(AP) - Detroit, Michigan
*In a stunning turn of events Cleveland Cavaliers forward LeBron James has decided to leap across professional sports and signed this morning with the Detroit Lions. The announcement came during the third hour of the "LeBron James Nokia Open Press Conference" sponsored by McDonald's just as they were going to show that highlight of James hitting a game-winning shot for the 16th time, James approached the stage set up in an undisclosed area of Detroit for fear of potential gate crashing by people frustrated from living in Detroit.
"I have dream..." began the 6-8 250 lbs. man who averaged nearly 30 points a game last season but managed to lose to a team that comprised of the 1978 All-Star team in the conference semifinals. "And that dream is to draw Barry Sanders back to the Silverdome" continued James. Quickly someone corrected He Who Thinks Too Highly Of Himself and told James that the Lions play at Ford Field the aloof All-Pro said "Ford? Damn, I gots five of those in my fourth house's garage collecting rust, horrible pieces of *bleep*".
When asked what position James would play his manager Quincy Cuzo took the mic and explained his client "will be required to touch the ball 85% of the time while on offense and Matt Stafford would just have to suck it up". No word if James has ever played football as researchers are hitting the phones of all Pop Warner and other junior league coaches from the Akron, Ohio area for the past 20 years.
Local Lions fan Rusty "Mad Dogg" Knutz who neighbors describe as "nails are as tough as him" had this to say: "As long as I gets my McGriddle in the morning LeBob James can be mayor for all I care". A mixed Knutz was asked to clarify his statement: "Oh, he's gonna play for the Lions and he's not a wide reciever?!? hell it's time to show my Lions PRIDE" as he ripped open his unknown brownish substance t-shirt revealing a Lions logo which took up his entire chest. The writer of this story refused Mr. Knutz's offer to show myself where the southernly pointing tail ended.
James is expected to sign for the deed to half of Detroit and "whatever cars have not been broken into" within that area. No word on Brett Favre's reaction to this story.
*if you think any of this is true I suggest falling down three flights of stairs for clarity