Monday, June 30, 2008

You're Not in Kansas Anymore

If you had bet me 3:1 last night that Kevin Slowey would have more strikeouts then Sheets in the Brewers/Twins game, I still wouldn't have given action. Something in water down at the Homerdome? But getting a few bucks out of StB never sucks :)

And its not just the Twins, it seems like the whole AL Central is finally waking up to their preseason predictions of being the strongest division out there. Retorts from the great baseball minds?

Free money at Stars is there if you want it. Some bloggers and readers alike may not know about it, but the Turbo Takedown which only cost frequenty player points to enter has a prize pool of $1,000,000. The winner last night took home nearly the same amount as the Sunday Million winner, not bad for a freeroll. And if you're into SnGs, it doesn't matter how high you play because the Battle of the Planets contest for putting together a good run in a block of 20 or 100 SnGs from the micro stakes to the $5,000 head-ups swinging dick level, could net you the $12,500 they gave to first place in the $50,000 freeroll for the ~450 weekly winners.

On a similar note: I really enjoy those write ups, but feel like I suddenly put on regular boxers after wearing boxer briefs for a month. My balls are swinging around too freely and it doesn't feel snug when I'm writing. If there's something my dear friends you'd like to see more of (or less of) in these writeups, please hammer away.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Kat (and Jo) Dragged Me In

I flopped a Royal in a PLO8 cash game and got paid $2.

I played a $1 rebuy tourney and got this:

Friday, June 27, 2008

U.S. Women Open at Interlachen

My wife snagged me a couple of tickets for the U.S. Open at Christmas and today was the today to cash it in since Sunday has me behind the computer and Saturday in the batter's box.

Here are some numbers:

15,000+ - Minnesotans running abOOt the hallowed ground of Interlachen Country Club

15 - American dollars for two hot dogs and some chips

-1 - Annika Sorenstam's score after a 67 today, of which I watched her absolutely nut a fairway wood on a Par-5 within 15 feet to putt for eagle

1 - Women who looked like a Joey Ramone months from death

3:2 - Ratio of shorts to skirts (but no panty shots when looking over a 25 foot double-bending putt)

13 - Number of feet I came from winning a closest-to-the-pin contest in the Lexus corporate tent, winner got an all-expense paid trip for two to next year's U.S. Open. Next time, need more backspin

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Nature or Nutured Degeneracy

I've been reading Pauly's excellent stories about Eskimo, Flack, and Vinh and a clouded thought came to mind:

Were they once upstanding married fathers who changed diapers, went to the T-ball games, and help the wife with chores around the house? Suddenly some degenerate gene inside their bodies mutated enough to turn them to the alternate universe of gambling/party-like-a-rock-star?

Many times after staring down the rank three month old garbage smelling load my daughter left in her diaper or another cold shoulder from the wife, I wonder how much easier it would be to give up the picket fence, three bedrooms, and quiet lifestyle of a suburban dad to chase a lifestyle that offers no apologies but comes with no rules, no guidelines, no responsiblities.

For now my love for the kids and the wife keep the gambler inside low enough so I'm plunking around on $50 to $100 tables on Full Tilt and Stars while enjoying a new found love for reporting on Poker.

The question remains, what if something snapped and I end up wheelchair drunk playing $2 blackjack at the Plaza at night after chasing down O8 games with the AARP set during the day on the strip?

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Waffle House Dreaming

The beach isn’t for me personally. Sure you could wax poetic about the footprints in the sand having its own lifeline of memories until the tide comes in to erase the slate and start anew every morning. Enjoying the gently rising sun with a wind skipping off the tops of the waves, it was a hangover cure that no perfectly mixed Bloody Mary or pills found at the gas station cash register could match.

But, with my Nordic complexion the sun beats down on me like a nagging wife after too many beers with the softball team. My vacation started with a tree-lined drive to Columbia to meet up with old friends. These friends are not ones that are seen every weekend on the golf course or over at Mama G’s to play some volleyball and swap kids stories with their pitcher drink specials on the patio. Internet relationships are kept via blogs and girly IMs being passed out while firing up some virtual poker or banging away a post to fund the next Vegas trip. Big Pirate was well, big, and flagging me down in front his law firm’s blue painted office that more sense then the blue tinted 84 Lumber yard unless his specialty was lumberjack litigation.

A drive with a couple of co-workers found us on the countryside in front of a older, but well-kept restaurant for some real South Carolina BBQ that this yankee had expressed an interest in. Had I been smart and quicker, one of those squirt bottles of BBQ sauce would have made it into my Full Tilt luggage bag as a souvenir. Best. Damn. Pork. Ever. Every piece soft, juicy, and the spicy mix of hot sauce with the yellow BBQ sauce made my tongue dance. Throw in the small town hospitality of the owner chatting it up and the waitress making sure we were stuffed with the sweetest, best tasting liquid that this normal Lipton green tea drinker ever had, made the experience complete.

Back on the road after moving my belt buckle up a notch, it was time for a Columbia history tour courtesy of the Big Pirate before heading up the highway to invade G-Vegas. The Mexican restaurant sat up top looking down on the motorist going by while the glasses of Otis, G-Rob, and Badblood were in various stages of being refilled as we stepped onto the porch area to relax with a few cocktails before heading over to the host’s home for poker.

“How much money did you bring?” stated the chrome-domed recent winner of many play money chips on Stars.

With that and the addition of Shep and TeamScottSmith, we started the detour-dotted road towards casa del Blood for poker and a prop bet game called “Drizz shut the fuck up”. Classic rock on the Comcast network should have been up my wheelhouse to pick a band that would display their air guitars and bad hair for $5 a song from everyone, $10 if you picked the song as well. But, my choice of KISS and Gene Simmons didn’t manage to bang through the beautiful new TV the host had set up in his living room through the entire night making that the most expensive part of the trip.

A skinny kid in a SnailTrax shirt bellied upto the wonderfully crafted poker table and we were set for a night of card and sarcasm slinging. The poker game doesn’t need the full rehash as the host was most kind in starting me off with a perfectly mixed martini, followed by a bottle of Captain Morgan Silver that I believe I put a decent sized dent into while chipping up via suckouts. After which Otis asked me if I was having a good time due to the ill-gotten gains, but the chips in front of me didn’t have a meaning. I was more focused on seeing people I’ve met thru this space on the internet, and amazed how easy the slipper of friendship was to put on.

Granted ending up a winner for the evening didn’t suck, but I was more focused on enjoy the time even if it got a little fuzzy when the game broke and Big Pirate, Shep, and Scott hauled my rum soaked ass over to the Waffle House for some sobering food and chat (yes Shep, next on my list for a South Carolina trip is to try grits for the first time). Being served by a burnt out looking Michele Pfeiffer with a tattoo on her forearm and a largely-chested female showing ravine-like cleavage in the booth next to me with some tasty vittles of breakfast food topped off what I deemed “my vacation”.

I had a great time with the kids (minus the plane flights from hell), enjoyed the company of my wife, but the few hours I was able to spend with those I’ve met through this page will remain my best memories of the trip.


Monday, June 23, 2008

Two Hours of Sleep Means You Get This

Parenting advice #415:

If the cough syrup doesn't work on the two year old for the plane flight, you're in for a world of hurt.

Be back tomorrow with Southern Hospitality that blew my mind and trying to keep my shit together in light of my darling two year old while on the both plane rides practicing her corner kicks on my leg, the seat in front her, the little air blowy thing, the DVD player, the old crabby guy wanking off to the newest edition of People magazine.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Observations From the Beach: Part 2

- No lights on the beach after 10pm because of Sea Turtles?!?!?! This seriously limited the ability to join in the 20-something party house down the street for naked beer pong competitions

- Heat + Kids + Shopping at the Chareleston Market Square = pain of a jellyfish shocking my nads

- Wife asks if I'd like to drink with her, wife has drink, wife goes to bed after one drink, why does wife bother starting up the drinking to stop at one while on vacation when I was ready to crash without cracking open my handle of Cap'n this evening?

- G-Vegas T-minus 8 hours, BadBlood sounds well prepared, I'm psyched, I probably won't leave with much of my "bankroll" after the Grey Goose martini's start flow however


That is all, and seriously Sea Turtles = $1,080 fine for lights being on. W-T-F Announces Pokerspace Crew Cup Competition

Free Cardplayer poker cruises for small buy-ins, time to buckle down again for some excellent prizes out there from, details below:

No limit Hold’em poker, weekly small buy-ins, countless freerolls, spirited teams, top notch lessons, amazing prizes, and a dash of friendly rivalry. Only at Pokerspace will you find teams competing against each other in poker to win the Pokerspace Crew Cup!

The first to devise the idea of a Poker Crew competition, Pokerspace gives users a chance to form teams of up to 6 members and compete against each other. Users earn points for their teams, and through various tournaments can qualify to enter the Crew Cup Final. In a final tournament for all the qualifiers, the Crew that dominates will win the final prize. The latest competition successfully ended in June, sending six users on a $25,000 trip to Vegas to play in the 2008 WSOP.

With the completion of our first Crew Competition, it’s time to announce the latest Crew Cup contest. Hosted by Card Player Cruises, Carbon Poker, and Pokerspace, it will kick off July 2nd run until September 27th. The Crew Cup Final for qualifiers will take place on October 12th.

The crews will be battling for 6 all expenses paid trips aboard Card Players Cruises’ 7 night Mexican Riviera Cruise. Starting in San Diego, the cruise will visit hotspots like Cabo San Lucas, Mazatlan, and Puerto Vallarta in Mexico and offer several different tours. Possible excursions include dolphin encounters, horseback riding, sport fishing, and city tours. While not only offering your standard cruise trips and amenities, Card Player Cruises features a professional, fully staffed poker room open for the duration of the trip.

Check out for more details, and the chance to win the trip of a lifetime!

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Observations From the Beach: Part 1

It is quite warm here.

Today's activities:

- Staring at women wearing bikinis in the manner they were built for.
- Possible heatstroke from golfing while double fisting Yuenglings (damn this is still tasty beer).
- Taking the kiddies to Charleston to the water fountain park and buy tourist stuff.
- Not missing the final cup while playing beer pong and getting laughed at for my on-key replay of "Hott in Herre" complete with white-boy moves that McLovin wish he had.
- Purchasing a cigar or three and enjoying them when the sun decides that turning my skin from arctic white to paddled ass red isn't fun anymore.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Head or Gut?

If you had to choose between:

Arguing with your wife for five minutes and arguing with a two year old for the same amount of time, which would you pick (neither is not an option)

Anyone played one of these super turbo SnGs at Full Tilt? It beats out NLO8 as the new slot machine of poker.

Hope everyone had a safe blogger trip to Vegas, and those in a working capacity at the WSOP a hope for pictures of Kristy Gazes by the pool :)

Thursday, June 12, 2008

The Worst Golfing Day Beats the Best Day at the Office

Staring at the clock for vacation officially starts... now.

If you want to get a hold of me next week I'll be here.

Doing this. And this. And getting this while here.

Next Friday I hope to be here, with these guys taking a bunch of these.

See you on the other side.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

That Left a Mark
pokenum -h kd kh - 8h td
Holdem Hi: 1712304 enumerated
boardscards win %win lose %lose tie %tie EV
Kd Kh 1433301 83.71 271527 15.86 7476 0.44 0.839
Td 8h 271527 15.86 1433301 83.71 7476 0.44 0.161

Out 8th in the Bodonkey. Hope the blogger who won goes far the ME, I'm a little numb at the moment.

Bodoggie and Orange BBQ Mix Just Fine

Whether you placed 1st or 18th doesn't matter tonight.

Bodoggie. 1 WSOP Main Event package. Let's play.

Saturday: I'll be eating here if there's any luck involved with getting the family shuttled out to Charelston on time. Or snacking on orange BBQ wouldn't be horrible as well.

I've been so busy lately I totally forgot I was going on vacation by the end of the week including bringing Kyra on her first flight! I can hear Pauly groan from the Rio with stories about unrestrained kids on airplanes. We have the coloring books, snacks, and stickers all set, but besides a fifth of Jack Daniels and soda in her Dora the Explorer cup, any other parenting tricks out there for getting a "spirited" child to sit semi-quietly so I don't need to deal with the balding gold card carrying business traveler from Fargo blathering about the wild child who thought my daughter was cute until she decided that a toilet was too inconvenient to dump her Burger King kids meal waste and exclaims over and over "I GO POTTY!" until her degenerate father finally breaks away from his Cap'n Coke while listening to the podcast of the KFAN Power Trip Morning Show to deal with it.

Thank you kindly, and good luck to all those playing tonight. But, I was perplexed by this. Claim he sucks at poker all you want, but outing someone for cheating because you don't understand the play is like going for the anal fisting on the first date without lube. At least ask for the ass before doing so.

Monday, June 09, 2008

Yes, I'm That Guy

I'll be waiting for my free t-shirt and stress ball in the mail from my new gig.

And after last night, I have the utmost respect for those who this on a daily basis. Especially those in the press box currently at the WSOP. Kudos to all of you.

I don't know if I'm shooting myself in the foot by pretending to be a poker blogger, but I had fun last night despite the minimal amount of sleep this morning. Also, if you think the Sunday Million write-up totally sucked, go beat your face with Bobby Flay's corn lined hot waffle iron.

Just let me know if there's somethings I could work on for next time.

Much appreciated.

Edit: in my haze this morning I found this in my inbox....

Truckin' --
Truckin' - June 2008, Vol. 7, Issue 6

Welcome to the birthday issue of Truckin!

We have now been around for six years.

1. Ikeaphobia by Paul McGuire
I kept imagining Swedish people in Sweden coming home from their Swedish jobs and sitting down on their Swedish couches and eating Swedish meals cooked in Swedish pans and served on Swedish plates... More
2. The Crucification of Kaminsky by Betty Underground
The diet pills made her skinny. Made her feel excepted in the land of the beautiful. The speed getting her through the days. Coke came at night, when she needed to escape her own mind. Her past... More
3. One Night Out, Part I by Sigge S. Amdal
I noticed that I wasn't alone in the alley, and I looked up quick enough to see a prostitute coughing up a recognizable white substance. She looked up and for a brief time our eyes met. Only one window apart earlier, but out here we were both equally being sick. It was a strange moment of solidarity... More
4. The Reason Why... by May B. Yesno
The place had a less than classy name, The Roamin Gardens, to say little of the fact the only garden about it were two fake, potted palm trees at the front door. A typical sleazy pick-up joint. One in which you feel like everything you touch you can pick-up most anything... More
5. Drafting Richard Petty by Drizz
Imagine starting every day with these heavy chains pinning you to Davy Jones' Locker, and having zero motivation to try to swim to the surface because those depths didn't provide any sunlight to reach... More
6. FLASHBACK - Fukuoka, Phishy City by Tenzin McGruppThe workers are tiny Japanese girls who wear the most adorable white and red uniforms and lovely white gloves cover their tiny hands. They greet you with big smiles and sing a nice happy song to you as the customers pay... More

Good grief. Pretty soon my ego is gonna rival G-Rob's if this keeps up. He'll still have the hair though.

Sunday, June 08, 2008

One Place I Never Want To See Corn

Watched "Iron Chef" for the first time.

While most the tasty morsels looked fresh-Wisconsin-cheese-curds-first-day-of-the-fair delicious...

... why the hell would Bobby Flay put corn on waffles?!?!


Please explain to the man that is only allowed to rip open packages labeled "Hot Pockets" for meals at home.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Yeah, I Like Pancakes

A Waffles sighting in Mankato trying to get with the hotties on the campus. Hope he hurried back home to yell at the monkey avatar for hitting a gutter-ball straight on him:

MANKATO, Minn. (WCCO) ― Mankato investigators believe women near a Minnesota college campus are being targeted by a stranger with a strange request. Within the past two weeks, the man has apparently approached two sunbathers near Minnesota State-Mankato and told them he was a professional massage therapist.

The first incident happened around 2:30 p.m. on May 25. The man approached a 19-year-old sunbathing outside of her apartment. She told police she just walked away from him after he made inappropriate comments.

A week later, police believe that same man approached another 19-year-old woman sunbathing outside of her apartment a few blocks. Again, she told police he introduced himself as Craig, a massage therapist, and asked her for a drink. She went inside her apartment. "That's where things kind of went awry," said Mankato Public Safety Commander Jeremy Clifton. "He let himself into the apartment after her. And she didn't know he was there." Clifton said the woman told them he touched in her in "private places." Eventually, her protests and screams scared him away.

Investigators began looking into the cases on Wednesday morning after the two girls reported the incidents. According to police, the two knew each other as acquaintances and met at a party on Tuesday night. They began talking and realized they had both been approached by "Craig."

The women gave police a good description. He is about 300 pounds between 5 feet, 10 inches and 6 feet, 2 inches tall. He has a hairy chest and back, a large head, a larger than normal nose, somewhat high-pitched voice and an irritated sore above his upper right lip.

They're on to you, make sure you shave.

The return of drunken poker will not resume this week since work has kicked my ass into a submission hold hard enough to qualify all these TPS reports for a spot on's feature page. You'll have to wait till next week for my easy money.

In other news, while playing poker I continue to feel like a guy who shows up for a game of Russian Roulette with a loaded shotgun and asks to go first. Maybe its variance, maybe its bad timing, maybe its because I suck (my choice) but I need to change something besides my daughter's diapers every night. No, I'm not into reading a poker book but a blog post or two wouldn't kill me as I play less and less yet write more and more (HINT!).

Cabin this weekend, me and Cap'n will become good friends while I plow through another Robert Jordan Wheel to Time series book. If you're into fantasy genre, highly recommended.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

17 To Go

At least I didn't suck at both blogger series...

Drizztdj Your WSOP Seat Awaits!
Congratulations Drizztdj!
As one of the players who finished in the top 18 of our Poker Blogger Tournament Series you have earned a seat at the Final on June 10th at 9:05 p.m. ET.
The Online Poker Blogger Final costs nothing for you to enter and will see the winner receive a $12,000 WSOP* Prize Package and all the perks that come with being a part of Team Bodog at the World Series.
Other prizes are as follows:
2nd: T$540 enough to buy into two Main Event semifinals
3rd: T$379 enough to buy into a Main Event semifinal and our weekly $100K Guaranteed
4th: T$270 enough to buy into a Main Event semifinal
5th: T$109 enough to buy into our weekly $100K Guaranteed
Registering for the Final is simple:

* Open the Bodog Poker software and go to "Scheduled Tournaments"
* Select the "WSOP" tab
* Register in the tournament named, Online Poker Blogger Final
Please confirm that you received this notice by sending a reply email.
Good luck and hopefully we'll see you in Vegas!
Bodog Poker

Happy Meal or Filet Mignon?

A quick question for the poker junkies out there then I need to return to the world of poorly crafted Access databases while I yern to know more about SQL and acquire more database knowledge:

Blinds 300/600/75
You have 3,000 chips behind after posting the big blind, folds around to a biggish stack of 22K who limps(!) on the button just three before the bubble of the daily double tourney. The small blind completes and you hold AQo.

Now the following constraints:
- You've already cashed in the other half of the daily double but are at just below par in chips on the other table.
- If you fold you WILL make the double cash before the blinds come around and a bonus for doing so ($20-$50) with the buy-in at $12 a piece, plus whatever happy meal money you receive on this table unless you double up about 15 times in a row (basically a win of $30 + ($20 to $50) - $24) but less of a shot at the $20K+ for the double win jackpot.
- You have zero fold equity from the big stack as he's a decent player (beside the afformentioned limp on the button) and understands live cards = auto-call
- Your 4 year old son thinks its a great night to test dad how many times I can get up before dad is forced to watch the second half of the Star Wars trilogy on DVD with George Lucas added features!!!11111
- Porn searching has come up dry this evening and you would rather just go to bed after not getting a shot at Smokkee's bounty in the bodoggie

After answering, please return to the WSOP coverage including CK's $1,500 O8 tourney recap.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Last Kid Picked For the Kickball Team

Getting an email from claiming: David, You Scored!!! 0 people have looked at your profile!

That's me. Mr. Popular back in high school. All 120 lbs. of tightly wound nerves with a black cloud hanging over my head, and a sense of fashion that was better suited for an all-day physical education class. I didn't hate high school, loathed it with exception of close friends that tamed the daily insecurities. Maybe a self-gazing story for the future as to why the 1,000+ people I marched with down the floor of the newly minted Target Center back in 93', aren't rabidly trying to find new pictures of my two mobile tax deductions in toddler clothes.

And for those wondering why you go through all the tantrums about that McDonald's happy meal Iron Man (or is it Speed Racer now?) toy you won't open until all of their wonderfully hand crafted food is gone? Check out AJ putting on a hitting clinic over at Speaker's site. That's why you go through the kicks to the nads after being told no more MarioKart (I've managed to keep my disappointments of the wife telling me to turn off the Wii to punching out a few walls), the peeing on the carpet because taking off clothes in the porch seemed like the right thing to do, and making good on those t-shirts proclaiming "Patience Tester" in sparkly pink letters across her chest.

If you're here for poker, I'll direct your attention to a few places:

- Tonight's Bodog is the last one before their Tournament of Champions next week and I managed to suckout enough to sit out the last three tourneys with an iron-clad seat at the 18 person Sit and Go for the $12,000 WSOP package. But tonight, T$270 sitting on the head of Smokkee is too much to pass up. If you think getting bad beat with ragz is hard, wait till you see the cards pushing him all-in when the bounty nearly exceeds the prize pool.

- WSOP coverage. Go now. See these people. Be the armchair fanboi sitting in your cube instead of smelling a perfectly crafted Cap'nCoke in a Milwaukee Beast Light plastic cup next to a Scandi kid that overplays his suited Kings in a PLO8 cash game with "TV" poker-stars chatting up behind you about where the profitable games are at tonight along the Strip.

- Jason's got a great article on Nolan Dalla chatting about poker and Stu Unger over at Pokerlistings (part 2 of 2)

- And if I'm missing you its you, not me (shoot me an email please, I've been a tad busy and feeling older that Ruben Sierra trying to lace up his cleats for his 48th major league baseball season)

Sunday, June 01, 2008

Wii Fit: Improves Your Sex Life

After seeing this video, I'm hustling out to buy the wife some nice workout shorts

Is It October Already?

34 Bags of Wet Leaves and Twigs (click for picture if reading from RSS feed)

After getting creamed playing PLO/PLO8 SnGs at Stars last night (but strangely profitable at Full Tilt), my body wasn't ready for the clean up necessary in the yard due to some gusty winds and hail that pounded the Minneapolis suburbs last night.

I think I managed to sweat out all the Duvel and Cap'n Cokes consumed last night after the last bag in the backyard was tied.

But, Wyatt and Kyra are wondering...