Sunday, April 30, 2006

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Its The Difference Between Rolex and Timex

Tournament night turned into catch-up-on-sleep-night. I ended up staring at the 99 cent glow-in-the-dark stars/planet stickers that the previous owner of the house didn’t bother to take down in our master bedroom a little earlier then expected last night. At least I was able to have snuggly peep sex on Full Tilt (click banner above if you haven’t signed up for this site!) with two of my favorite totally gay online diary poker chicks and was fortunate enough to walk away with a token in two attempts.

Ménage a blog?


A disappointing night all around, bad beats, Twins lose to an abysmal Royals team, and someone actually chose the million dollar suitcase on “Deal or No Deal” and didn’t have the balls to choose the last two numbers.

Did I just admit to watching this show?

Yeah, I watch it for the um… models?

Ok, I watch it to yell at the paint thinner sniffing contestants trying to calculate the odds while their “dog pound” (where the hell is Arensio these days???) of well-wishers give them great advice like “the offer is only $194,000 you could win much much more!” when there’s only one big amount on the board and they could go home with enough money for a super-sized dinner at Sonic if they choose that last big amount. Nevermind that the sum mentioned is 6-10 times what the contestant brings home from their place of employment annually.

On a similar note having that kind of cash in relation to your annual take-home income does make you think twice about gambling for bigger cash.

Much like my poker bankroll.

It has been as high as $6K and currently stands between $4K-$5K (4 month going on 5 month slides hurt). I bring home approximately four times my bankroll annually from flinging poo as a cube monkey 40 hours a week. I will not make more money anytime soon since I only have a two year degree with little motivation (at this time) to attempt to snag a four year piece of paper with fancy calligraphy and a bright gold sticker proclaiming me to be a Bachelor of Cap’n Cokes Consumption and Keg Stands.

I am ok with my income, and I enjoy my job (on most days unless some jackhole from BFE Corp calls in and starts a coma inducing conversation about how I personally ruined his/her day by charging their multi-billion dollar company for fifty dollars because they overcharged us on some Mickey Mouse g-string underwear last month).

Yes, in a sense, I audit panties. *insert immature boyish giggle here*

I’m at a crossroad where I don’t see the chips as money once I click the buy in for _______ amount on a PLO8 table, but I do realize after I’m done for the session/day that “holy shit that’s a lot of money I gambled today!!”. Especially when sixty dollars is in our checkbook this week after buying softener salt, 2 for 1 popcorn chicken, some milk, and tin-roof ice cream at the grocery store last night. Sixty bucks is supposed to last us until next Thursday when we both get paid, but I managed to blow twice that amount in about 45 seconds when Full Tilt’s RNG decided to give me a second best hand. I’m sure other players have similar financial constraints, I am not a snowflake nor do I have the need to pull my bankroll offline to pay for bills. I am not HURTING for money, but I’m not rolling in it either.

My question goes out to the totally gay online poker diary community:

If your bankroll consists of a sizable percentage of your yearly income, how do you prepare/numb yourself to the stakes that you’re playing at and/or take shots at higher stakes?

After all, scared money is just a base for firewood and other aggressive player’s bankrolls. In the past during my run at a WSOP seat on Monday I would have given up several hands I played because of size of the prize. Instead, I played the game, not the stakes, and if a few cards would have fallen in my favor I coulda been a contender.

The problem is after (not during) I’m done playing a losing session I feel a little remorse for spending money on virtual cards. I’d like to move past that before I decide to take 10% of my bankroll and take a shot at a higher stakes game. Spending time after closing up the Gateway poker trophy and replaying all the hands that cost you an extra box/pint of ice cream or maybe a toy for your too cute kid that refuses to eat anything but Cocoa Puffs one day and clears half the refrigerator the next, brings an internal struggle that I really don’t need right now (especially since I get to start diaper duty again soon after finally being honorably discharged by the under three foot tall platoon leader).

Thanks for dropping by, now if you’re in the Twin Cities and a Twins fan, yesterday brought some good news as ESPN reports that the Minnesota House voted in favor of the new stadium proposal. Granted the Senate vote will be much tighter, but seeing an open-air baseball game is one step closer for Twins fans. Skol Twinkies!

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Bobby Bracelet Makes Grown Men Cry

I just might have to add him to my Christmas card list.

I was outed at the tables as a blogger last night after my Aces went down in flames to the tune of a buy-in thanks to a set of queens that I couldn't give the other guy credit for, basically giving away my profitable Monday night.

Yep, I'm still running bad but doing it with a crooked smile on my face. Maybe crushing some dollah tourneys tonight will pump up my current dime-sized poker ego.

Here's a picture of little Drizz after I explained who the chicks in the picture were.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Play Perfect Poker

I watched half dark, half illuminated Maples and Pines rush by a little more closely this morning. Most windows were cloaked by blinds but displayed a flicker of the television set being turned on by people watching their favorite morning show (or “wake and spank” made popular by a certain douchebag hater).

Wyatt sat in the back audibly complaining about not having his blanket and Mr. Octopus. After Wyatt was safely in Nana’s capable hands, we drove off to work and I continued to look out at a morning drive that we’ve made several hundred times. The “tagged” Junior High School stone-slab name plate that some janitor tried to clean, the church where I spent my Wednesday nights learning about a religion that I admire but don’t practice, and the Perkins family restaurant with the painted windows exclaiming “KIDS FREE TUESDAY WITH ADULT PURCHASE OF AN ENTRÉE 6-11” and remembering the last call-after hours that me and my friends spent there sobering up from another night out. “Yes, I’ll have the ham and cheese omelet with hash browns again” was my usual request.

After arriving at my place of employment, the wispy orange, white, and grayish clouds shown outside my office window deserved a second look since it was not imperative that I be at my desk since most of my vendors are still asleep. I look at the blinking cursor on Microsoft Word this instant and wished I was writing about how I would be coming out to Vegas in July now that I won a WSOP qualifier. But, instead I see my faint reflection on my blank laptop screen from last night after I closed down the chat windows and PokerStars, showing a face of both triumph and defeat.

“You played a good game”

Congrats to TonySoprano (updated, thanks Jordan!) on a fine tournament. Make sure you do us proud in July by bluffing Hellmuth off his straight flush with the hammer and assisting him with any spelling errors when he rants.

Right now I’m pretty beat mentally and physically. I played to the best of my abilities last night and came away relatively empty. I AM gracious for the extra prizes laid out by Poker Source Online (see banner above), I’m not sure what PSO points are or what you can do with them but I’m sure it will take a little sting out of missing my ticket to the show.

Thanks for dropping by, now on your way home from work today, look out the window and take in a bit of the scenery once you get off the interstate. It may change the way you feel about your daily commute. A special thank you for those cheering me on last night, especially the kind words that make me willingly bend over for Mistress Variance’s next whip and chain session.

Play perfect poker.

Monday, April 24, 2006


Did you know that the sun can cause pain well after a round or two of golf? The temptations of a light breeze, freshly cut grass, some faint cigar smoke, and the (more then) occasional swear word make you forget things like sunblock for people with alabaster skin. Yes, for those “in” the inside joke… I look like a candy cane this morning, and it h-u-r-t-s, not peppermint lotion type hurt its more of a sandpaper-on-eyeball type sting.

The weather this weekend was a step beyond perfect, the mosquitoes have not invaded the deet-less, the humidity doesn’t fog up anyone’s glasses, and I’m not playing in 15 softball games in four days. A weekend to run around the metro, but yet relax at each stop.

Saturday started with a blustery nine holes at Shamrock golf course. My new driver failed to overcome my ineptitude of hitting the little white ball as people in Wisconsin and North Dakota ducked prematurely when I addressed the Top Flight Super-Ultra Mega Titanium Extra Spin #2 ball. No, I didn’t buy the ball, it was one I found while digging out my ball from under a huge pine on the fifth hole. Besides, I can find a better value at Taco Bell for the price of an object that will most likely end up on the bottom of a pond anyway.

Bogey golf was shot, and it was time to hit up the beer bust at J. Cousineau’s. Without having to be a parent for two hours I managed to get my drink on while destroying a Golden Tee game, until I shot a 6 over on one hole. At least I managed to slam a half dozen or so macro brews while molesting my wife's pregnant sized boobs. Yes, I was slapped.

I had to cut out of the beer bust a little early due to my ailing grandparent’s birthday party. After all, I wouldn’t have this blog if it wasn’t for their love of cards while we played for hours at my parent's cabin and them taking my hard earned dimes in games like 500, Pinochle, and Cribbage. Upon my semi-buzzed arrival, most of my uncles showed up with one question to me.

“When are you going to set up the poker game?”

Twist my arm.

I wasn’t really in the mood for playing tournament director, but live poker for me is a treat for me since I don’t get to play much beyond the virtual felt. Long story short, nine players tourney, $5, I took home more then half of pot. Yes, your hero managed to bust gramps as well, my karma is fucked for the next year or so. Best hand was busting my mom (the money went in on the flop).

Me: Q Q
Mom: K 5
Gramps: A J (GOLD!!!)

Board: K Q 3 6 K

After the second King hit the river, her first reaction was “YEAH!”, next two words were “OH SHIT!” followed by two hands going over her mouth after my grandma gave her a sarcastic stink eye. Vacation can’t get here soon enough to play the nightly games that are sure to go on in South Carolina, and I’m still hoping I can make it out to G-Vegas to donate to some of my favorite bloggers... and Otis too.

Sunday brought a less windy day, and more sun as me and Burnsie met up with a couple of his wife’s co-workers for a round at a newer course called The Vintage. George was an ex-Florida Gator football player and hit the ball like it said something nasty about his mother. Geno was afflicted with Polio and used crutches to move around and hit one handed while balancing on a crutch. I had never seen someone golf one-handed, but damn if he didn’t play better then most “able-bodied” players.

We all had an excellent time (not to mention my 11 over was the best 18 hole round I have had in a long time) as my body soaked in a few too many UV rays without noticing. Sunblock is for P-U-S-S-I-E-S and people who don’t appreciate the tingling sensation of a good sunburn. Yes, I’ll remember next time to use it as I gulp down my third 32 oz. jug of water this morning. Not to mention the cool Michael Jackson-esqe glove hand I have, apparently golf gloves do an EXCELLENT job of blocking those harmful sunrays as my left hand stayed the natural chalk-white color that I’m used to.

I wish I could report that I’ve broken my slump of bad sessions, but the beats go on, and I’ll keep trying till the poker gods deem my cards to be superior to another player’s. I’m still hoping for a good wave of variance to ride so I could eek into Vegas for the WPBT Summer Classic, but each passing week with break-even/losing play isn’t helping. I’ll try to suck less over the next couple of months so I can see my favorite bunch of degenerate gamblers in their natural habitat in July.

Thanks for dropping by, now who thinks the 2006 Twins are starting to look like the Metrodome-hugging World Champs of 1987 and 1991? I hope they can start scratching out a few road wins, because watching their starting pitching thus far on the road has been worst then sitting thru a Pauly Shore movie marathon.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Yeah, That's More Like It

Beautiful weather, a nice walk with Little Drizz over to the parent's house...

... and hitting a Royal

Poker is still kicking my ass, but using a softer boot now.

Enjoy your weekend folks, and a reminder about the beer bust at J. Cousineau's tomorrow. Chili, beer, and pregnant chicks. Be there.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

A Night On The Couch

I’m barely able to move my neck today so bear with me on misspellings, bad grammar, and assorted Engrish hackings.

Oh wait, that’s normal for me, carry on.

Add in a couple of disappointing finishes on my tournament night and I took in enough bad karma for the Twins to come back in a kick ass game that actually has me excited to watch baseball again, even when I’m not taking easy money prop bets from Pauly and Speaker. The nail-bitter 9th inning with no outs, base-loaded; Morneau decides to work on his short game with a Phil Mickelson-worthy flop shot to the third baseman. Bastista stepped up to the plate, and inflates the Dome with hot air after wildly waving at some nasty breaking balls from Francisco Rodriguez.

Then it was Lew time.

No, my friends across the pond, not time to relieve your bladder, but time for Lew Ford to step up with a great at-bat and draw a walk for the game tying run. Not exactly the most exciting way to tie up a game, but it definitely got me to miss a few hands of the tournaments I was playing.

Then Nathan came in dominated the top half of the inning, or in 2+2-speak… standard.

With a runner on 3rd and 2 outs, Michael Cuddyer stepped up with a two-run blast that should happen more often from him and put the game away for good. Well done sirs, you have restored my love for watching the game, at least for now.


Per the usual Wednesday night WPT viewing (was that a record amount of all-in bets by a single player for a WPT final table? Oy) I played in three tourneys with smallish buy ins (pussy poker rules!).

- Party Poker $5 NLHE, my 9s were chased down by someone who just couldn’t find it in his heart to lay down KTo, well played sir. I didn’t make it past 15 minutes in that one, and feel cheated that a McDonald’s Happy Meal would have been a better entertainment value for five bucks.

- PokerStars Dollah LO8, its limit, I enjoyed the junk kicking thankyouverymuch, but managed to scratch out a couple of wins when those people playing 5679-type hands and didn’t hit their straights. I took in bottom-feeder money due to card death but at least it wasn’t a bunch of beats. Yes, third pair is GOLD. If players were this bad, I’d have no reservation about playing the $50 tourney that went on at the same time.

- Full Tilt $10 PLO8, I’m still on tilt about this one. If there’s ANY tournament on the internet that I feel I have a chance every night to win, its this nightly one. Its just a matter of not getting unlucky. Of course I got unlucky at the wrong time, again. Down to two tables and in the money I called a raise, from a luckbox that would make CJ look like Bill Buckner trying to get a beer at a Boston pub the night after game 6 of the ’86 World Series. With three people in the hand and me having both of them covered this was my chance to acquire a significant lead…

… or lose like usual
pokenum -o8 ad 2d 4c jh - kh ks qd 8c - ac 4h 5s 7h -- 5d td js
Omaha Hi/Low 8-or-better: 666 enumerated boards containing Js Td 5d
cards scoop HIwin HIlos HItie LOwin LOlos LOtie EV
4c Ad 2d Jh 283 322 335 9 129 0 42 0.516
Ks 8c Qd Kh 214 246 420 0 0 0 0 0.345
5s Ac 7h 4h 58 89 568 9 12 117 42 0.139

Standard? (I hold the top hand)

If I fold I have 11K behind and still hold an above par stack and would still make the final table, but perhaps not in healthy enough shape to make a run at first place.

If I call and lose, I’m down to a shave and a haircut and would have to push on any four cards.

If I call and win, I’m up to 30K and would most likely not suck at the final table, maybe even snag my first MTT win in almost 2 years.

I called, trip 5s on the turn and a blank on the river gives the main pot to the worst hand, and the big side pot to the mouth breather with the Kings. And I’m left with yet another episode of “why me”. Mix that in with a pissed off pregnant wife forcing me to sleep on the couch and my forced smile this morning is one of pain from a pinched nerve in my neck.

Not to mention my pinched psyche of yet another disappointing finish.

Thanks for dropping by, now go check out Mr. Gleeman’s blog if you’re a Twins fan, heck if you’re a baseball fan you should have his blog at the top of your reading list.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Placentas For All!!

Thank you all for the kind comments yesterday. When I’m in a “mood” I need people to tell me to stop being a pussy. Then of course I go and try to bluff calling stations who think their second pair-middle kicker is gold and refuse to bow down to my awesome level 19 play. Can’t win them all but you can stop single IQ type plays like that.

I R Dum.

I did manage to get called a fish last night. While that’s not shocking especially with the level of play I usually exhibit, but it was a tad warranted since I did suckout like a Champ. My first mistake was trying to put someone on a hand pre-flop due to raise before me in a PLO8 game. Usually this means A2XX (with X being another wheel card) or AAXX (Xs can be anything because Aces are SOOOO pretty!). Since I was holding AA4Q double suited, I re-raised to go heads up and when the flop came down J T 2, I figured since I held two of the aces, and generally people are smart enough to dump high wrap hands to re-raises, I pushed a pot sized bet on the flop. When I got played back at, I knew I was behind but here’s the long list to why I called:

1) I have a gutshot straight draw
2) I have two nut flush backdoor draws
3) I have a backup low draw
4) I’m getting 4:1 on my money
5) The only hand I’d fear is JJXX, not likely to call a re-raise pre flop

Here’s the tinfoil hat short bus list:

1) I was due

Sure enough JJXX is staring me in the face, and I have my clicky-pointer on the “buy chips” icon…. Oh wait is that a King? I immediately thought of CJ’s poker mantra:

“When in doubt, just suckout!”

I still feel dirty this morning. I hate putting my money in while behind and trying to justify it, but when you take in a hand and try to piece together what your opponent has what’s your first thought process?

If you answered “I’m thinking about Kate Holmes’ placenta on-a-stick for dinner with fava beans and a nice Chianti” then you need stop watching the Encore movie channel while chatting with Wil Wheaton on the girly IRC box.

Mine is “how would I play it”, especially if I haven’t been at the table very long and have no reads on the other player. In this case I simply couldn’t give the opponent credit for a set in a hand that I’d call a re-raise with pre-flop. Then again I had someone CALL an all-in pre flop with A3o in Hold Em’ cash game last night, never saw that coming. Maybe that’s my leak, trying to get too fancy with “reads” and bluffs versus opponents who generally don’t understand beyond looking at their two/four/five/seven cards and determining their course of action.

But if I'm just going to play my own cards, why not just open 6-8 tables and play ABC poker and win simply on having better pre-flop/3rd street hand selections then your opponents. I'll test that next week while trying to qualify for Full Tilt's 20 seat WSOP freeroll. 10K Full Tilt Points in one month gets you entered, and since Stars has decided to rearrange my taint this month, I may shift some more money to FT and make a run at qualifying instead of keeping up my SilverStar status.


Like I said yesterday, I write here to talk to myself and work out any issue I have with poker or pen an encounter with a douchebag who insist on writing a check at a Holiday gas station around 5:30 am when I’m just trying to purchase two yummy Krispy Kreme donuts for me and the missus before work but have to wait for the mouth breather ahead of me to produce 3 forms of ID, a urine sample, and recite the last five lines of the Declaration of Independence so he could purchase his carton of Kool cigarettes, Juggs magazine and a bottle of YooHoo!

I hate people sometimes. Not as much as Bob, but a lot.

Oh wait, I just heard we’re getting served fresh waffles this morning by the managers! I could get hit by a 747 and this would still be a kick ass day. If they serve a side of bacon I just may need to change my pants.

Thanks for dropping by, now go congratulate Maudie on a fine WWdN tourney win last night!!!

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Time After Time

“At times you’re at the mercy of the cards”

- Phil Hellmuth’s “Poker Tip” Calendar

I wish I was as disbanded from reality as Phil, I envy him for that.

I was going to whine about losing yet another coin flip late in a tourney (my only one up to that point 85th out of 1000+) last night, but what’s the use. Its stupid, childish, and sounds like a broken record.

Shit I can’t even think straight anymore, I’ve re-written/deleted this paragraph five times.

I can see why my readership has waned so much lately, no one likes hearing about the losing side of poker. Its not exciting to hear about losing 50/50 chances with the consistency of a woman’s Romanian gymnast on a balance beam. Its not fun to hear about the down swings, losing night after night because those 20+ outs don’t hit, or making tilty calls/raises throwing whatever profit you do scratch together out the basement window.

Pathetic is a good word, I’ll stick with that to describe my play.

“Good players don’t need cards to win”. That quote might be true but if you’re a low stakes grinder like me at the $100 and $200 levels of NL/PL games, for the most part you’re going to have to showdown your cards, thus having the best hand after the river or 7th street, or the 3rd draw is finished. Yes, the bluffing/knowing pot odds/playing the player are all still very important, but if you’re called to showdown the majority of the time then the quality of your cards are at a premium. Value betting becomes much more important then fold equity, simply bet when you have it, save it when you don’t.

What an easy game!

Of course that means you rely on the laws of probability to stay in your favor when you hold TPTK vs. a gutshot straight draw with one card to come or holding a set vs. top two pair (sorry again Gracie!). And when you rely on the probability of the best current hand winning, and the outcome does not favor you then tilt happens. Tilt happens a lot with me; I become emotional when the outcome of the cards hasn’t favored me since Citizen Kane was still being played at the Cineplex for a nickel. Four months into the year of 2006, and I’m in the hole badly. I figured it this point I’d be writing about my plans to play at the WSOP O8 event, reaching my five figure bankroll goal, and seeing everyone again thru drunken eyes and conversing in some sloshed Nordic garble about the size of the waitresses’ chest protruding from her medieval uniform.

Instead I’ve been reduced to duly noting my weekly losses and begging for the Chinese water drip torture to stop. $20 here, $35 there, the junk kicking are beginning to finally add up to some large losses (relatively of course). I’m either too stupid or too sadistic to stop walking into the wind, up a hill that’s covered with two feet of snow. But I love the game, and I love the challenge it is presenting me with:

“Do you have the patience to ride out the variance?”

I rode out the variance of life when I got hurt at work and my world seemed like it was going to hell. Seizures, inability to speak, limited movement, fighting with the wife, being a poison pill around friends.

But, my health slowly improved. I started going out more, not minding people staring at my inability to hold a fork normally at a restaurant. Or having to wear a hat and sunglasses to business meetings with vendors and not caring what my first impression to them was except for how they appreciated me taking care of their issues.

It took time. Four years to be exact.

Right around that time I met a group of people who didn’t point, didn’t stare, instead they accepted my metaphors, one-liners, bad advice, worse daily postings, and donations to their bankrolls from my bad poker play. With my family life stabilized, and new friends to share life’s ups and downs, my health has returned mostly. Granted I still get a twitch once in a while, and my eyes may never allow me to get behind the wheel of a car again, but I’m as normal as I was before the accident. Or would that be abnormal?

If my health can improve with perseverance, why can’t my bankroll do the same? It probably will, just gotta give it time and reduce the Schleprock “woe is me” attitude to nothing.

Thanks for dropping by, now I see my local politicians have jumped on the anti-internet gambling bandwagon. Letters to these people are not going to help; education about how regulation and taxation of these sites that WOULD PUT MONEY IN THE POCKETS OF THE GOVERNMENT MUCH LIKE THE BRICK AND MORTAR CASINOS DO may help sway their thoughts on the subject. That is if they can look past the god-fearing evils of poker in the first place. But, they have no problem receiving tax payments from Canterbury’s Card Club.
Excellent platform sirs.

And you wonder why the ordinary American doesn’t care about voting?

Having bad business sense is one thing. Being ignorant just breeds apathy towards other issues.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Easter Aftermath
pokenum -o8
ah 3h 4s 5c - kd ac as 2c -- kh 6h 7d
Omaha Hi/Low 8-or-better:
820 enumerated boards containing 7d Kh 6h
cards scoop HIwin HIlos HItie LOwin LOlos LOtie EV
4s 5c Ah 3h 192 582 238 0 154 390 0 0.512
As Ac 2c Kd 173 238 582 0 390 52 0 0.488

Next time you berate someone for going all-in “on a draw” do the math, you just might be behind or not as far ahead as you think (I had the drawing hand). It is always refreshing to be told “you’re an idiot” and “learn how to play” by someone in cyber-space during a tournament. Of course if I wanted my intelligence (or lack of) insulted I could just speak to my wife, she’s more then happy to accommodate my request for verbal humility.

Well then, I had another nasty weekend with Mother Superior Variance. She bent me over her desk and I got swatted with that paddle more times then any non-practicing Catholic should for eating meat on Fridays during Lent. But, I did win back a little bit last night, as bankroll funds seem to like revolving rather then increasing between the three sites I’m playing at currently.

If you haven’t heard, Full Tilt is offering their 100% up to $300 reload currently (if you haven’t signed up please use the banner above to do so). Go check them out especially for all the WSOP qualifiers and Bracelet Races they currently have running. If I can finish in the top 75% of a Bracelet Race I think anyone who stumbles upon this page can do much better! Honestly, if you’re trying to qualify for the big dance, Full Tilt is probably your best chance, the play is fairly soft and since its not always for a $10K main event ticket, the cost for entry can be as low as $4.40 (via Marshmallow Peep Sex token tourneys).

Speaking of tourneys at Full Tilt… Hammer Out Cancer being hosted by Easycure last night was a success as he raised over $1K in the fight against this nasty disease. 61 people/bloggers showed up to do battle with the angry nurse. She sucked out like Christy Canyon in a circle jerk to begin the night as AJ was gold against a flopped set of tens against the always charming and beautiful Gracie. I knew I was behind with top two pair but cant. Stop. To. Hit. The. Fold. Button. I usually make it pretty far in a tourney if I can get lucky once, and a 12th place finish was just the thing to pep up my spirits about playing poker.

How can you feel good about finishing out of the money? Because when you’re running bad and get that one lucky hand, you start to see that “hey the cards aren’t always going against me!”. Granted I lost several coin flips and one dominated hand before trying an ill-advised re-steal to bow out before the final table, I was able to take those beats from stealing blinds and not playing pussy poker for once. I still have no illusions about being able to play tourneys profitably, but a nice finish against tough competition always helps a frail psyche like mine. Not to mention some more WPBT-POY points acquired.

Funny that the only tourney that I failed to get points in... was an Omaha tourney. I suck at life.


Anyone else eat too much yesterday?

*Raises Hand*

Bacon, egg bake, quiche, sausage, cinnamon rolls, caramel rolls, fruit, cereal, and fresh sliced ham. I plowed through the brunch goodness like a Champ and can still feel my love handles’ extra seeping this morning. Luckily for me, I have a very (hyper) active toddler hopped up on jelly beans to work off the excess blubber for the next days.


And Little Drizz really enjoyed finding his Easter eggs that we errr… the Easter Bunny hid around the house, including one that sat on a door knob and for the life of him he just couldn’t find it. Yeah, one of those “had to be there to be funny moments”

My parents also hid several eggs around their place but after collecting the eggs, and he would have nothing to do with the ones that didn’t rattle. “Empty mommy daddy” was his confused and somewhat sad reply as he liked the ones with jelly beans inside for immediate consumption.

Upon opening the silent eggs for him, a dollar bill was found in each one his response was a little more animated:

“oooh MONEY, I buy Bert ‘Arry!” referring to another wonderful Thomas the Tank Engine line of fine toys/videos/bed sheets/pillows/t-shirts/shoes/games/birthday cakes that he can purchase with his new found wealth.

At least I get a discount at Target.

Thanks for dropping by, now go congratulate Frankl for his victory last night, and the good doctor for fighting his way to a second place finish. Well done guys!

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Thursday, April 13, 2006

I Am A "Special" Poker Player

Ok, maybe not as "special" as those described by JoeSpeaker at the $10 Paradise rebuy tourney last night.

And for those scoring at home:

Twinkies: 2
Ken Macha's Second String T-Ball Team: 0

Ship it!!!

When I play on Wednesdays it is to “relax” and have fun. Tournaments to me are just that, they are NOT a bankroll builder as I am a very poor tournament player. Sadly, I only cashed in my smallest buy-in tourney of the night wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

- First tourney was a shootout for the million dollar guarantee at Stars, I clung onto a short stack for the majority of the time, bowing out 3rd at my table when someone limped with AKo and I caught top pair of kings and a four flush with KQ (flush didn’t make it there). Thank you sir for your passive play, may I have another?

- Second tourney was a two dollah tourney at Stars where I couldn’t get someone to lay down his TPNK on a four flush, four to a straight board (he held neither). Don’t make plays against someone who doesn’t understand it. Just bad play by me again.

- Third was promising for awhile, a $33 PLO8 MTT at Full Contact Poker, I was cruising along in the top ten for most of the tourney until I suffered back to back runner-runner flushes against shorter stacks. After the first break, I got frisky with an AKT3 (suited ace of course) due to the beats and bowed out quickly to someone playing a similar hand… but catching another runner runner flush. I saw a couple of places for my improvement, so I might take another shot at this tourney next week as the field is fairly small with minimal amounts of decent players.

The last tourney was another dollah tourney but at Party, and I managed a THREE AMERICAN DOLLARS PROFIT finishing 55th out of 1066! That statement alone requires bold letters and possibly a block party featuring some American Idol rejects. Is William Hung doing anything these days? This tourney showed once again that it is required to suckout at least once to make the money. In over three hours I did not get AA, AK, QQ, or even JJ. I got KK once (and got paid off), the rest was steals and a lucky suckout while short stacked. A cash is a cash though, I’ll take it.

But it also shows why I usually stick with the dollah tourneys and rarely adventure into meaningful (relatively) buy in tourneys. I don’t have the tourney Chops to make tournament poker profitable. This has been stated more times on this blog then OJ has stated he didn’t kill Nicole.

Speaking of relaxing and possibly finding killers on the golf course… here’s the reason why I won’t be attending the WPBT Summer Event. My dad’s side of the family (six brothers) are bringing their kids to Isle of Palms/Charleston for the week at this beach house. I can’t wait, especially since my cousins are mostly my age and all my uncles enjoy playing poker! It’s a bummer that G-Vegas is too far away for a quick possible exit to dump off some unwanted poker money to a metal head, a kilt wearing hammer thrower, and the UpForPoker crew. I guess I’ll have to drink myself asleep at the private pool and play a couple rounds of golf in between the bikini gazing on the beach.

Unfortunately this vacation is going to tap my depleting poker monies and available vacation time enough that going to Vegas in July will not be plausible. So, unless I do something out of character like win a bracelet race at FT (O8 is tonight, wish me luck) or a have very good run at the cash games, I’ll have to suffer through reading trip reports instead of almost passing out playing slots inside Imperial Palace at 4am or paying off BadBlood’s sets with top two after an unknown amount of SoCo shots and Cap'n Cokes consumed.

Who knows, I could get lucky.

Thanks for dropping by, now if you’re in the Twin Cities area and like (mostly) free beer. My co-ed softball team is having a beer bust at J. Cousineau’s in Maple Grove. Pay $5 at the door, drink as much American macro brew that you can guzzle in two hours. A chili bar will also be provided. I’m most likely to wear some poker room swag hat with my usual #99 jersey and will either be holding a screaming toddler politely asking to play Virtual Bowling or having a very pregnant woman telling me to “slow down” with the drinking.

Free beer needs to be taken advantage of, no?

BEER BUST -- April 22nd from 2:00 - 4:00 at J Cousineau's in Maple Grove.
$5.00 - Chili bar and beer during this period.
J Cousineau's 13540 Grove Dr N Maple Grove, MN 55311 - 4400
(763) 420-8355

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

This Should Be a Song

I’m watching my high school girlfriend head into her house for the last time while sitting inside my 85’ Nova compact complete with bitchin stereo system (Alpine deck, amps, tweeters and of course 12" sub-woofers) that cost more then the car and the newly minted (but different colored) quarter-panel that was slapped on due to someone that was late for soda-pop stocking duties at your local Target store. And as I sit back and reflect on the most recent date with bubbly blonde named Cyndi, I sport smile on my face quite similar to one you’d have after a major accomplishment.

But the tears in my eyes spoke a different story; I knew from others that this was the last time that we’d share a smile in an enclosed place. I didn’t have much self-esteem back then, bad skin, bad eyes, half-deaf, and top it off with a speech impediment and you’ve got a walking high school joke target. I didn’t have the self-esteem to call Cyndi’s continuous bluffs of using me for nearly three years as rebound guy; I allowed it to happen time and time again. Go out together for a couple of months, then find out before a (name a school dance/big activity here) that she was dating someone else and instead of confronting her, I’d sulk back to my routine of school/sports/work/homework waiting for her to notice me in the hallways again.

Ferris Bueller mentioned that his buddy Cameron would marry the first women he laid because he would have gotten everything he dreamed of... and that she would treat him like shit. That was me, despite the never having sex part (this is one of those parts of your life that you wish you knew what you know now, back then). She introduced me to bOObies, soft kisses that lasted for hours, and those little sweet nothings notes that got passed between Home Ec and Physics class made you feel special.

But sitting in my car after three years of this charade, I was heading off to ASU in two months and I’d heard thru friends that she was dating yet another guy from another school without telling me. She waved from the door with a smile that I matched despite the battle royal steel cage wrestling match going on inside my head. I didn’t have the courage to make a clean break because I knew soon enough that I would start getting ignored again until she needed a bony shoulder to rest her soft, blonde hair on.

That’s just how it had to be.

Poker has been a rough relationship over the past two years of play. I get a glimpse of a bare shoulder only to be smacked as I bend over to kiss it. The bankroll represents my broken relationship with my HS girlfriend. She’s overjoyed at times to see me, lauding me with hugs and kisses and promises of after-school activities on her couch. The harsh reality of variance that steps in-between the triumphs seems vast and cold. “Why when I do everything right does this game continue to spite me?”, much like I used to ask myself “why do I put myself thru all this trouble just for 15 seconds of fun (ok maybe 20 seconds)?”.

It’s because I enjoyed the chase and the rewards from the chase, despite the goal seemingly unreachable (then it was getting laid, now its a spot at the WSOP and/or a five-figure bankroll). Yes, I do have a tad more self-esteem these days, and this time I am knowingly allowing myself to get hurt by the rejections and relishing the quick, seductive winks of victories. Granted one of these days the coin flips wins will come in at the right time, my double digit outs will hit on the right pots, I'll hit my three outer, or my call of a bluff will be rewarded with a sizable increase to the bankroll.

But until then I’ll be sitting in the noisy multi-colored car, rocking to Master of Puppets, and waiting for the short blonde with Nordic blue eyes and athletic figure to ride with me again.

Thanks for dropping by, please go read the pages on the right as they actually can type out the English language without making it sound like fingernails on a chalkboard like I do.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006


No other word describes my play for the past three month better then “stuck”. I haven’t won a lot nor have I lost a lot. It seems like an endless transfer of funds from one site to the next, then back again the next day. Am I finally realizing that I’m a break-even player, destined to bonus whore to turn a profit?

No, I’ve always been honest about my “abilities” or lack-thereof. But this maddening carousel of break-even play, or the appearance of it makes for a very dull game. I stopped with record keeping in March, not due to sloth, but due to the fact that poker was becoming a job. Booking billable hours like an attorney, keeping records like an accountant, and fending off 18 year old porn starlets like Ron Jeremy. After I ditched the work part of poker the game became fun again, and I enjoy those two hours of play that I try to squeeze in every night. Granted I’m still hitting the books, re-reading my Ray-Zee and Super System II, watching others play and making notes of their betting tendencies, but the record keeping part is what bogged me down mentally towards the game.

The irony is I’m an auditor. I enjoy books of numbers and figuring out patterns, yet I hated my nightly recording keeping, much like a certain two year old puts on his icky face when presented with veggies for dinner. It wasn’t the losses that I minded; it was business aspect of the game that the causal player like me can’t comprehend. Real players log every session with meticulous notes right down to what brand of thong that hot dealer was wearing because she had on some light tan colored lyrca pants and her leopard skinned panties soaked through the material and you couldn’t help but to look.

Yes, you looked, denying it is lying to yourself.

Do women want you to look or are they “just trying to be sexy for themselves” and curse you out when you take a few seconds too long staring at the camel toe or that sexy lower back tattoo. Not that I would ever do that. But, the women who would curse you out are not being true to themselves, as they wear the provocative clothing and are shocked that men might actually look at them! OMG my boob is falling out of my three sizes too small IPEX bra DON’T LOOK YOU PERVERT!

Maybe I’m not being true to myself by not keeping these records of my play. I’m trying to conceal my lackluster game by ignorance to the fact that the triangle of my g-string is showing every time I bend over. Sure, I keep a mental log of how I’m doing but without the session to session records of play I can’t tell who I’m playing well against, at what limits, which games (embarrassingly I’ve been most profitable at the NLHE cash games lately) and what time of the day to avoid (or if I REALLY want to put on my tinfoil hat, which sites to avoid).

Starting next month, I’m going to pick up the ball again and record each cash game session/SnG/tourney and try to pinpoint where my leaks are and figure out why I’m still a break-even player almost 18 months after starting to play this addictive game. Who knows maybe I’ll come to the conclusion that I am in fact just a break-even player and be fine with that. As long as the game remains challenging and that I keep whining about (insert bad play/bad beat here), I’ll keep coming back to take on the latest idiot to figure out how to use Neteller cause Chris Moneymaker told him to sign up at

Thanks for dropping by, now what is the appropriate thing to tell your very pregnant wife on how she looks? I went for “DAMN honey you look like you’re ready to burst” and she got a chuckle out of it. Or maybe that’s why I spent most of the evening watching CSI re-runs and rubbing her feet.

Monday, April 10, 2006

The Master's Champion 2026

After showing the future champ how NOT to putt the ball correctly, he secretly chuckled about his dad's choice in footware on the course.

Phil may have edged out Wyatt for the green jacket this year, but with Wyatt's mad sand game I doubt he'll hold onto the title next year.

Yet another perfect drive.

Of course I didn't get any pics of the tantrum he threw after trying to get him to leave. Even offers of Shrek styled fun fruit were refused.


I'd like to welcome Poker Source Online to the fray, their bonus system and freerolls are a must to any internet player wishing to take the sting out of those two outers with gift certificates to places like Best Buy. Click on the banner above and give them and their forum a try. Duggle, any chance you could show me how to replace the header with the banner you made? Thanks.

Thanks for dropping by, now can someone explain Dutchy's story? I watched it on Sportscenter this morning and makes me wonder how many home plate collisions a catcher can take before he drinks the kool-aid and joins Tom Cruise off the deep edge.

Friday, April 07, 2006

Bankroll Tip #439

After you fall asleep/pass out during a poker game for the third time, its always advisable to push all-in on the next hand when you wake up.

Enjoy your weekend folks.

Thursday, April 06, 2006


Not “I found a empty bottle of Captain Morgan, a midget stripper, Tara Reid and blue latex body paint splattered over my bedroom” wrecked.

But why would I enter a $2 tourney at 9pm on a site that I hate (Absolute) but for some reason they continue to give me $10 every other month, knowing that I’m going to make the final table like 4 hours later and win a whopping $16 after suffering a beat at the final table and taking 8th out of 368 at somewhere north of 1am?

Because I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me.

Soooooooooooooooooo tired, plus after work I don’t get to pass go and collect $200, I get to go straight to Toys R’ Us and probably have to use a crowbar to pry Little Drizz away from the Thomas the Tank Engine displays and explain to him why he can’t get the new motorized Percy or James. But, it’s a joy seeing him get so excited about the toys so it’s a parental washout at least until I try to buckle him back into his car seat. I’ve found calculus problems less migraine inducing then trying to snap his Graco into place while he does his withdrawing crack addict dance.

Can’t wait to have two of em to buckle in.

One month away.

Thanks for dropping by, now if you haven’t been hitting up the bracelet races at Full Tilt you are missing out on a cheap way to dance with our three fine bloggers at the WSOP who have their tickets punched already. Use bonus code Drizz99, or click the banner above if you haven’t signed up.

On a more serious note, please go read Bobby’s latest post about a soccer-a-thon he will playing in to benefit a family in need after the mother succumbed to an aggressive form of cancer. Read the post on his site to learn how to donate for this worthy cause.

What Is It?

On April 29, 2006 from 4pm until midnight we will gather at SoccerZone in
Novi, Michigan (41550 Grand River Ave, Novi MI 48375, 248-374-0500) to
participate in 8 straight hours of soccer to raise money for the Novoa family
and Small Cell Ovarian Cancer research. Participants are asked to seek
sponsorship from family, friends, colleagues or anyone else that wants to
contribute to this extremely worthy cause (see attached registration

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Walking Backwards

You just stacked/felted/gutted someone in a cash game. What goes through your mind?

“Whatta f’in donkey of COURSE I had the flush with 84s after paying one extra bet to see the flop, stupid idiot that can’t lay down AA” or “YEAH BITCH eat my AA vs. your KK, you know who’s boss, now bend over and reload so I can take more of your free money you’re giving away”

If that is your typical answer, you may be guilty of over-estimating your game. The other player simply got married to his pre-flop hand (I’m VERY guilty of this at times) and you were the recipient of his/her bad fortune. Granted you had the pot odds to play for the extra bet or you caught the perfect hand, but are you looking at from both sides?

How many times do you complain, “WTF was he playing that Q6o UTG against my 3X BB raise from the button and hitting trip 6s against my kings?!?!?!” or in Omaha-speak “WTF was he playing 5699 against my AA24 double suited and hitting quad 9s?!?!?!”.

Again, I’m guilty of this, it’s a difficult thing to get over since you’re making the right decision pre-flop and possibly post-flop, but the outcome does not favor you. Much like Felicia mentioned in her posts about seeing the game from the “fish’s perspective”, her lesson would work with any opponent.

Let’s see the Q6o hand and add in ALL of the variables (granted this is just one train of thought, poker is fun because there’s 50 million ways to see the same situation):

“I’ve got big stack at this table and a tight image, I’ll limp in and if I hit the flop hard maybe I can earn some extra chips”. “Ok, two other limpers and… oh wait the button raised, I’ll have to be cautious now and hope I don’t get squeezed, the SB folded, BB completed, I might as well at least call the raise and hope the two limpers come along”.

Flop 6 6 J

“Jackpot! The button wouldn’t dream of me playing a 6 from UTG, unless he’s got JJ cause that’s GOLD JERRY GOLD!!”. “I’ll bet a little and represent AJ or KJ so he’ll come back hard”. Limpers fold, the button throws out a huge raise, the BB folds like its going out of style. “He doesn’t have JJ or he would have flat called and begged the stars that I call his next bet, I’ll push here and apologize for cracking his AA, KK, or QQ, then secretly hope he reloads on tilt”.

Does anyone else ever do this?

I’m sure I’m not breaking new ground or reinventing the wheel here. Working a hand backwards has given me a better understanding of where did I go wrong, could I have prevented it, and what is my opponent thinking. I did this with two hands last night.

One hand I went busto on due to overplaying my QQ overpair when a straight draw hit on the turn. The opponent in my heads up match for the World Cup qualifier had been playing extremely tight as I raised several times and took blinds without much resistance, and when he insta pushed despite having 30BBs+ left, I should have given him credit for 89o, or at the very least, a set. His bets mirrored what I would have done as flat calling my flop bet made sense, and his push on the turn is something I do at various times while holding the nuts as sometimes people think it’s a weakness/blocking bet and will call it.

Me = donkey

The second hand of the night was from PLO8 where I got A34Q (suited ace) and played the hand for a min raise with four people. I flop a huge nut low draw, top pair (with the Q) along with a runner-runner flush draw. Called a pot sized bet, the turn brings a un-counterfeitable low for me but no flush draw, the original raiser pushes his short stack, there’s one other caller, and I call. The river gives me a wheel and after a check I push to see I’m the only one who had re-draws and rake in a nice size pot.

From the raiser’s perspective, I see he had AAXX saw an uncoordinated board and correctly bet the pot hoping his large bet would shake off any dry low draws. The push on the turn I’m guessing was because he was short-stacked (he started the hand with a ½ stack) and believed his aces was the best hand since no one pushed back on the flop.

Me = Recipient of luck

I could have been quartered or worst just as easily in this hand, but by walking back through the hand I don’t get too excited about my skillz as I received the perfect cards to give me the pot. Humility is a great tool for a poker player whether you’re victorious or that skier from the old Wide World of Sport “agony of defeat” reels. Some players, like a certain recent spammer, don’t learn this lesson as they run up a huge amount of wins by running over weak players, thus become over confident in their skillz.

If you feel as though the game has become “too easy”, take a quick step back, and look at WHY you won. Did you correctly push a weak-tight player off his hand when the flush hit (even you didn’t have it)? Did you milk every last cent out of that maniac when you flopped the nuts? Did you win because the opponent had a second best hand (like getting QQ three handed in an SnG only to see a fellow blogger turn over AA)?

Thus ends another attempt at a “strategy” post. I’ll return tomorrow with musing about why waking up a pregnant wife can be hazardous to your health.

Thanks for dropping by, now here’s a joke from my sister-in-law (does anyone think of Al in this situation?):

Subject: You gotta Love a Drunk
>> A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a
>> loud pounding on the door...
>> The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
>> standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
>> "Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the
>> morning."
>> He slams the door and returns to bed.
>> "Who was that?" asked his wife!
>> "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
>> "Did you help him?" she asks.
>> "Are you kidding? NO, I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and
>> its pouring rain outside!!"
>> His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke
>> down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you
>> should be ashamed of yourself!"
>> The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out into
>> the pouring rain.
>> He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?"
>> "Yes," comes back the answer.
>> "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
>> "Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.
>> "Where are you?" asks the husband.
>> "Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

I am Poker Champ

-EV Playing for +EV Experience

Thank you Iggy for the all the play you’ve given us in these WSOP tourneys. Never before have I played an online MTT and not felt compelled to play like a push monkey. Even though I played craptastically and didn’t adjust when I needed to, I learned more about deep stack play and my lack of patience that hurt me in the end. I don’t expect to do well in these tourneys as my “game” isn’t one suited for tournament play. I understand tournament strategy and incorporate it but often I’m left wondering “what could I have done better?”

I’m an extremely patient poker player while playing cash games. Not weak, not loose unless you count the penny tables of course, then I’ll LAG it up. But, last night I made a fold without thinking it through (yes Jordan, I would have called) and it derailed my night. I have no one but to blame myself for opening up another table after playing solid poker for almost four hours and not paying full attention to the action when it mattered at the end. Dem are the breaks, at least for once I can blame myself instead of some bad beat like I laid on someone with AQ vs. AK.

I will be playing in the Team USA Minnesota qualifier on PokerStars (thanks Otis for mentioning it) this evening and trying not to mirror my horrid performance last night. Oh man I just used the word performance while describing poker play. Ugh. That sounds so pompous for someone like me who plays as a hobby and has zero “going pro” aspirations. Yeah, it would be cool to play at the WSOP just once, and its nice to purchase a “poker trophy” (like my iPod and laptop), but I have no reality breaks that I’m no better then an average player. I am Al Newman, I am that 3rd line Center on a hockey team, I am a B- student. For now, I’m ok with that as I do make a little profit from this game and enjoy the playing itself as I’ve always loved card games.

This introspection is brought to by the letter “P” for PUSSY!

I know I need to kick myself in the vagina and stop whining. It’s a bad habit.

Good luck to whoever won last night the seats last night, and give thanks to Iggy for ponying up the difference to send not one but TWO bloggers to the big dance.

Thanks for dropping by, now what’s your line here:

You enter your parent’s home after moving out 8 years ago and are led to your old bedroom to be confronted by your Catholic mother about a condom (ribbed for her pleasure) that was found in the ceiling panel.

Do you:

a) Admit to being cautious about safe sex and purchasing the condom
b) Admit to using the condoms to jerk off with because it “felt different”
c) Exclaim “holy shit I hope you didn’t find my stash of Adam and Eve catalogs and Hustler magazines that I had up there”
d) Deny ever having sex prior to marriage resorting to “finger blasting” only with dates
e) Deny its yours and claim its your younger sister's causing an awkward moment

Monday, April 03, 2006

Still Having Fun

Not as much fun as future Twins phenom Francisco Liriano, but enough to keep a smile on my face for a weekend. Nice first impression there Franny especially after making your first opening day roster! At least you got the obligatory pro athlete “brush with the law” thing out of the way early in your career so people will forget when you and Johan start piling up wins in the next couple of years.

I managed to tip back a few drinks as well this weekend as I was entered into the Minnesota Bowling Association’s “Bowler of the Decade” tourney. To qualify I had to finish in the top five of the Most Improved Tourney back in September.

52 bowlers came of Memory Lanes in North Minneapolis to vie for a couple hundred bucks and some boxes of Old Dutch potato chips (proud sponsor of the tourney). I knew the area the alley was located looked familiar; as I saw the venue for my first rock concert attended back in the days before iPods. Great White and Jackyl played at The Quest down the street from the bowling alley and because I’m a lumberjack baby, and I’m gonna cut you down to size! Ah c’mon you liked Jackyl, admit it, I still do.

Arriving early at the venue I quickly took care of my need to be slightly tipsy while throwing a 16 pound rock down some planks of wood. Shout out to the bar staff for not skimping on the Cap’n in my drinks. Then again for $5 a drink I’d hope they would tip the bottle more then the pop (soda for those of you outside of the state of Minnesota) spray gun. I showed off my Ms. Pacman chops for my mom and sister by promptly finishing 25 levels before attending to the announced lane assignments that included my brother-in-law who takes bowling a tad more seriously then I do. The lanes were super slick and I was one more split away from ordering a bottle SoCo to stop thinking about how badly I was doing. A 143 in my first game left me on the outside looking in as the 52 person roster would be cut in half after the next game.

Then the buzz finally kicked in.

I nailed a 203 my second game, and while waiting for the results; saw my name get posted above lane 8 as some yummy chicken strips with honey mustard sauce arrive. Half the field would get cut again as the third game I opened with a split in the first frame but went on a tear to finish with a 210 and made the final cut before the stepladder finals. Meanwhile my brother-in-law managed to finish first overall with the help of rolling a 299, unlike the PBA where they give you a $100K bonus for a 300, at least he gets a ring and plaque for the game.

With a 140 in my last game, my Cinderella story died in the fourth round, much like George Mason’s run did (although they did make it one step further). $42.00 for 10th place (my brother-in-law would lose the stepladder final and take down $200.00), not too shabby finish for a guy who is more interested in the free drink score rather then notching together a few strikes.

While still buzzing when I got home I found my internet friends on the Tandy computer styled internet chat room (or IRC). They proclaimed to want to play poker.

Yeah, I still play once in a while.

Penny poker is a fun way to blow off steam, or add some on if you were the victim of my many suckouts. I think I managed to win more money at that table then I did playing $200 PLO8 all weekend.

Stop your laughing!

But I wasn’t the real winner at the table. No, that distinction goes to Luis from Puerto Rico. His USE OF CAPITAL LETTERS WAS QUITE ANNOYING BUT HE WAS HAVING A BLAST DESPITE BEING SURROUNDED BY DRUNKEN POKER BLOGGERS. I believe CJ, Spaceman, Mourn, and Lord Byron took him under their wings to bless this up and coming player with enough stash to start his poker money making machine. Anyone wanna back me for the $2000 PLO8 game? I wouldn’t. I have a lot to learn about the aggression at the higher stakes before taking on those sharks. I understand and recognize the subtle “moves” used in these games but the $$$ are way too high for my meager bankroll. And while playing this weekend I’ve learned that my patience level isn’t where it needs to be to compete over the long term.

But least I’m having fun learning again.

Thanks for the dropping by, now go check out all the April Fool’s “post as your favorite blogger” posts. Damn you guys are good.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

860th Greatest Poker Player

As the 860th greatest poker player (as of 6/3/05) I often have to fend off pesky things like women wanting me to autograph their newly minted 36 DDDs on the way to work. This greatly annoys me as there’s only so much Bobby Bracelet I can give back to the community while keeping it real.

And keeping it real I do.

Between my charitable work of exterminating the world of douchebaggery and making sure Playboy Bunnies are sexually satisfied daily there’s little time for Bobby Bracelet to think about Bobby Bracelet. When I stand in front of a mirror and admire the hunk and the junk looking back at me, I often theorize how difficult it must be for people to go through life and not be me. Alas, this my way of giving back to the people (even that fuck-tard at Arby’s who spent five minutes at the drive-thru window deciding between a curly fries and a potato cake only to ask for sliced apricots instead because his shoe size IQ wouldn’t allow his Michelob Ultra bottle cap sized brain process the fact that Arby’s doesn’t serve sliced apricots and he should stab himself in the face for displaying an act of stupidity unseen since Larry the janitor used his 1000 original shares of Microsoft as toilet paper back in 1979 and now is resigned to playing bingo every night at the VFW for beer money).

Where was I?

Oh yes, giving to the people. I am a giver, just ask those three ladies that confirmed my junk and lived to tell the tale. I hear they have orgasms from just hearing the word “Bobby”. I, Bobby Bracelet of WSOP and iPod fame will teach YOU how to not suck at life. I introduce this awe-flipping-some tome of daily affirmations so you too can block out all the ass-tards in your life.

OneTooMany: The Guide to Becoming a Poker God (like me)

Chapters will include:

- “Yes, my junk is huge, but I have standards” (how to get women begging for more)

- A guide on check-raising douchebag tourists off their straight flushes

- What to do when faced with a decision of going home with the blonde or a brunette

It pains me to give away my secrets, but Bobby Bracelet is giver not a receiver I just don’t swing like that.

Run don't walk to buy my book now before it’s too late. Peace.