Saturday, April 01, 2006

860th Greatest Poker Player

As the 860th greatest poker player (as of 6/3/05) I often have to fend off pesky things like women wanting me to autograph their newly minted 36 DDDs on the way to work. This greatly annoys me as there’s only so much Bobby Bracelet I can give back to the community while keeping it real.

And keeping it real I do.

Between my charitable work of exterminating the world of douchebaggery and making sure Playboy Bunnies are sexually satisfied daily there’s little time for Bobby Bracelet to think about Bobby Bracelet. When I stand in front of a mirror and admire the hunk and the junk looking back at me, I often theorize how difficult it must be for people to go through life and not be me. Alas, this my way of giving back to the people (even that fuck-tard at Arby’s who spent five minutes at the drive-thru window deciding between a curly fries and a potato cake only to ask for sliced apricots instead because his shoe size IQ wouldn’t allow his Michelob Ultra bottle cap sized brain process the fact that Arby’s doesn’t serve sliced apricots and he should stab himself in the face for displaying an act of stupidity unseen since Larry the janitor used his 1000 original shares of Microsoft as toilet paper back in 1979 and now is resigned to playing bingo every night at the VFW for beer money).

Where was I?

Oh yes, giving to the people. I am a giver, just ask those three ladies that confirmed my junk and lived to tell the tale. I hear they have orgasms from just hearing the word “Bobby”. I, Bobby Bracelet of WSOP and iPod fame will teach YOU how to not suck at life. I introduce this awe-flipping-some tome of daily affirmations so you too can block out all the ass-tards in your life.

OneTooMany: The Guide to Becoming a Poker God (like me)

Chapters will include:

- “Yes, my junk is huge, but I have standards” (how to get women begging for more)

- A guide on check-raising douchebag tourists off their straight flushes

- What to do when faced with a decision of going home with the blonde or a brunette

It pains me to give away my secrets, but Bobby Bracelet is giver not a receiver I just don’t swing like that.

Run don't walk to buy my book now before it’s too late. Peace.

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