Ginsu > Drizz

Ginsu knives.

The one standing made me its bitch, ow  
They cut through cans and STILL slice a tomato with the sharpness of Louis CK discussing father's day.  Human flesh does not mesh with Ginsu knives however as the human flesh loses the battle.  Badly.  And that person being a parent of two children ages four and seven with four boxes of band-aid cannot find out that does not have Dr. Doofenshmirtz or a Disney princess on the front.  So to save face and the embarrassment of reaching for a sharp blade and forgetting my recent anatomy lesson that while skin does amazing things (especially on Marissa Miller and she got to hang out with Captain Morgan!  So jealous) does not withstand a blade that if you call RIGHT NOW, you can a five-piece blade set AND no shipping and handling for just $19.99!  What they don't add are the band-aid costs as they are needed when a half-sleeping dolt reaches into the soap covered sink and splices his digit.

Despite Agent P battling the evil doctor on the same finger that holds a $10 wedding ring found in the back alley of Nuevo Progresso, Mexico, I bleed for my tens of readers who drop by.  You're welcome :)

Yesterday I did something that was put in the back closet with my Playstation 2 and sex toys nearly seven years ago.  Actually, that's my real closet this one was proverbial and at work and I doubt corporate rules allow anal beads in the workplace. 

I went on two interviews.

Informational only but this employee, this father, this mix of degeneracy and hard work finally decided another piece was missing and trying to obtain a job that matches my new found drive to make something more of myself but it wasn't to seek a bigger paycheck.  In the two interviews one paid more, one had a good vibe.  Vibes are good, money can be replaced by people who don't understand four card poker (quick poker tip to those trying to beat the Rush PLO games...  to beat the monkeys, you need to play like one to some extent, I suggest alcohol and a lot of buy-ins because my graph, while it ticks upward looks like something you'd go dashing for a defibrillator to correct).  The hiring manager looked beyond my obvious rust in this setting and spelled out a job description that fit my plans, and while the pay is about the same, the opportunities to advance and get to where I'd like to go (Australia, Key West, Keeley Hazells's cleavage) are there.  The second position paid more, fit my skills, but had the personality of bed lint. 

The thought of coming in and not talking to my co-workers on a strict 9-5 Monday-Friday schedule much like a cubical prison did not appeal.  I'd go back to being a collector if more cash and high-pressured job contained in three walls sounded sexy.  Cash is sexy, pressure causes acne and 50 page rants about parking spaces being too small at the Mall of America.  Plus like my job on the weekend, and similar to doing recaps I will feel like I'm contributing to something.  A small part, just like at the PokerStarsBlog, but a part that fills a need for readers nonetheless. 

I'll never be the phoenix, the BMOC, the lead actor, but rather I enjoy plugging in my two cents worth of sweat and watching something or someone become successful as a result. And to further my recent revival without hymns or born-again retreats its time to make it happen at work as well.

Oh, a quick personal note. 

Actually this has been all personal but the sentence came out and so it be. 

MR. APA managed to find enough right with my final paper after I researched the perfect APA-formatting template to fit my unneccessarily neatly crafted eight page research on job retention and I aced it.  A third straight Dean's List and 20 free tokens at Chuck E. Cheese IS MINE!



An Excuse to Post a Keeley Hazell Picture

Four days to Vegas. Interest ramping, sleeping failing, full-blown porn slapper euphoria soon-to-come.

Anyone need a job? (NOT a cruel April Fools Joke, I'll leave that to the pros):

Lead Business Analyst:

Masters degree in Mathematics or Statistics
Minimum 6-8 years business experience
Minimum 3-4 years SAS experience
Proven problem solving, analytical, listening and communication skills
Ability to manage ambiguity
Demonstrated organizational, planning, and time management skills
Proven ability to collaborate with all partners
Ability to establish direction and manage team workload
Ability to drive change and execute

Let me know if there's any quadratic g33k's out there who are interested.

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If you don't read Kissing Suzy Kolber for NFL news, make this post of a Tom Brady, Gisele, and Bridget threesome your first post.

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Add aerobics instructor to list of people you should never utter the words "you're not challenging me".

My hopes are the bottle of ibuprophen I'll be downing today quell half of the pain as I whine like a 4-year old with a hangnail.

In case you need to know this is what an aerobics instructor may look like (click thru to see pics):

Eye For an I

The Red Sox lose and 99% of the baseball loving public applauds. Except for Las Vegas sportsbooks who offered odds of 200-1 or more for the Rays to win the World Series. Anyone take a flyer on these guys while in Vegas for the NCAA tourney?

Roy Williams spent last night dancing on stars, strip club table tops, and probably took double J’s private jet as quickly as possible to the Lone Star State to join the Cowboys. Unfortunately for the Lions their future building block of finally having two first-round all-pro caliber wide receivers that don’t suck on the field at the same time was now given yet another 1st round draft pick to waste on the next over-rated pass catcher who had some great NFL Combine times and wonderlic scores that prove he went to Remedial Three-Sided Geometry and Basic Basket Weaving class more then once a week.

Did Matt Millen sneak back into his office?

Adam Jones. Overhyped, can’t hold his liquor, and has a temper control that rivals my two year old that was just told she can’t stay up to watch the Dora the Explorer double feature on Nick Jr. At least Pacman still has his eyesight unlike this unfortunate nudie club patron that no longer has a reason to go back after losing sight in both eyes due to two separate fights over three months at the same club. Maybe he should have tipped Clarissssa a little more before getting her 8 inch heel in the ocular area after getting drunk off three Odouls and calling her flat chested?

Now, that takes talent and poses the question: is there a reason for him to return to that (or any) strip club? Perhaps just to smell the stripper perfume or the lunch buffet and 2 for 1 happy hour specials? May his mother will just bring home a warm six-pack of Schmidt and a pack of Reds from now on versus causing anymore trouble at her workplace.

Snip, Cut, and Swat

Al comes through in pornorific fashion...

... after I get my snip so I can't truly appreciate the fine semi-naked body of Zack Morris' girlfriend. Thank you sir, and bless your Google abilities to find the boobies.

Chatted with the doc for twenty minutes about poker while he poked and his semi-attractive female assistant flicked my dick like a kitten with a catnip swat toy, maybe she was preventing it from hitting the floor. I choose to stay in the prone position laying down without looking because two people playing around with the jewels at the same time was a first, too bad the novacaine and the fact one was a male with sharp neddles and a beard put a damper on the experience.

Yesterday was the longest I played online poker since my bonus whoring days and managed to make a nice score on the NLO8 and PLO8 tables at Stars and Full Tilt.

Now its time for breakfast in bed :) Have a good weekend folks!

Things Not To Put On Your Dick: Part 2

While visiting a local Buffalo Wild Wings and my son enjoying the video game plastered right into the booth, we managed to have a meal together that didn't end with having to change anyone's clothes or apologize to the waitress for recreating the Normandy Invasion around the table using ketchup, spilled milk, and various bits of food that daughter deemed unworthy of digestion.

However, Wyatt had to use the restroom and after downing the gallon size pops you get dinner there (despite FREE REFILLS!) we all resigned to the bathroom.

Unfortunately for my lower region under my Cap'n Morgan boxers, I had used just a common napkin while extracting the unholiness hotness from my fingers that is injected into those "Blazin" wings and as I gave it a last shake the burn came on. I was left to suck it up as rinsing my dick off in the sink may have attracted unwanted male attention (not that there's anything wrong with that), not to mention explaining to my son why his father looked like Lucas after putting on the loaded jock strap without a bird bath nearby to put out the flame.

I think I have issues.

Have a good weekend folks, and good luck to those shooting for the big bucks in the FTOPS tourneys!

Minty Dreams

I guess my two million spam votes paid off to get Lohan voted Maxim's Hot 100 top chick.

Guess the sandwiches finally worked.

Since there was zero poker played after throwing out my shoulder last night at softball, I have a question to all:

Who do you think masturbates more on a weekly basis?

a) High school virgin

b) A recently out-of-work porn star

c) A married man/woman

d) A man/woman just recently dumped from a long-term relationship

e) Your dog that is not Bob Barker approved by having him spayed or neutered.


Thanks for dropping by, now I intend on making at least the final table tonight to make up for my third-time-in-a-row out of the points finish in the Hoy, while slinging cards tonight at the Mookie for the BloggerPokerChallenge.

Fear the nurse.

And Mike... I'd like to tackle this, due to the perfect weather we've had for the past week. Despite my sub-standard skillz I have some ideas rolling around for it.