In the Funhouse with Donkeys

Nothing like trying to get some sleep and get popped out of bed because you downloaded the original Super Mario Brothers from NES on the Wii and your son needs help knocking the bridge out from under Bowser.

At least I don't have a poker whine for the masses today, rejoice! I thank Otis for his ability to look inward at poker despite the daily shouts from Ty Pennington's bullhorn while his Extreme Home Makeover is going on. Also, KuroKitty's find of an Ed Miller post on why you should be playing poker is a great read for those who rest on their winrates and victories versus examining why you fire up four tables at PokerStars everynight.

Short Answer: It should be fun

Tonight is always fun because I add alcohol to the mix, but why should I have to rely on Captain Morgan to make those two outers sting less? I've played the game for quite a while and should be at the tables because I want to be, versus the chance to feel superior because I've read a few books and gotten sage advice from several players that have helped over the years. My goal isn't a dollar amount (although with the summer coming up and my wife not working much it would help) but rather I'd like to be able to stare at any combination of cards that fall and walk away with nothing more then a polite nod and an honest "gg" towards the other player, win or lose.

And if that doesn't happen there's always Guitar Hero to jam to or view Lindsay Lohan pics to help Burt's Bee make some money (its not just for feet...).

Any baseball gurus out there help me with this Fantasy Baseball thing (that are not currently taking my money of course)? What kind of players should I be looking for on the free agent market? Should I try to trade for a heavy hitting team and leave my pitchers weak? Does Selsum Blue really control your dandruff?

Poker. Tonight. Riverchasers. Cheers to Al, hope he's doing well (saving up for the Bash is a current goal)

Snow Snow Go Away Come Back Never

I want to be Matt Leinart. Make globs of money, nail ASU co-eds while rehabing injuries, and have two all-pro WRs waiting in case you decide to take this playing football thing seriously. Visit The Dirty.com (probably NSFW) for the pics.

So, who's coming over to my place this weekend to shovel the driveway?

I offer homemade chocolate chip bars, two adorable kids that will serve drinks with a smile their mother gave them, and all the Guitar Hero you can handle! If bored from Tom Morello kicking your ass, you can always toss the malcontent fat cat to see if he always lands on his feet.

This weekend I was supposed to be enjoying the first 18 holes of the year with a good friend that recently returned from Iraq. Mother nature decided that April wasn't soon enough to close down winter for the year so we'll be stuck playing poker all-night, followed by micro-stakes Euchre while chasing down Bacon McGriddles in the morning instead of plunking golf balls off woodland creatures due to a slice that would have David Feherty wondering why you like to light money on fire by buying golf clubs and paying green fees.

BBT3 rolls on to the Mookie this evening which I will not be playing in. After my snapping in the girly chat box last night it was clear I need a rest until drunken poker night tomorrow.

Gayness Minus the Pink Shirt

I thought of something that Badblood mentioned while pondering on four decades of life, happened last night before I went out just before the cash in the Hoy.

Friends.

People who I've met in the past near four years of mind-numbing hand histories and figuring out how many licks of Cap'n Coke does it take to put Drizz in a wheelchair.

People in the chat box and invisible internet friends popping an "Good Luck!" in the IM-girly chat machine for someone who's had a rough run playing this little card game.

For that I humbly thank you, and welcome your dead money tonight in the Skillz and Bodonkey :)

A Dribble Through the Legs

I promise more Vegas, less gloom in the upcoming weeks, as being called out by Waffles is telling me something.

Still awaiting a comfirming word on the special announcement I have brewing but should it not come to fruitation it was an honor to be asked.

Last night was the closest I've gotten to a cash at the Hoy, dropping in 11th with no "beats" to speak ill of nor any real asshats in the chat. Lucko's friend played very well, and kept me off-balance until I had to take a stand with a probable coin flip. I don't know who won at the end but hat tip to the new guy.

Who had a worse collapse? Bill Buckner's Legs, The Twins Bullpen yesterday, or Memphis bricklayers in the final minutes of that game last night?

If you only say it was a great comeback by Kansas, I should direct your attention to the 1-10 shooting in the final minutes where just one of those buckets nullifies that nicely set three point shot at the end of regulation. It shouldn't have even gotten there, much like some fish playing 83o for his stack with no pair, no draw and hitting runners to crack your big pair. Kudos to Kansas for taking advantage of this horrible display playing not-to-lose by Memphis. They had that kill in their eyes for the first part of the second half and lost it.

Pauly's Truckin' rolls through this month I suggest dropping all TPS reports and shredded NCAA brackets to head over for some prose that flows without the hangover and gravel mouth in the morning.

Truckin' - April 2008, Vol. 7, Issue 3
And we're back with the latest issue of Truckin'...!

1. Bong Hits with Rachael Ray by Paul McGuire My body sinks into the couch as soon as Rachael Ray comes on the screen. Rachael Ray's smile is intoxicating and any mentioning of EVOO sends orgasmic chills throughout my entire body. And when she grabs a fistful of meat, I wet myself.... More

2. Magpies Are Better Than That, All Wright? by Sigge S. Amdal Birthdays never set well with me. Today so many days ago I was shoved head first through the vagina of a woman I didn't even know at the time, radically interfering with her and her husband's sex lives, economical situation, causing nothing but general dismay for half a year before they finally got used to me... More

3. Skinny Dipping for Christ by Betty Underground At the other end of the pool a barefoot young woman, steps to the edge of the pool. Slender. Blonde with alabaster skin. Flawless. Angelic. She steps out of her skirt and pulls her t-shirt over her head. Standing naked, starring down into the pool, still lit from below... More

4. Axel by Kajagugu My plea trailed off at the end as he put the car in gear and we took off. He pulled a quick left hand u-turn out of the hotel taxi line across six lanes of traffic and barely missed a young lady on her bicycle... More

5. Happiest Place on Earth by Grand Master Pants Anyone can toss singles onto the stage, but she'd already mastered the art of tipping with style by stuffing dollar bills down her shirt, where the dancers had to be a little more, uh, creative in retrieving them... More

Kyra Speaks About Potty Training

A word from a potty training child:

"If you are a male and going to piss in a public restroom stall, I would be most graceful after telling my father four different times that I have to go while he's enjoying a perfectly crafted queso chicken burrito that he doesn't have to spend time each time its a false alarm cleaning up your inability to lift the seat in the upright position thus eliminating your porn star cum shot aiming deficiency of your tiny two inch dick that can't hit the water."

"It would also prevent daddy from teaching me new four letter words."

Kyra Vegas (Age 2)

Battle of the UIGEA

If you're even just an avid online poker player, make sure you're following the UIGEA discussions that are bounding around the internets.

Otis once again is leading the charge with a great live blog/discussion and here are a few more links below:

PokerNews.com

PokerPlayersAlliance.com

Cardplayer.com

Several of the testimonies are found at YouTube, like this one from Harriet May and our biggest supporter Barney Frank

Edit: Oh Captain pointed out an excellent recap of the proceedings (which after watching most of the videos makes more sense now) Thank you Short Stacked!

Another Day, Another Asshat

pvanharibo: brutal
Drizztdj: I hate poker
Perticelli55: i knew it was coming...
Drizztdj: good night
PokahDave: glad I folded my AK
Perticelli55: if i didnt know, i wouldnt call..lol
Drizztdj: "I knew it was coming"?
Perticelli55: i knew
Perticelli55: lol
Astin: I guess folding my 3rd T assured that
Perticelli55: sweet

Crack my aces a mere 20 minutes into the Riverchasers, fine. Gloat about it? Seems to becoming the norm at these BBT3 tournaments.

Even my patience is wearing thin.

Doing the Bull Dance

My wife says its a tie who lasts longer, but I don't get paid to go longer then 8 seconds. In my defense, I have video proof that I can go nine seconds like a rock star (Yahoo key words: key west bull riding video).

Twins came out of the gate like Barbaro in the opener and fell like him as well over the past two games, managing just one run and wasting a great start by unknown to me Nick Blackburn. Carlos Gomez continues to look the part of promising young star in hopefully fading the trade of our ace to the Mets. If only our hyped and recently pumped full of cash middle of the lineup would do some damage, the Twins might make a run this fall.

Good way to waste $60? Open your computer to find out the fantasy baseball draft was three days ago while your self-exile from the virtual felt normally would have had you playing and not having to remember the time such things (my apologies April, but you still owe me $400 for your Longhorns flop-tactular play vs. Memphis). Self-proclaimed pink shirt and gay porn lover DP cheats and currently leading the pack, I need an "I win" button like him. Actually I'd need more help then that as my fantasy skillz rival those of Waffles picking a six team NFL parlay.

Poker blogger riffs? Check out Jordan's poker-blogging-Denis-Leary-channeling post "Assholes to Honey". My take, newer bloggers just don't get it yet. The expectation that because you have a poker blog that you're some world-class player is asking for a Whopper at McDonald's stupid (unless your Chuck Norris of course). We write about poker, and the stories behind the winning and yes losing. StB hits this subject with his "Circles of Poker Blogging Hell" series, a great synopsis of the current state of our little community of degenerate players.

It would be sad to see it crumble with all the good its brought to several people who have benefited thru actual play, the globs of free stuff thrown at us (hat tip to Al and Smokkee just to name a few), and most importantly the friendships which personally helped me to get out of the whirlpool I was getting sucked down and now am living a different life because of it (one year since I got my license back!!). A life full of hope and future, versus worrying about the past and what argument is going to pop up next.

Enough of the huggling. Riverchasers tonight, I'm putting the line at 35th and above for my finish this evening. Anyone for a small prop bet? :)

Partially Clothed Drizz

Damn Canucks can’t keep their choppers off our land! For those ever needing to meet nature by getting slapped by a fresh trout, mosquitoes, and experience those layers of cube monkey stress stripping off like lead paint chips, visit Ely, Minnesota. Go to the tourist route and lock down a resort cabin for the week or hike/canoe/camp in the Boundary Waters and your inner Paul Bunyan will thank you.

Since I’m battling debits and credits versus a five pound smallmouth bass this morning on Lake Vermillion, how about some poker! My greatness of getting my money in behind several times yesterday at the Bodoggie (which bumped me to 6th place overall), likely inspired future 2+2-esqe, 400 page reference guides to poker. To be fair I only CALLED twice while behind and that was a decision based upon the wall clock showing an odd digit and the fact I wouldn’t be knocked out if I lost. The rest of the silly river cards in my favor showed that maybe a little luck can shine in on a otherwise dark time of playing this card game.

Want to know what real feeling towards this game is, Otis spins his tale and opens his inner poker player soul for those to see. If you feel even a percentage of that way about the game while losing, you’re on your way to becoming a complete player. Aside from knowing the math, having the feel, or studying your opponents from across the felt virtual and real; just being able to play the game at its base when money isn’t the primary driver, will get you past the “sick sick sick rivers” and see the game what its for.

A battle. Luck. Gambit. Traps. And yes, skill.

I bemoan about luck in great length here, yet the game provided me with some last night because I chose to play in a manner that allowed me to channel it if just for one evening. It’s not a comfortable way to play, but if you’re sitting at a cushy corporate job with little to no stress and even less responsibilities, perhaps you can relate that you’ll only gain what is given to you versus going outside of that snuggly flannel blankey and try to be upwardly mobile on the corporate ladder.

Thanks for dropping by, now get your Mookie on tonight as the BBT3 continues to roll over my meager bankroll like Spud Webb trying to defend the lane against Shaq.

Appropriate Usage of the English Language #29

If the wife is in charge of the alarm clock and does not fulliful her duty of setting said device on a day you have a meeting downtown with some higher ups and should try to look a shade better then just-finished-a-bachelor-party-weekend-in-Vegas.

What do you say to the wife to assure you're not upset that some Ivy League MBA with a fresh pedicure and fresher line of sarcasm is going to stare at your stubble instead of listening to a proposal?

I opted for "its fine" with nary a hint of sharpness. I'm sure other scribes out there have faced such a decision whether to let their inner Waffles out on a small error such as this.

Poker advice of the day: Words you want to hear "I didn't think he was that big"

Spring Eternal

Who ever said it was Spring owes me a frostbitten toe and a fifth of Mad Dog 20/20. And the snow is continuing to fall.

At home with the kiddies today, just hopping on to say congrats to BigMike on the Big Game win!!

I'm sure flames are out there on his play, but fuck em' good luck in the TOC Mike!

Omaha Tip #27

No matter how hard you try, Q7 doesn't make a straight in Omaha, even if your BAC matches your age.

Slip N' Slide on Poo

"Daddy we packed your Cap'n Organ and beer just to make you proud of me"

- Wyatt before leaving for the waterpark

God bless kids.

Worth every tantrum, and milk spills the remainder of the time at the hotel/waterpark. Not the most relaxing way to spend time with the kiddies but a night filled with NCAA basketball while seated next to the Osseo Gymnastic squad parents and flexible high schoolers (class of 2012!!!!) made up for the potty training distasters we had before sliding down the same banana colored ramp for a few hours.

I caught some exciting news this weekend in the realm of poker which I hope to share in the near future, but lets just say this something I never dreamed of.

Lazy River Break

Aggression in poker is brilliant only if you don't have to turn over your cards :)

Thanks for making poker fun again that I can laugh at myself.

Off for the weekend for a mini-getaway at a hotel with a waterpark for the two tax deductions so no drunk poker for yours truly as I'm leaving all electronics at home except maybe my iPod to relax in the hot tub or lazy river. Good luck to those playing in the Riverchasers this evening, may your pairs be big, and your ill-timed bluffs suck out like a champ.

Young at Heart

To start your morning right, everyone loves a good hockey fight. Its even better when goalies get involved, but what if you're the son of a NHL net-minding legend? You end up on ESPN Sportscenter.

And one more radio ad with the “Canadian” sounding guy telling me how crisp and refreshing Kokanee beer is, will get cross check to the face with my massive Nordic forearm. Yes, Canadians say “hoser” and “eh” WE GET IT ALREADY. Do marketing people seriously find humor in what isn’t funny? Double dip-shit points for those who pay these people to infect my ear drums on a daily basis with these purid, flannel wrapped sound bites. Your executive dollars would be better spend chasing high priced call-girls around penthouse suites while having them call you He-Man to her She-Ra or flip the switch if you’re the women exec.

Betty’s post yesterday inspired me to take a look at my relationship. No, I won’t be hopping into bubble-filled hot tubs soon (despite owning one) and posting erotic stories as a married man of eight years who lives like middle-income suburban white trash, my sexual excitement comes from a free weekend of Cinemax. I'm trying to see the reason why me and my wife don’t connect at times. I am the child of the relationship. I want to be a Toys R’ Us kid. I want to be Peter Pan. I want the crust cut off my PB&J. And I don’t understand why she doesn’t want the same, and my pushing sometimes drives a wedge between us. Party in Malvern, PA? Book me a flight!! Stay up all night playing cards? Who’s holding the two bowers with the ace again (that's euchre for those who haven't had the pleasure of playing down at the VFW for quarters)!! Dial-a-shots? Handle sitting right next to me!!

People at work also wonder why I have a smile on my face most of the time at all hours of the day. My cat didn’t die, my car runs on all cylinders, and I have two legs that work pretty well despite some old hockey injuries that make it a little painful at times. The child in me of course goes into hiding when having to teach Wyatt that it’s not ok to break toys and hauling him up to Target with his Thomas the Tank Engine bank in hand to replace his sister’s toy.

Are my expectations too high that I want to have fun instead of worrying about how you’re going to feel Monday morning? I see someone fun inside of her, yet only get to see a glimpse of what used to be at times. Parenting is not easy, parenting wears down on a person with every thrown bit of pork chop/veggie/potatoes and argument about who had it first, but should it alter you so much that you lose your identity?

I ask myself constantly, am I the one who needs to grow up and fly away from Neverland to grow old, or is it too much to expect her to grow young again?

Just want to thank Bodog for dropping Josh Arieh and $100 into our series even if it was just for a brief while (I think I made the points last night after a brilliant play late with trash got me knocked out before the money). Mookie tonight for those Battle of the Blogger tournaments sadist who haven’t had enough of a beat down yet.

Drifting on the Calm Sea

Day 272 -

The coconuts, while good when I first got here, now have become an annoying regularity. Much like those frozen Chicken Kievs my mom used to buy in bulk which would turn me ill from the mere mention of the word now. I have befriended a softball that washed ashore and named him Mizuno because I always wanted an Asian friend. He is kind and listens as I ramble on about how I miss my kids and wife and all the free cheerleader up-skirt porn.

My pale skin is slowly getting used to the blistering heat but still shows the damage that extreme whiteness against harsh UV rays with the lack of SPF 120 can do. Will I ever find out what is down the hatch, I do not know. I hear people chanting in the deep jungle at night, yet they do not bother me. Probably because they hear me chanting bad beat stories in my sleep.

It is with great hope that the Professor and the Skipper will be able to return us home soon using giant conch shells and bat guano. My lust of bending over Mrs. Howell on a bed of moss grows by the day as I try to remain faithful to my wife of nearly eight years. And I'll drop my journal entry here as my return to civilization depends on realizing if there's an island at all, and how I willingly came here myself through my own mind after a mental breakdown caused by the evil RNG at Full Tilt and PokerStars.

Perhaps tonight I will cast the makeshift raft and sail back to reality, with dreams of a WSOP seat or enjoy yet another good night's sleep from not having to worry if I played those Jacks correctly near the bubble of the Blogger Skillz Series game or Bodoggie.

Peace.

And if you're late to the party, go check out Al's site for yet another shot at a $2K seat just for bloggers!

EDIT: If you've recently received email from Full Tilt's security people, make sure you read Poker Gnome recent post about a scam that is going on.

Squirrels on Midol

It didn't happen. Lost my last buy-in to a fun group of bloggers.

Poker is done for this week and possibly for a good length of time, except I might pop in on the Bodoggie a few times ( this week with Josh Arieh and $100 bounty on his head!) and one or two Battle of the Blogger tourneys.

A torrid stretch that has left me with online scraps that have really hurt my time at home and the office.

I'm taking the game too seriously again and resign myself to chasing purple coins on Super Mario Galaxy at the request of a four year old, or flicking off Tom Morello every time he defeats me on Guitar Hero. Or my new/old found habit of falling asleep with a R.A. Salvatore novel like last night while watching UNC destroy the Razorbacks and watching my last place bracket in Pauly's pool continue to get worse (but I do have the most possible points should some miracle occur).

This weekend we went to stake our cabin lot out for the pending delivery of the new love shack and found a woodland creature transformed herself into a 3-inch wide drill bit and bore a good sized hole into our shed. I say herself because only a woman with PMS after seeing her Chip come home with the intoxicating aroma of baby powder and Jack Daniels with glitter on his crotch, could have worked up the anger neccessary to do this.

Next time I'd hope this lady-folk could find a different outlet for her temper as the clean up and repair will take up time normally reserved for dripping rum over ice cubes and Coke while double snunking my wife in a game of cribbage.

On the bright side of the ledger, we took the kids with us to the cabin for an easter egg hunt the park was putting on at 10:30am. Unfortunately, due to road conditions better suited for mid-December we arrived at 10:40am and got the same answer as someone trying to order an Egg McMuffin after the pre-determined time of switching from breakfast to lunch. Despite having only a few more teeth then your favorite National Hockey League thug, her kindness of dropping by our place about 15 minutes later with a Cub's Food marked bag full of plastic eggs that rattled with coins and chocolates put some faith back into me.

Thanks for dropping by, now hit up the Hoy tonight as the last week to get that first $2,000 seat to the WSOP is up for grabs.

Its Not Getting There...

... but it didn't suck either



At least it was in an event that I'm supposed to know something about.

Also cashed in the Daily Double and close in the 28K. Maybe my 52oz Cap'nCokes are lucky?

One Last Dance

I should have added "this month" to my short verbage of needing to quit, stemming from yet another head-on-brick-wall night.

After an extended losing streak two years ago, I thought I could weather through just about any losses or "beats", but after two months of the same shit every night I realized I'm just not strong enough to play through it. The final blow was similar to last week's Dookie when someone decided to play any four cards for a significant amount of chips and went runner runner to crack me. Then some comments of "BOOOOOOOOOOM" and "classic" were spewed in the chat which just salted the wound. Meaningless of course, classless maybe, but they couldn't know how badly I've been kicked around, and they shouldn't even care. Having fun should be why you play unless your mortgage depends on it, and right now I'm not having that fun.

I suppose I could let the venom shoot on this page about the non-textbook play but there's no up side to it, people were just having fun at my expense, its happened my whole life I just deal with it and move on to the next TPS report. But to watch people win in such a manner over and over takes the fun away, the competition, the reason I play in the first place. So congrats to whoever that was last night, and thank you for opening my eyes to what poker really is.

Timing and luck.

I give myself more lottery tickets getting my money in "ahead" more often then not as analogy by Doyle was said a couple of years ago, but without some good timing and luck your bankroll will tank just like mine has, almost to the point where cashing out entirely (which is not that much anymore) and walking away have started to creep into my thoughts. If you don't believe poker is timing and luck then I seriously implore you to look into your game. Granted you can make "great reads" and "level 15 type plays" after pouring over PokerTracker stats, 2+2 and PocketFive posts, pay-for-coaching poker videos, game theory tomes, and the countless poker books out there, but if your read is entirely off you can end up looking no better then a penny game pro that watched Bill Fillmaff videos for expert poker play (he does rock).

Timing is everything.

If I can't be funny during the day at work or while flipping Kyra over my shoulder, there's something seriously fucked up and like I mentioned yesterday if the black cloud slithered into my personal life, I'd quit for awhile.

Tonight will be my last test. Thursday night has always been my "fun" night of poker with plenty of girly chat, freeflowing drinks and non-"serious" poker. Should my Full Tilt bankroll dip below a pre-set amount, then I'll be hanging it up for the balance of the month and start again fresh in April playing at lower limits which is going to take some serious ego suppressing as I've never gone backwards in limits in nearly four years.

Edit: Just found this. Minnesota's second card club, Running Aces Harness Park, is finally going live!!! Hopefully the online poker gods leave me enough scraps to visit on opening day April 11th.

Tagged at 10,000 Feet

Since I do not wish to invoke the wraith of a certain A-lister, no poker talk other then the two blogger tourneys last night went as expected.

I’ve been meme’d, tagged, branded, and dragged across a box of broken Coke bottles and hot coals to write about 7 random facts about myself from he-who-climbs-tall-things. I used to climb tall things as well, but that was in college and I’m sure she smelt better then a crew of mountain climbers at 10,000 feet.

Ok, seven facts about me:

1) My wedding party consisted of four out of the six women I’ve seen in various stages of undress and not in the passing-by-a-dressing-room type way either. My sister is not included in the three (that were not wearing the white wedding gown) you pervert, and I remain friends with all of them, even my wife!

2) I once got so drunk in Vegas at the Imperial Palace I end up in a wheelcha… oh wait you’ve heard that one. One night while in Myrtle Beach, SC I took aim at a boxing video game in the boardwalk arcade, and knocked it so hard I set a record and won some stuffled animal (not bad for a 120 pound waif like me). Unknowingly, I fractured my hand which meant sitting out the remainder of the baseball season as the #1 starting pitcher and batting 3rd for my state tourney bound Senior Babe Ruth team. Since my father was none too happy he wouldn’t let me get it set in a cast for two weeks, in which I attended a Stone Temple Pilots/Flaming Lips outdoor concert complete with mosh pit (that hurt). It tickled a little bit when the doctor had to “reset” it (rebreaking it in two places) because it was trying to heal by the time I was allowed to go in.

3) While going to Edgefest, a concert series put on by a Minnesota radio station, across the border in Wisconsin for reasons unknown to the author as I don't claim to be an expert on all things musical. I mistook a bend of the highway the wrong way on the backward-ass backroads of Wisconsin (no, I was not drinking at the time) and sent my pimpin' white Mazda 626DX Dukes of Hazard style over a hill complete with that VAAROOOOOOM noise (yes, a car does make that noise when jumping its not a soundtrack) narrowly missing large metal stakes and flying Coke cans and speaker covers from the trunk that would totaled the car and people inside. I did receive a standing ovation from four cars whom went down the side of the hill “the correct way” and when we got to Float-Rite park I promptly downed enough gin and juice to pass out on the roof top since the line didn’t allow us into the park that night and met up my future wife the next morning.

4) I am ambidextrous. Ya hear that ladies? Get your peppermint lotion bottles lined up.

5) Being geekish, while in high school and middle school, I won awards at Accounting and Math competitions. But, if you were to ask me to find “X” in some long ass equation, I’d probably blink then give you the same thousand mile stare you got back from that impossibly hot Jennifer Aniston look-a-like trying to ask her to the prom (who’s naked sitting cross-legged picture fashioned my wall for years*).

6) Between my three siblings we have received three speeding tickets in our life. All three of them have been while bringing my mother on a casino trip. Running good, runs in the family.

7) I once went on a 48-hour casino bender (three dollah blackjack and quarter bets on plastic race horses is ballin! HOLLA!) it went so long that I had to go straight from the casino to college to take a Business Ethics final exam that made up half of my grade. Failing would have taken away my college funding. I got a B+ despite studying in the car, while driving on snow-slicked roads. Maybe I do run good!

I'll stop it here. But if those with far more exciting lives wish to contribute please do so.

* Anyone with awesome Google-skillz find the picture??

Edit: Mookie wins at the internets again. Although Otis found one I didn't know existed and will have to explore further at home.

Big Ginger Delights

Much more cute then listening to my seemingly endless droning about bad cards coming out.

Thanks to Rama and my brother for a great night in mists of downtown Minneapolis. The Local was packed to the gills but thanks to my brother and some VIP seating above the joint with Cities97, I was able to enjoy some great bar grub (a tad on the pricey side) and a couple of Big Gingers without getting slobbered on by some Hurley from "Lost" looking wanna-be Irish douchebag with a "Fuck me I'm Irish" shirt and topped off with crocheted Erin Go Braugh doily on his head.

Then with my expert downtown navagation system complete with text messages to Rama and asking for directions from the hottest girls in the line outside The Local, I made way to Rock Bottom Brewery for much cheaper bar fare at a very nice locale. The micro-brewed stout was top notch, and with a chatty barkeep that had just the right amount of gab, made for a pleasant evening. Note to self: Make money at Gentile Summit playing Rama at bar video games.

I tried Pauly's suggestion of upping my positive karma by sliding a homeless woman a dollar on the way back to my car, but was greeted by yet another beat no more then 10 minutes after I fired up a couple of tables to check on who was still left in The Hoy. Variance, please end soon, while I enjoy the wake up call that my "game" is not all that plus a bag of chips, the dark cloud is starting to leak into family/work life and once that happens I'll make the surest bet of all.

Not playing at all.

But, I will be firing up the Bodoggie (8:05CST at Bodoglife.com) and BBT3 Event Blogger Skillz Game (8:30CST at Full Tilt) tonight because I'm a lemur and most of all, I'd like to return to the WSOP this year.

Erin Go Splat

Even in a drunken haze, I should have known better to post about having a winning session as I managed to win Sunday morning and lose all my profit then post a nice sized loss from this weekend plus blow a fuse.

At least I'll be able to donate a little more to healthy boobs at Al's site due to a little SnG challenge we gave each other. At least its a better cause then the way I've been attempting to play poker.

I blame me, myself, and that little voice in my head that told me it was a good idea to come back to the tables and ride the hot streak versus getting badly needed sleep. Any chance for a do-over?

On a bright note... I will be down at The Local with my brother and hopefully a fellow bi-annually posting poker blogger having a Big Ginger or two before the St. Patty's parade on Nicollet. But, since this is Minnesota, how about a half foot of snow for the festivities! Might have cut my Erin Go Braughing time in favor for getting home in one piece.

Take advantage of the drunk buses if you're going out tonight.

Breakfast Tips #521

No, that wasn't peanut butter left on your finger after eating your english muffin/sausage sandwich.

Parenthood is rough, look-a-like peanut butter is rougher. I think I'll go down the rest of my handle of Captain Morgan now.

Winning Is Funner Then Losing

I may be a drunk donk up at unknown hours but would like to acknowledge the fight Mr. Dank put into his heads up battle for a TOC seat tonight. Why I'm playing PLO8 on Bodog after grinding the Full Tilt games is fully the Cap'mn working.

Drunken Drizz thoughts:

Why do women claim to want sex then shy away once the opportunity arises?

If you know you're ahead do you push anyway despite holding a healthy stack?

Choice between sex on the beach and getting a blow job while driving which do you chose?

If you can figure out why I'm up at this hour please tell me because Sportcenter is sucking the fun out of these horrible online games.

When is it my turn? Frankly Scarlett, I don't give a damn, I'm having too much fun living again despite my daughter stripping and pissing on her bed for no reason in the middle of the night.

Am I a Fun Bobby from "Friends"? Naw, but its easier while hiding under the Cap'n. Seriously, would you drop by for a bonfire at my place and a couple of beers/drinks if no poker was played and I forced you to listen to my horrible attempts to pass on a song on Hard on Guitar Hero?

Bobby Knight is great even while not threatening college student-athletes with the blunt edge of a chair.

OMG the Gophers only won by 3 tonight? Tubby needs to man up for the Hilljackers.

Calling with trips in Omaha, not a +EV move but fits my mood at the moment.

If I have more money at a $50 table then a $100 table is that bad?

Should my wife look down at me if I like sex more then her? How do I let her know?

Run to the hillllllllllllllllllls. Run to the hillllllllllllllllllls. God bless Iron Maiden, and pity to that kid in StB's story that didn't know them.

If you're tall and tell people you suck at basketball, should they believe you? If you saw my jump shot you'd be amazed.

Is it ok to enjoy golf and sex and be utterly confuzzled about both?

Is it ok to like big butts and deny the other brothers?

Will you still love me tomorrow?

I may have pissed this guy off, but do I care?

BIG NEWS!!!!!1111: My Guitar Hero friends number is: 524100729989

If you have Wi-Fi hooked up to your Wii, prepare for shreddage MinnesOOOOOOOOOOOtan style. Ok, I suck but at least I can get away with saying UBetcha with a straight face.

The Scott Fischman Gambit

I’m a proponent of the “its your money, do what your want” with it. Wanna buy some drugs, have at it and enjoy the trip. Going to purchase a Jenna Jameson three holed, life like sex doll complete with special ass grease for those tight spots, rock her world with those 3.5 inches. Enter a poker tournament and don’t take it seriously, its only money and glad you had your entertainment.

Last night I got bumped from both the Mookie and Dookie by people who had no regards for the entry fee or the outcome. Seeing the ways my cards have been shot down with the consistency of someone playing Duck Hunt with the gun against the TV screen complete with that damn beagle dog laughing at you, it might have been the beginning of the end of trying to play these tourneys. But I’ve looked beyond “why the fuck didn’t I win” and more towards “I made the correct play, it didn’t work out”. If you ever want to take this game seriously you need to get there and not even allow yourself to wing your Full Tilt store bought headphones across the porch because someone though it was funny to play any two/four cards.

I still have a problem with a bad initial reaction, but I was able to finish up a slightly profitable night by not tilting off money at the cash games after reattaching the ears to the base of the headphones. Of course if my favorites would have come in, as my side of the coin was weighted in my favor, this post would be an afterthought and those players could go back to their regular games.

The BBT3 is offering too much to ignore, so onward I trudge through the next 40+ events looking for a shot at the Rio and WSOP again this summer.

Why Kids Rule #1453

Driving down 494 towards Ridgedale mall to go see the Easter Bunny and overpay for a snap shot of the little ones with said holiday rabbit.

A sudden log jam of cars ahead caused my pimpin' fire red minivan to slow to crawl and my wife asked "Can you see what's on the side of the road up ahead?"

I told her I could not.

Wyatt, who was auditioning for an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy, said deadpan:

"Are you blind??? There's snow and mud on the side the road". Then promptly returned to the Batman counting game on his Leapfrog with nary a snicker on his face.

If you ever want straight advice on anything from how fat your ass looks in that dress to the best way to get laid this evening. Ask your kid.

Sitting Frozen at the Plate

I don't know what's sicker. Watching my online poker account balances dwindel like a quarter pound bag of weed in an Amsterdam smoke house.

Or this curveball.



There's nothing really to say except each turn I take there's a cooler or "beat" that just pops up and I try to move on to the next hand. Last night I treaded water in the Hoy thanks to busting a short stack with Aces and a sprinkling of steals despite no other pairs. Half way thru the second hour, moved to a new table got my second pocket pair (TT), got re-popped pushed and ran into queens. I didn't even know nor cared who had it because my attitude towards the game right now is one of a husband suspecting his wife is cheating on him. Every situation has a hint of paranoia laced with a flat Natty Ice beer and finding a g-string in your wife's lingerie drawer knowing she's never worn a pair before.

Playing scared when you don't want to know the answers sucks.

A true test of a poker player is one of getting thru the lows with a bankroll and sanity intact. I lost my sanity long time ago, money is a poor substitute but at least it keeps me high in Chuck E. Cheese tokens and double penetration lesbian fisting porn.

Tonight's tilt will be induced by the Blogger Skillz series with another chance at an Omaha shot. I know the mine fields are deep and suckouts plentiful so shrink-wrapping my laptop will be a must before firing up the tourney tonight. And a better shot at a WSOP seat, for me at least, is the Bodog Blogger tourney starting up at 8:05 CST. Far from secure, but I'd hope with another win in the next 11 weeks I'll be close to locking up one of those 18 seats in the TOC.

TopUSACasinos.com Review

Prior to the UIGEA being slammed down the throat of all United States online poker and casino players there was thousands of bonus dollars for the taking out there. Simply by moving funds from site to site and playing a certain amount of blackjack hands or any game you might find at a casino you could earn hundreds or even thousands of dollars.

Enter TopUsaOnlineCasinos.com back into the mix. For those who missed the bonus chasing and slot play like myself it’s a great way to return to the online realm of roulette, craps, and baccarat.

Along with casinos, the site also looks in on the available USA-friendly Sportsbooks and online poker rooms (unfortunately it’s a little sparse as only Bodog.com and Rushmore.com accept US players). But, that’s better then nothing as sign up bonuses are there for the taking usually after a play-through requirement has been met.

Along with listing all available sites they also do the grunt work of rating and reviewing each site like this one for Club USA casino:

Club USA offers new players a bonus of $250. Run by industry leaders this casino is very trustworthy with guranette fast payout's.
They have over 60 online casino games for slot and blackjack players to to pick from. Club USA has reasonable odds with a payout percentage of 98.3%.
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If you’re from the US and miss the online casino action, be sure to check out TopUSAOnlineCasinos.com

This has been a paid advertisement.

Card Carrying Member of The Trailer Trash Coalition

For the first time in several years I can admit to worrying about having to move down in limits. Yet another weekend of black slush wiped across my screen as the tailspin towards busto doesn’t seem to have an end.

Since poker sucked all weekend and money is at an all-time low, why not go out and buy a $20,000 trailer? It seems like a level 21 move in Waffle’s Guide to a Maintaining a Poker Bankroll but the trailer is an investment that will pay off in smiles and good times versus watching yet another X number outer hit and end up getting mad at a computer screen which puts you on par with the jackhole that lays on his horn behind you in traffic because screaming through that barely yellow light on a 4-way intersection with a state trooper waiting to go across didn’t seem like a good idea.

Note to jackhole: You’d be better off tattooing “METH-ADDICTED HICK” on your forehead then displaying Calvin and Hobbs stickers pissing on NASCAR numbers and pigs doing it doggie style while dressed in Harley-Davidson gear on the back window of your F-150.

People suck.

From the fine people at Pleasureland RV who gave us a "great deal" (at least they were friendly and not pushy, offered free popcorn, passed on the Miss Trailer Trash 18 month swimsuit calendar) we got the below trailer at $6-$7K off the list price.

Drizz's new cabin digs.

Things that don't suck include the BBT3 starting back up tonight with the Hoy. Bring your token, leave your bad beats at the door because one more week of Aces getting cracked and I might just turn into one of those jaded folks that post hand histories and post about tinfoil-hat conspiracy theories that involve the Wright Brothers and the stuff that goes into the sausage patties at McDonald's.

Enjoy your Monday.

One Day You're the Champ...

... the next day you're a bad beat story.

Lost a $100 playing PLO8 with no spectacular stories, immediately turned off all five tables and by the time my head hit the pillow I was de-tilted and dreaming of getting pulled over for a ticket by a busty cop, and was told she'd need to take me back to her place to search for illegal weapons.

Corny, and cue up the 70s porn music.

Since I don't want to talk poker for the rest of the week unless some vortex allows me to weave through the Riverchasers field, here's a video of The Rooster's sparring partner to get him ready for Gentile Summit '08.

Working In the Paint

Like Jason Kidd I did drive the lane last night but fell short of the double double when I failed pay attention to both tourneys last night. Playing heads up in the Bodoggie against a very tough player in Emptyman and a Stud tourney at the same time without an alcoholic beverage to calm the nerves was like the work-time drive this morning through the light snow. Slippin’ and slide along, as even hardened Minnesotans found their steering wheels and gas pedals to be operating like Waffles with a monster tournament chip lead.

Kurokitty made me pay the price in the Stud tourney when I got jiggy with a high door card and ran face first into his buried Aces, bottom money but I’ll take it after the flame outs in the first two BBT3 events.



The second half the double double was completed with a finger roll, as I got lucky winning some flips while down 5:1 in chips heads-up for some badly needed Bodog tournament of champions points. I figure with this win I’ll have an above-average shot at making the TOC at Bodog and hopefully not have to sweat out making it in for a 1 in 18 shot at their swag-tastic WSOP package. People may hate on bloggers for being bad players but the community is the reason why we’re reaping the rewards from these sites. Sure Full Tilt, PokerStars, and Bodog get free links/publicity, but I remember times when just pulling up blogger.com and trying to sound like I knew something about the game or arranging words into metaphors for free was fun.



Blogging is still fun (notice I said “blogging” because I sure the hell wouldn’t call what I do “writing”), just now there’s some beer money on the side and a lot more faces in the crowd to call friends or retards for overplaying those split twos. Call your fellow blogger any name in the book if you please while trying to take their chips, but shake their hand and ask about their kids after the last two/four/seven cards go into the muck because I guarantee you, you’ll be better off both in friendship and at the tables.

This give-your-fellow-blogger-a-huggle-moment is sponsored by all those links on the right and the letter M which stands for the Mookie, this evening’s BBT3 tourney. Do I hear 100, 125, 150?

Crush.

Looking Past Spring Training

Rather then focus on another crappy exit from a poker tournament, how about some football?

Timberwolves have become Boston Celtic's West with about half the team formerly donning the green and white that stood for futility in recent years until the Big Ticket cashed in his Mall of America monorail pass for Beantown. A different Minnesota sports team, my beloved Vikes, decide that they would like to stock up on ex-Chicago Bears wide receivers. Some how they let Mushin Muhammad scurry back to the Panthers, but managed to snag someone who might be the final puzzle piece the Vikes need to make Brett Farve go back to slamming Jim Beam and Vicodin.

Going from one team with a bad quarterback to another isn’t going to help Bernard Berrian, but at least the Vikes front office is showing signs that they want to win despite a crappy stadium that won’t be upgraded for awhile due to the bridge repair plus the Twinkies new place that will hopefully have Liriano throwing the first 97mph heater in 2010.

Solid defense (when Winfield is healthy) and solid running game (when Purple Jesus is not giving sight to the blind and feeding the hungry with loaves and fishes) was just missing any sort of passing attack last season. Now the Vikes have two legit deep ball threats (Sidney Rice doesn’t suck), and a rushing tandem that is only matched by the Cowboy’s one-two punch of Barber and Jones. It’s all on Jackson to get the ball to this hefty 4th-highest paid receiver price tag and spare my TV from getting pelted by stress balls from online poker rooms every fall/winter Sunday.

In other news, poker still sucks. But the BBT3 doesn’t suck, so make sure you’re there tonight at the Blogger Skillz game for the next installment.

Edit: Farve retires? Heard it on the radio via a Jay Glazer report... anyone confirm this?

Just Get It Over With

I calmed my chi. Centered. I was a feather floating upon an unrippled lake.

I wouldn't have minded going out of the first Battle of the Blogger Tournaments version Drei last night had the board just ran out with the better hand winning in normal fashion. But, to flop me the nut straight and have near perfect-perfect come out and lose to a higher straight just topped off the worst weekend I've had bankroll-wise since I started playing four years ago.

Poker rant come and gone, not worth it because there's 54 more tournaments in this beast and I'll need all the patience I have left despite my daughter's new trick of ripping off her PJ's and pissing in her bed after going down for a nap/sleep at night. Anyone sell Dora the Explorer bedding sets in bulk?

Hoy is tonight. My participation will hinge on the temperature of my green chai tea and if one Transformers story is enough to send the little ones off, so daddy can blow their college funds on two outers.

Edit (inside to a few degenerates): Who won the horse race? I see two of my horses finished pretty high...

Live Blogging $50 HORSE with Keith Sexton!

Why am I here posting at night?

Because its time to go even further in the hole since 3-buy ins down isn't enough and my drink is on.

WhoWuddaThot: got lucky
SnailTrax: got lucky being born an idiot?

Yes, lets play a $50 HORSE SnG with Keith Sexton, Daddy, and DonkeyPuncher!

10:20pm Daddy's set of 4s falls to 32o that four flushes (see note above)

10:25pm Near double cash in the Daily Double thwarted when flush chaser over comes my top two for nearly his whole stack near the money. I hate poker deeply.

10:28pm Daddy's stacked in half by same idiot in O8 when quads hit the river

10:32pm SnailTrax: Hey, I've got Keith Friggin' Sexton outchipped. WhoWuddaThot: lol

10:38pm SnailTrax: Still can't belive the Full Tilt Store is giving up one-legged asian boys for 6,000,000 FTP. Talk about a deal. Dealer: moonbeams wins the pot (120)Dealer: Hand #5438494224 SnailTrax: Looks like the Mini Cooper will have to wait.

10:40pm Dealer: Hand #5438499268WhoWuddaThot: whew SnailTrax: Keith, what do you drive? Keith Sexton: batmobile Dealer: WhoWuddaThot shows two pair, Tens and FivesDealer: WhoWuddaThot wins the pot (1,460) with two pair, Tens and FivesSnailTrax: Sick.Dealer: Hand #5438507901 WhoWuddaThot: needed that SnailTrax: Do you have an implied odds calculator on your BatBelt?

10:41pm Still alive in DD1, not looking good for the cat

10:42pm All in with Queens, great someone wakes up with Kings and I bubble great fuckin night of poker

10:46pm DP is all in and doesn't catch up to AQo of the idiot, one blogger down

10:49pm Daddy is back with a rivered wheel in Stud H/L SnailTrax: That play reminded me of Keith Sexton in the '97 Series.

10:52pm I'm lowish on chips, Daddy is kicking some ass after his wheel

10:57pm rolled up fours in Razz, that's about how my night is going

10:59pm I get a little back with a bully calling my all in with a 9, I hit a smooth 6 to stay alive

11:04pm Captain Coke nearly gone and so are my chips, seriously considering no poker for the month of March, Daddy still solid in 2nd place

11:06pm Bubble time and yours truly is ass-backward in last, good thing me and Daddy swapped or this would truly suck ass bubbling

11:10pm Coooooooooooooooooold fuckin cards going with 456, and a double!

11:13pm holy double cash batman!! SEXTON IS TOAST!!

11:15pm another double as I avoid 15 million outs in Stud H/L, Daddy sitting on 3K, chip leader 7K, me 1.7K

11:19pm Beer/Cap'n piss and some Metal Shop rock to take this bitch home, I need some lovin'

11:21pm ANOTHER DOUBLE! 98s flops two pair gets called down by top pair no kicker

11:25pm Blinds getting up there at 150/300, I needs some lovin again

11:29pm No Omaha love as I flat line with trips vs. a straight

11:29pm Daddy out next hand to the luckbox, and we all sing in the yellow submarine full of cash except the losing 3 buy ins part which still sucks, time to go strum some Raining Blood on Guitar Hero.

Peace.

More Swings Then a Double Decker Driving Range

First off, a big thank you to Rakebrain.com and their representatives in yesterday's $500 freeroll (well $600 if you count LeCheese going LeGigli). I got cards to began with, lost a big coin flip to Moooooooooooookie with about six people left, and with the little ones jumping on me, couldn't find my "D" game and splashed a PLO pot with semi-connecting cards that couldn't beat Gunz's Trip Kings (who I'm happy to see chopped it up 4 ways congrats BadBlood, Mookie, and SeattleJohn!!!). I guess that made me the bubble boy again and my company will be sending a bill for a new monitor and PC to G-Vegas tomorrow. I did manage to outlast he-who-punches-donkeys and the BadgerBadgerBadger fan for a couple of bounties :)

Free beer > Free air

I would end the night back on the computer after promising myself some sleep for once. Second hand at a PLO8 cash game at Stars doubles me up. "Hmmmmmm, good decision to stay up" I think to myself. 15 minutes later I get it all in with top set on the turn with no flush possible versus a straight draw, draw hits. 45 minutes later my gazillion out draw doesn't come in and I'm down a buy in now.

A pop up for a 4-max PLO tourney appears, 4-max PLO????? That'll be quicker then me rubbing one off to those naked Lindsay Lohan pics. Five minutes after entering the tourney, I get stacked again holding top set of Kings on a rainbow board with the second nut low draw, he goes runner runner wheel, same guy. I shout things in his general direction and look for the cat to throw but found a PokerStars stress star instead and nearly throw it through the TV as cold things tend to be hard. 15 minutes after that, bye bye bye to stack again and I'll keep my dollar this time thank-you-very-much.

Meanwhile... I'm not sucking in the PLO tourney, get to $4K in chips left with blinds at $500/$1000, 20 players left and my two table mates have 35K and 36K respectively.

At least they did.

No, Hoy synopsis, nor Hoy-type dollars, just the facts sir. For a low rolling grinder like myself, a 2nd place while being down 10:1 to start heads-up and down 2.5 stacks in the cash games was as relieving as the first long beer piss of a fine drinking evening.

Drunk Trailer Trash > Drunk Poker

Had I not gone to the WSOP last year and seen up front the madness of the tourney, I would give serious thought to playing. I am however giving serious consideration to going out there for the PLO8 cash games on my own dime and give some hard working media-types a smile or two.

But, the trailer will give new memories for years to come whereas a dank chair and some clay chips next to strung out over-hyped ego-centric poker players would probably turn me off this game for good. I play to have fun and drink a little, not to acquire a sponsorship from a poker site (but if the makers of Captain Morgan wanted to send me... YARRRRRRRRRR!!)

Maybe its the reason I would never want to win a big tourney because I would have reached the unreachable and have nothing to play for anymore (who likes winning five figures in the 50-50 anyway?!?! Grats to Hoy). Currently, I play because friends are lurking in the girly chat boxes and because I enjoy taking $200-$300 nightly swings when my bankroll is only a shade healthier then Mitt Romney's presidental campaign. I may need to bring back mid-week drinking again.

Here are the two trailers we're looking at:

Love train #1

Love train #2

YES! NO! NO! YESSSSSSSSSSSSs! I think if my wife was awake while I was playing last night she probably thought I was betting on a college basketball game while enjoying fake first-time lesbian porn versus the yo-yo Omaha games on my laptop that nearly doubled my Full Tilt bankroll then threatened to leave me with scraps.

Omaha tip #1123: If someone types "You can't expect me to fold Kings pre-flop with a flush draw can you?", note this person and enjoy his/her money when the 30% doesn't hit.

Tonight the folks at RakeBrain.com are putting on a blogger challenge with a few people known to this part of the interwebs. Please drop by and taunt DP when he decides three pair is a really really good hand. I believe the start time is 5 CST which means I gotta avoid any traffic on the way home using my snow plow to jack that retro purple colored VW Bug over a bridge to make the first hand. If I miss the round of Hold Em', I probably would do better anyway :)

On Wednesday, a unique tournament will take place at Full Tilt Poker. Myself, and a few of Internet’s best poker authors, are going to play a two table sit’n’go and determine who the best poker blogger is … best at playing poker that is. Not writing.

The tournament is sponsored by RakeBrain.com and has the slightly narcissistic name LeCheese Challenge. We’ll play a mixture of Texas Hold’em and Omaha, both in pot-limit format, with stacks a bit deeper than normal. That combination requires a lot of poker skills and it’ll be impossible to go all in all the time. Instead, we have to see flops! Something certain poker players don’t like.

I really look forward to this – $500 to the winner and $100 to the player who knocks me out, if anyone manages to accomplish that.

Participating poker bloggers so far:



John - BadBlood
Drizztdj - Nickle and Dimes
Byron - Biggestron Writes
Scott - Doubleas
Dave - PokerKingBlog
Jason Turner - TripJax
John - SeattleJohnPoker
Jeff - DonkeyPuncher
MrSubliminal - MrSubliminal

Two of the most prominent RakeBrain players will also participate in LeCheese Challenge: JJProdigys Gran and td8507.

Fellow poker bloggers; those are the players we’ve got to take down to stand a chance. I know they play quite a lot of poker – maybe more than all of us combined.

$20 last longer he-who-punches-donkeys?

Decent Proposal

I started with some lame Lindsay Lohan/Me story sharing a line of blow and me giggling at her naked boobies after she gave me a million bucks to teach her how to play a wrap wheel low draw after being led into on the turn, but poker nerdery has no place when she'd be much more satisfied with the five seconds of bliss between the sheets.

At least I'd be satisfied and Demi Moore would be crying since all she got was Woody and The Natural.

Instead you get the following:

Your hard working dad is holding the oldest child like the son he never got to meet since work unfortunately pulled him away from the simple parenting pleasures of watching a toddler grow-up. With the wide smile on his face that only a proud grandparent can wear, he lays out a proposition that makes you look for Alan Funt behind the mini ficcus tree in the living room.

$10,000 for a down payment and almost pay off a new trailer, for the small plot of land we own up north

or

Enter the World Series of Poker Main Event

Which would you choose and why? The clock starts now.


And a big BOOOOOOOOOOO to Krispy Kreme leaving the frozen north. This particular store was no more then a mile from my house.

Fuchsia Me Freely

Did you know that donkeys kill more people annually then plane crashes? Remember this next time your Aces get called down by someone with eight-three offsuit and hits two pair on the river.

It felt like spring yesterday here in the frozen north as the outside mall area saw people shaking off ice chunks on their ski jackets to enjoy the 30 degree temps. We took the opportunity to take the kids out for a walk and browse the different kitchen wares (how many knives does a chef really need?!!), mass produced scented soaps and oils of Bath and Body Works, and lose the rest of my hearing going by the Hollister store. Stupid pretty people.

A strange thing happened as we stepped inside Pottery Barn for kids, and maybe it was strange since I spent the earlier part of the afternoon taking money from Scott Fischman at the PLO8 tables and voluntarily raising my blood alcohol levels while watching Tiger Woods remind me that golfing is easy on the couch. The other stores had rather attractive, albeit younger then I, female clientele but when we entered the Pottery Barn for Kids several fat women with bloated stomachs and very loud T-shirts exclaiming “Party at my crib!” and “These feet are made for crawling” threatened to knock over every overpriced French to English color wheel (do kids really need to know what color Periwinkle is???) and organic navy blue towel set within their sizable girth.

They did have nice tits however.

Poker was meh, except for Pauly’s PLO tourney on Saturday which rocked due to the people playing. I thank the good doctor for taking time out from his busy schedule to put together a blogger tourney that’s more for the fun versus card prowlness. Yes, I was the bubble boy but I’ll gladly spend eleven bucks to sling cards with friends of a couple of hours. Even with the pending BBT3 on the horizon, make sure you mark this one down to relax to.

Could You Speak A Little Louder Please?

Thank you kindly to all to all the responses as the "WTF" stage has past by and I'm back to sipping Cap'n Cokes on a Friday afternoon while the kids are hibernating under the hum of the laundry machine and Scooby-Doo videos.


Sanity is an hour to hour thing for me. It comes in bits and pieces, a kiss from the wife, a pat on the back at work, or a few quiet moments with my thoughts. After a lifetime of being judged by my apperance or lack of comprehending sentences being voiced in my direction, it's refreshing to come here and dole out my feelings and words I couldn't utter in public because my tongue ties up like traffic on an LA expressway. Often I'm left with bottled up emotions reflecting on trivals things that have happened in the past, versus taking the now and just enjoying some fresh oxygen that isn't flavored with despire and self-pity.

For putting up with my barbaric use of the English language. I tip my glass to you.

Choose Your Own Ending: Restaurant Edition

The day after returning to the frozen tundra where spit is turned into ice droplets before it shatters off the ground, I figured a dinner with the family at a favorite local restaurant would remind me why I get up at 4:30am every morning when it’s ten below out. Granite City is a blend between a sports bar and nice restaurant, along with a short selection of very good handcrafted micro-brews. The wife and kids were in good spirits as Wyatt decided several intellectually challenging games of Tic-Tac-Toe would keep him busy until my peppercorn bacon cheeseburger with fried onion shavings arrived.

Kyra voiced her concerned about the flat milk she received but turned her attention to the waxy texture of the blue crayon over the red one as she colored ferociously outside of the lines in defiance of the new surrealism art movement. Meanwhile I enjoyed my carefully crafted “Brother Benedict Bock” which was served at a perfect temperature by a local hottie with sparkling blue eyes with some ginger highlights. Yes, I just looked at her face. She may have had a nice ass too but I didn’t take notice.

While Jim Rome prattled on in the background about baseball players who decided to juice themselves, my stomach’s radar began beeping loudly as my slab of flipped bovine grew near. Chicken strips for the little one had to be symmetrically prepared and quick parent’s hands used as the manager tried to be cute with younger female at the table with a joke. Jokes are fine, but don’t put an open bowl of syrup dipped fruit in front of an 18 month old unless you enjoy swimming in the sticky substance. Thoughts of implanting my wedding ring and four knuckles into his right eye socket subsided quickly with another sip of the beer and smell of the burger.

After carefully cutting the burger in half for dipping purposes I grabbed the bottle of ketchup sitting in front of me and shook it to loosen the contents. Unfortunately, the contents did not remain in the bottle after the shaking and managed to make my pants and shirt look like I was a midwife just completing my duties of assisting the fairer sex of bringing a new life into this world. Stunned, I wondered which restaurant employee was going to receive the wedgie of fury followed by false declarations of never returning here.

“I left the bottle open” the wife said

“Ok, why would you put the cap back on without tightening it?” I asked while keeping my emotions bottled unlike the sticky Heinz red sauce that lined my clothes

“You should have checked” the wife proclaimed, using her Teflon style of arguing while she looks at her grilled chicken sandwich

Here’s where you the viewer can chime in. What is your reply?

a) “You’re right honey, how thoughtless of me to think that the cap on a bottle of ketchup would be fastened” stated with no dripping sarcasm

b) The same as above but let the sarcasm come out as it should

c) “Could you explain the idea behind leaving the cap on top of the bottle?” “Would you like another demonstration of what happens?” then splatter her new blonde highlights and tight polo shirt with ketchup and look forward to sex with lefty and righty for the next six to twelve months

d) Leave your custom reply in the comments area


Enjoy your day and don’t forget to wrap your condiments! Yes, I laughed at myself the day after but not so much that day.

Lone Star Sun

Sitting up top a concrete slab with no guardrails, no signs that OSHA was coming by soon, and no worries about what was going to happen next. Rusted rebar stuck up in the middle of floor in a palm tree fashion, the banos had no doors (but we were assured they were coming tomorrow along with the free beer). The wind danced across my exposed legs and arms with hint of warmth as the Mexican beer did its duty at bargain prices, served with a crooked smile.

The south Texas/Mexico trip was successful on many levels, defrosting these bones from the inhumane weather people up here endure every winter. Today, I promised my co-workers Chinese food from a local joint if the temperature hit above zero by ten o’clock, Al has a better chance of passing a sobriety test at 2am coming from his new local bar then they have in getting some fresh kung po chicken with fried rice and cream cheese wontons. The slight burn across my forehead from golfing without a hat was worth the aloe and stares to feel the sun again without wondering if the onset of hypothermia has begun.

Traveling to and from the Mexican border the landscape shows the poverty and growth of the area. Schools and senior citizen communities are lined with military razor wire fence, trailer parks with pink granny panties and well used t-shirts flapping the wind showed the economic blight of the region. Then the page would turn in the book and illustrations of lush farms, grapefruit trees, and new housing developments showed a beautiful side of the Lone Star state. Willy’s BBQ house gave me a little taste of the famed Texas BBQ yet tasted like Kate Moss on a diet, sweet but lacked thickness. I’m sure if my frozen block of mind was thinking a quick email to The Fat Guy or April would have directed me to a proper slab of bovine.

Mexico was a step backwards in time as my change from the first round of Sol beers and a margarita for my better half showed a ten dollar bill from 1934. Peddlers lined the streets hoping to find a worthy sucker to snap up their knock off Kate Spade purses or Oakley glasses. Luckily the wife spoke a little of the native tongue, as my Spanish doesn’t go past what Big Bird taught me and she saved a few bucks while haggling over the Mexican national soccer team outfit for the little one back home.

Thoroughly sloshed, we headed back to the home base for what would become a four day long Chinese Poker game and turning the knob on the drunk dial from amusing to stupid. A question to profession Chinese Poker players out there… do you play with “bonus points” for big hands like straight flushes, full house in the second hand, trips up top? I must know the answers, as this addicting game has overtaken our usual euchre bitch-fest.

The golf, South Padre Beach, the girls mistaking a roadside strip club for a Don Pablo’s restaurant (yet ignored our pleas to go in and “make sure”) went by too quickly as all good vacations do and I think we found a yearly thaw that doesn’t hurt the wallet as much as Vegas, lets you enjoy the company of your friends, and doesn’t send you back with some monkey rotavirus.

As long as you don’t drink the water and stick to the beer of course.


On a side note... Lindsay Lohan as Marilyn Monroe (thanks to Bayne). I'll need to use this picture sparingly, in case she decides to return to hitting a mound of Columbian powder like a Trekkie seeing Captain James T. Kirk at a Wal-Mart grand opening promotion.

Beer Still Taste Better Then Water

I see no one turned up the heat here in the arctic circle while I was gone. Is it too much to ask for a temperature that doesn't rival the icy stare from the father of your high school date after telling him that a strip club might be on the agenda since its amateur night and you need cash to get into bondage a go-go night at the local bar?

I agologize to people if I drunk dialed while in Mexico. Six dollars for a round of drinks = very wasted Drizz

There's a post coming about the trip but there seems to be a spreadsheet replica of The Leaning Tower of Pisa on my desk that requires my attention.

More Then One Way To Say "I Love You"

Why must they have the ladies bathroom on the left on the first floor, then magically switch it to the right side on the second floor?

Don't they know there's idiots like myself that will blindly walk in without checking the helpful stick person sign?

Hope the ladies enjoyed the awesome Mongolian stir fry I had last night.

Happy Valentines Day to all, even if you're not celebrating it with someone, be sure to make use of that peppermint lotion and half handle of booze tonight its a lead pipe lock way to get lucky and a hell of a lot cheaper then a dozen roses and five course meal at some hard to pronounce snooty restaurant that will give you a $354.56 belly full of gas and make anal sex rather uncomfortable.

Enjoy the twenty-five cent box of candy hearts instead.

Adios Bad Beats

What do Drizz and the Kentucky Wildcats have in common this morning?

Yeah.

At least ESPN was kind enough to show a pouty Ashley Judd before Vandy drained another three pointer and they walked off with their worse SEC loss ever. Sorry G-Rob, we're keeping Tubby at The Barn for awhile.

Anyhow, I'm off to Texas and Mexico for the weekend and since poker has decided I'm not worthy, no Mookie tonight. If any post tomorrow, there will be nothing but Guitar Hero III recaps on this page.

Stop quivering in your cube in anticipation (I'm half-way thru Hard level).

I hope to dial-a-shot a few folks from the back alleys of Nuevo Progresso with a shot of Patron at the ready.

The Brick Wall (part 2)

... (continued from previous post here)

Held by his mother, he waved good bye to the mirrors that reflected his face with bright, sleepy eyes and warm expressions that wished for him to return as soon as possible. Back then of course, it was just his mom from the same window waving as the extrovert being forced into a shell would negotiate the two foot high drifts of snow to go skate alone at the school’s ice rinks.

Wearing sweatpants that proudly displayed his club affiliation in bright orange letters; he didn’t mind the difficult snow-packed run with skates on, up to the oval shaped rooms of comfort. Out here there were no taunts, no stares, and no memories. Just ice, a puck, a net, and the sound of the three colliding with frequency with every slap shot. Coaches deemed him un-coachable due to his disabilities, unwilling to bend their rigid teachings and allow the child to grow as a player, possibly as a person. Another crack from the orange and black Sherwood stick making the ice fizzle like the top of a newly opened Coke released inner anger with every shot.

Those demons of being abandoned by those who didn’t bear his last name would haunt him for the balance of his lifetime. Always needing a release, never fully trusting. One more hard eight figure around the offensive’s zone circles, one more outlet pass to a phantom teammate, one more until he could slump against the warming house brick wall in exhaustion. The high school aged rink attendants knew him by name because they’d have to actually leave their Algebra homework and space heater behind the metal grated windows to get the kid to come inside when it was time to shut down for the evening.

A darkness settled across the rinks as the return home was blinded by a dark blue and black hue across the park he previously crossed. Outlines of that sanctuary of comfort were straight ahead, while quick, disapproving glances were shot at the school building to his right. How he wanted to stay out and feel the cold air rush sideways against his face with every sudden stop and redirection. A few more minutes of feeling whole.

Instead tomorrow would bring more of the same, sitting with his back to that brick wall feeling sorry for himself.

I Paid $300 For a Full Tilt Stress Ball

Current temperature in Maple Grove, MN -6 with a wind chill around -21 (definitely not as cold as International Falls, MN clocking in at a ball shrinking -37 degrees)

Temperature in McAllen, TX on Thursday where I'll be half way through a handle of Captain two hours after hitting the ground around 80 degrees.

So sick of winter.

So sick of watching the draw outs, and the mind numbing of multi-tabling after building up a nice win throughout the weekend and watching it crumble because I wanted to ride the heater.

The only thing I want cold this weekend are the beers in the back alleys of Progresso, Mexico. No more trying to wait out the bad player at the table, no more staying to try to get even, no more frozen feet because the temp in the porch is better suited for an ice arena. Just sunburnt skin, hitting golf balls badly, generously poured drinks, and whatever else people do in southern Texas.

Internet poker machine. Off for the week, except for when its on. :)

One Bodog, One Riverchaser, One Beer

Chopped a win at the small Riverchasers tourney last night.

Remembered why I stay away from Stud Hi tourneys.

Was down $200 after 15 minutes of play last night, lost with some runner runner beat in the daily double at the same time, ranted like Sam Kinison in a line to get on a Walt Disney World ride then settled down to win a little at the PL/NLO8 games and near a buy in at the Riverchasers.

But, poker still sucks of course until I have the cash to hit up Vegas in March.

Enjoy the weekend folks, I'll be on to do my duty of supplying badly spelled drunken quips on the girly IM machines.

Tonight's the Night

Nice run by Sexually confused Guitar Hero god on a heater at the FTOPS event #1 last night. Drunk poker > Sober poker

As the Bracelet would say "Keep min-raising those aces" and "Don't bet on the Lakers -4". I didn't take either advice and lost on both accounts last night. Somewhere outside of rehab, Britney is crying because of my aces being cracked. I'll console her with a Care Bear and a deluxe jellied couples pack from the Love Doctor.

Since Speaker's run left me with a couple of hours of sleep I will leave you with this wisdom:

If you're going to eat a powdered donut ball prior to a meeting, bite slowly, and make sure at least half of powdered sugar hits your black slacks. Bonus points if you attempt to wildly wipe it off and end up with a stain that looks like you just got head from a circus clown.

Enjoy your status meetings this morning.

Fresh Start Begins With a Vote

A story like this former film hottie getting a DUI would line up front page headlines.

Instead if you read the morning paper in just about any "Super Tuesday" state you'll see that Americans went out in record numbers to vote for their presidential canadiate.

Minnesota was no different. I like parts of each of the canadiates stances but since I don't have a party affiliation, I wasn't able to vote (Peaker was happy to explain why). Driving by one of the caucus voting areas last night and the school was packed like they were giving away Kirby Puckett bobblehead dolls.

Label me proud to be an American for the first time in a while. People aren't liking the current direction the country is going and are doing the one thing they know they can control. They get to vote.

By the way, I chose Ribeye. And to the discussion in the comments area of Otis' great live blogging this quote...

The aim of an argument or discussion should not be victory, but progress.

-- Joseph Joubert (1754-1824) French Philosopher

Sunny Side Up

The walk to the shower doesn’t take a Herculean effort in the morning. The wind is cold, icy, but doesn’t sting as much. A pride is taken once again as numbers are crunched and spat out onto a blank spreadsheet. Two pairs of innocent eyes peer over the top of the Internet Explorer window waiting until I come home, as I count down the hours to see them again.

Two years ago, just lifting the sheets off the bed took an effort. Now, I’m scanning colleges looking for ways to get back to the student body and grab that piece of paper. What happen? This space on the internets for one. A place to come, pour a little of myself into pixels and subject readers to badly phrased metaphors. Read about other people’s chest thumping brags and let’s-do-shots-till-we-puke struggles. Find people with like-minded degeneracy and a way with words or pictures of the female form in various stages of undress.

There’s porn on these internets (NSFW and thanks to Wicked Chops for the Brandi gift that just keeps giving, like Keeley Hazel’s breasts)? Yes, yes there is.

Poker hasn’t been the greatest lately with a current downswing, but its fun lose myself into a series of wrap draws and multi-tabling goodness again. Looking for the big poker score, without dreaming of it or becoming disappointed when that two-outer hits against you. Wanting to enjoy life, without hoping there’s more. Glancing at the giant company logo lit up in the pre-dawn morning sky before stepping across a sea of ice, slush, and black snow and thanking them for the paycheck and chance to make a small difference versus dreading the deluxe Roget’s of buzz words you’ll get hit with while learning about “company vision”.

Happy? Sure.

It’s a rocky climb when someone has been down as long as me. The sharp edges with every foothold can tear through those steel-toed boots like butter sitting on a stack of pancakes along side a carefully crafted Denny’s Grand Slam breakfast. Will the rope hold? Are the clips strong enough?

If I knew, life wouldn’t be much fun now would it? Live the day, enjoy the dawn of the future, and stop chasing inside straight draws because it really pisses me off when you get there against my flopped set you donkey.

Tonight check out the newly ramped up Bodog tourney. WSOP package? Sexy, much like the video vixens that peddle the product on the Bodoglife website. Check out Smokkee’s site for the details on the newest blogger challenge (there's a separate register screen for the series so make sure you hit that up first).

Edit: If you're remotely politco and care about who's going to be president for the next four years, I suggest joining the zoo at Otis' corner of the internet as he live blogs the Super Tuesday/Fat Tuesday going ons. No word on nudity for beads though. Vote Ribeye! Its a bone above the rest (ok, that was horrible, I'll do better later)!

I Heart Coolers

Bill Bellichick was found at Waffle's house early this morning crying WHHHHHHHHHHHYYYY!!!

My Bodog account however thanks you, my only regret was not betting the Giants straight up.

Puppy Bowl > Super Bowl Commericials > Super Bowl until the last two minutes. I didn't see the Madonna/Five seconds for $10 million commerical was she worth the one pump and done?

At least my buddy's wife whipped up some mean Swedish meatballs and put out a spread that my stomach appreciated at the Super Bowl party.

Football is dead until next season (Pro Bowl is a poor excuse is an exhibition game that needs to die in favor of a skills competition) leaving the next six months void of Sunday gambling disappointments. I'd rather see them have a Superstars competition versus play flag football in hula skirts for 60 minutes.

Question to those who are still braving the online poker world...

Are you seeing more table coaches?

Usually, among the four tables I'm playing there will be one that pipes up after some off-the-book play occurs, for the past few months its almost every table and I'm fairly close to shutting down the chat box which is usually a gold mine of comedy.

Falling Using a Washcloth as a Parachute

Right now I feel like Johan Santana's popularity in Minnesota. Beat up and confused on what to think. A raised middle finger to the Mets for the steal.

4 tourneys last night, all close to the cash, all bombed by less then preferable means.

Is anyone going to watch Minnesota grown Brock Lesnar show that fake wrestlers can fight in the UFC? If my dinner date with the wife doesn't include a nightcap, I'll be catching the fight with a friend to see if he can incorporate a flying clotheline of the turnbuckle into the octogon.

The dude is huge, should be fun regardless of the result.

If you want free money feel free to follow my continued plunge into penny games this weekend unless my Sklansky bucks decide its my turn to cash em in.