First Step Taken

Edit: Thanks to everyone who commented yesterday, I'm not one to ask for help, but its great to know my friends out there are willing to give it.

The doctor visit.

During my time with the head injury I had several men and women in white coats poke and prod me like the meat contained in BG's wonderful Braised Short Ribs in Porter with Maple Horseradish Glaze, except instead of a stomach that begged for more, I found distrust. Being talked down continuously like a two year old who refuses to put away her princess dresses, countless back turnings and being told "that's not how you feel".


Yeah, those were fun times. If it wasn't for a my personal physician giving me straight talk, I'd splint a broken bone with some Ace bandage and some birch branches straight out of a Boy Scout handbook just to avoid the ER.


After leaving the doctor's office yesterday with a follow-up consult due to the severity of my hearing loss an audiologist was not qualified legally able to suggest the strength/make/model of the hearing aid. I'm fine with that, as she was polite, thorough with the hearing test, and this is the hardest thing to do with a hearing impaired patient... there was no coodling nor getting frustrated while administering the test or results. Well played ma'am.


(side note: a drug salewomen walked in behind me, looking like a pre-coked out and fed Kate Moss, yum)


Anyway. To the doctor part. The audiologist explained there was some gunk in my ear canals that might mess up the results of the test so I was sent to the doctor's office to get it removed.


Not happy with this. My intentions were to a) get a hearing test b) get a quote on a hearing aid c) avoid a doctor's poking and proding at all cost


Fail.


Since I couldn't get to point "b" without enduring the doctor's visit I went through with it. Luckily the doctor didn't act like a total douchebag, he was cordial as I explained it been nearly 15 years since an ear specialist (called an otolayrngologist) has looked in there and since my last surgery. He explained there was still bloody residue from the surgery in there. Enjoying that lunch?? Good, because I was hardly able to eat after seeing the chopped up Earthworm-like stuff he pulled out.




If you've ever had your ears cleaned with a pick-like instrument which comes from the tray above then you may know how painful and how still you must remain unless getting jabbed Freddy Krueger-style down your ear is how you'd like to spend your afternoons.

He cleans, doesn't magically revive my hearing but feels like my ears got sauna bath and loofa treatment as I headed back to the hearing test where it was already explained I'd have to come back to see a doctor and shake my head no at all suggestions of surgery (think very expensive, six months recovery, and having to wear a receiver on my head for the rest of my life for just a small improvement). Yeah, I'll take door number two thank you very much.

As I told the audiologist my goal is to hear words with more clarity. I could care less if I hear my Rice Krispies pop, or some birds chirpping outside. Just being able to respond to people with the funny banter you find here or on the girly chat would put a gold star on the day for me.

Now, to the doctor rant... As I was leaving the restaurant (Chinese buffet, destroyed the cream cheese puffs, peanut butter chicken, and a mongolian plate) about 30 minutes later I felt an itch on my cheek which turned out to be blood dripping down the side of my face. My first thoughts were "oh, probably from the ear pressure nothing to worry about" or "DAMN, W-T-F did they put into the sesame chicken today?!!?!?". After waking up this morning with blood on the pillow it finally stopped without the aid of a panty liner with wings.

I did call in to the doctor's office and was told only to stuff some cotton as it will stop after a few hours (it didn't stop till this morning as I was up almost all night due to this water-swishing feeling in my ear that disrupted my normal dream about a high school friend who recently found me on Facebook and we were going to shoot a round of golf with Judy Garland at DisneyWorld). Writing this down Freud?

When I inquired about what could have caused this as my ear has not bleed since the surgery nearly 15 years ago, I got no answer. *sigh*

Since I'm fairly sure there will be blood scrapping for my next office visit on Wednesday, I would have rather not endured another round with that pick tray shown above as my dreams may go from Wizard of Oz to Hostel for the next week.



Will someone hold my hand and hand me a lemon flavored lollipop and take me to Dairy Queen for a chocolate dipped cone with sprinkles when the big, bad doctor is done? Thanks.

---

On a pokery note:

I read this article at Yahoo this morning. It seems our new president may get a glance at the midnight rule enforcing the UIGEA afterall. This is a good test to see if promises of being more stringent towards bad policies/laws that people do not want and didn't ask for will be fulfilled. At least talking about these midnight rules so quickly is a huge step in the right direction.

Again, will action follow-up the talk? That's the barrier that needs to come down before Americans will dive into "change". Look under "technology" here and our little special interest is #3 on the list (as of yesterday)

Wanting to Hear What Someone Has To Say

People may have heard Americans are getting a new president today. $150,000,000.00 is being spent by various functions and committees to ring in our Commander-in-Chief, and if packages like these $50,000 Politically Correct one at the Ritz-Carlton or The Fairmont Eco-Inaugural Package at a svelte $40,000 one can could see the money exchanging hands for the record number of security detail needed today.

The ring is moving from the right to the left as Obama’s engagement period is over, and he starts the hard road of marriage today with a speech that is supposed to captivate an economy torn nation into believing in itself again. But, could the spoken words really be THAT good? Aren’t the promises to the American public so large and so grand, its similar to that one ex-girlfriend/boyfriend that you never got to have sex with but had a road map in your head to the three day carnal monkey banging that left you both so sexually satisfied a video of it would become the number one teaching aid to good sex?

Will Obama give that worked-up release today after a year of preaching it as he addresses the nation as its president? He does bring hope, whether the hope becomes action, and action becomes results will be seen over the next four years.

----

I wish I was able to view this historic event but as a personal matter today, I’ll be addressing issues at the local level. For many years I’ve kidded myself due to vanity mostly. But the countless missed words, conversations, and asking for closed captioning to be added to the TV set have caught up to me. My hearing problems is one that have caused humor undo to myself as words coming out of my mouth don’t always match up with the conversation and sometimes with embarrassing results.

Ok, its pretty funny when someone could be talking about their car and I chime in with a reference about the time I passed out on the hood of my white Madza 626 DX at the 1995 Edgefest concert that had nothing to do with their new heated seats and shift-on-the-fly four wheel drive.

But, it’s uncomfortable.

Also, I miss my daughter’s explanation of her elaborate princess get up with five rings on each finger to the big man kneeled down in front of her who just nods approvingly or my son’s latest sight words he has conquered in reading class.

It has probably held me back professionally in many areas whether it is at my current company or possible future gigs in poker reporting. The number of times I wanted to put my head thru some tempered glass after not hearing something is too vast to count and to explain what it feels like think of going thru life with cotton stuck in your ears, you can see the mouths moving, you can catch most of what’s being said but have to guess the other words like some prime time Fill In The Blanks game show.

Today I’ll be visiting Pararella Ear, Head, and Neck Institute to see if obtaining a hearing aid will get the cotton out of my ears. Granted I’ll have to save up the $1,000-$3,000 for the pair should the audiologist believe such a device is worth the cost. Easier said then done, but there's some extra work in the mix that should it pan out, the cost won't strain the house finances.

One of us today will be bringing a nation closer to together with words, the other is hoping to bring his family and friends closer to hear their words. I’m just lucky that I don’t require a custom made Caddy to get to my podium today but sure to feel the same exuberance afterwards.

That's Not Cold, THIS Is Cold!

A couple of quick hits for now as I'm still fighting off a head cold that won't go away.

- Ely. Beautiful. Cold. Temperature negative too much to write out. Everything I want to do, did.

- No Limit Omaha Tourney at Fortune Bay. 18 Players. Won it. Book it. Who wants my book? Drizz Playz Omahaz.

- Snowshoeing. First time. Loved it. Purchasing a pair this week most likely.

- Drank too much. Pissed off the wife. Too little time. Can't wait to go again.

I'll expound on frozen things later this week, but I'm sure the Obama-mania that is cresting over the horizion for Tuesday's UberBash at our nation's captial is a tad more important then ice fishing stories. Americans are try to find the rope to get us out of this recessionary period of our nation's economy, will the new administration throw the lifejacket out to the people or sit on it so their asses don't get wet? Will the campaign promises come to fruitation?

Stranger things have happen like the Buzzsaw Who Is The Arizona Cardinals in the Super Bowl?!?!?! The Steelers, while not favorites, are no surprise to be playing a couple of weeks due to their shut-down defense and Choco-taco loving quarterback, but anyone out there taking a flyer on the Cards?

Flannel Hugs

(image from PokerPlayerNewspaper.com)

Since I woke up at 2am this morning with the wife snoring and a head cold my brain is pretty much pretzel dough for the remainder of the day but I did want to pass along a story about Schecky retiring from PokerNews as said by Pauly.

As a poker fanboi, PokerNews has been great for following up-to-date tournament action from around the globe and not just getting the AKo vs. 99 all-in coin flips at the final table via TV coverage, but how those nine (or six or eight) players got there. Well-written, funny, and accurate information flowing thanks to the editor-in-chief. Good luck sir on your future endeavors.

---

Tomorrow I'll be visiting a place I once called "Utopia wrapped in flannel". Ely, MN may be one of the coldest places in the continental US (next to the neighboring towns of Tower and Embarrass and currently showing -36 as the temp), but many warm memories of late-night card games, countless bottle bass out on the lakes, and drunken arguments about the economy/sports/life that last as long as the chips are being slung across the table (or until the booze runs out for that evening).

Oh, there might be a side trip to the Fortune Bay casino (Bikini Ice Fishing team showing up in February? Oh my.) as well. They have a poker room which I have not had the chance to hit up yet, but I've heard the main game there is spread limit hold em'. Bleh. The page does mention an Omaha tourney at 6:30pm on Fridays. Should I hit up the cash games though, I haven't played spread limit since I dusted off my very first live poker buy-in at the Excal back in aught one (should have stayed at the $1-$5 Stud table).

And with just an "adult" weekend, there will be no need to run downstairs to see which kid is running around in the dark crying for mommy and daddy.

Does It Mean We're Going Steady?

This morning would be a trying one for any not use to this weather. I have a personal thermometer for what is cold and what is just normal, annoying Minnesotan winter weather.

You step outside, not the garage, but actually outside with the wind and lack of inflatable toys and balls that are screaming for you to bring them inside. While outside take a big breath, not unlike the one you take for the doctor before he checks your tar-stained lungs.

Done with the breath? Feel good to be one with nature? Did you lick the metal flag pole?



Might want to skip that last part.

Now, did your nose hairs stick to the side of your nose? I don’t care about the $75 nose hair extractor you metrosexuals purchased at Brookstone, there’s still some locks inside your snot.

This morning.

Cold.

-16 temps this morning (that not Celsius for our fair weather friends to the north, -26 C). People who think its funny to change their Facebook status to “Brad is sitting outside with flip-flops on in 70 degree weather”, need a frozen 2X4 to the back of the head courtesy of us idiots who live in these climates. Sigh. You get what you sign up for.

---

Got my teeth cleaned last night by a certified Dental Assistant and was told my canines are not hitting the right places. I replied, I’ll tell the wife to shift a little more to the left next time we’re having sex.

She almost hit her head on that overhead light-thingy while Rachel Ray prepping some chicken behind her for another wonderful 30 minute meal and was right on cue with a slight devilish laugh.

There’s a problem I had with the next part of the dentist office visit. Doctor of Dentistry enters the room and promptly puts on his little mask after asking about my impending trek to Ely this weekend (thinking more about the casino, booze, and ice fishing rather then the certain -20+ temps). Perhaps this is common procedure but I got treated to a wang rub on my arm as he reached across to get a closer look at those mis-aligned canines. I’m not adverse to human touch and have a firm hold on my heterosexuality but feeling the tube of Crest on my arm made the chicken alfredo with spinach being made on the LG HDTV up above a second thought.

---

Truckin.

It’s new.

Go read.

Truckin' - January 2008, Vol. 8, Issue 1

Welcome back to the first issue of the new year.

1. The Mollification the Foul Temptresses by Paul McGuire The hookers at the Rio were a combination of famished vultures and parched vampires ready to pick apart any carcass. Any john. Any drunk. Anybody in their path. They were evil personified.... More

2. The Orchard by Joe Speaker I reach for her hand, probing, touching it delicately. We don't form a fist when we come together, nothing like the taut intertwine of fingers you see lovers form, those Gordian knots, unwieldy like a stone fortress. Our fingers hang off each other's loosely, three of mine, two of hers, vice-versa, and they dangle. Spider webs in the wind. Tenuous connection... More

3. Hector by David PetersonI remember clearly when the cops came and took Hector's mom away. He seemed rather nonplussed by the whole thing as we stood on the curb watching a bedraggled and wild-eyed woman being escorted from her home in cut-off jeans, a loose-fitting white tank top and handcuffs... More

4. Flight #22 to Denial by Sean A. Donahue Her eyes were black as the night. Her black hair cascaded near her high cheekbones and tanned complexion. Her body wasn't made for sin but for pleasure, and the glasses she wore on her head framed her face perfectly. The only thing that didn't make sense was that it was raining over her head... More

5. Running it Twice by Andrew Moxon There are, however, certain points of opportunity. Soft places in time, when the cockpit door comes open and we second-timers can take over. That's when things can change. Sometimes, every so often, we walk through that door and start flipping the switches... More

Just For You Mister

Mr. K8 offsuit against three all-ins, here's a power punch to the nuts

Sunday Warm-up tonight, see you there still hoping to write about someone I know :)

2009 PCA Final Table Today

Almost forgot the PCA on on PokerStars.TV EPT-live today.

Also with Stephen, Howard, Dr. Pauly, and Otis giving the skinny in the PokerStarsBlog.

That'll brighten the day a little bit as the temps outside attempt to crack above zero.

Here's the media outline for the event and a couple of pictures of my favorite players from the 2009 PCA via Neil Stoddard.

5-3 offsuit? That's raise sir

Not Centre Court, but 120 mph check-raises accomplish the same thing. A winner.

POKERSTARS CARIBBEAN ADVENTURE BREAKS NEW RECORDS

ATLANTIS, PARADISE ISLAND, BAHAMAS - Jan. 8, 2009 - PokerStars(www.PokerStars.net), the world's largest online poker site, kicked off the 2009 poker season with a record-breaking field for the sixth PokerStars Caribbean Adventure (PCA) at the Atlantis Hotel and Casino in the Bahamas.

A total of 1,347 players entered this year's PCA main event, including 735 who won their seats online with PokerStars, making it the largest live poker tournament ever held outside of Las Vegas.

Event statistics from the PCA Main Event include:

*1,347 total number of players*

1,061 PokerStars players, including 735 qualifiers*

$ 12,674,000 total prize pool*

$3 million first prize

51 countries represented

The top 199 spots will get paid

The 2009 PCA Tournament $10,000 Main Event runs January 5-10, with the last two days of the event airing live on www.pokerstars.tv.

The PokerStarsCaribbean Adventure has turned into a true festival of poker and includes a wealth of events including $1K, $2K and $5K and $2k Battleship tournament,the World Cup of Poker, satellites to other live PokerStars tournaments suchas the EPT Grand Final - and a two-day $25K High Roller Event.

For more information about the PokerStars Caribbean Adventure, please visit http://www.pokerstars.com/caribbean-adventure/orwww.europeanpokertour.com/PCA/pca.html

Favorite Color is Blue, Not Pink

All geared up for poker today.

iPod charged.

Hoodie packed.

70's oversized sunglasses.

Full Tilt jersey.

Douchebag attitude.

The Drizz invasion of the Mayo Clinic was two steps out the door, then a faint call from the door stairs bedroom came in...

"Daddy, my eye hurts"

10 pounds of pus and a new prescription from Target later and I'm stuck behind the keyboard as a personal nurse today since the wife will be running around all-day.

Yea.

What started has a promising weekend has been diluted to football on TV and gentle arm-length hugs for the kid. OMG DON'T TOUCH THAT!

Sigh. Here's to hope my little wolverine doesn't get it, as she'll get into anything and everything meaning the likely hood of an embarassing phone call to work Monday morning go up exponentially.

My apologies to Oh Captain for flaking out on the road trip, but I assume the tournament going Pink Eye free today is much more important then taking my money. :)

BBT Funds Needed

I don't lead often in tourneys, but this is one hell of a start FOR REALLY B-I-G CASH!!!!!11111oneoneoneone

Ok, I'm only two drinks in. Wish me luck, don't worry there's a near full handle of Cap'n for long haul and hope everyone has their sarcasm radars up.

Update: Hour 2 ends... lose 57K pot for chip lead when I push on a 963 flop with QQ, he calls with AK... fill in the blanks. Still in but back to par instead of chip bully.

Update finale: Steal my way into bottom cash. Booooooooooooo. Now playing cheapie PLO MTT. Hate self, feel better with Valet Girls and Ski School movies at my disposal.

Update finale with stuff!: Drunken question... if you could be one penis for one day who's would you be, and why? Cashed in cheapie PLO, average chippies.

Chuck Norris quote I made up while bubbled to BuddyDonk in triple draw "Chuck Norris does not run out of bullets, he runs out of bodies"

Here's Keeley Hazell, not this is not Wicked Chops. Still in PLO but chip leader is killing me.

Update for realz: Bubble final table on river suckout. Of course.

Hitting the Wrong Hole

Many points of awesomeness in this article from Fark:


TORONTO -- A Toronto man must continue to pay child support despite a DNA test proving he is not the biological father of his ex-wife's children, a judge ruled.

Pasqualino Cornelio, who believed he fathered the 16-year-old twins after being given "incomplete and misleading information" by his ex-wife, will also not be reimbursed for previous child support payments.

"While the failure of (Anciolina) Cornelio to disclose to her husband the fact that she had an extramarital affair and that the twins might not be his biological children may well have been a moral wrong against Mr. Cornelio, it is a wrong that does not afford him a legal remedy to recover child support he has already paid, and that does not permit him to stop paying child support,"Ontario Superior Court Justice Katherine van Rensburg wrote in her decision.

Anciolina Cornelio said during the trial that she did not know the identity of the twins' father, blaming her lapse in memory on medication she was taking at the time.

Van Rensburg said her judgment was made in the best interests of the children and based on earlier precedent.

"Mr. Cornelio was the only father the twins knew during the course of the marriage. The relationship that developed from the time of their birth was the natural relationship between a parent and his children. The fact of that relationship . . . is sufficient to require Mr. Cornelio to continue to contribute toward the children's material needs,"van Rensburg wrote.

The Cornelios have been divorced for 10 years. The custody and child support arrangement was agreed upon in 2002.


Wow, gets cheated on, lives with lie for 16 years and still responsible for kids that are not his. Sure, personally I would care for them but not due to a court order. If he didn't want to pay, I'd simply forget to pay, what are they going to do tell order him to pay for kids that are not his?

And medication bit? Nice bluff ma'am pray you don't get called.

---

I was geared up to start playing a few blogger tourneys in honor of Reverend Al's announcement of the BBT4. Last night's Mookie was a perfect beginning as the kids and wife were tucked away... and you can see where this is going as I ended up curled into a frozen fetal position before the tournament even started. Closing each table last night with a thud thanks to varied crap hitting for my outstanding mouth breathing opponents that deserved to be slapped with a large trout in the balls while taunted by their ugly high school girlfriends that crossed their legs for them but turned into hot porn stars shortly after getting that diploma.

Since I've been blowing sunshine up everyone's ass lately, a mini-rant was needed. Better now StB (more Rock of Love pictures please)? But, there's just no raw nerve getting hit. Yet. Still smiling in the face of this bone-chilling weather. Maybe an untimely suckout during the Oh Captain tournament will cause a COPS-like flipout this weekend. Be prepared however to read a write up with more bunnies, flowers, and feel-good anecdotes of a degenerate treking across this glacier called Minnesota for some poker goodness with fun people.

See you tonight with drink in hand and girly chat up.

Think Tony Would Mind?

Yankees fans around the globe cheered yesterday as the recession officially came to a close. No, I’m not talking about the bloated contract of Mark Teixeira (who apparently gets dragged around by his wang, make note to the Yankees skipper to have Leigh withhold sex should Mark decided to go on a 0 for 16 skid during the Red Sox series). Or the C.C. Sabathia, A.J. Burnett, A-Rod, Jeter metric ton on American dollars sliding into their pockets giving non-pinstripe fans even more reasons to boo the Steinbrenner junta.

The real reason they are dancing in the Bronx this morning because this country’s financial woes are nothing but a broken pocket pair of aces, is because Carl Pavano is gainfully employed once again as a baseball player and not a clubhouse attendant with a job to just make sure the sunflower seeds bucket is full. This alone defies logical, stringent spending and smacks of “hey, why not, we’re rich!” type mentality of an AIG corporate officer getting his third lobster tail while being orally serviced under the table by a flown in Swedish porn star paid for by the U.S. government. $1.5 million to a guy that has proven nothing more then the ability to get his dick up for Alyssa Milano? Hell I could do that, and would for 10% of that pay then claim some season-long inner rib injury from breathing too hard after nailing Sam with re-runs of Charmed playing the background (Rose McGowan the hottest witch? Discuss).

Poker! Yes, I still play (as shown by cashing in four straight SnGs then forgetting how to read all four cards in the next four and losing in Waffles-like ways). To prove such a thing, I will be traveling to the Mayo Clinic this weekend to play with the Dalai Lama and other celebs in their cushy Presidental Lounge, stocked with the best cranberry juice ever served in those little plastic cups. Or, even better I’ll be dropping in on Oh Captain and his beautiful wife for some home game tournament action. After a greenlight from the wife I couldn’t say no to the gracious invite, not to mention a chance to play live poker without worrying about cleaning off a third pair of shit-streaked Barbie underwear in two hours.

A question for the readers out there (and RSS feed readers now outnumber vistors almost 4:1, odd), should I go the full degenerate route and hit up Treasure Island on the way back? Staying up all night then getting home in time for the Sunday Warm-Up wrap up at PokerStarsBlog? I hear those Top Gun slots calling my name… HIIIIIIIIIIIGHWAY TO THE DANNNNNNNNNGER ZOOOOOOOOOOONE!

Rockin the Granny Panties

New era for Twins baseball on the way? RIP Carl Pohlad. But, since his son Jim has been basically running the ownership show for years don’t expect the Twins to whoo Manny being Manny or a slew of other high priced/high risk big hitters into the Twins lineup for years to come. Look for better insight from Twins/Baseball-guru Aaron Gleeman to expound on the Twins future without the miserly Pohlad behind the plate.

“Four year has not yet been charged” (click link to story). Those are seven words that should never been written in any newspaper/news story other then The Onion. Seriously? Granted the reporter was just passing on the information from the sheriff’s office but doesn’t common sense seep into a story in some way? Just the fact ma’am? Four years old meaning, almost done with the ability to wipe one’s ass alone, graduating from Sprout to Nick Jr., and making up fictional stories involving “a coyote, a squid, and his adventures with Alvin, Simon, and Theodore.” I think the fact that the kid one, knew there was a gun readily accessible, two, was able to reach it, and three, was able to fire it, shows the parents were better off to blow off beer, bingo, and blowjobs night down at the lodge and find a Chuck Norris video on gun safety (my suggestion is “Invasion U.S.A.”).

Speaking of 80’s movies, for some reason I’ve found myself watching “Hot Dog: The Movie” (a poor man’s “Ski School” but Shannon Tweed’s granny panties were rockin!), “Bikini Shop”, and last night’s feature “Gas Pump Girls”. No idea for sudden interest OMG-BOOBIES! mixed with vapid-plot-line-return-to-USA-Up!-All-Night-lonely-high-school-evenings, but when needing a void after a day of work and being daddy it adds some humor into the night.

Yes, I know I should be studying for my MBA, learning five languages, and solving for "y", but I’m not that person. There are limits to my life and I recognize them. My hearing and speech problems have defined a line to which jobs I can pursue and how far my professional suit will carry me. After countless rejections, I’ve resigned to the fact that there’s a glass ceiling that will not break no matter how large my penis is, or whether I obtain a four-year college degree or not. My head injury set my life back five to six very dark years in which I woke up in the last year or two with two kids and a renewed love for my wife. But, before the injury I was all set to re-enter the college campus with a Business degree and CPA certification in mind and very little financial/mental penalty. Now, I have a mortgage, two cars, two kids, and five monthly porn subscriptions to think of.

Not sure where the next year or five will take me, but the journey now is more important to me then the goal of a piece of paper or a couple of extra digits in my bank account. Just providing financially, parentally, and husbandly (new word!!!1111oneoneone) for my family and myself is my life. This is probably the most important thing that has come out of a bad situation, and while the daily outlook gets blurred with every argument, the lifelong one doesn’t need glasses anymore.

Vikes Suck, Bloggers Do Not

Taking a week off of bloglines and life in the couch lane backed up blogger traffic like a overturned truck of hogs on a slicked Minnesota highway.

Ok, that was bad. Pardon the rust.

The Vikes did exactly what was expected, played good D, T-Jack aiming for the wrong colored jerseys, and my Vikes jersey in storage until next year.

---

Since I'm wrapped up today in paper, please direct your attention to Vinnay's site who is giving a shout out to a friend in dire need:

I know I owe a winter gathering trip report, but something more important has come up.
A friend of mine, Jeff, has had an unfortunate Christmas.

His home was destroyed by a fire on christmas morning and declared a total loss. Fortunately, he was not home at the time and no one was hurt, but he did lose his cat Maurice, along with all of his possessions. The fire was started in his tenants apartment, and quickly spread throughout the house. To make matters worse, he was just laid off from his long time manufacturing job.

Jeff is a home game poker player, and reader of many of your blogs. He is a RPG'er, and beer drinker. He is a hard-working fucker who has battled dyslexia his whole life. He's a toker, and he only has one ball. He's a flyers fan (I guess I can forgive him for that). He's one of the most generous people I know.

And he needs some help.

We have set up a site to help raise some money for him to help get him back on his feet. If you can give that would be great, but please do me a favor and link up the site for me.

http://helpjeffout.blogspot.com

Fly Like a Brick

In my best G-Rob newscaster voice, two "stories" that should be wrapped up with the phrase:

"And in other news... water is still wet back to you Diane"

Race car driver receives speeding ticket?

SCOTTSDALE, Ariz. (AP)—Danica Patrick paid a $196 fine to settle a speeding ticket after the star race car driver was caught going 54 mph in a 35 mph zone last month.

Patrick, the first woman to win an IndyCar race, was due in traffic court Monday, but a Scottsdale City Court clerk says she paid the fine Wednesday.

The 26-year-old driver was pulled over by Scottsdale police Dec. 9 in her hometown while driving a 2007 Mercedes. A year ago, she was ticketed for driving 57 mph in a 40 mph zone in Scottsdale and was ordered to attend traffic school.

Scottsdale court records show the recent tickets are among several she has received in the past three years.

A call to Patrick’s racing team wasn’t immediately returned.

And of course... Vikes will predictably choke today despite devotion towards buying countless pieces of Purple Jesus apparel, sitting through all the train wreck years like a good fan, and whining about what could have been in 1998.

I love my Vikes, but McNabb looks like he finally mastered counting up to four without using his fingers and unless Jared Allen mistakes him for someone who stole his bike and goes Bobby Boucher on his ass the Vikes' season will be over before I hit the bottom of my third beer.

SKOL Mo'Fos!!!

Taste Like Chalk

Thanks to Comcast I did not get to watch the Gophers lose to Kansas last night shipping a Mookie buy in to PokerPeaker and searches for appropriate Jayhawk fan pictures with keywords "hot jayhawk fans" "sexy Kansas college ladies" got some interesting results:

Passing Go, Collecting 2008

As I move with the rest of the world from Microsoft Word 2003 to Microsoft Word 2007 and the massive new icons that could be confused with a World of Warcraft interface. If I kill anyone during these typed words accidentally using some kind of Ice Lance/Dragon’s Breath combo, blame Bill Gates.

2008.

Many things done, many more to do. There’s bemoaning that 2008 brought nothing but stress and extra creases to people’s foreheads. Sure, with the daughter taking the terrible twos to a level probably seen by a few readers here, it has been a daily struggle to keep up her energy and defiance. But how could you be mad at a face like this:

I struggle to keep a straight face with every "no!" and "I don't do that!" but the parenting suit requires some kind of instillation of order and discipline into her life in case her aspirations in life wish to go further then flipping burgers at McDonald’s.

The boy also gives some trying days but those seem to melt into the week more often as he’s learning the invisible boundaries of mom and dad. My hopes remain that he finds whatever he’s looking for in life and enjoys growing up (but not too quickly). So far he’s following the same path as old man with a love for video games and detest forming the perfect Q or attempts to draw a snowman that looks something different then a metal chain link with a top hat.

I asked my wife for one thing this Christmas, it carries no price tag in the monetary sense but the worth for our marriage is immeasurable. No person should have to give up living and as someone who took five years of his life staring at a blank wall with little reason to lift up the covers in the morning. There are hints that she’s ready to live again, breaking away from the shells of depression and self-doubt with every victory on Scramble and smile after a spilt glass of milk. Being a parent doesn’t have an all-encompassing guidebook for dealing with a sullen husband one second and cleaning up a potty training daughter the next. I’d like my wife back as I have missed her dearly.

As for me, I just had a few requests.

Still have fun. Trips to Chicago, Philly, and of course Vegas help to recharge the batteries with friends I wish we’re a little more accessible then via Northwest Airlines. This year should be no different, anyone up for bar games prop bets?

Be a better husband. Give space. Give hugs. Give encouragement. Give myself.

Learn more. Rosetta Stone, you’re going to get a new customer, habla taco y salsa? I don’t want to show up the genius that came up with that salmon spread at Bouchon’s, but I’d like to progress beyond ripping open some plastic and setting the microwave to 1:45 and remembering to turn over the nuggets half way through.

Poker. I lost my keepyourpokerface.com gig (thank you Google!) but gained a big one when Otis gave me a great opportunity at the PokerStarsBlog and my hopes are people enjoy reading those recaps and live blogs. I realize this isn’t a permanent, career changing gig, but I’ve never been happier that someone had the confidence to take a shot with me. Much like the friendships found thru this silly card game, I hope to ride out the job like a mechanical bull in Key West and hold on for all its worth regardless of possible bruised inner thighs.

Hit and Missed

Should feel good about the Vikes winning.

Don't.

Was promising to see T-Jack negotiate a winning drive after being unable to shake off the Giants' JV team in the second half.

Congrats to those who monied in Pauly's pick em' pool. I was in the running late but thanks to the Cowboys eating too many cheesesteaks prior to the game I'll just applaud the victors instead.

Time to work hard for the next six-seven hours at the PokerStarsBlog then I'm officially on vacation for the next week.

Ciao.

Snowflake Dreams

The temperature didn’t have a second digit in front of it, nor did it have a minus sign behind it. The wind blew softly enough to tickle versus removing layers of skin as it blew from East to West. The snow had a Select Comfort feel to it without the $1,500 buttons to adjust firmness. For a fraction of the cost, extra white stuff could be packed in by two eager kids bundled up to enjoy the Minnesota winter.

Sledding, the first snowball which disappeared mid-flight due to fluffiness, the first snow tunnel since the accumulation was now deep enough to warrant such architectural creations. A quiet five minutes looking straight up at the bottomless blue sky allowed the stress of the holiday to seep right into my newly formed mattress of snowflakes.

The holidays used to mean to me presents, more presents, and stuffing yourself silly with cookies that were carefully baked over the course of two weeks. Now, it’s about observing, giving, and sitting on the couch with a decent brew or drink (hot apple cider plus Captain Morgan = win). Watching the kids emulate their best Wolverine moves against my wife’s best Christmas present wrapping jobs finally brought a quick smile to my face in what has been a struggle to keep my sanity. The robot, the video game, the Barbie three-wheeled scooter so the two of them could collect asphalt burns at the same time brought .2 seconds of glee from their faces followed by “where’s my next present?!?!”. My wife got a present from the kids, as she got mad at the idea of present from me since we agreed not to exchange gifts (due to purchasing a certain TV in the last picture in this post) and she’ll be getting her hair done at the kids’ expense*. Me? I asked my wife for something that carries no monetary value and something that cannot be given at any one time. It’s something I have hoped for a long time and something that will hopefully come sooner then later.

Then as the day came to a close, the leftover brown sugar coated bacon-weenie wraps and other nutritionally sound food were put away, the newly acquired popcorn popper got its first test run.

Two Academy Award winning features were put up on the Christmas gift me and the wife chose a few weeks ago. Ok, it was Tom and Jerry in The Cat Concerto (1946) and The Little Orphan (1948). By the time the Interpol warnings of piracy came in French after the first picture, three people had to be stirred from their slumber to close the books on another holiday season.

Since I wasn’t available yesterday to give a holiday shout out. Merry Christmas/Happy Boxing Day to all my friends who read here. Know that you are a big reason why there’s a smile on my face this morning despite being surrounded by four walls of work this morning.

* not really, but they paid .05% of it and let their mother know it

Big Weekend of Record Breaking at PokerStars

More personal post to come later (if I don't hit the almond bark pretzels and mass quantities of beer I have stored up for this weekend).

Here's a lead in for those hitting up the tables this weekend at PokerStars, looks to be some either massive fields or massive overlays, either way big money is there:

POKERSTARS ENDS 2008 WITH A WORLD RECORD-BREAKING WEEK
London, (UK), DECEMBER 24, 2008 -

PokerStars will end 2008 with a massive'World Record Week' - giving players the chance to enter into the GuinnessBook of World Records when PokerStars try and break their second Guinness World Record of 2008.

On December 28, 2008 at 3:30 EST, PokerStars will invite as many as 35,000 players to help them attempt to break the World Record for the 'LargestOnline Poker Tournament', which currently stands at 26,517 players*.

PokerStars broke the Guinness Book of World Record for 'The Most Players toSimultaneously Play Poker Online' which PokerStars previously set at 151,758 on Sunday December 30, 2007. They hit 213,000 players on Sunday November 30,2008.The World Record attempt tournament is accessible to all players, with the buy-in at $11 and a guaranteed $500,000 prize pool.

The Guinness WorldRecord Attempt tournament can be found under the Tourney > Special tab in the PokerStars game lobby.To add to the excitement for players, PokerStars will also be hosting a series of fantastic tournaments and cash giveaways in the final week of 2008.

To celebrate the end of an incredible year they are raising theguarantee on their world famous Sunday Million tournament to $2,500,000,making it the largest ever PokerStars Sunday Million guaranteed prize pool.

The tournament takes place on Sunday December 28, 2008 at 16:30 ET.

They will also be guaranteeing a massive $1,000,000 prize pool for theSunday Warm-up which starts at 12:45 ET on December 28, 2008. Extra FPPqualifiers for the 'World Record Week' Sunday Million tournament will alsobe running - meaning all PokerStars players have the chance to end 2008 on a high.

For more information on the PokerStars World Record Week and a fulldescription of all the tournaments and cash giveaways, players should checkthe PokerStars website, blog and games lobby over the coming few days.

*PokerStars own unofficial record

About www.pokerstars.net:PokerStars is the world's largest poker room with over 16 million members worldwide, and more free-to-play tables than any other site. At PokerStars.net players learn how to play, and practice poker skills for free.

As the premier destination for the top players, with numerous tournaments running every day, PokerStars is renowned for offering the bestsoftware and security in the online poker world. PokerStars:* Has dealt over 23 billion hands* Has run more than 100 million poker tournaments* Have had over 213,000 simultaneous players, and entered the Guinness Book of World Records as the first and only poker website to reach the 160,000 simultaneous players mark

This Just In: Packers Suck

After watching the Packer flop in the second half of the "let's-hand-the-Vikings-their-playoff-on-a-silver-plater" game last night I have one thing to say.

Packers suck.

Tonight, I will be curling up with a nice glass of Surly and not dusting off two ill-advised buy-ins by playing the usual low stakes games that make poker fun for me.

Or playing those addicting Facebook games Scramble and Pathwords.

Probably the later since it won't cost an iPod Touch when you spell the easy four letter word versus shouting a few of them after watching people win with eight high then you lose with the second nuts for a solid hour.

Crisco Belongs On Cookies Not Running Backs

That cringing reflex for a certain train wreck happens many times if you’re living a full life and not glued to watching the looped five hour weigh-in replay on Biggest Loser.

While at the bar during late night happy hour 2 for 1s and after downing a dozen JagBombs your friend leaves his TNT Trivia screen and $.25 wings for the first time since sitting down three hours ago to go hit on the busty blonde in the Adrian Peterson jersey (feel free to substitute the flavor-of-the-season sports gear in your area here) and purple leggings. With the suaveness of a guy who couldn’t even pick up a hooker, you gaze upon the impending rejection with horror but can’t stop watching.

All dressed in white, poker night buddies clothed to the nines with expensively rolled Cubans standing in a circle outside the Marriot chatting about their latest conquests. You nod and dip your cigar into the special edition Johnny Walker Blue while the groom has the biggest shit-eating grin on his face because there’s a bride inside that will give him what he’s been training for in his parent’s basement the last seven years with fuzzy porn and a found bottle of Astroglide. Unfortunately for that usually sober cab friend, he decided on the wrong night to rock his inner alcoholic and get wheelchair drunk as his stories about the virginally dressed bride steer from Readers Digest to Penthouse Letter-of-the-Month and you suddenly see the blushing bride’s face within an earshot go from pink to volcano red.

Yesterday if you’re a Vikings fan after the first fumble you knew the team would go the way of whiskey dick and end up sitting in the stands holding that $250 two-piece lingerie set from Fredrick’s of Hollywood wondering what could have been. No morning touchdown dance, just a cold floor hangover from a game that died due to the Crisco greased hands of several Vikings yesterday, including the savior, Purple Jesus. Instead of going into a meaningless game in the dome next week against the Giants’ JV team; they’re most likely playing for the NFC North title after the limp goudaheads trot out against a Bears team still fighting for that playoff spot.

Go Pack? If The Wife is reading, I’ll be rocking the Packers t-shirt and hat tonight for all its worth.

The present train wreck is watching that once beautifully dressed wife eight years ago when your ring went on her finger, entered the cold porch that has a space heater working overtime due to the -20 windchills blowing thru the area. She has “that look” on her face like you just got caught nailing Deandra on a massage table while eating the last chocolate chip cookie and holding the garbage she told you to bring out an hour ago. This male has no idea what sort of injustice to humanity he just committed except that he missed the very important third replay of the recent touchdown and his drink is getting dangerously low.

Any tips on how to avoid, defend, or deflect this gaze of death?

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I glanced at the WBCOOP results yesterday but had no clue who the first six people on the list were, but will give a shout out to our favorite radio host, Buddy Dank, on his 12 place finish. Stars did a great job limiting the fields and improving the structure to lean towards overall poker knowledge versus the NL Hold Em’ push donks, but those start times limited this blogger to participating in only one qualifying event. Maybe next year.

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Pauly’s Pub pool on ESPN.com? I made my move on Sunday, I am Tiger Woods. Fear the Drizz. I want the double win or at least a call from Daddy where we’ll chat about the proper sausage length, width, and spiciness to introduce a new woman according to type of panties worn.

Vikes, Dirty Birds, WBCOOP

Hit up the live blog of the World Blogger Championship of Online Poker today. See G-Rob go out with 5 hi trying to bluff someone off a Royal Flush.

Take your mind off the Pats Fanbois taking to the Buzzsaw Cardinals at the moment and await the arrival of the Purple Jesus later this afternoon.

One time? Please. Vikes fans need a little love here. Over/Under on 1998 NFC Championship Game highlights shown is set at 6. I'll be enjoying my usual with hopes that T-Jack maintains his Randall Cunningham-ish performances as of late.

Serve It Up: Boris Becker Battleship Poker at the PCA

Sadly, I've struck out in my $2 satellite for the PCA, but four players will be living it up in paradise for some Battleship poker with the tennis legend.

POKER CHALLENGE AT PCA
Qualifiers Will Travel to The Bahamas to Play in Heads-Up Match with the Tennis Legend

Paradise Island, Bahamas – December 18, 2008 – Six time Grand Slam winner Boris Becker will face off against four North American PokerStars qualifiers in a heads-up Battleship-style match during the 2009 PokerStars Caribbean Adventure (PCA) at the Atlantis Paradise Island Hotel and Casino in The Bahamas. The seven online qualifiers will play Becker for a seat to the 2009 PCA Main Event being held from January 5-10, 2009.

Battleship Poker made its debut at PCA in 2006, and this year four North American PokerStars qualifiers won their chance to compete against Becker heads-up for a seat to the main event. Anderson, 23, played in free daily and weekly “Battle Boris” tournaments and progressed his way to the weekly finals all the way to the Grand Final for the chance to play Becker in the Bahamas.

Battleship-style poker is where two players compete in heads-up poker sitting across from one another. The catch is that, although they are playing live, the game itself is played online at PokerStars.net, and the players have two laptops back to back. The other three North American qualifiers include Itsik Oknin of Ottawa, Canada, Joshua Miloy of Oley, PA, Keith Anderson and Michel Dion of Quebec, Canada.

““Battleship poker gives you all the fast play luxuries of online poker, but also allows you to look your opponent in the eye,” said Becker. “It’s an exciting game to play and I’m really looking forward to competing against these players.”
The second largest tournament in North America, PCA has a buy-in of $10,000 and occurs every January. Every year, the PokerStars Caribbean Adventure brings together the world’s top players to compete for huge cash prizes.

For more information about the PokerStars Caribbean Adventure, please visit http://www.pokerstars.com/caribbean-adventure/

Clean Up Aisle Nine

Today I was intent on bullet pointing another "successful" WPBT Winter Classic trip to Vegas.

Instead I...

• Showed up at the in-store Target health clinic right after work to receive word that my daughter's ear is fine and there's no infection. While carrying the boy two steps out of the small clinic he decides to unleash a furious puking show unseen since the pie eating scene in Stand By Me
• Got home, cleaned up the remaining vomit, daughter decided for the rest of the evening that I was not her favorite sperm donator in the world and proceeded to resist bedtime pleas for over an hour with Thor-like hammer wailings against her door/wall/dresser/house. Headache at Defcon 5.
• Played the Mookie, got a big stack, lost one big suckout which would have allowed me to coast, then proceeded to get pummeled by the short stack card rack sitting to my right on five different all-ins for him, bubbled in 9th
• Played the WBCOOP at Stars for the only event I would be home for. Luck was on my side as the game was PLO8 (was feeling good F-Train, congrats on the finish). Luck was not on my side when 40 spots to the main event ticket, someone decided 89TJ rainbow was a shove worthy hand versus my obvious connected AAXX when I 3-bet him and he still had plenty of chips to fold and wait for another hand, he hits two pair, I do not recover nor receive a ticket.
• This morning I attempt to get the one thing that makes me happy right below a wake-up blow job, a nicely crafted hot chocolate. The vending machine $.75 stuff kicks much ass for despite its three quarter cost, but today it spat out dirty hot water instead. I contempated getting my softball bat from my car at this point to unleash the fury at this ineptitude with a swift home swing that would make A-Rod jealous.
• In the continued search for a hot chocolate I bit the .45 calber bullet and attempted the vapid Starbuck route of obtaining my liquid sunshine. Overpaid for warm Nestle Quik in a fancy loco'd cup. Mix that in with what I lost in Vegas, plus the wonderful cold shoulders at home I may need a padded room very soon.

If there's a news story coming from KARE11.com about a man running down Hwy. 610 with a Starbucks cup in one hand, softball bat in the other singing "Bicycle Race" please call my wife to come pick me up.

A Taste of the High Life

Walking down the hallways of the void after spending 20 hours of a 24 hour day in the mist of carnival lights, exposed flesh, and the money vacuum of the roulette tables it dawns on a person “why did I come again?”.

Vegas separates a person from life for a few minutes, a hour, a day, a week, depending on the degeneracy level of the person buying the rights to a bed for the weekend. Most are better off not over thinking with thoughts of what happened in this room with the Geisha Bar regulars last weekend and just think of it as a temporary domicile to rest their rum-soaked heads.

Why does Vegas entice a suburban father of two to make a trip out west, knowing full well illness, hangover, and a lighter wallet are a near certainty? If you offered someone a baseball bat to the head while injecting their right arm with a nasty flu strain and pocket that money clip found in his right pocket, most people would lean to pass on such things.

Me? I welcome it.

Because for three/four days a year there’s no wake up call, no schedule, no limits. All my vices are allowed to run rampant up and down Las Vegas Boulevard and come back to a loving family refreshed mentally. That’s half of the trip, the half that makes the journey worth it was found at Bouchon’s, the Geisha Bar, the EBay slots, a quick conversation in the MGM Sportsbook bar, hoisting mini-boots of SoCo, and can’t-barely-bet-and-desperately-need-water early morning Pai Gow games.

The WPBT group, or whatever the associated group-think name is currently, they push away Vegas’ curtain of fake DDs and fake sincerity enough to make the trip a sure bet. My weekend was filled once again with laughter, a lighter wallet, and even more memories of the people I’m honored to call friends.

With each trip I take away something new, this time it was fine dining. There were eight seated at the “causal” French bistro of Bouchon’s at the Venetian. To the middle-lower working class guy with the speech problems, I didn’t have to try to “fit-in” thanks to the other seven. There was no stigma of high schoolish cliché where something brilliant and worthy of a successful stand-up comedian needed to exit my Minnesotan accented mouth to feel accepted.

The dinner started with a wonderful Sam Smith Nut Brown which was actually under priced at $8 as our group took up the bar area to check out the menu of wines that included an entire page of fermented grapes that could be purchased at $1,000+ a bottle. The table was then set out for Speaker and his girlfriend Angelique, Bobby Bracelet and Elizabeth, BG, and the G+G Makeout Factory minus Garth’s googles.

Hotties all around, and even the ladies were attractive.

Menus? Wrapped around the napkin. I already knew the Steak Frites were my target for the evening but was secretly hoping to expand a bit on my corn dog/pizza/chicken strips palate and try something new. There were a lot of new. Starting with a leafy salad with vinaigrette and a white crown shaped deal on the side. Goat cheese. Being a solid Midwestern hick, goat cheese isn’t something that I’ve thrown on a triple bacon cheeseburger with BBQ sauce. That may change: rich, smooth, and made the salad into a meal. Meanwhile Speaker picked the Rillette aux Deux Saumons which is French for Fuckin Good Salmon spread. Hopefully Speaker will have the full description on how it was made but there was butter, and more butter, with a side of butter that knocked it out of the park.

Next was the wine selection by the brothers, and they came through with a flourish. Three bottles were consumed by the table, and despite putting a stop of alcoholic binging several hours earlier, my head was lump of red-tinted bread dough just off a few glasses by the end of the evening.

Frites, lots of frites soon showered the table as the main courses made their way to our table. The steak did not disappoint, carmelized shallots (again first taste for me) braised the top of my meat and made each bite better then the last. The ladies found their way into Mussels which to me were something I’ve only seen on a boat after getting out of the lake while catching a few bottle bass and too much sun. Next time we might have to steam those puppies up, yum. On my right the better half of the G+G Makeout Factory had this dish that looked like a rounded mini-muffin pan while smells that tickled the only one my five senses that actually works to its fullest.

These little escarole were soaked in butter and garlic with a flaky crust on top. Again, a first, again amazed. Dessert was politely refused, but the conversation was not, my only regret was not speaking up for the Nardi brothers to suggest another bottle of vino and continue time with old friends while making some ones.

The rest of the weekend will be touched in tomorrow’s post as this dinner was my new experience to a place I’ve visited many times but never seen this side of it, including the smoking hot women in outfits that six month of mortgage payments would make a down payment on their belts.

Freddy Mercury lives! Jared Allen sack dances! Drizz loses playing those goddamn slots again! Asshole at the IP Mixed Game!

See you tomorrow, right now I’m wagering a gallon of OJ against all the flu/cold crap my family and co-workers are desperate to pass on to me. The pathogens are winning damnit.

Can I Wear That Hat?

For feeds: I want to ride again soon.

Vegas 08' Begins

Last Breath of Cold Air

This is always the issue about heading off for the Winter Classic in Vegas: Too many places to go, too many people to see, but never before I check-in to some fleabag hotel...

.... except this time as soon as I hop off the plane there's three different venues to hit up!

First: Hard Rock Café to watch Sweet Sweet Pablo, Minty Fresh Gracie, Columbo, and of course AlCantHang (more tube sock girls, yes please) hitting up the Poker Jingle Charity tournament to benefit the leukemia and lymphoma society. Looks like a lot of Full Tilt and other "name" pros are hitting up this one, great chance to show your stuff and give cash to a worthy cause after check-raising Beth Shak into giving you a picture with her. Yum.

Second: The Pinball Hall of Fame. After checking my flight info, I might be too late for a pinball showdown with the blogfather and Rooster (KA-KAW!!!), but if you're already in Vegas like some fuckers today, hook up with Joaquin for a trip to show off your childhood ability to turn two dollars in quarters into an afternoon of entertainment or lunch money for the rest of the week (like some degenerates did by playing a buck a game with onlookers).

Third: Yardhouse. After at least one shot with he-who-turns-mush-into-viable-government-papers its off to this sizable brew pub that may or may not carry Miller Lite.

Fourth (I'm tired already): Meet up with cousin from Minnesota in Vegas (who will probably be the other person wearing shorts tomorrow in Vegas), maybe see if he'd like to view the maddness of the blogger MGM Mixed Game first hand and knock over my tower of chips before a certain princesses and an evil degenerate who gives back rubs just to get you to call that river check-raise do so.

After all that I'll need a wheelchair ride from something other then stupidly pouring a bottle of Bacardi 151 down my throat.

---

I always wondered why the gentle folks at Kissing Suzy Kolber were so mean to one Peter King of SI...

"I think despite seven viable MVP canadiates in the NFL right now you have to go with Peyton Manning".

This spew from one Peter King was heard by me (and all the glory of my half-deaf ears) while driving over the last frozen bridge to work while listening to Mike and Mike (which is surprising good imo) heading into hours of nailbiting suspense till I hit the McCarren taramac tomorrow afternoon.

Good god Mr. King, I've had Peyton on my fantasy team (selected first round) all season and have been starting Aaron Rodgers (giving myself 10 lashes to my back each week for a Packer on my squad) every week except the last one. Why? Does one have to dredge up that abomination of a game against the Browns where completing a forward pass seemed as unlikely as Britney Spears heading off to Oslo to pick up her third Nobel Prize for Literature.

I don't see the Colts Quarterback (despite their late run towards the playoffs) jumping off the page as "Most Valuable". Maybe most likely to appear in the next commerical type prop bet while watching football at the MGM on Sunday, but nothing measty about his efforts this year.

Nothing about his season jumps out and says "HE'S THE MAN!". Brenda Warner's porcupine hair wants to have a word with you.

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See you tomorrow folks! And to those already there, keep an eye on the shifty Cheesehead StB to leave some Captain for me at the Geisha Bar.

Peace.

888 Poker

Poker players always have their own preference. They like their tables, their companies, their terms of service and the people the play with at certain sites. Party poker has its offers, poker stars has its advantages and of course trailing close behind is pacific poker.

Only in the last ten years or so has online poker taken off so drastically. In the 80’s I’m sure no one heard of Poker being played at a computer desk. No one would stay in to click the mouse and try to rack up a few quid, it was unheard of. Slowly in the mid to late 90’s did this start. P

eople even quit their jobs as they believe they can make a sufficient stipend on the makings of a few online poker tournaments a few nights a week. In my opinion, best of luck to them, I hope they become millionaires. We have all seen it happen – from 17$ buy ins straight to chairs at the WSOP big timers. It can be done.

Good luck to everyone, and don’t hate the player, hate the game!

More Then One Way to Tilt

Iggy, prepare to meet your match.

2 days.

Bring your prop bets folks, for the record the easiest money to take off me is in Video Games, Darts, Shuffleboard, Boxing, Pool, and of course *Arm-Wrestling. I'm just a little, meek and weak accounting cube dweller.

*I'm hoping no one took pictures/video while at Al's bash

LAPT - Mexico Update

Big update for those wondering about the aborted LAPT - Mexico from PokerStars:

Nuevo Vallarta, Mexico – December 9, 2009 -- PokerStars.net today announced that they will be offering a free roll on their site to all remaining players in the suspended LAPT Mexico event. The players will start with the same number of chips they had when the tournament was suspended and they will play down to the final table. The final nine will then be flown to the LAPT Vina del Mar in Chile, where they will finish the tournament live on a televised table.

“We know that many of our remaining players really wanted the opportunity to finish this tournament and earn their shot at an LAPT title” says Sarne Lightman, Director of Marketing for PokerStars Latin America. “Although the tournament was suspended and the prize money distributed, PokerStars still wants to offer their players this extra opportunity. PokerStars will also be adding $50,000 in prize money to the final table. “

PokerStars will be contacting all the players shortly with a choice of available times and dates for the free roll and will then schedule the time most convenient to most players.

Bodoggin With the Blogfather

Just because I haven't been able to play, doesn't mean I can't pimp. Good luck in the Bodoggie tonight with these extra prizes:

This week Bodog is offering online poker players the opportunity to knock out two poker blogger legacies in their Bodog Blogger Tournament Series.

Starting on Tuesday December 9th, a bounty will be placed on the head of Iggy, notoriously known as The Blogfather of Poker. Then, on Thursday December 11th, there will be a bounty on the head of Smokkee, the Bodog blogger tournament series host and the ONLY poker blogger to successfully seize his own bounty!

Both bounties are for T$109 to play in Bodog's $100,000 Guaranteed Poker Tournament that occurs each Sunday at 4 pm. With one of the biggest overlays in the industry, the value of this tournament is literally unbeatable. Whatever your skill set as a poker player, it's a perfect chance to win a fat cash payout.

So if you're an online poker player and you have a legitimate poker blog, you don't want to miss playing these tournaments! Download Bodog poker and register yourself at bodogbloggertournament.com

Good luck to all who participate and may the best poker blogger take the bullseye on these bounty player legacies!

Not Exactly Top Ten

That could have went better.

For my birthday I received a head butt, got peed on, stepped on, ignored due to Holly Hobbie's search for maple tree sap for the Spring Festival, kicked in the balls, and finished the night with blue balls.

At least the home cooking was supreme as always: Huge breaded pork chops, whipped potatoes, layer biscuits, and topped off with some angel food cake with ice cream.

At least my stomach was satisified and I got to see my brother and sister. If there's a wonder why I enjoy my fantasy-land birthday's in Vegas, look above. Call it selfish if you want, but it would have been nice to have a birthday celebration with at least an enjoyable dinner and laughs instead of fighting with a two year old to finish her dinner.

See you folks in four days, I'm hoping for a better attitude by then because right now I'm mired in a cloud "don't give a fuck". And if history repeats itself, that's a dangerous attitude to have in Vegas.

Still Not Old Enough To Care

For unknown reasons I was up at 2am this morning tossing and turning with several mirror-gazing moments. Flashes of parties, gatherings, car rides, bar closings, kisses, strolls, tears, those thoughts rolled by before the final bell went off two and half hours later. Freeze ass off while wobbling into the shower, then greeted by my wife after putting on the work wear.

“Happy Birthday”.

For the past four years those words came out while downing unknown amounts of free drinks inside Las Vegas’ various concrete palaces. Eyes glazed over with a tower of chips in front of me, not knowing nor caring if I had more now then purchased several hours ago. Each year surrounded by a group of friends that expands daily, monthly, yearly, that more people step aside from the Yahoo IM chat box and purchase a plane ticket to meet avatars and hacked words from .blogspot.com websites at the Geisha Bar.

Those people will have to wait until this Friday (I refuse to acknowledge the dickheads getting there a day before me). Now, another gathering will be dashing to the MGM mixed game, staying up late to sling alcohol-soused stories, and meeting these strangers again for the first time. It’s why people show up every year. If there was a five mile radius around this group, the owner of the bar in the epicenter of that circle could start plans to build a Key West retirement home after one year. But, because we live so far apart our livers are graceful for real life things like mortgage payments, spouses, and comfty couches for Sunday NFL afternoons without the tax deductions producing another gray hair on the chin instead of wondering how we’re going to pay for detox.

As for myself growing a year older? I’ve gained my independence back, there’s a job I actually give a shit about, and found the people with a similar last name in my house to be more then tolerable again. Walking thru the mud room and upstairs after the work day is done with awe instead of gloom, I love just watching them and being close to them whenever possible. And thanks to the extra work, I’m able to be a little more flexible with money and the guilt factor of shuttling off to Vegas for an extended weekend is packaged into making sure extra hugs are given upon returning.

The Winter Gathering in Vegas is detoxing of the degenerate soul, and those who you’ll see this week are there for similar reasons. Make sure you introduce yourself and imbibe with those of similar minds but don’t forget to take a stroll along the strip yourself and lose everything you have mentally and start anew when opening the doors to the Imperial Palace champagne pit to lay down a quarter on blackjack.

Purple Jesus Likes Surly

Work is done.

Time for some fun.

Five looooooooooooooooong days. Make em' short people.

World Cup of Poker V Live Blogging

With Otis and Pauly currently putting their lime tossing aside while the federales squabble over who gets the under-the-table payment to continue cancel the LAPT Mexico tournament...

... join us over at the PokerStarsBlog tomorrow for live blogging coverage of the Divisional PokerStars WorldCup team tournaments. A complete freeroll in which nine teams from all across the world will be trying to reach the PokerStars Caribbean Adverture in a little different manner. They'll will be playing along side the PCA main event for $100,000 to the winning team of five.

I'll be on the morning crew with Texas April, Short-Stack Shamus, and Falstaff bringing Deutschland, U.K., Europe, and the Rest of the World divisions to friendly doorsteps of the internet.

World Blogger Championship of Online Poker

I'll be there when I can. Good luck again everyone :)

I have registered to play in the PokerStars World Blogger Championship of Online Poker!

All bloggers can play in this exclusive online poker tournament.

Registration code:
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158220

Here Piggy Piggy

The new age Christmas Story has been written. Go check out Truckin this month read the entire awesome rack of stories of course, but I turned my attention to “The Last Christmas”. After reading, anyone else see Olympia Dukakis or Estelle Getty (pre-ashes and bones) at the head of that table?

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My rant yesterday was there, and the Williams boys got their day in court much sooner then I thought. Now the heady legal types around THIS state seem to see that the Williams have some legit beef with Czar Goodell. Check out this article where studious law-types drag out the Minnesota state law about drug testing and enforcement on state employees. Granted the NFL’s lawyers will be looking to punch any and every hole into these Minnesota state drug testing laws but after reading the article it could be until next season that the interior of the Viking’s line would have to face these charges. The NFL is not the federal government, but then again the NFL is not based in Minnesota, are the Williams NFL employees or Minnesota Vikings employees protected by the state’s laws versus where the NFL corporate offices are (on Park Ave. in New York).

Losing 1/4th of their yearly salary plus an above average shot at a playoff run this year is well worth the fight for these two. Especially for Pat Williams who is in his mid-30s.

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Happy Birthday to Otis. He’s on his way to Mexico for cervezas, tequila shooters, chiclet selling street kids, and Tijuana lesbian donkey shows for the next week or so. Or he might slide by Nuevo Vallarta for the PokerStars sponsored LAPT event.

Either one sounds much better then not feeling your fingers for the first ten minutes in the car.

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Daddy, if you want some bacon, there's some of the live variety running around right behind my house right now thanks to an accident on the freeway no more then a block from my porch. I'll grab some rope for you from the shed.

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The itch is getting to me.

Eight days.

Bumps Need Some Ice

Dear Roger “I am Supreme Chancellor Master of the Universe” Goodell,

Wrap your lips around a bucket of dicks.

Signed,

Viking Fans

Big Daddy Drew over at KSK uses his vast vocabularly to express what I cannot below. He too is a loyal and proud follower of the Purple's ups-and-downs and quite possibly the best football ranting read out there. I just purchased his book, I suggest if you enjoy his brand of sport humor that you check it out as well.

A tale of the Vikings woe:

First, the quarterbacking position (which still causes acid reflux every play) went from T-Jack is the man, to T-Jack can’t throw for shit so we’ll duct tape together a 54 year old Gus Frerotte and have him throw the same limp salami passes but with the mobility of Lark using grandpa that has trouble reaching for his medic alert button.

Next, all-world linebacker that you never heard of unless you follow the NFL aside from the Berman-infused backbackbackback ESPN highlights, E.J. Henderson, goes down early in the season, the Vikes grab someone they cut from the squad but is doing a decent enough job to warrant a pat on the tush.

Now, I-Am-Legend Goodell decides to make the water pill infused Williams Wall his scapegoats (along with four others) because his chicken chow mein had a little too much celery for his highness liking and decided to possibly shit bricks on the suddenly promising Vikings season. Granted this week’s game is against the Chuck E Cheese ball crawl clean-up crew, the suspensions of Pat and Kevin Williams for the rest of the season will give the bloated Culpepper doll a chance this week to enact revenge on the team which turned their backs on him. Maybe they’ll get their day in court ASAP and this ranting will become a puddle of vapid whining better left for when my aces get cracked.

The Vikes should win Sunday against the Ford quality JV squad regardless of any legal tricks up the team’s lawyer’s sleeves. But, with the Buzzsaw Cardinals (props to KSK), Falcons, and ending with the Giants anything less then perfect play will show the gaping hole left with these suspensions in the team that showed flashes of their preseason promise last week.

This team wins on defense. Period. The reason Purple Jesus and Chester Taylor are so effective is the punishment they deliver over the first two/three quarter because the defense puts the ball into their hands.

Should the Vikes lose and I have to face the shame of the Nardi brothers chanting IN YOUR FACE next weekend in Vegas together with a hundred other invisible internet friends, I will not be able to fully enjoy the hot waitress in her Vikings garb that will be serving me during the Purple’s game on the 14th.

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Any chance a parent out there knows the best relaxation technique to working a ten hour day and coming home to listen to the whining of a five year old for two hours straight outside of locking the door putting on some three-way porn, tingle sensation Astroglide, shot of Wild Turkey, and going to town with the masturbation tool of choice?

Granted the bedtime story reading of Dora’s adventure to bringing balloons to the rainbow party or Scooby Doo’s crew solving another mystery via splitting up on Fred’s direction and capturing the bad guy in a way that would make Auric Goldfinger or Dr. No take a second look, makes everything all right for both of us at the end of the night. But, what about diffusing the situation at hand? Calm voice? Check. Allowed time to cool off? Check. Peace of a monk slipping green tea despite a raging headache? Check.

Share your tips in the comments if you’d be so kind.

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Nine days. Or eight if you're like some assholes that have the nerve of starting the party early.

More Weekends Like That Please

If there was ever such a thing as football porn for Vikings fans, minus hot cheerleaders with implants getting plugged by ripped guys with IQs less then Devin Hester, it happen last night. Listening to Paul Allen on KFAN go apeshit so many times I was going to call my brother to offer him a Cap’n Coke or something in the booth before he blew out his voice. It was the first time all season I heard his voice with that extra thump that has made me mute the TV just to listen over the past several seasons.

That and I had a few things going on at PokerStarsBlog last night (yes Falstaff, I’ll take that drink and a chat at the Geisha bar) and looking up from my laptop at the football porn was done in quick spurts (next time guys, please don’t group your bust outs all together in a 30 minute span, my fingers and feeble brain mass would appreciate it). For those inclined on reading the wrap ups (I thank you for your support): Sunday Warm-up, Turbo Takedown, Battle of the Planets

I’d hear P.A. yelling thru my iPod earbuds and watch Berrian streak untouched down the sideline, Allen destroying the Bears offensive line, and Purple Jesus going down behind the line only to go all Lazurus on their ass and blow forward for a first down or even that big scamper down to the five. Even if its just for a week, there’s hope in the Twin Cities and for Vikes fans. If the Purple can take this game on the road, and Chilly can make some sideline calls that don’t make a fan reach for a ball-peen hammer and smash their fingers one by one, playoffs might be short-sighted. All this depends on the quarterback, who will show up? Marmalard throwing Gus, who floats balls for two hours in the air and fall woefully short of the target, or hitting Berrian in stride further then four yards down field like this play (fair warning, you may want to prepare for motion sickness before viewing).



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Packers Suck. Feel free to mock my indecision to bench DeAngelo Williams last night for Fantasy Football (oops).

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Does anyone realize that the WPBT Winter Classic is cresting over the hills currently? Sleep outlook for the next two weeks is doubtful, thankfully there’s a few weekend projects and craziness at work that should get me on that plane to Pai Gow goodness with straight faced Asian dealers and W-list Deal-a-tainers with minimal daydreaming.

Can’t wait. 11 days folks, prepare the liver, prepare for the lack of sleep, and for the best WPBT survival guide get Pauly to repost his survive list. Note the wheelchair drunk, do not attempt this, only trained idiots from nordic regions and total disgard for their lives should try this. If I were to pick out a rock bottom time in my life, that was only second to my work injury.

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The Vikes weren’t the highlight of my holiday weekend however. It was the quiet times with my wife.

The simple act of sitting together on the couch to decompress from two hyped-up sugar laced kids (sappy brag picture to come), Christmas shopping, and preparing for the Tasmanian Devil-like December that’s upon all of us. For a long time (read: years) she’d read a book while I hammered down on the computer leveling up some pixelized figurine or eight tabling the virtual slot machines known as NL/PLO8 games at Stars or Full Tilt.

This weekend we time just chilled out together under blankets, this pumped more life into me then any football team victory or tournament conquer ever could. Along with having a little extra pocket cash and some financial peace-of-mind thanks to the PokerStarBlog, we’re trying to be a couple again instead of just putting on our mom and dad suits while our marriage seeped thru the USB cable or the latest Jodi Picoult book.

My hope is that someday we’ll be able to balance the two.