Monday, July 25, 2005

Is This Relaxing?

I love going to the cabin for the weekend. Its fairly quiet, I always drink too much, and there's plenty of room for Little Drizz to run off his boundless energy.

So why do I have a headache this morning?

The weekend started in a glorious way when the dear and patient wife mentioned on the ride up she would be dropping her degenerate gambling husband off at Grand Casino Hinckley for some low limit poker fun. And its not even my birthday (that's December 8th, mark your calendars and shower me with gifts)! I started mentally going over pot odds and overcalls in my head while making my way back to the poker room, politely declining the company of the seductive new penny slots before getting to the room. I put on my horse blinders and made my way to the stable of donkey poker...

Someone forgot to wake up the donkeys.

Sigh. I put my name on the waiting list and was informed that the room really didn't get going until afternoon. I can see why, since the casino STILL has failed to mark clearly how to get back to the poker room in the first place. So much for three hours of check-raising Fisherman Bill and Pepper his loyal golden retriever. I slinked back to the casino's main floor to see what kind of trouble I could get into now that I had to wait an hour or two. Video poker looks like fun, I paid the barkeep (its not Vegas here folks) for some satisifying macro-brew and plunked down $20 on a deuces wild machine. Someone forgot to tell the dealer to give me any deuces. Since my $20 lasted longer then an Elizabeth Taylor marriage and you're not allowed alcohol on the casino floor as I was reminded by a portly looking rent-a-cop who'd consumed more then his uniform could handle (what is this fuckin church?!?!?) I plopped myself down in the lounge area to watch re-runs of the Great Outdoors Games on ESPN. Hmmm log rolling looks easy enough, just tap dance back and forth on a spinning, wet log and stay there longer then your opponent. Too bad you need the balance of an African tribeswoman that can balance a 50 gallon jug on her head for 100 miles. After finishing my $24 beer, I went in search of a game which I could BS with people while eagerly awaiting the opening of the poker room.

Let-It-Ride! Since card games besides Blackjack are California Styled (meaning the players produce the house's funds by paying to play each hand) its difficult to walk away with a profit unless you hit a flush or above placing minimal bets. I won $8 for an hour and a half of play. I never increased my nickel a slot bets, betting like a pussy, but I was having fun since the dealer was the same woman who dealt to me last time I was there and playing the poker room. One thing that I didn't understand is no comps for this game. What the fuck? I'm wagering money just like the genius in the coffee stain wife-beater playing Blackjack, so why am I not rated (this goes for the poker room as well...). The pit boss couldn't come up with an explanation but I didn't feel like playing Blackjack in a casino since I'm batting near the Mendoza line in winning Blackjack trips. Guess I'll have to earn my free buffets thru the penny slots! Yeah I played a couple with lack of fanfare but I did get to meet Jan from Eau Clarie, Wisconsin.

No, Jan wasn't a fellow slot jockey. Jan came up to me red eyed while I was happily flushing my copper down the virtual tubes. Giving her the quick up and down she was a fairly attractive middle aged well-dressed woman (especially for noon on a Friday in a casino) . She was having trouble starting her car due to lack of gas (there's a gas station no more then 1/4 mile down the road...), despite spending the night at the casino. I informed her unfortunately I do not drive, thus cannot retrieve a gallon of gas from the gas station. She started looking more confused about what to do, as I was getting more confused on what exactly she wanted since we started chatting about the casino and such. I noticed her 45 carat diamond ring and inquired about her husband, she said she was here alone and just wanted some help with her car... ooooooooooooK. Did I just get propositioned here? I can be quite dense in this area. Unlike most of the blogging community I am not a "babe-magnet" but appearently I can reel in the housewive demographic like Ron Popeil can sell useless kitchen knick-knacks. Maybe I'm thinking WAY too much into this short five minute conversation, but when two and two make five it tends send off warning signals.

After I informed Jan of the front desk being able to double as AAA and help her with her non-OPEC induced oil shortage, the poker room finally called my name two hours too late. I was only able to play for an hour when I looked up from my JTs after hearing "DADDY DADDY" and the dear and patient wife was carrying Little Drizz by. She said she came a little early and said she would just wait in the snack bar for a hour. Yeah, I love playing with a 500 pound gorrila of guilt on my back, thanks hon. The play wasn't totally horrible with 4 out of 9 players were playing ABC poker and one guy who looked like the great-grandpa in Grumpy Old Men who called down every pair... just in case. I lost five BBs for my hour long "session" all on the hand with the senile calling station as he called down his Ace high when I flopped top pair, turned a straight, and rivered a flush... he hit the nut flush. The reaction was priceless though, you'd think he'd won a date with Nicky Hilton as he fumbled with ALL of his chips (about $60 worth) and splashed them into the pot, before the dealer had the chance to correct him. I started laughing and paid him off the one extra BB just so he wouldn't have to change his oxygen tank. I decided that was my queue to go see my son flinging peppermint bon bon ice cream at the dear and patient wife. -$58 was the damage but well worth it. I got my fun in, but would have preferred to play with that soft table longer and recooperate some of my losses.

The weekend at the cabin came and went as normal, except for the oppressive heat. I don't remember adding sauna to my bedroom but good god I got ZERO sleep over the weekend. Being a sizable guy (in more ways then one... *snicker* *snort*, thank you I'm here all week, enjoy the Lefsa!) on a twin bed, with a spouse, in deep humidity, does not equate to restful slumber. But I was able to curl up to a couple of good books, including the first 200 pages of the new Harry Potter series (definitely rating it a BUY so far). Also enjoyed some bingo (I won four bucks WHOO WHOO!) and a round of golf with E. But that humidity just drained my life force this weekend, leaving me to zombie through my cube monkey day today. I guess weekends aren't for relaxation anymore then family road trips are :)

Thanks for dropping by, now go here to view how much I rock at poker. Try not to hurt yourself laughing. :P

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