Sunday, December 31, 2006

Fuck You Andy Reid

Takes out Garcia when I'm playing for 2nd in my fantasy football pool.

Takes out Garcia after I place a bet on the Eagles.

Fuck you sir (second prize goes to Tony "Floam" Romo for the outstanding performance against Detroit Rock City causing this Eagles/Falcons game to become junk).

Eight hours till the ball drop, and I'm getting on my holiday cheer before seeing the guys tonight for some cigars, some drinks, and some stories about past parties at the townhouse while slacking off Econ 101 again. Its funny how a group of guys that used to play Euchre while downing a liter of Tanqueray while counting the hours till McDonald's opened for breakfast could be mixing up Oatmeal cereal while making sure they brought some Desitin for their baby's raw ass.

Have a great New Years everyone, I hope that any tilt you may have going on in your life exits as liquor flows at least for one night.

Friday, December 29, 2006

Bloggers Made Me Buy It

Turtle: I thought he quit

Johnny Drama: He quit cigarettes, not pussy (as Eric exits with Ari's new hot assistant)

Why O why don't I have HBO?!?!?!

I know I'm like 15 years behind, but watching Entourage season 1 has been awesome, can't wait for season 2... which will start around 3:00pm CST.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Math Is Hard

Win $170 at $3/$6 Hold Em' over 5 hours - earn $2.50 in comps

Lose *cough* $XXX.XX *cough* playing slots - earn $10.40 in comps

Equals "Why-the-fuck-do-I continue-to-play-those-damn-slots"

At the poker was fun, especially chatting it up with a regular to the game for most of the time and dragging a couple of big pots with junk cards when the odds were there.

And a side note... people playing blackjack in the high limit area are in one of three catagories:

1) Egotistical frat boy with hanger ons with fake tits, fake personalities, or fake sense of style

2) Grumpy old gambler that took a shower when it was stylish to crimp your hair while wearing leggings singing "What A Feeeeeeeeeling" and calling everyone "gnarly"

3) Asian players with no regards to the denomination of the chips or the 50 different languages they speak away from the table

Monday, December 25, 2006

Merry Christmas To All

Full Tilt was kind enough to ship over ten buck thru their 12 Days of Christmas deal-o. Never won in the past but I figure I gave enough away yesterday to catch the attention of their RNG.

Merry Christmas everyone, and hope you and your families have a safe holidays with lots of monies bet on the Cowboys today...

Did I jinx them enough? :)

Be back on Wednesday as the wife was kind enough to let me use a comped room up at Grand Casino Hinckley tomorrow.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Things That Make Your French Toast Come Up

Want to make a Vikes fan violently ill?

Stuff him full of shots or...

Go on a Brett Farve wank-fest like the kind folks at ESPN, after an unimpressive win over the purple last night. Green Bay vs. the Vikes used to be a $150 bar tab complete with sore throat from taunting that guy in the torn Reggie White jersey.

Last night I fell asleep to Collinsworth's droning by halftime.

At least Williamson didn't disappoint as he switched from granite to marble hands for Lambeau Field last night. Way to earn that 1st round draft pick pay check kiddo.

Having a 6-9 record is one thing... losing both games to Green Bay? Unacceptable.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Lea Thompson Has a Nice Ass

Of she does, she from MinnesOOOOta ya know!

Hindsight is a killer.

A plus $300 night turned into a negative $120 night because of one “correct” fold. We’ll forget the quads hitting on the river and that my opponents went into a who’s-got-a-bigger-wang raising war with very weak holdings and draws. But alas, my account balance went down, his went up nothing special. Move on to the next night and try again. I think situations like that build up sludge on a poker player. Over time those close calls, those should-coulda-woulda moments, and of course its easy to pick out those bad beats as offenders.

The sludge lessen a desire to play, much like a hangover can lessen your desire to live the next morning while curled up on a cold floor cursing yourself for accepting those last body shots from the hot chick with test tubes and ten dollar fluorescent flashing knick-knacks that seemed like a bargain at the time. Poker is a game of forgive and forget, letting those “bad beats” weigh in your head like the time you woke up next to someone that resembled more Sasquatch and less the Jessica Alba stunt double you picked up last night, will kick any desire you have of slinging cards the next night.

Right now me and poker are on happy terms, I play, she takes, I buy-in, she asks "are you done yet?". But, I’m enjoying the game once again and have been despite my less-then stellar results. After all if you can’t enjoy the game, why play? If you resent logging on and/or sitting down at the felt you’re already behind those players who want to play and are there to take your hardly earned monies. The thrill of chasing that “easy” money has not died down despite my lack-luster December and the reason is change.

I’ve changed how I play. No longer do “bad beats” really effect me, I chalk it up to variance and move on to the next hand/table/tournament. Instead of saying: “OMFG WAFFLES HIT A TWO OUTER ON THE RIVER U FUCKIN SUCKASS DONKEY!!!11111”. I viewed it as “the money went in pre-flop, I was an 80/20 percent favorite and got outdrawn”, have a nice night. A lot of people don’t step back and see the circumstances behind the calls, raises, and folds, instead focusing on the end result which will only lead to expletives flying faster then an Andrew Dice Clay stand up routine. Or calling others names in which they didn’t earn.

(a side note about Mr. Clay’s appearance in “Causal Sex?”… why were there no boobs but several ass shots? I mean I enjoyed SNL-alumni Victoria Jackson and Lea Thompson’s back-side curves but a movie about sex without the necessary nipple shot? Lame.)

Some people “get it” and move on to a better enjoyment of the game. They see an unfavorable outcome and think “hmmmm, did I make the right call, raise, or fold?”. Others dwell on “that hand cost me $500 because the LAG-tard raised me off my hand” and end up becoming numb to the nightly beatings, become apathetic towards the game and lose all enjoyment.

I know, because I was there four months ago.

After playing some video games (Max Payne is an excellent pixelized aggression release) and working out a schedule where I could get the most daddy-time in; the lock’s tumblers fell into place. Whether this rebirth of excitement for pokery-type things lingers long enough to lose the rest of my bankroll remains to be seen.

Thanks for dropping by, now I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and that Pappy returns my call today for some choice dried beef. No spicy stuff Mr. Bracelet?

P.S. There's 1:9 odds in favor of accepting the blogging gig after chatting with a couple of friends last night.

Thanks guys.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Color Me Rad

When that gift card to Archivers doesn't do the trick... its time for the ultimate gift. Yeah, I know everyone has been posting the video but even last night I chatting up some bloggers that weren't clued in on the resurrection of Color Me Badd (nod to Speaker for having similar minds because that's the first band that came into mind when I saw it).

Has everyone baked up those cornflake wreaths and almond bark dipped pretzels yet? Still going to work over the holidays?

Yeah me too, but with the alignment of the holidays and must-use vacation time, I managed to get from the 22nd to the Fiesta Bowl off for a fraction of "vacation" hours. Who wants to go to Vegas????

Just kidding. Well, not really kidding, but I'm sure if I hopped on a plane the marital bliss I'm experiencing with a sick-with-a-cold wife at the moment would be a tad less blissful.

I received something last night that startled me a little bit since I draft incoherant babble on here daily for reason unknown to even myself. I'm sure many of our blogging brethren have received these offers of writing for a site and receiving compensation, but this was a first for this tall hick from nordic suburbia. Frankly, the thought of getting paid to write with my English comprehension skills that rival someone tackling Moonbeams in grade school, frightens me. Honored of course to be selected, but since I don't post about how my AA26 double suited went down to someone overplaying their KKxx each day, or how to successfully bluff off all your chips to a calling station (I'm a world class player in that regards), I don't feel comfortable accepting an offer like this.

Those scribes like Pauly, Otis, Jason, Iggy, Joannnnnnnnnnda, Wil, Hoy, Dan, April, CJ, Change100, have the backgrounds and the talent to be compensated for their transcription of this silly little game we all play. Me? I like to talk about my family and discuss ways of getting Wyatt out of Dave and Busters after all the points on the card are used up without setting off a Defcon 3 level tantrum.

Any suggestions on whine-deflection tactics?

But... if anyone wanted to send me to the World Series of Poker, I'm sure exceptions could be made :D

Thanks for dropping by, now I'd get a gauge on an appropriate gift for my boss. I found a birdhouse at a craft store that seemed like a nice gift. Too tacky? Too ghey?

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

"We're Going To Hooter's After This, Right?"

Picture taken by my father-in-law

Chandler Bing has nothing on Wyatt's cheesy smile.

Sorry but everyone will be subjected to kids pics for the next few days while I fend off everyone's cold/flu and cut back on the poker play so I can sleep for a few hours before shuttling people nyquil and more bedtime stories.

Can anyone help me find some Pappy Kershenstine beef jerky for the Bracelet? Searched the Mall of America this weekend after the Santa pic above was taken (and an hour wait) and a few meat shops in my area, got air.

Thanks for dropping by, now wade through the seven deadly sins with Pauly at your own risk.

And play this game until your mouse wrist can't take anymore: Current high score 25 seconds

Edit: Best part of that sick 120 page 2+2 thread... "Captain Tom" makes the dictionary

Monday, December 18, 2006

Baby Its Cold Outside

Do you call it survival?

Is it yet another layer of blankets to protect you from the elements?

Everyone has life happen to them. Unless you're watching 24 hour re-runs of Hollywood Squares and Little House on the Prairie with that nine inch black and white Tee-Vee with aluminum foiled rabbit ears down in mommy and daddy’s basement, come on up to enjoy this twisted reality most of us go through daily.

I try to incorporate a little poker into my postings because it is my favorite hobby despite the urge to use my laptop as a frisbee at times. The cash games have not treated me well lately, actually I’ve done rather poorly due to tired calls when I’m beat, and fancy level 26-type plays at pots that only the latest Intel microprocessor would be able to figure out.

Good weeks, bad weeks, and weeks that you have to call upon your backup quarterback to stop the booing despite giving up on your horrid season of mis-management of resources (I'm looking at you Mr. Run-Taylor-Middle). Luckily I have a bankroll that I keep within to absorb any slap shots to bare shins and still limp away with nothing more then some discolored skin and a slight limp. But, to a former hockey player who’s used to taking such abuse, its shrugged off like a forgotten mosquito bite after the itching dies down.

At what point while playing poker are you able to look back at a board which your opponent was drawing to two outs and say “Nice game sir” after the river card turns your winning hand into paper mache and actually mean it? When do the twinges of “bad beat” pain become nothing more taking a little bigger gulp of hot coffee then your mouth could handle?

Sure layers of protection help fend off things like cold toes and STD’s but in poker don’t you want to feel a little bit alive when your 95% didn’t come in? Having a one-way express ticket to Tiltsville isn’t healthy for any bankroll, but if you don’t enjoy the thrill of the gamble nor care a little about winning or losing what’s the point of playing unless you transfer your lockbox chips from Commerce over to Wells Fargo for the mortgage payment?

I found a little excitement this weekend despite my ledger running red on the poker side. My dad’s side of the family gets together for Christmas each year at an undisclosed location. Yes, I said Christmas not “the holidays” or any other goddamn stupid ass PC-ish crap. Ho ho ho and a bottle of Captain Morgan rum. This year was a little different as the clan decided to head up north near Brainerd to my uncle’s home on a lake. Despite the extremely warm temperatures lately, we were able to partake in a little skating and boot hockey action. Since my work accident I really have not played hockey (almost six years) and even while goofing off on a secluded lake with a hockey stick half the size it should be for someone of my height, it felt like biting into a perfectly made chicken wing or melting into your couch with no agenda other then dreams about hitting the $5,000 spot on the Wheel of Fortune and asking Vanna to turn over all of the P’s in the phrase “Peter Piper Picked A Pack of Pickled Peppers” while holding a trip to Maui for solving the puzzle.

The rush of cold air while skating fast outdoors is in infusion of oxygen that you won’t find through the tubes at your local mall oxygen bar for $15. Laughter coming from my son as he begs me do spin him across the ice while donning a bright yellow Cooper hockey helmet with a bulldog sticker on the back, gives me hope that the future looks to be better then the past. Another layer of warmth added to shield off any anger that arises after he gets up for fourth time during the night with a new excuse as to why he won’t go to sleep. Bathroom, thirsty, “my show is on”, and cold feet were the reasons if you’d like to know. All said with the same soft innocent voice that you couldn’t possibly irked at even if you didn’t notice flushing a buy-in down the tubes because those baby-blue eyes needed more attention.

Maybe someday I’ll have grown a thick enough layer of immunity to tilt to do nothing more then sigh at a board and reload the way Wyatt looks after grabbing for a cookie in the cookie jar but coming up with air.

Thanks for dropping by, now here is natural selection at its finest. Nice job Ted, you just may win the Darwin award this year.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Enablers Suck

Why is staying up until 2am not worth it when you have to get up five hours later for a three drive?

Because it was a LIMIT tourney, final table bubbles suck. I blame the Princess for any and all headaches acquired today at my family celebration of Christmas near Brainard today.

Have a good weekend folks... and bet the Falcons over Tony Romo's Ribs and Chicken today.


Thursday, December 14, 2006

Jotting While Dotting

I finally found out who helped me out on the fateful first night in Vegas… thank you Lord Byron for shushing away those trans-gender strippers and rich guys with bad pick-up lines (“Are you a stripper?????” why not go for “DAMN! you look fuckable tonight, how much for head?”) while getting back into the comforts of my loving wife.

At least she was happy the next day after a few choice drinks at the Geisha Bar :)

And to Princess Maigrey who told me last night if I didn’t show some love that she’d introduce her rather large dog to my fat cat that runs about as fast as an AMC Pacer with a clogged carburetor.

Now, the PokerPro/PokerTek party bought forth a new way to play poker in casinos, and to be totally honest I can see this thing getting extremely hot with bar poker. Hopefully the marketing crew over there has considered this. No cards or chips for the drunks to handle, no more wondering who finished in 27th place for those all important bar league points feeding into that huge $100 freeroll at the end of the year, and turning the tourney director’s job into a techie position vs. a babysitter for grown-ups.

I know state gaming laws, wonderful government-types like Bill Frist, and religious right wing-nuts will probably get their granny panties in a twist, but the ease of use for something that isn’t going away (bar tourneys still packing the people in every night, even after three years of starting) just makes sense.

As for casinos… hello Pot Limit Omaha 8 or better SnGs without headaches! Hello heads-up matches for all the juice and none of the slowdown of taking up floor space and dealer’s time!

Granted the PokerPro/PokerTek interface was a tad confusing with all the confirming and reconfirming your actions. But, I’m sure with feedback from more live players and those of us who play poker from an interface every night there can be a mesh of ideas to find the easiest to use screen.

By the way, this was not a paid advertisement, just a jotting that I enjoyed the product and hope they make their way into Canterbury and/or some bars. The two bar tourneys I played in featured some horrible structures mainly due to people who couldn’t shuffle up and deal within the time it takes for your girlfriend/spouse to get ready for another wedding reception of that neighbor she grew up with but hasn’t seen for 10 years.

Tomorrow I promise to post a few pics before I head off to the Mall of America for kids pics with the only mall Santa who isn’t a total douchebag and worth sitting in line for 90 minutes. And god willing, wings at Hooters afterwards.

Lets us pray to the all-mighty orange and silicone gods (which I didn't get to see while in Vegas :sobs: ).

Thanks for dropping by now if you were not able to drop by the PokerPro/PokerTek party, here’s the link to the site.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Fifteen Minutes of Fame

Rather then try to jar out more memories from my rum soaked head, I’ll jot down a couple of thanks, rants, and more thanks to the people who make these trips worth it.

Feeling blue once again Sunday morning, encased in a fog of lack of sleep, uneasiness about my poor attitude displayed after the tourney, multiplied by the spouse’s lingering guilt-trip (which she has since spoke up about and everything is back to “normal”) made for a Vegas trip that didn’t quite live up to expectations up to that point. There was no sex with midget strippers behind the Geisha Bar while getting cheered on by the Christina Aguilera look-a-like with her spandex shorts shoved somewhere north of her shoulders. I never made that “big bet” (very relative) that I’ve always wanted to. Most importantly, I didn’t get to hang out with the bloggers as much as I’d like do.

This unknown funk surrounded me after the first night, maybe due to the last of the shots finally working their ways through my circulatory system. But the funk never went away; I didn’t feel like “raging solo” despite several opportunities to do so after the wife headed to bed around midnight each night. I did stop several times do take in a panoramic view of the going-ons, watching people bet $10,000 a roll at craps, admiring yet another chick who felt the need to display more skin then the waitresses, the excited slot player who just hit the bonus game by lining up three Mr. Monopoly’s on a payline and won $42.

The magic of Vegas surrounded me, yet I was unable to break away from my own guilt of disappointing the wife and then myself on Saturday.

But, then there was football at the IP (avert your eyes BG, link orgy forthcoming)…

The Rooster was there to remind me how much his ‘Boys and Romo-mania were superior to the lowly Vikes and not missing a beat to hit on the blonde waitress at the same time. Nice job holding the Saints to five TDs!

Through my thoughtlessness, I never thanked April for her tireless work on getting this herd of cats together once again. So, I’m doing it now. Thank you. I hope you don’t feel burnt out by fun you enabled everyone to have (how did the test go…).

Gary, I apologize for not getting you off Pai Gow tilt soon enough, and hope you’ll consider coming out for the next shindig as I’ll demonstrate the level of drunkenness necessary to get free rides in a wheelchair after setting a Jack-high Pai Gow for the fourth time in a row

Speaker, Bobby Bracelet, BG, StB, F-Train, Pauly, Derek and Daddy I wish there was an infinite time to hang out and get your opinions on the best technique on embarrassing a hooker (but it sounds like Daddy worked his magic already…). $17???? I’m sure BG would ante up at least $20.

To the blogfather, WHO DEY! And that help with PLO8 is open offer redeemable at anytime I’m online just not trying to feed Vegas while playing penny slots :) Thank you again for all the memories past, present, and future due getting me to draft posts with this broken internet pencil.

Easycure, what happened to dem Hawks?!?!!? I appreciate the birthday card you and Mrs. gave me and congrats on Gigli!!

Senor Otis, mucho gracias for pointing out that hot chocolate can be a manly drink at the tables after a long night of wheelchair riding. Although hot tea with honey was pushing it.

In the he-was-nicer-then-I-thought department, Chilly turned my head with the conversations we had at the poker table at Caesar’s and before my infamous run at the IP. I look forward to the next time we meet up, and promise not crack those Kings again. I’m thinking we’ll have to meet up at Grand Casino Mille Lacs or Hinckley sometime this summer if the logistics allow it. Volleyball Chicks > *

The goatee’d one with “Falstaff” on his Full Tilt jersey… yeah you with sweet wife and PBR in hand, still amazed of the gift, thank you very much!!

Gracie and Sweet Sweet Pablo, don’t lose those smiles and Pablo… keep her away from the kitchen utensils next time m’kay?

To Al, the walking party, and actually getting my wife to crack a smile the morning after my ah-hem lack of alcohol tolerance AND getting her to discuss a possible trip to PA in Sept?!?!?! I stand amazed. SAN DIEGO SUPER CHARGERS!

To all the bloggers that got kicked by Vegas’ ass last weekend, I hope to see your thousand mile glares at the tables at our next meeting there, official WPBT event or not.

Thanks for dropping by, now be sure to hit up some of the links on the right for more trip posts and reports. But, do yourself a favor and hit up Dawn’s recall about the poker weekend while in Hell. Sadly, I didn’t get to share any table time with those two vixens from “I Had Outs” but then again I like keeping my poker money. But, if I need a bankroll bump, I could always let Dawn bluff her stack off to me :)

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Do You Sudoku? WPBT Winter Classic Part 1

Fade to Black

Could also be the working title of watching me play poker for the past week. Slowly losing back what I won in the previous month has been a little disturbing and contributed to my not-so-minty-fresh attitude on Saturday. The adventure in Vegas started off with smiles and optimism abound. If you don’t step off that plane with a grin similar to the one sported after eating some damn good beef jerky or seeing some boobies by pure chance on your television set, there’s really no hope to enjoy yourself in the city of sin. The whole Vegas state-of-mind that “I’m going to win” or “I’m going to party until I end up in a wheelchair” once the badly coifed flight attendant gives you a tepid “good luck” as you stash away that JR Davies’ signed Shrum Bowl XXVI collector’s edition book in your PokerStars carry-on bag, its necessary to enjoy four full days of watching people spend beyond their means just because the alcohol is free, and the women don’t care that you’re staring.

The Folies Bergere show on Thursday night was a mild disappointment at first as the beginning started like watching my sister’s dance recitals, except topless. Which is a mildly disturbing thought that may require several years of applying a brillo pad to my brain. But in the end you do get your money’s worth with the 32A-cup toting showgirls walk through the decades and a decent song and dance on the side. One question… was the lead “singer” possibly lip-synching? I can read lips fairly well and there was definitely a visable/audiable delay between her lips moving and music coming out, not Ashlee Simpson/Saturday Night Live bad, but definitely a difference.

After the show I had the fever for the flavor of a Pringle. I had the motivation to have a good time as I was seeing people who have given me a network of friends that don’t judge me based upon my inability to hear requests for my mysterious and never-before-seen Captain Morgan boxers (which I didn’t wear on purpose). But, when I woke up after blacking out the first night the fun seemed to dull a bit. Nailing a full house Friday evening after a half-night worth of Cap’n Cokes on the Pai Gow tables with a decent 80s rock cover band blaring in the background and high fives being dished out, just didn’t have the zing it did when I was huddled around the Geisha Bar, accepting one too many generous drinks, shots (Iggy and Chilly of course) and smiles.

Friendship is what makes Vegas to me. Of course, I looked at the waitresses, and looked again, then one more time for good measure, but being around people with similar interest yet having totally different backgrounds is refreshing from a daily life that leans towards a gray-monotone background. That’s why I chop out enough money to fly around to WPBT-type events.

That and the free wheelchair rides that you don’t recall rock as well. Can anyone fill in the blanks?


Since I spent most of Friday morning apologizing for the previous night’s journey to the drunken abyss, the silent treatment doled out by the spouse was deserved and earned ten times over. But, again I was bailed out by a little Daddy and Al tag team (and a $100 bribe) and she at least put on a happy face.

The brunch at the Wynn was probably the best meal I’ve ever tasted outside of the really really good shrimp and hush puppies platter at Long John Silver’s about two years ago. Seriously, the teriyaki steak, Kobe beef meatballs (massaged cow!), brick oven pizza, and decadent vanilla ice cream to top it off was as a fine of a meal as this simpleton has ever had. While snarfing down as much eats as possible, Falstaff gave me a birthday present only a true Drizzt Do’Urden geek like myself could appreciate. The soft-spoken kilt-toting thespian was thoughtful enough to grab my favorite author for a signed copy of Homeland by R.A. Salvatore (picture of the book coming on Thursday with promised Christmas picks of the little ones for the gracious hostess of the Wynn brunch, thank you Gracie!). Yes, gay man hugs were given and the thoughtfulness of the gift from Menzoberranzan still gets me. Thank you sir and ma’am.

You Shook Me All Night Long

“Drizz looks pissed”

Yep, I was.

I have zero excuses for it.

I was so ashamed of my inability to take a couple of beats that I managed to ignore a U of M grad near the roulette tables while exiting the tournament room at Caesar’s with a grunt and eyes plummeting towards the casino’s multi-colored carpeting. Maybe if the “beats” would have happened in the first hour or so, and not with two tables remaining I’d have the same outlook on the cards coming out as I do while at home reclined on my couch and a laptop warming my legs in the porch. After 4-5 hours of playing semi-seriously as there needed to be some comedy having someone like Mr. Speaker to my direct left or seeing the wayward Bobby Bracelet floating in totally unexpected the previous night, the competitive side of me took hold and blocked out all of the fun I had for the first four hours and at the MGM the previous night.

If there was ever a time I need a hardy “put a stitch in it” that was it. My mind just wouldn’t release the loss, instead of focusing on the positive for making it that far in the tourney. Its. A. Card. Game. Just like learning Texas Hold Em’ for the first time, it’s easy to remember, hard to master those emotions when the cards don’t fall your way. With a 16th or 17th place finish I did a little shopping with the wife before as she gave into the callings of sleep. I slinked back to the IP for the PokerPro presentation and give one last attempt to salvage a few smiles…

… to be continued.

Thanks for dropping by, now in honor of Bobby Bracelet: The top three people I wanted to punch in the face while in Vegas:

1) Dude with Dale Earnhart Jr.’s NASCAR number scrawled up his entire forearm: At least he wasn't wearing a pair of Wrangler’s while sporting a Budweiser tattoo on his forehead. NASCAR4LIFE!!!! WHOO!!!!

2) Bitchy Pai Gow dealer at New York New York: Set the fuckin dragon hand how I WANT TO since its not YOUR HAND like the other 20 different dealers I played with last weekend. And lighten the fuck up, she managed to kill my buzz faster then my wife did while waking up Friday morning with her constant ability to smile only when she won.

3) OMG I Can’t Check-in 20 Bags Group At the Airport: This merry band of single digit IQs managed to have 12 bags over the limit and tried to pass some of them off as carry-ons. Of course the verbal sparring between the bag jockeys and amoebas made for a Jerry Springer special waiting to happen. 30 minutes later they fess up the extra cash, and stomp off to enjoy an overpriced smoothie at Chili’s.

Our total check-in time to go home once we got to the front of the line? Three minutes. Assholes.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Generic Story of Vegas

This is what I remember:

Ok, I'm working off of three hours sleep since I got in around 1am this morning. Maybe tomorrow I'll jot a few words into this space about this weekend.

Just don't ask me about Thursday, because all I remember is playing Pai Gow with Otis and a dealer name Bai, Bye, Byi, Bei or something like that and I was probably annoying the hell out of the pit boss, receiving several happy birthday wishes from some very generous bloggers, then waking up the next morning with a note on my chest saying my wife went to breakfast at 7am... it was 11:30 when I woke up.

Wife was not pleased while doing her Sudoku puzzles on the other bed.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

The Fadeaway

True athletic acheivements like scoring the game winning goal in the 1991 District 3 Midget B playoffs are savored by millions and replays of such displays of god-like talent should be shown on all-time Top 10 plays sport shows for the next thousand years...

Not really.

But if you watched SportsCenter this morning and saw the spin move that Pierre-Marc Bouchard put on Khabibulin this morning you'd stand up and take notice. Or that filthy penalty kick by Ronaldinho making a wall of high stepping Germans as confused as Britney Spears selecting some panties at La Perta to wear. No, I do not have the link to those wonderful Britney Spears bare beaver crotch shots, but since we're blessed with having people like Snake, Chops, and the Addict as fellow poker bloggers at Wicked Chops Poker, they did the dirty work for those of us who need to view such things.

Shave the cheerleader, indeed.

See you tomorrow in never-never land folks :)

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Checklist For Bodily Destruction

Two tickets to McCarran Airport - Check

Suitcases not packed by me - Check

Bankroll to obtain round disks of monetary value at various casinos - Check

Liver - Questionable, but is a game time decision

Two tickets to Folies Bergere - Check

Spousal unit in a good mood - Will know more after Wednesday night, currently all smiles

Minnesota Sports Jersey - Gophers Hockey or Vikings? (I'm leaning towards Lucia's crew)

Lack of sleep for the past two weeks - Check

Poker hot streak before going to Vegas - Not exactly, but I'm still having fun

Random porn viewed for desensitization to four days of too much cleavage and women wearing less than six layers of clothing - Hmmmm Candy Canes

Two days.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Uff Doh!

*Dick Stockton: I can say without a doubt that was worst display of football this year since Buffalo University took on Sister Mary’s School for the Blind in the Dollar Toilet Bowl game.

Moose: I guess Rex Grossman and Brad Johnson decided that throwing to their own teammates was too taxing on their arms.

D.S.: The weather here is horrible, some guy with five brats stuffed in his mouth wearing a throw-back Payton jersey slathered with mustard stains garbled something Jim McMahon coming back, and… what is that smell?

Moose: I believe Tony was trying to keep up brat for brat with a local tailgater and had to use the bathroom in the booth before heading back down to the field.

Tony S.: Just a little present for you smug asses in the warm booth! Now let’s break down why the blocking scheme isn’t working for Minnesota today and….

D.S.: Um, I don’t think blocking was really an issue considering the QBs passer ratings were lower then their own age

Moose: Dude, I remember this time Troy threw five interceptions and still got to nail three cheerleaders in Irving’s hotel room, those were the days. I just gotta say these Bears are looking to emulate the 2000-2001 Ravens’ pathetic run to the title. Who the hell wants to watch a pro defense with a JV squad acting as an offense?

Tony S.: Excuse me, my pan pizza just got delivered. You two try to come up with a coherent sentence while I’m freezing my ass off down here in the 5th circle of hell. Wait a second… did you just slander Ray Lewis and my boyz? I gonna shove this stromboli where your antlers don’t shine!

D.S.: Hold those death by mozzarella thoughts Tony, is that the 1978 Shrum Bowl winner Danny Smith coming on the field for the Vikes? Finally, Childress is showing some coaching ability by trotting on a quarterback who’s actually older then Johnson!

* this didn’t happen on the broadcast nor would it and I actually like that team of announcers, but goddamn that game was horrible yesterday and didn’t deserve one of the better NFL announcing crews

Did either team even want to win or were they worried more about hypothermia due to the 15 million cold weather mentions by Fox Sports? Yes, it’s Chicago, its December, its outdoors, so it might not be 75 and Sunny.


After the way Childress went thru his quarterbacks yesterday I was fully waiting for Touchdown Tommy Kramer, Wade Wilson, or maybe even Gino Torretta to drop by and throw another interception or five. Equally horrible was Grossman throwing for a coma-inducing 34 yards against one of the worst pass defenses in the NFL. Maybe Lovie asked the Fonz about the Bobby Boucher-styled defense before taking down the Vikes 23-13 yesterday. It’s hard to be a fan when there’s nothing to cheer about except random sideline cheerleader shots that aren’t covered up by some stupid overpaid advertising graphic.

Congrats to the Chicago Bears on their NFC North division title, most likely securing home-field advantage until you lose to whatever AFC team decides to not choke during the playoffs, but don’t over look those Seachickens during the NFC title game, having their two skill players back mean a whole different team then the one that lost to the lowly Vikes several weeks ago.

Equally lowly was watching me click on the call button several times last night to be shown a superior hand and watching several chips fly out of my possession. It was a bad mix of getting paid off by short stacks and losing big bets to larger stacks that put a nice sized dent into my recent winnings. But at least I’m only 5,000 Full Tilt points from a coolio hockey jersey!!!!!


Ok, the money for chips and drinks at the MGM has been withdrawn. Three days to live degenerate gambling/boozing, porn hand-outs on the sidewalks, and hopefully a few moments of quiet, relaxing Pai Gow poker with a few friends at 3am.

Thanks for dropping by, now if you didn’t click the link (**links fixed**) to the two-time Hardy Cup winner Danny Smith, head over to Up For Sports (see blog roll under Up For Poker) were some of our internet maestros have combined to write about superior athletic achievements.

When’s Lil’ Otis submitting his weekly picks? Are drink box negotiations still going on?

Friday, December 01, 2006

Chop It, Ship It, Love It

Three and half hours, and two major suckouts later, two bloggers chop it up 50/50 for drinks at the MGM :)

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Vegas Speaks

Vegas says:

"Damn this cake is good!"

"Have fun in Las Vegas Daddy!"

"You say the Vikes are going to win this weekend? Daddy stopping drinking so much."

Six days folks.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

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Surburban Steak and Eggs

If anyone wondered why you're being berated with "oMg dOOD u suk c*ck!!!!!111" in chat after hitting that straight draw by a former gamer, read the future MBA candidates in the comments section for this article on gaming cheat codes. As semi-serious to serious poker players who read here should know that this is the group that will net you the greatest gains.

As I sip on my Lipton Green Tea this morning (damn this stuff is good), I’m waiting for the proverbial “other shoe” to drop. There’s been too many good things going on lately that I’m inching around every corner waiting to be flattened by mother variance. It’s a bad mind-set to not enjoy a happy spouse, the cards falling my way more often then not, and a toddler that still won’t eat his lasagna. Actually I’d give him a pass on the lasagna, despite the Marie Callender pot pies being spank-worthy good; she can’t make lasagna that would pass for one of those $1 Banquet frozen dinner specials. At least with the Banquet dinner you get the edible brownie.

Anyone ready for Steak and Eggs?

I am.

After six months of changing blowouts and being in perpetual parenting motion, the chance to not worry about running out of cheese-flavored goldfish crackers and iron-added formula for four days is much needed time-out from responsibilities (FYI: Wife green-lighted the trip to the place of ill-repute, only stipulation is no lap dances, which I can live with). No worries about getting up in the middle of the night for wet beds or because Wyatt decided he needed to be read Curious George Goes to the Hospital in the middle of the night (gotta love how the “attractive young nurses” are described in the book). Just adult fun with several other like-minded individuals where speaking about cards, Football (both kinds), and making obscure pop culture jokes won’t have that needle-scratching-on-record type effect to a conversation.

If I have one thing to take away from this trip is a happy spouse. She’s been my backbone thru some mud thicker then you’ll find that those $200 for a massage spas in Vegas (I know the cost because I’m footing the bill for her). Despite being on a heater for the past month, all I can think about is how she’s turned my life around with her change in attitude (and maybe me getting off my fat ass to be a more pro-active parent once Kyra was born may have a little to with that).

Marriage has been wondrous journey through a rainbow of emotions that span Pavarotti’s singing scale range. I can’t begin to describe depths of the lows (miscarriage and my work accident) or the highs (two beautiful kids), but I do know that she adds color to my bland life. Suburban dad who works at an office job during set hours doesn’t sound like a headlining thing to be, but it suits me. Granted I love to cut loose during momentary breaks like the Bash, or even a simple pleasure of hitting up a bar to view some football on four different screens with my friends Burnsie, E, Jay, and BJ. For the most point, my feet are firmly in the ground, I’m not looking to become employee of the year or advance to stratospheric heights at work nor will I become a roaming poker pro or move to Vegas to deal at a casino like I’ve wanted to.

I’m content with being Dave the deaf-mute who enjoys $1 prop bets on breast size of the waitress and still reads a story to each of his kids every night and watches the glow-in-the-dark stars while Wyatt rambles off his A-B-Cs for no particular reason.

Thanks for dropping by, now there’s 192 hours before I climb aboard a plane for another chapter of fun with a group of people that have gave this guy’s life the taste of freedom that I need once in a while.


Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Under Suspicion

My wife offered me two shows to go see in Vegas next week and I was a little surprised at her choices considering her distain towards all things that strip and dance.

Folies Bergere



Maybe I won't have to hit up Hooters for bOObies after all :) Review

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Monday, November 27, 2006

Apathy Is Spelled V-I-K-I-N-G-S

Everyone enjoying their turkey sandwiches for lunch today?

Twice on Thursday I finally fell into a spot on the floor where fluffy dreams started and abruptly came to a halt when Wyatt decided it was time for a hog pile. At least in hockey you’d get a few seconds before someone would cave in your midsection with the butt end of a stick. Three houses, two and a half meals served and demolished with extra gravy. A tradition came to a close as we didn’t visit my favorite aunt’s place with relatives that I barely see or know, but yet we could sit in content while the fireplace surrounded the Lions or Cowboys game with a warm, flannel blanket of heat to match the touch of cold in her basement. Not to mention some of the best mashed po-ta-toes in the state.

Despite the gluttony of several very large meals this weekend, I did manage to play a little poker on the intertubes with various successes. A win at the 2nd chance Mookie tourney was a surprise as I haven’t won a tourney in quite some time, yes I realize it was only ~20 people but a win is a win. I managed to hold onto the extra funds for exactly 15 minutes as I got happy feet while sitting in my usual PLO8 games and decided to push someone off their two pair/set on a draw heavy board despite the protest signs shouting “HELL NO WE WON’T GO!”. Sometimes it works, sometimes you end up looking like Jessica Simpson trying to figure out how to make frozen orange juice.

But it does allow you to get paid off on those big hands later on if the “experts” are watching. PLO8 is not a game of extreme skill; it’s a lesson on pot size management and having the gamble in you to push with big draws for maximum pay off. If you do bluff, make sure you’re in a game with a table full of nits (I’m sometimes guilty) that will fold two pair/set/lesser flush and understand the Omaha “draw to the nuts” mentality. But twice this weekend a piece of turkey and gravy got stuck in between the synapses that tell my brain to click on the “check” or “fold” buttons as I ran bluffs that went bad before I made the executive decision to “outplay” someone. Realistically, you don’t need to outplay people in this game, just bet when you have it, fold when you don’t and you’ll make a small profit from the game and clear any bonuses rather quickly that you may be working off. The skill part is knowing when your non-nut hand is good, and when your K-high flush or lesser full house is trash. But, if you’re just starting out playing this four card game, tight is right. Its not easy to toss these “monster” hands away or not try to bet them for value, but unlike Hold Em’ most of the time you’ll get shown the nuts if you call an oversized bet on the river.

Calling off chips is a big leak in my game that I’ve been trying to plug for a long time, the curiosity to see the villain’s hand or to validate my super elite world class ESP fantabulous card reading skillz I’ll call with a lesser hand sometimes (ed note: I do not have super elite world class ESP fantabulous card reading skillz, and even if I do correctly guess my opponents superior hand I’ll throw pot odds out the window to chase, somewhere Maigrey is itching to boot me from IRC chat again because of this).

Ok that’s enough poker for a bit, let’s talk Vikings Football.

They won.

Apathy set in for this fan two weeks ago while the mighty Vikes decided to belly flop through their “easy” part of the schedule. There’s no excuse with the talent they’ve acquired to not be a top tier team in the NFC (which is looking vastly inferior to the AFC). Even if the Run Taylor Left team does manage a couple of more victories and drunkenly stumbles into a playoff spot, I’ll watch, but I’ll be playing four tables of PLO8 or setting up Wyatt’s Thomas the Tank Engine board game while Childress is deciding on which side of the left hash marks Taylor should run on first and second down.

Even while tipping back overpriced beers at Dave and Buster’s yesterday, I paid more attention to my new wide receiver on my fantasy football team playing on a different screen then the “ohmygodpleasedontchoke” 31-26 victory over the Cardinals. A side note about Dave and Buster’s… fun but goddamn its expensive! While I hate that my childhood dirt bike path is now one big mechanized suburban monstrosity, its fun to give money to the bartenders with corporate regulated smiles and uniforms once in a while.

However, next time I’m hitting up a local bar with $2 taps, $1 wings, and waitresses that don’t wear spandex with a bun in the oven. I could almost hear the unborn kid shouting “HEY I DIDN’T MAKE HER WEAR THIS!”.

Thanks for dropping by, now there’s a very cool update by the lovely April about the WPBT Event in Vegas. Go now.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Just Because Its Saturday

Scotch does not go well with sour.

Losing two games in a row when you're the defending champs of a 16 team beer pong tourney, sucks.

Go Vikes?

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Do You Win By Losing?

Sleep has been a mild, infrequent luxury lately as the days to Vegas creep up on us. I foresee yet another blogger adventure with tales of taking down pros playing a stand up version of three card monty, blogger falls, and maybe a ride with Ricky the Oversexed Cab Driver.

I know by now most of us have met each other and if you feel like running in the opposite direction after I shout “BOOOOOOOOM HEADSHOT” at a no limit table, I don’t blame you (I’ll be reserving this celebration for some WPT-sunglasses wearing kid who read a poker book). Seriously, if you’re meeting up for the first time make sure you meet the people you want and some that you’ve never read. And prepare to write a trip report containing the phrase “I hate that I didn’t get to spend more time with ______”. It’s near impossible to hang with everyone for a block of significant time so find that blogger table of Pai Gow/Roulette, hang at the bar behind the MGM poker room, and definitely join the crowd for Storming the Cast…. oh wait the Excal sucks more cock then those women on the informational pamphets you’ll be handed by professional customer service representatives on the streets of the Strip.

We’ll find somewhere else to make fun of the locals.

I will not be around much since the wife is joining me on this trip, and we’re taking a much needed vacation from parenthood and responsibilities. Of course, I’ll be at the MGM on my birthday to buy out half the $1 chips at the poker room and may be coaxed into an alcoholic beverage or twelve.

The wife is a wild card depending on the Social Defcon level of Shy Wallflower to Paris Hilton, she may join us that evening and agreed to play Pai Gow (the only table game she’s played) or maybe even some sling some late-night dice at Casino Royale. She’s not the most comfortable person around new people, but since she’s seen/met a couple bloggers, the shyness ice may melt enough for her to have a good time. Unlike the last trip to Vegas she’s not pregnant this time, which made drinking around her kind of a killjoy and she’ll be able to enjoy the free drinks while playing the penny slots. And this time if you see me playing penny slots at 4am DRAG ME TO A TABLE GAME. Don’t encourage me to continue playing until I get the bonus round or Mr. Cashman.

Also, I’ll be rooting on “Too Drunk to Call” or “Mr. Otis” on Sunday morning/afternoon before our flight home at Mandalay Bay while sheepishly donning my Vikes jersey.

If there’s a tourney we’re hosting or crashing, you’ll find me and 2 hours of sleep shouting about how I finally won a coin flip and thanking a gracious Al for another shot of SoCo. Don’t forget to list bust-out prizes on your blog or even put a bounty on your favorite blogger. I’m still staring at the abomination of a calendar from busting Rini at the previous Winter Classic. Phil Hellmuth’s Poker Tip of Day: “Great Things Always Happen To Me” (perhaps expect support).

Tony Robbins should find a new career after poetic gems like that.

Time to plan folks, 15 days till touchdown, and remember Vegas is a town built on money so the scammers are out there, while security is tight don’t expect the Secret Service to protect your purse.

Thanks for dropping by, now if you haven’t met/seen me before above is a pic that Otis took of me attempting to be serious at a poker table. And if you "bad beat" me at the tables... expect the below one finger salute. Note the use of invisible internet sarcasm.

I just noticed this shocking upset over over-hyped Derek Jeter... Congrats to Justin Morneau for taking down the AL MVP award! A win for small-market teams mayhaps?

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Baby Saved by Reverend AlCanGoToVegas

We now return to normalcy on the internet.

Hat, Ring, Bandwagon

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Bacon is very hot when removing the strips of fatty goodness from the frying pan.

The equally hot topic going around our poker community on Ted Stevens’ intertubes is a new phenomenon that these engines of daily rants about being cut off by a chick on the Nicole Ritchie diet driving a cherry red Mazda Miata while gabbing on the phone to her friends about how she managed to get thru the day without updating her MySpace page can be profitable. Amazing how a couple years of rambling on about tips on feeding your baby, (projectile “garden vegetables” from Gerber doesn’t clean very well on a laptop screen), trip reports from the bathroom stall of The Boathouse, and bad poker advice could turn into a nice side income to keep the Captain Morgan flowing.

There’s a test of blogger meddle, to see if the people who stumble upon your daily/weekly musings hear the same voice that could be heard as you argue with your wife over the girls night out at the Scrap and Spa which suddenly quashed the regularly scheduled program of a home poker game with the guys. Are you a perfect, little snowflake? No, but to be a snowflake is much more important as people don’t want to read the same inane hand histories about how you lost $XX.XX because someone who didn’t read Miller, Sklanksy, and Jones didn’t fold “properly”.

As a reminder kittens are thrown into a microwave each time you rehash a bad beat story.

There are far more talented writers and wordsmiths jumping into the ReviewMe pool and rightfully so. The site offers all of us rouges of the electronic airwaves to join in their site and maybe carve out a few bucks for introducing some products in a tongue that your won’t find in the Sunday paper or on QVC.

Signing up was painless to say the least. By simply entering your name, home address, and blog address; ReviewMe instantly calculates how much your will be paid per review (including this one to review the site itself) by your Technorati, Alexa, and other page rankings. The FAQs section of the website gives subtle reminders not to hand out verbal hand jobs while offering your opinions on the customer’s products but rather to offer a neutral taste testers view of their wares.

The easy to use links help the most skittish blogger get over the techo-rabble that can come with linking up a new advertiser (can anyone help me with an “RSS feed”?).

Stop laughing.

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Thanks for dropping by, now check out ReviewMe and see if your blog is accepted. As a warning they do not accept all blogs as you need a certain “ranking” to receive the initial offer to review their site.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Flag Football

More Playstation 3 madness. Of course his drivel sounds better then the highest listed price on EBay this morning at a paltry $22 million.

I wish I could say poker was going well, but calling off chips yesterday that had no business sliding into the middle caused a winning session to go south in a hurry. I need help with that.

Kind of like my favorite football team sliding into 1st place!!!

Yes, yesterday the Minnesota Vikings professional football squad defeated their third opponent of the four part "easy" section of their schedule as predicted several weeks ago. As the 49ers and Packers in previous weeks yesterday's opponent, Jumpin' Joey and the Dolphins defense, got crushered by the Purple People Eaters' swarming pass rush and relentless calling of Chester Taylor run left.

Oh wait, I just re-checked and it seems that in the mist of counting to 15 Mississippi's before rushing the quarterback, the Vikes lost?!!?!?!?

Anyone know if the Minnesota Pike are going to make a comeback? Go Wild??? Actually, the Golden Gopher hockey team is plenty good to watch winning or losing because you can't predict the exact order of plays nor the outcome before the game even starts. Time to let the rookie come in coach, this season is hanging on by the edge of fading 21 outs with two cards to come, lets see what the kid can do. At least Taylor could take a few plays off from getting beaten to a pulp for those three yards a carry.

Thanks for dropping by, now I have some cake leftover from Kyra's baptism yesterday if anyone's hungry, drop by for a slice.

As for the blogfather.... Phoenix indeed. Yes, you are the one to blame for two years of misguided metaphors, blogging about diaper blowouts, and a few paid for trips to Vegas ;)

Thank you sir, hopefully I'll find you on top of a stack of phone books at a Vegas bar in three weeks.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Stitched Gash

Gary, Trip, and Jordan,

I'm 101% sure it wasn't the joke that it was meant.

I enjoyed all the DADI throughly and thank you guys for putting them together with the added hard work for acquiring sponsors and added goodies (one of which is going to pay for a christmas gift).

I am not "upset" nor do I blame anyone for my finish on the switch (I played badly as well by not adjusting). But it did cause me to make a couple of decisions differently which is the part that irked me.

Much like slb159 wrote in his blog "Drizz was at my table during the Stud8 event but I wasn't worried since this wasn't Omaha". I agree. Since I don't play Stud8 and only know basic strategy someone could easily exploit it.

But you guys already got this point, no sense in dragging this on or any need for more non-homosexual man-hugs over the intertubes.

Mistake corrected, lets get ready to tear apart Vegas :)

19 days.

Friday, November 17, 2006


I bubbled.

That's all I have to say.

And if you haven't seen this video on UpForPoker as a tribune to the sleeping midget. Go there immediately and not a second slower.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Signs That You Might Be A Dork

On a sliding scale of Dork-ism, this injury ranks just a tad behind the IRC debate on Battlestar Galacia last night.

"OMG OMG Video game Video game Video game... THUD"


Britney Spears Sex Video Not Found Here

I've seen The Bourne Supremacy too many times to count, so why do I keep watching it when I'm flicking through channels and can't muster the strength to change it? Anyone else have a soft spot for a movie that they develop a molasses remote finger to?

Much like the fact that I watched my chips slowly being drained while trying out the new Triple Draw tables at PokerStars last night, but couldn't get myself to click that big red X in the upper right hand corner. It was fun to draw one to a wheel several times and get the same card back or pair up with each draw, very different game that I'll need to brush up on before the bloggers invade Vegas.

In honor of Iggy's recent steps towards the cryogenic chambers to be restored with Austin Powers and Mike Meyer's career at a later date. I shall pimp the blogger tourney going on tonight.
Join the bloggers and whomever else stumbles into this vast pit of highly intelligent and highly intoxicated scribes as they prove that you don't need to have the ability to sit on a bar stool or go down stairs on your feet to play poker. But having the ability to piece together words of the English language like he does is priceless...
... but I wouldn't hesitate for one second to check-raise his dirty Grey Goose-tini sipping ass off his top pair with air. :)
Bring your peep sex tokens to Full Tilt tonight for some bad jokes, bad poker, and maybe see yourself on get berated the next day by screenshots, flames, and if you're lucky a tuff_fish type video by Waffles.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

A Virtual Back Rub

Don’t sweat the petty (fixed!) stuff, pet the sweaty stuff.

No, Wyatt you can’t watch Cars for the third time today until after dinner.

Yes, you still need to finish your chicken nuggets before you can play.

Yes honey, please take a couple intakes of air, I was going take out the trash but unfortunately I had to save that Hmong refugee family from the burning building before emptying the kitchen wastebasket.

No problem sir, please mull over the McDonald’s menu for another five minutes while I hold an irate toddler in my arms, especially since they recently added the McRib back into the ring. Don’t worry about the brass knuckles I’m currently pulling out of my pocket, you won’t feel a thing.

There’s a reason why spas and vacation spots make ungodly amounts of money, not in the range of Japanese baseball pitchers, but enough for a few extra flavor shots in their lattes at Starbucks. Most people put undue stress on their lives by blowing things up larger then they seem. That poster boy for a Budweiser commercial in the slightly rusted Ford F-150 and Calvin decal pissing on the word “work” cutting you off didn’t do it because of your horrible singing of “Hollaback Girl”. He probably was late for quarter wings and taps happy hour, or didn’t want to miss the dance off between A.C. Slater and Emmitt Smith. And after you pulled a Jeff Gordon-like draft and clip sending his truck into a side spin and subsequent rollover crash worthy of a NASCAR highlight film, you might want to consider why you did it.

Road rage is just an example of people flipping into the Bobby Knight zone of anger. Is missing a lay-up or a pick really worth the embarrassment of slapping a kid like a woman might if a guy took a little too long to stare at the new push up bra she purchased at Fredrick’s of Hollywood? Long live the General.

Pokerpeaker asked how I could be calm after losing a couple of hands on Monday that represented a decent chunk of my meager bankroll?

First, I admitted the mistakes were mine. If you can’t accept the fact that you are the one who hit the bet/raise/fold button or made the movement to declare your actions at the table, stop playing. You accept the fate of whatever pixelized or Copag cards come down once you announce your action. Or in Felicia-speak “blame yourself for being an idiot”.

Someone not in one of the hands that I got stacked on decided to rant about invisible dealer behind the virtual box for “setting me up” and the person who won the hand defended his play. This went on for a few minutes until finally I calmly said “I would have pushed with his hand too, I played my hand incorrectly” (which I did in hindsight, since I had top set of aces but I left myself open to all redraws since he mostly likely had a locked low). Surprisingly this shut down the tin foil beret kid and he went back to complaining about his own cards, eventually stacking off with two pair vs. a set with re-draws and earning a spot on my buddy list.

Another mistake was playing that high, as my bankroll can’t handle sustained swings at the $200 PLO8 level right now. But, if I’m not playing at a level that gives me a little excitement and I feel comfortable with the skill level, what’s the point of playing? That’s one I’ll have to chew on since playing a level too low (relatively) will cause me to play too loose and spew chips like Mike Matusow on a river bluff. Playing too high brings the unsustainable swings (not the pussy poker factor that I experienced at the FTOPS, tournament poker is a different story for me); I just don’t like seeing 25% of my bankroll lost due to bad play or an unfortunate final board.

So, how do I stay calm?

I do yell at the computer (as seen in Pauly’s suite at the Plaza during the WPBT event). But that usually last as long as a 13 year old boy discovering the wonders of an issue of Playboy for the first time. I don’t mull over the lost of chips, I reload and continue to play while replaying the hand in my head to see where/if I screwed up. If I feel steamed, I get up for a drink or sit out a few hands to watch Billy Blanks try to sell me his brand spankin new, digitally remastered version of Tae-Bo now on DVD!

You don’t need a lifelong affliction of hearing lost or bad head injury like me to become immune to any small breaking ball that life throws at you. To attain this level of not sweating small things like a bad river cards in poker, just remind yourself why you play. If it’s not fun or serious enough for you that night after the significant other and kids are in bed, go tidy up your favorite porn listings or sit down write something inane on your blog just because you can. Doing the things you want versus doing the things you “have to” is very refreshing to those with schedules, deadlines, and/or are responsible for others.

Even if it’s as small as sitting alone on your deck to watch the stars for a few minutes with cold Belgian ale.

Okay that’s enough introspection for a few months.

Thanks for dropping by, now score one for the good guys as Pauly’s message to Absolute was heard loud and clear.

And Lazarus shall come back from the grave, despite the post of the year by a drunken hippy.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Hmmmmm Fresh Muffins

I lost a stack and a half playing last night, but gained a free banana chocolate chip muffin (with chocolate drizzled frosting on top) this morning.

Karma? Or a sign that you shouldn't stack off in Omaha with a lesser full house while watching High Stakes Poker reruns and playing some stupid Scary Movie 4 game where you zap the clothes of the chicks?

Since I'm pretty blah this morning no crackling, stupid metaphorific sayings about my poker play or suburbia-hood, just a congrats going out to a fellow blogger and owner of the best-hairdo-after-drinking-all-night award (anyone have a picture of it?) from the 2005 WPBT event at the Plaza who proved that despite being able to play 47o from under-the-gun like a pro, you can't bluff biology.

Enjoy the new boobs :)

Monday, November 13, 2006

Purple Haze

I’m just not motivated to write today, my apologies to Jimi.

And I slept funny on my neck causing a special pain on par with a six hour case of blue balls.

But, didn’t you win some cash this weekend you may ask?

Yeah, but Brad Childress decided to ruin my post-sex afterglow by losing to the Packers in a slow Jigsaw created Saw-type death. Will he cut off his foot for a workable passing game? If given another 30 seconds will the pass rushers actually touch the quarterback, or do the offensive linemen from the land of Cheese and wonderful beer soaked Brats have to roll over laughing at the pathetic Vikings pass rush?

Steve - $10 coming your way on Full Tilt, or just wait till December and I’ll throw the money down on the ‘Boys for ya at Mandalay Bay.

This was supposed to be the second game of a four stretch that the mighty Purple People Eaters could waltz through on their way to a wild card game (the hibernating Bears woke up from their Dolphins fiasco). But no, they decide to punctuate their offensive ineptitude by slogging thru yet other game versus a horrible defense.

The sunshine isn’t gone totally as the poker roller coaster is climbing up a bit after my many attempts to break the limit O8 code have been thwarted. It’s sad that when I start a session, I blink and I’m down 5-6 BBs without even realizing that I played a hand. The cost of the education is hurting any profits that I do manage to squeak by with but the play of the average limit O8 villain make the games as tempting as clicking a pop up box for free midget porn.

According to my math-e-ma-ticks we have 24 days till we invade the land of five a.m. cocktails while staring at 85o. Go give April some lovin for getting our group of “special” persons together, I’m excited already to see ya’ll again.

Thanks for dropping by, now for some pimpin and congrats.

Pauly is currently invading the land of legal hash and hos but that doesn’t stop this issue of Truckin from hitting the virtual newsstands. Go get your copy now!

On the note of his site getting hacked by an Absolute Poker affiliate, please read his latest post, and hope that Absolute decides to clear this up without having to swap spit. I'll be throwing my two cents at them this afternoon if its not cleared up by then.

Big props to Speaker on yet another deep finish for a blogger in the FTOPS series at Full Tilt. He managed to outlast over 2,900 players of lesser intelligence and movie-star looks to go out to a pre-flop push monkey and score three times the buy-in.

Amazed as always sir.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

FTOPS Event #1 at Full Tilt

Starting music: "For Those About to Rock" AC/DC

Let's get it on.

- Half way thru the first break, made a play at a pot, lost but at least I didn't call off my chips with 8 high. It should be a crime to let people burn off chips without giving them to me.

- Tony Bennett pops into the iPod, a sign I'm playing too tight? Not drinking enough?

- Break #1, I'm siting on 49 whole chips more then a started with! Bust out the Cristal and bacon wrapped weenies for celebration

Break music: "Ice Ice Baby- Remix" Notorious BIG

- Big hand: AA78 flop T87, get called down after pre-flop raise and pot bet on the flop by trash that hits a straight on the river. Down to T1700

- Big hand: AA45 flopped A5K: Luckily KK67 pushes out a broadway making trailer. Back to solvent T5200

- Rafe Furst joins the table, should I play the Omahammer?

- Never mind Rafe decides Queens are good enough to push, he's gone I'm still lingering around T4300 at the second break

- Avril is on telling me "I Always Get What I Want", meaning I'm due for another double up, a nice Cap'n Coke, and only a slight rejection in bed tonight

- Big Hand: 2456 I pop it for a raise and catch a dream flop of A23, double to T7000 a little below par at this point. Twisted Sister tells me "I Wanna Rock" and I do

- Big Hand: From the land of golf and Haggis, Div lends some luck as my AAKJ nails a flush and I double up to par with 168 left, 99 cash

- Rock your bermuda shorts off... Britney Fox with "Girl School" keeps it sexy, a little below par now at T10000 and 27 to go to the money, five minute to the break

- File under "Stupid Thing You Shouldn't Have Done" tried for a steal, got caught, down to T7000 now 17 to the money with blinds at an oppressive 500/1000. Light a candle for me.

- Pussy poker alert, not liking having to "worry" about the cash. Hate having to give up semi-decent hands and play for the cash (which I really could use) 9 more to the cashola

- My legs are spread wide, its bubble time, god I hate pussy poker

- Winner winner chicken dinner!! Bubble busted and won a hand!! T8300

- Decisions decisions, LaTech +37.5 or some more Omaha? 87 left but now the chip leader has his ass parked right next to me

- Shout out to Pauly, Daddy, On THG, and Moooooooooookie dropping by. I'm almost in tears, I don't have a lot of good things happen to me, when they do I cheerish it. Thanks to all. 79 left, I'm scrapping the bottom.

- Nothing to push with sadly, but we're down to 66 now and AlCanPlayOmaha joins up

- Gone in 59th, doubled the entry fee which cost me a whole $6.70, dial-a-shot done with Al and BigMike thanks a bunch guys!!!!

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Trying To Be Part of the "In" Crowd

I saw Iak and Hoy claiming seats to the FTOPS at Full Tilt and decided at the last minute to throw a hardly earned token into the fray while I played a couple of blogger tourneys.

I made a quick final table appearance at CC's PokerWorks Thursday bash. Senor card rack took out my knee with those damn Hiltons. Pure artistry in motion he is, definitely turn the volume up on your hearing aids if he loans you a few pointers.

The Riverchasers tourney looked like a glitch at first, when I was seated with only one other individual. But alas, I managed to win two heads-up matches before getting ran over and falling 16th out of 90.

My stack meager. The tourney info board stated I was 23rd out of 23.

Then I hit a flush draw.

I bluff trips.

The car purrrrrred.

The seat bubble

Reverend Al blessed the table, and got the fuckin sand out of my vagina just in time.

Of course I celebrate by dropping my Leffe on my laptop. I rule.

An Extra Packet of Donkey Sauce

You just ran your 11,435th diaper genie bag out to the garbage.

Your clients decide today is the day I will be a total prick just because I can.

Your wife scowls at you for letting your son sleep in your bed, then he proceeds to toss and turn keeping the wife awake while you dream of WSOP bracelets and some double jointed stripper named Rain at Spearmint Rhino.

Every river card seems to get you closer to blood pressure red-lining and on the verge of breaking things (but to be fair there were several times I should have folded/stopped playing).

The shy kid with K-Fed's latest tracks feeding through his baby blue colored iPod in front of you at Arby's is trying coyly to make a play at the obivously not interested Lindsay Lohan-like cashier while you're waiting to order the 5 for $5.95 special and get home in time for the Matlock marathon. You refrain from offering sage advice to both of them such as: "Just tell her you want to bend her over the counter, nail her like the chicks from (definitely NSFW), and spread your special version of Arby's sauce all over her face and visor". Or "Just order your fuckin sprout Panini and go spend the next 15 years in therapy trying to figure out why you didn't at least try to ask her out"

I'm helpful like that.

But once in a while the world throws you a bone.

Thank you for accepting my post Full Tilt (bonus code: Drizz99). Once again you show me how much you rock despite my fishy poker playing ways. Maybe one of these days I'll be good enough to actually believe that I can consistently make a little coin at this game.

Thanks for dropping by, now go hit up CC's PokerWorks game tonight on Stars. After last night's session I need to cool off, so if I do show up at least bring the peppermint lotion for me. The burning sensation from last night's attempt to give away money still hasn't abated.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Blue Moon A-Rising

A small recap of last night:

Voted for Pawlenty due his views, voted Democrat for the rest

The orange chicken with fried rice was passable

Doyle Brunson will take the 25th District Judge seat in Minnesota, toke me later Dolly

One former NFL player won...

... One did not

I won a token at Full Tilt

Even at 5:00pm I had to wait in line to vote, god bless America for coming out to do so. I haven't seen the percent of voters count yet, but I'd be willing to bet on it being higher then recent elections.

Cheeseheads hate gays, but love a good execution

I lost with KK, QQ, and 99 in consecutive hands (all favored) to go from big stack to out in a tourney. Rigged!

A sign that America's democracy isn't dead just yet

Otis tips back the Dom, calls for G-Vegas regulars to take a limo ride (I'll raise a Mott's Apple Juice drink box towards South Cackalacky since I can't afford the bubbly, and hope that Lil' Otis gets over his sniffles soon)

Thanks for dropping, now even if you're a die-hard Republican you have to like what happened last night. America spoke through their votes. Whether the change is good or bad, will be determined in the upcoming months/years.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Show Off Your "I Voted" Sticker!

Today is the big day kids. It’s time to take your Frist-fucking anger to the polls. Show the incumbents that their days of a cushy passing of morally right bills and pork projects are numbered.

One party nor the President should shoulder the blame of an abused system, should we believe that sticking a bunch of Democrats, regardless of their platform be the answer?

No (and I'm not a Democrat nor a Republican).

Make sure you are making an informed decision today before confusing the vote counters in Florida. Go a little beyond those annoying political TV ads that interrupted your “Sex and the City” marathon. Read their websites and vote on the person you feel will make a change.

People who read here probably enjoy playing poker and are outraged by the UIGEA (Unlawful Internet Gambling Enforcement Act) passage. Remember that the House passed such measures without the stuffing the law into the 400 pound gorilla known as the Port Security bill. While ignoring international organizations such as the WTO, Frist and his cronies went over the heads of several countries and American citizens to pass a law that catered to the “morally right” claiming “gambling is bad”.

Well, selected gambling of course.

If wanted to blow my live savings chasing the Breeder’s Cup Pick 6 last weekend on or, that was certainly ok. If I wanted to wallpaper my house with losing scratch off and Powerball tickets purchased from the internet, that was certainly ok. In the next few months, up to the 270 days waiting period, we’re going to hear from a gaming company like Harrah’s or MGM Mirage on how they’re working with the government to produce online poker (and possibly casino) sites to be regulated. In fact the rumors are already swirling out there (props to the PokerProf).

Cooler heads would have taken a step back, and looked at ways to regulate the industry instead of the defiant “WE ARE THE USA, WE WILL DO WHAT WE WANT” snub towards those countries that already regulate (and reap rewards from) online poker and casinos. Granted they did not ban the actual game play, just the lifeline to the game play. Poker is played for money, plain and simple. From those mixed card games like guts, maverick, 7-27, Chicago, Follow the Bitch with your buddies on your poker night; to the nickel stud games you played growing up (my great-grandmother would have lowered a shotgun at your head if you dared to leave the table without paying her the fifteen cents you lost). Simply stated there is no poker without money, and with the passage of the UIGEA they will attempt to kill this hobby/job/pastime that we share.

That’s why it is important to vote today. Do not put up with this type of governing body that passes bills that does not consider the consequences nationally and internationally. Vote for a Senator or Representative that will listen to all of the groups, not just the ones who gave the most money or the groups that are “morally right”.

Thanks for dropping by, now please take this “should you vote or not” quiz and make me feel stupid by getting a perfect score versus my 94.52%.

Monday, November 06, 2006

It's a Mad Mad Mad World

Troy Williamson.

May I have a word with you for a moment?

Thank you.

Imitating Featherstone from Necessary Roughness is not a way to earn street cred in the NFL. Try not to get too many splinters on the bench. I'd start saving your paychecks until you decide to figure how to carve those ham hands into a size to catch a NFL pigskin.

The Vikes weren't the only ones effected by this full moon bizzaro NFL weekend.

Bears looked mortal AT HOME. Losing the game wasn't the worst part, Urlacher going down is.

Lions actually looked like a football team, and "Fire Millen" supporters will need to wait till next week for a rally cry.

Tom Brady decided it was a better idea to throw to the other team.

The Packers lost. Actually that's not that unbelievable and made me smile a little despite my horrible golf outing pre-game.

Cleveland covered despite the conspircy to beat the spread by going for two with three minutes left and a twelve point lead. Mr. Frye my wallet thanks you, maybe I'll buy you an ice cream cone at McDonald's if you're ever in the area. Sprinkles added if you bring a cheerleader.

VanderChoke needs to go back on the bottle, or maybe grab some pills from T.O.

And to keep with the full moon scene, I won a little playing poker again this weekend (note to variance gods, hold off on the spankings until after Vegas in 31 days).

Thanks for dropping by, now did anyone go see Borat this weekend? I'd like a review before viewing most glorious movie from Kazakhstan.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Vikings Pre-Game With Drizz

Pre-game Beer

Pre-game Post-drinking Hair

Pre-game Gear

Pre-Game Warmups

Friday, November 03, 2006

Quads Good, Slots Bad

Bankroll Tip #423:

Having Kings hold up in a 5 way capped pot is good. Blowing your winnings on penny slots because your ride didn't want to go home is bad.

I found live poker to be extremely rigged, in four hours I saw quads hit twice (once by yours truly with my favorite hand) and a flopped straight flush. Since Canterbury only allows $1 chips at the $3/$6 game, my $150+ pot with Kings managed to cover half the table in chips.

Can't wait for the next chance to play live in Vegas :)

Have a good weekend folks!

This is how all Omaha HUs SnGs should go:

Welcome to Pine Valley, Drizztdj
This tournament has started.
High card gets the button
Drizztdj gets the button with the Ace of Diamonds
Tournament level 1. Blinds $5.00/$10.00
10 hands left to the next level

Starting hand #426673235
GreenBagz shows a Flush
Drizztdj shows a Full House, Kings full of Threes
GreenBagz shows a Flush

Hand 426673235:
Drizztdj wins main pot($2,000.00)
GreenBagz finished in 2nd place
Drizztdj finished in 1st place and won $10.00
Drizztdj finished in 1st place and won $10.00
This tournament has ended.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Its Not the Destination, Its the Journey

$2.31 will buy you the following...

- Enough for two junior bacon cheeseburgers and a small donation to The Dave Thomas Foundation.

- A pack of titanium-infused Yu-Gi-Oh cards (what happened to my 25 cent pack of Donruss cards with hopes of getting a Ryne Sandberg Diamond Kings card???). At least the porn has improved at Shinders but you still feel like pervert going through the squeaky saloon styled swing doors on the way to viewing esteemed periodicals such as Juggs, Hustler, and Score.

- A Red Bull sans vodka and a local paper with tips on the health effects of colonic cleaning at the local Superamerica. Complete with a smile from the cute geek girl behind the counter.

- Package of baby wipes for excessive use the next time your spouse fails to mention she fed the spawn prunes the previous day and you wondered where that smell was coming from on your day off with the kids.

- A Minnesota Twins 2006 Division Champs T-shirt.

I’m 101% sure if you were to pull my stats they would give you the gory details of how much I’ve lost playing tournaments. I enjoy the cash games despite the bottomless variance swings, as the only stop-loss device for the cash game player is not reloading. Tourney players don’t score as often, much like a bench player in the NBA, but when they do you can be fairly sure that their leggy conquest is greater then a nightly win for the cash game specialist. Sure you’ll see the occasional 10 buy-in win from someone playing on a rockin table and getting slapped upside the head with the deck, but when you win a tourney you’re usually pulling in 20X-100X your original buy-in.

You could make the argument of the tortoise and the hare in that they both reach the finish line around the same time but do so in different ways. Read some of the archives on the blogs out there, and you can see the difference in relaying the results of their advancement in this sadistic game we play. Look beyond the narrative, and focus on how they describe their feelings on a daily/weekly/monthly basis. Granted with writers like Speaker and Otis you’ll want to stop to smell the flowers, and by all means the Gardenias will send your olfactory senses into bliss. But, look beyond the carefully crafted words and see the highs and lows play out before you give up because the coin flips haven’t gone your way (*raises hand* very guilty) or those darn Aces didn’t make it to the finish line when the tortoise hit his gutshot straight draw.

If you’re a tourney specialist, realize you’re not going to win every night and will generally have a batting average and strikeout total near someone like Rob Deer or Cecil Fielder. But when you hit that ball, its going a long way and usually worthy of a Cristal bath, a Playboy playmate or two feeding you a plate of caramelized bacon and weenie wraps. The cash game specialist is going to emulate a Pete Rose or Tony Gwynn putting the bat on ball several times a game getting several singles, maybe throw in the occasional gapper for a double or triple. They also go through streaks of broken bats and Ozzie Smith-like defensive plays that rob those wins, but those streaks generally do not last as long.

I’m certainly guilty of not handling my swings well enough to be considered emotional stable toward this card game. Then again, I seriously question the emotional stability of anyone who takes this game with more then a grain of salt. If I told Mark Kennedy of the Minnesota Senate race he had a 81% chance to win on Tuesday at 7pm and suddenly when the polls closed at 8pm Amy Klobuchar won based on poker players flooding the ballot boxes when they found out Kennedy endorsed the original House bill on banning online gambling, do you think he’d continue in politics? Let’s hope not, closed mindedness towards evolving something that could benefit many states, instead of taxing the banking and financial resources necessary to enforce such laws shouldn’t be tolerated.

Over time the “beats” don’t seem like “beats”, just variance rearing up or not looking at how the money got into the middle before launching a Parental Advisory sticker worthy rant. I was down for the evening last night as my granite-like PLO8 table could barely make the pot big enough to rake (I even tried raising preflop three times in a row with crap cards and they still folded their way into a poker coma), and some Razz hands were just uneventful versus losing big to bad draws by myself.

All that was left was The Mookie which I managed to carve out a fifth place finish despite a momentary lapse in judgment at the end. According to my spreadsheet, I haven’t cashed in my last 12 MTTs and a nice 4.5X buy in pull, helped to erase some of that red ink. Granted I’d rather win 4.5X my buy in at PLO8, but throw in the fun of the bloggers and blogger railbirds and you get something back that won’t show up on your ledger.

And it’s probably worth more then the $2.31 that I won last night.

Thanks for dropping by, now please get up to the plate and knock one out. I love reading about things like Smokkee’s latest running over the live tables with sizable wins or Daddy knocking one out to biker chicks.