Snow has started to fall outside here in the Twin Cities and I find myself bundled up with emotions.
I saw the past last night as we partied after two different family dinners. Playing beer pong in an un-heated gargage at midnight with 20 others looking on.
I look at my son and see my present life as a father, caregiver, and an occasional rickety unsaddled horse with two bad knees. Even through the tantrums of not getting his way at the dinner table or crying for not being able to play with the toys he saw my wife bring in after her morning shop-a-thon, I find myself alive.
I look at my wife and see the future growing inside her and a life to begin with a family of four.
I look at myself in the mirror and wonder why I deserve such life. I still see a broken person staring back at me in the mornings and can't dispel a hate for my roadless continuation. A goal-setter without a goal to reach makes for one very confused and lost person. As I write this, I'm not sure where I want to go or what to do when I get to my next destination.
But Drizz you have the world waking you up at 8:30am with stuffed animals, a toothy smily, and a big "DADDY WAKE UP!". Maybe I need to separate my wantings and give into the collective family, and there I'll find the happiness I seek.
Or maybe I'm just pouting again because of yet another 2-outer knocking me out of a tournament.
Whatever it is that's nagging me and causing the nauseous swirl in my head better leave soon, because I'm going to Vegas in 13 days to see some friends. I'd rather not show up downtrotten as a degenerate gambler on his last proverbial nickel, but as the person I write about in this blog, the person my wife wakes up with every morning, and the dad who cheers on his son as he knocks down a row of plastic bowling pins that have been re-set for the 22nd time.
Whew. Sorry had to find a place to get this junk out of my head so I could go enjoy the rest of the Thanksgiving weekend. Tomorrow, better spirits as I nail up a post about my beer pong tournament victory.
Happy Holidays folks, and good luck to all!