Playing poker is tough enough with the swings, the beat, the grind, the math but add in antsy kids and a wife who had a tough day at the office and well playing poker gets put in the back seat with the groceries.
It came at an inopportune time last night for all three of them to express their displeasure of having to wait for the degenerate to continue a quest towards a World Blogger Championship of Online Poker final table so they could go to the restaurant they were promised once dear old dad busted out. Hour one could have happened early but I managed to make a few hands. Hour two I caught some hands. But, the thermometer reached a high and poker thinking was shut down and yes I could have just sit out and probably made the SCOOP cash, but instead I just pushed the chips away while powering down the laptop.
Dumb? Poker wise, yes. Family wise, easy decision. Anti-climatic from doing a live blog for over two hours? Grrrrrrr.
Thus the conundrum of a middling poker player having to balance Dr. Seuss stories with razor sharp total concentration (example below) just doesn't happen. At any point during a rush that phone call has to be answered, that cry for help on subtraction problems needs to be heard, and frankly it's a no-brainer for me to leave the felt and work out the removal of digits from my son's homework.
There's the 8-Game tourney later in the week that I'm eyeing as the main event is slated right in the middle of the three tourneys I'm covering and definitely is out. I did manage to carve out a little me-time as the green light was lit for a G-Vegas visit in March and barring life-threatening issues, my focus will be on one thing:
Being with good friends with good drinks and adding yet more memories with these people that went from fonted letter with various blinking icons to certified friends that I'd chat about anything with. Including the signing of Jim Thome by the Twinkies yesterday. Meh.
Showing posts with label Twins Win. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Twins Win. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
Backed-Up Victory
While watching the incredible game on TBS (in HD of course, truly a gift to watch sports again) and reading Otis' short fiction story on a booze-runner in South Carolina (go read about Lettuce and Libertyville here, I suggest having a beer or slow high ball glass with your favorite alcohol neat while reading to soak it in) while the see-saw battle between the Minnesota Twins and Detroit Lions Tigers played to a bouncing single between first and second base with Carlos "I'm too fast for these shoes" Gomez scoring well ahead of the throw, my wife who was supposed to be leaving for a short night work shift was yelling from the basement...
... which had a bit water on the floor
Several months ago my princess of a daughter, cute, funny, smile that makes you melt, decided the toilet was a solid choice to drop her plastic Happy Meal toy from McDonald's (OMG THERE'S MONOPOLY TO PLAY GO NOW GET FAT FOR THE PURSUIT OF BOARDWALK!!!!). Flushing sometimes gave a groan of dropping out a 42oz Porterhouse steak the next day, but the pipes seem to make peace with the 14 cent toy.
Until last night.
When the carpeting in the laundry room got soaked as we shop-vac'd our little hearts out as the sewage backed up in the adjacent shower and washer, dumping out said contents with rain beating down outside. Fun. Taking a verbal beating from a frantic wife while she's supposed to be serving senior citizens sugar free cookies and strong coffee at a virtual tour of lower Zimbabwe, there was the throwing out of the carpeting in the mud while it held a lovely stuck on scent of mystery liquids to its duPont microfabrics.
Instead of a point and laugh post at the Tiggers excellent job of reviving the 2007 Mets, or describing Favregasm II with Jared Allen co-staring as the stunt dick to beat down that colander-like Packers front line and give Aaron Rodgers (who I thought was the better quarterback that night considering the .4 seconds he was given to throw the ball when he wasn't on his back) another beat-down, you get a very short story of where my "extra" paycheck will be going this month.
Cuteness: I got a "sowwy daddy" this morning (I was ready to buy that camcorder this weekend to record stuff like that but not now...)
Maybe Roto-Rooter has a preschooler apology discount they can slide over to the parents while the Happy Meal toy gets extracted to the tune of a two-week paycheck.
... which had a bit water on the floor
Several months ago my princess of a daughter, cute, funny, smile that makes you melt, decided the toilet was a solid choice to drop her plastic Happy Meal toy from McDonald's (OMG THERE'S MONOPOLY TO PLAY GO NOW GET FAT FOR THE PURSUIT OF BOARDWALK!!!!). Flushing sometimes gave a groan of dropping out a 42oz Porterhouse steak the next day, but the pipes seem to make peace with the 14 cent toy.
Until last night.
When the carpeting in the laundry room got soaked as we shop-vac'd our little hearts out as the sewage backed up in the adjacent shower and washer, dumping out said contents with rain beating down outside. Fun. Taking a verbal beating from a frantic wife while she's supposed to be serving senior citizens sugar free cookies and strong coffee at a virtual tour of lower Zimbabwe, there was the throwing out of the carpeting in the mud while it held a lovely stuck on scent of mystery liquids to its duPont microfabrics.
Instead of a point and laugh post at the Tiggers excellent job of reviving the 2007 Mets, or describing Favregasm II with Jared Allen co-staring as the stunt dick to beat down that colander-like Packers front line and give Aaron Rodgers (who I thought was the better quarterback that night considering the .4 seconds he was given to throw the ball when he wasn't on his back) another beat-down, you get a very short story of where my "extra" paycheck will be going this month.
Cuteness: I got a "sowwy daddy" this morning (I was ready to buy that camcorder this weekend to record stuff like that but not now...)
Maybe Roto-Rooter has a preschooler apology discount they can slide over to the parents while the Happy Meal toy gets extracted to the tune of a two-week paycheck.
Monday, October 05, 2009
Sensory Overflu
The flu shot was supposed to be taken day, and guess who's running a fever? Wyatt currently is taking an Avatar/Fairly Oddparents/Spongebob Squarepants while I'm in flannel PJ bottoms (Yes, Jen I wear pants while being a parent versus an online poker reporter) shuttling apple juice and cold packs to the ill one.
Bucky was in town for the annual border battle between the Gophers and Badgers. As the score from TCF Stadium showed, the Paul Bunyan Ax made its way back across to cheesehead land where it will remain tainted by Wisconsinites for the next year. Hats off to thee Badger running game as they pummeled the front four chewing up clock time as the Weber to Decker was left with a few precious minutes to work with and almost made a come back in the closing minute only down by a field goal.
Normally we are a State of Hockey:
(RSS readers click through to see the video, I've actuallyplayed skated in the three arenas they show)
But, for the next two nights Minnesotan sport fans are getting treated to something unseen since the Homer Hankies lined Hennipin Avenue after Jack Morris' one-for-the-ages 10 shutout innings in winning Game Seven of the 1991 World Series.
Tonight starts off with Favregasm II: The Double Penetration.
This one has much on the line. NFC Central division leader, the pride wars at the local bars since believe it or not Viking fans are outnumbered many times while downing $2 pints of MGD and Miller Lite while taking in some hot wings and the game on one of 27 newly installed 1080 dpi HD monitors. Yes, around here its not uncommon to see people catch the virus of a Green and Gold jersey and up until two years ago 85% of them not sporting a Mark Churma or Desmond Howard sweater, would have their beloved number four resting over their shoulders.
That all changed with bolting to the Jets last season and commiting the cardinal sin that Darren Sharpier and Ryan Longwell made several years ago by donning the Purple. Brett Favre will be coming out of the home team's tunnel for the second time in his career at the Metrodome which spans 18 games if my monkey math is correct. Will the Favre magic (ok, just saying his name turns my stomach, luckily there's applewood smoked bacon to quell such feelings), turn the tide for this team, latching on even more bandwagoners or will they dive off the Titanic if the Gunslinger doesn't holster his sidearms this evening and let the Purple Jesus and Taylor punish a fairly weak front line of the Packers.
From a lifelong Vikings fan, I'm happy he's here, I'm happy there's excitement behind this team, and win or lose tonight I'll still be happy with the direction this team is going. But, please its not FAVRE vs. the Packers as noted by the ratings sluts at ESPN during the overplayed promos this week. They are a team, they've won with their defense for the past several years and will continue to rely on the massive front four along with should-have-been All Pro E.J. Henderson at linebacker and Winfield in the backfield. They have the most exciting running back in the league for the past three seasons, Purple Jesus wants to hurt you...
... if you can catch him
The other side is the bet. Always the bet with The Wife. This year the stakes got raised thanks to the man who retired and unretired more than The Road Warriors, Tito Santana, Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka, and Brett "The Hitman" Hart combined. To the loser, this year will receive a Favre jersey of the opposite team's colors. Yes, I'm more than happy to plug some cash into the Vikings economy if it means watching The Wife dance around in Purple once again during NFL Sunday.
May the best Favre win.
Tomorrow Twinkies Take Two from the Tiggers and the Rollerdome rocks for baseball at least one more time.
Bucky was in town for the annual border battle between the Gophers and Badgers. As the score from TCF Stadium showed, the Paul Bunyan Ax made its way back across to cheesehead land where it will remain tainted by Wisconsinites for the next year. Hats off to thee Badger running game as they pummeled the front four chewing up clock time as the Weber to Decker was left with a few precious minutes to work with and almost made a come back in the closing minute only down by a field goal.
Normally we are a State of Hockey:
(RSS readers click through to see the video, I've actually
But, for the next two nights Minnesotan sport fans are getting treated to something unseen since the Homer Hankies lined Hennipin Avenue after Jack Morris' one-for-the-ages 10 shutout innings in winning Game Seven of the 1991 World Series.
Tonight starts off with Favregasm II: The Double Penetration.
This one has much on the line. NFC Central division leader, the pride wars at the local bars since believe it or not Viking fans are outnumbered many times while downing $2 pints of MGD and Miller Lite while taking in some hot wings and the game on one of 27 newly installed 1080 dpi HD monitors. Yes, around here its not uncommon to see people catch the virus of a Green and Gold jersey and up until two years ago 85% of them not sporting a Mark Churma or Desmond Howard sweater, would have their beloved number four resting over their shoulders.
That all changed with bolting to the Jets last season and commiting the cardinal sin that Darren Sharpier and Ryan Longwell made several years ago by donning the Purple. Brett Favre will be coming out of the home team's tunnel for the second time in his career at the Metrodome which spans 18 games if my monkey math is correct. Will the Favre magic (ok, just saying his name turns my stomach, luckily there's applewood smoked bacon to quell such feelings), turn the tide for this team, latching on even more bandwagoners or will they dive off the Titanic if the Gunslinger doesn't holster his sidearms this evening and let the Purple Jesus and Taylor punish a fairly weak front line of the Packers.
From a lifelong Vikings fan, I'm happy he's here, I'm happy there's excitement behind this team, and win or lose tonight I'll still be happy with the direction this team is going. But, please its not FAVRE vs. the Packers as noted by the ratings sluts at ESPN during the overplayed promos this week. They are a team, they've won with their defense for the past several years and will continue to rely on the massive front four along with should-have-been All Pro E.J. Henderson at linebacker and Winfield in the backfield. They have the most exciting running back in the league for the past three seasons, Purple Jesus wants to hurt you...
... if you can catch him
The other side is the bet. Always the bet with The Wife. This year the stakes got raised thanks to the man who retired and unretired more than The Road Warriors, Tito Santana, Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka, and Brett "The Hitman" Hart combined. To the loser, this year will receive a Favre jersey of the opposite team's colors. Yes, I'm more than happy to plug some cash into the Vikings economy if it means watching The Wife dance around in Purple once again during NFL Sunday.
May the best Favre win.
Tomorrow Twinkies Take Two from the Tiggers and the Rollerdome rocks for baseball at least one more time.
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
What is a fan to do?
Ok, there was some mega-super-duper homerism going on after Favre made the perfect hand-off in the first play of last night’s EXHIBITION game. Watching the Purple Jesus glide on turf for 75 yards while even the D-backs couldn’t contend with the exalted one’s speed as it was the tinge of excitement necessary to get entrenched into this possibly epic season.
The fan in me wants to believe Favre is the guy despite age and injuries.
The homer in me still cringes every time number four trots out from the sidelines in a spiffy new Vikings jersey.
After seeing the schedule for the first five games, should the Vikes not come away with at least a 4-1 record over the Browns, Rams, 49ers, Packers (go 1-4 and this one is a must win since there’s December pride on the line), and Detroit they need to hang it up with the Super Bowl talk and face the music that this shovel of cash towards this talented team, and the three month media circus surrounding Brett Favre was not worth it as they’ll float back towards a possible wild card team and I’ll store the Helga hat for 2024 and wait for the next Fran Tarkington or Touchdown Tommy Kramer to lead this team to something significant.
----
The Minnesota State Fair kicked much ass and deserves its own post with some pictures. The sad state of the average Minnesotan sports fan came out as the lowest common denominators strolled down Dan Patch Ave. while double fisting cheese curds and Wild Bill’s curly fries.
Oh wait that was me.
It was the below tilt-inducing numbers that got this home town fanboi shaking his head towards the quickness of the Favrewagon being unleashed towards the land of 10,000 lakes.
Number of seconds upon paying admission first Vikings Favre jersey/t-shirt spotted: 26.2
Number of Joe Mauer jerseys worn by studly bloggers who get free drinks from random women in Chicago-land bars: 1
Number of Joe Mauer jerseys worn by various fair-going fans: 13 (including one entire family of four)
Number of Brett Favre t-shirt/jersey variations found: 17
Think this is a Vikings town? The epitome of hometown sports hero and the first one people gathered around since Kirby Puckett (maybe KG, but most people have given up on the Wolves), and the fan base turns their “Favre Sucks” t-shirts inside out to expose how quickly their loyalties change.
Granted I’m climbing up the wooden steps myself, ready to hitch a rickety ride on the sparsely covered Favrewagon myself, but this is still baseball season with a team that isn’t giving up being only 3.5GB of Detroit after a 4-1 win last night over the White Soxs (thanks to Mr. Mauer’s home run of course). Part of me wanted to go up to each Favre toting follower to ask why they choose to lend their fan-dom towards a figure in a state that has made Brett Favre their personal Dr. Doom for all these years.
I still can’t explain what the heck I’m supposed to feel when he scrambles and hits Shinacoe down the middle for 19 yards (or as BG mentioned on twitter, 22 yards if you count his John Holmes sized baby rattle). A fan of the franchise forced to root for the enemy and looking to break the string of almosts and could-have-beens that have hung over the Vikes since Jim Marshall ended up on NFL Films for eternity by scoring a wrong-way touchdown.
Its only preseason, and ignoring their 3-0 record is easy but shying away from the spark that the defense and offense showed last night gives hope that sports fans in this town may have something to root for in January other than above zero temperatures for once.
The fan in me wants to believe Favre is the guy despite age and injuries.
The homer in me still cringes every time number four trots out from the sidelines in a spiffy new Vikings jersey.
After seeing the schedule for the first five games, should the Vikes not come away with at least a 4-1 record over the Browns, Rams, 49ers, Packers (go 1-4 and this one is a must win since there’s December pride on the line), and Detroit they need to hang it up with the Super Bowl talk and face the music that this shovel of cash towards this talented team, and the three month media circus surrounding Brett Favre was not worth it as they’ll float back towards a possible wild card team and I’ll store the Helga hat for 2024 and wait for the next Fran Tarkington or Touchdown Tommy Kramer to lead this team to something significant.
----
The Minnesota State Fair kicked much ass and deserves its own post with some pictures. The sad state of the average Minnesotan sports fan came out as the lowest common denominators strolled down Dan Patch Ave. while double fisting cheese curds and Wild Bill’s curly fries.
Oh wait that was me.
It was the below tilt-inducing numbers that got this home town fanboi shaking his head towards the quickness of the Favrewagon being unleashed towards the land of 10,000 lakes.
Number of seconds upon paying admission first Vikings Favre jersey/t-shirt spotted: 26.2
Number of Joe Mauer jerseys worn by studly bloggers who get free drinks from random women in Chicago-land bars: 1
Number of Joe Mauer jerseys worn by various fair-going fans: 13 (including one entire family of four)
Number of Brett Favre t-shirt/jersey variations found: 17
Think this is a Vikings town? The epitome of hometown sports hero and the first one people gathered around since Kirby Puckett (maybe KG, but most people have given up on the Wolves), and the fan base turns their “Favre Sucks” t-shirts inside out to expose how quickly their loyalties change.
Granted I’m climbing up the wooden steps myself, ready to hitch a rickety ride on the sparsely covered Favrewagon myself, but this is still baseball season with a team that isn’t giving up being only 3.5GB of Detroit after a 4-1 win last night over the White Soxs (thanks to Mr. Mauer’s home run of course). Part of me wanted to go up to each Favre toting follower to ask why they choose to lend their fan-dom towards a figure in a state that has made Brett Favre their personal Dr. Doom for all these years.
I still can’t explain what the heck I’m supposed to feel when he scrambles and hits Shinacoe down the middle for 19 yards (or as BG mentioned on twitter, 22 yards if you count his John Holmes sized baby rattle). A fan of the franchise forced to root for the enemy and looking to break the string of almosts and could-have-beens that have hung over the Vikes since Jim Marshall ended up on NFL Films for eternity by scoring a wrong-way touchdown.
Its only preseason, and ignoring their 3-0 record is easy but shying away from the spark that the defense and offense showed last night gives hope that sports fans in this town may have something to root for in January other than above zero temperatures for once.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Bye, Bye, Bye
Quite the night for Minnesota sports and I'm left with just a few words.
Favre - Done. Those who love a conspiracy theory may make a play that this was all some last dagger number four has thrown from Green Bay at the Minnesota Viking in tossing their QB situation into a deeper abyss then it already is. The ultimate tease, the champagne room, the promises of something more while the person dishing out skin piece by piece is just looking for a payday for themselves while using you for the fool.
I will give Favre credit for pumping up excitement about training camp and possiblities of an NFC Championships, but now the Vikes will settle back into being wild card contenders while the talking heads at KFAN, ESPN, and local news media will drive home the fact that this team lacks just one thing from becoming a legit squad while the fan base watches 9-3 games while drowning their heavy sighs in a pitcher of Surly.
On top of all this T-Jack was being named the starter before training camp on ESPN (but all Vikings know that Rosenfelds is a 50-50 shot of becoming the starter).
For Favre, NSYNC has this to say.
---
Watching Mark Buehrle carve up the Twins lineup with precision not power last night until the 6th inning was a textbook pitching performance on how to get outs without blowing a 95+ MPH heater past the batter. The spin, the placement, the change of speeds baffled the Twinkies as much the Rays during last week's perfect game.
Then the wheels came off. Walking the Twins worst batter, not just worst starter, worst hitter sitting in the clubhouse at the dome and at AAA Rochester. Alexi Casilla is not a major league player but will be known as the guy who broke up the 45 batters perfection for the next couple of weeks on a pitch that missed low by inches. Then the no-hit was broken by a meatball over the middle of the plate for a very decent Denard Span, that rolled into the hometown golden boy Joe Mauer to lean a double into the stands to tie the game.
The Twins would go on to win the game taking the first two in the three game set with the South Siders (of which my wife will be attending tonight while the perfect husband takes care of the kids), and have managed to grab three games on the Tigers this week.
Favre - Done. Those who love a conspiracy theory may make a play that this was all some last dagger number four has thrown from Green Bay at the Minnesota Viking in tossing their QB situation into a deeper abyss then it already is. The ultimate tease, the champagne room, the promises of something more while the person dishing out skin piece by piece is just looking for a payday for themselves while using you for the fool.
I will give Favre credit for pumping up excitement about training camp and possiblities of an NFC Championships, but now the Vikes will settle back into being wild card contenders while the talking heads at KFAN, ESPN, and local news media will drive home the fact that this team lacks just one thing from becoming a legit squad while the fan base watches 9-3 games while drowning their heavy sighs in a pitcher of Surly.
On top of all this T-Jack was being named the starter before training camp on ESPN (but all Vikings know that Rosenfelds is a 50-50 shot of becoming the starter).
For Favre, NSYNC has this to say.
---
Watching Mark Buehrle carve up the Twins lineup with precision not power last night until the 6th inning was a textbook pitching performance on how to get outs without blowing a 95+ MPH heater past the batter. The spin, the placement, the change of speeds baffled the Twinkies as much the Rays during last week's perfect game.
Then the wheels came off. Walking the Twins worst batter, not just worst starter, worst hitter sitting in the clubhouse at the dome and at AAA Rochester. Alexi Casilla is not a major league player but will be known as the guy who broke up the 45 batters perfection for the next couple of weeks on a pitch that missed low by inches. Then the no-hit was broken by a meatball over the middle of the plate for a very decent Denard Span, that rolled into the hometown golden boy Joe Mauer to lean a double into the stands to tie the game.
The Twins would go on to win the game taking the first two in the three game set with the South Siders (of which my wife will be attending tonight while the perfect husband takes care of the kids), and have managed to grab three games on the Tigers this week.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
What Does Your Twins Jersey Say About You?
Since there’s a trip to Chicago in my near future for the enjoyment of an afternoon baseball game pitting the Cubs of Chicago versus my hometown Twins, my indulged me with an early Father’s Day gift of an authentic number seven Joseph Mauer jersey. This jersey will be on display during the game after my twelfth or thirteenth beer and hopefully will allow for some conversation with the tepid Cubbies fans.
I can’t wait.
My visit to Waveland Avenue last year saw many things that could not be unseen. The bachelorette parties complete with women of varying shapes and sizes that in most cases deserved a lecherous double-take from this happily married man. Married doesn’t equal dead and blind, as seen by the “face boner” (copyright JoeSpeaker) sported by a man with impeccable beer and breakdancing taste.
Deaf perhaps, but if you know the author here, I’ll be hearing a little more of the jeers of the bleacher bums this year thanks to my project to become Lee Majors’ Six Million Dollar Man, minus the good looks because frankly technology can only do so much.
What does a sports jersey say about a person? Lets take a look from a homer point-of-view and check out Twins jerseys since I count myself as a member of this ilk now:
Joe Mauer – You could be mistaken for bandwagoning onto the current superstar of the team, but most likely auctioning to be draped with former Miss USA’s and assorted women who don’t hurt your eyes. Your perfect stance while obtaining a foot long hot dog, malt cup, and 42 oz. Budweiser at the Metrodome (soon to be Target Field) are the envy of all fellow fans.
Justin Morneau - You’re the Shaq to his Kobe, Malone to his Stockton, Gehrig to his Ruth, the other swimmers on Team USA to Phelps. A star in your own right, but not adored by fans in your own market due to the prom king’s hometown ties. Yet you display an air of coolness without being cocky. Due to being able to say “eh” without snickering, people give you northern street cred and would gladly buy you a Schmidt or Hamms at the local pub while discussing what’s hitting on Lake Vermillion this morning.
Johan Santana or Torii Hunter – You live in denial, cursing the economy and rising gas and milk prices daily wishing the Twins were from a bigger market. Angry at the world you resort to stories about how things used to be back in high school when there were three chicks waiting at your locker after the JV football game just for the chance to give you a blow job. You’re on your second or third marriage hating the fact that your ex is currently CEO of a Fortune 500 company after bringing home a three figure paycheck from a job as an assistant staple remover at OfficeMax while with you.
Nick Punto – You are scrappy, and have a never give up attitude including taking several slaps from the hottie at the local TGI Fridays that rejected your first twenty advances and finally decides to throw you a pity fuck. You overcome your lack of skills with loyalty and would make a good spouse for a dominatrix.
Kent Hrbek – You long for days at the lake with a 30 pack of Gluek Lite (gotta watch your waistline for softball season) with your trusty Golden Retriever named Gary. While your playing days are over, you can still talk a good game and people want to be around you for stories about the time you threw a perfect nine dart win in Cricket at Texa-Tonka Lanes after the 2001 Wednesday Bowl-a-Saursus league.
Roy Smalley – Your hair is unrivaled and hasn’t been seen since the 1976 California Little League regional championship when Joe Speaker took the field looking to improve on his 4 for 5 with 5 RBIs performance against Santa Barbara. Your suave voice melts the Spanx panties off the older ladies while they dream of massaging your perfect coif in the back of their Dodge Durango.
Dan Gladden – You just got paroled after an unfortunate bar room brawl left some townie drunk with half of bottle of Grain Belt imbedded in his skull and you got fingered for it. Your sparklingly Harley is the last fleeting reminder of the good old days of rides to Sturgis in the summer with topless leather clad babes begging to drift up and down the street on the back your bike.
Tomorrow starts up the WSOP folks, time to get your PokerNews, PokerListings, Poker Poker Poker loving on! Its Christmas for all lovers of the seven-deuce offsuit and $1 bad beat stories.
I can’t wait.
My visit to Waveland Avenue last year saw many things that could not be unseen. The bachelorette parties complete with women of varying shapes and sizes that in most cases deserved a lecherous double-take from this happily married man. Married doesn’t equal dead and blind, as seen by the “face boner” (copyright JoeSpeaker) sported by a man with impeccable beer and breakdancing taste.
Deaf perhaps, but if you know the author here, I’ll be hearing a little more of the jeers of the bleacher bums this year thanks to my project to become Lee Majors’ Six Million Dollar Man, minus the good looks because frankly technology can only do so much.
What does a sports jersey say about a person? Lets take a look from a homer point-of-view and check out Twins jerseys since I count myself as a member of this ilk now:
Joe Mauer – You could be mistaken for bandwagoning onto the current superstar of the team, but most likely auctioning to be draped with former Miss USA’s and assorted women who don’t hurt your eyes. Your perfect stance while obtaining a foot long hot dog, malt cup, and 42 oz. Budweiser at the Metrodome (soon to be Target Field) are the envy of all fellow fans.
Justin Morneau - You’re the Shaq to his Kobe, Malone to his Stockton, Gehrig to his Ruth, the other swimmers on Team USA to Phelps. A star in your own right, but not adored by fans in your own market due to the prom king’s hometown ties. Yet you display an air of coolness without being cocky. Due to being able to say “eh” without snickering, people give you northern street cred and would gladly buy you a Schmidt or Hamms at the local pub while discussing what’s hitting on Lake Vermillion this morning.
Johan Santana or Torii Hunter – You live in denial, cursing the economy and rising gas and milk prices daily wishing the Twins were from a bigger market. Angry at the world you resort to stories about how things used to be back in high school when there were three chicks waiting at your locker after the JV football game just for the chance to give you a blow job. You’re on your second or third marriage hating the fact that your ex is currently CEO of a Fortune 500 company after bringing home a three figure paycheck from a job as an assistant staple remover at OfficeMax while with you.
Nick Punto – You are scrappy, and have a never give up attitude including taking several slaps from the hottie at the local TGI Fridays that rejected your first twenty advances and finally decides to throw you a pity fuck. You overcome your lack of skills with loyalty and would make a good spouse for a dominatrix.
Kent Hrbek – You long for days at the lake with a 30 pack of Gluek Lite (gotta watch your waistline for softball season) with your trusty Golden Retriever named Gary. While your playing days are over, you can still talk a good game and people want to be around you for stories about the time you threw a perfect nine dart win in Cricket at Texa-Tonka Lanes after the 2001 Wednesday Bowl-a-Saursus league.
Roy Smalley – Your hair is unrivaled and hasn’t been seen since the 1976 California Little League regional championship when Joe Speaker took the field looking to improve on his 4 for 5 with 5 RBIs performance against Santa Barbara. Your suave voice melts the Spanx panties off the older ladies while they dream of massaging your perfect coif in the back of their Dodge Durango.
Dan Gladden – You just got paroled after an unfortunate bar room brawl left some townie drunk with half of bottle of Grain Belt imbedded in his skull and you got fingered for it. Your sparklingly Harley is the last fleeting reminder of the good old days of rides to Sturgis in the summer with topless leather clad babes begging to drift up and down the street on the back your bike.
Tomorrow starts up the WSOP folks, time to get your PokerNews, PokerListings, Poker Poker Poker loving on! Its Christmas for all lovers of the seven-deuce offsuit and $1 bad beat stories.
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
Rockin the Granny Panties
New era for Twins baseball on the way? RIP Carl Pohlad. But, since his son Jim has been basically running the ownership show for years don’t expect the Twins to whoo Manny being Manny or a slew of other high priced/high risk big hitters into the Twins lineup for years to come. Look for better insight from Twins/Baseball-guru Aaron Gleeman to expound on the Twins future without the miserly Pohlad behind the plate.
“Four year has not yet been charged” (click link to story). Those are seven words that should never been written in any newspaper/news story other then The Onion. Seriously? Granted the reporter was just passing on the information from the sheriff’s office but doesn’t common sense seep into a story in some way? Just the fact ma’am? Four years old meaning, almost done with the ability to wipe one’s ass alone, graduating from Sprout to Nick Jr., and making up fictional stories involving “a coyote, a squid, and his adventures with Alvin, Simon, and Theodore.” I think the fact that the kid one, knew there was a gun readily accessible, two, was able to reach it, and three, was able to fire it, shows the parents were better off to blow off beer, bingo, and blowjobs night down at the lodge and find a Chuck Norris video on gun safety (my suggestion is “Invasion U.S.A.”).
“Four year has not yet been charged” (click link to story). Those are seven words that should never been written in any newspaper/news story other then The Onion. Seriously? Granted the reporter was just passing on the information from the sheriff’s office but doesn’t common sense seep into a story in some way? Just the fact ma’am? Four years old meaning, almost done with the ability to wipe one’s ass alone, graduating from Sprout to Nick Jr., and making up fictional stories involving “a coyote, a squid, and his adventures with Alvin, Simon, and Theodore.” I think the fact that the kid one, knew there was a gun readily accessible, two, was able to reach it, and three, was able to fire it, shows the parents were better off to blow off beer, bingo, and blowjobs night down at the lodge and find a Chuck Norris video on gun safety (my suggestion is “Invasion U.S.A.”).
Speaking of 80’s movies, for some reason I’ve found myself watching “Hot Dog: The Movie” (a poor man’s “Ski School” but Shannon Tweed’s granny panties were rockin!), “Bikini Shop”, and last night’s feature “Gas Pump Girls”. No idea for sudden interest OMG-BOOBIES! mixed with vapid-plot-line-return-to-USA-Up!-All-Night-lonely-high-school-evenings, but when needing a void after a day of work and being daddy it adds some humor into the night.
Yes, I know I should be studying for my MBA, learning five languages, and solving for "y", but I’m not that person. There are limits to my life and I recognize them. My hearing and speech problems have defined a line to which jobs I can pursue and how far my professional suit will carry me. After countless rejections, I’ve resigned to the fact that there’s a glass ceiling that will not break no matter how large my penis is, or whether I obtain a four-year college degree or not. My head injury set my life back five to six very dark years in which I woke up in the last year or two with two kids and a renewed love for my wife. But, before the injury I was all set to re-enter the college campus with a Business degree and CPA certification in mind and very little financial/mental penalty. Now, I have a mortgage, two cars, two kids, and five monthly porn subscriptions to think of.
Not sure where the next year or five will take me, but the journey now is more important to me then the goal of a piece of paper or a couple of extra digits in my bank account. Just providing financially, parentally, and husbandly (new word!!!1111oneoneone) for my family and myself is my life. This is probably the most important thing that has come out of a bad situation, and while the daily outlook gets blurred with every argument, the lifelong one doesn’t need glasses anymore.
Monday, June 18, 2007
SLAM!
Not gonna back up or bust off some horrible white boy rappin' due to moving desks this morning and finding a mountain of TPS reports awaiting in the new digs.
I'm going to pretend I didn't watch that near-disaster last night at the Metrodome (Fielder hits an inside the park home run? ANY Fielder hitting an inside the park home run would have to be at the Church's parking lot ball field with a run-until-they-get-it-rule).
As a consolation to Brew Crew fans, you almost made Lew Ford cry in his post-game interview.
Sun will come out tomorrow, as it sure the hell isn't today.
I'm going to pretend I didn't watch that near-disaster last night at the Metrodome (Fielder hits an inside the park home run? ANY Fielder hitting an inside the park home run would have to be at the Church's parking lot ball field with a run-until-they-get-it-rule).
As a consolation to Brew Crew fans, you almost made Lew Ford cry in his post-game interview.
Sun will come out tomorrow, as it sure the hell isn't today.
Monday, May 21, 2007
Stinky Brew
Twinkies suck! Go Brewers!!!
- StB 05/18/07
Bite me Cheesehead! Skol Twinkies!!
- Drizz 05/21/07
Long weekend, made longer due to unexplainable losses at the casino and a flaccid bat during the softball tourney. My WSOP ticket will be purchased when I get my checks from Stars and Tilt in about a week, so if those who have expressed interest please make the transfer via Stars (drizztdj), FullTilt (drizztdj), or Paypal (hrking275 A T yahooooooooooooooo.com without many of those o's).
Since my head is still full of barley hops and alcohol flavored diet coke, I'm going to pass on drafting a trip report right now and give everyone a heads up about a rebuy tourney at Stars for a worthy cause. Much like my absence for the Blogger Big Game last night, I'll be at my cabin this weekend and will miss the tourney but I'm throwing my $10 towards event.
Here's Pauly with the information about the Darfur charity tourney:
Dear Poker Bloggers,
PokerStars is hosting a chairty tournament ONE WEEK from today to help raise money for the war torn Darfur region in the Sudan.
Date: May 27th 2007, 15:30 ET
Buy-in: $10 plus rebuys.
Prizes: Top 4 receive tickets to June 5th premiere in Los Angeles plus 2 nights hotel and $2k for travel/spending. Top 18 receive autographed copy of "Oceans 13" DVD. Total prize pool will go to charity. PokerStars will match the donation. The tournament is open to all players. Good luck!
I'm encouraging all bloggers to spread the word about this event. Please post the information on your blogs.
We got less than 300 players in last week's charity tournament. That was pathetic. My goal is to get at least 1,000 players in this tournament. I need your help.
Please blog about next Sunday's charity tournament. Blog about it two or three times. Please encourage all of your friends to play and if they can't play -- tell them to blog about it.
As I wrote on my blog... online poker players are painted by the mainstream press as degenerate criminals. Here's a chance to show the world that we can do some good with online poker.
Information is on the Tao of Poker. Feel free to cut and paste.
Karma points will be coming your way.
Thanks,
Pauly
Thanks for dropping by, now hopefully won't donk off the rest of my vanishing home bankroll at the Corky-like special players $2/$4 tables at Grand Casino this weekend as I'll write about some crazy (and bankroll denting) happenings at the Treasure Island tables last weekend. The post will include "when straddling goes bad" and "no, four cards to a straight only works if everyone folds".
- StB 05/18/07
Bite me Cheesehead! Skol Twinkies!!
- Drizz 05/21/07
Long weekend, made longer due to unexplainable losses at the casino and a flaccid bat during the softball tourney. My WSOP ticket will be purchased when I get my checks from Stars and Tilt in about a week, so if those who have expressed interest please make the transfer via Stars (drizztdj), FullTilt (drizztdj), or Paypal (hrking275 A T yahooooooooooooooo.com without many of those o's).
Since my head is still full of barley hops and alcohol flavored diet coke, I'm going to pass on drafting a trip report right now and give everyone a heads up about a rebuy tourney at Stars for a worthy cause. Much like my absence for the Blogger Big Game last night, I'll be at my cabin this weekend and will miss the tourney but I'm throwing my $10 towards event.
Here's Pauly with the information about the Darfur charity tourney:
Dear Poker Bloggers,
PokerStars is hosting a chairty tournament ONE WEEK from today to help raise money for the war torn Darfur region in the Sudan.
Date: May 27th 2007, 15:30 ET
Buy-in: $10 plus rebuys.
Prizes: Top 4 receive tickets to June 5th premiere in Los Angeles plus 2 nights hotel and $2k for travel/spending. Top 18 receive autographed copy of "Oceans 13" DVD. Total prize pool will go to charity. PokerStars will match the donation. The tournament is open to all players. Good luck!
I'm encouraging all bloggers to spread the word about this event. Please post the information on your blogs.
We got less than 300 players in last week's charity tournament. That was pathetic. My goal is to get at least 1,000 players in this tournament. I need your help.
Please blog about next Sunday's charity tournament. Blog about it two or three times. Please encourage all of your friends to play and if they can't play -- tell them to blog about it.
As I wrote on my blog... online poker players are painted by the mainstream press as degenerate criminals. Here's a chance to show the world that we can do some good with online poker.
Information is on the Tao of Poker. Feel free to cut and paste.
Karma points will be coming your way.
Thanks,
Pauly
Thanks for dropping by, now hopefully won't donk off the rest of my vanishing home bankroll at the Corky-like special players $2/$4 tables at Grand Casino this weekend as I'll write about some crazy (and bankroll denting) happenings at the Treasure Island tables last weekend. The post will include "when straddling goes bad" and "no, four cards to a straight only works if everyone folds".
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)