An Excuse to Post a Keeley Hazell Picture

Four days to Vegas. Interest ramping, sleeping failing, full-blown porn slapper euphoria soon-to-come.

Anyone need a job? (NOT a cruel April Fools Joke, I'll leave that to the pros):

Lead Business Analyst:

Masters degree in Mathematics or Statistics
Minimum 6-8 years business experience
Minimum 3-4 years SAS experience
Proven problem solving, analytical, listening and communication skills
Ability to manage ambiguity
Demonstrated organizational, planning, and time management skills
Proven ability to collaborate with all partners
Ability to establish direction and manage team workload
Ability to drive change and execute

Let me know if there's any quadratic g33k's out there who are interested.

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If you don't read Kissing Suzy Kolber for NFL news, make this post of a Tom Brady, Gisele, and Bridget threesome your first post.

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Add aerobics instructor to list of people you should never utter the words "you're not challenging me".

My hopes are the bottle of ibuprophen I'll be downing today quell half of the pain as I whine like a 4-year old with a hangnail.

In case you need to know this is what an aerobics instructor may look like (click thru to see pics):

Rockin the Granny Panties

New era for Twins baseball on the way? RIP Carl Pohlad. But, since his son Jim has been basically running the ownership show for years don’t expect the Twins to whoo Manny being Manny or a slew of other high priced/high risk big hitters into the Twins lineup for years to come. Look for better insight from Twins/Baseball-guru Aaron Gleeman to expound on the Twins future without the miserly Pohlad behind the plate.

“Four year has not yet been charged” (click link to story). Those are seven words that should never been written in any newspaper/news story other then The Onion. Seriously? Granted the reporter was just passing on the information from the sheriff’s office but doesn’t common sense seep into a story in some way? Just the fact ma’am? Four years old meaning, almost done with the ability to wipe one’s ass alone, graduating from Sprout to Nick Jr., and making up fictional stories involving “a coyote, a squid, and his adventures with Alvin, Simon, and Theodore.” I think the fact that the kid one, knew there was a gun readily accessible, two, was able to reach it, and three, was able to fire it, shows the parents were better off to blow off beer, bingo, and blowjobs night down at the lodge and find a Chuck Norris video on gun safety (my suggestion is “Invasion U.S.A.”).

Speaking of 80’s movies, for some reason I’ve found myself watching “Hot Dog: The Movie” (a poor man’s “Ski School” but Shannon Tweed’s granny panties were rockin!), “Bikini Shop”, and last night’s feature “Gas Pump Girls”. No idea for sudden interest OMG-BOOBIES! mixed with vapid-plot-line-return-to-USA-Up!-All-Night-lonely-high-school-evenings, but when needing a void after a day of work and being daddy it adds some humor into the night.

Yes, I know I should be studying for my MBA, learning five languages, and solving for "y", but I’m not that person. There are limits to my life and I recognize them. My hearing and speech problems have defined a line to which jobs I can pursue and how far my professional suit will carry me. After countless rejections, I’ve resigned to the fact that there’s a glass ceiling that will not break no matter how large my penis is, or whether I obtain a four-year college degree or not. My head injury set my life back five to six very dark years in which I woke up in the last year or two with two kids and a renewed love for my wife. But, before the injury I was all set to re-enter the college campus with a Business degree and CPA certification in mind and very little financial/mental penalty. Now, I have a mortgage, two cars, two kids, and five monthly porn subscriptions to think of.

Not sure where the next year or five will take me, but the journey now is more important to me then the goal of a piece of paper or a couple of extra digits in my bank account. Just providing financially, parentally, and husbandly (new word!!!1111oneoneone) for my family and myself is my life. This is probably the most important thing that has come out of a bad situation, and while the daily outlook gets blurred with every argument, the lifelong one doesn’t need glasses anymore.

Next Parenting Stop: Parent-Teacher Conferences

Not sure what set off the stampede towards this web page over the weekend, but I do know there’s some horny Iranians looking for Amanda Beard photos.

Apparently, I am still the authority on Lea Thompson’s ass: WOLVERINES!!! (you're a commie pinko if you don't watch Red Dawn everytime it pops up on TBS). Mrs. Thompson is not to be confused with Lea Walker. My my, you could float downtown Minneapolis on those things.

Spent the night out on the deck with perfect weather, a decent stout, and bugs finding something else to cause irritation to. The kids managed to beat up on each other less then usual while hacking around the yard with their minature set of golf clubs. God forbid if they ever get hooked on the game, I'm not sure if duffing a 80 yard approach shot after crushing a 350 yard drive is more tilt-worthy then watching yourself get quartered after the final two cards come off the deck after being air tight for a scoop.

I vote for the chunk of sod, unless there's an attentive beer cart chick providing blood pressure lowering macro brews (or a Cap'n Coke if you're so inclined).

The boy is set to start school-age activities next week, of which I will be there first-hand to see him off to the brave new world of academia and heart breaks. The parents are required to spend the first day of Kindergarden with the kids and since I'm more about eating paste then acting my age, I was elected to hold his hand into Ms. Hilstrom's classroom next Tuesday at nine am. A scary proposition for both of us, as I'm letting go of my first born to the outside world hoping they accept him for who he is.

As documented here, I liked learning, I hated school. My only wish is that my son's easement into "real" life outside of afternoon naps and Nana's freshly baked banana bread in the morning is more joy then pain.

No Gas Means the Burrito Wasn't Good Enough

I got this in my email box:

Just passing the message on: Our government isn't doing anything about fuel prices. It's time we citizens do a 1 day boycott and see if things change. Mexico has federal control on fuel prices and diesel fuel is $2.28/gallon.

NO GAS...On May 15th 2008 - Don't pump gas on May 15th In April 1997, there was a "gas out" conducted nationwide in protest of gas prices. Gasoline prices dropped 30 cents a gallon overnight. On May 15th 2008, all internet users are to not go to a gas station in protest of high gas prices. Gas is now over $3.50 a gallon in most places.

There are 73,000,000+ American members currently on the internet network, and the average car takes about $30 to $50 to fill up. If all users did not go to the pump on the 15th, it would take $2,292,000,000.00 (that's almost $3 BILLION) out of the oil company's pockets for just one day, so please do not go to the gas station on May 15th and let's try to put a dent in the Middle Eastern oil industry for at least one day.

If you agree (which I can't see why you wouldn't) resend this to your entire contact list. With it saying, ''Don't pump gas on May 15th"

I heart fuzzy math: $2,292,000,000.00 (that's almost $3 BILLION) and my dick is 8 inches long (THAT'S ALMOST 1 FOOT OF MANHOOD LADIES!!!!1111). So if you don't want that undernourished child in Somalia with the club foot and hand sticking out of his chest to die in the next 24 hours for not following this email, just say no to petrol.

On the poker front, made the Mookie final table with uninspiring play save a little tilt in the middle of it when a flush draw got there for my opponent. No suckouts, no getting my money in behind except for the last hand. At least it paid for the last two weeks of BBT3 buy-ins, but alas no Mookie interview. Too little, too late.

Tomorrow I'll be at Canterbury and hopefully someone will brush the sand off his non-posting vaginal area enough to join me out there for late night poker and PAI GOW! Otherwise, I'll enjoy the races with the family while hitting up the Daily Double beer specials.

Enjoy your non-fuel pumping day today or angry spider monkeys while swarm your house like horny poker bloggers to naked pics of Shana Hiatt. Ok partially clothed, but good enough so its SFW.

Its the Best Beats the Rest!

After winning the Texas High School 1A state track meet... My question is: does she get to keep the team trophy?

Yes, I'd still jump the trophies on Amanda Wenk regardless of marital or sexual preferrence status.

My ability to lose in the Hoy in different ways is unsurpassed as I should have lost with Aces early on but sucked out on a flopped straight. Then did something stupid by getting my money in ahead again with Kings after the first break and lost to my favorite hand (99). GG. Night night. Love coming back every week!

Please bring the Red Soxs back to play at the homerdome more often. I've never seen the Twins' bats look so lively. Especially Pap Smear and his stare down of death which gave the Twinkies a nice come from behind victory. Of course now I've jinxed the team and Mauer will probably blow a knee like me and Cuddyer will try to catch the ball with his mouth instead of his hat. But, I'm all for Boston sport teams getting knocked off their holier then thou perch, even if its only May.

Bodoggie and Skillz tonight for those still grinding these tournament series out. My participation will depend on the ability to lift two eyelids after dinner. That Buddy Dank and his evil pushfest with addictive music keep me up too late. Tonight I counter that Waffles Song with the classic Banana Phone!

Can I Just Touch Them Once?

Amanda Wenk. You make my heart (and other things) sing.

Nod to JJ who felt staring at lesbian boobs as sizable as Ms. Wenk's were more important then his chip stack tonight.

Then again it usually is.

Lazy Cap'n Thoughts #279

How do you get your wife/girlfriend to wear just a hockey jersey because you find it sexy?

Pros and Cons of Swimming Lessons

The great thing about bringing your kid to the community center for swimming lessons:

Mommy boobs


The horrible thing about bringing your kid to the community center for swimming lessons:

Mommy boobs


Its all about when you look up from the most recent issue of Maxim. Timing is the key.

Water Is Wet

Did you know that snow turns into water when temperatures rise above freezing? This fascinating scientific phenomenon occurred around my very home late last evening and continues this morning. I’m sure the Discovery Channel is gearing up for a trek to Minnesota to capture the growing puddles of liquid in my basement documentary style with a cool sounding gravel-voiced narrator, as the sump pump decided to sleep thru the night as it has for over six months.

Yeah, it’s usually not a good sign when the wife goes downstairs to start the car and comes back up looking like she ready to stomp on some grapes at a winery. We won’t mention any strong adjectives she used for describing the inability of our new sump pump to perform the simple task of turning on.

Did you know that a doom switch can be turned on at a live casino just as easily as the ones online. I sat in amazement of the slick haired (actually a little too slick as gel/goo/spunk was dripping onto his ruffled shirt) blackjack dealer decided to pull out eight 20s, 21s, or blackjacks in a row. This caused a little more ire then my comfort zone could handle due to the loss I already posted in the Royal Oaks poker room at Grand Casino Hinckley.

My biggest hand of the night playing 3/6 limit hold em?

T3o whos two-pair managed to avoid a flushed board and beat the lady who was playing any two but managed to have TPTK on the ten high board.

I felt bad.

Then remembered the other three hands she managed to do the same to me and called it karma as I walked away five hours later with half-buy in loss. The room was basically dead as only two tables were running since it wasn’t a tournament night and all of the local internet players couldn’t be bothered to play limit poker when they are not allowed to push their chips into the middle with a straight draw. At least the Grubby-approved Trailer Trash Monthly bottle blonde cover girl at the other table, managed to show her black thong each time she placed a wager on the felt for my enjoyment. Instead of merely placing $4 on a felt, she had to extend her rather stretched, provocatively labeled “I Like Cock” tank top over the betting line along with her chips and give the drooling moose hunters a glimpse of the store-bought boobies.

I almost asked for a table change for the free peep show, but my table wanted to give away money to people not looking down at 83o for the entire time I played. $100 for entertainment is what I’ll write it off as. As for the blackjack, that was pure shit. I think I managed a swearing streak that only the late Sam Kinison could manage. The dealer pissed me off with his lucksac abilities. The two homely looking girls managed to put out another bet every time we managed to get a good run of cards and I’d lose while they’d win their min bets. I was ripe for some serious slot tilting…

… but I remembered I have three more casino trips this month along with the need for a plane ticket.

Thanks for dropping by, now this is how you write a Vegas trip report. Take notes and hide the SoCo and your liver.

Raindrops Falling On My Head

But what happens if a Canuck puts a brick in there... I think the cold weather has something to do with our neighbors to the north coming up with competitive pillowfighting. Any chance for a Keeley Hazell vs. Ashton fight?

Loser has to make a sex video with their ex-boyfriend. Oh, guess it already happened (kudos to Wicked Chops once again and the video is VERY NSFW!!!).

But, Snake, Addict, and Chops are not all about the T and A (not that there's anything wrong with that) as they've compiled a listing of all the news surrounding the recent arrests of John Lefebvre and Stephen Lawrence. I first saw the news on Bill’s site yesterday morning, but now Pokernews and other outlets have reported that their arrest is for transferring funds to and from online gambling sites.

“This is not good” - Chris Knight

Of course we’ve seen the speculation about the sky falling before, and maybe I’m lucky that my Full Tilt jersey is currently in a plane with a destination of the frozen tundra (note to UPS guy: make a left at the third glacier, watch out for flying penguins). I’ve dumped my cash into Full Tilt and Stars leaving some beer money in Neteller while this news story takes shape. Realistically, not much will happen right away but these news stories can’t be good for those people who were on the fence about depositing and trying out the pixelized version of poker.

We’re back to the day the UIEGA was funneled through the Senate behind shady law-making practices. Everyone will be up in arms for awhile, but possible true blow lies beneath the liquidity of poker funds. Right now transferring and withdrawing those ill-gotten gains is easy and relatively secure, soon players that want to hang around may have to resort to shadier fly-by-night eWallets vs. ones that currently have their funds secured by mom and pop financial institutions like the Royal Bank of Scotland (that’s a little internet sarcasm for our friends across the pond).

I’ll be sticking around as long as I don’t manage to dump off my remaining bankroll to the PLO8 heathens.

Since my recent days at the tables have mirrored Tony Romo’s ability to hold an oblong pigskin upright, I will be “shifting gears” tonight and have set aside $100 to play strictly SnGs for a night, double up or bust is the motto. Thought it would make for a different, strictly poker post for KeepYourPokerFace tonight starting after Wyatt has used up all his excuses to stay up and watch “Hard Hat Harry” again. I must admit that The Village People-reject likeness of title character is a little disconcerting.

Thanks for dropping by, now I’ll take a peek at 2+2 and probably see a 20 page thread in the works about this latest Neteller story… nope its only 11 pages as of 7am CST

Moody With a Side of Illness

Watch this because you have nothing else going on this morning besides filling out TPS reports and your cube-mate stole the last cruller again.

Is it sad that I did not see one movie that was listed at the People's Choice Awards (except "Cars" which I viewed as many times as I've seen my wife's back while climbing into bed)? Did anyone watch Robin Williams get lost inside Queen Latifah's dress while attempting some ill-conceived dry hump? And you thought walking in on your parents was bad.

I quickly changed the channel to Commando to watch the Govenator blow things up, spout some bad one-liners “don’t disturb my friend he’s dead tired” and Alyssa Milano in her days before lesbian flicks and showing off her witch boobies with that chick from 90210. All in the attempt to deflect another ho-hum day at the virtual tables in which I managed to lose a single digit amount and feel assy towards anyone I chatted with.

Hell even Speaker couldn't lighten me up to play in one of my favorite tourneys (HORSE token tourney at Full Tilt). And it’s not the poker causing a foul mood.

This mystery cold/flu bug has cast a germ ridden blanket over our house for the past six weeks and shows no signs of leaving. Sick + Tired = Shorten Patience, which of course leads to the dark side of the force and potentially crappy sequels. Faith I have an abundance of, but I’d be lying if I said my outwards appearance of smiles was genuine right now.

A deflection is set for Friday as my friends are getting together for some good old fashioned donkey poker with wild card games, Guts, Baseball, Maverick, and probably a Texas Hold Em’ tourney to appease Jay’s appetite for the game. No wheelchair rides will be necessary but I’ll hoist a few Cap’n Cokes in search of having a good time.

And please if you chat with me this week; tell me to put a goddamn stitch in it. I hate being a sourpuss while being around friends. Veneno... Thursday night will work :)

Thanks for dropping by, now if you haven’t been reading the REAL PokerStars Caribbean Adventure blog by Mrs. Otis (one more mention of “Otis is a hunk of Man Candy” and I think I’ll have to refrain from drinking around him during the next blogger meet). Check out her lushing it up with a couple of Brits and regretting the hangover the next day.

But, if you want the fruits of labor from this Adonis with a goatee… the WPT final table is set.