Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Bumps Need Some Ice

Dear Roger “I am Supreme Chancellor Master of the Universe” Goodell,

Wrap your lips around a bucket of dicks.


Viking Fans

Big Daddy Drew over at KSK uses his vast vocabularly to express what I cannot below. He too is a loyal and proud follower of the Purple's ups-and-downs and quite possibly the best football ranting read out there. I just purchased his book, I suggest if you enjoy his brand of sport humor that you check it out as well.

A tale of the Vikings woe:

First, the quarterbacking position (which still causes acid reflux every play) went from T-Jack is the man, to T-Jack can’t throw for shit so we’ll duct tape together a 54 year old Gus Frerotte and have him throw the same limp salami passes but with the mobility of Lark using grandpa that has trouble reaching for his medic alert button.

Next, all-world linebacker that you never heard of unless you follow the NFL aside from the Berman-infused backbackbackback ESPN highlights, E.J. Henderson, goes down early in the season, the Vikes grab someone they cut from the squad but is doing a decent enough job to warrant a pat on the tush.

Now, I-Am-Legend Goodell decides to make the water pill infused Williams Wall his scapegoats (along with four others) because his chicken chow mein had a little too much celery for his highness liking and decided to possibly shit bricks on the suddenly promising Vikings season. Granted this week’s game is against the Chuck E Cheese ball crawl clean-up crew, the suspensions of Pat and Kevin Williams for the rest of the season will give the bloated Culpepper doll a chance this week to enact revenge on the team which turned their backs on him. Maybe they’ll get their day in court ASAP and this ranting will become a puddle of vapid whining better left for when my aces get cracked.

The Vikes should win Sunday against the Ford quality JV squad regardless of any legal tricks up the team’s lawyer’s sleeves. But, with the Buzzsaw Cardinals (props to KSK), Falcons, and ending with the Giants anything less then perfect play will show the gaping hole left with these suspensions in the team that showed flashes of their preseason promise last week.

This team wins on defense. Period. The reason Purple Jesus and Chester Taylor are so effective is the punishment they deliver over the first two/three quarter because the defense puts the ball into their hands.

Should the Vikes lose and I have to face the shame of the Nardi brothers chanting IN YOUR FACE next weekend in Vegas together with a hundred other invisible internet friends, I will not be able to fully enjoy the hot waitress in her Vikings garb that will be serving me during the Purple’s game on the 14th.


Any chance a parent out there knows the best relaxation technique to working a ten hour day and coming home to listen to the whining of a five year old for two hours straight outside of locking the door putting on some three-way porn, tingle sensation Astroglide, shot of Wild Turkey, and going to town with the masturbation tool of choice?

Granted the bedtime story reading of Dora’s adventure to bringing balloons to the rainbow party or Scooby Doo’s crew solving another mystery via splitting up on Fred’s direction and capturing the bad guy in a way that would make Auric Goldfinger or Dr. No take a second look, makes everything all right for both of us at the end of the night. But, what about diffusing the situation at hand? Calm voice? Check. Allowed time to cool off? Check. Peace of a monk slipping green tea despite a raging headache? Check.

Share your tips in the comments if you’d be so kind.


Nine days. Or eight if you're like some assholes that have the nerve of starting the party early.

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