Waffle House Dreaming

The beach isn’t for me personally. Sure you could wax poetic about the footprints in the sand having its own lifeline of memories until the tide comes in to erase the slate and start anew every morning. Enjoying the gently rising sun with a wind skipping off the tops of the waves, it was a hangover cure that no perfectly mixed Bloody Mary or pills found at the gas station cash register could match.

But, with my Nordic complexion the sun beats down on me like a nagging wife after too many beers with the softball team. My vacation started with a tree-lined drive to Columbia to meet up with old friends. These friends are not ones that are seen every weekend on the golf course or over at Mama G’s to play some volleyball and swap kids stories with their pitcher drink specials on the patio. Internet relationships are kept via blogs and girly IMs being passed out while firing up some virtual poker or banging away a post to fund the next Vegas trip. Big Pirate was well, big, and flagging me down in front his law firm’s blue painted office that more sense then the blue tinted 84 Lumber yard unless his specialty was lumberjack litigation.

A drive with a couple of co-workers found us on the countryside in front of a older, but well-kept restaurant for some real South Carolina BBQ that this yankee had expressed an interest in. Had I been smart and quicker, one of those squirt bottles of BBQ sauce would have made it into my Full Tilt luggage bag as a souvenir. Best. Damn. Pork. Ever. Every piece soft, juicy, and the spicy mix of hot sauce with the yellow BBQ sauce made my tongue dance. Throw in the small town hospitality of the owner chatting it up and the waitress making sure we were stuffed with the sweetest, best tasting liquid that this normal Lipton green tea drinker ever had, made the experience complete.

Back on the road after moving my belt buckle up a notch, it was time for a Columbia history tour courtesy of the Big Pirate before heading up the highway to invade G-Vegas. The Mexican restaurant sat up top looking down on the motorist going by while the glasses of Otis, G-Rob, and Badblood were in various stages of being refilled as we stepped onto the porch area to relax with a few cocktails before heading over to the host’s home for poker.

“How much money did you bring?” stated the chrome-domed recent winner of many play money chips on Stars.

With that and the addition of Shep and TeamScottSmith, we started the detour-dotted road towards casa del Blood for poker and a prop bet game called “Drizz shut the fuck up”. Classic rock on the Comcast network should have been up my wheelhouse to pick a band that would display their air guitars and bad hair for $5 a song from everyone, $10 if you picked the song as well. But, my choice of KISS and Gene Simmons didn’t manage to bang through the beautiful new TV the host had set up in his living room through the entire night making that the most expensive part of the trip.

A skinny kid in a SnailTrax shirt bellied upto the wonderfully crafted poker table and we were set for a night of card and sarcasm slinging. The poker game doesn’t need the full rehash as the host was most kind in starting me off with a perfectly mixed martini, followed by a bottle of Captain Morgan Silver that I believe I put a decent sized dent into while chipping up via suckouts. After which Otis asked me if I was having a good time due to the ill-gotten gains, but the chips in front of me didn’t have a meaning. I was more focused on seeing people I’ve met thru this space on the internet, and amazed how easy the slipper of friendship was to put on.

Granted ending up a winner for the evening didn’t suck, but I was more focused on enjoy the time even if it got a little fuzzy when the game broke and Big Pirate, Shep, and Scott hauled my rum soaked ass over to the Waffle House for some sobering food and chat (yes Shep, next on my list for a South Carolina trip is to try grits for the first time). Being served by a burnt out looking Michele Pfeiffer with a tattoo on her forearm and a largely-chested female showing ravine-like cleavage in the booth next to me with some tasty vittles of breakfast food topped off what I deemed “my vacation”.

I had a great time with the kids (minus the plane flights from hell), enjoyed the company of my wife, but the few hours I was able to spend with those I’ve met through this page will remain my best memories of the trip.

Thanks.

Two Hours of Sleep Means You Get This

Parenting advice #415:

If the cough syrup doesn't work on the two year old for the plane flight, you're in for a world of hurt.

Be back tomorrow with Southern Hospitality that blew my mind and trying to keep my shit together in light of my darling two year old while on the both plane rides practicing her corner kicks on my leg, the seat in front her, the little air blowy thing, the DVD player, the old crabby guy wanking off to the newest edition of People magazine.

Observations From the Beach: Part 2

- No lights on the beach after 10pm because of Sea Turtles?!?!?! This seriously limited the ability to join in the 20-something party house down the street for naked beer pong competitions

- Heat + Kids + Shopping at the Chareleston Market Square = pain of a jellyfish shocking my nads

- Wife asks if I'd like to drink with her, wife has drink, wife goes to bed after one drink, why does wife bother starting up the drinking to stop at one while on vacation when I was ready to crash without cracking open my handle of Cap'n this evening?

- G-Vegas T-minus 8 hours, BadBlood sounds well prepared, I'm psyched, I probably won't leave with much of my "bankroll" after the Grey Goose martini's start flow however

- I WILL GO TO A WAFFLE HOUSE ON THIS TRIP EVEN IF I'M LATE FOR MY F'IN FLIGHT!!!!

That is all, and seriously Sea Turtles = $1,080 fine for lights being on. W-T-F

Pokerspace.com Announces Pokerspace Crew Cup Competition

Free Cardplayer poker cruises for small buy-ins, time to buckle down again for some excellent prizes out there from Pokerspace.com, details below:

No limit Hold’em poker, weekly small buy-ins, countless freerolls, spirited teams, top notch lessons, amazing prizes, and a dash of friendly rivalry. Only at Pokerspace will you find teams competing against each other in poker to win the Pokerspace Crew Cup!

The first to devise the idea of a Poker Crew competition, Pokerspace gives users a chance to form teams of up to 6 members and compete against each other. Users earn points for their teams, and through various tournaments can qualify to enter the Crew Cup Final. In a final tournament for all the qualifiers, the Crew that dominates will win the final prize. The latest competition successfully ended in June, sending six users on a $25,000 trip to Vegas to play in the 2008 WSOP.

With the completion of our first Crew Competition, it’s time to announce the latest Crew Cup contest. Hosted by Card Player Cruises, Carbon Poker, and Pokerspace, it will kick off July 2nd run until September 27th. The Crew Cup Final for qualifiers will take place on October 12th.

The crews will be battling for 6 all expenses paid trips aboard Card Players Cruises’ 7 night Mexican Riviera Cruise. Starting in San Diego, the cruise will visit hotspots like Cabo San Lucas, Mazatlan, and Puerto Vallarta in Mexico and offer several different tours. Possible excursions include dolphin encounters, horseback riding, sport fishing, and city tours. While not only offering your standard cruise trips and amenities, Card Player Cruises features a professional, fully staffed poker room open for the duration of the trip.

Check out www.pokerspace.com for more details, and the chance to win the trip of a lifetime!

Observations From the Beach: Part 1

It is quite warm here.

Today's activities:

- Staring at women wearing bikinis in the manner they were built for.
- Possible heatstroke from golfing while double fisting Yuenglings (damn this is still tasty beer).
- Taking the kiddies to Charleston to the water fountain park and buy tourist stuff.
- Not missing the final cup while playing beer pong and getting laughed at for my on-key replay of "Hott in Herre" complete with white-boy moves that McLovin wish he had.
- Purchasing a cigar or three and enjoying them when the sun decides that turning my skin from arctic white to paddled ass red isn't fun anymore.

Head or Gut?

If you had to choose between:

Arguing with your wife for five minutes and arguing with a two year old for the same amount of time, which would you pick (neither is not an option)

Anyone played one of these super turbo SnGs at Full Tilt? It beats out NLO8 as the new slot machine of poker.

Hope everyone had a safe blogger trip to Vegas, and those in a working capacity at the WSOP a hope for pictures of Kristy Gazes by the pool :)

The Worst Golfing Day Beats the Best Day at the Office

Staring at the clock for vacation officially starts... now.

If you want to get a hold of me next week I'll be here.

Doing this. And this. And getting this while here.

Next Friday I hope to be here, with these guys taking a bunch of these.

See you on the other side.

That Left a Mark

http://twodimes.net/h/?z=4788212
pokenum -h kd kh - 8h td
Holdem Hi: 1712304 enumerated
boardscards win %win lose %lose tie %tie EV
Kd Kh 1433301 83.71 271527 15.86 7476 0.44 0.839
Td 8h 271527 15.86 1433301 83.71 7476 0.44 0.161

Out 8th in the Bodonkey. Hope the blogger who won goes far the ME, I'm a little numb at the moment.

Bodoggie and Orange BBQ Mix Just Fine

Whether you placed 1st or 18th doesn't matter tonight.

Bodoggie. 1 WSOP Main Event package. Let's play.

Saturday: I'll be eating here if there's any luck involved with getting the family shuttled out to Charelston on time. Or snacking on orange BBQ wouldn't be horrible as well.

I've been so busy lately I totally forgot I was going on vacation by the end of the week including bringing Kyra on her first flight! I can hear Pauly groan from the Rio with stories about unrestrained kids on airplanes. We have the coloring books, snacks, and stickers all set, but besides a fifth of Jack Daniels and soda in her Dora the Explorer cup, any other parenting tricks out there for getting a "spirited" child to sit semi-quietly so I don't need to deal with the balding gold card carrying business traveler from Fargo blathering about the wild child who thought my daughter was cute until she decided that a toilet was too inconvenient to dump her Burger King kids meal waste and exclaims over and over "I GO POTTY!" until her degenerate father finally breaks away from his Cap'n Coke while listening to the podcast of the KFAN Power Trip Morning Show to deal with it.

Thank you kindly, and good luck to all those playing tonight. But, I was perplexed by this. Claim he sucks at poker all you want, but outing someone for cheating because you don't understand the play is like going for the anal fisting on the first date without lube. At least ask for the ass before doing so.

Yes, I'm That Guy

I'll be waiting for my free t-shirt and stress ball in the mail from my new gig.

And after last night, I have the utmost respect for those who this on a daily basis. Especially those in the press box currently at the WSOP. Kudos to all of you.

I don't know if I'm shooting myself in the foot by pretending to be a poker blogger, but I had fun last night despite the minimal amount of sleep this morning. Also, if you think the Sunday Million write-up totally sucked, go beat your face with Bobby Flay's corn lined hot waffle iron.

Just let me know if there's somethings I could work on for next time.

Much appreciated.

Edit: in my haze this morning I found this in my inbox....

Truckin' -- http://mcgtruckin.blogspot.com
Truckin' - June 2008, Vol. 7, Issue 6

Welcome to the birthday issue of Truckin!

We have now been around for six years.

1. Ikeaphobia by Paul McGuire
I kept imagining Swedish people in Sweden coming home from their Swedish jobs and sitting down on their Swedish couches and eating Swedish meals cooked in Swedish pans and served on Swedish plates... More
2. The Crucification of Kaminsky by Betty Underground
The diet pills made her skinny. Made her feel excepted in the land of the beautiful. The speed getting her through the days. Coke came at night, when she needed to escape her own mind. Her past... More
3. One Night Out, Part I by Sigge S. Amdal
I noticed that I wasn't alone in the alley, and I looked up quick enough to see a prostitute coughing up a recognizable white substance. She looked up and for a brief time our eyes met. Only one window apart earlier, but out here we were both equally being sick. It was a strange moment of solidarity... More
4. The Reason Why... by May B. Yesno
The place had a less than classy name, The Roamin Gardens, to say little of the fact the only garden about it were two fake, potted palm trees at the front door. A typical sleazy pick-up joint. One in which you feel like everything you touch you can pick-up most anything... More
5. Drafting Richard Petty by Drizz
Imagine starting every day with these heavy chains pinning you to Davy Jones' Locker, and having zero motivation to try to swim to the surface because those depths didn't provide any sunlight to reach... More
6. FLASHBACK - Fukuoka, Phishy City by Tenzin McGruppThe workers are tiny Japanese girls who wear the most adorable white and red uniforms and lovely white gloves cover their tiny hands. They greet you with big smiles and sing a nice happy song to you as the customers pay... More

Good grief. Pretty soon my ego is gonna rival G-Rob's if this keeps up. He'll still have the hair though.

One Place I Never Want To See Corn

Watched "Iron Chef" for the first time.

While most the tasty morsels looked fresh-Wisconsin-cheese-curds-first-day-of-the-fair delicious...

... why the hell would Bobby Flay put corn on waffles?!?!

Dude.

Please explain to the man that is only allowed to rip open packages labeled "Hot Pockets" for meals at home.

Yeah, I Like Pancakes

A Waffles sighting in Mankato trying to get with the hotties on the campus. Hope he hurried back home to yell at the monkey avatar for hitting a gutter-ball straight on him:

MANKATO, Minn. (WCCO) ― Mankato investigators believe women near a Minnesota college campus are being targeted by a stranger with a strange request. Within the past two weeks, the man has apparently approached two sunbathers near Minnesota State-Mankato and told them he was a professional massage therapist.

The first incident happened around 2:30 p.m. on May 25. The man approached a 19-year-old sunbathing outside of her apartment. She told police she just walked away from him after he made inappropriate comments.

A week later, police believe that same man approached another 19-year-old woman sunbathing outside of her apartment a few blocks. Again, she told police he introduced himself as Craig, a massage therapist, and asked her for a drink. She went inside her apartment. "That's where things kind of went awry," said Mankato Public Safety Commander Jeremy Clifton. "He let himself into the apartment after her. And she didn't know he was there." Clifton said the woman told them he touched in her in "private places." Eventually, her protests and screams scared him away.

Investigators began looking into the cases on Wednesday morning after the two girls reported the incidents. According to police, the two knew each other as acquaintances and met at a party on Tuesday night. They began talking and realized they had both been approached by "Craig."

The women gave police a good description. He is about 300 pounds between 5 feet, 10 inches and 6 feet, 2 inches tall. He has a hairy chest and back, a large head, a larger than normal nose, somewhat high-pitched voice and an irritated sore above his upper right lip.

They're on to you, make sure you shave.

The return of drunken poker will not resume this week since work has kicked my ass into a submission hold hard enough to qualify all these TPS reports for a spot on MMAJunkie.com's feature page. You'll have to wait till next week for my easy money.

In other news, while playing poker I continue to feel like a guy who shows up for a game of Russian Roulette with a loaded shotgun and asks to go first. Maybe its variance, maybe its bad timing, maybe its because I suck (my choice) but I need to change something besides my daughter's diapers every night. No, I'm not into reading a poker book but a blog post or two wouldn't kill me as I play less and less yet write more and more (HINT!).

Cabin this weekend, me and Cap'n will become good friends while I plow through another Robert Jordan Wheel to Time series book. If you're into fantasy genre, highly recommended.

17 To Go

At least I didn't suck at both blogger series...


Drizztdj Your WSOP Seat Awaits!
Congratulations Drizztdj!
As one of the players who finished in the top 18 of our Poker Blogger Tournament Series you have earned a seat at the Final on June 10th at 9:05 p.m. ET.
The Online Poker Blogger Final costs nothing for you to enter and will see the winner receive a $12,000 WSOP* Prize Package and all the perks that come with being a part of Team Bodog at the World Series.
Other prizes are as follows:
2nd: T$540 enough to buy into two Main Event semifinals
3rd: T$379 enough to buy into a Main Event semifinal and our weekly $100K Guaranteed
4th: T$270 enough to buy into a Main Event semifinal
5th: T$109 enough to buy into our weekly $100K Guaranteed
Registering for the Final is simple:

* Open the Bodog Poker software and go to "Scheduled Tournaments"
* Select the "WSOP" tab
* Register in the tournament named, Online Poker Blogger Final
Please confirm that you received this notice by sending a reply email.
Good luck and hopefully we'll see you in Vegas!
Sincerely,
Bodog Poker
www.bodogbloggertournament.com

Happy Meal or Filet Mignon?

A quick question for the poker junkies out there then I need to return to the world of poorly crafted Access databases while I yern to know more about SQL and acquire more database knowledge:

Blinds 300/600/75
You have 3,000 chips behind after posting the big blind, folds around to a biggish stack of 22K who limps(!) on the button just three before the bubble of the daily double tourney. The small blind completes and you hold AQo.

Now the following constraints:
- You've already cashed in the other half of the daily double but are at just below par in chips on the other table.
- If you fold you WILL make the double cash before the blinds come around and a bonus for doing so ($20-$50) with the buy-in at $12 a piece, plus whatever happy meal money you receive on this table unless you double up about 15 times in a row (basically a win of $30 + ($20 to $50) - $24) but less of a shot at the $20K+ for the double win jackpot.
- You have zero fold equity from the big stack as he's a decent player (beside the afformentioned limp on the button) and understands live cards = auto-call
- Your 4 year old son thinks its a great night to test dad how many times I can get up before dad is forced to watch the second half of the Star Wars trilogy on DVD with George Lucas added features!!!11111
- Porn searching has come up dry this evening and you would rather just go to bed after not getting a shot at Smokkee's bounty in the bodoggie

After answering, please return to the WSOP coverage including CK's $1,500 O8 tourney recap.

Last Kid Picked For the Kickball Team

Getting an email from Reunion.com claiming: David, You Scored!!! 0 people have looked at your profile!

That's me. Mr. Popular back in high school. All 120 lbs. of tightly wound nerves with a black cloud hanging over my head, and a sense of fashion that was better suited for an all-day physical education class. I didn't hate high school, loathed it with exception of close friends that tamed the daily insecurities. Maybe a self-gazing story for the future as to why the 1,000+ people I marched with down the floor of the newly minted Target Center back in 93', aren't rabidly trying to find new pictures of my two mobile tax deductions in toddler clothes.

And for those wondering why you go through all the tantrums about that McDonald's happy meal Iron Man (or is it Speed Racer now?) toy you won't open until all of their wonderfully hand crafted food is gone? Check out AJ putting on a hitting clinic over at Speaker's site. That's why you go through the kicks to the nads after being told no more MarioKart (I've managed to keep my disappointments of the wife telling me to turn off the Wii to punching out a few walls), the peeing on the carpet because taking off clothes in the porch seemed like the right thing to do, and making good on those t-shirts proclaiming "Patience Tester" in sparkly pink letters across her chest.

If you're here for poker, I'll direct your attention to a few places:

- Tonight's Bodog is the last one before their Tournament of Champions next week and I managed to suckout enough to sit out the last three tourneys with an iron-clad seat at the 18 person Sit and Go for the $12,000 WSOP package. But tonight, T$270 sitting on the head of Smokkee is too much to pass up. If you think getting bad beat with ragz is hard, wait till you see the cards pushing him all-in when the bounty nearly exceeds the prize pool.

- WSOP coverage. Go now. See these people. Be the armchair fanboi sitting in your cube instead of smelling a perfectly crafted Cap'nCoke in a Milwaukee Beast Light plastic cup next to a Scandi kid that overplays his suited Kings in a PLO8 cash game with "TV" poker-stars chatting up behind you about where the profitable games are at tonight along the Strip.

- Jason's got a great article on Nolan Dalla chatting about poker and Stu Unger over at Pokerlistings (part 2 of 2)

- And if I'm missing you its you, not me (shoot me an email please, I've been a tad busy and feeling older that Ruben Sierra trying to lace up his cleats for his 48th major league baseball season)

Wii Fit: Improves Your Sex Life

After seeing this video, I'm hustling out to buy the wife some nice workout shorts

Is It October Already?

34 Bags of Wet Leaves and Twigs (click for picture if reading from RSS feed)

After getting creamed playing PLO/PLO8 SnGs at Stars last night (but strangely profitable at Full Tilt), my body wasn't ready for the clean up necessary in the yard due to some gusty winds and hail that pounded the Minneapolis suburbs last night.

I think I managed to sweat out all the Duvel and Cap'n Cokes consumed last night after the last bag in the backyard was tied.

But, Wyatt and Kyra are wondering...

Who's coming out to help with the front yard?

Can I Have Another Pronouncation?

I saw a woman yesterday gracefully looking inflicted with pyrrhotism in her best beach wear, or lack there of and wondered... what kind of person memorizes how to spell words like pyrrhotism? Damn these spelling bee kids r smrt.

PLO8 at Riverchasers. I finished 25 of 75 simply because Kyra didn't feel like sleeping and logging on would have meant a wraith from the sleepy spouse that will rival those in the octagon this weekend. It was my last legit shot at a BBT3 seat but my thanks go out to those who set up this beast, and hope the next one is similar with better results :)

Enjoy the weekend folks and stay tuned for a little expansion to my need to plague more ears and eyes with my babbling style of writing.

Enter the Dragon

Prop bets on first five pros Pauly pisses next to?

I Came, But Nothing Went

I flop quads.
I suckout once.
I fold for two hours.
I won nothing.

Best. Tourney. Re-Cap. Ever.

If someone doesn't shuttle me to the Rio to give reports like that at the WSOP they're throwing away gold bricks at the rate of Al throwing away handles of SoCo.

Just one question for those of you who have blemished this Earth with their spawn, thus creating another degenerate gambler who will kick the WSOP's ass in 10-20 years, and cause the decay of our nation according to the holy rollers out there:

How did you deal with the shock of the first time you noticed your father's/mother's voice coming out of your mouth when punishing your kid?

Gambling On Life

Staring at the metal green sign with white lettering, there was a choice to be made on State Highway 48 at the T in the road. With “Run to the Hills” coming from a small town radio station I happened to pick up, blaring at just under concert volume levels, perhaps telling me tonight I’d better off not going after the Indian casino’s money for the sake of the economy of their sovereign nation (even though I’ve left copious donations their in the past).

The taunting rung in my ears so loudly sleep was impossible. Cracking a book open to study was more akin to staring at the American flag all night back when stations didn’t have enough Ronco rotisserie chicken cookers ads to sell. Little man in a big pond, I received my first real lesson in life about money, popularity, and how life isn’t fair. She died without saying good-bye. I tried to pick up the pieces left of my sanity, but being surrounded by tequila shooters and an asshole roommate along with his friends, I crumbled into bathroom floor shavings hoping to be swept away before it became too disgusting to walk on any further. Instead I pressed to move back home and finish my education rather then taking a header from the third story the dorm room that would have killed the pain of listening to the daily insults. I graduated years later then expected, but I got the piece of paper proclaiming I read a few overpriced books.

Sitting around the bonfire and putting a dent into the handle of Captain Morgan that would leave an equally sizable impression on my liver, was the safe play. Chatting about the pros and cons of Obama-mania, the correct technique for shooting sperm into a cup, and how defiant the girls are now compared to what they’ll be when training bras and boys come into play would cover the base of the perfect evening under the stars. But, instead I traveled out to Hwy. 48 down to the casino to put my meager bankroll into play.

Looking over to the blonde with the short-ish cut and great ass and a slight smirk that never curled up into a full smile, I wondered if she was truly over her ex-boyfriend. Or rather if the abusive boyfriend with a rap sheet, that included things potential employers would rather not see, was over her was a better question. With a gut half-full of liquid courage and no dignity left I decided to take a risk.

Being greeted with The Fonz on a large plasma screen with his iconic thumb being used to lure slot players towards his free spins, I felt safe yet excited to enter the world that seals itself off from the hotel across the parking lot and the row of fast food restaurants promising the coolest new toys with their kids’ meals. Women and men voluntarily feeding the video games with dollars earned or given to them with a rate of return that would make even the worst money manager at Charles Schwab turn his nose in disgust. It’s about the chase, the bonus round, the blinking lights, the jackpot as another twenty goes in and I’m left watching Fonz hit the virtual jukebox to up the amount of free spins Ms. Aqua Net in the Wal-Mart special paisley dress can win since her wallet seems to hold endless amount of rebuys to hit the 4X multiplier bonus.

Cards of condolence came in. Tears flowed for what seemed like days. What did we do wrong, do we bother trying again? Will it hurt more mentally then physically, will our marriage last if another pregnancy doesn’t take to full term? The dark purple couch matched our drab moods for months, barely looking at each other at dinner, watching movies, riding to work. Trying again meant re-opening wounds that might not heal this time, but not trying meant giving up on parenthood, on us. Now there’s three reasons to chase a paycheck and fry up four strips of bacon in the morning, and each day brings another reason to wake up for tomorrow.

After my slot addiction was sedated by the little red WHAMMY! from Press Your Luck who managed to press all his bad luck on my buy in, I managed to find the table games in the new wing of the casino (no doubt they built it from the couple hundred I’ve dumped here on many occasions). Fresh walls, fresh slots, and could it be…

… PAI GOW!!!!

Yes, my digital number flipping friend with the little dragon to signify my new home to drag me from the evil penny slot pit. Buying in with half of what I brought I figured if I lost it was only money and chasing the joker with hopes of a bonus hand was well worth the entertainment coin I was willing to spend. But, those at the table putting out min bet with faces better reserved for the Royal Oak poker room meant playing just the cards. Squeezing out four aces wasn’t even fun, as my shouts of PAI GOW were vaporized like the bankroll of a pro slot player.

The seizures came and hit like defenseman swinging out his hip after dashing down the ice on breakaway only find my lanky body getting spun like a top in mid-air. Selfishness was a daily feeling as sitting on the couch in a darkened, silent room was the only safe thing to prevent the headaches, the spinning, the embarrassment. Hearing my wife shovel the driveway in the bitter cold that a Minnesota winter can bring, yet I’m chained to sitting like an invalid while Maury excites the crowd by proclaiming the 26th guy is still not the father of this women’s baby. Physical and speech therapy daily for a year, plus the will to be a father versus a welfare check, got me off the couch and back behind the wheel of my pimpin mini-van.

The card room would be small by Vegas’ standards, but with the friendly dealers and douchebags telling me that my eight-seven offsuit was a horrible play after I stack another forty row tower of chips when my straight cracks his limped Kings. I give him a wide pass on douchebaggery talk about “trying to trap me” and other poker spiel I have no ear for any longer after listening to his list of accomplishments at the $2/$4 tables of yore. But, since he finally let it go when I started chatting up about the recent Twins victory, I wouldn’t label the faux mustached kid as a douche. Donator maybe, but not a douche. I figured anyone with a Gary Gaetti pin and old school cap would appreciate a little baseball talk, and that shut all the poker talk up with the speed of a life-term prison con finally getting his first lay after getting paroled. No, I didn’t step up to the plate and play the relatively “big game” for my roll, instead opting for the profitable one. Playing in the smaller game and once being a smart gambler for the first time since I took the left back on State Highway 48.

Look at who’s besides you in bed or dreaming of Care Bears and Transformers in the next room or the shiny shoes in your closet and know that the gambler inside of you is the reason those things and people are there. Just never lose the want to hold the dice and throw the red cubes with a soft, feathery touch down to the other end where the result isn’t known.

Underwear On My Mind

Back from the cabin with a story called "The Gambler" I'd like to post if I can get it out of my head.

A question though:

If a woman has a sizable "tramp stamp" and is worthy of a few head turns, do you expect her to be wearing fruit of the looms granny panties or would that be against the norm?

On a side note, how many got this in their email boxes?

Hello,I

wanted to congratulate you again on being nominated for a prestigious Golden Chip Award, the only poker site awards that do not accept advertisements nor require registration for voting.

As you probably know,your site has been nominated in the following categories: Best Private Poker

BlogVoting for this award period ends June 15, and winning sites will be senta personalized award for display. We have received a total of over 10,000 unique ballots during this voting period, and nearly all categories are too close to call. As voting concludes for this voting period, we just wanted to remind you that it is within our rules for you to encourage users of your site to vote at http://www.goldenchipawards.com, and we encourage you to do this.

Best of luck with your site,
Richard Bentley
CEO, Golden Chip Awards

Pokerjunkie.com

Wow, these sites are getting more and more filled with pokery goodness for the novice and advanced online poker players. I am talking about places to learn about playing online poker like Pokerjunkie.com’s site.

The front internet poker page shows a great amount of both live and online poker information. Recent poker news on the right reminding those who are lucky enough to enjoy the World Series of Poker Main Event that should that evade 6,000+ runners in the event and make the final table that you will be waiting till November to go for the rest of the cash.

In the middle of the screen are the best poker bonuses online that the site offers. Each poker site is clearly marked for the size of the bonus you will receive by signing up (bonuses are always subject to hands played/raked hands played). Also, for the U.S. players, the sites unaffected by the UIGEA are listed, including a site I am not familiar with called PlayersOnly Poker which is offering a sizable $1,000 bonus currently.

Further down the page is a Poker Odds Calculator for those who play Hold Em’, but delving a little further in you’ll find an “advanced odds calculator link” which brings up a helpful for the Omaholics like myself two figure heads up odds. Hand of the day evaluations, recent articles, a forum for the readers to post about their latest conquers and bad beats, and Daniel Negreanu’s Full Contact poker blog is featured to round out the up and coming online player’s need to improve their game and bankroll.

I personally enjoy the spaciousness of the different features and crispiness of the website in general. Pokerjunkie.com has just enough information for the beginning to intermediate player for a boost to their game without overloading those players with clutter. Thank you for inviting me to the site and this has been a paid advertisement.

Five Hours to Love

Two things before I get ready for a weekend of live poker (Grand Casino Hinckley), finally enjoying the new trailer without murphy's law hanging a cloud over it, and maybe a fine cigar or two:

- A rule of thumb for substitute softball players: If the extra guy comes to the game wearing a New York Yankees cap, he will suck. The more "flair" to the cap (alternative colors, sticker, stitching proclaiming his love to Don Mattingly) you can be sure that sticking your eight month non-athletic pregnant sister in right field would have been a better choice.

- I want to be Chris Cooley. He could have chose Amanda Wenk, but guess the cheerleader will do.

For those inclined, Riverchasers is this evening, if its a non-NLHE format (and I do mean no crappy heads-up tournament where some people get double stacks) you'll find me belting out your favorite 80's hair band songs while watching the Twinkies try to find their identity. One night they look like the Long Haul Bombers taking on a local bar team that decided happy hour started four hours prior to game time (which is the best way to play softball imo). The next night they struggle to insert their two legs into the jock straps.

None of the AL Central teams are showing much gusto except Cleveland, so its there for the taking, yet the Twins seemed mired in the same inconsistancies as my sex life.

I raise a malt cup in hope of some power in the middle of our lineup. Hell, our leadoff hitter has more homers then Mauer, Cuddy, and Young combined!!!

Sugary Delights

Daddy, why do you play this stupid game?

I knew before this Battle of the Blogger Tournaments series started I'd have only a few legit shots at the TOC. Last night was my last bullet, and fell short at the NLO8 Skill Series tourney while at the final table when a pre-flop push with 10BBs left couldn't catch half the pot with a nut low draw and two to come.





PL/NLO8 is exactly as you picture it. Four card bingo at its finest. Yes, the luck factor is high and because 2 out of 4 final tables I've made have been in O8 that makes me lucky right? After looking at how I've busted in most of these BBT3 events you might think otherwise. Like the Mookie final table last week, this was just too little, too late for a serious run at a TOC seat. My congrats to those who have played the majority of these and done well.





Do those looking to get the new "Wii Fit" might want to check their egos because if you're a little overweight the Wii Fit doesn't hold back in letting you know. I'm all for tough love or shocking the system, but my thoughts were with the author as children shouldn't be called fat by a video game.

Almost forgot to thank PokerWolf for hosting the profitable part of my evening on the nickel and dimes tables (we won't mention the cracking my stack took at the NLO8 cash table), saw Steeley McBlogger (yes, I did fold middle set there whether you believe me or not, and I have no reason to lie here) there as well showing his Pittsburgh pride while rooting on the Pens in their upcoming series against the Red Wings.

And yes, I am the Drizz. HOLLA!

The Letter of the Day is W

I just figured out I missed out on my last/best shot of sneaking into the BBT3’s Tournament of Champions when the Riverchasers tourney next week was a NLO8 format. Score another bad beat for the home team. I’m still trying to figure out what I was doing that would have prevented me from playing the four card bingo-fest.

Writing? I didn’t post any articles on my other site.

Drinking while on the computer? Entirely possible, but I’d assume someone would have IM’d me that an O8 tourney was going off or if my supposed imaginary internet friends had an evil plot to prevent my participation I will get revenge. Or start reading Catcher in the Rye before the next WPBT live event and go on a killing spree.

Sleeping? Definitely a strong conclusion since unknown allergies have been kicking my ass, leaving me to breathe like a fish out of his bowl at night

Whoever won, I’m sure they played great, cracked hands when needed, yadda yadda yadda. All the disappointing finishes throughout this series have left me asking when is the Pai Gow event going to start? For the good side of the ledger, there has been resurgence in my bankroll thanks to the NL/PLO8 cash games after dropping down a level. With a few more months in the black, I’ll return to my normal game and try once again to break the barrier between the nose bleed levels and stakes that can earn me an Extra Big Gulp with a candy necklace next time I go to the 7-11 after school on my trusty gold and azure BMX Huffy with the missing crossbar due to my face going thru it while attempting a landing and kick ass silver mag rims.

A possibility of returning to the WSOP this year, if only for the juicy $2/$5 PLO8 game that was running is a goal. And I do have a 1 in 18 shot at that thanks to the Bodoggie and the plethora of suckouts I’ve been allotted there.

The question of the day that has been swirling my five remaining brain cells for the past day: What do you do after glancing at a co-worker’s acute camel toe issue?

Suggested finer fitting panties while discussing TPS reports?

Mention that Kohl’s prices on high quality skirts are at an all-time low!

Or go for the gusto and mention their crotch should form a V not a W?

Please chime in with help.

Still A Fanboi

Tomorrow I promise requisite smeared cupcake face pictures from my daughter’s 2nd birthday party. The usual fare of burger and hot dogs with good friends, enough kids to sport a soccer team, and a short lived bonfire built by yours truly without singe marks appearing where hair used to grow on my fingers and face.

Maybe I’ll tell that story at some other time.

Who’s ready for the carnival known as the Levitra (time to whip em out and see who’s the biggest!)/Milwaukee Beast Light (at least the girls go down smoothly)/PartyPoker (ax this one)/Harrah’s (where we tell you to stop gambling like a dumbass but kindly leave your moneys here when splitting 10s against a dealer’s 10) sponsored World Series of Poker!

More drama this year then the past?

Over/Under on cashes by Vinnie Vinh’s chair?

Average cup size of a Milwaukee Beast Light girl?

Lime Toss champ: Pauly or Otis?

More annoying winners cry: Hevan Khan, Humberto Brenes, or will someone top these two?

Who will have the best blogger finish? Final table this year?!?!

This year’s Poker Peek Cards/Poker Tent annoyance.

Will Buddy Dank play the Waffle’s Song for a solid hour if Waffles cashes?

11 days.

Dumps Are Rigged

I went to the dump today to drop off the remainder of the old trailer's roof (1400 pounds of shingles!) and while paying, saw a nifty 17.5% "gas surcharge" was added to the bill.

W
T
F

The out-of-place attractive and busty cashier in the skin tight WWF t-shirt with a sad panda on it didn't even offer a complimentry blow job for the tax raping.

So rigged.

Have a great weekend folks!

No Gas Means the Burrito Wasn't Good Enough

I got this in my email box:

Just passing the message on: Our government isn't doing anything about fuel prices. It's time we citizens do a 1 day boycott and see if things change. Mexico has federal control on fuel prices and diesel fuel is $2.28/gallon.

NO GAS...On May 15th 2008 - Don't pump gas on May 15th In April 1997, there was a "gas out" conducted nationwide in protest of gas prices. Gasoline prices dropped 30 cents a gallon overnight. On May 15th 2008, all internet users are to not go to a gas station in protest of high gas prices. Gas is now over $3.50 a gallon in most places.

There are 73,000,000+ American members currently on the internet network, and the average car takes about $30 to $50 to fill up. If all users did not go to the pump on the 15th, it would take $2,292,000,000.00 (that's almost $3 BILLION) out of the oil company's pockets for just one day, so please do not go to the gas station on May 15th and let's try to put a dent in the Middle Eastern oil industry for at least one day.

If you agree (which I can't see why you wouldn't) resend this to your entire contact list. With it saying, ''Don't pump gas on May 15th"

I heart fuzzy math: $2,292,000,000.00 (that's almost $3 BILLION) and my dick is 8 inches long (THAT'S ALMOST 1 FOOT OF MANHOOD LADIES!!!!1111). So if you don't want that undernourished child in Somalia with the club foot and hand sticking out of his chest to die in the next 24 hours for not following this email, just say no to petrol.

On the poker front, made the Mookie final table with uninspiring play save a little tilt in the middle of it when a flush draw got there for my opponent. No suckouts, no getting my money in behind except for the last hand. At least it paid for the last two weeks of BBT3 buy-ins, but alas no Mookie interview. Too little, too late.

Tomorrow I'll be at Canterbury and hopefully someone will brush the sand off his non-posting vaginal area enough to join me out there for late night poker and PAI GOW! Otherwise, I'll enjoy the races with the family while hitting up the Daily Double beer specials.

Enjoy your non-fuel pumping day today or angry spider monkeys while swarm your house like horny poker bloggers to naked pics of Shana Hiatt. Ok partially clothed, but good enough so its SFW.

Transfering Funds From One Site to Another

I don't watch the NBA anymore unless at a sports bar and the Twinkies aren't blowing late leads before Nathan takes the hill.

But after watching 2.65 Sportcenters a day I get my fair share of NBA highlights, so could someone explain why Chris Paul didn't win the MVP award?

On a quick poker note, my Bodoggie Tournament of Champions seat got cemented last night taking 4th with a page out of the Luckbox's playbook.

Get the money in as underdog, win, profit.

Maybe that's what I'm doing wrong in the BBT3. Another $109 in yummy tournament dollars thanks to the overlay and 3rd place overall with just a couple of tourneys left before the 18 man/woman SnG to play for that $12K WSOP seat.

I was psyched to play split poker in the BBT3 but bad folds, no action on catching a couple of sets, and eventually having to shove my scraps leaving empty and donating my $13 to the cause.

The toss up between rocking out to Guitar Hero and winning that elusive Moooooooookie interview will be determined at gametime. See you tonight.

Its the Best Beats the Rest!

After winning the Texas High School 1A state track meet... My question is: does she get to keep the team trophy?

Yes, I'd still jump the trophies on Amanda Wenk regardless of marital or sexual preferrence status.

My ability to lose in the Hoy in different ways is unsurpassed as I should have lost with Aces early on but sucked out on a flopped straight. Then did something stupid by getting my money in ahead again with Kings after the first break and lost to my favorite hand (99). GG. Night night. Love coming back every week!

Please bring the Red Soxs back to play at the homerdome more often. I've never seen the Twins' bats look so lively. Especially Pap Smear and his stare down of death which gave the Twinkies a nice come from behind victory. Of course now I've jinxed the team and Mauer will probably blow a knee like me and Cuddyer will try to catch the ball with his mouth instead of his hat. But, I'm all for Boston sport teams getting knocked off their holier then thou perch, even if its only May.

Bodoggie and Skillz tonight for those still grinding these tournament series out. My participation will depend on the ability to lift two eyelids after dinner. That Buddy Dank and his evil pushfest with addictive music keep me up too late. Tonight I counter that Waffles Song with the classic Banana Phone!

When Do I Cash In This Karma Check?

If you'd like to know how my weekend went, this phrase says it all:

“What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.”

The new trailer was great except half the buttons on the microwave didn't work. Then someone's foot got wet from the water leaking in from a faulty caulking job on the slide out. Then my ex-girlfriend showed up to show my wife pictures of us in a car outside the community college we attended, trying to have sex inside a 83' Nova hatchback while we should have been learning about the wonders of middle management at McDonald's. Then we found a tear in the flooring due to an idiot at the assembly plant that was listening to The Pointers Sisters on his iPod he won in a poker tournament a little too loudly and drilled a screw too deep so it tore up everything when pushing out the slide out.

Now, I'm gonna ice down my blown knee and maybe grab my cane to go fetch some water from the well later on after bitching at the kids to get off my damn lawn.

How was your weekend?

Can I Just Touch Them Once?

Amanda Wenk. You make my heart (and other things) sing.

Nod to JJ who felt staring at lesbian boobs as sizable as Ms. Wenk's were more important then his chip stack tonight.

Then again it usually is.

BankrollBoost.com Site Review

Online poker is a vast playground for those without the means to play live poker, can’t afford the higher buy-in requirement, and/or enjoy twelve tabling which may tired out even the fittest triathlete. Places like BankrollBoost.com’s Online Poker Sites can help out the new and old online player with its vast amount of information, and videos for entertainment.

Just click on the front page and immediately American players can see which sites are dodging the (hopefully soon-to-be-dead) UIGEA and allowing those who take up residence in the U.S. to play almost any form of poker they wish. Check the quick guide here: Best Poker Sites for Americans

Currently many bloggers are competing in a series of tournaments at Bodog for a shot at a World Series of Poker main event seat. Bankrollboost takes the time to review this site and all its amenities, including the very hot Bodog Girls and videos. To be fair, they also include the positives AND negatives of the site which you don’t find on most reviewing sites as they will mostly whitewash players will all glorious feature without warning to a potential downside. Check out the Bodog Poker Review

Flipping to the Best New Poker Sites even an old online poker dog like me can learn a few new tricks. I’d never heard of Sky Poker, PKR Poker, or knew anything about Chan’s Poker except for the T-shirts Johnny Chan wore while standing next to Jamie Gold at the WSOP. This a great section that once again lets you know with a sidebar, if these sites are U.S. friendly (sadly Playboy Poker is not, no free subscription for Drizz).

This has been a paid advertisement, and I thank the sponsor for letting know about their site!

Time is Pennies

Compensation has never been why I post here as I subject readers here to my poorly phrased English mostly for selfish reasons (but I do thank all these advertisers for their business).

But at the other site I'm expected a certain posting rate per month to snag the small paycheck which I do keep up with. Regardless of the ten hour days at the office followed by enjoying what little time I get after getting home to play with the kids, its not easy money to bang out the latest WPT, EPT, online poker going-ons while making sure I don't give away the remainder of my online bankroll playing an hour or two at night.

The other site is why I'm able to head to Chicago in July and The Bash in September, but makes me wonder if its worth it for the amount I'm getting. I knew by working with/for a blogging site that features 100+ blogs that the funds wouldn't come near a gig with a poker-centric twist to them like Pokernews, Pokerworks, etc...

My question is, how do you determine if your time is worth more then the digits to the right of your name on the paycheck? I'm not one for self-promotion, as writing my self-review at work took almost an entire day because I hate listing the things I've done in a cheesy rah-rah GO ME! manner. I figure if I do good enough job, people will notice and gigs come my way, if not no harm, no foul, just continue on and enjoy the extra couple of bucks and be happy that I got the nod to write for that website.

Living for Cheap Cigars at the Gold Coast

The closer the WSOP gets, the more I want to go again.

Even its just to donk off chips in the Venetian Mixed game and take my last $20 of a $400 buy-in and turn it into $100 playing Craps and Pai Gow and call it a win.

Or play Pai Gow into the wee hours with over-worked scribes at casinos long forgotten by the Strip.

To watch the amazing influx of pokery excitement that might be lost on those who toil long hours in the chip counting trenches. But to the causal fanboi like myself there's nothing like a long weekend glimps of pros, joes, and fishy smoes trading hardly earned cash across the Milwaukee Best Light pictured tables at the Rio. As Ferris Bueller once said "life moves pretty fast, if you don't stop to look around once in a while, you could miss it". I take those words to heart with every hug of my kids, every time I feel just a little too tired, every possible missed opportunity because I didn't ask on it. Sure, I had a push from a disabling accident that made me lose six years of my life, drifting while not caring if my wife left me, not caring if the fizz left my Cap'nCoke, not caring if a car ran a red light and took away the pain permanently.

Is that people need to feel like I do? Do you need a smack in the head to want a life versus a constant series of events that get you closer to the weekend?

My suggestion is find the nearest brick wall and go home a concussion. Even you feel alone, detached, unwanted, there's always something you can improve.

Yourself.

Granted I'm the furthest example of self-improvement as I've waffled the idea of further schooling for several years but financial and other pint-sized tax deductions remain more important. But, I have learned that tucking away money for the winter is a good thing only if it keeps a roof over your family's head and Hot Pockets in the microwave. Otherwise it should be used to go out and meet those imaginary internet friends in strange places (read those Weekend At Mookies trip reports coming in), or chase down a dream of holding cards at the same table as a red letter Full Tilt pro.

Whatever your end game is, try include some fun if you have a little extra cash before your mind gets too old, too rusted in your ways that you know exactly what is going to happen at 6:30pm CST Monday -Friday (Wheel....... of......... Fortune!).

This summer I'm taking three trips (just snagged my Bash tickets, anyone want a roomie??), but the fourth will depend on either luck, need, or want. The easy route is luck as I'm locked in for the Bodog TOC, and get a 1 in 18 shot at a WSOP ME package. The need will come from an invite to the WSOP to experience a taste of our hard-working blogger's work days or if I can trick someone into viewing my posts as worthy. The want will come from taking another risk of parlaying a little online cash into a WSOP bracelet seat and playing in the wild WSOP cash games where the real poker experience of the WSOP can be found.

There's one thing for certain: I will not being playing that damn Waffle Song on my iPod anymore. Ok, one more time, then its getting filed with every other cheesy pop ballad that has crossed these broken ear drums.

And one more thing. Razz sucks. That is all.

Faced-Book

A friend of mine that I haven't heard from in quite some time dropped me an email to join Facebook.

No, it was not Niki Belucci coming to whisk me away to show off my white boy dancing skillz at techo-clubs in Zurich, not unlike these bloggers shown here.

So I joined.

What happens now?

(looks at watch)

Ok then.

A congrats to our resident scientist Biggestron, all-around great guy that sadly has fallen to the evils of Red Sox Nation, on his well-fought heads up win at the Hoy last night (that cost me $15 to watch as I got home late from softball and pulled up a PLO8 table to pass the time).

As I wait for something exciting to happen besides cleaning up another ass-plosion while trying to dine out with a potty training child, I'm going to infect your auditory senses with this damn song I can't get out of my head thanks to the Buddy Dank crew (who is still rocking the Borgata by the way).

Skillz series and Bodoggie tonight which I can't play since I'm being whisked back to the diamond this evening despite my knee protesting the very reason I only wanted to play one day a week. Walking around work like I just enjoyed a welcome shower at San Quentin isn't my idea of fun.

When One Door Closes...

No, I didn't win the Powerball.

Sunday morning I dragged my body outside of the cozy pocket of warmth to get rid of another night of punishing a handle of perfect amber colored liquid. The air wasn't too cold for those of the northern ilk, especially with the stylin flannel pj’s the wife got for me. Since the restroom wasn’t as simple as opening an adjacent door, thanks to the wonderful people at Pleasureland RV who’s customer dis-service have my old trailer retaining water and decaying quickly, while my new one sits in a parking lot with notes from the park about needing to move within the week. Their fortitude towards making another one-time customer and infecting possible customers around me, actually forced me to enjoy my time even more up at our cabin.

The walk was no more then a mile round trip, lined with a packed dirt path and pot holes forming from the recent rainfalls and trees getting ready to blossom to full green mode within a few weeks. The devoid of sound other then woodland creatures scurrying about before the overly loud four year olds come outside with their newest buckets and big wheels, gave me a new appreciation to this place. Sure, Saturday’s spaghetti and booze fest mixed in with the excitement of the Kentucky Derby was fun. Chatting with our long time friends in front the fire while kids wore half of their s’mores like a milk mustache brings a smile.

But, that walk alone is what refreshed me, as the kids decided the cramped space of our 12’ X 12’ screenhouse was not sufficient for playing and voiced their opinions negatively the majority of the weekend. All the whines dripped away with each cooled step towards the shower/bathroom community house so I could rinse off the soot off from last night’s fire. But, the door was locked. Normally this would bring a twinge of anger to bubble up, but instead I just looked forward to making another trek later on.

This is how I see that offer to go to Rio this past week (which is going on now, so check out PokerStarsBlog and LAPT.com for details). The journey of banging the English language into submission here for nearly four years has been the calming walk towards a possible job writing about poker on a more serious level, getting turned away wasn’t fun nor upsetting, but I’m still going to enjoy the walk back.

Who knows, maybe next time I try, the door will open.

And if you weren't listening to BuddyDank's crew slaying the Borgata this weekend, do so immediately.

I Want a Refund

Bob Blackjack, you teased me so with your lightning quick step out of the gate and around the turn only fade faster then a plate of hotdogs in front of Takeru Kobayashi.


Next time give her at least three minutes of fun if you want that man cave.

A Wife's Plea

*Dearest Full Tilt Poker:

For a couple of years now your website has supplied this family with a little extra income so we can enjoy some finer things in life, like going to Arby’s and splurging on one of those delicious Apple Turnovers after a filling meal while the kids enjoy the latest plastic toy which will get thrown away before we leave the building. Or hitting up the local outdoor strip mall (even during the winter HAR HAR!) and buying a few pairs of sexy, soft cotton underwear (I hate the word “panty”) at Victoria’s Secret instead of that rough shit from Kmart.

But lately the kids and I have been woken by noise in the night. No, not those noises, as I can tell the difference between my husband complaining about poker and finding the perfect double penetration amateur porn to wack off to. For some reason he thinks I don’t know about the spooge-fest, so lets keep that little bit of information between us m’kay? The yells lately are not the ones laced with testosterone after conquering another player and funding another trip to Archivers so I get my 16th pair of scissors that cuts paper in a yet another totally cool way! These yells are from various cock-shriveling defeats at your wonderful Battle of the Blogger Tournament series. He appreciates all the wonderful gifts you’re throwing at the internet scribes and Riverchasers patrons, but wonders why your random number generator is inclined to put a finger up his spine almost every night he stays up to play after re-reading “Crocodile Bus” to the soon-to-be two year old that won’t go to bed? I am the only one allowed to fuck my husband up the ass according to the church we were married at several years ago.

Be aware of this.

Because next time you even think about going near that poop chute with some rag cards to bust his hand after he plays for three hours and ends up waking the kids because you thought it was funny to leave him hanging after a dry hand job with no peppermint lotion causing me to have to deal him humping my leg at one a.m. while muttering “wrap draw” “fuckin Ace-Rag” I will swim to Dublin and personally take my 27oz. Combat softball bat to the kneecaps of everyone since I hate getting my hair wet in the ocean due to the snarls.

Just so we have an understanding, bust him early so he can masturbate and go to sleep, or keep the 15 aces in the deck from hitting the river so he can lose on his own terms.

Or I will bring the pain.

Thank you,

Drizz’s Wife

*this post was written in jest as she’d never swing for the kneecaps and I'm totally kidding as I do enjoy these tourneys and Full Tilt just that the "beats" are becoming hard to handle after two months

Thief By Suckout

Although poker is supposed to be impersonal, you have friends at the table regardless of check-raising and slow playing monsters for value which are part of the game and shouldn’t determine whether you go out for dirty martinis and wings afterwards. Bad beats are part of the game as well, but they hurt a little more since you did all you could, placed the perfectly angled squeeze bunt down the third base line only to have a tuff of wind and a rock knock the ball sideway enough to roll to the left side of the chalk.

While I don’t take it personally, it doesn’t subside the feeling that you just looked in your pocket after getting home from the local market after buying a Black Cherry New York Seltzer, and found that pack of Topps you were looking at and were going to pay for. Sure you could return it and get a lecture about the dangers of shoplifting and being a blight on society for your little sticky fingers.

I always preferred a different method of karmatic retribution, paying a little extra the next time and telling the storekeep about what happened. You look responsible, they probably knew you took it, and you retain the ability to walk back into the store without the clerk peering over the new copy of Penthouse from the rack behind the counter.

Afterwards you can go home and relish in getting that Tony Gwynn rookie card that you got without feeling the guilt.

Poker was the same story as its been for the past two months, run good at Bodog due to a huge suckout late against Peaker and taking 5th for those yummy extra $109 in overlay tournament dollars that Bodog offers for the 1st-5th. Also, this late finish should hopefully lock up that seat in the Tournament of Champions as I started the night in 9th overall with a healthy lead over 18th.

As for the Battle of the Blogger Tournaments series… can’t the motor running, can’t suckout, just not happening. You need breaks to get deep in these things whether its win a flip, getting Aces versus Kings and holding up, or grabbing that pack of baseball cards when you didn’t pay for it.

Mookie tonight. I want that winner’s interview before the end of the year sir. Good luck.

Zippy Chippy or Secretariat

First there was "Too Drunk to Call" and "Mr. Otis".

Now, a new horse emerges as the favorite for all serious horse racing bettors in this weekend's Kentucky Derby.

If he can fade that douchebag wearing a throwback Andre Ware jersey who just split tens while sucking down a watered down wine cooler and took the bust card from the dealer showing a 6, he will win the run for the roses.

Bob BlackJack will not be denied.

Or go see this creature try his hand at sharing a bathroom here.

Yes, Its That Good

Two thoughts before I immerse myself into the world of queries, tables, and forms:

- Is there anything better then having a freshly baked oatmeal chocolate chip cookie from mom's house in your mouth before beginning the day?

- Why does parenting bring you to the brink of madness, the verge of taking apart your Chevy Trailblazer with a pair of tweezers and that screwdriver you get in a glasses repair case, then it takes one hug, one kiss, one look through those bright baby blues for you to remember how blessed you are to be able to be part of their lives.

But I'll admit some discomfort about trying to have sex while your soon-to-be two year old daughter is belting out Barney songs like the fat lady at the end of an opera, an hour after being put to bed.

Tomorrow I'm going to trash the trailer place for all their scummy worth, and try to make Pleasureland RV sucks the #1 Google hit for their company. Unless of course my trailer makes its way to my lot like it was supposed to last week by this Friday.

All-In For The Win

Who wants to buy Donkette's guide to winning pushfests?

I know I do. Damn things keep costing me a good night at the cash tables :)

Trying to Copa Without a Cabana

Next time you're in Vegas, make sure that Africian cabbie isn't wearing too many gold rings...

... he just might be a penis snatcher!!!

I guess not double wrapping for that hooker isn't the only way to make your dick shrivel up and fall off.

Poker double standard seen twice last night:

- Berated by Pirate Lawyer for calling his small blind monkey re-steal push with TT in the big blind when I put him on AJ, AQ, AK in the early stages of the Mookie, watched him do the same call at the final table under similar chip circumstances. I felt doubling up early was worth the gamble, but I lost (he had AQ, flopped the queen). Good play or no?

- Final two tables of the $5 PLO8, player has been going off about the horrid cards people will play for the past 5 minutes in the chat box, he pots it on the button while I'm holding A255 double suited, have him covered by 4BBs, and he still has 20BBs behind. I re-pot it, he goes all-in, and I call to see him flip up... 277J rainbow

He wins with a pair of Jacks on an all high flop. Despite the crippling blow with 15 left, I made the final table and promptly got quartered the first hand and the scraps got eaten up because I had no chips to make crap hands fold.

If you're going to play a certain way, don't hold it against someone else when they do the same thing. If PirateLawyer and this PLO8 maestro were female, then I'd understand the do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do attitude. Over the past ten years my wife has drilled this universally accepted logical explanation of why she's never wrong into me. :)

New trailer was supposed to be sitting on our little plot of land this morning, instead its in the park's front parking lot because the delivery guy and his third-grade aged daughter didn't bring the neccessary equipment to haul away the old one. After the wife and father-in-law spent two days off work to get it ready for that departure, the RV place will be receiving a not-so-happy phone call this morning. I'm guessing my father-in-law will not be discussing the Jared Allen to the Vikes trade with the dealership.

My "exciting" announcement is out today because unfortunately the deal fell flat due to circumstances out their control. Next week I was going here, to assist in the coverage of the brand-spanking new Latin American Poker Tour. I'm still touched that someone out there felt I was worthy of such a tap on the shoulder, but very disappointed that I won't be reporting on the new widths of g-strings on Rio's beaches along with chip counts. Hopefully there will be a mulligan coming my way.

Riverchasers tonight where you will not find me as the boy has a cross-sport class where they play basketball, soccer, and throw ninja stars at sloth-like half-caf mocha makers in Starbucks uniforms. I'll be there with a raised glass to cheer those participating on later tonight. Good luck!

Under The Shirt Feel-Ups

2 off bubble in Skillz game (at least it was a coin flip)
3 off bubble in the $4K PLO (I HAD POT ODDS!!!! Was the cry after flipping up 99XX to my AAXX after a rag/rainbow flop and the money went in).
Bottom cash in the Stars $5 PLO8

I'm looking for a bright spot, but I think this quote is why I continue to try:


If you're never scared or embarrassed or hurt, it means you never take any chances.
-- Julia Sorel 1926-

I'll keep plugging away like a horny high school kid trying to get his first lay, until I finally get inside that winner's circle.

Moooooooookie tonight, my participation depends on the kids not getting woken up by wayward helicopters performing god-knows-what at single digit times in the AM. Thanks for that while the wife is gone good sirs.

EDIT: Jared F'in Allen to the Vikes???? Now I REALLY hope Farve makes a comeback!!!

Edit to the Edit: I knew Big Daddy Drew wouldn't let me down.

For the Love of the Game

When you get a second chance at the ability to live life how you wanted, should you care that your soon-to-be two year old decided to ship her perfectly crafted spare ribs air mail at the freshly painted wall giving it the Jackson Pollock treatment? Or that the wife maybe dropped one too many hints about everyday going ons this week, straddling the line between helpful and total bitch?

I’ve looked at the little things that used to “destroy” week and brood over them like they were ending my marriage, sending me to live under a bridge and wash people’s windshields for enough money to buy a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger. Granted, I still get a kick out of complaining about bad service at a Starbucks or how infinitely annoying the full, headbanging volume of the Verizon Wireless sign off jingle is on my cell phone. Or go into detail why some people should not be allowed to breed as a sign of my discontent over their inability to use a copier, causing delay in my very important TPS report printing and hot chocolate drinking.

The reason I started this blog was for my love of cards, particularly poker. A long losing streak has left me wondering if I should turn this page into simple rants about everyday life or continue plunging forward with every Aces cracked. Granted, my posts are mostly about my kids and how the backyard needs some serious green thumb intervention, but I do like to discuss poker at length still just not with the passion of trading hand histories or the actual cards involved with a hand. Instead, I’d rather know how someone dealt with barely making into the money in their last five tourneys, what did you do with the money after that big score, or how did you manage to even log on after coming one card from getting a Battle of the Blogger Tournament TOC seat?

Those are type of questions I’m interested in, not how to play 89s UTG with a field of aggressive players ahead. The cards play themselves with minor tweaking for check-raising and floating, if you get Aces and someone else is lucky enough to have Kings, you’ll win 80% of the time. Simple math, not the Full Tilt Random Number Generator, but simple math caused that four flush to come out causing you to question once again why you play this stupid game.

But, you the player know why you play and come back to the table after months and months of “beats”. It’s not the same drive for everyone, but your reason is your own, and no one else’s.

Hold on to that, and you’ll see why those imaginary internet friends come in handy as they spin tales in their own voice about those home games, big wins, and for the brave ones how they lose.

Jot Dot Jump

The little one below will have to entertain you for another day as daddy is busy.

Thanks again to RakeBrain for the freeroll on Thursday, I was one card from picking up the $100 bounty on LeCheese (seems like a repeat of every post for the past five months...)

For those without a call button, Hoy tonight. Bring a cup.

Kyra Is Looking For Date

When is the Rooster going to get here Daddy?

Lazy Cap'n Thoughts #279

How do you get your wife/girlfriend to wear just a hockey jersey because you find it sexy?

LeCheese Revenge: Who Wants His Free $100?

With the bankroll on the lam due to another startling display of great luck last night, opportunities like tonight's LeCheese Revenge are greatly appreciated and needed. Hopefully the host will improve on his gigli performance from last time.

Rakebrain.com, a noted authority on giving those 12 table grinders a cut of their rake back on several popular sites both US and non-Stars and Stripes friendly, is putting a decent sized prize pool together for a few degenerates (most are known to me like Buddy who pulled off a great bluff against me last night and broadcasting BuddyDankRadio from the Borgata in a few weeks!!):

Schaubs
TNSpaceman
huntsvegas
garycarson
Buddydank
Pokerpeaker
VinNay
Donkette
katitude
pking19
willhopper
Gcox25
Kickasspoker
Drizztdj
NightRanger
BadBlood
mookie99
AlCantHang
ToastOnTilt
Crazzynesss - RakeBrain stafft
d8507 - RakeBrain Rakeback Member

So, if the BBT3 isn't enough of a blogger on blogger orgy for you, come see my aces get cracked while bubbling out at Full Tilt 1800ET (meaning there better be no traffic on I-94). Last night made the 8th out of 21 BBT3 tournies I've gone out of with Aces, if someone has a word of advice other then the time honored "variance will turn around", I'd love to hear it.

Starbucks Customer Service

Final two tables of the Skillz game. Only the fourth time in the points in 20 tourneys (3 of them non-hold em').

Final table bubble of the Bodonkey (hopefully getting enough points to sit comfortably above the 18 player mark for the WSOP freeroll).

And finally a double cash in the Full Tilt daily double for the first time.

Not great results but ones that will get me to fire up the computer at night.

Since we're on a poker roll this morning, Mrs. Otis put a shout-out to all of us blogging degenerates to link up her favorite professional pai gow master as he navigates through the multitude of Scandi names and $50 cheeseburgers while covering the EPT Monte Carlo Grand Finale. I personally like the video live coverage but am always quick to refresh the pokerstarsblog for Otis-styled updates on the floor that a camera can't capture. Looks like Antonio Esfandiari is the one being chased at the beginning of day 4.

A story if you've checked out Monte Carlo and await the Coke Lite swilling reporter's next post:

Granted 99% of you reading this have better hearing then I and may not get it, but indulge me with half an ear and an open mind because nothing pisses me off more then ignorant people. People with hearing disabilities do not wear a sign around their necks unless they have an impossibly hot out-of-modeling-work Playboy playmate walking next to them wearing nothing but a g-string and nipple tassles while signing for them.

But, I expected better out of this poor excuse of a sloth.

Its been cold lately in Minnesota

Crowd: HOW COLD IS IT?

It’s been so cold; polar bears abandoned their homes here and fled north

[cue canned laughter from the sound machine]

This previous Saturday found us at several different department stores searching for new knick knacks for the trailer, a mother’s day gift, and a Starbucks so I could get my hot chocolate.

When a sudden cold snap comes about I tend to splurge on a hot chocolate while pretending to enjoy a shopping day with the family (actually I do enjoy going, just when one of them requests to use the restroom five times in a span of 10 minutes then decides to let a shit storm fly when I don’t get there quickly enough on the sixth time it wears ones patience). So we’re having fun, mom is going to get a Rachel Ray’s bacon frying skillet to add to the set we got her last month, Kyra is cleaned up and ready to press every horn on the display of this Elmo driving game, and daddy is ready for his hot chocolate for which he sneaks down to the Barnes and Noble to get.

Smart looking people are seated within the black-painted iron fenced café and I instantly drop the average IQ of the patrons by 30 while stepping up to the Starbucks counter. There a homely girl with a face that reminded me of an ex-girlfriend but unlike her, made her barista smock strain a bit up top, took my polite order of one hot chocolate, regular 2% milk, no whipped cream and no I wouldn’t not like to try a five dollar cookie today. While the order is being filled, the wife shuttles the two antsy kids to the back where they set up some toys to keep their minds occupied. Five minutes later, I’m getting a little worried as the counter help doesn’t seem to be motivated enough to blend overpriced milk and chocolate together so I can relieve my wife of having to track down both kids as the set up of Thomas the Tank Engine is being fought over. She glances up every so often as I scan the store while pacing in circles.

Yes, poker still has its own book section. No, its not going away.

Ten minutes go by, and now I can hear the wife on the other side of the store ready to lay into me for taking so long. Its like a calm before the storm where the actual words are not heard but you’re already preparing for them. Meanwhile, sloth-girl continues to look uncomfortable with my pacing and non-lewd glances in her direction, probably wondering when I’ll get the nerve to ask her to prom, but continues to say nothing.

Fifteen minutes are up, still no warming sleeve in my hand and the wife is carrying the youngest one while the boy pleads to go back for Percy and company. The storm is about to rain on top of me. I explain calmly to the wife that I’ve been waiting for the drink and only one customer has come up within those fifteen minutes. She marches straight up to the “order here” sign and demands “what the fuck people??” (not in exact words, but if you ever hear my wife swear I suggest running in the opposite direction, in ten years I’ve heard it three times).

The sloth-girl points towards the end of the counter where my drink was visibly hidden by a display of coffee beans.

“Its been sitting there for ten minutes” she says in a tone better left for a three year old that just spilled his ice cream on the back seat of your new car.

“Did you bother telling him??”

“Yes”

“Was he looking at you??!?!?!”

“No”

“Did you try again?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!”

“No”

Feeling about as high as a grain of salt on the floor that had been deicing the sidewalks I grabbed the now tepidly warm drink and left.

Question to the masses: Do you consider sloth-girl’s actions bad customer service or am I to blame for assuming there was something wrong with the machine?

Pros and Cons of Swimming Lessons

The great thing about bringing your kid to the community center for swimming lessons:

Mommy boobs


The horrible thing about bringing your kid to the community center for swimming lessons:

Mommy boobs


Its all about when you look up from the most recent issue of Maxim. Timing is the key.

The Short Road to Hutchinson

If you ever wondered how many World of Warcraft dorks are out there... they'd make a decent sized country with a big enough stockpile of WMD's (such as the Hand of Ragnaros) to send a few U.S. troops over to battle the Paladins and Warriors.

Ok, I admit I'd be hooked too being a gaming dork myself :)

And I'm sure it would be a lot less frustrating then poker has been.

This weekend was a travel through the small towns of Minnesota on the way to meet a friend who's moved away from The Cities for a quieter side of life and pursue his new career. Howard Lake, Dassel, Cokato, towns with farmland sitting adjacent to the high school. Towns welcoming you with all you can eat potato pancakes on Sunday morning at the Lions club; probably after church lets out. To the dismay of my fellow passenger, no Egg McMuffins to be found down the one side road along main street to these under triple digit population towns. Traveling along Highway 12 on the back roads from Hutchinson back to civilization we saw the old school roadside taverns with the weathered oak sign, that probably served three styles of Schmidt beer for a dollar a piece complete with barkeep who doubled as a farmer. The rolling hills of soon-to-be filled with corn stalks were covered in snow, a stark reminder that the state forgot that something called “Spring” started a few weeks ago and I’d appreciate not having to don a ski jacket while playing right field next week or gore-tex gloves to have a beer in the parking lot afterwards.

I’ve wondered if small town living would be right for me if I could find the right amount of income to sustain such a life for my family. Having family and friends close by is the reason I didn’t accept a different job several years ago that would have me basking in the desert sun of Tempe. Are mom’s chocolate chip bars and a ten minute drive to work worth nearly double the mortgage payment to live in a suburb?

You betcha.

Hoy tonight. If I manage to dodge the call-all-in-with-the-JackAce fan club this evening in a peep tourney you’ll find me there this evening. If not, good luck to all those pursuing those WSOP seats in the BBT3.

Mastery of 2+2 Speak

I am unhip.

Could someone please tell me what a "donk bet" is?

Unfortunately, Lucko didn't include a 2+2 magic decoder ring :)

My apologies for being an ass, as I would like to improve my middle/late game because that seems to be my sticking point with tourneys lately. Get thru 75% of the field, and get too low and pray for a 60/40 or flip to hit my way. I don't allow myself to get blinded down to ATC will call territory, but would like to be in position more often to 3-bet without being pot committed and having to shove.

Yes, that's a poker question folks. Lindsay Lohan's breasts and betting on Sean O'Hair to be the top American in the Masters at 25-1 type golf bets are taking a back seat. Not that I'd throw money at such a thing because who the hell bets on golf?

Congrats to Recess on the win last night! $2K pot in a cash game, now a seat to the TOC, nice job!