Quick hits: Parenting question for those with good poker faces

Quick hits:

• Brad Childress fired = Drizz happy camper.  It doesn't help the team any, but least shows they're willing to move forward.  My hopes that the "moving forward" part means building a stadium in Blaine, MN not LA.

• There are just 15 days left before the WPBT Winter Classic.  Do you have your three person PokerStars-infused prize pool last longer team in place yet?  What the fuck are you waiting for?  The Lions to the win the Super Bowl or Obama to admit he could have done things differently in his first two years in office?  Not gonna happen.  So go.  Sign up your weak-ass team that will visiting Davy Jones' Locker after run over by the Brad Childress-less Viking ship of TEAM SKOL!!!  If you dare bust one of us out I'm sending this guy to your house to rinse your mouth out with month-old dead trout or his unwashed arm pits:

Photo cred here



• On Sunday I got a lazy day as a present to myself for waking up at 6am and busting out a two page essay on poems, half of my final paper (due in three weeks), and finished a statement of cash flow for a mock corporation. Shortly after the Viking's implosion that had Packers Fans creaming their green and gold g-strings my daughter entered the room with a worried face. Usually this means a) "Daddy, I took five bars of Hersey's chocolate and ate four of them while smearing the fifth one all over the kitchen" b) "I want to watch Strawberry Shortcake's adventure in Berry-Berry land for the fifteenth millionth time but can't get the DVD player to work after jamming three discs in there" or the dreaded c) "I did something that I won't tell you, but know it's wrong and need to be questioned like a police's person of interest". Can any parent tell me the secret behind keeping a straight face while your adorable four year old daughter tells you she cut her bangs with safety scissors? Bluff a flush draw on the turn in a heated PLO game with a stony face? Yes sir! Not laugh on my cutie's hair malfunction?

Not this guy.

Updated pic of said daughter for those who do not follow me on Twitter

A Rolling Moss Gathers No Wins

My favorite football team continues yet another epic collapse.  This isn't the 1983 season where Les Steckel dropped a 3-13 bomb on this franchise with coaching ineptitude unseen until, well, now.  Brad Childress has shown this year that he is a staff accountant trying to do the CFO's job.  Last year was an aberration in a few plays that went their way, no injuries to the ghost of a Hall of Fame quarterback and his favorite receiver.  No quarrels with star players that will quit on 3/4th of the plays as I'll give Favre credit here as being someone who will put his best effort forward despite a coach with granite in his ears and similar legs for moving in a different direction when the first plan doesn't work.

Image from http://www.footballbabble.com/

Then you have Randy Moss.  A true Viking, another future Hall of Famer who had returned to the team after a few games to seemingly take the place of Sidney Rice (who took some horrible career advice and delayed his hip surgery enough to take him out this all-star lineup).  He caught Favre's 500th touchdown, much joy returned to Mudville as with the unseasonably warm weather up here just kept getting brighter. Since I personally was not eating with the team on Friday, to expound on the catering incident isn't right.  I wasn't there and can only read about what happened and offer editorals like Sportcenter ran off for the past 24 hours.  It could be a product of the Vikings' PR machine trying to save its battered coach's face, but now that the owner of the restaurant is being quoted:

Tinucci's co-owner Gus Tinucci said Tuesday. "(Moss) he comes in, and I'm helping one of the guys and didn't look up, and all of a sudden I heard, 'What the (expletive) is this? I wouldn't feed this (expletive expletive) to my (expletive) dog!' And he's screaming it at the top of his lungs.

It's hard to think Moss' return had anything with wanting another shot at 1998.  Can we blame the coach?  After all it is his responsiblity to manage the talent, as it's the owner's job to make that talent available. Childress didn't sell the program to Moss, or Moss is just an insufferable prima donna bitch, or both.  Either way the season that could have been, is mired right now in confusion with a future that has a "must-win" this week, and the next, and the next, and the next.  If there's a poker analogy, the Vikings are stuck five buy-ins looking to get even and just mortgaged the house to get back in the game.  Playing scared isn't an option, they need leadership in that locker room, they need Jared Allen to rebirth Mullet Nation and find his competitive fire after getting married becoming that guy who says he can't come out with the boys tonight, they need someone besides Brad Childress who can't fire up a lighter soaked piece of wood with a spark hanging over the top of it.

/end rant

In other news, there's 35 days until my birthday party in Las Vegas.  I hope a few of you drop by as social media doesn't give what a drink and smile do.

Champions on Paper

In the shower, along highway 169 with the tidal wave of road construction during the wee hours of a rainy morning, sitting with friends in an industrial park waiting for a brewery to open its gates like Willy Wonka.  So many things to say, so little time, so my musing go buried into what's left of my head after a 10 hour work day, followed by impromptu wrestling matches with the kids, and finally lessons on Plot, Setting, and Hemingway's "Hills Like White Elephants" until my eyes can take no more and the cycle begins a new.

To paraphrase a certain poker brat "if it wasn't for time, I'd do it all".  My interest in things outside of this self-inflicted schedule have a gray-ish layer over them.  Even my beloved Purple and Gold have seen the decibels lowered with every Favre penis story and pick-six that would normally have me firing off a 1,000 word volcano that would be invoked even if Tarvaris Jackson lined up behind whatever center they throw along the line since the departure of Matt Birk.  Instead of the gladiator that was the scourge of the Twin Cities and football demi-god to he legion of fans, Brett Favre has turned into a circus sideshow.  Injuries, passive-aggressive tangles with a coach that shouldn't be there, Jenn Sterger's tits popping up unwillingly according to most reports right behind Ed Werder's mustache.  In what was supposed to be a reincarnation of last year improbable run to banish the ghost of the Purple People Eaters of the 70s and the near-perfect 1998 season.  But, as Dallas Cowboys fans are learning as well (Romo going down last night was a painful metaphor for their season), the only things favorites on paper win is lining the bottom of a bonfire on a chilly November day. 

Sure it's easy enough to say "Brett should have packed it in" while the team is 2-4, and like most NFL teams a few plays would have reversed that record (Purple Jesus unable to plunge into the end zone against Miami and extracting Favre's head from his ass during the Packers game).  He's throwing the ball with the zip of a young quarterback while moving like one that is better suited in play $5 Euchre tournaments after steak night at the local VFW.  It is my hope he puts aside this quest to "go out in a blaze of glory" *cue Bon Jovi guitar riff* and does what's best for the team.  If Favre is healthy and believe he can do more than add another tick to that game-streak, by all means chuck all the TDs and INTs us fans can handle. 

I'll be there to watch 2-14 or 12-4 with my jersey on (except apparently during the WPBT which I'll be donning some Green and Gold of the dreaded Green Bay Packers again due to a text message I believe was pre-written by The Wife just waiting for Favre to toss the last ball over Randy Moss' head) just make it entertaining Mr. Favre regardless of the outcome, I'm sure you will.

Tomorrow or Thursday I hope to have my post up about Surly Brewing's Darkness Day.  Really, driving from New York to get a bottle of beer?  They were not the only ones.

Smells Like Favre Spirit

A little more than a year ago, the air musky with a hint of despiration smelling like Great Aunt Lovey's den.  Once the center of attention in year's past and as soon as that afternoon now contained a tired group of on-lookers and even more depleted group of players.  The raised poker table had six players left from the 2009 Binions Poker Classic Omaha Eight-or Better tournament as the clock turned into the single digits of the morning.  A far cry from the high rolling pros who called this casino home for the month long endurance series called the World Series of Poker for three decades, now forced to offer local grinders and discount tournament players a series at 1/10th the cost of the bracelet chasers and "famous" pros. 

A deranged woman who like someone just tossed her puppy into a microwave fidgeted back and forth with a sack of papers that became more and more of mess with every meth-addled step.  From my vantage point in the four seat, a group of scribes had rolled downtown from the Rio and decided to cheer on a half-deaf kid from Minnesota playing the one game he felt comfortable enough to sit with anyone.  Despite their tired faces, the smiles gave me a greater high than oxy, ecstasy, and Jesus ever could.  If you want to get into those writers shoes for a brief moment I highly suggest reading this post, then clicking here to buy Dr. Pauly's Lost Vegas. 

Hop over here for the skinny on the book

The blinds were at the point where no one had more than 10 big bets, and I was facing a raise in the big blind from the Hawaiian kid in the eight seat whom I chatted with a bit on the other tables.  A drink a hour was the pace but I was doing the Captain and Cokes more for the caffeine at this point and looked down at a ragged low hand.  Calling left me with three big bets and slighly more than his stack, and missing meant two more orbits as the prize money ramped up steeply (for me, remember I'm used to getting excited about final tables in chicken nugget buy-in online tourneys) from $1,000 to over $3K for fifth with $8,500 to the winner.  I made the call and as the dealer laid out a two low, all heart flop I checked my cards to see a lowly pair, a VERY weak low draw, and one heart but the Aica, HI native told me that he'd rarely played O8 and liked NLHE more.  So, immediately I cut out a bet and put on my face of granite.  A little sweat, a peek toward Otis, Mean Gene, the lovely CK (who finished 8th), Al Cant Hang, and F-Train and they all knew I was full of shit, but that didn't matter and would probably earn me a drink or two later.  For a few minutes my opponent hemmed and hawed, tried to half-muck his cards in order to get a reaction from me but once the pot got pushed I carefully slid those rags to the dealer and two hands later the Hawaiian was out and we were on break coming back to 50K/100K blinds and I'm holding just enough to squeak by an orbit without playing.

This isn't about that night which was probably one of my best gambling rolls I'd ever been on, and despite drinking for a solid 15 hours, three more 60-minute intervals of booze and Pai Gow would come because one does not refuse a drink (or four) from Al Cant Hang or the chance to watch an Otis  Degree All-In Moment at the Pai Gow tables with a greyhound resting in your hand. No, it's about the bluff I pulled which unfortunately is rare (because I suck playing poker sober) but the situation warranted it, unlike Mr. Brett Favre, my bluff did not cause the world's largest sport station to turn into a montage of my playing career.  One peep from "sources" and instead of Phil Mackey chatting on ESPN1500 about Vikings training camp and the resurgent Twins who looked strong against the Rays this week but fell short, he had to field questions about number four returning to the purple today instead of after week one of the preseason for the length of his noon to two spot.  Then at five p.m. with dinner at my parent's place, Sportcenter dribbled out Ed Worthless live from the Favre compound and another 25 minutes of filling up my favorite show with bloated "Favre is retiring" themes.

photo cred: here

You could have sucked up 100 days of oil spill with that vortex of hot air.  Good grief people, I about as rabid Minnesota Vikings fan as you can get and I'm sick of it.  After the news came out I fully ready to publish a Onion-like parody with Favre pulling off the biggest practical joke ever by screwing over the Vikes in last season's finale with the interception that erased a missed FG by Gary Anderson as the most painful Minnesota sporting memory, arm and arm with a laughing Ted Thompson behind the scenes shouting GREEN AND GOLD FOREVER from his trusty John Deere riding lawn mower in the middle of Lambeau.  But, the man gave me the most exciting year as a fan ever.  Even more than 1998.  For that he gets a little shred of respect and hope that the media circus pulls up its tent stakes quicker this year.

Just play or don't play Brett.  Either way, thank you.

The Key to Enjoying the Super Bowl: Indifference

At first while watching the pre-game shows to the Super Bowl I was:

Then the commericials were somewhat-kinda-sorta funny, and the craft beers my buddy brought over made the game and the goal line stance by the Colts before halftime made me:

Enjoyable again. Decent mini concert by The Who, onside kick, untimely Manning fail, and more beer giving way to some bad attempts at television ad humor and allowing Shannon Sharpe to continue to butcher the English language worse than a lispy blogger and get paid six to seven figures for it. Oh wait, that's me but more like two figures here. And a few more chippy hits by the Saintly Saints reminding how close it was that the men in Purple could have been there, and... we're back to:

Bourbon Street probably was more hopping than Hennipin Avenue last night even if the people in this state had a rooting interest in the game.  Instead of a grandeur spread of Vikings fans coming out of the woodwork with a backyard bonfire and frat party alcohol spread we settled on indifference and enjoying the inside jokes that a group of friends have after being around each other 15+ years.  The cookies were good too, and no you can't have any because my cookie monster son wrapped in G.I. Joe jammies ate them all.  Jerk.

The weekend was a college search, a car repair search (damn you transmission JUST WORK), and some slightly profitable poker play at Full Tilt and PokerStars as with the winter months my play increases since the weather outside is more optimial for a Eskimo versus an office worker who is two shades of white from becoming translucent.  Rush Poker continues to draw me in as I've up to two tables:  one NLHE and one PLO 6-max in the search for a TomTom from the Full Tilt points store which was badly needed after trying to navigate Dinkytown on Saturday morning en route to my son's TC Marathon fun run at the U of M Fieldhouse.  There were tears and luckly a very bored criminal justice law student who took time away from tort research to draw a map for a hurried parent with two crabby kids and a wife ready to lose it in the car.

Might need to ramp up my play a bit.

And if you're one of two Minnesota poker folks reading these pages this morning, the MNPokerMag.com page has been redone AND there's a week long Minnesota Poker Tour series going on right now at Grand Casino Hinckley Mille Lacs with the $1K bracelet event this weekend.  If the weather calms down and the mini van's transmission cost does not exceed salvage worth, I'll be making a small trip up north on Saturday to check out the place where I made my first LEGAL casino wager over 17 years ago.

I think I just heard my knee pop again.  Old age sucks.

That Was the Opposite of Good

"Pretty good"
"Cute"
"Fun"
"Endearing"

These are words that your girlfriend uses to prevent hurting your feelings to describe your under-sized dick after the best 45 seconds of your life just happened beneath the glow-in-the-dark star stickers in your parent's basement. Those were also words used by the morning radio sportcasters to describe the upcoming Super Bowl contest.

Not epic, not clash of the decade, but a feel-good story against a quarterback savant that will be playing a couple of Sundays from now for the Super Bowl title. And unless there's a Reggie Bush/Kim Karadashian sex tape that magically makes it way to the internets the story line wouldn't be enough to overcome two unanimous first-ballot Hall of Fame quarterbacks facing off. The only thing that could be described as "epic" was the way the Vikings once again lured me and a legion of fans into their clubhouse with hope only to have a series of miscues crush their chances to turn over the Super Bowl futility while losing 31-28 to the Saints.

But, it's not going to happen. Instead 20 years from now I'll be 35 again and remember sitting five feet from my buddy's new 46" plasma screen watching a perfectly knocked 40 yard field goal by Garrett Hartley. As the rum slowly seeps out my body from the game, it still tough to put into words that my favorite team was a fumble, a penalty, a poor pass decision from going to Miami but it's not going to happen.

Favre haters out there will focus on his last throw in the NFC Championship game (deja vu much?), maybe even think of this movie clip from one of my favorite flicks and its not just for Demi Moore in a tight military uniform:




People will forget that it was the delay of game penalty forced his hand a bit but shoulda/coulda/woulda just ran for the 7-8 yards in front of him and bring out the extremely accurate Ryan Longwell for a ~45 yard field goal. And instead of deflecting talk of the horrible interception I'd either be complaning of Gary Anderson 1998 redux or taking the day off from celebrating.

We could point to the equipment manage seemingly lacing the offense's gloves with Astroglide, especially our own Purple Jesus who took fumbling to a new level yesterday and came a field goal away from having those sins absolved. If you look at the stats the Vikes killed the Saints in every category: First downs, rushing yards, passing yards, time of possesion, and the one that glares turnovers.

Without the turnovers the Vikes score at the end of the first half and most likely the second half as well. Instead the Jared Allen jersey is going into the closet until August and Viking fans are left with yet another heartbreak. Good game Vikes, thanks for the exciting season and if Mr. Favre can patch up his body for another season, despite the last throw I'll be awaiting in my purple and gold because whatever the rubes calling into The Powertrip Morning Show on KFAN say this morning he gave us a shot and that is more than anything T-Jack or Rosenfels could have given this team.

34-28 Vikings = Mission Miami Completed

I'd like to update this button (yes it's older than me and not a reprint)

Can I get a one (more) time over here? Good luck today Vikes, your fans are still hoping this is the year you stop the heartbreaks.

SKOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!

Why was I not told of this UB update?

Kick Em' When They're Up, Kick Em' When They're Down

"TURN OFF THE LIGHT?!?!" - My wife who got to sleep at nine PM while I was up work until around midnight

If you do not have a government-type job or work at a bank branch today you'll be sitting in your normal cubical none the wiser that today is a national holiday in honor of civil rights activist Martin Luther King Jr. Maybe the reverend forgot to tell my bosses about equality in workplace vacation days as with the great weather yesterday spilling over into today my kids will be outside shoring up their snow fort as we were after the Vikings game yesterday.

Waffles learned the number one lesson of being a cooler yesterday. Never pick a team to spite them, you must feel in your losing heart that the name printed on your slip is the one that will bring victory and cash into your Dockers back pocket.

It was a good day for the Purple but the game wasn't a rose petal trail for the Vikings victory over the Dallas Cowboys 34-3 as the highlights rolling on ESPN would have you think. The Cowboys dominated the first quarter, their offense was steam rolling as Romo was given time to find that 2nd or 3rd receiver. The defense picked on some holes in the Vikings O-line as DeMarcus Ware crushed Favre when he went unchipped, unblocked. But, due to a missed 48 yard FG when Phillips had momentum and just one yard to go and a Romo fumble the game was kept tight besides the lopsided stats favoring Dallas.

Then Favre hit Sidney Rice in stride, Ray Edwards went into some kind of beast mode after someone entered a cheat code from Madden 2010, and Romo went down and stayed down. No comeback, no life, just a ball of sulk unseen since Jay Cutler got his steak rare instead of well done at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse last week. Another missed FG by the Cowboys in the second half and another Favre-to-Rice connection put the game virtually out of reach going into the fourth quarter where the situation you'll hear all the Cowboys' faithful and every sportscaster with a blazer and tie have with an opinion about this morning. Might even get a few momma's basement dwelling bloggers who got spooked away from their epic loot raid in World of Warcraft in this mix.

Deep in the fourth quarter The Vikings had the ball at Dallas' 11 yard line facing a 4th and 3 with around four minutes or so on the clock. The three options: a) kick a field goal (also could be shown as running up the score) and its 30-3 b) have T-Jack come in to take snaps and kneel or what Chilly decided to do is c) run one of their go-to plays which is Big John Shade on a left slant in the endzone for a touchdown. For the record, I believe B and C are both viable as you're not going to please everyone. If you do B and take the knee, there's the hometown fan base wondering why you gave up on the game with time on the clock. Those are the folks who fueled the Free Agency grab (h/t to StB for the article)with hopes that Zygi will not pick up and leave if that suburban stadium does not come to fruitation soon (this year is certainly giving it a push). No one likes a blowout, if you played ANY form of sports you probably have experienced both sides of this. Looking up at the lop-sided scoreboard with rabid parents still cheering you on like the lights say 2-1 instead of 21-0 after that ringer team from Edina offered the future NHL prospects free private school educations and donuts from Wuollet's on Wednesdays. Or your team of work buddies playing the local bar softball league and finding out that half of them used to play minor league ball but have since got married with kids and found grabbing an education with a career more important than chasing Crash Davis' dream of making it to the show. Your team donned in the corporate colors goes on to demolish the other corporate teams that mostly contain players that once played T-Ball and were looking to get out from behind their actuarial tables for some night air and instead got bullet line drives coming off real athlete's bats.

But this is different. These players are PAID to show up and perform for 60 minutes, not 50, not 55, but all 15 minutes of each quarter when they take the field. If you want to blame someone, blame the coach. Chilly should/could have subbed in T-Jack for the ending but still trotted on his best lineup despite the defeat written on the faces of everyone sitting on the opposing sideline. Even so, if T-Jack had tossed that TD pass to say Jeff Dugan, would we have the same "uproar" from Keith Brookings (who by the way was part of that 1998 Falcons team that crushed our souls)? Perhaps they were just taking out the Dirty Laundry?



I'll leave that question open for the Cowboys' fans out there. If the backups score on that play does your opinion of "running up the score" change?

All in all the Vikes were the better team yesterday and now travel to New Orleans for what should be great game and I won't need to cut myself off after a few drinks since I'm off next week (but if you'd like to read the PokerStars Sunday Warm-up wrap I'd sincerely thank you for your audience as always).

Hit Me Favre-y One More Time

Its game day.

Time for the Vikes to prove for the past few years that the only reason their team have not made championship runs is due to the deficiency at quarterback. He may be 40 years old, and the bane of Vikings fans for the past two decades but today Brett Favre takes the field in the Purple and Gold one more time with a legit shot at a second Lombardi trophy run.

Stiff competition coming from the resurgent Dallas Cowboys who sadly will not be bringing their wonderful orbs chest flesh and legs that can reach both ends of Jerry's World and just a few butt hugging strides. Examples shown below:



Image from ESPN.com




Image from highdefforum.com



Image from wfan.com

Lost in the silicone and Rockette shaped legs is a damn good football team that steam rolled the Eagles on back-to-back weekends to stake their claim in the vistor's locker room at the newly named Mall of America field for today's NFC Divisional playoff game. All the analyst are picking Dallas, and thanks to a certain blogger cooler, so are the bloggers.

Can Romo overcome noise and Jared Allen giving him Cowboy Stew receipes over the top of a very talented Cowboys O-Line (even chippy Flozell Adams get a nod and hopefully no one on the D-Line limps away with a torn ACL today). Can Favre win big in the Dome despite not wearing a Packer uniform? Will Pat Williams get to live his dream of doing a Slap Shot-like striptease for the folks in Florida after the Super Bowl? Will I get to bloat these pages with more Viking talk for at least one week?

SKOL VIKINGS!!!

16 Down, Three to Go

Photo credit: StarTribune

Favre-overload has been the way of life for the Viking fan this year. Not Purple Jesus, Moss, Culpepper, Love Boat Strippers/Hookers, or Touchdown Tommy plowing thru Hennepin Ave with a blood alcohol content on par with the percentage off of all dish towels during a linen sale at Target. Wrap all those personalities and issues together and you'd have a 15-second lead-in story into a 5 minute exclusive on Favre's breakfast decision. The things he's done here on the football field have been nothing short of a reawaking for team that just need one part to become part of the NFL elite.

He's supposed to be an unassuming, laid-back country boy yet the sports media circus that surrounds him is befitting for your run-of-the-mill latest Hollywood starlet that decided to kick her cocaine habit after getting caught snorting a line off Ron Jeremy's back on Sunset avenue. He's a 1st ballot Hall-of-Famer, we get it, let the man have his swan song, one last time down the Metrodome Mall of America field turf with 60,000 fans screaming for a new stadium and an extension on this year's playoffs.

Now if you'll excuse me, all this Favre talk has given me a season long identity crisis as rooting for the pariah of Packer Football (save Starr, Bart and Lombardi, Vince) feels like a sparkly vampire that needs to drink holy water to live. Yet here we are five months after touchdown at the Lindbergh Terminial of MSP, the Super Bowl still within grasp and we're still rooting for number four. All Viking fans save the biggest homers who bought their Favre jerseys in August and haven't taken them off since, are waiting for a reason to pile on Favre. Just one pick six to blow the game, a fumble, knocking up three cheerleaders at halftime, something to hate the guy again.

But I can't.

This year has been the most exciting to watch as a Vikings fan since the 1998 season, and in some ways more exciting since that team blew teams away with its record-setting offense where as this team had several fourth quarter blood pressure bursting drives and plays:

Still gives me goosebumps watching it

Either way, thank you Mr. Favre, regardless of Sunday's decision this season has been one to remember until I'm slurping protein shakes for meals in the local nursing home while donning my tattered Jaren Allen jersey.

But I'm still not buying that book.

Ferris Bueller Gets Another Day Off, Favre Does Not

Want.

Matthew Broderick has revealed he wanted to film a sequel to his classic eighties hit Ferris Bueller’s Day Off — which was written and directed by the late John Hughes.

The actor — who is married to married to Sex and the City star Sarah Jessica Parker — says he spoke with Hughes before his death last year about making a follow-up film that would catch up with Ferris as an adult.

“It’s something we talked about – catching up with Ferris as an adult and seeing how he turned out,” says Matthew. “We never quite got it together though. I’m still not sure what Ferris would be up to now.

“I wish John was around because he might have a good idea. I think he would maybe be living in a rich house near where he grew up. I bet he would be exactly like his parents.”

The actor says he wouldn’t oppose a Day Off remake — but he wouldn’t want to to be involved.
“A remake would be fine,” said Broderick. “I would be perfectly happy for somebody to do that. I probably wouldn’t enjoy having a role in the film. I would rather leave what we did as our thing.”

And please no re-make, other than Rounders 2, I'd love to see this sequel (about 15 years too late) how Ferris adapted to adult life when he doesn't have to bum rides off of people because he got a computer. Maybe segue to Charlie Sheen as a reformed drug addict turned sex addict? Jen Grey put in a corner by Edward R. Rooney only to have the real ghost of Patrick Swayze kick his ass Road House style.

Someone hurry up to Sunday because I usually like to face my disappointment by ripping the band-aid off rather than slowly edging the adhesive. Favre hasn't thrown a true pick-six (the one against the Steelers was Taylor's usually reliable hands taking a required 15 minute OSHA break), and with Drew Pearson's ghost floating around I'd rather see a blowout than Joe Buck reminding people, with 1:53 left on the clock down by 4 and on the 17 yard line with zero time-outs, for the 28th time during the telecast that Favre has 19,439 4th quarter comebacks.

Like a prudish high school girlfriend, don't show me the boob then spend the next two hours gathering up every sexual thought that's run thru my virgin brain only to be sitting alone in a multi-colored 85' Nova hatchback listing to a tape of Tears for Fears with a case of blue balls that's on par with taking a steel-toed boot to the midsection. Strip those Hello Kitty panties off and lets hope you don't get knocked up from the firehose method of birth control because that condom I had in my wallet for the past three years couldn't hold a piece of lint.

For the haters side, as always you should be reading Kissing Suzy Kolber's hater's guide to the playoffs. (Minnesota section found here). Seriously, this game should rock on both sides of the ball. It won't be the shootout that's happening on Saturday between the Saints and Cards, but I'm going against all the analyst's predictions (several of these guys should have their "NFL Analysis" cards taken away from them, Packers all the way playing against a team that curb-stomped them twice and AT HOME, really?!?!) and making the homer prediction of a 24-20 victory for the Purple.

SKOL!!!!

Packers Have Nine Zero Lives Left

(sorry for the title screw-up)

I tried to turn off the Packers/Cardinals game yesterday.

Down 17 and the Buzzsaw slicing downfield against one of the top defenses in the league for a fourth straight score as Fitzgerald Jr. racing beyond the red zone only to be met with a perfectly placed fist of Charles Woodson who started this track meet with a fumble. Rodgers struts out a promptly goes downfield for the first of many scores.

In what should have been a blowout, the Packers showed everyone just how underrated this team was (giving the Packers praise is making me nauseous) and doing without two big starters on defense and an offensive line where they had to pull some construction guys away from their 30 pack of Natty Light and ice fishing houses to play left guard. Kudos to the Pack for making this a game when rolling over and dying would have been the play for most of the other NFL teams. A 4th and 5 late in the game turned into a late touchdown, a missed 34 yard field goal by a kicker who'd missed just one kick all year with a few seconds left, AND winning the coin toss in a second half where both defenses decided to take in that figure skating special showing on NBC (I believe, sadly triple lutzes by women in leotards and sequins doesn't do much for me).

In the end it was a hesitation by Rodgers and a ball bouncing into Karlos Dansby's lap with no one but some uplifted turf to stop him from winning the game 51-45. Who wouldn't have wanted to see Favre Bowl III?

The Dallas Cowboys that's who.

To segue into this machine that face the Purple this weekend, that turned in another big performance by dismantling the Eagles on Saturday 34-14 and cementing the other team name on the NFC divisonal round playoff games at the Mall of America field (yes, corny name for a stadium that HOPEFULLY on its way out). While both teams carry solid defenses on their backs, I'm predicting a high scoring game although nothing like the one yesterday at the Pink Taco. Both defenses are going to get spread out by the pass leaving the running games to determine which team will control the clock and mostly likely the scoreboard. I wouldn't be a true homer if I didn't think Purple Jesus would hold a slight advantage but we'll see if the kid can return to early season form and not this 9 for 50 yards and a Tom Rathman-esqe goal line touchdown.

The nerves of Romo vs. the not-getting-any-younger arm of Brett Favre. Favre wants the ultimate fuck you to Ted Thompson, while Romo would love to have the fumbled field goal kick replays to stop, who is going to get their redemption?



Had to play it once...

Excuse me while I flog myself after singing praises to the Packers (seriously great game sirs, very entertaining win or lose).

A Walk Through 2009: April thru June

April:

- SCOOP became a big thing around my household. Not as a player (might change this year, as I’m looking to take a shot sometime this year) but as a humble scribe. I would have thought by now reporting on online poker tournaments the lack of human interaction would turn this job into a tedious one.

Exact opposite.

There’s a strange rush I get from watching unknown pros, hoodie/sunglasses WPT-wannabes, and the basement dwelling 30-tabling Supernovas battle it out for more cash than I’ll see in a decade. There’s no resentment of making the “here’s your new SCOOP Champion yaKKaZuMA69 who won $350,000.00 after defeating RubYoMama heads-up for the 6-max Super-Turbo One Card Exposed Hold Em’ Championship!”. It sounds ridiculous but I enjoy my Sunday nights and those big tournament gigs that test sanity with 6-8 hours of work till the wee hours of the next day, then trying to cram a 10-hour day of spreadsheets and invoices all while remembering that Kyra only likes the purple bendy straws in her chocolate milk.

- Had a shot at the elusive Mookie title but vacated the wait

- Got ready for another season of softball after “retiring” for the most part. One of the better decisions as the nights in the parking lot after the games were a mid-week stress relief.

- Minnesota tried to ban online gambling which would have effectively killed my future blogger endeavors since my funds for such trips comes from working on the PokerStarsBlog and the very rare tournament scores.

May:
- The first Brett Favre reports come out. Of course I’m in dreamland now with two games before a possible Super Bowl, but as a lifetime Vikings fan Brett Favre represented the epitome of football hated as the best player on the rival’s team (and even if they go one-and-out I'd thank him for the excitement this year). But, this fan of the Purple couldn’t comprehend the media coverage that follows this guy. Holy shit even Randy Moss, Joe Mauer, Kevin Garnett, and Visanthe Shiacoe’s dong combined couldn’t get more face time on ESPN than this guy.

- There was also quick hit about what your Minnesota sports jersey says about you

June:

- WSOP begins, friends start their long journey thru the Amazon Room’s bad food, strippers looking for tricks on the rail, and 17 hour days for the next 40-ish days.

Personally, I will try to make it out there again this year because I did seemed to do quite well chopping up the O8 event down at the Binion's Poker Classic despite being not in-the-bag, but thru-the-bag-and-searching-for-discarded-hooker-handouts after a 15 hour playing/drink-athon. Seeing Otis, Gene, F-Train, and Al railing me and CK while taking in that couple straight from an HBO special on “What Happens When Psych Patients Don’t Take Their Meds”.

Sadly the guy could have ran over the final table with the chip lead he had but instead watched that mighty fortress of clay reduced to pleading to be included in the 5-way chop. Basically his ego and harpy wife cost him the $5K difference between the chop money and stated first prize.

Next up July, August, and September also known as the only months you won't see three inches of ice on Minnesotan roads.

A Walk Through 2009: January thru March

I wasn't going to do this, but 2009 was a good year in the frozen white north. Maybe not for most, but this year saw my marriage repaired, and possibly my soul. It's not with light words that my push toward bettering myself knocked the final domino onto my wife who in turn wanted more as well. The recession sucks indeed, but this blogger made a couple decisions for the betterment of self and those lives who I touch each day and sometimes those who I get to see only on a yearly basis. Also, to remember as scrolling thru the posts I had a few font-filled moments that were forgotten and other moments I'll always keep tighter than my daughter's wrap around her favorite rainbow Care Bear.

January:

Started out with a trip to my 2nd favorite place on earth. Ely, MN. No, not the bone breaking cold temps but the pureness of the night’s skies and proximity to degenerate activities. I also won a small live Omaha tournament while visiting Fortune Bay’s Casino, sadly monumental victory over 20 players was not covered by PokerNews, PokerStarsBlog, or Dr. Pauly chatting with the Ice Fishermen at the Kwazy Wabbit about their 5:37am walleye rush before the first thermos of Baileys and Coffee was finished. Maybe next time.


---

- Wrote out another list as a milestone birthday approached and the Buzzsaw known as the Arizona Cardinals made their improbable run to being one play from Super Bowl champs (be the Vikes this year please, please, please) and sweated a river card of employment

- Also took the first steps towards a life-changing decision. No, I got the snip sometime ago and still remain blissfully blank in the sperm department, although my wife questions if they snipped out my remaining brain cells sometimes. That first trip to the ear specialist took a lot of introspection and now with retrospect I can’t see why it ever took me so long.

February:

- Received a couple of big somethings in the mail and email from friends that gave me the last push towards auditory freedom. Their generosity blindsided me as I spent a few nights wondering what I did to deserve such friends. I still ponder on this from time to time.

But, the wait kinda sucked.

March:

- More waiting for the hearing aids.

- And bad predictions of wanting horrible quarterbacks for my favorite team (good thing we held out for that other guy).
Then came the first sounds after inserting the puck-shaped batteries into my bionic ears. And more would pour in afterwards

I also penned a short story for Truckin which was very therapeutic to release as the pang of survivor guilt doesn’t ring as much after getting the story out. My many thanks again to those who helped. There's another Truckin story that I'd like to get out soon, and according to the Dr's orders I'll need a good drink and comfty couch with zero distractions except maybe some Steel Panther raging thru my new ears.

April thru June coming up tomorrow.

Restored for 2010

I should have done a year end wrap-up post, but didn't.

I should have had some words about laying out like an amateur on New Year Eve, but didn't.

I should, I should, I should but didn't.

Instead I spent the weekend with my family and getting plenty of rest in lieu of getting back to braving the sub-arctic weather that now rolls thru the plains of Minneapolis' suburbs (note to bloggers coming up here in August: the weather will be a tad different, maybe less spit-freezing-before-it-hits-the-ground type of cold). The result was getting rid of the nasty H1N1-Vegas strain of gunk that has held onto my lungs for the past three weeks, and seeing two kids with a little brighter smiles.

The weekend wasn't completely carefree and degenerate-like as there was the Sunday Warm-up final table wrap which Justin "looshle" Pechie a WSOP circuit event runner-up ran over the table for the most part but succumbed while heads up to take down $129K.

No, instead there was a lot of disconnect from the internet as nights I could have filled with my sudden re-interest in giving away money at the PL/NLO8 tables (as in 7 to 10 tabling like in years past), or sitting down with my thoughts and Cap'n Coke to chronicial a few tidbits for the friends that drop by here even after the Google bomb took most of the readers away, there was afternoon naps and no angry buzzing white noise in my head. Just peace.

This week will change that as I have three different projects/posts that I'm wanting to move from the in-box to the out-box as well as getting rid of the clutter thanks to hurricane Kyra as Christmas gifts have been spread to the nether regions of my home.

And home is where you'll find the Vikings after the Philadephia Eagles decided to watch game tape of the Vikings first half against the Bears. They looked as flat and out-of-sync as trying to belly up to the bar after partying with Al Cant Hang the previous night. Dallas on the other hand look competent with an array of crossing patterns aimed for #3 receiver Patrick Crayton, sidelines to Miles Austin, with Jones and Barber hitting the holes opened up the middle for a decent 24-0 win. While Dallas did win the game, the Eagles did many things to assure a loss and the now #6 seed instead of getting a week off AND most likely playing the Vikings where they have shown to display their worse football (away and outdoors), they'll have to return to Double J's StarWorld to prevent a second drubbing.

Two more wild card games are going off this coming weekend where they play the same teams in the first round, Cards vs. Pack (at the Pink Taco where the Pack looked scary good against a horrible Matt Leinart who must not have been fed his daily requirement of ASU virgins before the game) and WHODEY! vs. Jets-Jets-Jets where it appeared that Rex Ryan may have eaten those ASU virgins before putting a smackdown on one of the surprise teams this season.

As for the inconsistantly-consistant Vikings they spread their offense yesterday pummeled a depleted Giants team that started 5-0 only to be eliminated from playoff contention in week 16. 44-7 was the final score but factor in the T-Jack show for most of the second half and the Vikes improved their BCS bowl standings by rolling up an extra touchdown on 4th and goal while ahead 34-0. Not sure if Chilly had some motive for needling the 2008 champs but when you run the fake middle run and toss to the fullback or tight end six or seven times each time with success AND see Purple Jesus not getting huffy about the lack of touches while still running effectively (9 carries and 1 catch with ZERO FUMBLES), there's a chance this team will have some good things going for them in the upcoming weeks.

The playoff scenerio also assured the Vikes will play all of their playoff game(s) in domes which added to the 8-0 home record where they scored no less than 27 points a game. The bleak Super Bowl outlook just hit a huge river card please don't blow it, this fan would love to see his team follow through on something just once but the ghost of Gary Anderson is lingering with every TV stats-a-holic bringing up Longwell's accuracy rating from inside the 45.

How many PokerStars one-time chips can I use? Three would be perfect thankyouverymuch.

Dr. Jekyll and Missing Hyde

The glass is still half-full after last night.

In the two bad losses of the year (Cards and Panthers) the Vikes showed their ineptitude for the entire game. Last night they did that a for half, then came out and fought tooth and nail for the second half. On the road. Outdoors. In the cold.

They should have lost on the second Bears score in the 2nd half, but rallied down the field for a score with 8 seconds left. #reasonforoptimism if I were to hash it on Twitter. The team could have rolled over and died along with its purid first half "effort" that looked like a dress rehearsal for the football version of the Bad News Bears. Think Chilly wouldn't make a decent Buttermaker with a Coleman cooler of Schlitz in his hand giving the team pointers on proper beard grooming techniques?

Even down 16-0 in the first half, I girly-chatted with one of the many suddenly very interested Eagles fans and thought the Vikes would still win the game, but not cover the spread. They didn't of course, but again, at least they gave an effort in the second half unseen in the bad losses to Arizona and Carolina. Something to grow on? Yes. Another reason to line Purple Jesus' gloves with rubber cement? Please do. The kid with the iron tight handshake and ability to fumble like there's a contract stipulation for it baffles even the biggest homer of a Vikings fan. How can someone who can crush every bone in your hand with minimal effort hold on to a football?

From what I've seen, most of these fumbles occur when PJ tries to eek out 1 or 2 more useless yards by staying inbounds and gets stripped while being stood-up or poked out on the way down. Whatever it is, it isn't going to stop. No amount of coaching is going to stop the kid from his I-will-run-thru-a-brick-wall-for-an-extra-inch running mentality.

The defense should also bolster a big part of the blame as their pass rush has reverted to 2006's version without the stiffling run D. Jared Allen has been a non-factor thanks to double teams (awesome quote from the mulleted one: “If I could cuss right now, I would. … I mean, we’re playing bad right now. We’ve got to play better”. Pat Williams is hurt. And the secondary is getting burnt more often than the 1997 version of me trying my hand at "clubbing" and "dancing with the ladies". Awkward, tall white guys shouldn't be on the dance floor attempting to look good while Salt N' Peppa's "Shoop" is blaring over the 2 for 1s and glitter filled spaces. Thank god there wasn't YouTube back then or the world may need some serious eye bleach.

This isn't to say the Vikes saved themselves from a quick 1st round exit. Far from it. Without a complete effort against the lame-duck Giants AT HOME next week, the Vikes just might be launching a team they beat twice into the divisional round of the playoffs.

No Vikes, No Cry

Saints losing this afternoon put another sting into the dreadful loss at the hands of the Panthers, as the window of potential home field advantage is still not completely closed.

Or should they be called "resurgent" Panthers after pummeling the Giants 41-9 today? Yikes. Rallying behind a third-string QB and super stars Peppers and Smith they put the Giants on the brink of elimination while having to shake their heads at what could have been.

Eagles/Broncos are on with all the Brian Dawkins returns to Philly talks while the second round of the Battle of the Planets tourney plays on that I'm covering today. Wyatt's Bionical's are all constructed, Kyra's room full of Disney princesses has grown to flood water levels as the parents are recovering from the holidays with football and a calming drink this afternoon.

No Vikes today as they're playing tomorrow on Monday Night Football against the Bears. ESPN, Fox Sports, NFL Network, and CBS Pregame show all had FavreChilly watch 2009 on their agendas even though the game wasn't being played today, and frankly the media saturation of the situation resembles a used maxi pad. Time to shed the blood and hope the team starts running on all cylinders because the problem ISNT the quarterback, isn't not the suddenly mortal running back, isn't not the defense (although some flash cards on "how to tackle" wouldn't hurt). Its the offensive line's dreadful play over the past four games that resulted in the correct All-Pro (McKinney) finally getting benched last week.

What Did I Ever Do To Waffles?

Sorry Vikes fans, but the ultimate cooler has selected our team to win against the Bears this week.

Guess we'll enjoy being 11-4 and another week of Favre vs. Childress soap operas.

Sigh.

On a better note the new Truckin is out!

December 2009, Vol. 8, Issue 12

Welcome back to the new semi-Holiday issue of Truckin'.

1. Stiff Santa by Paul McGuire The Beverly Center had one strict rule -- never under any circumstances remove the bunny head in public. That would mortify young children. Josh turned to Ritalin to solve his problems... More

2. Christmas Money for Misty by Johnny Hughes Misty laid her best story on Sam, her road story. She was temporarily broke, like most casino folks, but she was to inherit the historic Morgan Ranch, 473 oil wells, 47,000 acres, and a bunch of cows in the Texas panhandle... More

3. The Hobby by Milton Burton The driver himself was a small-time coke pusher and wannabe heavy metal musician named Ronnie DeLoach who would never make it big, partly because he was void of any real musical talent. But mostly this sad fact could be attributed to his very limited life span... More

4. Dick-Hole, Part II by Bobby Bracelet Most guys will yank it twenty times a week but they won't feel their balls for lumps. I see it all the time... More

5. Absence of Fear by George Tate The turns became hard to handle and Gatlin knew it wouldn't take much to be over a guard rail and down the side on his back, load, tractor, and all. He suddenly cleared his mind and focused on the words, "Turn off the engine, that's it."... More

Looking Up From Coming Down

At bottom of a small hill on Friday there was nothing but clear blue sky with a wisp of clouds hanging for decoration. Laying face-up on the frozen pond after my seventh run with the midnight blue rocket sled on my left and a very happy daughter whose little legs couldn't negotiate the sharp drop off between our land and the reedy pond on my right it seemed right to try to nap.

Until of course the other sled in use did a snowplow stop just short of my head causing a mini-avalanche of frozen white stuff over my already fridge face.

It was perfect.

Not too cold, not too warm, the laughs were genuine, and there were no pulling rank of parent to child, just smiles.

I'll remember that short hour in the backyard as the holidays roll on which is sure to bring more tantrums from lack of sleep, lack of treats, and lack of patience as we truck between various relatives and greetings.

Speaking of lack of patience, WTF Minnesota Vikings?

Three weeks ago the "on paper" Vikes were mirroring the "on field" ones for the first time since those years before Chris Gamble ended Culpepper's career (aside from some horrible bloated attempts to regain form) and Randy Moss was busy showing off his ass to a stunned Lambeau Field crowd. On Sunday night versus the Panthers you were the epitome of people's perceptions of this franchise.

Great names with poor execution and worse results. You were Peter North needing a roadmap to a vagina. You were Louis CK killing the crowd and suddenly trying out a knock-knock joke better suited for your kids' preschool class. You were Scarlette Johansson on a bad hair day (which actually now that I think about it, sounds kinda sexy). But, damn you guys for making me believe.

Lets start with the big "schism" talk first since people who follow sports much better than I (and someone I owe a poker post to in the near future), think this isn't a bunch of blown smoke and its ready to ignite a sizable flame in that media circus tent that surrounds Favre. As you know the Vikes newly signed coach tried to yank a 100% first-ballot Hall of Fame quarterback from the game with THEM LEADING for unknown reasons. Now another starter did get the hook and it was well-deserved as Bryant McKinnie was doubling as a blocking sled made of sugar and spice and everything nice against a resurgent Julius Peppers. But aside from injury concerns or possible injury from Mr. Peppers mistaking Favre's head for a slab of Carolina's best BBQ, why would you even broach the idea of taking the leader of the team out of a tight game?

So Coach Chilly isn't doing this team's cohesiveness any good what else is going on? Purple Jesus having to shake off hits in the backfield is a major downer for an O-line that was supposed to be one of the NFL's best. Can't reel off those highlight film open field breakaways or plowing thru cornerbacks if the 350 lbs. fat-ass nose tackle is sitting on your franchise player two yards behind the line of scrimmage. Pass blocking until a few weeks ago has been solid but even that went to pot on Sunday as Favre went down several times, not helped by the fact PJ only rushed 12 times.

The defense gets a little ribbing here as well for not exploiting what was a cobbled together O-line from Carolina. Our front four has been excellent in getting pressure on the quarterback all year and came up limp, especially in the fourth quarter with tackling better used during a 8th grade flag football P.E. class as Stewart became the first 100 rusher against the Vikes in 36 games thanks to several second and third efforts to take a two yard loss into a seven yard gain.

I wasn't able to watch the whole game, just peering up from the laptop as the Sunday Warm-up folks thought it would be awesome to bust out in clumps versus spacing it out a bit as the steam rose from my typing fingers :) But, I got the gist of this team's effort that is/was a Super Bowl contender, it smelled like defeat before the final gun, and its rotten carcass is now prepping for a trap game in Chicago against an awful Bears team with nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking a flailing playoff team down another peg.

Will the Brett Favre that dazzled us earlier in the season return. Most likely not, a case of the "olds" is creeping in, and unless the O-line gets their collective heads together and starts plowing the road for Purple Jesus and the defense knocks up Sulkathor (wrong Jay Cutler sorry) like they did in the Dome win, Viking fans will have to wear their 2009 NFC North Champs T-shirt from Target with spite as they lose the bye to the Eagles and a probable 1st round bomb from the playoffs.

I still expect victory at Solider Field, but how they get the win is more important.

Blue Balls Inside the Pink Taco

The better team won last night.

In what was bizzaro world in the NFL yesterday, Pats losing to the 'Phins, Steelers defense looking more broken up then the current Berlin Wall giving up late TDs to the Raiders, and the Redskins having the game gift wrapped against the undefeated Saints miss a chip shot field goal and fumble their way to a loss.

Then the Vikes took the field against the Cardinals in the Pink Taco and watched them turn into Super Bowl contenders. Swarming defense, solid front line protected the recently rattled Kurt Warner, and wideouts that made our safeties look foolish to say the least. A huge asset for the past two years suddenly has become a serious liability. The Vikings vaunted running game with Purple Jesus and Chester Taylor combined for 40 yards. Not on one run mind you, for the whole game. Neither one could match the 41 yards in two rushes that Percy Harvin put up in their 18 rushes.

Favre detractors were plentiful last night, quick to jump on the "HERE'S THE OLD BRETT FAVRE HAHAHAHAH ROFLCOPTER!!!!" bandwagon. Incredibly short-sighted if you're in this boat, as I thought he played average just not the 110+ rating 24TD/4INT type quarterbacking god he's been thru 11 games. Point a finger at the savior of team from his drafting three years ago. The run game that has been the key to victories until this year has given way to glutony and famine. No consistant 5,6,7 yards a rush, instead its -2, 1,0, 56, 3. This has a direct effect on Favre going down to sacks three times last night (as the talked-up Minnesota line put up exactly zero sacks). If the team is going to look towards Miami they need to find that crushing running game, that one move that makes her scream your name in bed, that loving feeling before its gone gone gone whoa whoa.



They need to find that running game, Favre did throw a couple of bad picks with one or two more that could have gone for a pick six (I hate that term), but generally did fine for the action I was able to see over the top of my laptop while working at PokerStarsBlog last night (Sunday Warm-up wrap found here). To add insult to the loss, EJ Henderson is gone for the year after this hit turned his left leg into jello (click here), McKinney and Loadholt were hurt turning the solid offensive line into a mis-mash of back-ups and back-ups of back-ups. All around it was similar to getting cockteased all day and night by your spouse only to get told while brushing your teeth that "I'm tired" complete with lights off by the time you spit out the Wintergreen Fresh Scope.

Started out fast, ended with blue balls quickly.

Three. More. Days. (well, tomorrow is my birthday as told by yet other white hair plucked from my chin this morning so that one should fly by quickly).