Wednesday, May 27, 2009

What Does Your Twins Jersey Say About You?

Since there’s a trip to Chicago in my near future for the enjoyment of an afternoon baseball game pitting the Cubs of Chicago versus my hometown Twins, my indulged me with an early Father’s Day gift of an authentic number seven Joseph Mauer jersey. This jersey will be on display during the game after my twelfth or thirteenth beer and hopefully will allow for some conversation with the tepid Cubbies fans.

I can’t wait.

My visit to Waveland Avenue last year saw many things that could not be unseen. The bachelorette parties complete with women of varying shapes and sizes that in most cases deserved a lecherous double-take from this happily married man. Married doesn’t equal dead and blind, as seen by the “face boner” (copyright JoeSpeaker) sported by a man with impeccable beer and breakdancing taste.

Deaf perhaps, but if you know the author here, I’ll be hearing a little more of the jeers of the bleacher bums this year thanks to my project to become Lee Majors’ Six Million Dollar Man, minus the good looks because frankly technology can only do so much.

What does a sports jersey say about a person? Lets take a look from a homer point-of-view and check out Twins jerseys since I count myself as a member of this ilk now:

Joe Mauer – You could be mistaken for bandwagoning onto the current superstar of the team, but most likely auctioning to be draped with former Miss USA’s and assorted women who don’t hurt your eyes. Your perfect stance while obtaining a foot long hot dog, malt cup, and 42 oz. Budweiser at the Metrodome (soon to be Target Field) are the envy of all fellow fans.

Justin Morneau - You’re the Shaq to his Kobe, Malone to his Stockton, Gehrig to his Ruth, the other swimmers on Team USA to Phelps. A star in your own right, but not adored by fans in your own market due to the prom king’s hometown ties. Yet you display an air of coolness without being cocky. Due to being able to say “eh” without snickering, people give you northern street cred and would gladly buy you a Schmidt or Hamms at the local pub while discussing what’s hitting on Lake Vermillion this morning.

Johan Santana or Torii Hunter – You live in denial, cursing the economy and rising gas and milk prices daily wishing the Twins were from a bigger market. Angry at the world you resort to stories about how things used to be back in high school when there were three chicks waiting at your locker after the JV football game just for the chance to give you a blow job. You’re on your second or third marriage hating the fact that your ex is currently CEO of a Fortune 500 company after bringing home a three figure paycheck from a job as an assistant staple remover at OfficeMax while with you.

Nick Punto – You are scrappy, and have a never give up attitude including taking several slaps from the hottie at the local TGI Fridays that rejected your first twenty advances and finally decides to throw you a pity fuck. You overcome your lack of skills with loyalty and would make a good spouse for a dominatrix.

Kent Hrbek – You long for days at the lake with a 30 pack of Gluek Lite (gotta watch your waistline for softball season) with your trusty Golden Retriever named Gary. While your playing days are over, you can still talk a good game and people want to be around you for stories about the time you threw a perfect nine dart win in Cricket at Texa-Tonka Lanes after the 2001 Wednesday Bowl-a-Saursus league.

Roy Smalley – Your hair is unrivaled and hasn’t been seen since the 1976 California Little League regional championship when Joe Speaker took the field looking to improve on his 4 for 5 with 5 RBIs performance against Santa Barbara. Your suave voice melts the Spanx panties off the older ladies while they dream of massaging your perfect coif in the back of their Dodge Durango.

Dan Gladden – You just got paroled after an unfortunate bar room brawl left some townie drunk with half of bottle of Grain Belt imbedded in his skull and you got fingered for it. Your sparklingly Harley is the last fleeting reminder of the good old days of rides to Sturgis in the summer with topless leather clad babes begging to drift up and down the street on the back your bike.

Tomorrow starts up the WSOP folks, time to get your PokerNews, PokerListings, Poker Poker Poker loving on! Its Christmas for all lovers of the seven-deuce offsuit and $1 bad beat stories.

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