Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Getting Laid on Valentine's Day

My header "Getting Heads" a few days ago tripled the traffic here for the day, and I briefly thought it was my second grade grasp of the English language but it was a sophomoric title instead that brought a bunch of horny guys to the site. Let's see what this title does as I'm 99.9% sure I will be watching the World Poker Tour alone while giving away the last scraps of my hardly earned online poker funds and sipping on a Cap'n Coke because half-days at work rule!

The percentage of a possible earth-shattering fifteen seconds in bed with the spouse of my choice has a sliding scale of events that could land me into a sex-induced coma of sleep this evening:

(Percentage to probablity of having sex)

I buy her a dozen roses - -22.22% (she can't stand getting flowers)

She reads this post - 0.2 %

Her meeting after work goes well - 3.7%

I remember to go to the mini-mart with in the building a purchase a tepidly thoughtout, overpriced Hallmark card - 5.9%

She doesn't complain about her psycho co-worker and manages a decent day at work - 13%

G-Vegas bloggers lend me the name of the secret drink to get her hammered at P.F. Chang's (dinner date with no kids and lettuce wraps!) - 26%

I get her to drink one of those pre-mixed "add the alcohol" things from Target after getting home - 69%

(yes alcohol is the key here folks, but without it she'll remember its a "school night" and having sex during the week is verboten, don't ask me I have no idea why I just provide the penis and sarcasm in the household) Then again there's always porn, peppermint lotion, and a box of kleenex eagerly awaiting my arrival that requires no wooing.

Now that I've scarred your minds until lunchtime, how about them Cubbies? I guess watching the Yankees implode in the post season under the Federal Reserve's vault of $10,000 bricks poured over every rent-a-star means they just didn't spend enough! I wonder how much they paid Bartman to "relocate".

To the asshats who bother Wil while he's playing on PokerStars... please find something more constructive to do with your time, perhaps knit a nice tail warmer for your cat because that's all the pussy you'll be petting after showing off those eThugz skillz. HOLLA! I used to think being a gaming message board troll was low, but watching what Wil puts up with in the chat boxes as he ponders a check-raise on a ragged board just reeks of momma boys polishing off that second case of Mountain Dew while playing their level 60 Cleric on World of Warcraft in their parent's basement and masturbating to anime porn.

Let Wil give me his Wheaton Bucks in peace :)

Thanks for dropping by, now make sure you at least mention Valentine's Day tonight to your love ones. Fake holiday or not.

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