Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Vikings Sign Defensive End Julius Peppers

* (AP) February 24, 2009 – Eden Prairie, MN

WINTER PARK – Later today the Minnesota Vikings will announce the signing of defensive end Julius Peppers formerly of the Carolina Panthers. The 6’7” 283 lbs. lineman that was slapped with the franchise tag on February 19th has received an offer for four years $92.5 million contract with $25 million guaranteed from the Vikings to which the Panthers have decided to not match and part ways with the perennial all-pro. His statements will be taken later today.

Peppers originally sought to move to the Dallas Cowboys or Pittsburgh Steelers but landed in the Vikings camp after befriending fellow all-pro Defensive End Jared Allen during last month’s Pro Bowl game in Hawaii while volcano hopping during workout breaks.

“It was a rush to outrun molten lava while trying to spear some wild pigs with bamboo sticks and chugging bottles of Primo with Julius” stated Allen who racked up a similar 14.5 sacks last season. A statistic that is sure to see a boost thanks to the complete all-pro front four rounded out by the “Williams Wall” of all-pros Pat and Kevin Williams. Michael Strahan, the recently retired defensive end who holds the single season sack record, had no comment while tapping his new reality show “Michael Speaks” coming to Fox Sports next month.

The Panther’s Coach John Fox was sadden by the news of the departing stalwart to his defensive line but seemed more elated that quarterback Jake Delhomme passed his off-season mental evaluation. After being picked off five times by the lowly Arizona Cardinals defense in a NFC playoff game, Delhomme was rumored to shack up in a Motel 6 25 miles from Fargo, SD eating buckets of lutefisk and replaying the game while applying shock treatment each time the hawkish Cardinals defense prevented his Frisbee floaters to reach Steve Smith.

The Vikings head coach Brad Childress has this to say at the press conference.

“With the addition Mr. Peppers to our um, defensive line um, we have decided
to um, keep Tarvaris Jackson at quarterback because um, who the hell is going to score um, more
then seven points against that front four? On the subject of um, offense Tarvaris will throw the ball no more then um, four
yards, um, look to see the Purple Jesus and Chester running the ball um, 85% of
the time. Our main concern is T-Jack giving up more um, points then our
defense can, um score”

Super-fan “100% Cheese Free” is said to start up a huge off-season weight lifting regiment upon hearing this news due to Peppers, Allen, and the Williams Wall weighing much more then Berrian or Peterson jumping into the stands after touchdowns.

With a front four to rival the vaunted “Purple People Eaters” defenses of the late 60s and 70, will this Vikings defense carve its own name into history as the first team to score more defensive points then offensive?

In lesser Vikings news to shore up its horrid punt and kick return coverage team, the team also announced digging up Don Beebe and Steve Tasker to prevent another futility record of allowing returns for touchdowns.
* (not even the least bit true but one Vikes fan could dream of that front D-line)

No comments: