Chilly tried to bring out the illusive Pass #2 play in the fourth quarter to shake up 52 year old Gus Frerotte, but it was Purple Jesus rising once again through and around the big front line with a forearm shiver that made Andre the Giant stand up out of his grave and take notice. I’ll let the internet suck-off of Adrian stop there but reserve the right start it up again next week.

The 64oz. of Surly Furious went down silky smooth right next to the homemade pretzels I whipped up thanks to a recipe from a friend of mine adding to a blissful afternoon on the couch that ended with a one-hour mental nap before busting out the PokerStars Sunday Warm-up final table recap (four hands of heads-up play with no chop like last night? Yes, please).

Pauly and Otis were covering a slightly bigger final table at the Rio as I followed while writing last night.

Read both (Pauly's live blog link).

Do it now (Otis' last post of the night, several more are under the "World Series" tag).

If you wussed out and slept last night like me, Phillips lost the lead quickly at the beginning but rallied. Its Eastgate vs. Demidov today. Over/under on the number of hands to decide the WSOP final table? Could it end like the two LAGs that I covered last night and end in four hands?

Oh, I’m taking suggestions for The Wife’s uniform as my personal assistant (read: beer bitch)during the NFL games next month in Vegas. Pictures are highly suggested as I'll happily purchase the attire after confirming the winning threads with the losing Cheesehead. Bonus points for the words "Mesh", "See-through", and "Silk" (is she sweating yet? cue evil laughter).

The winning submission will get a free drink served by my slave in Vegas.

SKOL!!!!

Sunday, November 09, 2008

This Post is Sho'Nuff Approved



Should I start the gloating now, or let it simmer until tomorrow? :)







I've got the GLOW of post-sex V-I-C-T-O-R-Y!!!!!!!



I'll wait till tomorrow after I clean up my mess. SKOL CHEESEHEADS!!!!! Since I agreed to a uniform for the beer bitch, what shall I choose? Maybe take something from Bam-Bam's page? :)