Again, didn't we do this just a few minutes ago?

Like begging the significant other for seconds the morning after...  Drizz did it again, after final tabling a small PLO tourney on and then this on the site that I've been donating my second paycheck to all year...

Ok I didn't get Megan Fox but in my current state WHY NOT!  I'm f'in hot dammit!  Yeah, I'm suburbanite making shit per hour with two kids and going to school but hey I knows how to play the pokers!  Ok, again maybe not but I do bust thru once in a while.  Like below (boring brag below, no more titties for you!)

Don't tell you love me, I. don't wanna knoooooooooooooooow.  Sorry I'm in my 80's hair band mode and Night Ranger hit my stick becaus they rock EVEN THOUGH YOU MAY DISAGREE!  You want to see my name up top right?  Ok then.  Without further adieu, or Favre's average sized penis...  here's we go:

ME-FUCKIN-OWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!  That's right I don't suck at poker for one whole night!  Kids are getting up in an hour and I need to go retrieve an energy drink because I'm screwed if I don't since I agree to read Hooper Humperdink at my daughter's pre-school in a few hours.  Speaking as a degen should wake up the kids?  Good grief I think I'm just a bit lame for staying up this late BUT DONKEY WISHED TO GIVE MONEYS AND I TAKES IT!

I'm done.  For now.  No more penis.  Or carpet cleaner.  Need an energy, or some spare meth.  Otis talks about such things, maybe I should inquire.  Or not. I like pie.  Good morning VIETNAM!    Yeah, I'm screwed.

Last to the party, still leaves with the hottie

I final tabled a tourney last week (possibly, maybe, don't know) anyway after watching Lady Gaga for the 16th time today while eating a box of Cheerios with hopes of soaking up my party for one last night I fired up Full Tilt after a running my mother to Grand Casino Hinkley as an upcoming birthday present.  Why yes I played slots next to women chain smoking Virgina Slims while wearing enough make-up to paint my son's second grade class as clowns for Halloween in a few weeks.

Won at slots, won with kids who enjoyed their $15/hour babysitter which included Skid Row's reminder that she ooooonly seventeen SEVENTEEN working the desk and asking if I'd like her to put my penis someplace around that severely stretched polo shirt.  After remembering that my mom was five feet away and I'm married and don't wish to go to jail or be that creepy old guy who hits on high school chicks with their mothers sitting in close proximity, I took the wristband with my children's name on it without further incident as there was some gambling to do.  Slots, slots, and more slots after seeing a sad dealer with no players at the Pai Gow table.  Pai Gow normally a degenerate activity goes to level 23 if you play alone, besides my mom needed me to needle her by winning on every other spin while she plunked down twenty after twenty while chasing Mr. Cashman.

After padding the WPBT trip roll a bit, being disappointed that Ms. Jail Bait had been replaced by a cross between Velma and Grimace, and taking down the prime rib buffet that actually doesn't suck it was time to bring the kids home and straight to bed.  "No, no booze tonight" said my body so I jumped into a play chip PLO8 game with Bluff's newest all-star KevMath and TheKeyLime.  Needed little something, I spotted my new favorite $3.5K guarantee Rush PLO8 rebuy tourney in late regs.  I almost missed the cut off but managed to plunk down two shiny dollars in time. 

Three hours later I walked a lad through the ropes of making a three-way deal...

I wonder if this is the other side of variance that I haven't seen for a couple of years.  Any how, happy.  Much.  Still not going to drink anything heavier than cherry flavored kool-aid. 

Never bet against a drunk

As noted I purchased my flight earlier in the night before getting my drink on.

I play good poker while under the influence occasionally.

Note Mr. Craig's finish in 10th, I got my first Pro bounty in four years playing at Full Tilt :)  This paid for the trip I couldn't afford easily just five hours ago.  The donkey drunk gods have provided as I start to play Rush Poker cash, and lose a flopped  straight to a rivered  boat that called all-in on the turn.

$1 to everyone and something pretty for Maigrey at Sephora.

Off to the trailer/cabin this weekend for guy's weekend and come home for a night of fun at PokerStarsBlog starting off with the Battle of the Planets, then Sunday Warm-up, and finishing with the Audi TT giveaway:  Turbo Takedown.

Peace folks.

PLO: I Fail To Suck

Chopped first last night for I don't know how much, but another win and a burnt handle of Captain Morgan.

Thank goodness I have an understanding wife and such good friends. Shit stairway to heaven had to come on while typing this.

Now I'm in tears, I love you all!

"Mixed Game Specialist" Wins

Not sure why I stayed up, or what I was thinking but cashed in HORSE tourney, still running in a $2 rebuy and managed to do this:

Went out in the $2 Rebuy "luckily" catching TT when the chip leader had jacks. Meow.

I'm such a pussy. See you tomorrow night/morning at the WCOOP.

Self-Proclaimed Specialist Specializes

Finally.

Kat (and Jo) Dragged Me In

I flopped a Royal in a PLO8 cash game and got paid $2.

I played a $1 rebuy tourney and got this:

Its Time for the Great Minnesota Get Together

I thought it was an urban legend regarding the gross overpayment of supplies for our men and women in the armed forces. This story ain’t coming from Snopes folks, and basically it’s the EBay trick of buying the item for a fraction of the cost and charging you the item’s cost for shipping. Except the shipping cost for these nineteen cent items included a couple Porsches, beach house, and a few Happy Meals at McDonald’s for good measure.

Can any bloggers play poker? Chalk up two more big final table scores for Absinthe and LuckBox Bayne. Me? I racked up an impressive 40th out of ~600 runners in a one dollar rebuy tourney! Sadly, I lost the last longer bet to Speaker who drank his way to a higher finish.

It’s a sarcasm thing again folks, I do it once in a while speaking of poker since my poker resume reads more like Stan from overnight at Home Depot trying to “move up” to a cashiering position so he can drool over the unattainable blonde Kassie who’s more worried about her three boyfriends coming into the store at the same time versus noticing the thousand dollar impact wrench the gentlemen is sneaking out in his cart under the five dollar piece of plywood.

Or maybe the thief thought he was shopping at the Pentagon…

Its not stasis as I routinely push for playing a little higher once-a-week, except in the tournament realm (minus the WSOP) where I am firmly in the low stakes bracket and there to stay since stringing together 4-5 hours of free time is only available one night a week, and playing “serious” poker isn’t on the agenda for that night. Ugh. I just sounded like one of those guys who sues a bar for getting drunk and totaling their car didn’t I?

I play a high variance cash games like PLO and PLO8 6-max, yet I can’t justify spending more then $26 on a tournament and even that carries a three drinking minimum with enablers like those chatting away about pubic hair shaving on IRC. I believe someone wrote about “playing games that are familiar” while building that bankroll and keeping the stakes low when “having fun” at things outside of your profitable game. Which I do, but when I looked at my ROI % in Omaha tourneys at Full Tilt it gets me to thinking that perhaps I should push for a poker night that I can start a little earlier in the evening to take some shots before the two tax deductions are shuffled off to bed under dreams of CHEESE CURDS AT THE STATE FAIR ON FRIDAY WHOO WHOO! Would Lindsay Lohan eat a cheese curd? Just wondering.

Or perhaps I’m content with winning a little here and there, moving up levels with the speed of a three toed sloth but being profitable along the way. And if it gets me back to the poker tent at the Rio next year for the WSOP, does it matter?

Thanks for dropping by, now if you love bacon in a way that it turned your uppity neighbor chalk white after seeing that g-string you fashioned from the 5 pound maple smoked thick cut bacon fresh from the butcher’s shop while getting the morning paper…

… hop or oink for that matter, over to AlCantHang’s for the writing contest designed for those who dream in pig latin.

Two Wins Is Twice as Nice

I'm offically in the Twilight Zone. Enter at your own risk.

Becoming A Poker Blogger Again?

I think I've pounded out more pokery stuff in the last two weeks then I have all year. Now you may ask, why is Drizz up at 2:30am knowing full well his wife will wake him up at 5:30am to attend to the kids?

Was he drinking with Daddy and Speaker while donking away his meager online roll?

Surfing Redtube for midget fisting porn?

Mezmerized by the Ronco chicken flipping over and over?

Nay.







Because I had to bring one home for the good guys, and April :)

Kryptonite

I failed once again to gain points while playing in the Hoy last night, mainly from stellar plays that resulted in getting short-stacked and resorting to a suckout just to play on for another thirty minutes.


Amazingly, I was still participating in a small buy-in PLO8 tourney by the time I managed to push JJ into QQ and unceremoniously exited the blogger's realm and leapt back into a bigger donkey pit.



Only these guys don't joke, and were dead set on wagging their e-penises around while flaunting Sharkscope and Officalpokerranking numbers. I'd be willing to bet their work uniforms still smelled like day old McGriddles and industrial strength floor cleaner while berating the big stack for pummling the competition into submission.


No, that wasn't me wielding any four cards with a Trump Tower sized chip stack and winning.


I did the exact opposite of my "F" game that was shown in front of well-respected MTT bloggers, and Waffles. I played patiently with just a hint of granite, sweetened by some timely bust outs to make a little money on the night after realizing I was out of tier one tokens and had to buy directly into the Hoy. $26 may not seem like much, but as I've mentioned several times, I don't like playing tourneys in the first place and any tourney buy-ins above $5 could be better spent on Wii gadgets like this. But, throwing $100-$200 at a coin flip in a cash game is perfectly acceptable!


With 23 left, the payout grid noted I had to play 6th to break even for the evening. Sitting 8th for the start of the final table didn't improve my outlook as the Twinkies to my left were getting ready to implode in extra innings. In the basement some unfolded jeans, spring jackets, and panties awaited my departure from the micro tourney, but they would have to wait until...

I lost to the huge chip leader somewhere north of April 23rd bleeding into today. But, 2nd of 154 doesn't suck.



Hopefully this variance reversal last a little while longer because I'm getting dangerously close to an amount that would allow me to spend a few days with some invisible internet friends during the WSOP.







Thanks for dropping by, now drop by Pokernews and give Pauly, Change100, Flipchip, and Amy some love as they tackle the WPT Championship!

Riding The High Tide In

American Idol was popped on to both my ear's dissatisfaction to receive the fork-on-chalkboard sound of Sanjaya. Excuse me sir, New Kids On the Block called and little Joey wants his outfit back, but keep the inability to hold a tune.

Can you get booted for being the one solid performer on the show? Simon was right to point out that Melinda should quit the Minnesotan-type bashiful "aw' shucks it ain't nuttin'" attitude and acknowledge she is the best without hitting diva territory. Maybe those years as a backup singer have scarred her from blossoming to the performer she could be because she doesn't want to turn into that type of person.

I'm changing careers in a matter of a few weeks and all I'm typing out is some TV show where viewers intend on continuing the joke (except last week where he finally earned his way to move on) of keeping the chameleon of Bangladesh on the show.

Avoidance, misdirection, deep breaths, family time, and some poker and porn sessions will suffice as I saunder through the work day while being viewed as some sort of sick puppy with those cute eyes that make you want to babble some baby talk while scratching its ears. I'm usually one to roll with the punches but taking the frying pan to the face yesterday left a bacon-scented greasy residue and it will take some time to trust again while pouring over my new T.P.S. reports.

Its ironic that I choose yesterday to wear my "company colors" to work, and left the building with a feeling of violation. Don't get me wrong, I'm graceful and actually optomistic about the new position (despite it being a small demotion) but suddeness of the three different departmental meetings yesterday and sitting through them with people casting stares in your direction like you just popped a zit on them, wasn't my idea of a solid work day. Thus ends the work rant, back to business as usual.

On the poker side, I continued my little streak of three final tables in four days with another late cash in a $20 90 man SnG last night. With Matty pointing out that my opponents have managed to defeat the laws of mathematics and lost well over 100 buy ins to $10 and $20 SnGs, I figured my chances were fairly good for a shot at the $500+ pay day. But, the fateful hand came down three handed, and I'd like you weigh your expert opinions if you will (I don't do this often so if you come here for poker content, enjoy):

Blinds 750/1500/100 (ante might be slightly different)

Effective stacks:

Button (the charming, dashing, and frankly looks goofy with his new contacts in, your hero): 68,000
Sharkscope Donkey: 120,000
Push Monkey: 113,500

Reads: Donkey has managed to suckout his way to the final table and the chip lead by hitting several draws after CALLING all-in on three different occassions. But, he has shown the ability to fold to aggression.

Push Monkey was just gifted his stack by another equally large stack by pushing pre-flop with A9o and getting called by 55. He has one move post-flop and that is to push despite having nearly 100BBs.

I raise with a pot bet from the button as I have a couple of times with non-premium hands that are better suited for doubling down at the Rio's six deck blackjack tables, but this time I am looking down at AcKc. Donkey folds, and Push Monkey elects to call.

Flop is: Kd Qc 7d

Push Monkey sees a banana and starts a Tarzan yell while spamming his all-in tab on the betting screen. After watching a couple of other players in the tournament do this with any pair, any draw, and watching this opponent continually shove his chips in like a Maury-show guest that just found out he is the 23rd guy to be tested negative for the trailer trash's kid's paternity do you call here?

Forget range of hands, EV, and that time you walked by the women's dressing room at Kohl's and catching a small glimps of the Lindsay Lohan (pre-preztel stick figure) look-a-like trying on a new bikini, and can you give him credit here for having more than just one pair based upon his inability to keep his dick in his pants?

Do you fold and look for a better spot? We can certainly do so, since our stack size is fairly large with respect to the blinds and eventually you know your opponents will shove pre-flop and race off their chips thus leaving you at a probable 4:1 disadvanage heads-up.

There I wrote about poker again, should suffice until after the mOOOOkie tonight. See you then.

Thanks for dropping by, now I'd like to thank you all for the kind words of encouragement over the past few weeks. The emotional roller coaster has been flatened out by the IMs and comments thus keeping me even keel through the highs and lows, and I'm a better person due to it.

Big Game, Big Win

I checked with my bookie this weekend about taking Santana at home versus the lowly Tampa Bay Devil Rays on the run line.

"Bet the house and get me some Shrek fun fruit!" exclaimed the diminutive arm breaker

Fortunately the wager was fictional as paying for a trip to a train museum and there’s no such thing as wagering on sporting events over the internets. I had to pay that sinister toddler looking man-child pictured to the left whom laughed his way to the Jackson Street Roundhouse after the Cy Young award winner decided to leave a few change-ups hanging thus losing the game for the Twinkies.

At least the Thomas the Tank Engine videos were fun to watch with free chocolate milk and M & M cookies on Sunday morning as we beat the crowd and enjoyed a little history lesson of the St. Paul based roundhouse upon the old steel horses. After a quick nine with my friend Burnsie, who only enjoys my easy money on the golf course, we set out to meet up with family for some overpriced arcade fun at Dave and Busters.

A question on tipping etiquette: we had a party of about 14 people including three kids that were well-behaved despite the siren sounds of tickets being extracted from the various games of skill in the arcade. Our bill had an 18% gratuity charge, standard and not an issue as it was well-deserved. Does the waiter receive this, or does the tip go to the house? I tipped above the amount anyway due to the waiter’s lack of corporate robotism as seen on previous trips, but if I hadn’t tipped I wanted to make sure he was rewarded for answering in-depth questions from Wyatt about the restored Pac-Man game that stood only a first down away from his seat at the table.

After grabbing enough tickets to purchase must have items such as a Star Wars lightsaber (over/under for knocked down pictures is set at three days) and a couple of Care Bears for the little one, we headed back home where I was ready to cheer on my fellow bloggers in the Big Game (hosted by Miami Don).

Kyra was dancing around due to the overload of lights and double shots of Rumple Mintze but settled in with her newly acquired stuffed animals and slept like, well, a baby. My computer showed a couple of IMs from a pair of fellow degenerates asking if I was playing the tourney this evening. I assumed the tourney started at 7:30 because that’s what Microsoft Outlook said, my thanks to Billy G. in Washington! With a few “stitch it ups” and “just give the kid a tranquilizer dart” I managed to read thru half of the Cat In the Hat’s antics with promises of finishing this evening while pre-registering for the tourney.

Defending Champ Pauly, Miami Don, Blinders, Iakaris, TABLE CHANGE! Then again, this is what the Big Game was supposed to do, bring out the bloggers for a chance at a decent sized cash and “serious” poker. Yes, I played the hammer for a raise. Yes, I played the mOOOOOkie for a raise.



And yes, I managed to chop 1st after it was all done and took the 1st place points for the bloggerpokerchallenge as I apologize for not knowing my fellow players whom I chopped with.

One flip, one suckout, and one resuck that’s all the action packed recap I can muster, as I’ll leave tourney reporting to the pros, and stick with things I know like skulling a lob wedge so badly someone asked what gauge was the shotgun I fired after an approach shot.

And after losing a good chunk of change on Saturday after another failed attempt to grasp limit O8, it put a smile back on this “poker” blogger’s face another as wide as the bookie’s picture above.

Thanks for dropping by, now if the other players in the chop could forward their links I’ll post em up as my two readers will send countless hits to your websites :)

Edit:

Mike Maloney (not from Police Academy!)

Crazgamer

Anyone know the clown?

Blogger Big Game

If you feel like taking Miami Don's money, hop on over to Full Tilt tonight for the "Blogger Big Game" at 9:30 pm EST.

The price of admission is one jumbo $75 peep sex token.

And the hits keep coming, I managed a 4th in the $2 MTT rebuy at Full Tilt last night (ending north of 3am) so I'm nice and awake to perform the duties of a godfather to my sister's kid's baptism today!

Hope I don't start muttering something about my poor NCAA bracket performances. R.I.P. Dooooookies.

Edit: I cannot play the Stars' Sunday Million and have $215 in tournament dollars up for sale.

SOLD!!!!

What's Next? Nailing Jessica Simpson?

This is becoming a bit too much to handle.

Its All About The Angle of the Dangle

Did I finish 1st or 24th?





Avert your eyes from the boobies

After a solemn night at the cash game tables and bleeding off my early stacking of someone with a wrap straight + flush draw versus a set, and eventually ending the night on a losing note due to technical difficulties at Full Tilt, I single tabled the above tourney to see if concentration would help tune my luckbox for the evening.

It did.

"I've already won the tourney since Al dropped by"

- Me while 7th out of 7 people left at the final table

Three luckbox moments and about an hour later I take home the hammerific $72.00 first prize and start planning a new wing to the house with full-service french maid doing french maid things in a french maid outfit.

For the 35 people who played, you can blame slb159 for informing me that the second chance Wheatie was going to be worth getting three hours of sleep for. Money-wise it probably cost me more then the winnings due to staying in a juicy game until Full Tilt's hamster wheel servers crapped out, and slowly bled me of my winnings earlier in the evening. I feel for you guys working there with all these problems, but it damn frusterating on the user's end with these service regurgitations. I continue to hope for the best for our boys working in Dublin.

Thanks for dropping by, now its time for March Madness to begin!!!

Marshmallow Horseshoes and Nine Essential Minerals and Vitamins

I’m too lazy this morning to check on Brd’s and Iak’s progress in the FTOPS main event from last night. After watching Brd’s luckbox get set to 11, I figured a high finish was in order.

Is it ok to crack a smile on a Monday morning?

The poker tables were kind to me this weekend as I managed to squeeze a slightly larger then usual win from some very tight PLO8 tables at Full Tilt (Average pot $9?!?!), and avoid the huge variance swings at the rocking 6-max tables at Stars. Suddenly the scraps I have left from the recent cash out are starting to turn into a workable bankroll again, and I won’t have to suffer (bad slide notwithstanding) the salt mines of the $25 and $50 games. Normally I advocate playing those soft lower limit games, but they have turned granite hard recently and finding the juicy games have been few and far between. Absolute has shown some promise, but as soon as I see a juicy game the regulars swoop in like groupies on Tommy Lee’s oversized purple mushroom and suck off the fish before I get the chance to win a little for myself.

Hopefully this uptick of luck and bad players last long enough to get me a plane ticket and hotel room for a trip I’m planning in the fall, especially since I’m told wheelchairs will be made readily available.

Lee Jones. Make it happen sir. And thank you for the ease of cashing out this past week.

Does anyone watch NASCAR besides Chris “I Forgot How To Blog” Halverson? Did Tony Stewart get Busched, or the other way around? And it was anti-climatic for Viagra pitch man Mark Martin as NASCAR’s answer to Phil Michelson finished inches from satisfying his sponsors. When you stop booing the bad puns, read on.

Has anyone done some volunteer work lately? I haven’t and dropping by a local nursing home this past weekend to spend time with the old folks might be a reason why I’m wide awake this morning and not hating the data-entry laden day I have ahead of me. Ethel lived on a farm growing up, currently stood at 93 years old, and proclaimed me to be younger then her grandsons. I believed her since she managed to provide a visual demonstration on how to milk a cow.

We moved around the room where the ben-gay type smell was canceled by the industrial strength sanitizer used on the floor, to help the folks put together collages of their favorite things and chat a little bit.

Made my weekend.

Of course we weren’t discussing the UIEGA’s backlash or the most current suicide bombing in the middle east. No, Roberto wanted to talk about his days of walleye fishing on Mille Lacs and drawing nude females in chalk while growing up as a starving artist in St. Paul. Luckily my conversational skills outweighed my inability to apply the stick paste to back of the various outdoor scenes. Playboy and Penthouse cut outs were not made available in the rec room but the cranberry juice was top-notch!

I’d elaborate more but sadly the Cap’n Cokes I downed while bowling on the Wii last night has killed a few too many brain cells.

Thanks for dropping by, now has anyone had to deal with Paypal’s un-customer friendly service?

Email: Three attempts, three robot messages, none pertaining to my issue (getting a “no longer able to use this email address” message when I can make purchases just fine.

Phone call: One attempt, twenty plus minutes of listening to the same gas bag message of “this call is sooooooooooo important to us that once you actually wait long enough we’ll hang up on you!” 24 minutes and one broken receiver after being disconnected without talking to someone.

I think I’m ready to give this company a five knuckle unlubbed enema… if I could get a hold of anyone.

Robert Williamson III Ain't No Thang

So he's won a few WSOP bracelets and has more money sitting in a Las Vegas casino lockbox then I'll ever earn in my lifetime (but the company stock is doing great!). I plopped down with the intent of doing nothing more then making fun of American Idol contestants (Black Elvis!!) and playing some relaxing micro tourneys after managing to grind away a small profit this week (think eating at P.F. Chang's versus Wendy's).



The first tourney at Full Tilt was a $5 H.O.R.S.E. affair that ended with a dull whimper of a sick dog with three tables remaining after managing a short stack most of the time.



Doing my usual multi-tabling I pulled up a Limit O8 tourney on Stars and managed to find the one person at the table would could make any four cards beat my any four cards and I went out before Sundance took the stage and got the first seal of approval from Simon (yes he did rock, and why the fuck I'm writing about it?? I HATE YOU CJ!).



Save the Cheerleader? Not so much. But at least Seacrest got a reach-around as the male cheerleader caught him, unfortunately that means he's still alive and my dead pool pick remains among the living.



WOWOWOWOWOW $5 PLO8 tourney at Stars? Sign me up baby!

WOWOWOWOWOW are the players really bad enough to call with 567K rainbow all-in preflop for their whole stack? Yes, they are and I'm stuck watching Topher call his ex-wife a bitch on national television after a straight is made with no low, and Simon once again amazed me with snarky send off. At least he didn't call him a monkey.



Just before my unceremonial exit from the HORSE tourney a message appeared with red lettering in my chat box JOIN LYNETTE CHAN IN THE $24 + $2 POT LIMIT OMAHA TOURNEY WITH A $4,000 GUARANTEE!!!



She's pretty hot, I like Omaha, I had a token laying dormant in my pocket, maybe if I win she'll drop by for some kool-aid and dinosaur chicken bites?

Final table time, prepare for a folding exhibition... not tonight

No, tonight we would not fold into becoming a hundred-aire, eyeing the first prize of $1K in this guarantee that did not reach its intended goal (good thing for overlay, not a good trend for online poker). For once I didn't sit back to enjoy the view as the final table quickly became a crap shoot with M's under 6 even for the chip leaders meant moving in with less-then top hands you'd find spelled out by one of Lou Kreiger's books or Lyle Berman in Super System II.

AK unimproved winning? Nice call sir and thank you for the chips.

An offer of a chop was quickly quashed by the gentleman who would later manage to win a couple of showdowns heads up with me, after being slapped around by my giga-sized online nurse's bust for the most part. After hearing his stats that Ryan looked up from Pokerdb.com it sounded like he could use the money a lot more then this nickel and dimer. I'll take second with a smile because I played as well as I could, but the showdown cards just didn't favor me. Muy thanks to the rail birds as it was quite late in my part of the world and getting up three hours later actually feels refreshing.

Yes sir, Drizz only sucks at Omaha on days of the week that end with -day

Thanks for dropping by, now I'm going to do a happy dance about poker for once.