Head Games

Ugh.

Just ugh.

The tires are spinning in the mud and all I'm doing is sinking and spraying dirty water in five million different directions. Same mistakes, different night. The "aw fuck it" calls are here to stay appearently, and I can't find a way around them.

Just another night of mediocre poker played by yours truly. Yeah, the suck outs were harsh, and the coin-flips turned their backs on me once again but I'm still pissed about my horrible psychological play. Yes, I know I'm beat, I call anyway.

Great poker there Drizz, thanks for your donation.

I'm starting to feel like a guy stuck in a bad relationship or situation. You can SEE the problems, you KNOW there's a problem, but you fail to ACT on the problem. It becomes a routine. You start to accept things you do not agree with and carry on thru the day and the next and the next. This chips away at your patience (and bankroll) and you might even become something that you cannot look at in the mirror after your morning shower.

There's a big difference between settling for something due to compromise, and compromising yourself to settle. One is a choice YOU consciously and voluntarily make in order to improve the satisfaction of waking up in the morning. The other is involuntary, and most likely weighs heavily upon you every moment your awake.

Are we talking about poker? I suppose we could segue into a relationship/life-introspection type thing. But, take the words however you wish as Tony Robbins/Dr. Phil I am not.

I like to discuss poker. And this morning, my play is weighing heavily upon me. Yes, as stated there was cold cards, but once again I failed to control the things that I can use, like the fold button and setting the amount of my bet. Hulk smash all-in button!

Sigh.

I'm not burnt-out, or overworked, just stuck continuously compromising my game to settle for what's easy. For example: Late in the Katrina tournament on Stars last night. AKs with 20BBs left, right around the average stack. I raise 4XBB and get flat called one ahead of me, flop comes out with none of my suit and ten high. I was in no danger of getting blinded out, nor did I tell myself to pull a stop and go pre-flop, and there was no game theory type "if the 3 of diamonds flops I'm pushing" type thought.

I pushed with no game plan, and a total disregard for the opponent's cards. He CALLED my pre-flop raise with something, he didn't re-raise push like several other monkeys were doing with QTo and A2o. He was playing the game, and not mindlessly shoving his stack like the monkey typing these words at the moment. In retrospect its easy to say "ah, he flipped over queens and you were in a coin-flip situation" (which I know to avoid like that KFC that's been sitting in the fridge since St. Patrick's Day). Did I use the information I collected after watching him play for the past 40 minutes? Noooooooooooooo. My monkey fucking a football thinking or non-thinking got me into trouble again.

Will the relationship get better over time? I'd like to think so. I know my marriage is probably a poster-child for reaping the rewards for persistance in overcoming adversity. I think a card game should be cake compared to the things I've had to overcome. Paying two mortgages and consoling a crabby Little Drizz after having to wake him up too early in the morning, are things I look forward to and are not hinderances. I voluntarily do these things, because I want to, and because I've taken the time to think them out.

Unlike my recent poker play.

I don't take the time to think things out. I should constantly be asking "why" before acting at the virtual table. Instead I'm finding myself saying "aw fuck it" again and again and again.

And that needs to stop. Soon, before my only mode of transportation to Vegas becomes Little Drizz's cherry red Big Wheel with the cool flame stickers on the sides of course.

Thanks for dropping by this sitcom/soap opera poker blog this morning, not sure what got me all misty but I needed to get it out so I can feel good about donating money to my favorite bloggers again.

Peace.