Things Not To Put On Your Dick: Part 2

While visiting a local Buffalo Wild Wings and my son enjoying the video game plastered right into the booth, we managed to have a meal together that didn't end with having to change anyone's clothes or apologize to the waitress for recreating the Normandy Invasion around the table using ketchup, spilled milk, and various bits of food that daughter deemed unworthy of digestion.

However, Wyatt had to use the restroom and after downing the gallon size pops you get dinner there (despite FREE REFILLS!) we all resigned to the bathroom.

Unfortunately for my lower region under my Cap'n Morgan boxers, I had used just a common napkin while extracting the unholiness hotness from my fingers that is injected into those "Blazin" wings and as I gave it a last shake the burn came on. I was left to suck it up as rinsing my dick off in the sink may have attracted unwanted male attention (not that there's anything wrong with that), not to mention explaining to my son why his father looked like Lucas after putting on the loaded jock strap without a bird bath nearby to put out the flame.

I think I have issues.

Have a good weekend folks, and good luck to those shooting for the big bucks in the FTOPS tourneys!

Away Game

Drizz will be attending a home game tomorrow that doesn't include the groomsmen from his wedding, degnerate gamblers who type letters on the internets and make prop bets on who gets up from a recliner first and whether not you can get fat, nor are they going to be related to myself.

It is in the ghetto (anywhere with Minneapolis in the address) so I'll be holstering my father Marine issued sidearm while welding my trusty softball bat in my right hand to bludgeon that potential bad man in the polo shirt with a little alligator on it into a pool of his own life blood should he break my 100 foot radius personal bubble.

Wish me luck.

Tonight, we'll bring sexy back to poker as its drunken poker night and time for me to attempt again to play tournament poker for an evening and push AQs into QQ because I totally rule at the pokers! The Cap'n Cokes will be tasty and hopefully I can make some money back making last longer bets with Speaker.

22 days till Vegas kids.

Open Question:

Is there a chance for the World Series of Pai Gow to happen? I suggest the Gold Coast (I miss the ice queen of a pit boss from there and I'm sure she hasn't been able to cope with life after I left).

Just a thought. Or we could make prop bets on who will pass out prior to putting their room key in the appropriate slot.

Just Because Its There

How to defeat tilt:

Helicopter fun!

Watch a Pug spin around like a blender

Don't play poker

Kick some monster's ass



Stop staring at the calendar with December 7th circled. 23 Days.

Learning To Walk Again

“Daddy, my left skate is a little loose”

Since I’ve recovered from my accident a lot of things have taken a different flavor in life. Coming to work is no longer a chore, but an opportunity. Being married is having a friend around, instead of someone to argue about the bills with. Having kids is a blessing and seeing them learn via mistakes and asking questions, is a funny live daily Improv show versus a burden.

Nothing however could help the flavor of this hot chocolate that plopped out of the vending machine. The smell of an ice arena is mixed between a crisp Northern Minnesota morning in November sitting on a wooden deck that is overseeing a lake with a sunrise peaking through the tall pines and that last trip to the compost site where you took that month old bag of wet grass, cursing your luck for throwing scissors with your spouse on who got the honor of dropping the clippings off.

The chatter of future hurried hockey moms and dads assembled their three and four year olds to give their kids a first taste of gliding on frozen water. Not yet do the parents display three buttons of kids with fake smiles in jerseys sponsored by Dave’s Sport Shop and Osseo Meats. Nor do they feel the wallet or purse pinching ways of thousands of dollars in shoulder pads, shin pads, breezers, and traveling hockey fees. Today wasn’t about competition on who’s kid could race through a slalom of orange cones the fastest or dribble a puck around the kid who got stuck playing goalie (my apologies to goalies out there but did you really pick that position when you were five???).

I stepped off the sport court designed to act as blade protectors and shuffled the boy onto the ice and into the arms of some PVC pipe contraption that acted as an on-ice walker. He waved back cautiously before high stepping out to the fairly attractive figure skating instructor with teased long blonde hair who was surrounded by various high school assistants that managed to stay upright on two skates without assistance. I remember using an upside down garbage can and my father’s constant sighs as crutches while picking myself off of the outdoor rinks which gave an incentive to stay as dry as possible or suffer a chill equal to seeing your parents hold up your copy of Big Busty Bangaroo 16.

Flashbacks of days leaping over the boards to join the fray and absorbing another hip check from some defensive dickhead who didn’t get enough motherly attention and felt that a 120 pound beanpole was a great target for humiliation of having his skates point towards the tin roof while in midair. Most nights my revenge was to put up a goal or shuffle off a pass to a breaking winger after cutting behind the net and hitting them in stride. Luckily my son won’t have to deal with a different sort of hurt between the blue lines. The pain of not hearing a whistle after the play has been blown dead. Sitting in the penalty box while listening to my coach/father explain to the stripped gentlemen that his son was not acting in malice as he took off on a breakaway after everyone else gave up, are memories I choose to bottle up.

Nowadays they have organizations for hearing impaired players, back then it was a two ton brick of embarrassment to go along with the other fights to figure out what life was all about growing up. Luckily my kids got my wife’s ears, and with a little more luck they’ll get their dad’s stick handling skillz and sense of the ice. I never wore my glasses while playing either making me the Helen Keller of hockey using blurred outlines of colors and faint sounds to make my decision to pass or cut around a defenseman.

Taking off his plastic skates, I’m seeing a need for new ones as the blades resemble the body of a 55’ Chevy truck that hasn’t seen action since Marty McFly almost kissed his mom. The red indents from the helmet and sweat on his forehead say all the words I need to see as I offer a box of popcorn to him from the concession stand that now serves “gourmet” coffee and full five course steak dinners.

“I had fun Daddy”

“So did I” as I try to hold back a tear or seven.

Thanks for dropping by, now let us pray to Purple Jesus on a speedy recovery.

Amen.

Knowing When To Quit

You done yet?
We need to go read Truckin'

You know the time, you look at your stack or what's left of it after the money went into the middle and you're a significant favorite to win and don't. Then you make the decision, or let the anger do it for you, and continue to play with the calmness of a Key West Afternoon Shift Stripper trying to pay her gas bill twenty bucks a dance through the recently retired accountant.

Read Truckin' while I go wallow in pre-Vegas tilt as the minutes tick away with the slowness of the timepieces in "3 O'clock High"

Truckin' - November 2007, Vol. 6, Issue 11


And we're back...



1. Existentialist Conversations with Strippers: The Afternoon Shift by Paul McGuire



The club was just the type of seedy place where you might find William Kennedy Smith or any other soused heirs to the Kennedy name, knocking back cheap scotch at 3 pm while aggressively fondling the sketchy girls with visible c-section scars and multiple fresh bruises all over their cracked-out bodies.... More



2. Lonesome Cowboy Bill by AlCantHang My comfort zone is a dive rock club where I can chain smoke, power drink, and have my head assaulted with decibels equivalent to a jumbo jet taking off. The next step down the ladder would be the pubs and bars the exist for sole purpose of its patrons getting blitzed on various hardcore drinks. Then comes the sports bars, strip clubs, snooty yuppie bars, and hotel watering holes. Near the very bottom would generally be any place that plays country music... More



3. Seven Minutes with Olga by Change100 Olga led me all the way to the back and sat me down. She took her top off and grabbed my hands, placing them on her very soft, very real breasts... More



4. The Sleep Deprived Memoirs of I by Sigge S. Amdal I might as well go to sleep, I thought. And I thought about sleeping forever, the eternal sleep, and how it could feel – was it cold or was it cozy – had it not been for facts contesting life after death in terms of subjectively sensory experience... More



5. Their Father's Love by Sean A. Donahue



Tying to explain the differences and the complaints of a failed marriage is too complicated for a four-year old to understand. I think I heard the phrase, "But why daddy?" more than I ever thought I could. But it wasn't my kids' fault... More


What a Long Strange Trip It's Been...
From the Editor's Laptop: Welcome to the November issue Truckin' which contain 60% Key West themed short stories. I lead off the issue with another Key West installment of Existentialist Conversations with Strippers. AlCantHang is in the lineup this month with his own soused tale of debauchery during our sojourn to Key West. And don't forget to read Change100's piece where she described a wild night at one of the Key West strip clubs. Everyone's favorite Norwegian writer, Sigge S. Amdal, is back with another stellar submission and Sean A. Donahue returns with a tender piece about family and distance.



If you like these stories, then please tell your friends about your favorite stories. It takes a few seconds to pass along Truckin'. The writers certainly appreciate your support. Feel free to shoot me an e-mail if you know anyone who is interested in being added to the mailing list.Thanks to all of the writers who exposed their souls to the world, and did it for free. All of you inspire me and I'm admire your bravery and taking that leap of faith with me.Thanks again to everyone for wasting your precious time month after month with Truckin' and for your continuous support. Until next time.



Salukis,McG



"Being a writer is like being a psychoanalyst, but you don't get any patients." - Al Alvarez

I Plead No Contest

BobbyBracelet owes me big.

Congrats to the Packers, well-rounded game, Farve kicked ass, hat tips to all.

And I blame the Bracelet for the loss, and if Purple Jesus just got hurt, I will be bring my 28 oz. Tech Fire to Vegas and going all Jeff Gillooly on his ass.

Good luck to the cheeseheads on their season, except the dickhead who clip tackled PJ. He should rot in hell.

Drunk Poker Sucks When You Sober Up

You go out, have a good time, drink a little too much and whilst getting home the sirens of wrap draws and suckouts call your name.

Those sirens can firmly stick their thumbs up their asses next time. What was a fun little $5 knockout tourney at Full Tilt has turned into a four hour mess of falling asleep every other minute and torn between donking out for a happy meal profit, or playing my usual crap tourney game.

For now I'm choosing crap and Roxette's "Joyride" on loop. She says: Hello you fool I loooooooooooove you!

Of course she does when you fuckin give her free reign at Home Depot when agreeing to a new kitchen design. Any chance for take-backs?

If You Go Deep and Don't Cash Did You Even Play?

I think I need work on avoiding the one big hand prior to the bubble after being four of the money in the Moooooooookie and 10 off the money in a smallish $5 MTT where I stole for 45 minutes straight with my short stack (6BBs) before the hyper-big stack had enough and called my ATs push with the all powerful 43o.

Well played sir.

More points for the BBT2, but damn it sucks to be bubbling so close to the money this many times. Last night I just ran face first into Aces thinking it was a late position steal, a flopped sets of jacks gave me hope but with 9 to K straight on the board IGHN .

I r smrt pkr playa.

Starting QB for the Vikes gets announced today, does seem wrong that I hope the backup gets the start? I'd rather not have to succumb to wearing Packer gear at the IP/Mandalay Bay sportsbook next month.

Did Shula Celebrate a Patriots Loss Too Early?

The excitement is building, the Packers should be shaking after today's announcement...

KOY DETMER IS COMING TO THE VIKINGS WHOO WHOO!!!

Ok, anyone else have something midly amusing to say? Maybe they should have signed Ty instead? Is Jeff George still available? Why did I leave it on the soft rock station after switching cars with the wife, and sadly enjoyed Air Supply a little bit too much that the midly attractive chick in the Audi looked on in disgust at the stop light?

Maybe make fun of Don Shula's remarks about the asterisk because of the Patriots' "SpyGate" thingy?

I think maybe Shula popped the cork a little too early this year.

Could Someone Kindly Remove the Lure from the Packer Fans?

At least the press can get one thing right:

St. Paul, Minnesota is the number one place to come to for hockey. Damn straight.

If you're a hockey fan, there's no better place to come to then "The X" for game and the bars surrounding the place (since every ticket is sold out for the rest of the season that's probably where you're going to watch it from).

As for the recent rash of underground poker games being robbed and a very unfortunate death, I wish lawmakers would see it as an opportunity to improve security of these games, but most likely the bible thumpers will dance them to a different groove towards BAN BAN BAN ITS EVIL!!!!!1111oneoneone

No soapbox for me as I gear up for a week of Packer - Viking smack talk at KFAN.com and some Packer fans here that seem to have a super-sized shad rap stuck in mouths. Yes, little fishies it will all be over soon....

Tomlinson Who?

While Red Soxs fans corner the market on biggest annoyance outside of taking a 20 minute dump and realizing you have no toilet paper. Packer fans can be found slurping turpentine out of a Big Gulp mug behind the nearest 7-11 while jacking off to pictures of Farve’s Wranglers ads in Bow Hunter and Muzzleloaders Monthly could be coined as a close second.

I respect Packer fans unlike those who root on some team that willingly throws money at whomever they want, despite being a die hard Vikings fan and born to hate those in the green and gold. The Packer have grit, they play hard despite having one star on the team who WILL be found sucking on Pat Williams’ anus after big Pat clubs him to the Lambeau turf hard enough to imprint the yardage stripes on his back on Sunday.

Next week you get the honor of hosting Purple Jesus. Yes, He will come to your field and grace you with His glory and show just why He has returned to Earth to don shoulder pads and punish those who stand in His way of the endzone.

Amen.

I Would Gladly Pay You Tuesday for a Vikings Victory Today

Oatmeal stout in hand.

Vikes leading into the 4th quarter.

Rivers looking like a Vikings quarterback.

Could Childress hold on to his job for one more week?

I know this girl isn't betting on it.

Missed It By That Much

13th, 15th, and tonight... 4th (yes Don I misplayed that blind hand, I know).

Does it get me some player of the week love since I'm not going to Oz?

Sadly no. I cracked Aces on the way to the final table so I can't hang my head too far except for a poorly played blind vs. blind battle.

Weekend will be time to recharge from all these late nights and wicked cash game sessions.

Gash Needs Peppermint Lotion ASAP

Should you feel bad about losing to a suckout late in a tournament if you benefited from one earlier?

Now put yourself into my shoes, a player who is experiencing a month long bankroll and psyche beating worthy of a death trap in a "Saw" sequel. You know the pain is coming, but you don’t know from where, and most likely the pain is going to be self-inflicted by making a wrong choice (the scene with the Latina girl putting her hands into the box with the antidode in it and the shards of metal not letting her hands out in Saw 2? Genius). But, what if you make the right choices and come out with the wrong result; can you pour over the hand histories and forget that bottom cash you took because the board didn’t play out in your favor?

Or would it bother you that you took that coin flip at the right time after two or three hours of play, or made the right steal attempt against the right player at the right time and they just happen to catch cards. No one can claim a perfect read on this game at all times, but people can use misdirection, overbets, and assortment of “plays” to give themselves more lottery tickets to win a tournament or even come out ahead after a session at the cash games.

A percentage to win doesn’t just include the cards in front you, but the play that can surround those cards. If you can make your opponent fold more often then not, then your winning percentage with any two cards for that hand goes up. Fold equity isn’t a new concept if you’ve read a few books which most people who stroll by here have. If you can get a person who normally wouldn’t call you with a inferior hand, the EV of your hand goes up beyond the percentage given if the cards were to go to showdown. Value betting isn’t a new concept either, but it does shine some light for someone like myself who is struggling with results lately.

With the exception of a misplayed KK last night, I felt I got the results I wanted but fell short when I four outer hit the river last night. Moral victory I guess, but moral victories don’t get an interview with Mookie nor do they put you on the next flight to Australia.

Tonight Riverchasers, make em’ proud bloggers with another triple digit showing as I’ll waffle on whether or not I play since two deepish finishes this week, plus a final table tonight might net me player of the week. Good luck to all if I’m not there as I’d rather be swatting at softballs then staying up until midnight to win ten shiny American cents after three hours of poker.

Maybe a dial-a-shot would extract the brilo pad stuck in my vagina tonight.

Yes, the ball left the yard... well at least the infield

Wanted: An Intelligent Thought

Battle of the Bloggers rolls on tonight, as I'm trying not to become the guy who gets points but no mobneys.

Be there, and bring your D game as I'd like to break the spell of getting beat at the wire. Tonight is the Mookie, be sure to look for Mookie himself to be giving away the easiest bounty in poker if (when) you knock him out.

Since I'm void of thought, I'm filling out a meme this morning because talking about beating "One" on the easy level of Guitar Hero III isn't compelling nor does it capitivate an audience to witness my gnarly mad ax skillz.

4 Jobs I've Held:
Trailer unloader (word to the wise... never be upwind from the fan when there's a 6'8" semi-retarded guy who forgets to wipe his ass in the middle of the summer)
General Food Technician at Jack in the Box (lasted two weeks, coffee making is tuff!)
Recoveries Collector
Auditor

4 Films I Can Watch Over and Over:
Ferris Bueller's Day Off
Any Bourne movie
Rounders
Maverick

4 TV Shows I Watch
Kids Nation
High Stakes Poker
Sportscenter
Wheel of Fortune

4 Places I've Lived:
Ramsey, Minnesota
Maple Grove, Minnesota
Scottsdale, Arizona
Robinsdale, Minnesota (yes my roots aren't going anywhere)

4 of My Favorite Books:
The Stand
The Dark Elf Triology
Act of Treason
Nintendo's Guide to Pokemon

4 Websites I Visit Daily:

ESPN.com
Fanball.com
Chicksnbreasts.com
StarTribune.com

4 Favorite Colors:
Blue
Midnight Blue
Navy Blue
Periwinkle

4 Places I'd Like to Be Right Now:
The five seat at the MGM Grand poker room in Las Vegas, NV
First hole of a golf course in Myrtle Beach, SC
On Lake Vermillion near Ely, MN catching some bottle bass from the cooler
At home with the kids jumping on me

4 Names I Like But Wouldn't Name Kids
Cyrus
Muffy
Penelope
Jack

4 Favorite Foods:
Tortellini with Alfredo and Pesto sauce
Bacon Cheeseburger with pepperjack cheese
Cheese Curds
Southern Fried Chicken

See you tonight folks.

Tilt Sphere Complete

Worse month since the dust bowl days nearly two years ago have me wondering where my tin foil is stored. If it wasn’t for the Battle of the Blogger tournaments and supporting its cause, I wouldn’t even power up my laptop at night. The temptation is there in the evening behind every cash game table, watching people chase horrible odds and unfortunately I just happen to be on the other side of the cards when Stanford beats USC.

Three tourneys, three non-cashes, three different ways of going out:

Isolate raise to a monster behind. This one really makes you wonder if the missus put some crack cocaine into the meatloaf for dinner. You feel awesomely stupid, and think “hmmmm, breathing is fun, why don’t I try mastering that before moving on to more complicated things like busting out on the bubble with an average stack on a mediocre hand and playing "Welcome to the Jungle" using the expert difficulty on Guitar Hero III”.

The coinflip. This one I had no control over, shouldn’t be mad about the play since I was low on chips and needed them to battle Lucko who was playing a very good aggressive game and would eventually go on to win.

The “any two cards” close to the final table. I just didn’t get lucky on the good end of a 65/35 flip preflop but combined with another losing night at the cash game tables put the final dagger into my trilogy of tilt. So close again, but Oz will have to wait as I’m starting to take poker too seriously again which exactly the opposite of what started almost a year long monthly winning streak. Having fun while watching the digital cards spread across the Full Tilt or PokerStars felt with Jenna Jamison in the background, freed something in my “game” and winning followed.

Thanks for dropping by, now when you watch football on the weekends do you leave the sound on? Are there ANY TV announcers that don’t make your ear drums crawl out of the canal and slap you for forcing Madden upon them? In Minnesota you should be listening to Paul Allen (P.A.) on KFAN. Likely, most of you do the same as radio announcers are 100X better then the Fox/CBS stooges sucking off Brady, Manning, and Farve even if they're not in the game you're watching.

Rage Against the Sox

The headline on Yahoo this morning:

Red Sox sweep Rockies in a DRAMATIC Game 4.

What is so dramatic about a sweep?

If you were watching this game in the first place instead of Family Guy or Bourne Ultimatum (which must be viewed every time its on despite seeing it 20+ times), you are one of the following:

a) A true baseball fan, you have Peter Gammons on tape reading the Sabermetric Baseball Encyclopedia to rock you to sleep after a marathon twelve and half hour strat-o-matic seven game playoff pitting the ’27 Yankees versus ’89 Oakland A’s, and you were writing the box score down while the Soxs and Roxs game was going on while eating a malt cup, drinking a tall glass of flat 3.2 beer, and hot dog while wearing your Sid Fernandez throw back jersey that still had tears on it from the Mets collapsing this year like Lindsay Lohan’s dress on a pole at a Vegas nightclub after too many vodka and RedBulls.

b) You had money wagered on the game, meaning you cursed that catch at the wall hoping the game would break the over/under. Or you signed up for a tournament at Fantasy Sports Live and took my money again. Bastards.

c) You’re a Boston sports fan who didn’t spank himself to sleep enough after Tom Brady pushed his “I-win” button once again and made an NFL game look like Michigan versus Appalachian State at Michigan err…. Weber State versus Ohio State? 52-7 versus a team with a shot at the playoffs? Sick.

Congrats Red Sox, you keep the Yankees’ hopes alive that money can still buy a championship.

Poker was put away for the weekend because the cycle of refueling from a series of missed flips and “bad beats” required a cooling off period. One exception was the raketherake.com freeroll (AJ is gold versus my QQ, standard), and after having a few choice words outside of the chat box for the cat avatar, I turned my attention to football again.

I would say something about the Vikings but they seem to be on a looping tape. All seven games this year have gone like this (except the Bears game which gave Vikes fans some false hope):

Starting drive, march down the field for a score ala Patriots but not as flashy

Proceed to cause fans to shout at the TV/radio/field (if at home) as to why the fuck Chester Taylor is getting the ball as much as Purple Jesus

Shout at quarterback for having the accuracy of a punch drunk Michael Spinks after one round with Tyson

Lose by one touchdown or less because the offense couldn’t get it done in the final quarter

The weekend did have a silver lining.

I got this Sunday morning because the Target ad had it on the front:

Who’s got game enough to take me on Guitar Hero 3 (Wii of course), I finished three songs on Easy last night! Tom Morello said I rocked!

Thanks for dropping by, now click here (with your speakers up and morning coffee in hand) and find the little man hiding for a prize.

Tonight.

Hoy.

Australia.

Blogger Battle.

Be there.

Push From Behind

Where were this chick's prayers when I needed them tonight????


Why do women need to be cryptic about what they want? Maybe spell it out on a sign for us?


Any yes, pocket aces do still turn on the ladies.


And when trying to bluff, using this shirt to announce the strength of your hand may be counter-productive. And you should be called out for taking extra packets of ketchup home from your job as the mayo spreader at Wendy's.

(the above links may be slightly NSFW)

Another disasterous night on the felt with only one cash in 6 tourneys. If anyone sees my luck floating in a Cap'n Coke nearby please ship it back to the North Star state. I do miss it like car sex and 16 hour mid-week naps.

Mookie Bubbles and Troubles

I will not make level 20 plays on the bubble of a tournament.

I will not make level 20 plays on the bubble of a tournament.

I will not make level 20 plays on the bubble of a tournament.

I will not make level 20 plays on the bubble of a tournament.

I will not make level 20 plays on the bubble of a tournament.


If you're looking for poker advice, Al is here to assist. I'm currently on mega tilt and can't even see straight due to a mix of my bad play (see above), and more beats in the cash games.

If you see me at the Riverchasers tourney tonight I will be drinking, most likely heavily, and tilting about the cashout curse that has kicked me in the junk for the past week.

At least I'll have funds for the Pai Gow bonus circle and a decent cigar this time in Vegas.

Absolute Parting Gift

As if they haven't stolen enough of my poker dollars, I went to cash out of Absolute Poker last week despite the very small chance I'd ever play stakes high enough for people to care about using "superaccounts" at.

I looked at the check received from Absolute Poker (between a Wii and an XBox360) and there was $8.00 missing...

(from the website)

All withdrawals will be processed within 48 hours from the time of your request. There is a standard fee of $8 for regular checks per mail. Checks sent via regular mail may take up to 15 business days.

Standard?

I've cashed out a few times from PokerStars and Full Tilt with no fee being attached but a company that is embattled with the worse case of insider collusion in online poker decides my small withdrawl should take an overpriced Cap'n Coke at a local sports bar hit because they need more money?

Absolute Poker. This is for you.

See Ya, Wouldn't Wanna Be Ya