Breaking News: NCAA Tournament Possibly Rigged

*BREAKING NEWS (AP):  NCAA Questions So-Called Bracket-olgist

G-Vegas, South Carolina

By Nomar Garza March 19th, 2010

After yesterday's startling start to the Men's NCAA Basketball tournament, representatives from the National Collegiate Athletic Association paid a visit to a local elementary school to question this man below:

"Lil' Otis"

Photo Cred:  Rapid Eye Reality

After the notorious "bracket-ologist" managed to correctly predict the upsets of Murray St., St. Mary's, and ODU yesterday eyebrows were raised at the corporate headquarters in Indianapolis, Indiana as they dispatched agents to question his possible involvement with tampering the games.

Patty Spitzmuller, lead agent of the basketball fraud division had this to say "The percentage of people who correctly picked these game is ASTRONOMICAL, I mean COME ON just like last night while playing Rush Poker at Full Tilt I had pocket aces and some complete douchebag had eight-seven off called me do..." (editor note: we demanded a dollar from Patty after broadsiding us with a lame bad beat story)

The boy's father "Papa Otis" is widely known for his underground lime tossing operation but the city is unable to press charges due to alledged political connections with "The Mayor" had this to say: "The boy has talent, and someday he'll be able to make hit the $50 lime shot blindfolded".

Those involved with money pool with Lil' Otis have demanded their money back while hurling childish insults at his beloved Missouri Mizzou as Lil' Otis could not be reached for comment due to nap time. The scope of the investation is near completion as we await the NCAA's decision and will report here at Nickleanddimes if the participants will be able to re-do their shattered brackets.


*this story is completely false and I wish Lil' Otis the best of luck in taking us down

Team Tubby Time

March Madness is officially upon us.  Thus begins the first week of a sport most of us ignore for the better part of the year and turn into rabid fans of basketball teams from regionally obscure colleges like Siena and Wofford.

CBS Sportsline tickers overcome the need to watch how Wal-Mart, Big Blue, and Microsoft are faring during the morning trading hours, in order to see if that number 12 seed pulled off the upset to take the lead in the office pool over Sindy who managed to blindly pick 95% of the 1st round games correctly based on school colors.  High times for degenerates and college basketball fans alike, as I profess to having nothing more than a passing interest while rooting on the Gophers who before the Jan Gangelhoff story broke leaving a proud program in tatters thanks to players who couldn't bother upkeeping the one reason why they were wearing those jerseys (aside from Bobby Jackson and Lenard who did have the talent for the next level).  I watched a year or two of the Dan Monson show and promptly phased out Gopher basketball as passable entertainment or worthy of fandom.

Recently Tubby Smith has brought back the "fear the barn" mystique that Williams Arena had, thus a few nights during the winter I would check in with this team to see if things were worth watching.  Bad losses to sub-par opponents mixed with taking down Top 25 teams at home gave a not-ready-for-prime-time feel as hockey and watching Ocean's 13 for the 22nd time on AMC seemed more productive and entertaining.  In a few days the Gophers will be riding a wave of resurgent first-half play that saw them following through (ignore that Big Ten championship game vs. THE Ohio State U) and winning games over ranked Purdue and Michigan State.  Can they take a first half lead to the house against Xavier and give Team Tubby a little cred, some juice to a sport state mired in tear soaked Purple towels and wondering if the prodigal son of the Twins is staying here for the balance of his career?

We'll see this week if the trend of blistering first halves from this Gopher squad turn into a minor upset of an 11 seed taking down a 6 and watching my brackets fall before I even leave work and having to wait until the various websites offer a Sweet 16 bracelet for even more action.

Sensory Overflu

The flu shot was supposed to be taken day, and guess who's running a fever? Wyatt currently is taking an Avatar/Fairly Oddparents/Spongebob Squarepants while I'm in flannel PJ bottoms (Yes, Jen I wear pants while being a parent versus an online poker reporter) shuttling apple juice and cold packs to the ill one.

Bucky was in town for the annual border battle between the Gophers and Badgers. As the score from TCF Stadium showed, the Paul Bunyan Ax made its way back across to cheesehead land where it will remain tainted by Wisconsinites for the next year. Hats off to thee Badger running game as they pummeled the front four chewing up clock time as the Weber to Decker was left with a few precious minutes to work with and almost made a come back in the closing minute only down by a field goal.

Normally we are a State of Hockey:



(RSS readers click through to see the video, I've actually played skated in the three arenas they show)

But, for the next two nights Minnesotan sport fans are getting treated to something unseen since the Homer Hankies lined Hennipin Avenue after Jack Morris' one-for-the-ages 10 shutout innings in winning Game Seven of the 1991 World Series.

Tonight starts off with Favregasm II: The Double Penetration.

This one has much on the line. NFC Central division leader, the pride wars at the local bars since believe it or not Viking fans are outnumbered many times while downing $2 pints of MGD and Miller Lite while taking in some hot wings and the game on one of 27 newly installed 1080 dpi HD monitors. Yes, around here its not uncommon to see people catch the virus of a Green and Gold jersey and up until two years ago 85% of them not sporting a Mark Churma or Desmond Howard sweater, would have their beloved number four resting over their shoulders.

That all changed with bolting to the Jets last season and commiting the cardinal sin that Darren Sharpier and Ryan Longwell made several years ago by donning the Purple. Brett Favre will be coming out of the home team's tunnel for the second time in his career at the Metrodome which spans 18 games if my monkey math is correct. Will the Favre magic (ok, just saying his name turns my stomach, luckily there's applewood smoked bacon to quell such feelings), turn the tide for this team, latching on even more bandwagoners or will they dive off the Titanic if the Gunslinger doesn't holster his sidearms this evening and let the Purple Jesus and Taylor punish a fairly weak front line of the Packers.

From a lifelong Vikings fan, I'm happy he's here, I'm happy there's excitement behind this team, and win or lose tonight I'll still be happy with the direction this team is going. But, please its not FAVRE vs. the Packers as noted by the ratings sluts at ESPN during the overplayed promos this week. They are a team, they've won with their defense for the past several years and will continue to rely on the massive front four along with should-have-been All Pro E.J. Henderson at linebacker and Winfield in the backfield. They have the most exciting running back in the league for the past three seasons, Purple Jesus wants to hurt you...

... if you can catch him


The other side is the bet. Always the bet with The Wife. This year the stakes got raised thanks to the man who retired and unretired more than The Road Warriors, Tito Santana, Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka, and Brett "The Hitman" Hart combined. To the loser, this year will receive a Favre jersey of the opposite team's colors. Yes, I'm more than happy to plug some cash into the Vikings economy if it means watching The Wife dance around in Purple once again during NFL Sunday.

May the best Favre win.

Tomorrow Twinkies Take Two from the Tiggers and the Rollerdome rocks for baseball at least one more time.

Weekend Minnesota Sports Viewings

Gophers vs. Wisconsin for the Paul Bunyon Ax starting at Noon. The new TCF Bank stadium doesn't suck, the weather however is going to be cold and wet not the 80s and sunny we've been enjoying for the past month.

Twins vs. The Greinkes somehow the team has manage to spur playoff hopes after splitting the crucial series last week. With the 2009 Cy Young award winner on the hill today for the Royals, those hopes will most likely end up in the trash like a discarded malt cup stick.

Black Dynamo vs. FC Red MG: this one the upstart midfielder Wyatt will try to neutralize the Swedish exchange student, Kjell, with the floppy blonde bowl cut hair and slick cross-overs while 3'7" Ethan leds a powerful offense built on speed. Played on the cold pitch of Rush Creek Elementary, the elements will come into play as the kids get their first taste of playing sports in fall Minnesotan weather as parents strive for perfectly cut orange wedges and fruit snacks in the shape of popular movies on the sidelines.

Vikes vs. Packers (Monday): If you've turned on a TV in the last week there's nothing more to be said about this one. Please keep the Brett Favre references to a minimum because after seeing the rube crew at Buffalo Wild Wings listening to a live broadcast of the Paul Allen on KFAN, fan here in Purple country are an undefined excited adjective about this game.

If you need to know what this Volleyball player is signaling she will be blocking the cross hits while her similarly hot assed partner should take the line spike. Or she'd like to get some head from two guys during the next time out. I'll let you decide.

Want But Don't Want

You have plans.

Line up a nice mix of relaxation and work, time with the kids, and a few beers with the guys.

Your own cocoon of perfect time away from your cube.

Then you got married and brought a woman into your life.

She brings a new way of thinking. OHHHHHHHHHHH SALE LETS GO!

"But honey, that's a great idea and I'm sure that would be fun...." doesn't work, just makes her more determined.

Throwing excuses at her is like Jim Cramer showing up on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Its a fruitless exercise in debating when you're a toothpick trying to hold up a 15 foot ocean wave.

Personally, I feel like I'm letting people down by not being able to do all the work that I wanted but after the wife spent several hours over the past week looking up flights and hotels for Vegas, I've given up on the deflection techniques I learned at the Miyagi-do karate dojo.

No amount of wax-on wax-off will get my Elizabeth Shue to see this as a "non-optimal" idea. See: last time I went to Vegas with her

"But, this time we're bringing the boy" (yes we have two children, and no the daughter will not be on a plane until Obama is retiring to his estate in Illinois)

Ever wonder when those marital test come up in your relationship with the wife/husband/kids? This is going to be one of them for me. People might be saying "but but but its VEGAS!!!". Yes, its Vegas but is it a place for a five year old who has a greater affinity for blinking lights then his father and can't go throw a twenty into the Star Trek slots?

This is true, my favorite city, my vices, shouting PAI GOW at 4am, "something to look forward to". But I put responsiblity first in my life. I'm a good boy (for the most part) and having to delegate those responsiblities out, hurts (a HUGE thanks to Spaceman for helping me). I want to show I'm realiable yet here I am agreeing to a trip.

Sigh. Anyone have an answer?

----

Side note: Gophers don't deserve to dance. Period.

Happy they're in? No.

Will I wear my gopher colors while they're on? Of course, I am still a fan.

It shows the selection committee looked at Tubby's name on the big screen and knew they'd get ratings. That's it. Texas will beat them 45-32 (no that's not a halftime score). If you want Big 10 basketball in the tourney, you're going to get low scoring games (read: booooooooooooooring)that are dominated by defense with one exception (see: Michigan State).

The Spartans have a shot, maybe Purdue, but if you're filling out a bracket, get rid of those midwest teams immediately if not sooner.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to check out another site for flight times.

The Cost of a Beat Down

Watching the Gophers catch a beat down from the Spartans last night (which cost me a prop bet with Bobby Bracelet)...

... was nothing compared to this Florida Cheerleader beatdown of Victoria Lindsay (careful, ad pop ups), view the video towards the bottom of the screen. Trying to find the full video netted me a hand full of Rick Roll's but if you're more web savvy then I, let me know.

And people wonder why parents fear for their kids growing up.

Taste Like Chalk

Thanks to Comcast I did not get to watch the Gophers lose to Kansas last night shipping a Mookie buy in to PokerPeaker and searches for appropriate Jayhawk fan pictures with keywords "hot jayhawk fans" "sexy Kansas college ladies" got some interesting results:

Ding! You've Been Facebook'd

Steven Segal prior to blimping out into some stay puff kung fu master with a komodo on, kicked ass with great lines such as “the first one thought he invincible, the other thought he could fly… they were both wrong”. There’s scene in the movie below (with awesome subtitles!) where a top secret password is held by two ranked officers trying to get it on while on this train, the crazy terrorist guy has to type in the password on two keyboards simultaneously to gain control over the super-cool satellite that causes earthquakes and blows things up while looking like an overgrown Lite-Bright floated above earth.



While I was not pressured to follow through on global destruction, last night after the Battle of the Planets finished up I saw that both the Sunday Warm-up and Turbo Takedown were winding down at the same time. Using a high stepping shuffling technique seen by defending basketball players, I moved back and forth until the two tourneys finished up and still got to dream about my three-way with Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Biel inside my penthouse suite at the Imperial Palace at a decent hour (ok, dreaming about Vegas in December already may have seeped in). The Turbo Takedown deserves a note as there was deal that the railboys and girls had a hey-day over as it seemed that only one of final three had ever made a deal before, and to be nice, they got screwed over big time because the chip leader managed to give himself a shot at MORE THEN first place money with the chop. Check out that deal in the write ups linked above.

Bonus money may be the sweetest money (copywrite Joe Speaker), but money from cheeseheads and stinkin Badger fans makes me giggle like seeing illicit boobies while through the movie channels. Gophers hockey, I have a man-crush on you. But, am saddened by the news of a huge Gophers hockey fan and Gophers hockey TV analyst losing his job as my favorite radio team was split up on Friday when Jeff Dubay’s recent drug arrest turned the P.A. and Dubay show into The Paul Allen show. Rube Nation is lost without you.

Speaking of Rube Nation, how pissed off are they about our apparently juiced up Pro Bowlers? Nice job guys, even 100% Cheese Free is probably in discontent about this team.

A question for whoever got me to start up my Facebook page… you now have sucked in a vortex of people from Minnesota into this endless pool of quizzes, addicting add-ons, and pokes. Speaking of pokes… how many pokes or the wondrously fabulous SUPERPOKE! do you need to receive from the wife (not to be confused with The Wife who sadly still roots for those limpburger cheeseheads to the east of the Twin Cities) before you cash them in for 15 seconds of fun in the sack?

Trust Is A Four Letter Word

I’m in a weird place right now as pain and misery has been a comforting blanket for my insecurity for almost my whole life. Growing up I had my loving parents and siblings as the few bright spots of my day as they were the only reason I didn’t carve a winter hole into a lake and drop myself in. Sure I excelled at inane academic subjects in high school which received some of the first letters of the alphabet come report card time, and was known to throw a baseball slightly faster then the national average, but I was never happy.

Happy was something that occurred in short spurts. A trip to Orlando for my dad’s recognition as an employee-of-the-year complete with a $200 dinner at Epcot that none of us kids touched. Scoring a game-winning goal by making an awkward dance around a defensemen that skating coaches would shake their heads at, but ultimately proved effective since the round, black disk stood behind the red line in the net. A kiss goodnight, with a short-blonde who would play tetherball with my heart all through high school, and having that relationship end literally with a plunge.

Right now sitting at this computer I consider myself happy not just because of recent successes and triumph over non-tangible handicaps, but because I’ve learned to trust again. I don’t have to ask my wife or kids “do you still love me”. I trust my kids to still plant a kiss or hug on me the following morning despite telling a certain three year old that he had to retire early the previous evening due to lack of discipline (otherwise known as throwing a fit when told that Lucky Charms are not a part of a nutritionally balanced dinner and having some rainbow shaped marshmallows end up in creative places around the kitchen).

Hell, even my days at the poker tables are showing some enlightenment. My bankroll is creeping up towards a set goal so I can move back up in limits again. I’ve even won a few smaller tourneys which I haven’t done in quite some time. Playing on the $100 PLO8 tables is becoming easier and easier each session as the tilting off with second best hands has become less and less of a daily occurrence.

Missing 20+ outs several times in a row is part of the game, setting someone all-in and having those less then four outs spike is part of the game, and now I realize that once you’ve won, that keeping that money during the times of slim cards and outdraws is part of the game. Just because your bankroll is temporarily flush due to a tourney score or some hot cards at the cash tables doesn’t mean to drop back into some bad habits that triggered the rebuilding in the first place. Now I trust myself to stay within my game, and not throw bad money at sessions “just because I can”.

Trust is something I have been in short supply of due to my past. But, seeing all the people who drop here a give a kind word of congratulations after I have been trusted to operate a car again shows me that I can even trust those whom I can not see. And I promise next time we meet, you can trust me to be the person you read about here and not some drunk getting carted back to a wife that doesn’t want to see him.

Minus the carting part… as I do plan on enjoying myself with the company of many Cap’n Cokes and invisible internet trustworthy friends.

Thanks for dropping by, now Steve here’s the words to the Gopher fight song so you’ll be familiar with them during the Frozen Four Championship Game (since the stinkin’ Badgers have been banished back to Madison). SKOL!

"Minnesota Rouser"

Minnesota, hats off to thee
To thy colors true we shall ever be
Firm and strong, united are we.
Rah! Rah! Rah! for Ski-U-Mah
RAH! RAH! RAH! RAH!
Rah for the U. of M.
Minnesota, hats off to thee
To thy colors true we shall ever be
Firm and strong, united are we.
Rah! Rah! Rah! for Ski-U-Mah
RAH! RAH! RAH! RAH!
Rah for the U. of M.
M-I-N-N-E-S-O-T-A!
Minnesota! Minnesota!
Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah GOPHERS!