Saturday, December 29, 2007

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Hot or Not?

There’s a fine line between funny and insulting, buzzed and drunk, and Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders and their uniforms. Many people only look at the top layer and don’t go beyond the comprehension that yes she probably had breast implants and immediately tag her as shallow and ditzy but if you’re looking at them in HD or paid $1,000 for those front row seats and are following their every ripple and bounce wasn’t it worth it?

Every night I’ve played on the tables for the past week comment spew from the idiot box ranging from “you fish” to “idiot” to “I wish I had your babies”. Sorry, that job was locked up seven years ago and next month I’ll be as fertile as the cat. Omaha isn’t a game for those who can’t handle variance in the least. I’m sure if Felicia were to chart out the highs and lows emails and chats with her during my start towards playing four card bingo on a regular basis they’d rival a topography map of the Himalayas.

When you push stacks and regularly get to the turn being a 60/40 favorite despite holding the nuts, you’re going to lose far more often then getting your money in good while playing Hold Em’. Math is hard, losing as a favorite is harder, and comprehending you are gambling more while playing Omaha thus having your bankroll bounce more then the aforementioned double d’s above is the hardest. People can play this game for years and still not see how slight your overall edge is unless you push those small favorites consistently.

Quiz for you (and don’t cheat with Twodimes or Fuel’s PokerOven or whatever its called), you are playing No Limit Omaha 8 or Better 6-max ring game because that fifth shot of Maker’s is hitting the right spot and call an oversized 12BB pre flop raise (98.6% meaning Aces) with As 2s 4h 5d:

Board is 2c 3h Qs

If you firmly put the opponent on naked aces with no to little low draw, what’s your play?

If you said call the push and suckout, you’re half right but it’s the aces that would be sucking out. And the beauty of hitting with a hand like this is unless your opponent is some 2+2 or PocketFives poster, they will label you as a fish/donk/retard and if life in the fast lane of playing draws for stacks scares you? Just revert into value betting the nuts and you’ll get paid off. Simple isn’t it!

Except you miss your low and the other 13,248,098.4 outs and have to click on the “get chips” button. Now you’re probably cursing at those idiot blogs and poker message boards for giving you bum advice, like your friend’s decision to give that drunk stripper a ride home and end up driving around downtown Minneapolis for 45 minutes before dropping her back off without even a courtesy blow job.

Thanks for dropping by, now I need some cigar advice much like DP as I’d like to get something other then my usual Gurkha Torpedo for New Year’s.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

A Gift Card? Sweet!

Work is determined to keep me in wraps for the week, hopefully this weekend I can get to the sideline pics I was able to take. Including my wife snapping off three pics of Purple Jesus' ass.

Action great. Result of game, not so much. I was told I was on TV during all of the Redskins TDs for a brief moment. Almost famous! But I'll never have GRob's hair.

Football players are big people.

Christmas was cool, Vegas monkey virus still not shaken off my back.

Hope everyone enjoyed the day as our last family gathering ended at 1:30pm yesterday, and by 1:45 we had all the decorations down due to the incoming kitchen by the end of the week. No idea why the wife was in such a frenzy to tear down the fake garland and multi-colored snowmen but its all packaged up for next year to make way for the new appliances and cabinets with crown molding as this year's paycheck is being used so we can nuke ready made mac and cheese packets in stainless steel style.

Oh, and poker still sucks. But at least I got called a fish!

Sunday, December 23, 2007

One More Christmas Wish

NFL Sunday Week 16 and my repaired TV from the Packer drubbing 6 weeks ago is going to show a Vikings team that holds their own balls for a playoff spot.

Down Winfield and Rice today its smashmouth vs. smashmouth and not the day to be on the line for either team. I don't know if Gibbs will shy away from the great running tandem they have, but at the Metrodome there's usually only one team that hits triple digits from their backs.

Freeroll for those who beat the Doc today at FantasySportsLive. LIKE ME! Sign up for five bucks, win free mobneys, brag about giving the Jets fan a beat down.

Hope you are all crushing the Christmas weekend like pros as I'm lucky enough to get two days of nothing but blogs, poker, and mass quantities of barley hops in various flavors thanks to friends who were thoughtful enough to get me a 12 bottle variety pack of beer versus a gift card to Sharper Image.



Skins vs. Vikes

Drizz hoping not to get killed on the sideline.

Friday, December 21, 2007


Why am I up at 2am???

Because I'm sitting way short at the final table of my favorite $5 double stack PLO tourney at Full Tilt that's why!

Sigh, all this for a stack at my cash game, but for some reason this seems more important as I really don't play for the money, but more for the enjoyment of the game. Play one hand after the break, run into Aces and they hold.


Thursday, December 20, 2007

Its A Holly Jolly Drunken Christmas

One family Christmas gathering down four more to go.

Is there anything better then seeing bacon wrapped lil' smokies coated in brown sugar while going through the different pot luck offerings that makes you wonder if these relatives just took the contents of their refrigerator and tossed them into an overpriced Tupperware container?

Maybe the open bar can beat that but we'll leave the bacon vs. alcohol debate among those who are far more qualified to wax poetic about such things.

And if you've ever had to throw away something prior to a flight and got pissed about it... here's your hero.

A man nearly died from alcohol poisoning after quaffing a liter (two pints) of vodka at an airport security check instead of handing it over to comply with new carry-on rules, police said Wednesday.

The incident occurred at the Nuremberg airport on Tuesday, where the 64-year-old man was switching planes on his way home to Dresden from a holiday in Egypt.

New airport rules prohibit passengers from carrying larger quantities of liquid onto planes, and he was told at a security check he would have to either throw out the bottle of vodka or pay a fee to have his carry-on bag checked as cargo.

Instead, he chugged the bottle down — and was quickly unable to stand or otherwise function, police said....

Clearly he violated the one drink of water per shot rule.

Any Skins fans that want easy money versus the Vikes? Place your bets in the comments area, I'm currently on a five game losing streak with these damn prop bets.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

From Around These Parts

A joke only Midwesterns would understand....

Wisconsin is planning to do its own, entitled "Survivor - Wisconsin Style"....

The contestants will start in Milwaukee, travel up to Sheboygan and on to Manitowoc and Green Bay.

Then they will head over to Wausau and up to Rhinelander and Minocqua.

From there they will proceed up to Ashland and Superior. Then back down through Hayward, Rice Lake, Balsam Lake, Chetek, over to Eau Claire and all the way down to Madison and back over to Milwaukee.

Each contestant will be driving a pink Volvo with Minnesota license plates and a large bumper sticker that reads:

Brett Favre is Gay.
Hillary in 2008.
Deer hunting is murder.
Go Vikings!

The first one that makes it back to Milwaukee alive wins.

Mookie tonight, no Aussie trip on the line, but you might see a Drizz there because Full Tilt is offering double points on all ring games now until the end of the year, and since the wife is on a workout kick right now I'd like to snag an iPod if possible.

Otherwise I'm sure she'd look good in the Mike Matusow signed thong.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Santa Claus Knows If You've Been Bad or Good

Wyatt isn't showing any signs from taking that nasty spill (knock on wood) but he did get a letter from Santa Claus last night about the new Transformers and toys coming his way if he behaves from now until Christmas.

Every other sentence coming from his four year old mouth:

"Is he still watching me?"

Too cute for words.

Cute isn't how I'd describe that win last night by the men in purple but even with trying to give away the game, the Vikes pulled it off and head into a big wild-card potential game on Sunday night versus the resurgent Redskins. And guess who's gonna be on the sidelines?

That would be me.

Sadly, I will not be modeling the Packers t-shirt from Mrs. Chako, as I'll be part of the sideline radio crew for KFAN. Seeing that the last game I attended was against the Packers five years ago, pumped would be a tepid adjective towards seeing this game live. I'll have to keep the fanboi in me down as Purple Jesus dashes for another touchdown and every interception by Winfield as I'll be working.

So if you're watching the game on TV look for the beanpole holding up one of those dishes on the sidelines and laugh when a wave of Purple and Red bodies roll over him.

WPBT Venetian regrets: Loved it all, didn't get to that steak dinner with The Bracelet (but I blame that man-eating blackjack dealer), missed out on 4am Pai Gow with Otis, chatting up with PokerPeaker, playing in that mixed game with BWOP and F-Train (that one was my drunken fault but I blame Garth the enabler!!!), playing a little more poker with the bloggers as $2/$4 limit at the Flamingo before my flight felt like the poker purgitory with some of the worst mix of rocks/idiots I've ever seen, I had to be tapped awake two different times in two hours.

"We'll have next time" is the theme for those I missed out on seeing. And if you attended you'd know that the saying rings true. I'll be in the G-Vegas area this summer hopefully to partake in a homegame and while the IP's Pai Gow tables may be nearing the wrecking ball, I'm sure we can find someplace else in Vegas to search for steak and eggs.

Monday, December 17, 2007

WPBT The Venetian Day Three: Go Pack!!

Monday morning I slipped out without waking the warthog to do some gambling in my jammies and find a decent hot chocolate after a whole previous day of gambling euphoria I lost exactly $5. Clearly Vegas needed more of this idiot’s money.

Sunday began in the spacious Imperial Palace sports book which resembles more of a northern dimly lit bar versus the glitz and glamour of the Vegas strip. But, we call it home for its tolerance toward our degenerate poker playing group to drink (two liters of water) and shout at the various TVs freely when our perfectly handicapped four team parlays go down the tube. After having to wager on the Cowboys and Yankees due to my lost prop bets, I thought I’d go all the way with the fanboi sport fan picks and take Duke and North Carolina to win the Final Four in 2008.

After plopping down a significant wager on the Vikes and five or six parlays, I took my seat with BG and The Bracelet to watch my parlay fall one by one in slow motion during the morning games. At least the all meat pizza rocked despite my stomach still doing flips from the near handle of Cap’n I consumed at the Venetian. With the morning game out of the way, it was time for my Vikes to dominate the 49ers and pull me close to even for the day with one live ticket left:

Seattle -7.5 and Browns -3.

Seattle locked it up early, but the Browns game would flip-flop more then a presidential candidate at a $10,000 a plate fundraiser. They win! They kick a fuckin field goal?!?!?! They recover an onside kick and run it back! They’re going to down the ball…. Oh wait he’s still running, and running, RUN FORREST RUN!!! TOUCHDOWN!!! There may have been grown men dancing and cheering like Jessica Alba just ran through the sportsbook naked holding pitchers of beer.

Bonus money is the sweetest money and after my gallon of water and green tea it was time to start up some real gambling as I set out to play SERIOUS POKER with the very sexy BWOP and Not-so-fat F-Train who looked like he did a thousand sit ups a day to get back to his dollar bill weight. Mixed game, anything non hold em would suffice, Mirage? Natch. TI? Smoove new room but no. Venetian? Mixed game not going. Ugh. Now my feet were started to get heavy as all I wanted was sit down and give away money so the executive decision was made to get dropped off at the IP as they headed down to the Bellagio. Seat open at Pai Gow? Would I like to play? Sure but no drinking yet. Seated with Speaker, Garth, Garth’s lovely girlfriend Gretchen, Betty Underground minus ½ cup size but we wouldn’t hold that against her as she looks great, and the Pai Gow Princess Maigrey drinking would need to start again.

“I’ll just have what they’re having” as the chest sparkles rang out from the waitresses uniform. A Newcastle was placed in front of me and for some reason I felt compelled to grab a fresh drink with every passing. “You have to finish that one before you get a new one!” as I’d chug down the drinks and hand it off as the other hand deftly grabbed a full one.

After nearly thirty minutes of trying to convince the first dealer to smile were rebuffed like my attempts to get laid in high school. SERIOUS PAI GOW! Thankfully the Great Stone Wall of China left and we continued our good time with the pit bosses and dealers afterwards despite losing all the chips in front of me after a few hours and having to defer an invite to rejoin F-Train and BWOP at the Wynn to Betty “I don’t think he’s in shape to do that” it was time to play some craps and with a vacant table we continued our roaming party with the dice. With Speaker soft as a down comforter tosses continued, I had my fire bet out and licking my chops at the 25-1 odds if another point was rolled. My make-an-ass-out-of-myself meter hit a weekend high when a hard eight was rolled when I did some white-boy touchdown dance as our end of the table was suddenly flush with cash.

But as we deferred the dice to the other end not one point was made, and with the Nordic winds of change the phones came out to check the time and hunger pangs overtook the needs to bet the yo and a crusty potato/cheese/egg/meat skillet hit the spot to close up day three in wonderland.

Monday morning I’d wake up too early and decent from the Flamingo in search of breaking even for the weekend in my jammies but end up giving away a few car payments instead as I’ll wrap this up tomorrow with a few regrets about people I missed at the gathering.

Thanks for dropping by, now if you are in need of a song to sing along with tonight as I’m sure Dr. Chako’s wife will be doing during every Vikes touchdown, here you go. SKOL VIKINGS LETS GO!!!

Skol Vikings! Let's win this game
Skol Vikings! Honor your name
Go get that first down
Then get a touchdown
Rock 'em, sock 'em, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT! FIGHT!
Go Vikings, run up the score, you'll hear us yell for more!
Skol Vikings, let's go!

Saturday, December 15, 2007

No Broken Crown

Sorry for the delay of the trip report, maybe tonight when I dive into this handle of Cap'n I just acquired from Costco.

A not so funny thing happened while there as Wyatt was inside the cart and the front wheel broke popping him up and onto the cement head first. Now, I have to go fill out something at the store in case he starts getting dizzy.

From my history with head injuries, I was exactly shouting Pai Gow when this happened. Hopefully he's ok in two days, because that's when I fear something might show.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

WPBT The Venetian: Day Two Lighting Up Success

“I need a birthday present”

Each year for the past three I have spent in the company of this merry band of thieves in Las Vegas.

The first year was spent trying to stay vertical and watching others fall to the Excal wheel. I made the final two tables, but fell with a short stack.

The second year was spent watching myself fall and wondering if the casinos would be the only ones getting my gambling money. I made the final two tables, but fell to a suckout.

This year was spent trying to prove to myself that I can play this game while blowing through tip money for some of the hottest waitresses on the strip. I made the final table, but fell to being unable to shove my money in and one hand (SERIOUS POKER PEOPLE!!!) I’ll open the floor to opinion that I didn’t even consider a third option for.

The day began with the loveable Gracie on my left with her Curious George bust out prize taunting my every move. PokahDave to her left was fortunate enough to view my Pai Gow superiority the evening before as I played the part of PaiGow Pimp by playing behind on April’s and Betty’s hands for about an hour until the killjoy high school principle pit boss came over to squash our fun. Grubby was intent on grabbing any piece of swag on the table to Dave’s left, including open-pushing a hand with about 1,203,764 times the big blind when a free book was announced for the winner of the next pot. I’d hate to see what he’d do for a 50% reload bonus on Full Tilt.

While most people were bounced around the room, I played at two tables the entire time, which made it easy to become friends with my table mates and those well-endowed goddesses in red and gold. Now, prior to the tourney after a slice of some heavenly pizza at Enzo’s (not as good as the slice in Key West, but definitely top 5) with Bobby “Blackjack Hates Me” Bracelet and Linda from Pokerworks (thank you for your stories!!), I broke a twenty into ones for each drink so I’d have enough tip money to last the tourney.

I ran out after six hours into the tourney.

So much for preparation. To be honest I thought I’d be smoking my Gurkha cigar with a shot of whatever at the bar with the bloggers long before that, but I won a key coin flip against a short stack, then tripled up with a push monkey move and didn’t have to show my cards, and next thing I notice we’re setting up for the final table. There’s eight hours of poker play sandwiched within this story but my rum addled mind wasn’t big on details as much as just having good fun with the dealers and table mates.

Sitting on ~45K I wasn’t in horrible shape and could afford to be a little patient, but with the loop costing $14K a piece it was getting close to push and pray territory for many of us. I never got the chance to push and pray, I was never able to open push, I never had cards to call. No one’s fault except the cards just didn’t favor me and when the two short stacks doubled up, I was left in the wind and ended up blind calling the Rooster’s Jacks with whatever trash was in my big blind.

Now… for SERIOUS POKER!!!!1111

Caldwell opens UTG for 14K with the blinds at $2K/$4K/$1K with 40Kish behind, you’re in the money with 13 left, folds around to the hero in the small blind holding AQo with 44K behind. You have a tight-ish image but people recognize that the waitress is now on a first name basis with you after bringing a fresh drink every trip regardless if you finished the first one.

a) Push and take the coin flip figuring he’s not folding a pair (I put him on a range of 88-JJ)
b) Fold (Pussy poker rules!!!)
c) Call for a possible give-and-go on a high card flop but no need to hit a pair
d) Think about What Purple Jesus Would Do and run over him while high stepping into the endzone

I thought about it for a bit and figured with the amount of play left I’d fold for a better spot but wonder if I didn’t give away my shot at the big cash right there.

After going busto, I stumbled over to the Venetian side bar where Al was holding court with a fast drifting Waffles. Received birthday hugs from the hotties, and had a great 30 second debate with Betty Underground while she enjoyed the Hemmingway cigar I brought.

Why was it “odd” to see a woman enjoy a cigar that isn’t a white house intern and was using it in a way the tobacco rollers in the Dominican Republic intended? In any regards that night further entrenched my love for this group as time and time again they know how to present the same activities in Vegas but put a twist on them like you’re looking at a scrambled Rubik Cube. It’s always the same shape, and you might get all the colors aligned, but its never the same way to the solution.

My thanks go out to Falstaff for getting us a tourney that showed a little bit of the high life for us degenerate sort. Congrats to the Rooster (now in Technicolor-Link!) for effectively playing a great tourney game. And many thanks to the poker room staff at the Venetian for their professionalism (maybe a little too far with the strictness but firm and fair is accepted everywhere including while having sex).

Thanks for dropping by, tomorrow “will you smile for a tip?”, “I have two flush draws!!”, “I think he’s a little too drunk for that”.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

WPBT Venetian Day One: Are Those Real?

As I looked at the tram leaving the government center in downtown Minneapolis going towards the Northwest plane that was scheduled to transport myself to the land of free Cap’n Cokes in exchange for playing games rigged in the favor of stony faced asian dealers, I figured I was conserving my luck for later use.

Armed with my Drizzt novels, and chilled by an Alberta clipper blowing through the downtown area, I stepped onto my train to freedom for the next three days. Every “responsible” parent/adult should cut and paste their daily schedules into the trash bin at least once a year for journey that contains no ending. While there are activities to meet and greet those scribes you read on the daily/weekly basis and get to know about their struggles with this game we love, going to the WPBT Winter Classic should be about taking care of YOUR agenda. If you want to play in that mixed game at the Venetian, do it. If you want to get rolled by a stripper, pick one up at the Geisha Bar and pass out after smelling the stench despite her promise that you’re the first customer of the day. If you want to tilt a cowboy at the poker table by telling him about the corduroy g-string you’re wearing from the Wranglers surplus store, the poker table is place where lies are rewarded.

For me, this is what Vegas is about. Satisfying my degenerate instincts to drink a little too much, gamble a little too big, laugh a little too loud, make new friends, and go home with the same smile on my face that reflected off the window seat while leaving the Lindbergh terminal on Friday morning.

After getting settled into the hotel with Speaker and the Bracelet it was time to seek out some –EV gaming and random blogger sightings. I believe I was met first by the wondrous BWOP (she is indeed the Black Widow of poker) as her suddenly slimmer escort F-Train as they were about to hit up a little Pai Gow action. Then Gary strolled in with his beautiful wife, PokerPeaker got up from the poker room to say hello after complimenting the waitress on the amount of glitter she sprinkled on her chest (actually that might have been me), then the crew of Pauly, Change100, and Derek rolled by on their way to lunch.

After seeing BG looking for a poker game, and a new table was being opened I decided to sit down with my usual small penis compensating chip stack at a $2-$4 table. “We’re out of chips sir” the brush calmly relayed after only giving me five racks. As compensation for fun, as $2-$4 limit with any bankroll size isn’t going to tingle anyone’s groin area from excitement, we made the game fun by showing down crap hand after crap hand and chatting it up with the three guys to my left who had to suffer from my re-straddles, lame metaphors, and jokes that could only be understood with that red stripe of plastic that decodes the answers to board games.

MGM Grand time was announced and after Speaker spent the entire second half of a college basketball game getting his hair ready; we headed over on the monorail to the emerald city. The mixed game is a treat for those who like holding more then two cards, and get to know their fellow bloggers via something other then a chat box. A face to the name, a name to the face, where a certain female individual was bent on removing my chip stack from in front of me by offering what was probably the best massage I’ve ever received with my clothes on and of course playing in every. Single. Hand. That I was in for four hours. After Maigrey and BWOP decided that little tower of checks was too neat and managed to spread them out in a puddle of blue and red, I have no idea if I won or lost while playing. But, winning isn’t I’m there, so I considered whatever I may have won/lost as time paid for the conversations with the people I genuinely credit for saving my soul.

Gambling may have many negative connotations to it, but to me, finding those like minded bloggers and being able to discuss how to cool down a frequent re-raiser at the tables, and how to get your 18 month old to eat broccoli in the same conversation has been a life saver. Because four years ago, I wasn’t anything. I didn’t feel. I didn’t wake up in the morning; I drifted through the day as quickly as possible. I didn’t love; I roomed with a woman that tolerated me for reasons unknown. Then, I started reading about people with similar hobbies, similar struggles. Life steadily improved; not only for myself, but rebirthing a love to that special woman I took a vow with seven years ago. My kids now get to see their man/child dad, instead of a paycheck and someone to demand that they’d be quiet while watching Matlock re-runs on TV Land.

I am not a writer in the traditional sense of someone who can entwine words, sentences, and punctuation into a story can reads like a song. My formal writing education consists of a sleeping walking through community college Freshman Comp and watching old Star Trek re-runs for English credits in high school. But, I can hammer out a few letters about things that I hold tightly from the heart like my beloved Vikings, my wife and kids, and this silly little game we gather from several points on a map to meet in Las Vegas for three days of losing a little bit of yourself, and gaining so much more back.

Thanks for dropping by, tomorrow prepare for the four horsemen as Drizz makes the final table and smokes a cigar with a woman?!!?!?!

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

WPBT: The Venetian Prelude

I may have traded seventeen screens of football and horse racing for Blues Clues when I got out of bed this morning, but my mind is still processing another great time during the WPBT Winter Classic.

New friends revealed.

Old friends cherished.

Liver demolished.

Thank you again for putting up with this man/child for three days. I'll do a proper write up once the angry bees in my head leave and I get used to the single digit weather again.

Congrats to The Rooster on his win at the tourney, and thanks to Falstaff for getting such an awesome structure that allowed us to play poker instead of a slot machine.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Minnesotan to English


Two card poker sucks, take me to a Pai Gow table immediately


Bonus bets.

Cap'n Coke.

Free Boobies.


Steak n' Eggs.

Penny slots.

No whammies.


Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Its Because You Want To

Because The Rooster thinks I need to lighten the fuck up (and he’s right) here’s some quick hits from WPBT tripin’ past:

My first thoughts about meeting those invisible internet friends from December 2004:

5) Meet the bloggers IRL The trip reports from Vegas only stoked the fire that I have been wanting to meet the bloggers out there. I know sometime this year I'll be able to meet up with Chris at Canterbury but I'd also like to attend the next WPBT event. Since my friends don't share the poker bug or the need to wager on the winner of a game of Dance Dance Revolution. It would be an honor and a learning experience to meet such people. Just give me a 3-4 month forwarning to get my liver and stomach in shape. I just hope my ghostly Minnesota whiteness doesn't frighten anyone.

Meeting the bloggers for the first time in June 2005:

Professional Craps Shooter Bill Rini pulled off a similar feat to the 1987 Minnesota Twins in his worst-to-first finish.

Congrats Bill!!!

I'm sure he didn't miss getting Gigli again.The after party set up by AlCanParty at LaCantina features too many shots of tequila and some rather disturbing karoke. Unfortunately I couldn't stay long due to my parent's being in town and I wanted to hang with them for at least one afternoon.So, me and the wife headed back to Freemont Street via the 301 bus instead of a cab.Great choice.For the next hour we were on the bus to go from MGM Grand to downtown Vegas. I fell asleep due to the mix of overheatedness, lack of rest, and yeah I drank a little too. Unfortunately there were no crack whores hitting on me to keep me awake unlike certain metrosexual bloggers.

Maybe I need a frilly shirt to attract these saucy (or is it sauced?) ladies.

Finally getting back to Fremont Street, we checked out a nice car show being displayed up and down the street. My mom pointed out a Chevy that my dad's parents once used to haul all seven boys on road trips. Stopped off to get a couple of 99 cent drinks that only downtown can provide. The maragarita was tasty from the Fremont Casino. However... the fruity drink from the casino with the seductive deep fried twinkie eater above it, sucked about as hard as she was working the pastry. I'm known for drinking just about anything and not caring, but that drink ruined my buzz. Bleh.

Seeing GRob’s hair look like he spent the morning sitting in a typhoon while playing a morning poker tourney and watch how real degenerates roll at the hepatitis infested Plaza, set the tone for the next two years of these trips.

The Winter Classic final day December 2005:

I had lost track of time unfortunately and suddenly only had 45 minutes to pack up, check out, and get my ass over to Mandalay Bay for a NFL/Horse betting orgy. Checking out was fairly quick but a little confusing since Chad was staying an extra day and he didn’t *ahem* make it back the previous night. But the beautiful desk clerk was able to get the ball rolling quickly with a smile.

The hotel may be on its way out with all the confusing elevators and constant construction, but the staff and comps definitely made up for it. Thank you Imperial Palace for holding our tournament and keeping the bar properly stocked.

20 minutes to kick off and I’m sitting on the monorail heading for MGM Grand, knowing I still need to dash down the strip to get to another monorail from Excal to Mandalay Bay. I may or may not have run over a few blue haired slot queens in the process. With five minutes to spare I spot Mike in line to place a few parlay bets and after exchanging greenbacks for worthless pieces of paper I collapsed into a chair. I also may or may not have been in a comatose daze while trying to keep up with all the action going on. Betting on a horse race here and there while watching my parlay bets crumble on the big screens.

Pure Bliss.

Bloggers screaming for Too Drunk to Call and Mr. Otis, me getting shouted at by a be-thonged waitress for being too engrossed in the games, and finally taking a shot at the $25 Pai Gow tables (which didn’t work out too well). I pushed hard in those final hours but the house took the money, and Drizz went home only spending money on non-gambling things. Is a push considered a win in this case? I managed to gamble for four days straight yet the only money I spent was on the hotel, food, cab rides, and god knows how many tips.

Like the Aladdin tournament, I left Vegas in awe of this little community of bloggers and how open and welcoming they are. Going to Vegas with my wife is certain kind of fun but she doesn’t really drink nor gamble much, the WPBT crew brings the real Vegas out for me at least. Yeah, I did not partake in an adult entertainment, as I missed out on hitting up the strip clubs once again but I got to do everything else I wanted on the trip.Thanks again everyone, and can’t wait till next time.

Remember horse handicapping by the name of the equine is the nuts.

The infamous strip-wide wheelchair ride December 2006:

Friendship is what makes Vegas to me. Of course, I looked at the waitresses, and looked again, then one more time for good measure, but being around people with similar interest yet having totally different backgrounds is refreshing from a daily life that leans towards a gray-monotone background. That’s why I chop out enough money to fly around to WPBT-type events.That and the free wheelchair rides that you don’t recall rock as well. Can anyone fill in the blanks?


Since I spent most of Friday morning apologizing for the previous night’s journey to the drunken abyss, the silent treatment doled out by the spouse was deserved and earned ten times over. But, again I was bailed out by a little Daddy and Al tag team (and a $100 bribe) and she at least put on a happy face.The brunch at the Wynn was probably the best meal I’ve ever tasted outside of the really really good shrimp and hush puppies platter at Long John Silver’s about two years ago. Seriously, the teriyaki steak, Kobe beef meatballs (massaged cow!), brick oven pizza, and decadent vanilla ice cream to top it off was as a fine of a meal as this simpleton has ever had. While snarfing down as much eats as possible, Falstaff gave me a birthday present only a true Drizzt Do’Urden geek like myself could appreciate. The soft-spoken kilt-toting thespian was thoughtful enough to grab my favorite author for a signed copy of Homeland by R.A. Salvatore (picture of the book coming on Thursday with promised Christmas picks of the little ones for the gracious hostess of the Wynn brunch, thank you Gracie!). Yes, gay man hugs were given and the thoughtfulness of the gift from Menzoberranzan still gets me. Thank you sir and ma’am.

This was rock bottom personally, and the rise of the phoenix all wrap into the stale smoke filled air of the Imperial Palace and its peppy dealer-a-tainers. After this trip it solidified my friendships with those that can only be touched by typed words over a series of tubes, and with my wife. We finally got out all the things that we had bottled up like a shaken Coke and managed to re-find that friendship that started on an Anoka County Fair softball field nearly 10 years prior. No more drifting through the day, living was on the agenda again instead of just making sure the mortgage payment was mailed off on time. Hugs are daily, kisses mean something other then a fa├žade for the kids, and we enjoy beating each other in Guitar Hero (she scored a 100% on a song before I did damn it).

2 days, and like a couple of other guys… I’m already playing the penny Wheel of Fortune Big Spin while downing my usual cocktail.

Thanks for dropping by, now hop over to Mike’s site to place your bets on horses for the WPBT tourney. Here’s my stable:

Otis – Dark horse, is weak against gravity but strong against check-raises

Speaker - his hair would make the final table on its own, I hope what’s underneath it doesn’t screw it up.

Bobby Bracelet860th best poker player in the world? How many can make this claim except the 860th best poker player in the world? He might punch like 95 year old with a broken wrist, but the Bracelet has game and not just with the ladies.

Myself – I’ve made the final two tables in the last two WPBT live events I’ve played and with the game alternating between Chinese Poker, Rummikub and Euchre there’s no reason to doubt a top 4 finish.

Gracie – You look into those beautiful eyes and Cheshire Cat smile and call off those chips while she flips over yet another winner.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Hoy'd Again

Is there any Pats fans out there that felt good about that win?

Unlike the Pats, I didn't get several re-dos last night in the Hoy, as I ran my second decent hand of the night, Kings, into the hammer, with the only stack at the table that could really hurt after building a decent stack into the second hour.

Actually he had aces.

And they held up, as they should.

Its B.S. to trying to justify folding KK preflop in a 6-max tourney, maybe I felt Aces with the min re-raise, maybe I felt a stir after my wife gave me a birthday present that I'll get use out of, maybe there's life out there outside of planet Earth.

I don't have all the answers, but I do know that poker isn't really fun right now and that won't change until Friday.

3 days.

Monday, December 03, 2007

Commodore Casino

~ This is a paid advertisement ~

I like to gamble.

That is well known if you read here regularly. But, a source of gambling was cut off because of the UIGEA and my usual source of de-tilting slots and table games away from the Omaha tables was cut off.

While I’m still sitting behind the iron curtain of online gambling it doesn’t mean others can’t enjoy it. As I take a look at it has everything a slot junkie like me would love to play. There’s multi-reel games with the must have bonus rounds in all denominations that are unique from Commodore. They also carry a wide range of classic table games, just like being in Vegas right on the comfort of your couch if you enjoy playing from your laptop like many online players do.

Ever since my first trip to Grand Casino Hinckley when I turned 18, I’ve always enjoyed Virtual Horse Racing. While the real thing may hold an edge for the gritty handicapper, you can feel like your standing on the rail with Commodore’s 3D racing.

Also for the punters in Europe and Asia, Commodore will be launching a poker room soon. This of course is close to my heart as not having the ability to give away some British Pounds and Euros on the virtual felt when I play a game that’s more popular across the pond hurts the bankroll. Maybe the U.S. legislature will wise up soon and reconnect players who want to play at places like Commodore Casino.

If you are not from the US or Canada, take a spin on this link and download the casino to try it out for yourself!

A Little Give and Go

Besides the cold weather in these parts, a thawing happened over the weekend. No, it wasn’t the cards on the poker table as those continue to bend the long odds in the opposite direction of my chip stack. As I’ll tell you, I hate seeing friends get the short stick more, like getting Aces on two tables at the same time getting one cracked and one folded around to his big blind while short stacked in a tourney.

The warmth around the house didn’t come from the heating ducts, although with the 20 below wind chills, the Wii Guitar Hero controller would probably still be stuck to my hands and I have to type up my TPS reports with the whammy bar this morning.

No, the new car smell around the house is due to a grey cloud being lifted as normal conversations and laughs returned to our little plot of land near the highway. Despite a certain trip I will be indulging in the next four days (I have mentioned said trip right?) the family points have been stored up to enjoy the annual poker blogger journey guilt-free to the valley of sin and free drinks at the Pai Gow table being dealt by Svlanana the former star point guard for the Belarus Bobcats or Xi who moonlights as a hand model and has done commercials for Palmolive and Sonic Burgers.

Its funny how a little gloomy weather mixed in with the usual flow of life around the house can strike a wrong chord that gives off a fingernails-on-chalkboard tone. Up here you never get used to the weather; you just run to the nearest internet kiosk or laptop and bitch about it on your blog. To be fair I haven’t been a beacon of sunshine as my poker losings and general stress over the past month has felt about as comfortable as getting back splash while taking a dump after that second helping of kung po chicken and fried rice. That’s when you give yourself a time out like sending your kids to the couch or their rooms for refusing to eat that delicious casserole you made from the last cup of Bisquick, cream of mushroom soup, whipping cream and some mystery meat leftover from your Aunt Mary’s Thanksgiving Day feast.

My time out consist of girly chat boxes, NFL football in proud display on the television monitor, kids dreaming of investing the rest of my bankroll into Transformers and play kitchens with utensils in their beds, and a little poker of course. The poker wasn’t relaxing as Daddy suffered through those aces mentioned above, and the fruity Apricot Pyramid in my hand managed to revert me into a calling station except for a bubble finish on a token SnG when I got my money in good and the RNG at Full Tilt decided to punish me for gloating about the Vikings with a few 80/20 beats.

I didn’t mention the Vikes?

Yes Jim, I'm talking playoffs (don't look at the last few weeks of posts for my waffling).

I don’t know if the Raiders woke them up or that Lambeau bitch slap they got three weeks ago, but wow they’re looking good. The Vikes are not Cowboys or Packers good, but with Jackson moving when he should and not throwing like a Division 1-AA third stringer, this team is watchable. Purple Jesus regained his form and made a mockery out of some horrible tackling by the Lions, especially his touchdown run where the cornerback looked like he was try to tackle Barry Sanders’ ghost and got stood up like me one week before the senior prom (not that I’m bitter Cyndy!!!).

Happy family, happy Drizz, bankroll looking like it just spent two days in one of Jigsaw’s death traps. I’ll take plus family karma over winning a race with pocket tens any day.

Thanks for dropping by, now did my bad eyesight deceive me watching the Sean Taylor sound bite before the Skins/Buffalo highlights on Sportcenter, but did I see a laminated sign with “The Meast” Taylor on it? If so, props to the KissMeSuzy fans if they did it. Best sports parody site out there, go this second and read. Especially fellow Vikes fan BigDaddyDrew, the man is a genius.

Sunday, December 02, 2007

... And On the Third Week He Rose Again

Purple Jesus decided to come back this week in fulfillment of the scriptures. And carry the Vikings back into playoff contention.


Motor City Kitty brothers up for the usual $10 bet?

(please please please bet on them Bracelet) .

5 Days.

Saturday, December 01, 2007

Shoveling Snow Was Not On the Honey-Do List

This happy, one finger Minnesotan salute is brought to you from under the foot of snow we received today.

Please take me down to the paradise city where felt is green and the girls are pretty (and not wearing 5 layers of gore-tex).

5 days folks.

SKOL VIKES versus the Motor City Kitties!!!

Thursday, November 29, 2007

A Poke of Sunlight

I'm too wired about Vegas to write anything of substance right now. Or it could be the fact that the theory of inverse stupidity tournament play panned out yet again.

The Theorem rule is basically this...

If you want to bust out of a lower buy-in tourney to get some sleep due to life hitting you like the wind chill in Minnesota while crossing a darkened parking lot at 5:30am, you will suckout like a fluffer in a web cam gang bang.

After I took A8 (personally I call this "The Fat Tourist") with my micro stack against QQ and sucked out trip8s, I managed to chip up enough during the Omaha rounds of the Dookie to get to heads up with a fellow Cap'n Coke drunkard Hoy. Congrats to Hoy on taking care of that 750ml of Morgan and my weak play like a pro.

I'll be at the Mall of America this weekend for a little mini-vacation with the family. The waterpark/hotel two day stay was my penance to join you degenerates next week. Cheers.

8 days.

Edit: Fuck the NFL Network for monopolizing a very good football game tonight. Despite having a deep dislike for both teams, good football is good football and forcing me to go to a bar that will mostly likely contain 95% Farve Fanbois to view the contest is plain rude of them.

There better be 2 for 1s

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Jingle Bells, Batman Smells

Do these commericials on the radio and TV that use a popular holiday song and cleverly sprinkle in plugs for their products while retaining the melody of the jingle make you want to punch someone in the face?

I think I need an almond bark dipped pretzel and maybe some freshly made chex mix (not that pre made crap in a bag) to get this grinch into the holiday spirit.

Or maybe the itch for Vegas is blowing out to a full body rash.

9 Days.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Tomorrow Isn't Looking Good Either

Last night epitomized my journey through the wrong side of the percentages as I continued my 0 for Hoy streak to the point that I’m done donating money. I’m not a rebuy tournament player although I understand the basic strategies behind it, but with a month long losing streak my psyche wasn’t in the right place for dishing out more then the four buy ins I gave away after my flopped top two couldn't run down someone's higher kicker on the river.

To add insult to injury, I managed to bubble a Razz MTT after almost three hours when someone wouldn’t let go of his 9 doorcard versus my 8 on fifth street and managed a runner runner 6 low. Two negatives make a positive?

Kinda hard to write about poker when the negative results pile up, granted I did have a seven month win streak prior to this but when the other side of the coin comes and your ego dries up like Florida retiree’s skin just typing words feels like boulders resting on your fingertips. Good luck to those in the running for Oz, I wish you the best while I go back to more enjoyable activities like throwing myself off the roof of my house.


Monday, November 26, 2007

I'll Take the Green One in 34C Please

I heard a commercial where a jewelry store proclaimed to “double certify” their diamonds and other precious gems.

Does that mean the first certification isn’t reliable enough that they had to do it twice? Luckily I have a spouse that isn’t into jewelry, instead she managed to single handedly raise my company’s stock up three points over the weekend with her four foot long receipt from shopping on Friday.

If you have plan on attack on how to enter a Target store and only purchasing the items you wanted in the first place, my checking account balance would love to hear it.

Poker and I are not talking again; she’s being a bitch without her happy pills and constant backstabbing by sucking on the neck of that Abercrombie and Fitch model standing by the pull tab booth with a three umbrella Mai Tai in his hand. But, like the pussy whipped high school horndog with a three year old condom in my wallet I am, you’ll see me at the Hoy tonight staring at her boobs hoping she’ll dip down to pick up her purse for a nice view down her shirt. Do Victoria’s Secret salepersons do this on purpose? Seriously, while going in there with the wife and having Wyatt pick out a few boob holders for the wife (dark green and one with stars on it) four different salepersons made sure that their feminine bits were hanging out far enough that I thought about offering $40 for a two song dance. After shopping for six hours the peep show was a welcome sight but I got slapped after asking the sale associate to model the complimentary g-string my wife got.


I enjoyed the game.

I still don’t think the Vikes are going to the playoffs. The jury is still out on Jackson, but he earned some points by not looking like Richard Pryor in “The Toy” while in the pocket and/or deciding to run. Eli decided to give his brother a live tutorial on bad quartbacking against a weak pass defense. More consistency is needed before the Purple can return to being a playoff team again, so don't make Purple Jesus cry against the Lions this week.

Just because the Vikes have an outside shot of the playoffs should it change when the Divine One returns to the Metrodome turf? In my opinion, no, He should sit, get fully healthy then return to His glory between the white lines.


Friday, November 23, 2007

Merry Thanksgiving

Today I'm joining the masses with the boy to obtain a gift for the wife. My plan of attack against the swarm of housewives vying for that $2.99 57" Plasma HDTV and finding just the right present?

I'm going to have Wyatt point at something and that's what she's getting.

I think we'll start at Victoria's Secret.

Have a great weekend folks as the clock ticks further towards Vegas.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Who's The Real Donkey?

A man can fail many times, but he isn't a failure until he begins to blame
someone else.

-- John Burroughs

When your chip stack proclaims a fat zero dollars, euros, drachmas, or loonies what is your first thought?

“That donkey sucked out on me, this game is rigged so bad players keep winning!”

“WTF!! How could he call with that crap when he should have been thinking I had the flush that I represented!”

“Coin flip taken, coin flip lost, poker sucks”

Now look at each statement in a different way:

“Oh, it was only small percentage of his stack to call, and he had the chance to knock someone out with two cards that were likely live”

“Maybe I shouldn’t have tried to outplay him/her because “a move” is only as good as the other person holding cards”

“My stack was getting low and I took a chance that didn’t pan out where’s my new Cap’n Coke at?”

As I watched the running virtual spades drop last night I turned off the monitor, said my good nights and good lucks to Speaker who was motoring along in the 28K guarantee at Full Tilt as I busted somewhere in the 200s. Sure I had the opening raising small blind dominated with my QJs vs. his Q3s, sure I flopped a Jack to force running cards to beat me, but I didn’t place any blame. Maybe it’s the numbness after losing for a solid four weeks, or maybe I finally realized that instead of cursing the RNG for delivering the runner runner flush to the elephant, I could feel good about putting my money in good AND feel ok with his aggressive play that just got lucky.

I only had 8 BBs left behind and was ripe for someone to try to steal my blinds, but with QJs and hopefully live cards I was ready to push them in against any single raiser and no callers.

So, instead of tossing the cat towards Lake Superior and rambling off a tirade that would make George Carlin blush, I went to bed with the Mookie tonight on my mind because unfortunately I haven’t been playing in as many BBT2 events as I’ve wanted to. And I’d like to go to Australia.

See you tonight.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

WPBT: Five Points to Follow

WPBT notes because its like only 17 days away and some people haven't even been to Vegas before!!

First and foremost, unless you don't read blogs, Dr. Pauly's tips on surviving a weekend with the bloggers should be your first read before heading to the Imperial Palace Geisha Bar to meet your favorite scribes. Take special note of number two, do not attempt a re-creation of my strip-wide wheelchair ride. I had a personal reason for going on a bender like that, and it had nothing to do with my birthday (which falls on the Saturday while we're there again) or trying to keep up with Al.

Second, make sure you're following the skinny playwright in a plaid skirt blog. Latest update on the tourney pushed it back to 3pm with advice to drink heavily. I plan to follow the sage's words.

Third, check out the prop board at this golfing pro's site: Number #42 for StB is a sucker's bet, he'll clear that before the kickoff of the Cowboys game with ease. As for me and another wheelchair ride, I don't plan on it, but I didn't plan on riding a mechanical bull in Key West either.

Fourth, while you'll be surrounded by people you read everyday, free booze, and free porn slapping, make sure you take time to do a little "raging solo". I tend to do this at eight or so in the morning and get text messages from concerned bloggers like "Are you still alive dude?" since I rarely even visit the hotel room . Personally, I go grab a breakfast sandwich or buffet (MGM is awesome) then just railbird some gaming tables or take a walk down the strip in my shorts and t-shirt to point and laugh at those who are wearing snowsuits and mittens while hitting up the porn slappers for fresh off the press boobies.

Fifth, if you see this stare while you're looking at top pair top kicker (pic courtesy of Otis):

You're about to get check-raised for your stack. Fold.

Thanks for dropping by, now as I mentioned a need for the World Series of Pai Gow... Otis delievers. Get your bets and greyhounds ready!!!

Monday, November 19, 2007

It Tastes Like Unflavored Water

You heard it here first.

The Vikes are not going to the playoffs this year.

Shocking I know, and please put down all liquids before reading that or it may stain your computer monitor or make the keys on your laptop sticky.

The Purple won, but was it exciting? It felt like they took down a $1 SnG when your bankroll is in the thousands. Fun, yes, but did do anything to advance the team’s bottom line towards becoming a solid playoff team again? Not really, they beat a worse team at home while fumbling more times then your first attempt to hit on that hot blonde with the Cosmo in her finely manicured hand after getting your ass handed to you by your friends while playing $20 a game eight ball at the local Dave and Busters.

If you took Chester Taylor yesterday for your Fantasy Football Live team? Well done. My Purple Jesus glasses forgot that the front line has been dominating all year at home and you could put Ki-Jana Carter back there and he’d rack up 100+ and a touchdown at least. And for those who have prayed to the Enlightened One for fantasy glory… he’s running lightly again, and could be back next week (but in my opinion he shouldn’t come back all year).

Do you feel dirty if you had T.O. or Randy Moss in your FSL team yesterday? Or if you finally cashed after 10 weeks but LOST TO A GIRL?!?!? Sigh.

Ben Watson can kiss my frozen Nordic ass for his garbage TD which cost me the victory in a game that looked like the freshmen team taking on the varsity squad. Those Pats can play.

Due to sheer exhaustion, I bowed out of the Big Game last night with regrets for the great job this BBT2 series has been. Had it been a $10 buy in tourney I probably would play, but for “higher” stakes I want to bring my best game to the table and not waste $75 just for the sake of being there. I’ll return tonight to open shove my Aces five times in a row unless the malaise comes over me again.

Thanks for dropping by, now congrats to Jimmy Johnson for winning the NASCAR thingy!

He wins an almost year long competition worth millions and Sportscenter devotes an entire weekend to Barry Bonds while giving him a sound bite in between jacking off to Moss and T.O. this morning.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Things Not To Put On Your Dick: Part 2

While visiting a local Buffalo Wild Wings and my son enjoying the video game plastered right into the booth, we managed to have a meal together that didn't end with having to change anyone's clothes or apologize to the waitress for recreating the Normandy Invasion around the table using ketchup, spilled milk, and various bits of food that daughter deemed unworthy of digestion.

However, Wyatt had to use the restroom and after downing the gallon size pops you get dinner there (despite FREE REFILLS!) we all resigned to the bathroom.

Unfortunately for my lower region under my Cap'n Morgan boxers, I had used just a common napkin while extracting the unholiness hotness from my fingers that is injected into those "Blazin" wings and as I gave it a last shake the burn came on. I was left to suck it up as rinsing my dick off in the sink may have attracted unwanted male attention (not that there's anything wrong with that), not to mention explaining to my son why his father looked like Lucas after putting on the loaded jock strap without a bird bath nearby to put out the flame.

I think I have issues.

Have a good weekend folks, and good luck to those shooting for the big bucks in the FTOPS tourneys!

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Away Game

Drizz will be attending a home game tomorrow that doesn't include the groomsmen from his wedding, degnerate gamblers who type letters on the internets and make prop bets on who gets up from a recliner first and whether not you can get fat, nor are they going to be related to myself.

It is in the ghetto (anywhere with Minneapolis in the address) so I'll be holstering my father Marine issued sidearm while welding my trusty softball bat in my right hand to bludgeon that potential bad man in the polo shirt with a little alligator on it into a pool of his own life blood should he break my 100 foot radius personal bubble.

Wish me luck.

Tonight, we'll bring sexy back to poker as its drunken poker night and time for me to attempt again to play tournament poker for an evening and push AQs into QQ because I totally rule at the pokers! The Cap'n Cokes will be tasty and hopefully I can make some money back making last longer bets with Speaker.

22 days till Vegas kids.

Open Question:

Is there a chance for the World Series of Pai Gow to happen? I suggest the Gold Coast (I miss the ice queen of a pit boss from there and I'm sure she hasn't been able to cope with life after I left).

Just a thought. Or we could make prop bets on who will pass out prior to putting their room key in the appropriate slot.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Just Because Its There

How to defeat tilt:

Helicopter fun!

Watch a Pug spin around like a blender

Don't play poker

Kick some monster's ass

Stop staring at the calendar with December 7th circled. 23 Days.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Learning To Walk Again

“Daddy, my left skate is a little loose”

Since I’ve recovered from my accident a lot of things have taken a different flavor in life. Coming to work is no longer a chore, but an opportunity. Being married is having a friend around, instead of someone to argue about the bills with. Having kids is a blessing and seeing them learn via mistakes and asking questions, is a funny live daily Improv show versus a burden.

Nothing however could help the flavor of this hot chocolate that plopped out of the vending machine. The smell of an ice arena is mixed between a crisp Northern Minnesota morning in November sitting on a wooden deck that is overseeing a lake with a sunrise peaking through the tall pines and that last trip to the compost site where you took that month old bag of wet grass, cursing your luck for throwing scissors with your spouse on who got the honor of dropping the clippings off.

The chatter of future hurried hockey moms and dads assembled their three and four year olds to give their kids a first taste of gliding on frozen water. Not yet do the parents display three buttons of kids with fake smiles in jerseys sponsored by Dave’s Sport Shop and Osseo Meats. Nor do they feel the wallet or purse pinching ways of thousands of dollars in shoulder pads, shin pads, breezers, and traveling hockey fees. Today wasn’t about competition on who’s kid could race through a slalom of orange cones the fastest or dribble a puck around the kid who got stuck playing goalie (my apologies to goalies out there but did you really pick that position when you were five???).

I stepped off the sport court designed to act as blade protectors and shuffled the boy onto the ice and into the arms of some PVC pipe contraption that acted as an on-ice walker. He waved back cautiously before high stepping out to the fairly attractive figure skating instructor with teased long blonde hair who was surrounded by various high school assistants that managed to stay upright on two skates without assistance. I remember using an upside down garbage can and my father’s constant sighs as crutches while picking myself off of the outdoor rinks which gave an incentive to stay as dry as possible or suffer a chill equal to seeing your parents hold up your copy of Big Busty Bangaroo 16.

Flashbacks of days leaping over the boards to join the fray and absorbing another hip check from some defensive dickhead who didn’t get enough motherly attention and felt that a 120 pound beanpole was a great target for humiliation of having his skates point towards the tin roof while in midair. Most nights my revenge was to put up a goal or shuffle off a pass to a breaking winger after cutting behind the net and hitting them in stride. Luckily my son won’t have to deal with a different sort of hurt between the blue lines. The pain of not hearing a whistle after the play has been blown dead. Sitting in the penalty box while listening to my coach/father explain to the stripped gentlemen that his son was not acting in malice as he took off on a breakaway after everyone else gave up, are memories I choose to bottle up.

Nowadays they have organizations for hearing impaired players, back then it was a two ton brick of embarrassment to go along with the other fights to figure out what life was all about growing up. Luckily my kids got my wife’s ears, and with a little more luck they’ll get their dad’s stick handling skillz and sense of the ice. I never wore my glasses while playing either making me the Helen Keller of hockey using blurred outlines of colors and faint sounds to make my decision to pass or cut around a defenseman.

Taking off his plastic skates, I’m seeing a need for new ones as the blades resemble the body of a 55’ Chevy truck that hasn’t seen action since Marty McFly almost kissed his mom. The red indents from the helmet and sweat on his forehead say all the words I need to see as I offer a box of popcorn to him from the concession stand that now serves “gourmet” coffee and full five course steak dinners.

“I had fun Daddy”

“So did I” as I try to hold back a tear or seven.

Thanks for dropping by, now let us pray to Purple Jesus on a speedy recovery.


Monday, November 12, 2007

Knowing When To Quit

You done yet?
We need to go read Truckin'

You know the time, you look at your stack or what's left of it after the money went into the middle and you're a significant favorite to win and don't. Then you make the decision, or let the anger do it for you, and continue to play with the calmness of a Key West Afternoon Shift Stripper trying to pay her gas bill twenty bucks a dance through the recently retired accountant.

Read Truckin' while I go wallow in pre-Vegas tilt as the minutes tick away with the slowness of the timepieces in "3 O'clock High"

Truckin' - November 2007, Vol. 6, Issue 11

And we're back...

1. Existentialist Conversations with Strippers: The Afternoon Shift by Paul McGuire

The club was just the type of seedy place where you might find William Kennedy Smith or any other soused heirs to the Kennedy name, knocking back cheap scotch at 3 pm while aggressively fondling the sketchy girls with visible c-section scars and multiple fresh bruises all over their cracked-out bodies.... More

2. Lonesome Cowboy Bill by AlCantHang My comfort zone is a dive rock club where I can chain smoke, power drink, and have my head assaulted with decibels equivalent to a jumbo jet taking off. The next step down the ladder would be the pubs and bars the exist for sole purpose of its patrons getting blitzed on various hardcore drinks. Then comes the sports bars, strip clubs, snooty yuppie bars, and hotel watering holes. Near the very bottom would generally be any place that plays country music... More

3. Seven Minutes with Olga by Change100 Olga led me all the way to the back and sat me down. She took her top off and grabbed my hands, placing them on her very soft, very real breasts... More

4. The Sleep Deprived Memoirs of I by Sigge S. Amdal I might as well go to sleep, I thought. And I thought about sleeping forever, the eternal sleep, and how it could feel – was it cold or was it cozy – had it not been for facts contesting life after death in terms of subjectively sensory experience... More

5. Their Father's Love by Sean A. Donahue

Tying to explain the differences and the complaints of a failed marriage is too complicated for a four-year old to understand. I think I heard the phrase, "But why daddy?" more than I ever thought I could. But it wasn't my kids' fault... More

What a Long Strange Trip It's Been...
From the Editor's Laptop: Welcome to the November issue Truckin' which contain 60% Key West themed short stories. I lead off the issue with another Key West installment of Existentialist Conversations with Strippers. AlCantHang is in the lineup this month with his own soused tale of debauchery during our sojourn to Key West. And don't forget to read Change100's piece where she described a wild night at one of the Key West strip clubs. Everyone's favorite Norwegian writer, Sigge S. Amdal, is back with another stellar submission and Sean A. Donahue returns with a tender piece about family and distance.

If you like these stories, then please tell your friends about your favorite stories. It takes a few seconds to pass along Truckin'. The writers certainly appreciate your support. Feel free to shoot me an e-mail if you know anyone who is interested in being added to the mailing list.Thanks to all of the writers who exposed their souls to the world, and did it for free. All of you inspire me and I'm admire your bravery and taking that leap of faith with me.Thanks again to everyone for wasting your precious time month after month with Truckin' and for your continuous support. Until next time.


"Being a writer is like being a psychoanalyst, but you don't get any patients." - Al Alvarez

Sunday, November 11, 2007

I Plead No Contest

BobbyBracelet owes me big.

Congrats to the Packers, well-rounded game, Farve kicked ass, hat tips to all.

And I blame the Bracelet for the loss, and if Purple Jesus just got hurt, I will be bring my 28 oz. Tech Fire to Vegas and going all Jeff Gillooly on his ass.

Good luck to the cheeseheads on their season, except the dickhead who clip tackled PJ. He should rot in hell.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Drunk Poker Sucks When You Sober Up

You go out, have a good time, drink a little too much and whilst getting home the sirens of wrap draws and suckouts call your name.

Those sirens can firmly stick their thumbs up their asses next time. What was a fun little $5 knockout tourney at Full Tilt has turned into a four hour mess of falling asleep every other minute and torn between donking out for a happy meal profit, or playing my usual crap tourney game.

For now I'm choosing crap and Roxette's "Joyride" on loop. She says: Hello you fool I loooooooooooove you!

Of course she does when you fuckin give her free reign at Home Depot when agreeing to a new kitchen design. Any chance for take-backs?

Thursday, November 08, 2007

If You Go Deep and Don't Cash Did You Even Play?

I think I need work on avoiding the one big hand prior to the bubble after being four of the money in the Moooooooookie and 10 off the money in a smallish $5 MTT where I stole for 45 minutes straight with my short stack (6BBs) before the hyper-big stack had enough and called my ATs push with the all powerful 43o.

Well played sir.

More points for the BBT2, but damn it sucks to be bubbling so close to the money this many times. Last night I just ran face first into Aces thinking it was a late position steal, a flopped sets of jacks gave me hope but with 9 to K straight on the board IGHN .

I r smrt pkr playa.

Starting QB for the Vikes gets announced today, does seem wrong that I hope the backup gets the start? I'd rather not have to succumb to wearing Packer gear at the IP/Mandalay Bay sportsbook next month.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Did Shula Celebrate a Patriots Loss Too Early?

The excitement is building, the Packers should be shaking after today's announcement...


Ok, anyone else have something midly amusing to say? Maybe they should have signed Ty instead? Is Jeff George still available? Why did I leave it on the soft rock station after switching cars with the wife, and sadly enjoyed Air Supply a little bit too much that the midly attractive chick in the Audi looked on in disgust at the stop light?

Maybe make fun of Don Shula's remarks about the asterisk because of the Patriots' "SpyGate" thingy?

I think maybe Shula popped the cork a little too early this year.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Could Someone Kindly Remove the Lure from the Packer Fans?

At least the press can get one thing right:

St. Paul, Minnesota is the number one place to come to for hockey. Damn straight.

If you're a hockey fan, there's no better place to come to then "The X" for game and the bars surrounding the place (since every ticket is sold out for the rest of the season that's probably where you're going to watch it from).

As for the recent rash of underground poker games being robbed and a very unfortunate death, I wish lawmakers would see it as an opportunity to improve security of these games, but most likely the bible thumpers will dance them to a different groove towards BAN BAN BAN ITS EVIL!!!!!1111oneoneone

No soapbox for me as I gear up for a week of Packer - Viking smack talk at and some Packer fans here that seem to have a super-sized shad rap stuck in mouths. Yes, little fishies it will all be over soon....

Monday, November 05, 2007

Tomlinson Who?

While Red Soxs fans corner the market on biggest annoyance outside of taking a 20 minute dump and realizing you have no toilet paper. Packer fans can be found slurping turpentine out of a Big Gulp mug behind the nearest 7-11 while jacking off to pictures of Farve’s Wranglers ads in Bow Hunter and Muzzleloaders Monthly could be coined as a close second.

I respect Packer fans unlike those who root on some team that willingly throws money at whomever they want, despite being a die hard Vikings fan and born to hate those in the green and gold. The Packer have grit, they play hard despite having one star on the team who WILL be found sucking on Pat Williams’ anus after big Pat clubs him to the Lambeau turf hard enough to imprint the yardage stripes on his back on Sunday.

Next week you get the honor of hosting Purple Jesus. Yes, He will come to your field and grace you with His glory and show just why He has returned to Earth to don shoulder pads and punish those who stand in His way of the endzone.


Sunday, November 04, 2007

I Would Gladly Pay You Tuesday for a Vikings Victory Today

Oatmeal stout in hand.

Vikes leading into the 4th quarter.

Rivers looking like a Vikings quarterback.

Could Childress hold on to his job for one more week?

I know this girl isn't betting on it.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Missed It By That Much

13th, 15th, and tonight... 4th (yes Don I misplayed that blind hand, I know).

Does it get me some player of the week love since I'm not going to Oz?

Sadly no. I cracked Aces on the way to the final table so I can't hang my head too far except for a poorly played blind vs. blind battle.

Weekend will be time to recharge from all these late nights and wicked cash game sessions.

Gash Needs Peppermint Lotion ASAP

Should you feel bad about losing to a suckout late in a tournament if you benefited from one earlier?

Now put yourself into my shoes, a player who is experiencing a month long bankroll and psyche beating worthy of a death trap in a "Saw" sequel. You know the pain is coming, but you don’t know from where, and most likely the pain is going to be self-inflicted by making a wrong choice (the scene with the Latina girl putting her hands into the box with the antidode in it and the shards of metal not letting her hands out in Saw 2? Genius). But, what if you make the right choices and come out with the wrong result; can you pour over the hand histories and forget that bottom cash you took because the board didn’t play out in your favor?

Or would it bother you that you took that coin flip at the right time after two or three hours of play, or made the right steal attempt against the right player at the right time and they just happen to catch cards. No one can claim a perfect read on this game at all times, but people can use misdirection, overbets, and assortment of “plays” to give themselves more lottery tickets to win a tournament or even come out ahead after a session at the cash games.

A percentage to win doesn’t just include the cards in front you, but the play that can surround those cards. If you can make your opponent fold more often then not, then your winning percentage with any two cards for that hand goes up. Fold equity isn’t a new concept if you’ve read a few books which most people who stroll by here have. If you can get a person who normally wouldn’t call you with a inferior hand, the EV of your hand goes up beyond the percentage given if the cards were to go to showdown. Value betting isn’t a new concept either, but it does shine some light for someone like myself who is struggling with results lately.

With the exception of a misplayed KK last night, I felt I got the results I wanted but fell short when I four outer hit the river last night. Moral victory I guess, but moral victories don’t get an interview with Mookie nor do they put you on the next flight to Australia.

Tonight Riverchasers, make em’ proud bloggers with another triple digit showing as I’ll waffle on whether or not I play since two deepish finishes this week, plus a final table tonight might net me player of the week. Good luck to all if I’m not there as I’d rather be swatting at softballs then staying up until midnight to win ten shiny American cents after three hours of poker.
Maybe a dial-a-shot would extract the brilo pad stuck in my vagina tonight.

Yes, the ball left the yard... well at least the infield

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Wanted: An Intelligent Thought

Battle of the Bloggers rolls on tonight, as I'm trying not to become the guy who gets points but no mobneys.

Be there, and bring your D game as I'd like to break the spell of getting beat at the wire. Tonight is the Mookie, be sure to look for Mookie himself to be giving away the easiest bounty in poker if (when) you knock him out.

Since I'm void of thought, I'm filling out a meme this morning because talking about beating "One" on the easy level of Guitar Hero III isn't compelling nor does it capitivate an audience to witness my gnarly mad ax skillz.

4 Jobs I've Held:
Trailer unloader (word to the wise... never be upwind from the fan when there's a 6'8" semi-retarded guy who forgets to wipe his ass in the middle of the summer)
General Food Technician at Jack in the Box (lasted two weeks, coffee making is tuff!)
Recoveries Collector

4 Films I Can Watch Over and Over:
Ferris Bueller's Day Off
Any Bourne movie

4 TV Shows I Watch
Kids Nation
High Stakes Poker
Wheel of Fortune

4 Places I've Lived:
Ramsey, Minnesota
Maple Grove, Minnesota
Scottsdale, Arizona
Robinsdale, Minnesota (yes my roots aren't going anywhere)

4 of My Favorite Books:
The Stand
The Dark Elf Triology
Act of Treason
Nintendo's Guide to Pokemon

4 Websites I Visit Daily:

4 Favorite Colors:
Midnight Blue
Navy Blue

4 Places I'd Like to Be Right Now:
The five seat at the MGM Grand poker room in Las Vegas, NV
First hole of a golf course in Myrtle Beach, SC
On Lake Vermillion near Ely, MN catching some bottle bass from the cooler
At home with the kids jumping on me

4 Names I Like But Wouldn't Name Kids

4 Favorite Foods:
Tortellini with Alfredo and Pesto sauce
Bacon Cheeseburger with pepperjack cheese
Cheese Curds
Southern Fried Chicken

See you tonight folks.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Tilt Sphere Complete

Worse month since the dust bowl days nearly two years ago have me wondering where my tin foil is stored. If it wasn’t for the Battle of the Blogger tournaments and supporting its cause, I wouldn’t even power up my laptop at night. The temptation is there in the evening behind every cash game table, watching people chase horrible odds and unfortunately I just happen to be on the other side of the cards when Stanford beats USC.

Three tourneys, three non-cashes, three different ways of going out:

Isolate raise to a monster behind. This one really makes you wonder if the missus put some crack cocaine into the meatloaf for dinner. You feel awesomely stupid, and think “hmmmm, breathing is fun, why don’t I try mastering that before moving on to more complicated things like busting out on the bubble with an average stack on a mediocre hand and playing "Welcome to the Jungle" using the expert difficulty on Guitar Hero III”.

The coinflip. This one I had no control over, shouldn’t be mad about the play since I was low on chips and needed them to battle Lucko who was playing a very good aggressive game and would eventually go on to win.

The “any two cards” close to the final table. I just didn’t get lucky on the good end of a 65/35 flip preflop but combined with another losing night at the cash game tables put the final dagger into my trilogy of tilt. So close again, but Oz will have to wait as I’m starting to take poker too seriously again which exactly the opposite of what started almost a year long monthly winning streak. Having fun while watching the digital cards spread across the Full Tilt or PokerStars felt with Jenna Jamison in the background, freed something in my “game” and winning followed.

Thanks for dropping by, now when you watch football on the weekends do you leave the sound on? Are there ANY TV announcers that don’t make your ear drums crawl out of the canal and slap you for forcing Madden upon them? In Minnesota you should be listening to Paul Allen (P.A.) on KFAN. Likely, most of you do the same as radio announcers are 100X better then the Fox/CBS stooges sucking off Brady, Manning, and Farve even if they're not in the game you're watching.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Rage Against the Sox

The headline on Yahoo this morning:

Red Sox sweep Rockies in a DRAMATIC Game 4.

What is so dramatic about a sweep?

If you were watching this game in the first place instead of Family Guy or Bourne Ultimatum (which must be viewed every time its on despite seeing it 20+ times), you are one of the following:

a) A true baseball fan, you have Peter Gammons on tape reading the Sabermetric Baseball Encyclopedia to rock you to sleep after a marathon twelve and half hour strat-o-matic seven game playoff pitting the ’27 Yankees versus ’89 Oakland A’s, and you were writing the box score down while the Soxs and Roxs game was going on while eating a malt cup, drinking a tall glass of flat 3.2 beer, and hot dog while wearing your Sid Fernandez throw back jersey that still had tears on it from the Mets collapsing this year like Lindsay Lohan’s dress on a pole at a Vegas nightclub after too many vodka and RedBulls.

b) You had money wagered on the game, meaning you cursed that catch at the wall hoping the game would break the over/under. Or you signed up for a tournament at Fantasy Sports Live and took my money again. Bastards.

c) You’re a Boston sports fan who didn’t spank himself to sleep enough after Tom Brady pushed his “I-win” button once again and made an NFL game look like Michigan versus Appalachian State at Michigan err…. Weber State versus Ohio State? 52-7 versus a team with a shot at the playoffs? Sick.

Congrats Red Sox, you keep the Yankees’ hopes alive that money can still buy a championship.

Poker was put away for the weekend because the cycle of refueling from a series of missed flips and “bad beats” required a cooling off period. One exception was the freeroll (AJ is gold versus my QQ, standard), and after having a few choice words outside of the chat box for the cat avatar, I turned my attention to football again.

I would say something about the Vikings but they seem to be on a looping tape. All seven games this year have gone like this (except the Bears game which gave Vikes fans some false hope):

Starting drive, march down the field for a score ala Patriots but not as flashy

Proceed to cause fans to shout at the TV/radio/field (if at home) as to why the fuck Chester Taylor is getting the ball as much as Purple Jesus

Shout at quarterback for having the accuracy of a punch drunk Michael Spinks after one round with Tyson

Lose by one touchdown or less because the offense couldn’t get it done in the final quarter

The weekend did have a silver lining.

I got this Sunday morning because the Target ad had it on the front:

Who’s got game enough to take me on Guitar Hero 3 (Wii of course), I finished three songs on Easy last night! Tom Morello said I rocked!

Thanks for dropping by, now click here (with your speakers up and morning coffee in hand) and find the little man hiding for a prize.




Blogger Battle.

Be there.

Friday, October 26, 2007

Push From Behind

Where were this chick's prayers when I needed them tonight????

Why do women need to be cryptic about what they want? Maybe spell it out on a sign for us?

Any yes, pocket aces do still turn on the ladies.

And when trying to bluff, using this shirt to announce the strength of your hand may be counter-productive. And you should be called out for taking extra packets of ketchup home from your job as the mayo spreader at Wendy's.

(the above links may be slightly NSFW)

Another disasterous night on the felt with only one cash in 6 tourneys. If anyone sees my luck floating in a Cap'n Coke nearby please ship it back to the North Star state. I do miss it like car sex and 16 hour mid-week naps.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Mookie Bubbles and Troubles

I will not make level 20 plays on the bubble of a tournament.

I will not make level 20 plays on the bubble of a tournament.

I will not make level 20 plays on the bubble of a tournament.

I will not make level 20 plays on the bubble of a tournament.

I will not make level 20 plays on the bubble of a tournament.

If you're looking for poker advice, Al is here to assist. I'm currently on mega tilt and can't even see straight due to a mix of my bad play (see above), and more beats in the cash games.

If you see me at the Riverchasers tourney tonight I will be drinking, most likely heavily, and tilting about the cashout curse that has kicked me in the junk for the past week.

At least I'll have funds for the Pai Gow bonus circle and a decent cigar this time in Vegas.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Absolute Parting Gift

As if they haven't stolen enough of my poker dollars, I went to cash out of Absolute Poker last week despite the very small chance I'd ever play stakes high enough for people to care about using "superaccounts" at.

(from the website)

All withdrawals will be processed within 48 hours from the time of your request. There is a standard fee of $8 for regular checks per mail. Checks sent via regular mail may take up to 15 business days.


I've cashed out a few times from PokerStars and Full Tilt with no fee being attached but a company that is embattled with the worse case of insider collusion in online poker decides my small withdrawl should take an overpriced Cap'n Coke at a local sports bar hit because they need more money?

Absolute Poker. This is for you.

See Ya, Wouldn't Wanna Be Ya