Thursday, February 26, 2009

One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila FLOOR!

Quick hits today:

Better hearing will have to wait one more day, as the audiologist said my equipment will not reach the arctic north till tomorrow.

Would have been in time for my sis-in-law's birthday dinner at a Mexician restaurant with four screaming kids.

Darn. Patron shots por favor?

---

From the office of pulling numbers out from behind their ears: "1 in 3 Americans have lost a job or knows someone who has"

Honestly, that number should be 2 in 3 or even 3 in 4. Sadly, its supposed to worse.

---

Made the points in the Mookie last ni... oh wait there were no points, just lubricated conversation and a foreshadow of just how tired I would be if I attempt to play this BBT4 series. Is it possible to play poker until midnight each night (totally glass overflowing with optimism as its more likely I'd bust within the first two hours) and wake up four hours later to splash on some Axe Body Gel onto my chiseled human form hoping to someday get my picture on Hot Chicks with Douchebags maybe even take chode of the week honors.

High life aspirations, yessir. The dream to some day to reach the same rare douche-knight air as "BRA!" makes my nipples dance with glee.

Gear up for Sunday with the folks across the pond for the first official event, and if you like a little spice with your blogger tournament, check out Miami Don's "Big Game" the same night.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Striking Out


There is hope for those still dreaming of sweeping uberhottie Megan Fox off her feet as the 90210 guy pulled an Uncle Jessie and lost the model:


Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox attend Maxim's 8th Annual Hot 100 Party on May 16, 2007.


Us Magazine Megan Fox and fiance Brian Austin Green have split, Usmagazine.com has learned."The relationship had run its course," an insider tells Us exclusively. "It's completely amicable, and they are remaining friends."


Fox, 22 (who'll reprise her role as Mikaela in this Junes sequel Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen), and Green, 35 (a regular on Fox's Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles), now are both focusing on their careers," the source adds.Us Weekly has more details on their shocking split. Pick up the new issue, on stands tomorrow.


I may have finally found someone to replace Ms. Lohan in my twisted dreams.
----
On a side note, my wife has gotten me into the gym again after six year of not lifting or working out. Future prop betting drunken arm wrestlers beware.
Oh, as a result of said gym-going... I have a new profound respect for female aerobic instructors. Not just for the way they make paisley colored lyrca form into accidential stiffy inducing states for ogling male not unlike myself. But for the sheer endurance exhibited while doing something called a "Strike" class with my wife yesterday.
This morning a wheelchair may be needed despite a 0.00 BAC.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Vikings Sign Defensive End Julius Peppers



* (AP) February 24, 2009 – Eden Prairie, MN

WINTER PARK – Later today the Minnesota Vikings will announce the signing of defensive end Julius Peppers formerly of the Carolina Panthers. The 6’7” 283 lbs. lineman that was slapped with the franchise tag on February 19th has received an offer for four years $92.5 million contract with $25 million guaranteed from the Vikings to which the Panthers have decided to not match and part ways with the perennial all-pro. His statements will be taken later today.

Peppers originally sought to move to the Dallas Cowboys or Pittsburgh Steelers but landed in the Vikings camp after befriending fellow all-pro Defensive End Jared Allen during last month’s Pro Bowl game in Hawaii while volcano hopping during workout breaks.

“It was a rush to outrun molten lava while trying to spear some wild pigs with bamboo sticks and chugging bottles of Primo with Julius” stated Allen who racked up a similar 14.5 sacks last season. A statistic that is sure to see a boost thanks to the complete all-pro front four rounded out by the “Williams Wall” of all-pros Pat and Kevin Williams. Michael Strahan, the recently retired defensive end who holds the single season sack record, had no comment while tapping his new reality show “Michael Speaks” coming to Fox Sports next month.


The Panther’s Coach John Fox was sadden by the news of the departing stalwart to his defensive line but seemed more elated that quarterback Jake Delhomme passed his off-season mental evaluation. After being picked off five times by the lowly Arizona Cardinals defense in a NFC playoff game, Delhomme was rumored to shack up in a Motel 6 25 miles from Fargo, SD eating buckets of lutefisk and replaying the game while applying shock treatment each time the hawkish Cardinals defense prevented his Frisbee floaters to reach Steve Smith.

The Vikings head coach Brad Childress has this to say at the press conference.



“With the addition Mr. Peppers to our um, defensive line um, we have decided
to um, keep Tarvaris Jackson at quarterback because um, who the hell is going to score um, more
then seven points against that front four? On the subject of um, offense Tarvaris will throw the ball no more then um, four
yards, um, look to see the Purple Jesus and Chester running the ball um, 85% of
the time. Our main concern is T-Jack giving up more um, points then our
defense can, um score”



Super-fan “100% Cheese Free” is said to start up a huge off-season weight lifting regiment upon hearing this news due to Peppers, Allen, and the Williams Wall weighing much more then Berrian or Peterson jumping into the stands after touchdowns.






With a front four to rival the vaunted “Purple People Eaters” defenses of the late 60s and 70, will this Vikings defense carve its own name into history as the first team to score more defensive points then offensive?

In lesser Vikings news to shore up its horrid punt and kick return coverage team, the team also announced digging up Don Beebe and Steve Tasker to prevent another futility record of allowing returns for touchdowns.
* (not even the least bit true but one Vikes fan could dream of that front D-line)

Monday, February 23, 2009

What's With the Pipe Organ Music?


(image from Yahoo.com)


While I didn't watch the Oscars last night due to Comcast issuing an epic fail on basic customer service this weekend (it took four phone calls, and two IM conversations for them to figure out that I needed a new cable box after discontinuing the DVR), I did catch the clip Steve Martin/Tina Fey exchange this morning thanks to the KFAN "Power Trip Show".





Get those two a movie/TV show stat, it might be the only non-sports/poker/porn I'd watch. That and curses to AMC for showing The Godfather and Godfather II on loop for the past week, forcing me to relinquish several hours of sleep to watch Moe Greene take one to the eye, and diving behind a bar whenever the eerie organ music started up. Lack of sleep this past week rolled up to my usual action packed end-of-the-month Sunday night at PokerStarsBlog. Go and check out the $1 Million Turbo Takedown, Sunday Warm-up, and Battle of the Planets write-ups. And for the late late show, Jen was up again covering the Sunday Million which almost had 9,000 players!





The finishing beer after those always taste like liquid platnium. Thankfully, for the past two attempts at following the action the heads-up play was under six hands for all three tourneys yet again. Are they scared to play it out or is taking a (possible) preflop flip positive EV? Considering one of the heads-up match contained a WCOOP champ who has several deep finishes in big online MTTs, wouldn't you want to let skill give you an edge versus hoping to hit with those overcards?





Then again, I've played in exactly one $215 online event (which I cashed in thank you very much) and my largest MTT "score" would buy you two round trip tickets to East Des Moines, Iowa with enough left over to purchase half of an airline snack pack with a watered down beer.





While we're on the online poker kick...





BBT4 has been announced as Al makes his way to Irish Kevin's read below for the times/places/faces. My participation will be a game-time decision each night as the kids have suddenly developed a keen ear for actually listening to what their parents are saying (Best. Streess. Relief. Ever. outside of a decent blowjob of course).





I'll be shooting to play all of the Skillz series games since that's my best shot for a Tournament of Champions seat since it doesn't involve being a NLHE push-monkey and rely on winning those elusive coin flips.





Here's the lineup:





Brit Blogger Game


When: Sunday's at 16:00ET


Game: NLHE


Buyin: $5+.50


Password: donkament





PPI / Riverchasers Tournament


When: Monday's at 22:00


ETGame: Deepstack NLHE


Buyin: $24+2 or token


Password: riverchasers





Blogger Skillz Game


When: Tuesday's at 21:30ET


Game: rotation of non-NLHE games


Buyin: $10+1


Password: skillz








The Mookie


When: Wednesday's at 22:00ET


Game: Deepstack NLHE


Buyin: $10+1Password: vegas1

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Skillets Taste Better With Friends

If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows

- Sam Kinison

---

First, a thank you.

Although my first real-life meet with these invisible internet friends was briefly during the 2007 Winter Classic in Vegas, the real meet was during the Bash this year. While the bar Olympics raged and I was in my element of playing bar games while imbibing on good grub and perfect pours, new friendships were formed over the three days culminating in that competition made for barflies.

Darts, shuffleboard, a mess chicken wing eating contest that left Jordan and Falstaff with a good amount of Durkee’s hot sauce dripping down their chins while a row of irish car bombs awaited other competitors in the background.

Permanent smiles were made that day, and made wider while conversations over freshly priced skillets at a roadside diner that was nice enough to stay open for the adults that crowded into a mini-van for some quick bites down scary-assed tight backroads of PA, before returning to the fray. Bad dancing and worse displays of drunkness awaited later that night as a skinny accounting worker decided that after his eye-bleach worthy white boy Kid n’ Play moves on the dance floor, his Arm of Adonis would take all-comers with $5 (I apologize as I don’t remember any arm wrestling except reaching in my pocket the next morning while seeing a trio of Canucks eating breakfast and finding enough for 1/4th of my obscenely priced airport taxi ride).

To Dr. Chako, The Wife, and Bam-Bam, I thank you. Doc and The Wife’s offer shocked me so much it took a day or two to register that getting these hearing aids wouldn’t break the bank and I’d be able to hit up the various family and blogger trips I had planned this year.

The Dells, Vegas (for my wife’s convention which is conveniently during the last week of the WSOP before the main event DONKEY DOWN!!!!!!), Chicago, Bash (if there is one), Vegas. All coming in THX Dolby 6.0 surround sound.

Can’t wait.

---

For a minute of poker/blogtastic talk.

I dabble online to see where the competition is at concerning the Omaha games (one can find such free online poker at places like Bodog). They’re still horrible, continue to be horrible, fat chick trying to pole dance at Deja Vu horrible. Learn the game folks, just play tight if needed, but there’s money to be made if you know that 59JJ rainbow isn’t worth a flyer when there’s a bet and two raises in front of you in O8.

I know the poker content here has fallen, and while my love for the game remains the same, its time I’d rather use reading Curious George Goes to the Hospital (the illustrations of George hitting the ether is comedy gold). I play when I can, I write about it when I can but would rather leave those scripted words to PokerStarsBlog or the occasional article for Al at Poker From the Rail at Full Tilt.

I’ve been told these pages have dropped in popularity as Google-bombing certainly did me no favors, and not playing six-tables of PL/NLO8 for four hours a night to come here a throw a Sam Kinison-sized fit about some 12 buy-in swing isn’t helping these “page ranks”.

But, do people really want to read that anymore? Maybe due to my first post being back in aught four those types of posts have grown stale on me and those fresh faces to the internets are still drooling for bad beat and variance stories. Hell, even a decent score (for me) gets not much more then a line or two of typed letters.

You get, what you get here.

Sometimes its poker.

Sometimes its bOObies

Sometimes its life whines.

Sometimes its sappy-shit better left for a Hallmark mini-series on Lifetime starring William H. Macy, but what I do assure my five readers you will get me unedited, missing words, bad punctuation, worse metaphors because that’s who I am and this is my spot to let go.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Toilets Do Not Enjoy Happy Meals

Work has tied down for the time being so I'll drop this head shaker (and wonder when the story of brick-wrapped Brett Farve jersey will be used to have a kid fetch an Old Milwaukee from the fridge is coming out :

You stay classy Wisconsin!

---

I do have a couple of more huge thank you's going out, including the person who's offer came in several weeks ago and made the purchase of these hearing aids easy enough that I'll still be able to make a few blogger trips this year. That'll be tomorrow when the tidal wave of invoices come to splash ashore just to tickle bare feet versus a potential drowning.

---

PSA for current and future parents:

If you hear your almost three year old say the following words/phrases and these actions combined be very afraid:

1) Hear sound of toilet flushing
2) "Oops"
3) "My McDonald's toy fell down"
4) Sound of toilet disagreeing with said obstruction

Sigh.

Monday, February 16, 2009

I Won A Headache and a Monkey

I don't know if you guys want to be outed as helping me on the road to being hooked on hearing phonics but a big thank you these guys making my decision a simple one:

Chilly
BG
PokerPeaker
Pauly

And over the weekend I got a letter from the Palmetto State with the envelope labeled "G-Vegas Collective". Begging for a letter from G-Rob offering to play PLO and PLO8 again, inside the letter said such a table couldn't be spread until Samson gets done with his private lessons from Robert Williamson III and Jeff Hwang.

*cough* Like that's going to help *cough*

Instead two friends sent me a note and money reminding me why our invisible internet friends that we've met over the years despite miles of trees, congested roadways, and regional accents in the way, feel like they're in your kitchen mixing up another martini before shouting "I raise dark!".

While we might not play poker on the internets as much as the glory days of Party Poker, bonus whoring, and these pages being more about poker then whining about my so-called life, the friendships still remain.

Humbled, smiling, and graceful.

Thank you BadBlood and Otis.

----

On the note of internet poker there are two things I will not be doing in the near future.

1) Playing eight tables of PLO and PLO8 with half of them 6-max.

2) Playing the $10+$1 $200,000 guarantee at PokerStars

The first one was to chase those juicy 25 billionth hand giveaway for four hours, of which netted me $1.87 (playing with over half of my depleted bankroll on the tables), a handful of Frequent Players Points (to buy another cute monkey from the FPP store), and a headache that required a few double Cap'n Cokes with an Excedrin chaser.

Did not win any bonuses since the randomizer choose all Hold Em' tables while I played. RIGGED!!!

How I ever used to do this on a daily basis for far more hours is beyond me. Forgetting that PL/NLO8 was on one side of the screen and PLO-Hi was on the other is a bad mistake.

The 27,000 player donkfest saw me getting thru 26,000 players (finished in the 900s)...

... only to find out that players 271 - 4,000 got paid the same. Maybe some basic reading skills found on Wyatt's kindergarten "Reading is Fun!" workbooks would tell me that the proper strategy is to push, push, push with hopes for a big stack since finishing mid-late field means shit.

No gold star for me, but that $28K for first is a neat apple to shoot for since it only cost $11 to enter.

---

Hearing aids will be ready in two weeks with a program button to include "ignore nagging wife", "decipher drunk", and "read your soul".

I like.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Eat Your Wheatons!

Couple of weekend pimps after I had the lovely audiologist who was a cross between Jessica Alba and Eva Longoria pump me full of gel. Yeah, kinda hard to make small talk while getting your ears encased in wax, but damn she was hot.

First off...

Wil Wheaton is back, but never left, yet is here. Strange.

Anyway, new stuff from the master of the d20 die looking roll a crit hit on the silver plated dragon and playing make believe on a TV and movie set near you.

Found on Pauly's blog, its Wheaton's new book Sunken Treasure on sale over at Lulu.com

Go buy. I just did. If someone has a recommendation on his other books, let me know.

======

DREAM TEAM POKER TAPS FORMER WPT EXEC TO LEAD BUSINESS DEVELOPMENT

LOS ANGELES – FEBRUARY 12, 2009 – Dream Team Poker today announced the hiring of
Katherine Kowal to be the company’s new director of business development, adding
another industry veteran to their impressive executive team. Kowal will be
charged with further advancing Dream Team Poker’s casino presence and enhancing
brand recognition among poker players.

Kowal was the former
director of casino and player relations at the World Poker Tour. She joined the
poker tour giant in 2003 and was responsible for growing domestic and
international strategic partnerships for the company. During her time with the
WPT, Kowal managed casino partnerships, player relations and event marketing and
coordination.

"Katherine has a proven track record of success
everywhere she has been in the gaming and entertainment industry," said Dream
Team Gaming CEO Daniel Delshad. "Her poker and casino acumen will help place
Dream Team Poker among the elite gaming authorities in the
industry."

Kowal will help Dream Team Poker identify and target new
casino partners to license the patented Dream Team Poker system as well as
oversee DTP’s event marketing, player relations, and strategic partnerships. In
addition, she will be responsible for maintaining relationships with top casinos
and leverage those relationships to build the DTP Brand.

“Taking
this position at Dream Team feels like a natural next step for me,” said Kowal.
“My background in casino and player management has made working in this industry
rewarding. I hope to boost new player sign ups and help casinos see the unique
value of Dream Team Poker’s exciting team-based tournament structure. ”

Prior to joining WPT, she worked in television production for Nash
Entertainment, where she produced shows for networks including The Learning
Channel and FOX Entertainment. Kowal earned a Bachelor of Science from Boston
University with a major in Communications.

Dream Team Poker hired
Kowal shortly after announcing their second tournament at the poker room in
Caesars Palace Las Vegas on March 27-29, 2009. To register for the Dream Team
Poker Caesars Palace Las Vegas event and for more information on, please visit www.dreamteampoker.com.

###

About Dream Team Gaming

Dream Team Poker is a new “team-based” structure and scoring system for
tournament poker. Dream Team Poker’s patent-pending scoring system allows
players to compete on an individual basis while getting scored as a team, giving
each player better odds and chances to win money as they compete for individual
and team prizes. Casinos benefit from Dream Team Poker’s structure as players
have new incentives to stay at the property after busting out, resulting in
longer hotel reservations, more meals eaten at casino restaurants, and general
increase on property, which generates more side play revenue.

Founded in 2007, Dream Team Poker is growing rapidly and
licensing its tournament structure to many of the nation’s largest and popular
casinos. It is the first gaming product developed by Dream Team Gaming, a
privately held company headquartered in Beverly Hills, CA. For more information,
please visit www.dreamteampoker.com

Thursday, February 12, 2009

25 Billion! (Poker Stimulus Package Post!)

Last night's drunken poker night found some success as I left a little bit of money on Stars and Tilt with hopes to play in the upcoming BBT4 and small MTTs.

Five tourneys played.

Three cashes.

Two final tables. One paid for my kid's lunch at McDonald's (ninth place), the other I was shocked to see was worth a trip to Vegas (third place). If Obama isn't going drop some cash on people, I'll just have to take it from the donkeys.

For those with time on their hands may want to start stalking PokerStars over the next week or so thanks to all the free moneys they're giving out check it out below:

PokerStars is having a 25 Billion Bash, and everyone is invited to join the celebration! Just over 18 months after our 10 Billionth Hand was dealt, we are now on the verge of dealing our landmark 25 Billionth Hand, and we’re not going to let such an occasion go unmarked. We’re going to be celebrating in the only way we know how - by having a bash, full of promotions that will give away some huge prizes!

The 25 Billion Bash’ Promotions
25% Reload bonus up to $250
Cash prizes for milestone hands
The 25 Billionth Mega Milestone
Sunday Warm Up & Sunday Million guarantees increased

25% Reload Bonus up to $250We want to thank all of our players for helping us reach this amazing milestone by offering our biggest ever site-wide reload bonus - a 25% deposit bonus up to $250!* To qualify for this bonus, make a qualifying deposit between 12:00 ET on February 11 and 23:59 ET on February 18, using the bonus code 25bash.

To clear the bonus, you must earn the required number of Base FPPs (VPPs) which can be found in your PokerStars lobby under the 'Cashier' area. Once in the cashier window, simply click the button labeled "Check My Bonus Status." For more information on earning Base FPP and this incredible bonus offer, visit our 25% bonus page.

Cash prizes for milestone hand:

sAs we approach the 25 Billionth Hand, you’re going to want to be playing at our cash ring game tables to try to win our milestone hand prizes. Starting from hand 24,850,000,000, we’re going to be giving away cash prizes for every millionth hand dealt until we hit number 25 Billion, a total of 150 milestone hands**. The winner of each milestone hand will receive a cash prize on top of the pot they have already won, while the rest of the table will also be awarded a cash prize for just being dealt in to the hand. The following prizes will be awarded depending on the table stakes as displayed in the PokerStars lobby:

Limit
Winner
The Rest
Micro
$300
$125
Low
$750
$250
Medium
$1,250
$500
High
$2,500
$1,000


We've got even better news for you if you’re a VIP Club member. If you're SilverStar VIP or above at the time you are dealt into any of the milestone hands, whatever cash prize you win will be multiplied according to your current VIP status. So the higher your VIP level, the more you'll win! See the table below for multiplier details:

VIP Tier
Milestone Hands Bonus
SilverStar
15% Bonus
GoldStar
30% Bonus
PlatinumStar
60% Bonus
Supernova
120% Bonus
Supernova Elite
200% Bonus


For example, you can turn a $1,250 prize into $1,625, just for being a GoldStar VIP.

The 25 Billionth Mega Milestone Hand:

With the focus of the 25 Billion Bash being on the 25 Billionth Hand we deal, it is only right that we award the biggest prizes of all to the players who participate in this historic hand. The winner of the 25 Billionth Hand will be awarded a staggering $100,000 cash prize, as well as ALL of the following; an EPT Monte Carlo package, a PokerStars Caribbean Adventure package, a World Series main event package and a WCOOP Main Event ticket. All in all, the winner of the 25 Billionth Hand dealt on PokerStars will claim a prize worth more than $150,000! While the winner of the hand will receive the main prize, we’re also going to be awarding cash prizes to the rest of the players who are dealt into the Mega Milestone Hand. $100,000 in cash will be shared equally by all players who are dealt into the 25 Billionth Hand! (Players must be dealt into a milestone hand to be eligible for prizes. Players sitting out during a milestone hand are not eligible.) This means that in total the 25 Billionth Hand will be worth a combined $250,000 in cash and prizes! (Please note: Prizes awarded to those dealt into the 25 Billionth Hand are not subject to VIP Multipliers as per the regular milestone hands outlined above.)

Sunday Warm Up & Sunday Million guarantees ramped up:

We recognize that only a few lucky players will have shot at taking the main prize from the 25 Billion Bash, but there are still plenty of other ways you can benefit. On February 15, the Sunday Majors will have their guaranteed prize pools significantly increased. The Sunday Warm-Up at 12:45 ET will have its guarantee boosted to $1.25 million. This will be followed up by the Sunday Million at 16:30 ET, where players will battle for a guaranteed prize pool worth $2.5 million. Both tournaments can be found under the Tourney > Special tab in your PokerStars lobby and have a direct buy-in of $215. You can also win your way into these events for as little as a few dollars, in our regular satellites all week long.Good luck, and see you at the tables!

Regards,

The PokerStars Team

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

The Wait Is the Hardest Part

Anticipation.

If you haven’t tossed and turned over an upcoming event in your life, maybe its time to put down the minty-fresh KY lube and Jenna Jamison pocket pussy to try living real life for once. Sure real life may deal you a strike out when you bought the dozen fresh-cut white and red roses, secured that prime seat at the hottest sushi bar in the city, literally smelling the sex during the sunset cuddle overlooking the Mississippi, and went to JAREDS/KAYS/SHANE CO./CONTINENTIAL DIAMONDS IN ST. LOUIS PARK (cue vapid squeals from the women not receiving that special mass-produced heart shaped diamond pendant on sale for $3,999.00 that comes with a free three inch cuddle bear)!

Re-read the guides to a successful date by Redbook, Cosmo, GQ, Highlites, Sport Illustrated, and Maxim; those mass produced words led to a smooth conversation and devilish glances at each other over sashimi and California rolls. The sexual tension remained thick during the slow ride back towards the bed that needed to have its headboard padded for tonight’s sure to wake the neighbors roars of passion (or yours from getting that blowjob she’s hinted at for the past two months).

You open the car door; she glances over her shoulder as she glides upstairs and the excitement in your pants suddenly make your belt and Dockers a tad restricting. She goes into the bedroom and can hear clothes hitting the floor as you dive into the adjacent bathroom to splash some cold water on yourself. The lights are off and slowly you crawl under the covers with a smile as wide as that Enzyte penis enlargement guy.


But something’s wrong.

Lotion? From Victoria’s Secret.

Breath? Minty.

Boner? Raging.

You listen closely to the other human and she’s emitting snoring noises and glance that she’s wearing flannels and her long sleeve “leave-me-alone” shirt. The quick decision is made that purchasing the Playboy Channel for the balance of the night would cost less then a divorce lawyer after an ill-advised attempt to dry check her oil.

I’ve been trying to not get myself worked up about getting this pair of hearing aids. Hoping for technology to provide something that failed in the past. Last few nights have been “I’m-going-to-Vegas-this-weekend” type restlessness that has left a good sized hole in the sleep patterns.

The audiologist provided the sales talk with all the sweet-nothings about how my life would improve hearing the things I wanted to hear; the doctor’s office provided the buyer’s security and now its time to plunge into a potential debt (I say potential because it looks like my online poker money withdraws, plus help from several bloggers, and dab from Uncle Sam’s tax returns will cover the cost WHEEEEEEEEEEE!). But, part of me is scared of the cold shoulder. The work to get the balls to admit there’s a problem and the need to at least explore a resolution was not an easy one. To get blue balls at this point would be disappointing but followed quickly by relief that I took the chance.

Tomorrow I climb into bed again with anticipation, and by the end of the month hope that I’m able to drift off into a post-sex sleep coma from the satisfaction of receiving everything I’ve dreamed of hearing.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

From L.A. With Love

I wish I could write this morning but I received something in the mail yesterday from a good friend that has left me without adjectives again.

So instead, I'll direct you to his latest posts that tops even his high standards.

"Where's My Bailout?"

"Soul Cards"

Thank you McG.

Making the appointment today for the hearing aid molding and with any luck I'll be able to hear the Peter Gammons/A-Rod interview (which will get replayed more then any Brett Farve update) by the end of the week without having to read it on the TV.

Monday, February 09, 2009

Marriage: Its What's For Dinner

Ying to the Yang. Opposites attract and you know it.

People marry for different reasons, she looked hot in the bright yellow bikini with green lacing, he made a bundle on Microsoft and sold at the right time so I can take in Dr. Phil’s advice daily while sitting in an Aruba penthouse suite, or because he/she completed me.

If someone took notice of my eight point five years of marriage to my wife and asked what the secret to a lasting marriage, I would scoff and kindly tell them to check with her as to why she hasn’t changed the locks yet. Our marriage is not one of Harlequin romance novels with cover showing the stallion of a man sporting a perfect six-pack on his stomach not in his hands swooning over the tatterly dressed shapely female. Its balancing patience for each other’s quirks, giving in here, but not there, its making sure there’s no doubt that if one falls the other is there to catch. Not a stretch considering the road conditions this morning were better fit for dog sleds then overpriced SUVs.

Even with that knowledge the best I can hope for is by the end of the day we’re talking to each other versus blowing up over who changed Kyra’s shitty underwear more times throughout the day (she won 4-2 yesterday, with a double dose right before bed time, this is going to make for some awkward dates in the future, maybe she’ll marry a German Poop porn collector who’s into that sort of thing). I, for the record, will never “get it”, one of these days I’ll understand just to give into the flow instead of turning over to stare at a the lime green clock showing a two for the first digit. Each day I give a little more into this union and stop the relentless pursuit of perfection where every day we have perfect simultaneous multiple orgasms before work, a tower of thick-cut hickory-smoked bacon waiting in the breakfast nook, kids happily climbing into their winter jackets, work flying by with text messages as to which chandelier we’ll swing from tonight, the perfect steak dinner while the kids sit attentively and tell us all about sledding with nana and pa, then topping of the night with Cristal and moves that would make half the actresses in Flipchip’s AVN photos blush.

Instead, I’m more inclined to shoot for a day that doesn’t suck. A smile, a slow peck on the lips, conversations that don’t end with “you’re an idiot”, a hug from two little ones, a steady paycheck, decent eats on the table, and getting my ass kicked in every word game put out on Facebook. Seriously, go look at my record on Scramble, I get beat more then some New York City tomato can that could have been a contender if his left hook hit harder then a two month old Burmese kitten.

Like Kid Icarus who flew too close to the sun only to crash and burn those wax wings, my take on this union of marriage is the same to stop fantasizing about perfection and work on contentment with a hint of daily improvement. Somewhere there’s a balance between Vegas-filled fantasy nights and sitting in front of must-see-TV learning about The O.C.’s likes and dislikes, giving up doing Black Belt Sudoku puzzles on the sunken couch while knitting an afghan.

---

I’m cooking up a poker post for Al’s place of employment over at Poker From the Rail sponsored by Full Tilt. There’s a bunch of words in my head but no direction which is pretty standard, once the outlines pops in, head out to check it out especially now with the FTOPS MCXXIII going on.

In other poker-y news, a question for those who go deep in big MTTs… if you’re a “recognizable” player as railbirds flock to be amazed of your ability to win coinflips, 2nd in chips with 19 left, six figures for first, and the chip leader is sitting at your table and has shown the inability to fold the Letter “A” regardless of board. Why would you attempt some elaborate call flop, check-raise all-in turn float for your nearly triple par stack (to non-poker player readers, my apologies for the poker lingo ass-plosion there)?

I'm sure there was a reason beyond my feeble knowledge of the game and lack luster results but being a semi-student of the game it seemed odd.

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A-Rod.

Why bring this up six years later?

The fans are finally starting to cheer again, I for one flicked it on Kerry Wood’s 20K game on the new MLB cable station when DP pointed it out and enjoyed watching guys like Biggio play the game with some grit and remembered why I was a fan.

Shit like this kills the average one to two games at the stadium a year fans. Stop it. It was before the policies were in place. What does shining the light on this do besides put your most recognized active player in bed with disgraced all-stars like Bonds and Clemens?

Did Bud Selig take an overdose of stupid with his bran muffin and $17 million contract?

Thursday, February 05, 2009

The Cost of a Beat Down

Watching the Gophers catch a beat down from the Spartans last night (which cost me a prop bet with Bobby Bracelet)...

... was nothing compared to this Florida Cheerleader beatdown of Victoria Lindsay (careful, ad pop ups), view the video towards the bottom of the screen. Trying to find the full video netted me a hand full of Rick Roll's but if you're more web savvy then I, let me know.

And people wonder why parents fear for their kids growing up.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Truckin and Phelps Go Hand In Hand


My wife, bring the kind, gentle soul she is, left our marital bed early this morning to let her husband get some uninterrupted sleep by taking her coughing fit into the porch with the plush couch. I offered however that she simply could have given me a quick blowjob and no amount of cold symphony sounds of hacking and sneezing would wake me up.

She declined. Don Juan I am not.

Michael Phelps is a midnight toker eh? And apparently there’s a law man in South Carolina who wanted to get his name in the news by proclaiming the need to exert his god-like ego try to hand the golden boy a ticket for $200. The legalities of how far the law could go was a topic on Mike and Mike this morning and I’m sure every newspaper sports writer across the US will chip in a quick article and opinion on “how this will hurt his public relations” and “he’s not a hero to our children” all for smoking a little pot.
Against the law? Sure.
Harmful to his bank account? Probably.
Going to jail for it? Doubtful.

Maybe some legal geniuses or students could tell me if the ubiquitous “red cup” rule applies here. You’re at a keg party; you hit on the tall, striking brunette that once took a double look at you in World History during the discussion of the beginnings of the Freemasons. By the end of the night she ends up wearing nothing but her little black La Perla get up spread eagle on a de-sheeted bed pissing herself from one too many drinks after brushing you off since that Bartles and James Pina Colada in your hand didn’t exert enough manliness (I suggest the Fruit Punch next time). Anyway, she is photographed prior to the peep show holding a red cup with arms around two other ladies from the school’s volleyball team. No one however got the panty shot so you’ll have to relive that memory in the shower with a little conditioner in your hand.

Pictures of course end up on Facebook and cause outrage in the community! OMG THINK OF THE CHILDREN!! Question here is, if none of the photos contained the keg, bottle of Grey Goose, or any viewable alcoholic tell signs except the big red cups, can the police or coach/school pursue a case without any admissions?

Phelps’ bong is clearly there but the blurry photo doesn’t show any ganja, baggies, January’s copy of High Times, one-hitters, etc… is there even a case?


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To segue into this month’s Truckin’, it just hit your Bloglines stands! Check out below as Pauly swings two stories this month that may or may not have been hallucinogens enhanced.



That's cool. You're a chick. And chicks are supposed to like sappy shit like Coldplay. I need something that I can play air guitar to. Not 'insert and remove tampons from my ass' kinda music... More



I lay out the pieces of his tuxedo, he finishes the primping process. Gathering the necessary toiletries strewn across the bathroom floor one by one, as he needs them. The hair dryer goes off. I run my fingers through his dried, loose, locks and secure them in the back in a short ponytail while he tones, moisturizes and brushes. In that order... More




Elvis bragged about his sexual conquests, using language you didn't hear around women. He said he'd been a truck driver six months earlier. Now he could have a new woman in each town. He told a story about being caught having sex in his back seat. An angry husband grabbed his wife by the ankles and pulled her out from under Elvis. I doubted that... More




I tell him I'm from the Future, from the 21st century where people are used to paying for goods and services with this futuristic method of payment called credit cards. I apologise yet again and claim full responsibility for my own lack of research into his quaint and backwards and medieval system. I tell him I have no gold, no jewels, no currency and nothing to barter in exchange for the consumed food except these futuristic and useless credit cards... More


5. Pancakes by Paul McGuireI just have to tell people the pancakes story and it perfectly explained Sabine. I sat through her bizarre routine every day for a year as she slipped into a trance and maniacally prepared her pancakes. She cared more about the pancakes than her own art. More than herself. Heck, more than me... More

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Quick Hits

Just had to link this up, and ask "why couldn't this happen to me?"

Paid to watch porn? Yes please:


TUCSON, Ariz. – A cable television provider apologized Monday to Tucson-area customers over a 30-second porn interruption during the Super Bowl.

Philadelphia-based Comcast said it was conducting a thorough investigation "and will aggressively pursue all leads until we come to resolution." In separate statements, the company said it was "mortified" and "appalled" by the interruption.

"Our initial investigation suggests this was an isolated malicious act," Jennifer Khoury, Comcast's vice president for corporate communications, said.

The company said only customers in the Tucson area receiving the standard definition feed — not high definition — were affected.

Comcast has some 80,000 customers in unincorporated portions of Pima County, Marana and Oro Valley, but a Comcast spokeswoman, Kelle Maslyn, declined to say how many standard definition customers there are or how many of those customers may have been watching the game.

Late Monday, Khoury said Comcast had decided to offer any Tucson customer who gets the standard definition service a $10 credit. The affected customers can receive the credit by calling a special telephone number or a Comcast call center, and are entitled to the money whether or not they watched the Super Bowl.

"The Super bowl is a family viewing event ... We can't undo what happened, but we remain deeply sorry for the impact this situation has had on our customers," Khoury said.
She said the credit was intended to "demonstrate to our customers, and to the Tucson community, how seriously we take this situation."


Tucson media outlets reported that they received calls from irate viewers about the pornographic material, which aired just after the Arizona Cardinals' Larry Fitzgerald scored on a long touchdown reception during the final minutes of the game.

In Washington, Federal Communications Commission spokesman David Fiske said he was not aware of any complaints having been filed with the FCC as of Monday afternoon.
"At this point we just have no information," he said. If the agency receives complaints, review procedures will be followed.


"Every case concerning enforcement or indecency is fact-specific," he said, and added, "we can't ever speculate."

Khoury also said it was too soon to discuss a number of unanswered issues, ranging from how and why the incident occurred to what the source was and how the company's security system was breached.

Other questions include whether the interruption could have emanated from any broadcast provided for on-demand customers and whether any employees of the company might face discipline, depending on the investigation's outcome.

Fiske could not say whether the FCC potentially could impose a fine or other disciplinary action. "It depends on what the facts are," he said.

And Georges St. Pierre accused of cheating?

I was home that night as the wife took a night on the town with friends and she watched the fight as I battled the bottom feeding PLO players on Stars and Tilt (I will not disclose my recent play for the sake of a streak). I'll have to ask her if slippery grappling was the reason Penn lost, but from 2nd hand retakes, it sounded like GSP was dominating standing up and that was the reason for the TKO.

Any MMA fans out there with a plug for GSP's defense that a little dab of vaseline shouldn't make a difference?

Monday, February 02, 2009

I Want a Quadrophonic Blaupunkt

The one resolution, which was in my mind long before it took the form of a resolution, is the key-note of my life. It is this, always to regard as mere impertinences of fate the handicaps which were placed upon my life almost at the beginning. I resolved that they should not crush or dwarf my soul, but rather be made to blossom, like Aaron's rod, with flowers.

Helen Keller (1880-1968)

A little sappy quote, but one that rings true in my life.

At a lost for words at the moment as offers to help me pay off the hearing aids come in. Including some huge help from a large skinny guy dancing around in a kilt somewhere in the Carolinas who found out that $5,100.00 price quote is a tad high and I should do some shopping before taking the debt plunge.

If you've lived a full life, then there's to be a point which you've looked in the mirror and said "fuck it, I'm done with this, it's not worth trying anymore". Of course you may use softer language or jumble the words up a bit, but the decision to fight versus flight doesn't come easy. I've had more then a few of these forks in the road in my life as everyone does. If one were to map out those life roads for myself, they would be paved with hairpin turns overlooking several thousand feet in the air. Yes, I've come that close to not imposing these words on you fine folks today.

It took me a long time to realize just how lucky I am to have a caring wife, two healthy children, and a sturdy backbone network of family and friends who are willing to help at the sound of a phone call or even a blog post. After finally waking up to take notice of my surroundings, there came a need long overdue.

To better myself.

The first step is getting these hearing aids, or at least trying them out to see if there's a worth to them. By law there's a 30 or 45 day trail period in which the audiologist and myself can check to see if the aid will pump in more luscious metaphorific sayings into my head to put down on this daily journal from watching TV/movies or finally hearing entire conversations. Or if they don't work, I ship back your donations and go back to reading lips with a smile. No harm, no foul, just to use a worn out saying "playing the hand dealt". Just like my looks won't get me on the cover of GQ or Maxim for that matter as I'd have to update my bikini wax for that gig, my hearing will always factor into advancing at the office.

Truthfully, do you want a supervisor or analyist that makes you repeat half your presentation or excuse as to why you couldn't come to work today?

Thus the glory of the internets (and a good friend putting trust into someone who can't keep his damn phone charged to get an important text, sorry about that Otis) gave me a chance to do something with my love for poker, writing about it, and make some decent cash. There's no missed joke or snide remark after the river card gave the surly Swede his two-outer to best the 19 year old balla originally from Cow Town, Wyoming now living in a decked out Key West house with five other online poker savants that 24 table SnGs and cash games and buy six figure cars with their frequent players points. All the hand information and chat is laid out in its pixelized glory on my Toshiba 15" laptop. Without these games on the web, I wouldn't have that little selfish something extra to look forward to. Something outside the 9 to 5, the family, the cube, the commute.

It may seem silly to some that I put such stock into a part-time job like this, and I know there will be a time in the future that the work may no longer be there, but for me doing things like the weekend reporting at PokerStarsBlog, and hauling my sorry ass into the audiologist is helping to break the rust off my life that had collected far too long. Maybe I'll find out that there's some talent deep within the horrible metaphors and punny sentences spewed out here and during the tourney recaps and that might get me on a plane to exotic Mongolia for the possible new Russian Poker Tour stop in 2012.

For now, as Crash Davis once imposed his wisdom on the Porsche driving Nuke LaLoosh "We gotta play it one day at a time." And that's my intent from here on out.