Dude, It Was a Nerf Ball

Frylock Bin Laden coming to a bridge near you. There's a fine line between readiness, and acting like a spaz.

Much like the arrests of the Neteller hippies causing my once liquid poker funds to become harder to move then a toddler trying to watch his morning cartoons.


Below was my first attempt of pulling some funds from ye ol' poker account since the arrest:

Hello Drizz,
Thank you for contacting Full Tilt Poker Customer Support.

Checks may be requested for amounts $300 or greater up to a maximum of $10,000, and can be requested only once every 7 days.

If you would like Full Tilt Poker to send you a check, we must first verify your account information. Please email or fax us a clear and legible copy of your photo ID along with proof of address. The name and mailing address on your ID must match your Full Tilt Poker account information.

We accept the following forms of ID:
Photo ID: Driver's License, Passport, Government-issued ID, or Student ID
Address Verification: Bank or Credit Card statement, Utility Bill, Cell Phone Bill, Home or Auto Insurance papers

You can email these documents to us at support@fulltiltpoker.com or fax to 1-877-TILT-FAX. Please use a resolution of 400 dpi or higher when sending your documents and make sure faxes are clear and legible or they will be asked to be re-sent. If you are using fax, make sure to include your Player ID on all pages.

Once you are verified for checks, you will need to request a cashout through the Cashier window.

Approved checks are delivered by regular mail in 25-35 business days.

At this time, we regret that we are temporarily unable to deliver checks by UPS to US residents. We are working speedily to have this option available to US residents again soon.

For our non-US residents, checks can be delivered by UPS for a $33.50 fee. You must have your current 10 digit telephone number entered in your account information and a street address to use UPS. UPS does not deliver to P.O. Boxes.

If you have any further questions, please feel free to email support@fulltiltpoker.com and we are happy to help.

Regards,
Colleen
Full Tilt Poker Support

Sigh.

Anyone got a better idea before I slap on the laughing gas mask and prepare for my wisdom teeth to be extracted by the Irish dentist and suck on a grape flavored popsicle to relieve the pain of the procedure? I'm not onboard to sign up for a new payment processor since the likelihood of any current processors going down soon is high enough to not bother with signing up, waiting for confirmations, and possibly have more funds suddenly locked up on the intertubes because the DOJ gets jiggy again when Master Shake goes after more strategic targets like maybe Dane Cook.

Thanks for dropping by, now head over to Pauly's site if you haven't heard about the Cardplayer/Bluff CutandPaste-gate going on. I've never been in the poker-blogging trenches (but I'm available to do so and I work for Cap'n Cokes!) but it seems to me that final table information is pretty much the same. Information posted to different sites would have their own "flava", much like 50 Cent and Snoop Dogg may rap about the same " bitches n' ho's" but do it their own voice. If the information wasn't copied word for word, what's the point of a three minute viral video shot in the context of The Blair Witch Project?

No, That's Not Attractive Ma'am

22?

36?

"I'm 50" (commence crying when she's told no Holly-weird for her and Cookie Monster)

And I'm scarred for life after watching that "Big Bird" on American Idol last night. The slutty blonde could have shown more boob and placed a couple of more jeans rips in strategic places but the nasally singing got her thru, and the boobs.

Any wagers on the winner?

I'd take that lumpy dude from the first audition with the long goatee, Sunshine or Sunray something like that.




Ever get on a hot streak at one site where your Ivey-esque play turns those paper-maiche cards into bricks of gold? At same time, manage to have the seven plagues mentioned in Revelation 15:1 rain down on your cards and watch the swarm of pixelized locusts shredding those precious premium hands even after the money goes in?

I'm very tempted to cash out of Stars once I snag the video iPod from its FPPs store (800 measly points, go go 10 tabling!!) due to my tin foil hat getting crushered each night for the past month, just to make the money back while playing on Full Tilt. But, after much hemming, hawing, whining, and drinking I won't be exiting the online game completely despite our funds becoming about as liquid as your 401 (k) plan at work (see 2+2 for "fees" on getting at your locked Neteller funds as mentioned yesterday). Plus, I'd have to buy a new computer for gaming again after watching the hamsters groan inside of my old PC when I fired up Dark Age of Camelot over the weekend.

I did make a withdrawl from Full Tilt and will report on its journey and success/failure here once the newly minted check is in my paws ready to be spent at Black Bear Casino next month for some live poker action after the annual bowling tournament. Word of advisement to those wishing to remove funds from Full Tilt... minimum amount allowed for a check is $300, far above the usual $50 minimum for Neteller.

Thanks for dropping by, now who ever said Wrestling wasn't a sexy sport... Greco-Roman Herpes anyone? Yuck.

Yep, The Kids Caught On Quickly

Remember how I wrote this...


Welcome to the 2+2 get yo' PokerStars/Full Tilt/money outta Neteller free-for-all. "$15 per transaction!" "Only 5% vig!!!" "Increased risk! Now charging 12%!!"

Sigh.

I really wanted that Wii. Granted my Neteller funds amount to a nice room in Atlantic City and maybe a cheap hooker, but its still money I don't have (and may never receive) to get the Wii.

Word Play

Milan manager Carlo Ancelotti is determined to make some use of Ronaldo and isn't worried about the striker's extra weight.

"Ronaldo is not fat," he said. "He is a very robust player.”

Yes, the very robust woman at McDonald’s yesterday barely avoided trampling over my kid because she couldn’t see over the top of her two feet of womanhood protruding from her chest and waistline.

Gotta love a play on words to describe a potential bust in the athletic realm.

I'm sure people have checked out Miami Don's odds for winning the WPBT Player of the Year:

SnG Machine 2/1
Lucko 3/1
Hoyazo 5/1
Drizz 5/1
Double As 5/1
Otis 5/1
Absinthe 5/1
StB 7/1
Byron 7/1

Oof. No pressure. Luckily we're not playing all NLHE tourneys and mixed games are more up my alley as I enjoy other forms of poker much more then Hold Em'. Guess I'll have to start playing more tourneys when the option presents itself. Staying up until 1 or 2 in the a.m. is a decent way to relive the days of Kyra coming home from the hospital, but bad way to audit a 500 page spreadsheet while handling vendor complaints.

A sign that I'm going to hell: R.I.P. Barbaro

I think I'll stay away from horsey wagering for awhile as the negative karma build-up will be massive for picking Barbaro in F-Train's Death Pool.

I'm sure Daddy was watching the re-posting of Berrian's nutrition lecture to a elementary school class:

Bernard: Do any of you know what it takes to make it in the NFL?

Redhead freckle-faced ginger-kid: Four-three forty speed?

Kid-giggles.

Bernard: That always helps, but first you have to lay a foundation—make your body strong. Do any of you know how to do that?

Pretentious kid with overly dramatic delivery: Massive amounts of jumping-jacks?

Bernard: No, I’m talking about diet—the food you put in your body. Before ever game in college I used to eat bacon and syrup, and I brought some with me. Come on everybody let’s eat!

And the crowd goes wild.

Money going on the pork lover's team. Skol Bears!!

Thanks for dropping by, now did anyone catch Jen Leo's announcement about the Wirecard becoming a new nicotine patch for players at Full Tilt. I stress the "patch" part because while it gives players a badly needed form of online poker funds liquidty, but just creating a new payment processor is like placing a bunch of finger sized Cars-themed band-aids on the Exxon Valdez to save the Alaskian wildlife.

Its not solving the issue, like the DayQuil I guzzled this morning.

Edit: Vince Flynn is kicking much ass, thanks for the tip!!! Had to start with Executive Power but I'll find the rest soon enough

Super Bowl Prop Bets

Let the 144 hour pre-game show begin!

It already did? I thought ESPN just wanted to update us on the blind date between Parcells and T.O. at Chuck E. Cheese while they split an over greased pepperoni pizza and a pitcher of 3.2 beer.

My fictional online bookie managed to slide $25 into my fictional account so I could fictionally wager fictional funds on what should be a decent game. Seven point line notwithstanding. Normally, I would wager much more then $25 fictional dollars on the game, and the only remedy I have to my meager wagering dollars is to find a not-so-fictional bookie who would not-so-fictionally rearrange my dental works should I not “pay up” in time. Thanks for making the world a safer place sirs.

Ok, to stretch my blossoming entertainment dollar which of the following prop bets shall I lay for the Super Sexy Rexy Bowl:

- Over/Under 7: Number of times Phil Simms says the word “Iron Man” (-105)

- Over/Under 10: Number of times we will be reminded there are two African-American head coaches in the game (-105)

- Over/Under 5: Number of actually funny commercials (-115)

- Number of mentions of the 1971 Undefeated Dolphins Team (+6.5 Even)
Number of mentions of the 1985 Da’ Bears Team (-6.5 -115)

- Over/Under 0.5: Number of boob slippages by Cirque du Soleil (-105)

- Over/Under 10: Number of former NFL players in the crowd/sidelines that will get face time because they couldn’t find hot chicks in the stands (-105)

- Over/Under 3.5: Injuries to Colts’ special teams trying to tackle Devin Hester (-105)

Over/Under 1,435,943: Number of times Peyton Manning will use the pronoun “I” while describing the game pre, during, and post (+110)

- Number of mentions of Phil Simms Super Bowl MVP award (-5.5 -105)
Number of mentions of Dan Marino “never winning the big one” (+5.5 -115)

- Clips of William “The Fridge” Perry shown (+2.5 -115)
Number of commercials Jared from Subway touts low-fat fast food (-2.5 Even)

- Number of Sexy Rexy Picks Thrown (+2.5 Even)
Mentions of T.O. during or after the game (pre game does not count) (-2.5 -120)

- Colts total score (-15.5 -105)
Number of chicken wings consumed by Drizz (+15.5 -105)

Excellent turn out last night for the WPBT tourney at Full Tilt! 61 bloggers decided that a Full Tilt token was worth a night of entertainment (or a few minutes worth in Hoy’s case). I managed to get to the final two tables before pushing a weak-ace into a stronger one while nursing a small stack. Always a pleasure to donate to my fellow internet scribes, use my mobneys well!

Thanks for dropping by, now anyone who’s betting on the game would you place five $5 bets (Heads or Tails!!!) or one $25 on the adjusted line of Bears -3.5 (+375)? I’m going for entertainment value, not caring about winning a mother lode or a free valentine's dinner.

Or sack up, take the $25 and at least double it on the site’s ridiculously soft poker tables first?

WPBT Event #1 Tonight!

WPBT online tour kicks off again this year with a double stack tourney at Full Tilt.

Token tourney ($24+$2) Password is wpbt72

Come take the rest of my online funds before the DOJ jihad does.

Twelve Piece Bucket To Go

You are holding pocket nines on the button at a full table with a limper in early position behind you. If these three people came up and advised on how to play your poker hand during the WSOP Main Event on level nine, and everyone at the table could hear the advice, who's would you follow-through on for maximum pay off when you hit your set?

Think beyond the poker skill level of the person giving the advice.

Your toddler/grade school kid

Your spouse who doesn't play much but understands hand rankings and basic tourney strategy

Your friends from media row who just got done with a meal at the Tilted Kilt, and are on their 16th hour of working while keno crayon chewing

Thanks for dropping by, now Wyatt has been loudly expressing his displeasure about being sick lately (the meds are finally kicking in and the fever is going down) but I wonder if he could kill chickens too with that scream...

Edit: For Al and his need for games while at work... Redneck Shootin!

Edit to the Edit: Iggy has an awesome new site for those into Ultimate Fighting. Go check it out as the blog's sponsor'd fighter will be in the ring tonight.

Robert Williamson III Ain't No Thang

So he's won a few WSOP bracelets and has more money sitting in a Las Vegas casino lockbox then I'll ever earn in my lifetime (but the company stock is doing great!). I plopped down with the intent of doing nothing more then making fun of American Idol contestants (Black Elvis!!) and playing some relaxing micro tourneys after managing to grind away a small profit this week (think eating at P.F. Chang's versus Wendy's).



The first tourney at Full Tilt was a $5 H.O.R.S.E. affair that ended with a dull whimper of a sick dog with three tables remaining after managing a short stack most of the time.



Doing my usual multi-tabling I pulled up a Limit O8 tourney on Stars and managed to find the one person at the table would could make any four cards beat my any four cards and I went out before Sundance took the stage and got the first seal of approval from Simon (yes he did rock, and why the fuck I'm writing about it?? I HATE YOU CJ!).



Save the Cheerleader? Not so much. But at least Seacrest got a reach-around as the male cheerleader caught him, unfortunately that means he's still alive and my dead pool pick remains among the living.



WOWOWOWOWOW $5 PLO8 tourney at Stars? Sign me up baby!

WOWOWOWOWOW are the players really bad enough to call with 567K rainbow all-in preflop for their whole stack? Yes, they are and I'm stuck watching Topher call his ex-wife a bitch on national television after a straight is made with no low, and Simon once again amazed me with snarky send off. At least he didn't call him a monkey.



Just before my unceremonial exit from the HORSE tourney a message appeared with red lettering in my chat box JOIN LYNETTE CHAN IN THE $24 + $2 POT LIMIT OMAHA TOURNEY WITH A $4,000 GUARANTEE!!!



She's pretty hot, I like Omaha, I had a token laying dormant in my pocket, maybe if I win she'll drop by for some kool-aid and dinosaur chicken bites?

Final table time, prepare for a folding exhibition... not tonight

No, tonight we would not fold into becoming a hundred-aire, eyeing the first prize of $1K in this guarantee that did not reach its intended goal (good thing for overlay, not a good trend for online poker). For once I didn't sit back to enjoy the view as the final table quickly became a crap shoot with M's under 6 even for the chip leaders meant moving in with less-then top hands you'd find spelled out by one of Lou Kreiger's books or Lyle Berman in Super System II.

AK unimproved winning? Nice call sir and thank you for the chips.

An offer of a chop was quickly quashed by the gentleman who would later manage to win a couple of showdowns heads up with me, after being slapped around by my giga-sized online nurse's bust for the most part. After hearing his stats that Ryan looked up from Pokerdb.com it sounded like he could use the money a lot more then this nickel and dimer. I'll take second with a smile because I played as well as I could, but the showdown cards just didn't favor me. Muy thanks to the rail birds as it was quite late in my part of the world and getting up three hours later actually feels refreshing.

Yes sir, Drizz only sucks at Omaha on days of the week that end with -day

Thanks for dropping by, now I'm going to do a happy dance about poker for once.

Parenting 090

There's something every parent will go thru as their child grows up but its not something any book, motherly advice, or Dr. Phil could possibly get you prepared to deal with.

Yesterday I spent a good chunk of the day at North Memorial hospital due to Wyatt having a seizure induced by his fever he's been running off and on for the past month. Having a personal experience with seizures did not quell the anger I had for him to have to go through something like that. You begin to question your ability to stay strong for the helpless little one who has no idea under his Buzz Lightyear PJs why he suddenly moved in a violent manner, or why he couldn't speak to his pa or nana when they asked if he was alright.

The doctors can explain that fever induced seizures are common in smaller children, but that doesn't put to rest the paranoid feelings about a recurrence or a dangerous one that doesn't end with a freezee-pop and a Spongebob Squarepants sticker. The nurse can use a soothing voice to dispel fears of hidden monsters under the bed of much more serious ailments, but does it allow a parent to go back to worrying about every day things like mortgage payments and having enough toilet paper in the house?

I'm sure more seasoned parents have been through the broken limbs, illnesses, and all arguements about who gets to watch what, but this guy is still in the infant stages of learning what it means to be a parent.

You're The Best Arrrrrrrrrrround

*Start up The Karate Kid soundtrack

No NASCAR driver would ever think about putting themselves at the helm as much as the First Mormon Son of Football this morning…

I don't get into monkeys and vindication," he said. "I don't play that card. I know how hard I worked this season; I know how hard I worked this week." I don't get into monkeys and vindication," he said. "I don't play that card. I know how hard I worked this season; I know how hard I worked this week." – Mr. Everything

I I I I I I I I, and me me me me me me me me. Yo Payton, next time your offensive line “neglects” to throw a block and you end up forgetting how count beyond three, maybe you’ll remember it’s a team sport not the Quarterback Challenge at the sunny Bahia Mar Beach resort in Fort Lauderdale, Flordia. Congrats to the Indianapolis Colts TEAM, and despite what you tell those piano movers, they ARE saying loooooooooooser when chanting for you in the stands. Go bang a hot hollyweird starlet, sing karaoke with your brother, or stay out after curfew; just something to show you have a iota of a personality beyond confirming at every press conference that you control the team’s destiny like Luke in Return of the Jedi.

Yeah, the Bears won too. And left me 3 of 4 on my super duper kick ass parlay.

Bastards.

At least Sexy Rexy showed that ineptitude at the quarterback position can be overtaken by a front seven on defense that resembled Buddy Ryan’s D from the 85’ team. Urlacher is just fuckin scary, as in wielding a machete with a hockey mask, stabbing some chick in cotton panties as she has sex for the first at camp, and being resurrected 15 times scary. Peyton better wise up and take his front line out for a Sizzler’s buffet or two if he’d like be able to go home after the Super Bowl and watch some Lifetime movies with a bowl of low-fat, low sodium Orville’s Special Blend popcorn.

Want something that would ruin a decent breakfast? We dropped the kids off at my parent’s place, and mom is always watching Lifetime in the morning which 99.9% of time is about some relationship going awry and sure enough a bleached Dan Cortese is trying to rub one out before his wife gets through the door as her keys wouldn't work. Clearly an amateur spanking mistake by Mr. MTV Sports by not calculating when the Mrs. would be coming home. I also didn’t see a bottle of peppermint lotion.

Amateur.

Over/under on Sexy Rexy picks thrown in the Super Bowl? I’ll set the line at a conservative 2.5, but thinking four shouldn’t be too tough for him to hit enough Colts’ cornerbacks in the chest with a pass.

Excuse while I cut this short today because Wyatt greeted us with a night of taking care of his fever so sleep was cut to taking a short snooze in between the football games yesterday.

Thanks for dropping by, now how many people have signed up for ePassporte accounts? I’m on the fence about this and figuring I’ll just take a check when its time to cash out versus signing up for a soon-to-be-hit-by-the-DOJ-hammer eWallet.

Some People...

... rode a sled after making snowcastles

... took their morning naps like a champ

... played too much online poker

Enjoy your weekend folks

Protect Me From Me

Thank you Neteller. Thank you U.S. Government. Thank you Bill Frist.

You have just opened the floodgates to teaching the poker playing youth of this country how to launder money and take full advantage of basic economic concepts without attending a three hour lecture hall class three days a week for a semester.

Need chips on PokerStars? NO PROBLEM!! Just forward $50 to my (insert "acceptable eWallet here like PayPal) and I'll transfer over $35 in PokerStars currency!!

Had a bad run at Full Tilt? I feel for you, I do. But don't despair!! Because with $100 deposited in my PayPal account you'll get a bonus $5 in Full Tilt chips for $75!!! WHAT A FUCKIN GREAT DEAL EH?

Yes, the "EH" was intentional for reasons that the blunt skulls in Washington should figure out. I hope Lee Jones and our Irish friends at FullTilt have been cooking up a contingency plan for this occurence because after hearing word of Neteller's complete withdrawl my zest for playing poker went right out the window, despite the possiblity of some VERY easy money from people playing out of their bankrolls.

I found very good read that tied into this newest form of parenting by our elected representatives from Christopher Hitchens this morning titled "A Life of Living Dangerously" in January's edition of Maxim (Lacey Chabert doesn't suck to look at either). Go pick up a copy or maybe they'll have it posted on the Maxim website (which I can't access at work...). Basically its a three page rant about being denied the simple pleasures people took for granted because those things are considered "bad for you".

Like online poker.

Thanks for taking away my hobby (temporarily). Meanwhile, I may need to fire up a new MMORPG and become a zombied addict to obtaining Realm Points, +4 Staffs of OMGZORZ BOOOOM HEADSHOT, and start ignoring my family again. Yeah that was a fun time in my life.

Poker changed that.

Leave my fuckin life alone you self-serving assholes.

Thanks for dropping by, on a lighter note and definitely worth praises:

Jason "Spaceman" Kirk brought the WSOP coverage to Bluff Magazine and announced Dennis Perry as the winner of the WSOP Circuit Event in Tunica taking home $563,402. The man is moving around the country to cover these and WPT events for Bluff, make sure you drop by to say hi to the rabid Predators' fan.

Pauly has announce the final table is set down under at the Aussie Millions and Jimmy "Gobboboy" Fricke is the chip leader in what should be an exciting final table with a few familiar faces such as Gus Hansen, Andrew Black, and Kristy Gazes. Good luck Doc!!

Raindrops Falling On My Head

But what happens if a Canuck puts a brick in there... I think the cold weather has something to do with our neighbors to the north coming up with competitive pillowfighting. Any chance for a Keeley Hazell vs. Ashton fight?

Loser has to make a sex video with their ex-boyfriend. Oh, guess it already happened (kudos to Wicked Chops once again and the video is VERY NSFW!!!).

But, Snake, Addict, and Chops are not all about the T and A (not that there's anything wrong with that) as they've compiled a listing of all the news surrounding the recent arrests of John Lefebvre and Stephen Lawrence. I first saw the news on Bill’s site yesterday morning, but now Pokernews and other outlets have reported that their arrest is for transferring funds to and from online gambling sites.

“This is not good” - Chris Knight

Of course we’ve seen the speculation about the sky falling before, and maybe I’m lucky that my Full Tilt jersey is currently in a plane with a destination of the frozen tundra (note to UPS guy: make a left at the third glacier, watch out for flying penguins). I’ve dumped my cash into Full Tilt and Stars leaving some beer money in Neteller while this news story takes shape. Realistically, not much will happen right away but these news stories can’t be good for those people who were on the fence about depositing and trying out the pixelized version of poker.

We’re back to the day the UIEGA was funneled through the Senate behind shady law-making practices. Everyone will be up in arms for awhile, but possible true blow lies beneath the liquidity of poker funds. Right now transferring and withdrawing those ill-gotten gains is easy and relatively secure, soon players that want to hang around may have to resort to shadier fly-by-night eWallets vs. ones that currently have their funds secured by mom and pop financial institutions like the Royal Bank of Scotland (that’s a little internet sarcasm for our friends across the pond).

I’ll be sticking around as long as I don’t manage to dump off my remaining bankroll to the PLO8 heathens.

Since my recent days at the tables have mirrored Tony Romo’s ability to hold an oblong pigskin upright, I will be “shifting gears” tonight and have set aside $100 to play strictly SnGs for a night, double up or bust is the motto. Thought it would make for a different, strictly poker post for KeepYourPokerFace tonight starting after Wyatt has used up all his excuses to stay up and watch “Hard Hat Harry” again. I must admit that The Village People-reject likeness of title character is a little disconcerting.

Thanks for dropping by, now I’ll take a peek at 2+2 and probably see a 20 page thread in the works about this latest Neteller story… nope its only 11 pages as of 7am CST

Yes, That Does Look Good On You

Ok, so my losses haven't totalled the amount that this guy has managed to squirrel away. I'm beginning to think he had Mike Tyson as his financial consultant.

Not too many people have the stamina to lose $100 million+ but Jack Wittaker probably regrets ever buying that Powerball ticket.

I’m trying not to regret learning how to play poker.

These last two nights have been an eye-opener of sorts, losing 25% of one’s bankroll can do that to a person. Make a good read, play accordingly, lose the hand. Play aggressively, get called by a worse hand, lose the hand. Have a good hand, get beat by a better hand. You know, its easy to look around on the web for stories of triumph and winning. But, do seek out someone on the shit end of variance or probably my lowered skill level takes some searching.

“In the long run” “Mathematically correct” “Correct call/raise/fold” Terms you listen to when the board does not favor your hand and try to hold them like that tattered blankey you refused to part with. Terms you’d like to forcefully insert down the throat of the well-wishers, but silently thank them for keeping the faith and are thankful for their kind words. My spreadsheet is 11 rows of red currently. Eleven sessions of losing, half of them full stacks or more, I take responsibility for all of them. I played the hands, I made the decision to risk my money “with the best of it” (or sometimes not-so-much).

Ryan had a great post recently about “tilt” and how the only person you can blame for it is yourself. I’ve learned this lesson awhile ago, being reminded when things aren’t so cheeky is a reason to continue drudging thru the 18 inch deep snow walking uphill both ways while carrying thirty pounds of midget beastiality porn and coming out a better player when variance shines in your direction.

And Mr. Rini managed to publish yet another gem for those in the position I reluctantly find myself at the moment. Here are a few tips for players on a losing streak that I will be trying out myself:

5) Drop down in limits: This might be the bullet I need to bite but I am rolled for the $100 tables to sustain a hit like I’ve taken. Maybe a few days of dropping down and getting in some positive sessions would help me forget that I watched Back to the Future: Part 2 last night. What an awful movie, seeing Lea Thompson with a huge rack was the only the plus.

7) Play fewer tables: Besides moving down one level, starting tonight I will try playing only two tables at a time. This doesn’t seem to be the reason behind my slide; it could help shave some of the variance.

I will probably continue this poker soul searching on Keep Your Poker Face tonight if you enjoy tales of woe. Tomorrow I promise a little sunshine in this space even if the tables continue to laugh at my futile attempts to win.

Thanks for dropping by, now did anyone watch Maria Sharapova’s match this morning? Granted my eyes were mostly glued to those lovely stems appearing below her skirt, but she was realistically two points away from becoming the 2nd number one seeded woman to lose in the opening round at the Australian Open. Guess even the best in the world can have an off day but at least she could smile a little more and show a little more skin.

Six Sigmas of Losing

None will improve your lot If you yourself do not.

-- Bertolt Brecht, 1933

Amen.

My faults continue to haunt me to this day as I can’t let go of the five buy-in loss over the weekend (which is the most in three years of playing poker for this guy). Some kind of sick six sigma losing streak that I can’t get out of my head. No, I’m not “taking a break” or slowing down or buy a season’s worth of Dr. Phil’s therapeutic daytime show.

http://twodimes.net/h/?z=2314243
pokenum -o8
jh jc tc ah - as 9s 7s kh -- jd th ts
Omaha Hi/Low 8-or-better: 820 enumerated boards containing Ts Jd Th
cards scoop HIwin HIlos HItie LOwin LOlos LOtie EV
Jc Tc Ah Jh 818 818 2 0 0 0 0 0.998
As 9s 7s Kh 2 2 818 0 0 0 0 0.002

When I complain about bad luck, I know its really my own fault for losing, but can’t seem to look behind the curtain and find the reason why. The above hand to me was just bad luck, I don’t know much about math but .002 EV can’t be much of a favorite and you'd probably want that person to stay in the hand with you. Right?

Hell even the Gophers went down this weekend after 21 straight games without a loss. Granted Wisconsin isn’t Holy Cross, but when the rodent’s play mirrored the Mankato games from the previous weekend, any semi-decent team would have a shot at the blanket defense the Gophers have this year. Stinkin Badgers.

On the lines of Six Sigma losing… how the hell did the Pats win that game? I’m still shaking my head at all the opportunistic flags and fumbles that flew at the right times for maximum effect. Pats fans should just nod their heads and look forward to the annual Peyton choke-a-thon next weekend but don’t count their kicker going wide right towards the Atlantic Ocean again on a crucial field goal attempt. Vinatieri has the nerves of a Navy Seal surviving Hell Week and the legs of Pele. Prepare for getting beat by your own creation.

Thanks for dropping by, now check out Pauly's video recap of Day 1A of the Aussie Millions. Make fun of his glasses at your own risk.

BORDER BATTLE!!!!

vs.

Bring it. Is the usual ten dollar wager agreeable?

Much Resolute About Nothing

Being a taskmaster and goal setter, I’m looking to fail miserably at the follow things in 2006:

1) Move up to the highest PLO8 tables on Stars: This one is tough, since even the lower limits are riddled with “regulars” and make the games fairly tight. I have been playing more tables, and 25% of the time one step higher, but no where near the $3/$6, $5/$10 game I suck

2) Re-learn to play limit poker: Even though I’d find more pleasure in eating lutefisk naked with Walter Mathieu in an unheated ice fishing house on Lake Vermillion, limit poker is the bread and butter of the poker world despite what’s shown on TV. The big bet games may dry up in the future so learning limit will be critical to those who love this hobby. I’ve been dabbling in the $2/$4 and $3/$6 LO8 games with mild success, while donating in the $3/$6 LHE games. I’d like to move up to $5/$10 by the end of the year. Holy you-suck Batman! There's a Enron sized red ink river flowing in my spreadsheet and its all from limit play. I will pick up the limit game later this year after padding my bankroll a little bit.

3) Win a MTT and/or Bust a Pro at Full Tilt: I like poker trophies, so getting one of those “I Busted _______ “ t-shirts from Full Tilt is definitely on the agenda for 2006. I don't know if they give away the T-shirts any longer, but I did chop up a Riverchasers tourney. Not the "major" win but the money didn't suck either.

4) Read and Re-read Poker Library: I’m about 1/4th of the way through SSII, having read a dozen other books in 2005. I’d like to read more into the psychological side of poker and thru past posts I have several suggestions from fellow bloggers and readers to follow up on. I've put a hold on this this literary jihad on poker books to keep poker fun and prevent re-re-re-reburning out.

5) Play in the 2006 WSOP LO8 tourney: The dear and patient wife has given the green light to play (she never ceases to amaze me) and will be escorting me to the Rio should my bankroll be able to take the hit. I’ve heard of potentially asking people to back me, and I’m sure there would be several kind people to do so. I’ll need to discuss with a few experts before seeking backers. Closest I got to even flying to Vegas for the WSOP was watching the Travel Channel's repeat of "Vegas Do's and Don'ts".

6) Come up with a name for the new spawn: Drizzette has too much of a double penetration porn queen sound to it. Like Wyatt’s name, I’m sure it will become clear before the baby checks in to our world. Kyra Vegas is going to have her daddy wrapped around her finger. The cute ba-ba-ba-ba babble has started and I melted.

7) Get Together With the Minnesota Mafia and Raid Canterbury: Being the least mobile of the group this will depend on the others to pick up my gimpy ass to go check-raise some ice fisherman off his pair and runner-runner flush draw. Maybe steal some poker magazines while there if Chad doesn’t take them all first. I might be driving by springtime (fingers crossed) so I might be able to pick up the city boy for some donkey poker or even make it to a bar poker night downtown.

8) Teach Little Drizz the art of the curve ball: If he chooses to play sports, I’ll be there to teach. The kid has an arm, but has taken to throwing right-handed unfortunately and looks to have the same skill set for a two strikeouts/two walks per inning average that his pappy did while up on the hill.

How about some simple resolutions for 2007?

1) Driving by the springtime: It has been 6 years since I last drove down 494 on the way to work while reading Dilbert in the Star Trib, and laughing at the H.R. cat as he told Dilbert to start squinting instead of receiving new glasses.

2) Balance Poker and Family Life: This one is already going well, as I normally do not play while the kids are up thus daddy doesn't get upset when pleads of playing Hi-Ho-Cherri-o are ignored while their father contemplates a call on a river re-raise. I do lose a wink of sleep sometimes but I love my hobby and its worth missing an hour or two of sleep.

3) Save Enough Money For a Trip: If the poker blogging well doesn't run dry, I'll have the american greenbacks to make a trip this year that I'm already looking forward to. Extra kudos if I can actually plead with the Omatards to let me win once in a while.

4) Read One Book per Month: I've been on a detective novel tear lately with Tami Hoag and John Sandford (suggestions are more then welcome), reading is more enjoyable compared to watching Ghostbusters II on some triple digit channel that I didn't even knew existed in the cable package.

5) WSOP: Its still on my list of one thing to do before I die, and will remain on my list every year. To some its a fore-thought as they play 30+ of the now 55 events. But, for the lower limit grinders its the brass ring that seems to allude my grasp each year. This year has an added incentive as PLO8 is being introduced to the line up and there's finally a game I would feel very comfortable playing against any pro.

Thanks for dropping by, now I hope you all are going to sign up for the Riverchasers kick off event this evening as I plan to have a drink or two this evening to relax and drop some hammers on the way to the final table.

Copied from Herr SoCo himself:

Tournament: 10754917
Riverchasers.com Tour Kickoff
Thursday January 11th, 2007 9 pm ET
NLHE$10+1
password: riverchasers

Edit: A story that will make you say "what the fuck, eh?" Spy coins? What's next flying death beavers?

Edit to an edit: Due to W's words last night my friend's stay in Iraq has possibly been extended beyond his April homecoming which would have been just in time to hit up the frost-bitten links together. Not happy.

Moody With a Side of Illness

Watch this because you have nothing else going on this morning besides filling out TPS reports and your cube-mate stole the last cruller again.

Is it sad that I did not see one movie that was listed at the People's Choice Awards (except "Cars" which I viewed as many times as I've seen my wife's back while climbing into bed)? Did anyone watch Robin Williams get lost inside Queen Latifah's dress while attempting some ill-conceived dry hump? And you thought walking in on your parents was bad.

I quickly changed the channel to Commando to watch the Govenator blow things up, spout some bad one-liners “don’t disturb my friend he’s dead tired” and Alyssa Milano in her days before lesbian flicks and showing off her witch boobies with that chick from 90210. All in the attempt to deflect another ho-hum day at the virtual tables in which I managed to lose a single digit amount and feel assy towards anyone I chatted with.

Hell even Speaker couldn't lighten me up to play in one of my favorite tourneys (HORSE token tourney at Full Tilt). And it’s not the poker causing a foul mood.

This mystery cold/flu bug has cast a germ ridden blanket over our house for the past six weeks and shows no signs of leaving. Sick + Tired = Shorten Patience, which of course leads to the dark side of the force and potentially crappy sequels. Faith I have an abundance of, but I’d be lying if I said my outwards appearance of smiles was genuine right now.

A deflection is set for Friday as my friends are getting together for some good old fashioned donkey poker with wild card games, Guts, Baseball, Maverick, and probably a Texas Hold Em’ tourney to appease Jay’s appetite for the game. No wheelchair rides will be necessary but I’ll hoist a few Cap’n Cokes in search of having a good time.

And please if you chat with me this week; tell me to put a goddamn stitch in it. I hate being a sourpuss while being around friends. Veneno... Thursday night will work :)

Thanks for dropping by, now if you haven’t been reading the REAL PokerStars Caribbean Adventure blog by Mrs. Otis (one more mention of “Otis is a hunk of Man Candy” and I think I’ll have to refrain from drinking around him during the next blogger meet). Check out her lushing it up with a couple of Brits and regretting the hangover the next day.

But, if you want the fruits of labor from this Adonis with a goatee… the WPT final table is set.

Its Like Galaga, Only It Cost More Quarters

To those who multi-table profitably beyond zwei or even drei number of tables... my Loden Hut is tipped in your direction.

I’ll write up tonight about the numbers behind day two of ten tabling the $1/$2 limit games on PokerStars to obtain a higher VIP status at Keep Your Poker Face. Quick synopsis: Not worth the eye strain and the amount of missed bets may outweigh the sheer amount of hands in which you get your opponents paying your superior hands off.

Some people swear by multi-tabling to the point where the game becomes a video poker slot machine vs. a ring game versus people sitting behind an avatar or cute kid picture. Since there’s no rakeback besides the fairly decent VIP program at Stars, at this point I would suggest trying to move up in levels versus attempting this grind of raising/folding/calling solely because Ed Miller told you it’s a good idea. Great author, but books shouldn’t be the bottom line when making poker decisions.

My daughter has decided it is imprudent to sleep during the single digit hours of the evening for the past few nights, because getting mommy and daddy out of bed is much safer. It doesn’t do much for my productivity at work, but it’s definitely trying out my ability to put together two coherent words together in a sentence this morning.

On a related note… which do you think can be accomplished faster?

a) Changing a diaper on a toddler who doesn’t understand the word “no” and loves her new found ability to roll over endlessly. Bonus points for not spilling poo all over.

b) Roping a calf’s legs after lassoing it from a galloping horse. Bonus points if you have ridden a horse more then Whiplash has saddled up on a dog.

Thanks for dropping by, now I’d like to thank the Florida Gators for erasing my horrid NFL weekend and showing the nation that the Big Ten was indeed overrated this year. But I do wonder if the game would have been closer if Teddy Ginn didn’t get gimpy.

I guess that would be like reflecting back on those fours you threw away to two raises only to see two all-ins and quads after the flop.

Your Love Doesn't Pay My Bills

Romosexuals are weeping, how you could trust a man who can’t hold his balls?

Eagles fans are rejoicing (Al and Big Mike, sorry I couldn’t make it to the Boathouse I figured you two got a flood of calls after Akers split the uprights). I tip a victorous Cap’n Coke in your general direction.

And I’m still in a household ready for inspection by the CDC. Its been almost a month now that we’ve been fighting this cold/flu bug at Casa De Germ causing just a little frustration and not so much post-holiday cheer. Not to mention some bedtime Barry White-esqe talk that includes “Baby, do you need a tissue and some Nyquil?”.

The little ones are feeling better due to an infusion of medicine and late night cuddles when their ear aches act up. Meaning even less sleep for me and the missus, but I’ll forgo a little sleep because I know they won’t stay small like this for long and soon I’ll be waking up in the middle of the night for different reasons to check on the kids.

With the downtime or uptime if you choose to reflect at it in a glass-half-full manner I did manage to take a roller coaster ride through variance this weekend, gaining only a gaggle of Full Tilt Points and FPPs at PokerStars. No gain, no pain. Well, a little pain of giving away some money to the mouth-breathers at the O8 tables again as I got called a moron and several other terms of endearment that should only be repeated on 50 Cent’s newest album. Yes, great job ducking my 21 outs twice once again sir. No, no, top pair is awesome!!! Thus the merry-go-round of poker continues and I’m still lining up daily for a ticket.

I did attempt to figure out the mind set behind becoming a “Supernova Elite” while playing nine tables of $1/$2 limit Hold Em’ for one hour. I figured most of those players are playing 10+ SnGs at the $215 or more level like the artist formerly known as PokerNerd, but could a small time ring game player do it?

At the end of the blinding array of cards, bad beats (both dished out and received), and a few U LUKY FOOKER OMFG U SUK comments I received a grand total of 376 VPPs (the barometer used to acquire such lofty status). Let’s do some fuzzy math:

You need one milllllllion (cue Dr. Evil) VPPs to get to SuperPokerGeek status and open the gates to the Valhalla of online poker.

Say you get an average of 400 points per hour at the lower levels (this goes up for those who play at higher tiers and 6-max games) but my figures are for the bottom feeders like me who picked every single NFL wrong this weekend and need to rebuild.

X = hours needed

400x = 1,000,000

X = a big fuckin number of hours that only cyborgs like those in the Supernova clubhouse will obtain (look for Otis to report the first Supernova Elite next month while standing next to the kid who looks like the space people from Cocoon).

At least I can still save up for a cool t-shirt, right?

Thanks for dropping by, now hop on over to PokerStars blog for more up to the nanosecond PokerStars Caribbean Adventure coverage by Otis.

Also, Pauly is already chasing losses down under while covering the Aussie Millions for Pokernews. Check out the cool video replay of a major hand during the tourney.

And just an fyi… Peppermint lotion does not soothe the effects of shaving.

Enjoy your breakfast!

Four for Four Special

"If I get six pizzas how much is it?"

"Regular price, then four bucks four bucks four bucks four bucks four bucks"

Four hours of poker spanning a PLO8 SnG, PLO MTT, some deep stack micro-NLHE with people trying to take my precious pennies (I'M LOOKING AT YOU SOXLOVER!!!). :)

And three tables of PLO8 $100, for four hours and what did I get?

Four bucks.

See you at Pizza Hut.

Thanks for dropping by, now my pimp post is up at Keep Your Poker Face for Pauly and Otis as they tackle the major tourneys happening in places that are not covered in snow.

Those Who Can't Do, Teach

This doesn't help my wrap draws come in, or keep the flocks of groupies away while chanting for more peppermint lotion. (Can I say I hate Moveable Type, can't figure out the pictures or how to set a proper link).

But it was a nice ego boost that someone felt I had a little poker knowledge to share.

And for those who need real entertainment, the latest collection of Truckin' scribes from Dr. Pauly:

Truckin' - January 2007, Vol. 7, Issue 1

Welcome back to the first issue of the new year!

1. Merry Ethan by Paul McGuire When I was done with my public display of urination, The Rooster stood in front of the bar with Ethan Hawke who smoked a cigarette. That's when I yelled out, "Yo Ethan, who's better in the sack? Winona or Uma?"... More

2. By Mennen by Otis I can't remember where I read it, but for some reason I believe that Adolf Hitler was so concerned about potential body odor that he went to extreme measures (I think it was surgery) to alleviate perspiration. Of course, I may be making this all up... More

3. Pulling a Dawn by Dawn Summers She cleaned up the spill with paper towels and soap-soaked sponges and carefully picked up every piece of broken glass. Well, almost every piece. She apparently missed a shard that had slid near the fridge, but her bare heel stepped up to the plate and snatched it right up when Dawn went to get some butter. Dawn said some bad words as she left bloody heel prints from the kitchen to the bathroom... More

4. Reunion by Doog For the first time, Sean noticed the evidence of years' passage on her face the small wrinkles around her eyes and mouth, the youthful freshness lost from her skin. She was no longer the perfect girl he remembered from ten years ago, but she was certainly a very beautiful woman... More

5. The Tulsa Incident by Sean A. Donahue I had to alert the authorities, I had to let them know that something shady was going on here, something wasn't right. I slowly started back toward my car, careful not to make any noise as I passed the men's room... More

6. Shadow Boxing by Nick Cantwell We met in a Deli. I'd just finished training.I spilt her coffee as I squeezed my big ass past her table.I bought her another one. She asked me what I did. Punchbag. Boxer I told her... More

It Smells Like Teen Dating

Her hair was a feathery blonde that came from a Farrah Fawcett poster and hinted a smell of citrus fruits. The smile, crooked with deviation and playfulness. Her eyes mirrored my own as a deep ocean blue to be gazed into for its vastness and had no end. From playing hockey and soccer she had legs that carried a F.D.A. recommended daily allowance of viewing.

The honest laughs came from her locker adjacent to my pictures of Chris Chelios and Rachel Hunter. Despite my outwards appearance of two or members of “The Breakfast Club” meshed together, she’d spend the two or three minutes talking about last night’s hockey game, or on special occasions a simple note drafted on grayed notebook paper before the bell sounding a warning to run to Civics class.

The first kiss lasted nearly two hours and didn’t stop until the lights came up the driveway, casting a shadow into the porch, signifying my parents were home and we were supposed to be at the Homecoming game. With the trusted multi-colored 85’ Nova parked out front we quickly gathered up articles of clothing that happened to fall to the carpeted floor and took a few minutes to exchange smiles as I dropped her off with Tears for Fears playing in the background.

For the high school years, a cat-and-mouse game would be played, she’d throw a scrap of interest my way and I’d lap it up like a heroin addict looking for a hit. Fuck dignity or any sense of pride, it was her! She calls, and I come a-runnin with my hard-on whipped out of my pants looking for a score that would never happen.

Much like my poker game.

I’ve tried several times over the course of the past two years to move beyond the $100 tables and each attempt has been thwarted by those soft, lavender smelling B-cups. The relatively higher stakes look so attractive, yet I find them so unattainable with my game because of the “bad luck” I get with each attempt. Each new slap carries a bigger scar that doesn't go away easily. Whether it be a flush card, the board pairing, “getting your money in with the best of it”, yadda yadda yadda, the door to her locker seems to close right before her newest boyfriend would walk down the hallway from Trig class and shuttle her off to her next class.

Tenacity or stupidity? I still can’t figure out what keeps me going nightly, weekly, monthly, yearly in the pursuit of something that every curve of body language is pointing out that I’m not in the right place. Each time the black chips slide into the middle, some horrible mole with a hair sticking out of it appears as the fifth card and I’m left with blue balls and scrambled porn on a 13” TV set.

Sure, variance will a shine a light on me one of these days while taking a shot, but in the meantime you’ll find me in the arms of another former soccer player that I get to call my wife.

Thanks for dropping by, now if you have any critique or suggestions for my new pokerific site KeepYourPokerFace, let em rip. I’m trying to find a balance (special thanks to Pauly).

Tugboat Stuck in a Hurricane

Being around two sick kids for over ten days tends to wear on one’s patience. I’m not sure that my inability to make instant pancakes (with chocolate chips of course) to the exact specification that my loving wife wanted caused her to blow up at me but it still happened.

Now, I’m back in the quiet comforts of work with the number (112) in black bold print on my inbox reminding me that I was gone for several days and people who didn’t get last week off would like some letters and punctuation marks thrown in their general direction. Right after I hit up a couple of points…

Bobby Knight, congrats you chair-throwing basketball genius. I can’t help but feel after watching Sportscenter this morning that you looked like your fly was down while the cheers rang out after victory 880. Maybe it was Dick Vitale’s presence with those four dorks behind him, body painted in crimson red that will probably get laid the next the Vikes are listed in a playing capacity for the Super Bowl. But, I think the real reason was… it wasn’t inside Assembly Hall at IU. You still look like a porn slapper giving out ½ off coupons to Subway or Pamela Anderson accepting an acting award. You deserved to have that moment at your real home General.

Vacations are no longer “resting time” when the second child invades your home. No, it’s a time of running around and doing everything besides getting completely different identities and moving to Canada under the alias Jean-Pierre LeFrenc the professional syrup maker. I manage a couple of nice snoozes, but for the most part I played the role of daddy or verbally beaten husband that just tries to stand out of the way. My wife takes on too much and I get the backlash when the dam breaks and the flood of emotion pours out into Lake GetTheFuckOutOfMyWay. Oh, the joys of marriage! Top it off with Wyatt hanging a temp of 103 and the little one expressing her discomfort of three nasty diapers in three hours and there’s little joy in Mudville.

At least the wings were good and thanks to Boise State’s refusal to die and refusal to go into OT #2… I’m $100 richer thanks to hitting my number board! SKOL BLUE (or whatever they call themselves)!

Thanks for dropping by, now I’ll try tomorrow to come up with last year’s resolutions and make up some for this year that I’ll follow for .438 seconds and just go back to watching Deal or No Deal reruns on CNBC.

Also big props to Joe Speaker at the page formerly known as the Obituarium on his new gig at PokerWorks!!!!

Edit: Jeepers... guess a few more congrats are in order... Change100, Amy, and Maudie all join the PokerWorks team!!! Congrats ladies!!!

StB... you played the hand just fine. Good strat, bad call by the idiot.

Wing and a Prayer

After some well wishes by ya'll I decided to accept the position of poker blogger over at Creative Weblogging.

Most of my poker-y content will be found here at Keep Your Poker Face. Personal knick-nacks, rants about muther f'in Eagles, Saints, Cleveland and the other 40 NFL teams that managed to lose for me yesterday will still be found here (I feel dirty about betting big on the Packers though...)

My voice there will be a drier, more conservative one as I'll be passing along links of the going on's in the poker world rather then explaining how quantum physics relate to the Swede in the five seat at my PLO8 table that forgot his fold button as I would here. Or how I pondered on life while risking frostbite last night in my buddy's garage holding a Private Stock Cap'n Coke and gurkha cigar.

A post perhaps for tomorrow. Wish me luck.

Thanks for dropping by, now its time for some college bowl games that matter! Well, if you have a numbers board or attended one of the school they do.